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TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: He took away someone I loved

Editor’s note:  The following email came from an Australian man who we’ll call “Roger.” It recounts his years of experiences with someone he originally met in high school, who he thought was a friend, but turned out to be a sociopath. Notice how this particular sociopath seemed to get nothing from Roger but the pleasure of destroying his love life.

My encounter with the sociopath began in high school at 16 years of age (1994). My younger brother, who was 12, started high school at this time. My brother and I are completely different in both in looks and in personality. I am the outgoing type, whereas my brother is the reserved type. We are like salt and pepper, never really understood why as we grew up in the same home by the same parents, we always got along though, being different.

Fast forward 12 years (2006) my brother got a job at the same company as the sociopath, who helped get him the job. At the time I thought that was very noble of him, considering my brother is shy and reserved. Unfortunately, while working under the sociopath, he would come home stressed and paranoid about how he was not performing well at work. I used to ask myself, why is my brother like this, it was just a call centre job, can’t be that difficult. I still didn’t know we had a sociopath in our lives.

I actually moved in with the sociopath in the city, a two-bedroom apartment leased for one year. Just before we moved in, I attended the company Christmas party where the sociopath and my brother worked. I met a girl who would become my girlfriend at this party, who worked with my brother and the sociopath.

During this time the sociopath was seeing the girl’s cousin. We were both living in the apartment for approximately a month and the mask of sanity slipped, red flags were being noted.

(2007 February) The Sociopath and I bought a small dining table, he decided to build it. His girlfriend was also over at the time, when I noticed he was struggling to put the legs of the table together. He then called me over wanting help with the table, so I went and helped him put the legs on the table and suddenly he yells at me “Roger, Fuck off!” At this point I am thinking to myself WTF, first he asks for help, and then he’s telling me where to go. I was bewildered at this point, thinking what is wrong with this person and this is where things changed between him and me.

We became distant, when eventually he apologised (not an empathic apology, a sociopathic one) as he told me his girlfriend thinks he was rude to me. I noticed ‘the girlfriend thought he was rude, he didn’t think he was rude!’ We weren’t close any more, something was amiss, and who could turn 180 degrees in such a short period of time?

Girlfriend breaks up

A week later my girlfriend at the time (his girlfriend’s cousin) decided to break up with me. Obviously I’m hurt from the break up as I loved this girl, so my emotions at this point in time were running wild. She breaks up with me for no real reason as she did this via text. I am still bewildered and trying to figure out who this supposed friend of 10 years is?

I was in a state of, what did I do to my girlfriend? And what is wrong with my friend? Mind you, I and my former girlfriend were still technically friends, as we would email each other on what was happening. I told her about the table incident.

(2007 March) The Sociopath and his girlfriend come over late one night and I was wearing nothing but my underwear, as soon as he saw me in just my underwear, he yells at me, “Roger put some clothes on will you!” So I did. Then the next day I snapped, “I’m thinking, I am comfortable in my own home wearing underwear and I am getting told off, was I supposed to know his girlfriend is coming over?” A week later the same thing happened, I kept quiet. The next day I told the sociopath off and said, “How about you let me know when she is coming over, and I’ll have some clothes on, otherwise I’ll be naked next time!”

I told my ex about this story as well in an email, I also told her “why do only my friends come to my apartment, where are his friends? I don’t know who he is anymore; I have never seen him like this.”

(2007 March) Devalue and discard was in effect. The sociopath has decided to move out and live with his girlfriend after two and half months. I said fine, but you’re still paying your half of the rent, which he did, surprisingly.

(2007 June) I haven’t spoken to the sociopath in three months, only to find out from my brother that he is now engaged. I asked my brother why he hasn’t told me yet, and my brother said, “he wants to tell you personally.”

I receive a text from my ex (who I know still loved me), asking if I was coming to the engagement party. I told her, “he hasn’t even told me he’s engaged, and that I am not supposed to know, as he was going to tell me personally.”

