By Ox Drover
Donna’s great article about Victory, of a sort, over a sociopath the other day got me to thinking.
Just what is “victory?”
My wonderful stepfather was a young basketball coach when he got his first real job coaching for a very small rural school which had not had a winning game in over a decade. The team was dispirited and had no real expectation of ever winning a game.
One of the local coaches bragged that he would beat them “by a hundred points!” at the next game. The team thought there was a good possibility that that coach’s team could do just that. However, it is “good sportsmanship” for a coach playing a much weaker team to let their second, third, and fourth strings get a chance to play, and to win over the weaker team, but not “tromp” them.
Daddy thought this other coach’s brag to stomp and tromp his team was poor sportsmanship so he made a plan. When the fourth quarter started and Daddy’s team had the ball, they “froze” it (which was legal in the game then) and wouldn’t either shoot the ball or take a chance on losing it, so passed the ball from one of Daddy’s team members to another the entire quarter. They didn’t make any points, but they kept the other team from even getting their hands on the ball the entire quarter, and thus making points against them. Daddy’s team didn’t win, but the other coach didn’t win by his “hundred points” either. That little team went on the next year to win their division championship because of the confidence that Daddy inspired in them.
Sometimes “winning” or “victory” can be interpreted in different ways. I’m also reminded of the old Country and Western song, the “Winner” where an older man and a younger man are in a bar talking. The younger man wants to be a “winner” in bar fight brawls, and the older man is educating him on what is “winning” and what isn’t.
Sure, you can get into a fight and you may inflict more damage on your opponent than he inflicts on you in the fight, but like the old man said, “He gouged out my eye, but I won.” Sometimes it is better to walk away from a fight and not lose more than you have already lost, or allow your opponent to take another “pound of flesh” in your attempts to “get justice.”
It isn’t always about getting what you deserve, or victory over them, or even seeing that they get “what they so richly deserve,” sometimes, I think, “winning” simply means keeping them from taking more out of you and, like Daddy’s team, “freezing the ball.” Sometimes, it is like the would-be barroom brawler, walking away (intact) with the other guy yelling curses in your direction.
It is emotionally tough to watch a cheater “get away with it” when they have ripped us off, and go “waltzing away” unscathed and apparently the victor. It eats at our sense of fairness to let them “succeed” and not pay a price for their bad behavior.
Yet, sometimes, “discretion is the better part of valor” to use an old phrase, or to “be a live dog, rather than a dead lion,” and “retreat and live to fight another day.”
Those victims who are not able to fight for a “victory” of any sort, I don’t think need to feel that they have “failed” because they chose not to fight the sociopath.
Too many times fighting the psychopaths are like “fighting a circular saw,” as my grandmother would have said. It “just isn’t worth it,” because the damage to yourself will be worse than you can possibly inflict on the psychopath. They stack the odds so in their own favor, that even if you “win,” you end up like the old brawler sitting in the barroom, broken and so gravely injured yourself in your effort to gain a “victory, of sorts” that in retrospect the price was too high.
Sometimes, it is better to walk away a “loser” but still intact, and with your head held high, using the energy and resources you have left to focus on healing yourself, on recovering what you have lost in terms of finances and strength, and take care of yourself. To me that is also a “viable victory.”
Dear Oxy,
My heart goes out to Lily and I wish her a speedy recovery,as a survivor like we all are she deserves a lot of happiness.
sstiles54:
I’m surprised you even got a judge to threaten to hold your ex in contempt and give him a 30 day sentence. That said, based on the dollar amount, the judge is going to give S enough rope to hang himself 4 times over before he carries out that threat. Unfortunately you and your lawyer are getting dragged along (and you’re paying your lawyer for the privelege) by S and his antics.
I don’t think the problem here is the lawyer. If S is not ready this time, I’d ask my lawyer to ask the judge to grant no further continuances since this is costing you money, proceed to trial, and to hold S in contempt and issue that arrest warrant. In your shoes I would do the math — how much am I going to have to shell out to my lawyer versus how much S owes — to say nothing of what do you realistically think you’re going to collect from this piece of crap and then determine if it is worth pursuing him. There is a part of me that would almost forego collecting the money — but want to see S serve those 30 days.
Extra mega-sized prayers for our dear sweet Lily… I can’t help but smile at the thought of her having etra “guts” since we all know that is true for her in more than one way! Who knew someone could be “blessed” with an extra 3 feet of colon… life is full of surprises, aint it?!
