By December 28, 2011 47 Comments Read More →

Suffering, Agony and The Pathway to Peace

Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.

There are times when I feel completely lost in all this pain, with no way out.  It is as if I have been completely abandoned in a world full of hurt.  There seems to be no one, or no thing, that I can trust anymore.  All of the things that I used to enjoy only bring me temporary relief, at best.  My mind obsesses about what happened, what could have been, and what misery the future holds.  It feels as though my very life has been taken from me.  Hopelessness has become my home, and fear my constant companion.

If you recognize this state of mind, “you are not alone”.  I found Hope is these simple words, and today, believe that hope is the single greatest gift that one person can provide to another.  The reason these words were so comforting to me is because those that said it, did so from a place that I was seeking.  That place was peace and happiness.  I thought I would never experience peace and happiness again, but there it was in front of me.  It was being offered by people that had been to the Hell that I described above and knew the way out.  The result was Hope.

And what is Hope after all?  Hope is the belief that we can overcome whatever tragedy or suffering that is in our lives at the current moment.

The past few postings here have presented some of the Spiritual concepts that lead to peace, but this week we will talk about the key to freedom and offer a way out, if interested.  The key to Peace, and the invitation for a Miracle, resides in one of the simplest, yet most misunderstood of all spiritual teachings.  This misunderstanding makes this simple step one of the most difficult ever taken, but by far, the most meaningful.  The only way to overcome the past, is to let it go.

Our freedom resides in our willingness and ability to Forgive.

Forgive is one of the most misunderstood words in the English language.  In fact, many people are “put off” by the very idea and recoil from the suggestion because of what they “think” forgiveness means.  The act of forgiveness does not release the perpetrator from responsibility for their crimes, nor condone the behavior. Forgiving the perpetrator does NOT mean we trust them, or like them.  Forgiveness is about Letting Go, a process that releases us from another’s destructive hold over our lives.

Many of us understand why forgiveness is important and the profound affects that it can have on our lives and the lives of those around us, but few know how to do it. Most, however, know very little about the sometimes devastating physical illnesses and damaged relationships that are caused by our inability to let go of the past.

It took me a tremendous amount of suffering before I recognized that my past was poisoning the current moment, all of my relationships, and robbing me of my Peace of mind.  Without knowing it, I was using my past to harm me, and those I loved.  Finally, it became so painful that I decided to stop bludgeoning myself to death and try something different.  It turned out to be just The Miracle that I was looking for.

When I started this series my hope was that I could offer the step by step process of letting go through this blog, but although simple, it is not that easy.  Our culture today promises everything in an instant, as if that is the solution to our problems.  This often creates an expectation that suggests immediate results.  This leads to more discouragement and compounds the original mistake, by adding a feeling of unworthiness and failure.  The process of letting go requires willingness, sharing, and a commitment to get free that most are not yet willing to accept.

I will continue to write weekly here, but for those that are interested and willing to go more deeply into the process of letting go, please join A Course In Forgiving  (begins January 19, 2012).  I did not come here to promote The Course, but to offer it to those that feel moved to do something more about the pain in their lives.

This Course is designed to guide participants through the Step by Step Spiritual Process of Letting Go with weekly lessons, readings and exercises that are intended to open the pathway to healing and Peace.  If you would like to donate up to $25.00 for the six week online course, thank you, but please do not feel obligated to pay for The Course.

If interested, please visit and click the link in the left hand column titled “Six Week Course Online”.  For those that participate, I will be available by phone and email to share experience in addition to this weekly blog on Lovefraud.


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47 Comments on "Suffering, Agony and The Pathway to Peace"

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Hi! Molly here. I have been reading on this site for a while but this is my first post. I was so happy to find this site. When you have been dragged through hell by a spath people just don’t get it. I stopped talking about it to my friends. The vibe I got back was that I was just angry and bitter because, you know, he really is a nice guy. i soon figured out that they don’t understand and just can’t understand. I went to therapy and my therapist didn’t get it either. I read “A dance with the devil” by Barbara Bentley and e-mailed her to thank her for writing her book. For the first time I didn’t feel alone and crazy.