Two weeks later, the sociopath comes over; mind you, his bed and some of his clothes and belongings are still in the apartment. He decides to tell me he got engaged. I congratulated him, but I noticed he wasn’t very excited about it and stated that his engagement party consists of “it’s just family.” I started getting really suspicious here, as obviously he keeps in contact with my ex, but I thought, well, he is engaged to her cousin.

Another breakup

(2008 February) The ex and I are back together, I have moved back to my parents place to save up for a house. Only to notice the ex being distant from me as we broke up again. I wanted to get things resolved, so I caught up with her, only to find out she is really upset with me and starting mentioning my past with an ex of mine. I never went to detail about her to my ex, as it was in the past. The radar went off again, as there is only one person who knew about my ex-ex so well. And I gave my ex the details of my past.

I said to my ex, “I haven’t said anything to the sociopath yet!” and she said, “Thanks.” I reached another WTF moment. Why is my ex thanking me because I haven’t told the sociopath off? I am thinking to myself, why is the sociopath saying things about my past to my girlfriend? I don’t have anything to hide about my past, because I broke up amicably with my ex -ex so I wasn’t worrying about my current ex knowing about what happened in the past. I was worried about the fact that my supposed friend is telling my ex things when it’s none of his business what happened in the past with my ex-ex.

At the same time, my ex makes statements that me and the sociopath are best friends. We were good friends but never best, I know who my best friends are. I started noticing my ex must be really naive to think this is the case, because if that were the case, she wouldn’t be asking the Sociopath that I be the best man at his wedding. The sociopath once again used the excuse: “it’s just family.”

My current ex and I broke up again, obviously because of trust issues.

Wedding

(September 2008) The sociopathic wedding day. I just got back from sunny Italy, had the time of my life, I was tanned, looking good, confident, didn’t give a rats about the world. I was my old self again.

It was show time for the sociopath. I was seated in the very back, last table of the reception, with an old friend of mine as we were good friends in high school. My ex was the maid of honour.

After a few drinks and catching up on old times with my old friend, I decided to walk up to my ex, who was seated on the Bride and Groom’s main table, and started having a chat and obviously a laugh. This ex still loved me, she smiled and talked about the good times. When suddenly I see her looking towards the Groom (sociopath) and see a frightened and scared face, to which I quickly turned around, looked at the Groom, and what was he doing? Giving her a mean stare that I couldn’t put my finger on. And I looked back at her and glanced quickly back at him and he seemed ok again.

I actually caught him in the act???

Wants me back

(October 2009) I found out that my ex was with someone else during this time, I was a little heart broken, as I loved this girl regardless of the problems. I moved on, my ex-girlfriend was forgotten, I hadn’t heard from the sociopath in nine months. I heard from the grapevine that my ex wanted me back! I couldn’t believe it, I knew she loved me and I loved her. But at this point, I didn’t want any more heartbreak, I didn’t think I could take any more punishment from her, as she always initiated the break ups.

Coincidently the sociopath makes contact; I noticed patterns—every time my ex wants to get back with me, the sociopath always magically made an appearance. I still couldn’t connect the dots, and I still had no idea he was a sociopath, but I was always in observation mode.

I SHOULD MENTION THAT I NEVER SPOKE ABOUT MY EX TO THE SOCIOPATH, NEVER. I knew what he thought he knew, I wasn’t aware that he knew EVERYTHING! Which I later found out.

I was in a bar with my mate and I noticed my ex’s friend, who coincidently happened to work with my mate. It’s a small world. Her friend and I were talking and she stated that my ex wants me back and that she was sorry for all that has happened. I thought to myself I love my ex, but I can’t take any more pain, so I lost it at the friend, and asked her, what is wrong with your friend? (My ex).

All I heard was Blah Blah. I acted upset, but honestly I wasn’t. I knew she loved me, but I put on an act to see who was to blame for my ex’s behaviour, and who would react at me rejecting my ex. I knew the sociopath would find out about it, as I really didn’t want his involvement this time. I actually thought to myself, if he doesn’t think I want her back he might let me and her go.