Thanks for the updates, Oxy… things are hectic in my world right now but I will be checkin’ in to see how Lily’s doing… your kind words about the supportive experience Lily has had here were obviously heartfelt. 🙂
Dear Matt,
Thank you for taking the time to reviewing my situation. Just knowing my lawyer is not duping me is a relief. I doubt I will ever recoup my losses, but like you, just having him having to serve the 30 days in jail would be satisfaction enough(our county jail is a 5 county non-smoking facility & he is a 2 pack a dayer. hehe). The only reason I’ve pursued it this long, is so the debt collection calls to me will stop. I have paid my 1/2 of the debt, as per the settlement, & my lawyer sent the agency a letter regarding this, but they keep calling & calling. I don’t even answer my phone anymore. I have worked so hard to re-establish my credit, & pay all my bills on time. I was able to cut back to 2 jobs, but still can’t live in peace.
I really thank you from the bottom of my heart for the reassurance that I am not a total idiot.
Dear Jskibo,
Welcome to LoveFraud! A healing place! KNOWLEDGE=POWER so read, read and read more an dmore, the books that Matt recommended and ALL the articles archived here (not just the current ones) it will give you information and knowlege about them, but also some good aspects about yourself and YOUR HEALING. It starts out with pain about them, and ends up with JOY that we escaped and are building new and wonderful lives for ourselves with new knowledge and NEW POWER! Again, welcome!
I have been following your blogs for a while now – and without being overly dramatic – I would like to thank everyone for sharing their stories and comments because they have saved my life.
My story – of course – is similar to everyone else’s with a couple of exceptions. I was married to an Army Officer for 30 years and spent most of that time alone. I had to move seventeen times, took care of our two boys, had to support the military way of life through Panama, Desert Storm and Iraq. We were barely married two weeks – when he voluntarily took a job in Korea (back in 1976). That was the beginning of the nightmare.
He was trained in Special Forces, Delta Force, and Medical Service. He was gone more than he was at home and often left without notice. But, that wasn’t the worst part. He was a typical Narcissist/Sociopath/Abuser. He wasn’t happy unless I was unhappy. He did the opposite of anything I wanted, and the worst part was that he shut down or left whenever things got tough. I didn’t know what was happening to me…one day he wrote love poems and the next day he disappeared. We took one family vacation in 30 years – and he made sure to spoil that for us. I once told him that I would like to travel to the city of “Petra” in Jordan…he never took me there…but, went with one of his Army buddies and then sent me the photos. I don’t know why I thought of that just now – just one of those cruel things he liked to do.
When he was in Saudi waiting for the war to start – I was taking care of 50 Doctor’s wives whose husbands volunteered to go to the Middle East as professional fillers (as they were called). The phone never stopped ringing. I was a mother…was teaching art classes while they were in school (I studied art at a University)…was taking care of bills and our home…and my husband had given out my phone number to all those angry andlonely wives. They were worried – I was worried – and my husband had the gall to ask me to send him his tennis racket, his down comforter, a microwave, food, etc. etc. Computers were non-existent – so, we wrote letters. (I didn’t yet know about sociopaths or narcissists) – so, I was always totally confused when I received letters of his sexual escapades – written in every little detail – always ending with: “I am not really having an affair – I just want to punish you for cheating on me.” (Which I never did.)
The problem was that he was a soldier fighting for our freedom – I was supposed to be strong and supportive and help the other wives – nobody asked me how I was doing – and nobody cared.
I hated him for a lot of things. When I ended up in a clinic because of severe depression – he brought divorce papers.
My life was filled with equal amounts of anger, fear, depression, love, hard work, loneliness, and pain.
I had to leave my friends, my homes and my jobs every time we moved. I put on a happy face for my boys, even though I suffered from migraines and depression.
I tried to get a divorce many times – but, somehow I always ended up back in the same situation. New Year’s 2004/05 I had enough. He had finally retired from the Army – after spending another six months in Iraq (voluntarily) – and took a job with Project Hope (unbeknowst to me). He had disappeared again to help with the Tsunami victims – and I locked the door for good.
Whenever he wanted to be left alone – he disappeared. Then, when he needed a place to stay or sex or food – he would show up again. His abuse had escalated to physical abuse and he tried to strangle me twice. The house was full of weapons, and I was afraid for my life.
I was an artist, a peace loving person and couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to harm me. As a matter of fact – I truly believed that he wanted his freedom. He ignored me at first. As always he rented some apartment near work – signed a separation agreement (in which he promised me half of everything…we had two properties…and I was entitled to half the military pension…but, he also signed over half of his income – promised to keep my name on all the life insurance policies…that I could stay in the house…etc.)
