By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
I was reading an article about Steve Jobs’ new biography that came out this past week, and some of the stories about his life. There is no doubt in my mind that Steve Jobs was one of the smartest and most savvy guys in the Twentieth Century. The inventions that he fostered or personally thought of have changed our society and our culture, and remarkably changed the communication field. An amazing man!
You may have read the title of this article and are already wondering how Steve Jobs was killed by a “psychopath.” Jobs died of the terminal stages of pancreatic cancer. He was diagnosed with this very serious form of cancer. Apparently, according to what I read, it was a slower growing kind of this cancer, and if he had had surgery right then, there is a good chance that he might have actually effected a cure and be alive even today.
That wasn’t what Steve chose to do, though ”¦ he chose to deny the seriousness and the urgency to take drastic action immediately to exorcise the tumor out of his system. He did not essentially “go NO CONTACT” with the toxic, malignant entity that had silently invaded his body. As smart as Jobs was, and even though he had access to the best and most knowledgeable physicians in the world, he did not take the “appropriate action” to have the surgery. Jobs told his biographer that he did “not want to be cut open like that.” He later regretted that decision and even realized that it may have cost him his life.
His biographer says that he ultimately saw that the colon cleansing and other “new age” treatments did nothing for him, and nine months after he turned down after recommended surgery, Jobs finally decided to have it—what is called a “Whipple procedure” to remove the tumor. It was too late; he had missed that narrow “window of opportunity” in which he could have saved his life. He “got a divorce” from the tumor too late, the damage had been done. Though Steve Jobs fought valiantly for the next decade, the ultimate “win” by the psychopathic cancer was a foregone conclusion. He had failed to excise the cancer from his life while it was small.
Psychopaths as cancers
Too many times, I see psychopathic relationships with “malignant” individuals, and like cancers, they may grow inside us without being detectable as toxic until one day, even before we know they are toxic, the fatal damage has been done. Or, we may get a chance recognize them and to excise them when they are “small” in relationship to the rest of our lives. We can remove them without leaving large scars or holes in our lives. If we get this chance to remove the “malignant” people from our lives and we, like Steve Jobs, decide on a “want and see” plan, we allow them to grow and infiltrate our lives more fully, so that if and when we do decide to “surgically” remove them from our lives, the hole and the scars that they leave is much larger and more debilitating than if we had “done the surgery” when the situation wasn’t quite so ingrown.
Jesus talked about “if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, if thy hand offend thee, cut it off,” and went on to analogize that it is better to live a life with one eye or one hand than to live in “hell” with two eyes or two hands. Sometimes I think the “surgery” necessary to remove the psychopathic personality from our lives is very much like “plucking out your own eye” or “cutting off your own hand” with a rusty butcher knife. But the point of the situation is that in order to live a good life, or in some cases to live at all, we must make the hard decision to excise the toxic person, or the malignant tumor, from our lives as soon as we know what they are. Waiting around, treating this toxic, malignant issue with “kindness and love,” isn’t going to remove it from our lives or our bodies, or change it into something benign. We must take drastic and surgical action to remove this malignant person from our lives completely.
Removing those around the psychopath
That may also mean taking out the “lymph nodes” of the people around the cancerous person, just like the doctor will remove lymph nodes from around a breast containing cancer where that malignancy has spread into those nodes so that they, in turn, don’t spread the toxin to the rest of the body. It is unfortunate but true that a toxic psychopath will frequently have spread their lies and toxins to other people around us that we may also love ”¦ their families, our mutual friends, etc. A “cure” from the toxic psychopath may require us to be NC with those people too, and excise them from our lives as well. The longer the psychopath has been in our lives and the more deeply involved, the more likely this will be necessary. Failing to “bite the bullet” and do this as well may result in a recurrence of the malignancy this person leaves in our lives.
Steve Jobs was a significant personality in our culture. Of course there is no guarantee that if he had elected to have the surgery sooner rather than later, that he would have lived longer or better, but I can guarantee that living with a psychopathic person longer, or trying every “alternative” cure, except total surgical removal, isn’t going to improve your life in any way.
I think even in his death, Steve Jobs left us one more important thing ”¦ a lesson for anyone involved with a toxic relationship of any kind.
Oxy,
Haha, that’s right – I forgot about the “Pauline Doctrine of No Contact”! Thanks for reminding me of that.
You know, my feelings are like this…I used to forgive EVERYBODY just because that is who I used to be. But since I have been burned very badly, I no longer feel I “need” to forgive everyone. Well, I take that back…I will forgive because the Bible teaches me to forgive as God has forgiven me a million times, but I will NOT forget. And you know what? There MAY be good somewhere even in spaths and narcissists, but that doesn’t mean I have to be around them. Cutting them out of your life is the only way to go.
WOW! Thank you everyone for your insightful words and your caring views. I do appreciate them.
I was scratching my head at my therapist contradicting herself because she would say that my ex hasn’t changed and he is treating his wife poorly (even if the wife doesn’t realize it). But then a few sessions later she would say,”Well, let’s hope he’s not treating his wife like that.” WTF. Either he is or he isn’t.
I don’t think my therapist agrees that he is a sociopath. A Narcissist yes, but a sociopath, she is not willing to go there. I guess because he has only done petty Frat Boy theft and destruction. She is the one who labeled the “date rape” incident. I never even saw it that way until she explained what date rape was. She explained that he was acting out his father’s perversions, what he witnessed in his childhood. She completely agrees that he is toxic and bad news for me.