Oh was I wrong. Why? Because a week after telling her friend off, I emailed my ex, explaining to her that what I did was wrong and that I shouldn’t have taken it out on her friend. I made a silly excuse and stated, “I did it for my brother, as I am extremely protective of him!” I also stated that if she really wants to talk and get back together with me, I would leave the door open.

What possessed me to write such a thing? What has my brother got to do with all this? I have no idea why I wrote it, but it was supposed to happen, as you will later find out. I hadn’t heard from her, she never replied to my email. Something was wrong, I would have heard from her by now. Something was seriously amiss.

(November 2009) I find out my ex is back with the rebound guy, it still didn’t make sense. Didn’t she want me back about four weeks ago?

New Year’s Eve

I was invited to a New Year’s Party by my sociopath friend, organised by him, and it was a “family” event as I was told. I didn’t want to go, but something told me to go, even though he set this drama filled event up. I knew this was his manipulation, and I knew he was up to no good, why did I know? Because I spoke to him on the phone the night before, he never mentioned my ex being back with her ex. A friend would tell you this.

I had the option to not go, but honestly something was telling me to go. I am fearless when it comes to her. I knew she still loved me. Why am I doing this, you ask? Because this was supposed to happen.

I went to his NY party. I arrive, dressed to kill, as I knew he has staged all this (yet I still have no idea he is a sociopath). As I arrive, I see my ex bolt, she literally runs out of the party. I knew she wasn’t expecting me there, I did it to prove how much I loved her or how stupid I was. 🙂 The ex’s boyfriend gets up to shake my hand (the ex’s boyfriend knew I was coming, obviously the sociopath has staged this.) I know who the ex is, he is afraid of me and is as shy as they come. The sociopath grabbed me to get some food, acting as if I have gotten upset at the boyfriend, only to have the sociopath turn around and drag the boyfriend inside to show that I was going to hit him. I thought to myself, this guy is good, even on impulse he has found an excuse to attack me, he was better prepared than I was, even though we both knew he was playing a game.

There were too many people around that would have noticed I did nothing! Which is why I kept strong and ignored all that had just happened. Regardless, the sociopath used his instinctive impulsive nature to try and make me look bad. He wasn’t going to lose. Then again I wasn’t prepared to lose either, we both knew his game, but alas I was still blind as I still didn’t know he was a sociopath until ”¦

At the party he said to me, “So you’re protecting your brother, hey?” My head was spinning at this point, the matrix was unveiled. He knows everything, he must have read my email to my ex, this guy knows it all. Why is he even reading emails sent to my ex?

Unfortunately for the sociopath, I was still at the party and acted like nothing had happened. My ex and her boyfriend went home 20 minutes after my arrival, I stayed til the end talking to all the family.

Probing questions

I told my brother all that had happened, and told my brother not to tell the sociopath anything about me, as they still work in the same building, only this time my brother works in a different department. The sociopath still probes my brother with questions ”¦ which made me even more suspicious. If he wants to know something, why doesn’t he ask? Why ask my brother? I had already prepped my brother, just like a sociopath, which scares me, but as I’ve learnt in order to fight one, act like one.

Hasn’t he had enough? He just took away someone I loved, what more does he want now? I asked my brother, what questions does he ask you? “Who you’re seeing, what are you doing?” By this time, I was predicting the sociopathic movements without even know what one was. I was proud of my brother, I was protecting myself and my brother as I started to think if the sociopath is capable of doing this to me, my brother has got no chance against him!

Funeral

(December 2010) I haven’t seen the sociopath in a year, I fell in love with my now girlfriend, I had new job, bought a new house.  I received a text message from him saying, “My mother has passed away.”

I called him, expressed my condolences. He never really showed any emotion on the phone, as if his mother never existed, as he was talking about life in general, he then asked, “Are you seeing anyone?” I lied: “No, I just broke up with my girlfriend.”

