My sociopathic ex and I meet monthly with a psychologist. The Guardian ad litem for our three children ordered us to do this after my ex filed for full custody of our two boys last year. So we’ve met with this psychologist maybe 6 times now, and neither of us had ever met him before our first meeting. All he knew about us in advance is that we’re a “high conflict” couple, and he decided that the best thing he can do for our family is to help us get along.
He’s also trying to help us settle on an agreement that doesn’t entirely eliminate my parenting time or rights. And I appreciate that.
Therapy with a Sociopath
What’s it like? It’s not that bad, really, compared to all the other things I’ve endured with this particular sociopath over the years. Basically, we sit in two chairs facing each other with a little table between us. The psychologist sits off to the side and guides us. He makes us talk to each other and look directly at one another instead of at him, and we have to call each other by name instead of saying something like, “she always does that.”
It’s a good effort. And it helps to the degree that my ex wants to impress this man. What I mean is that my ex wants full custody of our boys—remember, that’s why we’re there. So he wants the psychologist to believe that he’s the most amazing, connected parent on earth. He wants to be seen as cooperative, value-driven, and stable. And so he jumps through just about any hoop the psychologist sets up for him.
The benefit to me is that the psychologist is setting up hoops to help us “get along.” And while my ex may work to undermine that possibility as much as he can between appointments, he does have to make some public efforts now to be agreeable. He does have to report back on whether he did what he was supposed to do. And so while he’s never going to not be who he is, I have to say that it’s been kind of nice to have him working so hard to please the professional.
It makes me want to stay under evaluation like this until our kids are all grown.
What Happens Between Sessions
Of course, there’s some falling off the wagon in our daily parenting life together—including lies and manipulation. But I’ve been connected to this sociopath for a couple decades now, so I’m not surprised anymore when he says one thing and does another. I’m not shocked when what he does between sessions is—to the greatest undetected degree possible—the opposite of really getting along. He over-involves our children (no boundaries) and continues to alienate them from me. They’ll come to me angry and say, “Why are you taking Dad to court?! Dad doesn’t even know why you have to keep doing this. He can’t even take us camping this summer—not even camping—because court is costing him so much money. Why do you always do this to Dad?! Why can’t you just leave him alone. Dad just wants to get along.”
I’ll remind you again here that my ex is the one filing all the motions. I’m there because I have to be—because if I don’t show up, he’ll eliminate me from our children’s lives entirely.
And there’s no talking truth in the midst of this chaos. Our children are so lost in the whirlwind of his words that it doesn’t matter what I say. If I try to correct them about who filed what, then we just circle around and around in a pointless argument over the facts. That’s an argument I can’t win, so I don’t try very often. What I generally do is look at their experiences from a bird’s-eye view. And I see kids who are lost and upset and who really want to live their own stable lives. Who really do want us to get along. Whose long-term psychological health depends on it.
And so I do everything in my power to reduce the conflict, keep it neutral, and make my heart calm in difficult moments.
That’s an exhausting daily exercise, given that sociopaths thrive on chaos and stir it up in every moment.
And that’s co-parenting as I know it.
Standing with a Sociopath
So I stand with my ex at our children’s events. I work on my internal boundaries because there’s never going to be an external divide. No clean finish. No end.
We’re raising children together.
And our children want to see us getting along. The professionals involved—including the psychologist I mentioned—want us to sit together at athletic banquets, and they want us to save seats for each other at games and events. This may be right and it may be wrong, but it’s one of the hoops they want us to jump through. So we’re doing it.
Let me just tell you, it’s really incredibly difficult to sit next to someone who believes that God wants “people like me” to be “wiped from the face of the earth.” I’m now sending photos of our kids from my phone to someone who has broken into my house and threatened my life. I’m chatting casually with a man who coaches our sons on all the ways I’m a disgusting, valueless woman. Who wants them to hate me, and who works every day behind the scenes to make that happen.
And who is so good at hiding it that no professional involved even thinks about making it stop.
Instead, they want us to sit together.
And so we do. I can see our kids appreciating it, and so I approach my ex with a deep, calm breath—amazed by my own human strength.
I’m strong.
And I’m a victim of a sociopath.
Those things do go together.
Victims are not weak. We’re amazing. We focus on the needs of our children in a flawed system. We do what it takes to “get along.” We create peaceful moments in the face of chaos, and we put our shoulders back and take the next step.
Even when it means we have to stand by the sociopath. Day after day, year after year.
We do what it takes.
This gets to the heart of my questioning… HOW do you stand with a sociopath and still protect yourself and children?
