By Ox Drover
Donna’s great article about Victory, of a sort, over a sociopath the other day got me to thinking.
Just what is “victory?”
My wonderful stepfather was a young basketball coach when he got his first real job coaching for a very small rural school which had not had a winning game in over a decade. The team was dispirited and had no real expectation of ever winning a game.
One of the local coaches bragged that he would beat them “by a hundred points!” at the next game. The team thought there was a good possibility that that coach’s team could do just that. However, it is “good sportsmanship” for a coach playing a much weaker team to let their second, third, and fourth strings get a chance to play, and to win over the weaker team, but not “tromp” them.
Daddy thought this other coach’s brag to stomp and tromp his team was poor sportsmanship so he made a plan. When the fourth quarter started and Daddy’s team had the ball, they “froze” it (which was legal in the game then) and wouldn’t either shoot the ball or take a chance on losing it, so passed the ball from one of Daddy’s team members to another the entire quarter. They didn’t make any points, but they kept the other team from even getting their hands on the ball the entire quarter, and thus making points against them. Daddy’s team didn’t win, but the other coach didn’t win by his “hundred points” either. That little team went on the next year to win their division championship because of the confidence that Daddy inspired in them.
Sometimes “winning” or “victory” can be interpreted in different ways. I’m also reminded of the old Country and Western song, the “Winner” where an older man and a younger man are in a bar talking. The younger man wants to be a “winner” in bar fight brawls, and the older man is educating him on what is “winning” and what isn’t.
Sure, you can get into a fight and you may inflict more damage on your opponent than he inflicts on you in the fight, but like the old man said, “He gouged out my eye, but I won.” Sometimes it is better to walk away from a fight and not lose more than you have already lost, or allow your opponent to take another “pound of flesh” in your attempts to “get justice.”
It isn’t always about getting what you deserve, or victory over them, or even seeing that they get “what they so richly deserve,” sometimes, I think, “winning” simply means keeping them from taking more out of you and, like Daddy’s team, “freezing the ball.” Sometimes, it is like the would-be barroom brawler, walking away (intact) with the other guy yelling curses in your direction.
It is emotionally tough to watch a cheater “get away with it” when they have ripped us off, and go “waltzing away” unscathed and apparently the victor. It eats at our sense of fairness to let them “succeed” and not pay a price for their bad behavior.
Yet, sometimes, “discretion is the better part of valor” to use an old phrase, or to “be a live dog, rather than a dead lion,” and “retreat and live to fight another day.”
Those victims who are not able to fight for a “victory” of any sort, I don’t think need to feel that they have “failed” because they chose not to fight the sociopath.
Too many times fighting the psychopaths are like “fighting a circular saw,” as my grandmother would have said. It “just isn’t worth it,” because the damage to yourself will be worse than you can possibly inflict on the psychopath. They stack the odds so in their own favor, that even if you “win,” you end up like the old brawler sitting in the barroom, broken and so gravely injured yourself in your effort to gain a “victory, of sorts” that in retrospect the price was too high.
Sometimes, it is better to walk away a “loser” but still intact, and with your head held high, using the energy and resources you have left to focus on healing yourself, on recovering what you have lost in terms of finances and strength, and take care of yourself. To me that is also a “viable victory.”
good point Hecates!
SC,
True, that is one consolation about having been with a P, where else are you going to learn this lesson and learn it so well? We should all get degrees from Nsupply university.
I’d can’t do high kicks I think I already hurt my back just walking on the beach today.
Wow, Oxy, what an ordeal. I’m so sorry you ended up having to cope with such a judgmental JERK. I was saying to a friend of mine the other day, who “gets it,” how amazing it is that when most people have the choice of believing the sociopath or the target, they side with the sociopath. So hard to take. So, I see where this post comes from on the heels of what you’ve just been through, and it is very good advice, as hard to swallow as it can be in specific circumstances. I can imagine how ill you must have felt after having been jerked around by this faux man of the cloth for so long and then to get his ugly, judgmental letter. At least, as you say, you’re not dealing with it 24/7. I know that sometimes I like to indulge in a fantasy that the S in my life would all of the sudden come to his senses, apologize, and then we could move on, on good footing. But I know, realistically speaking, that this is never going to happen. And, as you say, all we can do is not send good money after bad, so to speak, not try to “win.” Just get the hell away from these people and treat ourselves the way we wish they would have. The way we deserve.
Ugh, what a slimy creep.
So sorry 🙁
Very big hugs to you!
Dear HP, Skippy, skylar, and S-Chic,
Thanks, guys! Your kind words are sweet to my “eyes.” That’s what LF is all about, helpign each other.
I still feel physically like “putty” today, no energy, all achy (no other symptoms of flu) so clinically I think it is still just a STRESS RESPONSE from becoming so ANGRY over the LETTER.
I’ve been thinking this morning and last evening, that “99.9%” of what they do to us is US DOING IT TO OURSELVES—-
Nothing in my universe changed one bit except I got a letter from a guy I don’t like anyway and I ALLOWED MYSELF to give HIS WORDS the power to make me angry—-and the sudden and high stress hormone jolt made me physically ILL.