While at his mother’s wake, I gave his wife flowers in respect for his mother’s passing, pretended like nothing happened on the New Year’s Eve party. I was myself, joking around, cool and confident. He was furious at me; I could see that look in his eyes. Although he put on a show like he was a good guy by offering me food and treating me well, like we were best friends.

We went outside, when for the first time the sociopath began abusing me, subtly bringing things up about my ex without mentioning her name, but I knew what he was doing, so I opened fire. I told him of the recent ex I was with, he knew her as well as he never expected me to go out with her, as my ex was jealous of her. I told him “that was always going to happen” knowing full well he destroyed my relationship with my ex, but I wanted to see his face, it was filled with rage. He rebutted back, “was she a good fuck?” implying that I went out with her just for the sex.

After the funeral mass I said goodbye to everyone I knew except for the sociopath and his wife, only to notice my ex staring at me for a good period of time. I never looked at her, I couldn’t even look her in the eyes anymore, after all that had happened.

The sociopath was with his wife talking to my ex and her boyfriend. I start walking over towards them, my ex and the boyfriend split, just like New Years, and I say my goodbye to his wife and as was about to shake the sociopath’s hand, he was about to pull the same stunt he pulled at New Years, only to realise my parents were watching this time. I shake his hand for the very last time ”¦

Moral of the story, be yourself! Point being, never lose sight of who you are.

I feel everybody’s pain. My case may have not been as bad as other people’s, even though I put myself through the grinder, I never stopped fighting! Why? I don’t know! I took a beating, but something in me tells me to keep fighting. I don’t want my ex back, I am happy with my love. I have a good job and I’m honestly happy.

I want to actually go back in to the lion’s den. He wanted to destroy me and failed, as I’m still breathing. Should I be dead? Should I have psychological problems? The chink in their armour is their ego; I want to attack again to expose!  Or hasn’t my own ego taken enough?


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27 Comments on "TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: He took away someone I loved"

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Thanks for posting this Donna, I am the one who experienced this.

I just wanted to add that I believe this was done for Narcisstic Supply (my brother) and Control.

I have always been protective of my brother, as i know him best, and the sociopath already picked up on this. I was semi-popular in school, I dont care what background, what personality you have, I’ve always been to friendly and maybe too trusting, hence why i was being used to some degree, obviously just like a chameleon he wanted to seem normal through my lifestyle.

I think he got a little too paranoid, as I am not the type to be controlled, I dont really take authority lightly, which is why I believe it all came to this.

He married for money, as his wife is pretty well off, and she’s a lovely person, unfortunately I failed at helping her and my ex. I did manage to save my brother. I wish i could have done some things differently, but alas by the time I found out who he really was, it was too late.

Dear Infectedpsy (Roger)

Thanks for posting your story. It is unfortunately probably I think the MOST COMMON TYPE of manipulation done by the people high in psychopathic traits…manipulating just for the sake of control.

Just playing “mind games” to “win” some “points” that they seem to keep score on. Breaking up a marriage 100 points, breaking up a couple 50 points, breaking up a couple twice 300 points!

The more pain the victims experience the more points they get! The more complex the manipulation, the more points they get.

As much as you’d like to “get even” with this man, in order to do so you have to sink to his level, and what do you have to gain? A bit of ego? Points in “the game”? Nah, the best and sweetest revenge is NO CONTACT—-oh, they hate it when there is no contact, because WE ARE IN CONTROL and they can’t even get a hand at the game table. We control the information, we control the deck, we control the play, and THEY CAN’T PLAY.

Roger,
thanks for posting your story. It’s a classic spath story.
If I may, I’d like to analyze some points.

You noted that he kept paying his part of the rent even after he moved out. I think that he did that to leave the door open, in case his fiancee noted something and kicked him to the curb. Spaths don’t usually do things with only one thing to gain, though. I think he also needed to leave the door to your life open. He needed to have access to you because YOU were the target and source of supply from the beginning.