HG – They are wrong to make you work with your sociopath like that. It is akin to making a rape victim have dinner with their rapist. Maybe the children benefit in the short term by this show. In the long run… I don’t see how they learn right from wrong. It illustrates version of reality without dealing with the real picture of reality. I pray you can find a way to get this changed.
The legal system is only interested in what is and isn’t legal. Being a “fit” parent has nothing to do with being a morally good or mentally healthy parent. It usually just means a parent who appeared decent enough and mentally healthy enough during a limited time of investigation with probably little actual investigation. The “in the interest of the children” line I hear all the time, seems less interested in what is actually in their best interest than what will get them paid in time to make their next appointment. Legally dealing with a sociopath takes money to pay lawyers who are willing to go the extra mile in dealing with seemingly impossible situations. Good lawyers aren’t trained to deal with sociopaths and frankly the legal profession is a hotbed of sociopaths. They get paid to argue and manipulate people on a professional basis for God’s sake… it’s the perfect place for a sociopath to exercise their prowess.
Therapists and doctors are just as likely to be taken in by sociopaths as the rest of the human race given that they too are human. Most sociopaths are cool customers. They’ve been manipulating people their whole lives and have devoted practice in evading detection. Unless a therapist is specifically educated and experienced at looking for a sociopath, I don’t think they are any more likely to find one than the average population. Our sociopath uses her handicap as her excuse as to why she cannot take a scantron evaluation test. She avoids diagnosis and plays victim. The actual victim in all of this is subjected to testing and questioning the results of which are used in court to determine his mental “fitness” while hers remains unexamined. I can accept that it is an uneven playing field but the reality leaves children in the balance.
It breaks my heart reading these responses – that others are suffering through the same things we are yet there doesn’t seem to be any relief for any of us – legally, therapeutically, and in society. I appreciate that Karma never loses an address or is constrained by time… I just want a more reliable method of dealing with sociopaths. It is so frustrating… just saying.
How to stand with a sociopath and still protect yourself and children?
Short Answer: You don’t. There is NO protection. Distance is the only solution.
It’s like standing with nuclear radiation. Damage is being done. It’s accumulative. You can’t see it yet. It damages children in ways you can not predict because they are not done growing yet. But the fact is, the longer you stand with a sociopath, the damage increases.
No contact just isn’t an options when children are involved. The courts enforce contact through visitation. Even if we could get her diagnosed as a sociopath, which if she will not take the tests which have been ordered and we have paid for is not likely – she cannot be forced to participate, the courts will still uphold her right to access to her children. As it is, the courts control where the children can move until the youngest reaches the age of 18. Moving takes money and money is tied up in lawyers dealing with her.
I agree that damage is being done to these children. They attend counseling with counselors who are aware of what their mother is and what she is doing to them. The children’s questions when they return from visiting their mother make it clear that she is doing everything she can to undermine any progress they make in counseling. She has been legally constrained from talking to the children about her ongoing legal battle and from talking about her relationship with their father, but their questions clearly show they are being bombarded with her lies even with a TRO.
The sociopath will not be constrained. The children suffer. The courts continue to enforce their relationship. What are we supposed to do?? Abandon two small children to her? That’s not happening!
Therefore I’m back to my original question… How do you deal with a sociopath in these situations? There is no legal precedent making a sociopath an unfit parent. Courts are reluctant to label parents anyway even with evidence. What can be done to help children through navigating a relationship with a sociopathic parent?
Our only recourse is in standing strong and fighting as best we can against what may be impossible odds.