But I guess, overall, she is just insisting that we have only scratched the surface of my issues. My focus or OBSESSION over my ex-spath is just a deflection to keep me from focusing on the primal wounds of my childhood.
I do not have any contact with my ex at all. I have blocked all mutual friends on FB and I have really improved in my “living in the present” .
Oxy-I love the example of the Good Samaratin. And I totally get what St. Paul was saying. I don’t think my therapist wants me to ever have contact with my ex or to even entertain forgiving him. I do think she just wants me to get to the point of indifference so I can start focusing on my parents and childhood.
But someone made a good point. She shouldn’t be pushing me too hard to get to that other area. I don’t think one is more crucial than the other. Yes, my parents really screwed up raising me. They failed miserably. But I still insist that I innocently fell in love with a person who I thought I could trust and who accepted me for who I am. I, unfortunately, found out that I was just a sexual tool to be used for his agenda.
The point I try to make to my therapist is that I met my husband almost two weeks to the day after I broke things off with my ex spath. I was still the same person, but my husband turned out to be a sincere and truly loving human being to me who had a great understanding of the human condition. So, I don’t think it was my past experiences that attracted my ex spath any more than it attracted my husband.
Another point in the area of “being too young’ is that the man I married I met in my early twenties and the woman my ex spath married he met in his early twenties. We both married the people we were with right after our experience together. I don’t think age had anything to do with it.
I am going to go home tonight (after trick-or-treating) and write down my whole story. I think it is time I shared it with you all so you can understand all this better.
Thank you, again.
You know, Constantine, there are a LOT OF GOOD IDEAS in the Bible about dealing with psychopaths, and that is only one of them! There are also great descriptions of psychopaths as well. It doesn’t matter if you believe that it is the inspired word of God or not, the advice is still GOOD!
It is funny though, how so many “churches” preach that “forgiveness” is all about someone saying “sorry” and then we are supposed to PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED….restore trust….when actually the Bible itself gives many examples of JUST THE OPPOSITE.
When Paul was “converted” and went from literally killing Christians to being one, he was NOT GIVEN INSTANT TRUST by the other apostles or by the Christian community until he had SHOWED by his behavior that he was sincere. The story of Joseph in the old Testament is another good example. When his brothers who had sold him into slavery showed up and he was second only to the king in Egypt, he did NOT instantly welcome them, he TESTED them severely to see if they had changed in the 20 or 30 years since he had seen them last. As a group they proved that they had changed, and only THEN did he tell them who he was.
Interestingly too, years later when their father died, the brothers thought “well, now that daddy is dead, Joseph is gonna kill us to get even.” Of course that was NOT the case as later events showed.
It is amazing what insights I got into the advice of the Bible when I stopped reading it with PREJUDICE from what other people told me “it meant”–and started seeing it like I had never seen it before with “fresh eyes.”
Dear Sisterhood,
A therapist should not be “pushing” you in ANY direction, it sounds like she has MORE ISSUES THAN YOU DO! LOL You don’t need to be trying to heal the therapist, or help HER find understanding….you need a therapist who HAS UNDERSTANDING….LOL
Yes, you need to solve your issues with your family of origin, but one is not more important than the other. The issues of your Relationship with the psychopath are the “current” issue, and she needs to acknowledge that he is EVIL and isn’t gonna change, and as far as “forgiveness” you can forgive him without trusting him. Just getting the bitterness out of your heart is “forgiveness” I think, but that doesn’t mean forgetting about what he did.
The indifference part will eventually come, but it is something that you have to continue to work on, the bitterness will creep back in if you allow it to. Healing is a PROCESS not a destination of one day you “reach it.”
There are always things to learn and to work on. As far as your psychopath “repeating his father’s” problems, maybe so, but SO WHAT? That doesn’t mean he isn’t a psychopath….or a rapist or a toxic person. I don’t think finding pity for your poor psychopath who had a difficult childhood is gonna advance YOUR healing.
Her inconsistencies and contradictions are also another indication that she need to get HER SHEET TOGETHER and decide what she believes. I don’t think she knows.
ouu, Constantine, i like your ‘shades of yellow’ VERY much. 🙂
i saw a new psychologist for the first time. don’t think it’s going to work out, but i will give it 3 sessions.
She obviously has a food addiction, and that speaks of fear and control issues to me – and i do not want to deal with that program running in her background. she also has a rather ‘beat around the bush style’ that i always feels really dishonest to me.
i don’t think this is going to be ‘client directed’ therapy at all. I was excited to see an actual psychologist, but I really preferred the MSW I spoke with a couple of times – she was ‘real’. She doesn’t have the Jungian training, and i want that – but….go where it feels best.
And i wanted to say to the sisterhood – i had a psychology student as a therapist once – i thought, what help is this straight 22 year old going to be to me? She turned out to be one of the most respectful therapists i have ever had. We had nothing in common whatsoever – but she was awesome and very helpful.
One Joy,
you are right to go with your gut on the therapist. The alphabet soup behind the name means nothing if the empathy is not there or if it’s shallow.
I think if I was looking for a therapist, I would look for signs of maturity (or immaturity) foremost. Because with maturity comes wisdom.
There are so many traditions of therapy that arose from freud and jung that in the end there is a connection anyway.
I personally don’t believe that the connection here stands up under scrutiny – it seems like more of a drama thing.
In addition, the belief that surgery could have “saved” Steve Jobs is a matter of opinion. Science has not had much success, if any, dealing with cancer. The issue goes deeper than slicing and dicing.
Joyce,
How do we contact you?