Spaths are empty and envious creatures. They have no identity, that’s why they can easily mirror us and become us. They don’t just do it to con us, they do it naturally because they are a vacuum. When they are in the presence of someone with a rich inner life, they suck the life out of us and they become us. Furthermore, they are attracted to us for that reason. He saw you in high school and wanted to BE you since then. He idolized you but he didn’t let it be known. Your brother was another foot in the door to YOUR life. Sharing an apartment with you was his way of getting close enough to observe you and copy you better. It was with that access that he was able to create a rich enough persona, that he could ensnare the kind of woman that he really wanted: a wealthy one.

When a spath idolizes someone, he wants to BE them. It’s not enough to just wear their skin. The truth is, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE of you. He wants to destroy you so that he can “be you” and you can’t “be you”. This is the root of their envy.

That is why he destroyed your relationshit with your ex. IMO, though, he did you a favor. He uncovered, as only a spath can, how shallow and pathetic she was. She wanted you, but she fell for him. He kept her on a string the entire time, just to mess with your head. You are lucky to be away from that woman, as there are many spaths out there that would use her and bring drama into your life.

You sound like a smart man and I applaud you for being able to see through him without even knowing that he was a spath. I believe that today’s young people have a better sense of the evil that is out there disguised as “normal” than my generation did. I was not prepared for the duplicity which I encountered and you described.

To add to your knowledge of spaths and power over them, I would like to share a secret with you: Spaths have no idea what normal is. They find someone who looks “shiny” and confident and then they copy them. His shallowness is beyond anything you can imagine. Literally, there is nothing under the facade you see EXCEPT ENVY and the desire for more phony symbols of success. This is really too difficult for most people to wrap their brains around – nobody can be that 2-dimensional! But they are.

So what you can do, with a bit of thought and planning, is mess with his facade by modelling a warped one. When he is around you, you can model something (just for him) that is peculiar or disgusting. He will copy and incorporate it into his facade – he can’t help it. Just make sure that when you are modeling it, your face shows satisfaction and smugness. He won’t be able to resist becoming anything that you are WHILE YOU ARE WEARING THAT FACIAL EXPRESSION. It’s all about the facial expressions.

Thanks again for sharing, Roger. It was a fascinating story.

Infectedpsy, i agree with Oxy. By stooping to his level you are playing into his hands. It is very hard not to seek revenge when your life has been turned upside down…….for sport! Believe me I have harbored thoughts of it myself. Imagined it. Tasted it.

But then I pull myself together and each day I’m NC takes me further and further away from that former life which I have chosen to leave behind.
NC is most definitely the big stick with which I BEAT my ex. He hated to be ignored and before I changed my number, I received some very nasty txts…..referring to my black of concern for him. Because I was ignoring him you see. I won’t engage and that is what he must have.

He doesn’t get to make the rules anymore.

Now the boot is on the other foot and I can kick…..a**e just by doing nothing.

Roger, I agree with Sky about the ex girlfriend that kept dumping you and then coming back. You say you “knew she loved” you, but THAT IS NOT LOVE. it MAY be sexual or other attraction but it AIN’T LOVE.

Love is not just a “squishy feeling”–love is an ACTION VERB. Love is how you treat someone. Her attachment or attraction for you was very shallow based, not deep or lasting. She was not someone you could trust or depend on. I’m not saying she was “as bad as” the man who manipulated her and you, but she is not someone you could count on to BE THERE for you and to TREAT YOU WITH LOVE. She was as wishy washy as a flag and the wind (the psychopath) determined which direction she waved.

I’m glad you figured out what was going on and how they manipulate others with their back stabbing, lies, half truths, etc. They control information for one thing, and so NO CONTACT stops them from having information about you. You cut off ANYONE who will talk to them about you, even “innocently” and you don’t allow anyone else to come to you and tell you what they said about you. You just cut this person out of your life like a wart on your nose. They are just GONE!!!!