It has been a long healing process and I continue on my healing journey. I have two jobs so life keeps me busy. That helps. I still question the lesson. Why did I need to learn this?? Really God?? and in my angry moments…. why does he get away with this, with no hurt and no consequences?? and if what goes around comes around, when does he get his comes around??
enough said. thank you all for your posts.

Dear Molly, Thanks for your post! Hey, they don’t really “get away” with it, because actually they are UNABLE TO LOVE. How would you like to be DEVOID of the ability to LOVE? I can’t even imagine how miserable that would be….it would be like being blind, deaf, unable to feel touch, without taste or smell….just in an EMPTY world devoid of all the joys and sensations…so I think we are better off, but learning about them is like learning to avoid putting our hands on a hot stove, or learning not to walk on broken glass. There is a lesson there that saves us future pain.

So keep on reading, learning, growing and healing! And again, WELCOME to Love Fraud!

Hi Molly: Welcome to Love Fraud.
Yes, I completely understand, the people around us just ‘don’t get it’, most of the time, including therapists. You must shop around for a therapist who completely ‘gets it’. They are out there, just perhaps too few. Friends, family, NOBODY ‘gets it’. Which further solidifies all of the horrid devaluing the spath has already done. Once you recognize that it is an illness and look at it from a different perspective, it doesn’t matter what other people think. YOU KNOW. That is the only validation we need. We are entitled to that validation.

I have not read “A Dance with the Devil” but have heard it is amazing…I shall have to put that on my ‘fall asleep with a book’ list. Thanks for recalling it to me.

Yes, a very long and grueling healing process. I have been on mine for the past 5 years, steadily, after having known him for 10 years all together. Yes, I am a firm believer in avoidance behaviors, Molly…you will be just fine; keep yourself as busy as you possibly can. FOCUS: REMEMBER YOUR WORTH AND YOUR VALUE.

It does seem like they get away with everything but they aren’t. When they are sleeping at night, those nightmares that wake them?? The one’s where they wake screaming and shivering and feel like they are over the edge…that is their karma; they don’t realize that it is their CONSCIOUS trying to reach them.

Being able to walk away from an abusive relationship like this and mean what you are saying is so empowering. Standing up for yourself and your values and virtues and not being shy about it at all.

They are who they are.
Leopards don’t change their spots.
The weak are killed and eaten in their world.

I wish you blessings and peace and success Molly…


woundlicker –

“Most of the time my energy is totally drained when my mind tries to wrap around what happened for more than a few minutes. Even after the psychopath has been gone for several years, I have physical problems due to stress, depression for which I take antidepressants, drained energy, confussion and short term memory loss to name a few. I cant seem to cope well enough in my self recovery to function at an acceptable level. I’m a mess…”

I do hope you have seen a doctor honey? You have PTSD. Most of us who tangle in any meaningful way with spaths end up with it. Many on the blog have been diagnosed and are being treated for it. You are NOT going nuts – when your body switches that adrenaline on and keeps the pedal down continuously (like what happens when we live in daily fear and confusion and even terror), our cortisol levels end up drained and our other hormones also wind up completely out of whack trying to stabilise the chemical imbalances caused by this. Medical fact.

Generally – in women at least – this will mean several things. Some of your oestrogens will plummet but others will rise, driving up your testosterone level. Until this all gets sorted, you will continue to have the physical problems even after you have the mental and emotional WTF’s sorted in your head.

The physical results are: sleep problems, hyper-vigilance, fatigue, cognitive dysfunction, short term memory loss, difficulty concentrating, tearfulness, weakness, often a loss of or alteration in spiritual beliefs, recurring nightmares and even “daymares”, re-experiencing trauma, over active startle reflex, active avoidance of things, people and places that remind us or trigger us….
Many of us have also gone on to develop other, linked illnesses, like Fibromyalgia, chemical sensitivities, CFS etc.