Bets, I like your comments. My then 3 yr old daughter was sexually abused by her spath dad. He was caught by his girlfriend who then put my daughter in the tub to clean her off, getting rid of the evidence but then put the same clothing back on her. He somehow had convinced her to go along with the lie he was about to tell the police. They worked on my daughter before the police got there trying to get her to tell the police that my son had painted her private parts. Which is what the spath did after her bath, probably to contaminate any dna that may be remaining. Well when the police got there my daughter refused to say that her brother did this to her, spath then told the police that I did it. My daughter then said yes that I put the paint on her because I didn’t like her anymore. When I heard that it broke my heart that he could get her to say that. My heart broke for my daughter because I know how much it hurt her to have to say that about me, but my son is my daughters hero and she would do anything to protect him. The rape kit did find sperm on my daughter unfortunately not enough to make a complete dna strand. They were unable to determine who’s dna it was. But I do not make sperm so that cleared me. I had to take my 11 year old son to a Dr who specializes in male anatomy who determined that my son had not even begun to hit puberty yet and therefor could not have been the source of the sperm. The DA’s office said they could not bring it to trial because a 3 yr old was not a good witness. Obviously. Back in family court even though the Dept of Children and Families had a past case where DCF found my ex spath responsible for sexually abusing another child (his niece)the judge gave my ex shared physical custody of our daughter. This judge was so manipulated by the spath she handed my daughter over to her rapist 3 afternoons during the week and every other weekend. You are also right about the legal profession being full of spaths. The Chief Probation Officer who was assigned to our case is friends with my ex, he has been friends with him for 20 years. As a matter of fact he had been the GAL 20 years before when my ex spath had been accused of molesting his oldest son from another relationship. This child had been 3 yrs old as well. I later talked to another ex of my ex spath who said that another niece had made an accusation of sexual abuse but that had been covered up as well. My daughter is now 9 yrs old she is the MOST AWESOME little girl EVER!!! Last year she told me everything that had happened to her when her dad molested her. She understands that she did Nothing to deserve this and I told her that her dad is sick that he does things that he shouldn’t, but that he is sick does not mean he should be able to get away with it. My daughter is still intimidated by her dad he will make threats that she will be taken away from me if she tells anyone. I reassure her that no one will ever take her away from me. One day I PRAY that she will be able to just get it out and tell her therapist the whole thing. I just want her to be healed and not have this inside her anymore, and for him to finally be put where he belongs behind bars.
atozmom – My heart hurts for your situation. God Bless your daughter for having to deal with all of this. She must be an amazing young lady to be able to deal with this for all of these years. You are an amazing mom to be able to guide your children through as well!
I was married to an spath in my first marriage. His behavior towards our son was my training ground for dealing with the current spath in our life. She continues to confuse and change history for her two sons and we get to help pick up the pieces of their beings after most every visitation. Yesterday being the most recent violation of disobeying a court order… there are too many to count.
All we can do is document every word that comes out of the children and continue to take them to counseling… court isn’t until September. My documentation has taken on a life of its own looking more like a novel every day. The oldest boy is most easily manipulated by her. Fortunately, the youngest seems to get it and supports his older brother with statements like, “You know how mommy lies. (not a question, but a statement) Mommy’s just trying to confuse you.” That’s our second grader!
They still love their mommy. She is pushing for full custody, again, and the courts are putting everyone through yet another social study. She was supposed to participate in a psych evaluation. Instead she manipulated the psychologist using her disability to get out of filling out a scantron test. Poor her had him believing that she could not put pencil marks in a circle. This time around she has manipulated a man into getting her pregnant – or at least believing that the child is his – and getting him to marry her so now she is a respectable woman of the community. Now she is using the new child as a reason as to why she should have full custody of her other children; so the boys can grow up as brothers.
Every agreement the lawyers get her to make, she breaks. Most of them before the ink is even dry and yet the lawyers persist in making agreements. We know what the outcome will be, but to look like we are cooperating we have to participate in these futile exercises. The police in our town are already onto her so she moved to the next larger town with a whole new division full of unsuspecting police officers eager to help the disabled damsel in distress from the mean man hurting her and trying to take away her children. Now we get to educate another town in dealing with a spath. The judge seems to be entertaining all of this because of her disability waiting for the social study to sort things out. The social study person is a professional so reading her is impossible.
The only thing I can say about the legal system is that it keeps our life interesting and not in a good way. All of our hopes are pinned on this new social study. We keep providing them with evidence of her behavior and I’m sure we look like lunatics with the level of documentation we’ve had to create.
I was able to get off the crazy train with my ex years ago and our son is better for it. I’d like to get off the crazy train now, but this spath is even more persistently manipulative than my first. September cannot come soon enough for us!
Hi Hopingtoheal & HGBeverly, when I left my ex I found out he had 3 mistress in two different states…plus he had a two year affair before that which he begged me to stay sobbing, crying, begging, said he would do anything to make the “marriage” (really a nightmare) work and that he would “change”…I stayed another 7 years after finding out about his two year affair…the only person to change was me, he broke my spirit, I was an emotional wreak when I finally left. I told my counselor early on that I thought he had cheated on me 8-12 times…
my counselor told me it was more like 3 to 4 times that number…I researched this aspect of it and came up with the statical fact that 70-90% of sociopaths are sex addicts! DO NOT BUY INTO HIS POOR ME CON GAME to get you back into the marriage, they always want you to feel sorry for them but they never feel sorry for you and what they have done to you…you would not want your family member or friend dating a sex addict?…so why would you. I have no doubt now that the counselor was correct about how many times my ex cheated on me as he travelled weekly and all of his manipulative games he played, lies and hiding his computer/phone etc.