We have to learn healthy boundaries with these people and the ONLY healthy boundary with a manipulator like this is NO CONTACT.

I’m like strong woman, I TASTED REVENGE and our brains are programmed by nature to WANT revenge. Research has shown that when we even CONTEMPLATE revenge we get a boost of the “feel good chemicals” the brain manufactures. Yea, really! But, the down side is that in order to get revenge we must have contact, and the psychopaths really don’t care much if they win or lose, they just get a KICK OUT OF THE GAME…so NO contact, playing by OUR rules they are kicked in the teeth! Their thoughts “what the heck, what do you mean you don’t want any contact with me? I control the game” They become enraged and try every trick in the book to get you sucked back into playing the game. But by maintaining NC YOU WIN big time, because they cannot control THAT!

Skylar,

“When a spath idolizes someone, he wants to BE them. It’s not enough to just wear their skin. The truth is, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE of you. He wants to destroy you so that he can “be you” and you can’t “be you”. This is the root of their envy.”

I realized this, which is why I still acted myself infront of everybody, as I knew that if I acted differently, people would know something is wrong, hence why I had to put my own facade during the war, I wanted he’s mask to slip, which is why I tried to show little to no emotion during all this, as much as I wanted to lash out, I had to keep my composure, as I knew he was doing this to get a reaction, I gave him the reaction he didn’t want instead.

Unfortunately stooping to his level is what I was doing, although this was fustrating him to no end, everytime we had an encounter,he would have is rages. I never enjoyed doing it because I wasn’t being myself, It was more a defense mechanism, I lied, I manipulated, i tried to throw him off, I was mirroring him, I was switching persona’s when needed. I must admit it was hard, but I couldn’t let him have it all.

I wanted to kick this person to the curb when he’s masked slipped, but he had a hold of me, my ex was in contact, and my brother was still working with him. I’ve been in no contact with him so far, the ex is gone, and my brother no longer works with him, so it was easy letting him go, as he has no control.

Ox,

Your right, I think it was lust, it wasn’t Love. I know this know as my current Girlfriend is a testament to that, she knows my story and she’s been supportive of the fact that I battled with a Sociopath, as its not something I like talking about to people who have no idea what they are and that they exist.

Do I want revenge? Yes and No. I say this because, I believe he doesn’t know that I know what he is, which is why I think maybe I could possibly pull something off, maybe it’s wishful thinking. I have been researching Sociopaths for a while now thanks to this blog, and other reputable sites.
I see myself has having the advantage now through knowledge and experience, and the fact that he has no control over anyone in my circle. I have very strong support group, my family and friends know who he is and how he operates, which is why he hasn’t made any form of contact, yet.

He’s wife is oblivious to all this, he’s been selective in regards to who has smeared against me. Which is why i did something cheeky, by anonymously sending his wife some nice books to read, in hope that she reads them.

I wish I had the knowledge I have now back then, things might have played out a lot differently.

Appreciate your comments, as I like to see all perspectives, as I am still very much an amateur to all this, and I acknowledge your wisdom and intelligence, and criticism when needed. 🙂

Have a happy and wonderful new year. Enjoy. 🙂

Infectedpsy: You catch on quickly.
I appreciated everything you had to say.
I recognize it although I wish I didn’t.

Mental illness is a very sad thing for anyone who cares for the person with mental illness. When that person has a mental illness to the point and extent that it makes them dangerous, it is up to us to protect and defend ourselves against this person even though our hearts may be trying to tell us something totally different.

THIS New Years Eve is a milestone for me. Seriously. Not only does 1JAN mark 8 months no contact, on my behalf, although there has been lots coming from the other direction, even though “IT” has been told to cease. Many and several times. Not only does New Years Eve mark this milestone, it also brings to culmination a promise I made to myself LAST New Years Eve that I would never spend another one like I did that one. I have gotten very close to almost totally obliterating this from my life. I know I will always have ‘scars’ but at least I have my LIFE.