Soooo-WHO DID THIS TO ME? WHO MADE ME ILL?
I DID IT TO MYSELF! I ALLOWED.
It ALL happened INSIDE MY HEAD—-nothing else changed in my world—the THOUGHTS inside my own head effected my physical land physiological body which released “fight or flight” hornomes in response to MY THOUGHTS.
SO, logically, what do I have to control to fix the PROBLEM?
MY THOUGHTS, MY REACTIONS…. or I ican continue to LET other people’s thoughts RULE MY WORLD.
In this case, at least, someone I never have liked, and never have respected, and have always thought he was a hypocrit!
I EXTRACTED DEFEAT FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY!!!
So look at me! I am the POSTER CHILD of telling someone else how to “win” and I turn right around and SET MYSELF UP FOR A BIG DEFEAT!
So, what do I DO now?
After realizing what ACTUALLY happened: (I did this to myself)
I will:
1) ADMIT to myself I made a mistake in allowing all this to happen—check, did that!
2) FORGIVE myself because I am human and sometimes do DUMB things and make bad decisions–check, did that
3) RESOLVE to not do this in the future–check, doing that!
4) MAKE AMENDS to myself— check, doing that by being good to myself yesterday and today
5) GET BUSY WITH MY LIFE, loving myself and not wallowing in my own misery over this.
There are lessons we can learn in all this, but I think first we need to put the RESPONSIBILITY WHERE IT BELONGS….on ourselves for ALLOWING these INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS and FEELINGS to knock us down. WE DO have CONTROL over ourselves but we have to EXERCISE IT!
I didn’t exercise the POWER AND CONTROL I OWNED, I gave it to him.
Yep, he’s a slimy creep, there are LOTS of slimy creeps in this world and if I let it effect my thoughts, my health, my peace, my well-being every tiem I come into contact with one, I am going to be one MISERABLE PERSON FOREVER.
I choose NOT to ALLOW this to happen.
TOWANDA!!!!
TOWANDA, Oxy. I hope you get to feeling better, soon.
Pray the Devil back to hell.
That’s a documentary.
Here is an interview with a woman who found a strategy to accomplish the impossible.
http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/233532/july-14-2009/leymah-gbowee
Great article, walking away upright is precisely what victory over the sociopath is. If you consider what sociopathic objectives are, they are not met when you simply walk away and ignore him or her. He/she loses by his/her own standards due to not being able to influence you/put you down permanently. Our brains are different so we do not perceive being ignored as loosing at all, but they do!
I had a doubtful pleasure of looking a sociopath straight in the eyes while holding his hand and subtly demonstrating how much he is indifferent to me. The effect was a sort o the effect described in Particia Evans book controlling people.
I could swear I saw a psychic tentacle disintegrating in front of my eyes, now after a careful analysis I believe those were my neural connections rearranging themselves inside my head.
The look that showed up on the sociopath face – invaluable. At that moment I realized that all I needed to do is to take charge over myself, this is all that is required for the sociopath to fail. No more no less.
BTW I just saw a movie Lifeboat by Alfred Hitchcock and there is a sociopathic character in that movie too. One of the characters at certain point nails it ” We let this Nazi bastard think for ourselves”. The movie has a happy ending after all, when the survivors realize that what they needed to do from the beginning is to trust themselves, and do their own thinking for themselves. This is precisely what we need to do. Do not let the nazi bastards think for yourself.
Dear Peterd,
AMEN!!!!! thanks for brining up this movie and this way of looking at things.
We have let them “thinnk for us” for WAAAAAY too long! Let them GASLIGHT us and twist reality.
Today I feel stronger, mentally and physically now that I have realized that NOTHING IN MY LIFE CHANGED when I got lthat nasty letter EXCEPT MY ATTITUDE….and I AN exercise control over that if I WILL. I am NOT compelled to let HIS words change my views of my world.
There are times anger is justified and spurs us to ACTION, but the anger I felt at him, while “excusable” was NOT JUSTIFIABLE….because ACTION (writing him a nasty letter back) would NOT have changed a darn thing! (i.e. his opinion)
So my anger was both wasted and toxic to myself in this instance. There are some things I CANNOT change no matter what I do, and his attitude is one of those things, and I did not choose to EXERCISE my wisdom to not worry about what I can’t change, not to get angry over what I cannot change.
I can only do what I can do, and the things that I cannot do should not keep me “riled up” all the time.
I can’t change the way women are treated in Saudi Arabia, no matter how I protest, get on the news, or what I do, it will NOT make a bit of difference how hard I protest or how much of my resources I use to try to effect change. So, is that a REASON for me to be CONTINUALLY upset over the injustice in my mind of how those women are treated?
Of course not, but it is somewhat more difficult to “see” that my anger at the Rev isn’t going to do me any more good or him any more change than me being angry at how women in Saudi are treated.
I need to reserve my strength and my justifiable anger for things I CAN EFFECT CHANGE IN. For the rest of the things in this world that I can’t change, I need to let go of them and focus my energy where I can make a difference.
OXY:
How you reacted was a combination of emotional and physical responses.