I also found out through research that it takes an average of 6-7 times going to rehab for a drug/alcohol addicted person to get clean and sober if they do at all (most dont) this must be the same for sex addicts..do you really want to watch him fall off the “sex addict wagon” over and over while he is married to you? You deserve so much more out of live then babysitting a sociopath.
Sociopaths also have a “madonna” & “whores complex” google this…meaning they will date/marry a good women then have women that will do anything in bed on the side (not saying these women are bad as they are victims too but sociopaths can easily manipulate a women to do anything they want in bed to please them). Be very happy he has a new supply (girlfriend) that he is focus on because when she dumps him he will return as a complete nightmare back into your life. While he is busy with this new gf take the time to find a good counselor and lawyer. Interview all of these lawyers/counselor by phone. If someone seems slimy they are. I think your ex told you he was a sex addict so that you would feel sorry for him and allow him to have his indiscretions on the side.
Sociopath are ALL about the mind games to control people…ie “are you still working out”….he knows that you are going to toss his words around in your mind over and over, that is what he wants, he wants to control you even when he is not present in your daily life….next time he makes a comment like that throw it right back in his face as hard as that is for us nice people to do you must = “you look like you really need to start working out, I wanted to tell you that during our marriage” then walk away so he can not make a comment….You are a nice person but you can not be nice to a sociopath ever. Play his game only with him. Do not believe anything he said to you as it is only to control you and make you come unglued. But the best solution is not be alone in his presents to allow him to make these ridiculous mean spirited comments to you…cut all ties with him except what the requires even then follow your gut and tell the court that you can not sit in a chair across from your abuser. YOU HAVE A VOICE AGAIN so use it!!
When I had my weak moments in the beginning thinking I made a mistake leaving my husband I came to Donna’s site, or One moms battle (fb pg too), facebook page After Narcissistic abuse and read book after book…my mind opened up to the truth that was clouded over by his mind control…now I cant even stand thinking about him at all. I realize now there were no “good times” in the marriage there were only times that were somewhat tolerable because I tried to look at the good side during those times and ignored his horrible behavior.
I know that it is so hard when you first leave them because they have a grip on our mind and you want your marriage to work because we are taught “marriage is hard work” and “we take are vows seriously” but I want to tell you that no marriage will ever be peaceful or work with a sociopath…yes they can break a women’s spirt down so she is a stepford, robot wife to comply to the sociopaths way of life and every demand but this is no life and eventually the women will reach her limit and leave him (think about it as if you are a cult follower as it is exactly like that for a domestic abuse victim).
NotWhatHeSaidofMe is correct find a good lawyer…yes every hard to find because they are the vultures that suck the marrow from our bones but there are a few that do know about narcissist/sociopathic abuse (ask on one moms battle)…read books on “financial divorce” they are in the divorce section of the big box store they will give you guidance on the financial side of the divorce which a lawyer will not focus on.
My counselor gave me the book “women who love psychopaths” by Sandra Brown along with donna’s books this was a life saver book for me. She interviewed 75 women for the book.
Please remember the sociopaths target good kind hearted, hard working, strong people because they want someone to take care of them because they are weak. You will survive and thrive without this guy in your life. Reach out to the other sites I posted as there is a very strong support network that will help you get through all of your pain you are feeling right now…and I promise you, you will get to a point you will be soooooooo soooooo soooo happy you left this sociopath! Take care 🙂
Jan7 – I know my reply is a bit off topic to the main article. But thank you (!!!) for your post above. I am in the process of making an escape plan from my 32 year marriage. Violent sex addict, child porn, prostitution (sorry to list these). I recently make a conscious decision to search his computer and cell phone. It is far worse than I imagined in my wildest dreams. The entire marriage I have been his sugar mama and it makes me sick to know that I unwittingly subsidized his lifestyle. I paid every house mortgage payment and that freed him up to live how he chooses.
I confronted him over the years – just like you talk about – so many times. He would play the poor me card brilliantly and then when the coast was clear – he was right back in business.
But now I am working toward going No Contact. Light’s House is a great resource for going NC. And I’ve been reading as much as I can about “sheltering in place” while I plan my escape. What really helps me now is knowing that he was addicted when I met him and he has zero intention of changing – he feels entitled. His lies on all his social media accounts are outrageous – just to troll for 18-20 year old women. He is out of town a few days this week and will have several “dates” while attending a professional conference.