I know what you mean about ‘mirroring’ him…switching persona’s when you needed to. I understand that you couldn’t let him have it ALL…I am glad you kept part for yourself. 🙂

I wish you renewed happiness and joy in your life, Infectedpsy, you sound like a very intelligent, caring, insightful person and I am sorry this has happened to your life. We will be okay…just remember your worth and your value. Stand true to that and to yourself and you will be just fine. I can tell by the way I read you…Happy New Year Infectedpsy….

Dupey

Infectedspy, you hit the nail on the head with your comment about them wanting to be us. A few decades ago, long before I recognized that my ex was a P I asked him why his mother hated me so much – there was no valid reason that I could see. His reply was “because she wants to be YOU”. This was straight from the mouth of a spath.

New

Oh yes, New Beginning: It took me a long time (years) to realize that “IT” wanted to be me. If it could have climbed into my skin, it would have and came close to taking it and my life. My kindness and my conscious was used as weakness and I was almost devoured in the process.

Yes, they are very jealous of us and our strengths and the way we ‘give’ and ‘care’…those are foreign to them. They want to be us. In order to be us, they have to get rid of us. They all hate their mothers. In fact, they all hate women and only see them as an appliance, something to use to make their life more comfortable. When the appliance serves no other use, they toss it away and get another. No conscious, no remorse, no regret.

You think they are always ‘coming back’ for “YOU”…when in essence, they are coming back over and over again to see if they have broken us down for the final meal…their final meal…OF US…I broke the cycle 8 months ago and although it has been difficult, it is finished.

Remember your strengths and your values, everyone…
Stand up for the person you are. Any attention you give them is great and satisfying for them..good or bad…don’t say anything you don’t mean and mean what you say or don’t say it. The best advice I can give you, from my experience with an unstable, stalking, psychopath, is to go NC and STICK WITH IT. If they don’t leave you alone, get legal assistance. STALKING IS A CRIME. ESPECIALLY WHEN VIOLENCE and/or THREATS of VIOLENCE ARE INVOLVED.

If you need assistance, contact your local police department or victim support unit through your local prosecutors office. There IS assistance and help available.

If you are having trouble functioning or are in an abusive relationship, :::SEEK ASSISTANCE::: :::SEEK COUNSELING:::
Make this New Year the start of something really great for you. YOU DESERVE IT.

Happy New Year New Beginning…

Dupey

I have been watching movies about SPATHS
The latest is called “THERE WILL BE BLOOD”, it’s from 2007
it’s great
and the spath in that movie is so authentic
it’s all about his envy.

Dear Duped, Dupey!

You get me every time. Eloquent, succinct, straight talking.
I’m working hard to remember what you said to me. What you have reiterated to all of us here in your post above.

“Remember your strengths and your values”
Gold Dupey.

I don’t know if you have “told” your story here but I would love to hear
it. If that is not too impertinent a request or too personal.
Im going to raise a glass tomorrow night especially for you.

Roger, your story and how you learned to outsmart the spath at his own game and stand up to him reminded me so much of the story of the “petty tyrant” in the Carlos Castaneda book “Ring of Fire” (I think that was the name). One of Castaneda’s mentors was under the control of an evil psychopathic man and couldn’t get away, so he studied and studied the man and finally figured out a way to beat the psychopath at his own game. In doing so, he grew in personal power. The message of this book was that if you don’t have a petty tyrant in your life, go out and find one, because it can be a great source of empowerment and transformation to break free of the spell and stand up to one. Not that everyone should go out and look for a sociopath to be involved with….but I agree with the point that learning to overcome this experience builds personal power. What we can transform makes us stronger. The more hopeless and horrible the experience, the stronger we can become.

I also had an insight reading some of the posts – about my ex, the spath, that he really did want to be me, also. He at least felt that if he basked in my popularity, it would make him popular too, because his outgoingness was very superficial. He was syrupy sweet to people on the site where I met him, but he seemed to lack real substance and whatever it was that made people laugh and be drawn to him. So he tried to soak up those qualities from me by being close to me. He was able to fool some of the people there but was never able to develop close friendships as I have. For obvious reasons.