The emotional side you can control, but most of the time the physical responses is automatic. The chemicals the anxiety release are not physically controlled by us.
Do NOT be hard on yourself…….
You know the truth, it was a big lesson for you……you know this and felt it…..and will continue to learn from it. You learn so much about yourself by every step you take in life!
Human nature tells us we must have faith in others……you saw an ‘opening’ and went for it…..hoping for the outcome that would benefit you and your boys and keep you safe.
If we don’t try, we will always lose! 100% of the time……
SO keep on trucken baby!
I bet you will do it again, if another person comes into your life that may be able to help……AND THAT”S A GOOD THING!
Feel better, allow yourself to absorb this all and take the break your body is calling for……that’s it.
Your the bomb girl!!!
XXOO
EB
Dear Erin,
I AM feeling much better, went outside while ago and walked in the sunshine (it’s windy but no rain til next thursday) and picked my green bean seeds to bring in and dry, and picked a few golf ball sized tomatoes and looked over the rest of what passes for a garden this time of year. But just that bit of going outside was theraputic. smelled the basil (oh, the smell is so strong and wonderful when it is green!)
Yea, I don’t regret that I TRIED it might have worked and if it would have it would have been a good thing, and over all i really didn’t lose too much, a couple of days of high emotions and a bit of stress, but shoot, I have wasted more than that on things with less chance of success!
In the past I have tried and “lost” like when I took her to court, but the Trojan Horse got back into her house when she lied to me, but you know, if that BAD thing had not happened, the GOOD thing of my DIL and the TH-P getting arrested probably wouldn’t have happened, so I TRUST THERE IS A BETTER THING DOWN THE ROAD, I JUST DON’T SEE IT YET!
I’m not beating myself up any more, I took a calculated risk and I lost, BUT I still should NOT have OVER REACTED to the nasty self-serving judgmental letter from the N-minister. I just let my anger run away with me, and I do have control over that if I will exercise it. I don’t give a flipping rat’s behind what he thinks of me, actually I never have, I never liked him from 30+ years ago when I met him the first time when he became minister at a small church I attended back then. In fact, I moved churches because of him, I couldn’t let myself listen to him pontificate Sunday after Sunday from the pulpit.
Back in those days my then husband and I tried to help a young woman who was 8 1/2 months preg with 1 or 2 toddlers, I can’t rememeber which, but anyway, my husband and I drove our truck and trailer to Illinois to get her stuff out of storage for her (she had left her husband for abuse) and when I got her stuff back the church helped her some too, but eventually after the baby was born she took ehr husband back in.
The night I went over the the Rev’s house and was talking to him and his wife, she mentioned the woman, I had totally forgotten about it (35+ yrs ago) and she mentioned that “the cops said that he might have hurt us, we shouldn’t have gotten involved.” (or words to that effect!)
I remember being disappointed at the time that the woman went back, and at that time I didn’t know diddly about DV….but that night at the Rev’s house I realized that his wife is just like him as far as this “don’t put yourself out to help anyone” attitude is concerned.
Trying to help someone is not a crime, and if you do something for someone who is injured or whatever, sort of like the Good Samaritain in the Bible story, they may NOT benefit from it immediately, or they may never benefit from it, but YOU have still done the right thing.
Nothing was said in teh Bible story about WHY the man was lying in the ditch injured, had he been out with a bunch of guys drinking and they beat him up, or had he tried to rob some people and they beat him up? The only thing was that the priest walked on by, didn’t want to get his hands dirty and had no compassion on the man, or thought the man might “hurt” him, or whatever the reason he had no compassion on this man in the ditch…but the Samaritain, who was a “lower caste,” looked down on by the Jews who had passed the man by, stopped and had compassion for the man because he was INJURED. Period. did the best he could for the man to fix him up immediately and left some money with the inkeeper to help him after he was gone.
I’ve tried to help lots of people in my life, but I have also had people in my life, even strangers, who were there for me when i myself needed help. I will continue to have compassion on people and continue to try to help them in any reasonable way I can. If they don’t take advantage of that help, that is ON them NOT me. I dont’ remember Jesus saying that we should help others if they are “deserving” or that we shouldn’t try unless we know for sure that they will take advantage of that help….sometimes people don’t take advantage of an opportunity that is presented to them, DV is a prime example, and we all know why these (mostly women) people return to the abuser, but it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do the best we can to help them. To support them. That’s what LF does, and there is not, I am sure a 110% “success” rate here, but we still try.
I’m no “Pollyanna” I know that some people are “professional victims” or that they are looking to take advantage of “help” offered to them, but at the same time, I usually figure out if it fairly quickly if they are taking advantage of an offered hand up, rather than just seeking a “hand out”—I pretty quickly get the idea and at that point, try not to enable them. Wish I had applied the same STANDARDS to my family sooner! LOL
But even when my attempts at “helping” someone weren’t successful in light of them taking lasting advantage of it, I still think I DID THE RIGHT THING. It is just a shame to me that someone who presents themselves as a Christian minister has so little compassion for those people who need compassion.
Society prefers the don’t ask – don’t tell policy!
Keep on being YOU…..you are the ‘winner’ here!