In short – thank you for your post. I thank God for leading me to this site which has turned my life upside down and will lead me hopefully to a free life. I am seeing a lawyer next week and I will be very careful to make sure this person knows what they are doing or I will keep looking. I am also researching where I can go and be completely safe in terms of my living situation.
In the meantime, I am staying as calm as possible and telling no one anything. God bless everyone on this site – hang in there !!
I’m praying for you OpalRose as you move forward. Stay strong! Hugs
HopingToHeal – thank you so much !!! Hugs and prayers back to you dear !
Jan7,
Great insights and encouragement here. I see that part of my problem is that I am way to nice. I’m never ready for the next attack, whether it’s openly aggressive or subtle in a back handed way. I am EXHAUSTED! I watched Donna’s video about how the Spath gets us to make promises and then holds them over our heads. My husband does this.
I feel like he has a suction tube connected to my soul and is draining the life out of me. He uses every excuse in the world to have a conversation about money, the house, our kids…whatever he can. I always try to keep the conversations matter of fact, on subject and short, but he still manages to manipulate me. I’m financial dependent on him so he constantly suggest his job is in trouble. He tells me that people see me out partying….I never go anywhere. He blames me for our daughters anxiety….I’m her main source of love and support. He throws something at me all the time. Even saying that the car is dirty and I should take better care of it. And when nothing else works, he states that life is not worth living and attempts to make me believe he will take his own life.
He’s been in enough sexual addiction classes to know that real people have these emotions, so he takes them on as if he is experiencing the same thing. He mirrors his co addicts. He uses Gods word against me saying that God expects this and that, then completely reverses any scriptural word that condemns his behavior. He keeps my head spinning. I get stronger each time I can go periods of time not hearing his Bs, but he senses my strength and swoops in with some idiotic reason to have contact and then starts to beat me down. That’s why I said in an earlier post that I have to see myself as strong when I deal with him just so I don’t feel controlled at all times and lose all hope in my life. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! He is a master at control. And he will Never give it up.
Getting away is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My supporters think I can just divorce and walk away. That will never be able to happen. I have to be ready for the war of the worlds. I have to be able to have some view of what could come. I’m scared of his anger and outburst, even in public. Every story I read helps, but this battle is taking such a tole. Finally, I am beginning to see hope and light ahead. But of course, that only leads to LoveBombing and maneuvering on his part.
Dear Hoping
As part of the process, believe it or now, being able to go No Contact with him is a way for you to get some breathing space. At first, going no contact is hard because we all WANT to be wrong. We all want to fix the problem. Therein lies the bitter truth: there is NO fixing anything with a sociopath, there is only cutting our losses and getting away.
My therapist likened my reality to war (it IS WAR!). The bombs are dropping. You can not start to recover while the bombs are dropping.
For a sociopath, it is war. You are made the loser and you always will be the loser to them because that is the way they operate.
Hoping to heal, (by the way, you will heal :-). I have always been labeled “nice” and when someone is mean to me it takes all of my might to be mean back..then of course I feel awful after wards, most of the time I just turn the other cheek and say nothing…now with the knowledge I have learned about narcissist/sociopath I will not feel awful if one of these people is mean to me and I will not put up with there bs but I also know now it’s ok to cut them out of your life for good. It’s like having one small key to the universe.
You are never ready for the “attack” because that is not who you are (i felt this same way in my marriage too)…but there are so many people on this planet that will say a word or a sentence to make you insecure to have control over you…this is why it is important to not listen to peoples negative words…instead self reflect and see what changes you need to make based on your thoughts not on someone elses.
Your (ex?) husband is intensionally messing with your mind to control you…my ex husband did the same thing daily…it was not until I left did I realize how much he did this to me but also to his own family & all of our friends/coworkers…they are truly sick…sadly society is clueless at their manipulative games just like we were. Stand up for yourself tell him “I dont want to talk about it then walk away”…you do not have to be manipulated by him. He wants you to have high anxiety, they all do…why because if you are anxious you will not fight with them or call them out on their bs…they use it to control the situation.
As for being financially dependent on him…please go to your local abuse center for free counseling & find out about financial resources to get out of this relationship. You know what is going to happen it is going to be war…you just have to plan your attack 10 steps ahead.
When I served my ex the divorce paperwork he sent me a text saying “I though we were going to work on our marriage?”…nope buddy I was planning my escape all along…this is what you have to do…you must have all your ducks in a row…this is why it is important to get into counseling before you leave (secretly), get your adrenal glands working correctly again, hide money, read books on the financial side of the divorce, get a good lawyer, find a safe condo building with security to move into when you are ready to escape, chat on sites like fb pg one moms battle & after narcissistic abuse….you must have a good Exit plan out of the relationship…if you dont that is when he will take control over the divorce. Once you serve him papers get the court to issue a “protective order and a full mental evaluation on him asap.