Get thee to a doctor prithee! I have been having counseling (therapy) for 2 years and apart from the odd “trigger” (like when I have to see Superspath in court) I am fine now most of the time. I am almost 4 and a half years out from the relationshit but have only realised over the past 2 that I was spathed. Such a relief to identify and dissect those WTF feelings/moments!!!!

Stay, read, post, learn – but please get some medical attention too. What we have is not low-level stress, it is killer stuff if not addressed as soon as possible.

littlewhitehorse –

You too. PTSD. Get it treated honey. xx

DUPED NO MORE! says: Let me explain like this: if someone is ’peeling the skin’ off your body and they are leaving you lay there while you watch them trying it on, do you FORGIVE “THAT”? No. Certainly not. What you DO “DO” is get away from it and educate yourself and train yourself and discipline yourself to STAY AWAY FROM IT.

Wow and Wow Duped No More, That was the biggest Validation for me, If my ex spath could of literally worn my ‘skin’, mind, heart and soul he would of. Even after all these yrs (8) of NC It still feels a bit “crazy” that another human being wanted to devour the very essence of ‘ME’. Thank you so much for that validation, it has helped me a lot in validating my feelings and thaughts around this.

I am learning, knoweldge and information=power and healing 🙂

Blessings to all.

Dragonleigh: I am sorry you understood and related to what I said.

I am touched that I ‘validated’ you.

You and I understand what that is like: ‘having the skin peeled from your body’ and watching them try it on. You can see it in ‘hindsight’, now, I know you can, just like I see it in my situation. It’s ‘chilling’ but at the same time, very educational.

8 years of NC; I am almost to my 8th MONTH, let alone years, My Dear….Yes, thanks for ‘warning’ me that it still feels a ‘bit crazy’…yes, they tried to devour not only the very essence of US but in my case, “IT” tried to devour “ME”. ALL OF ME.

Dragonleigh…I am so sorry this happened to you and in your lifetime. Cling to your value and your worth. Stand up and be that dynamic person I just know you are. If you do that, and stay true to yourself, you will be just fine. And that is my prayer and my wish for you. Hear me?

You and I appear to have walked the same side of the tracks on this one. We have both seen evil at it’s absolute finest. I can tell because you understood what I said. That is a whole lot of evil. Like a deer being caught in the headlights. That kind of evil. I know how cold and dark and the madness that follows.

I am so happy to know that something I have said has touched you and helped you. You have quite made my day and left it ending on a smile. Thank you for your feedback. It means a lot.

Learning is knowledge and knowledge is the information we need to live and to heal. We will then have that power. We have always had the power but we relinquished it for a while, trusting another’s intentions were as pure of heart as our’s was when we know that is really not the case; don’t we?

Stay true to yourself.

Lifetime hugs Dragonleigh…


Dear Dupey,

Hugs and Blessings to you 🙂 Your words are like a healing balm.
It warms my heart to know I was able to bring a smile to your face and ‘made your day’, so to speak, the validation and the knowledge that I get from your words and the words of others on this amazing site have been very healing for me.

Woohoo!!!! 8months NC, way to go!!!!!

10 yrs ago left abusise marriage ,9rs stalker spath, 8 yrs since my ex-b/f spath(true evil), 4 yrs ex friend/co worker, 2 yrs toxic (for me) mother………..WOW!!!!!……….LOL, No wonder I feel battle weary and tired at only 47, all NC except my mom. Even though I have stumbled many times…..I’m still Standing…..I’m still ME; Kind, Compassionate, Empathic, Loyal, Loving and Ethicial.

Cling to your value and your worth. Stand up and be that dynamic person I just know you are. If you do that, and stay true to yourself, you will be just fine. And that is my prayer and my wish for you. Hear me?

Dupey, I hear you loud and clear 🙂 Lol, Just what I needed to hear, had an operation a month or so ago and was starting to like the hibernation/retreat from life, a little to much I think.
I pray and wish the same prayer for you.((((HUGS))))

NC Rocks!!!!
Spath Free Rules!!!!

Blessings to all.

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