But, once he realized that I was serious – I became the enemy and the war started.
I have held on for dear life for the past five years… I continued seeing our therapist (she had diagnosed him as a sociopath while we were seeing her together) and was instrumental in not letting me give up…I had to hire an attorney because my husband refused to do the taxes, refused to deal with our properties, refused to answer any questions.
I hired several attorneys – nobody seemed to be able to deal with someone who keeps disappearing. It’s a long, long story – but, this latest attorney promised me a quick and easy divorce. That was three years and $100,000 ago. (Money I didn’t have.)
My ex had been in litigation with his sister over a million dollar estate and spent $600,000 of his father’s money to fight her in court. He didn’t care about the money – he wanted to see her suffer. Then, it was my turn.
When I read your blogs today – in particular the paragraph on
“Sometimes victory is walking away upright” – it gave me courage to go on…but, I cannot tell you all how devastating it is to be victimized by my ex and the justice system. Three years of frivolous and unnecessary litigation…continuances…stacks of paperwork…depositions.
Once I was caught in the system – there was no way to get out. My ex started counter suing me for things I didn’t do…and once they serve you papers – you have to appear in court and prove your innocence. We have been divorced for almost one year – have been in court twice – my ex lost each time – but, he is stalling again and I am in danger of losing my military retirement pay (there is a one year dead-line).
There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t wish I had taken my savings and had disappeared. Just left my home and everything in it – and gone undercover. But, we were tied at the hip. Having spent so much time in the military – I was entitled to health care and a pension – and the military doesn’t do anything without the permission of the “sponsor” – or until I showed them a divorce decree.
I have good days – days were I don’t hurt (I have fibromyalgia and Trigeminal Neuralgia) – but, today wasn’t one of them. I found out that the court date on Oct. 1st was post-poned again. I want to be free of him – I want to walk away with my head held high – but, he just won’t stop.
I have given up hoping that there is a shred of decency left in him. I have not corresponded or talked with him in years…but, he recently sent me a certified letter informing me that he is living with someone whom he loves…that he is happy and plans to marry her. When I didn’t respond – he crossed my name off a $300,000 life insurance policy and put her name on it. The court ordered him to change it back.
Instead of paying me the full alimony amount – he bought a $600,000 condo in D.C. which he has not listed as his address when we went to court in August.
Smoke and mirrors and litigation. I try to walk straight and I try to forget about the past – but, it’s difficult.
Thank you all for posting your life, your thoughts and your advice. It gives me the courage to make it through another day.
Petra,
so sorry to hear your story.
Maybe now that he has a new woman to torture, it will end?
The only thing I can offer is to do what you have already been doing: read, read, read about narcissism until you know it backward and forward.
Petra60:
How familiar your story is……I am sorry to you for your pain and suffering!
Take care of YOU and protect your health.
I dont believe we CAN forget where we came from…..but we can use our past experiences to pave our brilliant future.
Your a brave and couragious woman…..keep doing what you must…..
I commend your honesty and efforts!
No…..he won’t stop…….expect this…..protect yourself, your kids and whatever you deem important to you….mostly PROTECT YOU!
Welcome to LF……
I bid you peace tonight!
XXOO
EB
Dear Petra,
Welcome to LoveFraud, and your story does “qualify you for membership”—I’m sorry to say! this is the best place though if you have to be here, that you found your way here!
Hang on, you are obviously a very strong person, but I imagine very TIRED.
Erin is totally right, protect yourself and be GOOD to yourself! God bless. Keep reading and learning. Knowledge=Power.
Dear Petra, I was a military wife, too. Navy. I felt the same way. I was with him for 13 years and I can soooo identify. I was so lonely and miserable for such along time. He was such an intimacy phobe, if we ever did have time we could spend together, he would invite a brother, or an old friend, or an old navy buddy to visit. Whenever we needed him at home, he, or someone he worked with would chime in with, “if we wanted you to have a wife we would have issued you one in your duffle bag. The military is over run with psychopaths, as is the police department, and any other profession that demands absolute control. Once my 15 month old son ended up in intensive care and I called my XP at work and his commanding officer said he could leave AFTER he finished his paper work.
I waited for my kids to grow up, and left with a small inheritance from my parents, but never even tried to get anything from him.
I’m glad you spoke up here. Lot’s of good people with a lot of support. God bless.