Make a action plan with the help of your local abuse center…you do not have to do this alone…get your most trusted friends/family/abuse center to help you. Have your friends/family read this site and explain to them what you husband is doing to you now so they have a full understanding of what is going on.
Jan7,
Thank you for this comment. I have reread it several times. Your situation is so much like mine and your advice, from having gone through it, is helping me each time I read it. Thanks for the encouragement.
I wanted to also direct you to an area that most women leaving a abusive relationship do not search and that is the physical body changes that occurred because of the continual stress we endured throughout the abusive marraige…research “adrenal fatigue” see drwilsonadrenalfatigue.org take his quiz see his symptoms list, drlam.com see his symptoms list, womentowomen.com see adrenal fatigue/hormonal imbalance, mialundin.com read her book see her you tube videos.
Our adrenal glands regulate our blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol & adrenaline levels and over 50 hormones including all of the female hormones…they are a big deal but often over looked as the root issue of health aliments including anxiety, panic attacks, depression, brain fog, memory issues, hair loss etc etc.
Continual stress and a poor diet can cause our adrenal glands to become fatigue and in return wreak havoc on our bodies and mind. Find a good hormonal specialist by googling “compounding pharmacy” with your city name then call them for a list of doctors…get tested for hormonal imbalance, vitamin/mineral deficiency, cortisol levels (see drwilson’s site for info) and thyroid t3 & t4…if you have thyroid issues heal your adrenal’s first before your thyroid. Spend the money on this it will be the best money spent on yourself & your health.
How to heal your adrenal glands = good clean diet no sugar, junk food, caffeine, alcohol and with a good diet, vitamins/minerals and possible hormones (nto a big deal pill or cream), rest & relaxation and plenty of sleep…
see Drfuhrman’s book Eat to live (google “dr fuhrman PBS you tube) this plan is very good at flooding the body with much needed vitamins/minerals which have been depleted due to the stress.
It is estimated that 80% of adults will suffer from adrenal fatigue sometime in their adult life. It is also estimated that 1 in 3 adults are deficiency in all B’s, D & magnesium. all of these are needed for a healthy brain & body = thinking clearly.
This was a huge turning point for me in thinking clearly again too once I got these test done and a good direction from my doctor. Your self esteem issues will greatly improve as is not all due to your ex’s words but also your bodies physically needs to be balanced again to heal.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! All great info Jan7!
Also, I read up on adrenal fatigue. I can see that I have many symptoms. So what I’m understanding is that the body’s reaction to stress and fear play a huge part in how we feel and are able to cope. My anxiety level is Hugh all the time. At this point, I feel like I can’t handle most situations. I become overwhelmed and my brain shuts down. I can’t think straight and can barely drive. Rest and quite is the only solution when it happens. Does that sound like AF? I’ve wondered if it’s just depression, however, medication for depression does not help. I e also though it could be PTSD. Any thoughts?
Hi OpalRose, I am incredibly proud of you that after 32 years of marriage you are escape your hell…this is not an easy thing to do mentally or physically since you are probably absolute exhausted. I promise you leaving is the greatest gift you can ever give yourself!! It’s not easy but you will come out of the tunnel and into the light and know that you could never go back. I am sorry for what this evil man has put you through, so disheartening to read your post.
Please read my post below about the physical aspect ie adrenal fatigue, as this is a big part of the mental issue of thinking clearly again, which in turn will help you to make good decision. High levels of cortisol is a big issue for women in/leave abusive relationships..it’s normal to have higher levels in any breakup (they call it now “Broken Heart Syndrome” but really it’s high levels of cortisol) so if you address it now it will not be an issue when you finally leave.
I felt so alone in my marriage my husband mentally isolated me from talking to friends and family so you are very brave to come here and speak your truth…that is a huge step! Pat yourself on the back!! Keep reaching out for help you do not have to escape on your own. All of the facebook pages I posted along with Donna’s site here helped me everyday after I left. If you have not looked at an “Exit Plan” at your local abuse center you can look on the National Domestic Violence Hotline website for one and google “dr phil exit plan”. I would also suggest you go to your local abuse center now for free counseling and women group meets plus they have resources that might help you leave sooner.
Tell all of your trusted friends/family about what this guy has done to you now because when you serve him the divorce papers he will start a smear campaign of lies about you if he has not already done so with all of these people, so tell people now what is going on.
God bles you too.
HopingToHeal, your description is dead on for adrenal fatigue!
Anxiety, depression, panic attracts etc are all major issues of adrenal fatigue. This can be healed within 6 months to two years depending on your adrenal gland fatigue. But the good news is they can be healed!
I would highly recommend a diet plan like Dr Fuhrman book Eat to live as it floods the body with vitamins/minerals that have been depleted because of all the stress and get your adrenal glands working well again quickly. On After Narcissistic abuse facebook page the site own ask the question if anyone was sick during their relationship and with what issues….it was absolutely shocking the hundreds of response and the major issues where anxiety, depression, panic attacks, brain fog, memory problems = adrenal fatigue = PTSD. Yes, Dr Wilson’s states in his book that to heal PTSD you must heal your adrenal glands so there is a link.
When I left my husband I had almost every symptoms of adrenal fatigue…I could not sleep, anxiety was through the roof, brain fog…I was a shell of my former healthy self. My hormonal specialist got me balanced again although I still have issue with dealing with some stress it’s so much better then it was.
As for anti-depressants google “dr Amen you tube” he is a leading brain specialist/therapist who has conducted over 80,000 brain scans, he prefers that people try a diet change and natural remedies first before antidepressants…he is all about keeping your brain healthy without adding man made drugs it at all possible. Google “dr amen PBS you tube” and watch his PBS special on how to heal your brain, he also has countless books on healing the brain including one on anxiety/depression. For me I found getting my hormones balanced & a clean diet like Dr Fuhrmans helped me out ten fold.
If you have depression then you also have anxiety as they go hand and hand with each other. Google “depression vitamin deficiency” then with anxiety.
I truly do believe that adrenal fatigue is the missing link for women leaving their abusive relationship to heal fully.
Symtoms of adrenal fatigue…
Cognitive Symptoms
Forgetfulness
Poor short-term memory
Difficulty focusing
Indecisiveness
Difficulty concentrating
Trouble thinking clearly
Poor behavior/being unlike one’s self
Focusing on the negative
Racing or anxious thoughts
Emotional Symptoms
• Constant worrying
• Fearful anticipation
• Agitation and moodiness
• Restlessness
• Short temper
• Irritability, impatience
• Inability to relax
• Feeling tense and “on edge”
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Sense of loneliness and isolation
Behavioral Symptoms
• Decrease in sex drive/libido
• Eating less or more then usual
• Habitual craving for salty or sweet foods
• Sleeping too much or too little
• Neglecting responsibilities
• Avoiding contact with others
• Using alcohol, tobacco, or drugs to unwind
• Nervous habits (e.g. pacing or nail biting)
• “Overdoing it” (e.g. exercising, working)
• Using caffeine to stay going
• Becoming argumentative or combative
• Overreacting to unexpected problems
Physical / Physiological Symptoms
• Chronic fatigue
• Tense pain in head and/or back
• Stiffness and tension in muscles
• Constipation or diarrhea
• Nausea, dizziness
• Difficulty sleeping/insomnia
• Increased heart rate/chest pain
• Increase or decrease in blood pressure
• Loss or gain in weight
• High or low blood sugar
• Skin conditions (e.g. eczema, hives)
• Frequent or prolonged colds
Jan7
GREAT post. People underestimate the effects of WAR. Cortisol is turned on and it takes specific actions to return it to normal levels. Then there is MORE to do, then healing can begin so that Cortisol does not go out of whack when faced with small normal challenges of life.
But it can not be done while still in marriage or relationship with a sociopath.
Sociopaths bodies do not respond to stress the way that normal people do. So they will always have stamina to wage WAR while we crumble exhausted and ready to die.
I did that. I wanted to die. It was all so much. I just wanted life to stop. Funny thing. I got away because he didn’t want me anymore. What I thought was the worst thing in the world was actually my biggest blessing.
Wish I had this website. Being alone and thinking it was all my fault for being so worthless was why I stayed. Had I known that he was a sociopath and what that meant, that would have been the answer I needed. I didn’t find out that he was a sociopath until after I moved away from him and was seeking relief from the misery. You ALL are further ahead than I was when I lived with my now ex-husband. You KNOW he’s devoid. He’s a sociopath. And there is only relief in your future, once you are free of him. Knowing that way back when I was married would have been so encouraging for me.
Notwhathesaidofme….They say “stress will kill you”…what they really mean is high levels of cortisol will kill you. I really do think that it is very important to find a good hormonal specialist before you leave to start getting your body/mind back to a healthy level…yes, you will not heal totally until the sociopath is out of your life but you must take steps before leaving to start moving towards who you were before you met him.
Getting your adrenal glands functioning better before you leave = you will make better decisions as the adrenal glands effect our thinking (ie hormones out of balanced/high cortisol levels etc = will not think clearly and affectively). But most importantly it will reduce your some of your anxiety level…which is the direction you want to move towards. Then once you leave get a restraining order & follow the no contract rule to break the emotional bond addiction they have over you and then every thing that you were doing to improve your heath will all start to work rapidly. Small steps before you leave = big steps when you finally do leave.
Wish I too would have know that there was a word to describe who he was and all of the things that were crazy about him, were really truly crazy…no just in my mind. Thank goodness for wonderful sites like Lovefraud…truly a saving grace for all of us.
Jan7
What you describe is something I still struggle with, control of my health.
How to find a good hormone specialist.
I do not have the funds to spend on dead ends. Even though it’s a law in my state that health insurance must be maintained, my husband didn’t, and the courts did not enforce the law. As a consequence to my marriage, I am now high risk and can’t afford insurance.
There’s a lot of quackery, and no relief from predatory practices in the areas where the abused seek health solutions.
What are the clues that reveal who is a good hormone specialist? What is a reasonable price to pay?
I have freed myself of my ex-husband. But I have a new torment, one I don’t want to resolve. I wanted to be a mom, I loved being a mom. It’s hard to see my children become a version of my ex. I didn’t just fail at my marriage. I failed at the only thing I ever wanted to be, a mom. So my stress is on the upswing again…
Notwhathesaidofme….I think every women leaving abusive relationship struggles with their health….to find a hormonal specialist google “compounding pharmacy” with your city name then call them for a list of doctors, then interview the doctors via phone and ask if they have a way to reduce the visit cost and also ask your friends/family if they know of a good honest one too.
I would also suggest books like dr Christina northrup’s (hers you most likely can find at your local library) and mia lundin (her book is really good). See sites like mialundin.com, drchristinanorthrup.com, womentowomen.com to read up on adrenal fatigue/hormonal imbalance to educate yourself before going to the doctors.
A good clean diet such as Dr Fuhrman’s eat to live may help to balance your hormones naturally…google “dr fuhrman pbs you tube” to watch his PBS special and if you go to OWN.com (oprah’s site) then do a search under the “video” section with Dr Christine Northrup you can find her discussions with Oprah. Your local library will have other books on the subject.
You have not failed at being a mom, you are teaching your kids that no matter what happens you can survive and thrive this is a valuable lesson for all kids and you also taught them that you do not have to accept someones abuse. These are very important life lessons!
Vitamin deficiency are a huge part of anxiety issues…specifically al B’s, D, magnesium…take the quiz on dr wilson’s site drwilsonadrenalfatigue.org…my hormonal specialist gave me Dr Wilson’s vitamins 1) Adrenal Rebuilder 2) super adrenal stress formula (this one is nothing more then B Complex) he had me take them according to dr wilson’s site 2 AM/1 at noon/1 at 2:30/2 at bed time along with progesterone pills (hormones = this you need to be tested for)…it was quite shocking how quickly they worked to reduce my anxiety by half, (within days).
google: epson salt baths as this is a good way to get magnesium which is a natural relaxer.
Progesterone is a hormone produced in our bodies, a natural relaxer as we age it naturally reduces while estrone (sp??)increases but also high stress throws all of this off balance = hormonal imbalance). This is why you should be tested for hormonal imbalance by a good hormonal specialist. Talk to the doctors office and tell them you are on a tight budget but know that you need help in this area and they might have some options for you to keep the cost down ie only get tested for hormonal imbalance for now.
Taking vitamin b complex, d, magnesium, c and a good healthy diet for a month like Dr Fuhrman’s eat to live will flood your body….google “vitamin deficiency and anxiety”.
Thank you. All good advice. And another reason to caution people to not wait it out and hope it will get better.
I have allergies and food insensitivities, my digestive system doesn’t absorb, or rather it absorbs maladaptively. I am unable to take most vitamins or eat many foods that are staples of these diets. My body has inflammatory responses and my asthma flares up. The solutions to adrenal fatigue is to take the very things that increase illness.
I think many women who are dealing with loss of health from living with a sociopath are dealing with catch-22 issues just as I am.
I’m sorry that you have so many health issues…sounds like you have celiac disease ?? If so there are many food plans/books that direct you to good health. you might also want to check into acidophilus to build your immune system back up.
They really do destroy so many aspect of our lives, don’t they 🙁
Wishing you good health soon!