Thanks for sharing your story Roger and thanks Ox Drover for the hugs!! I recall a time when I asked my SP why he wanted to be with me if he was always on Craigslist looking to exhange pics and chat, always looking at porn and what have you. His answer: “Because you are everything that I am not.” -Truer words have never been spoken!

Oh yes: “…because you are everything I am not….”
Standard line. I think in their own way, part of the amusement of their infliction upon us is to use our own vanity against us to harm us…if you will think back: NOTHING was EVER their fault…it was always YOURS and in your mind, you reasoned: ‘well, I AM here and accepting this…’ THAT is their amusement.

They want to be everything we are, that they are not and resent it that we are. In my case, I was never married to it; not involved in a ‘committed’ relationship although a ten year long relationship. For ten years, I was fed everything I wanted to believe and hear. I was so crazy in love, always thinking the best, I almost allowed the devil to devour me. If I had ‘deserved’ this because of my actions and/or intentions, I could at least rationalize to myself that I indeed ‘deserved’ the treatment I had received. But I did not and never have. I am sure just like most of you and that is the impact this has hit us with.

It is very complex and difficult to wrap your mind around the fact that someone you loved and said they loved you was actually close enough to do you immense harm. But if you truly look at them, deep, down, underneath, there is that small, scared child, who was abandoned by it’s mother and will harm anyone else that may ever care for it out of spite. They don’t care nor realize they are only in the long run harming themselves because they have been set on destruction from the beginning. But one thing they hate worse than death: confinement and being ignored. It throws them off their balance and makes their conscious speak to them which they choose to ignore as being their conscious and use it to grow and foster further hate and manipulations on their quest for ‘hating the world’.

Yes, I do understand ‘them’. However, my understanding of ‘them’ does not mean I find it acceptable behavior nor that I am going to settle for this kind of lifestyle. My affections simply cannot and will not over ride my good common sense in this situation any further. It just isn’t worth it.

I don’t want to be the next set of bones that are found in the desert nor the severed head in my ex’s freezer. I am not afraid of “IT” but that doesn’t mean I will ever leave myself vulnerable to “IT” ever again. Chilling, cold blooded things…things un human and inhumane kinds of things.

I survived though and I thank you for raising a glass with me New Years Eve strongawoman. I shall raise a toast to you as well with endless best of wishes, thoughts and prayers.

*HUGS* strongawoman..
with Blessings that have no end…HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012: MAY THE ANGELS BLESS YOUR PATHWAYS…

DUPED NO MORE!

I wish you best in the new year, and I hope you stick to your promises, you’ve gone this far now, so nothing can stop you now from being happy. I’m actually glad you can read me, as I can throw people off just like a spath 🙂 Im honest to those that count, I don’t hide anything, which is why I posted my story, we are scarred yes, but that will heal. 🙂 its funny I felt the majority of the pain 6 months after the ordeal. it was like my batteries ran out at the wrong or right time. I am charged to about 90% now, and in writing my story I feel I will be on full charge very soon.

I have always been curious that If i broke down in front of him, what would he do? Would he really finish me off, or would he get bored. Sadly seeing him in fits of rage brought a smile to my face, it told me you haven’t won, which in essence, i turned the screws when needed, if there losing it means you’ve done something right!

New Beginning

Notice he “wants” to be like us, unfortunately for him he can’t. I have been a joker since I was in primary school, I cant change my character, and I wont, it what makes me, me. No spath can take this away, I meet people occasionally that I haven’t seen for years, “you steal look the same, and you haven’t changed”. Good I say, I know Im me.

I still have my friends, some of whom I have known since primary school, no spath can do this. As they say “the more you change the more you stay the same”. 😉

Stargazer

Its funny I never considered myself his supply, or maybe Im in denial. I always had friends around, it’s not as if we were together 24/7, i went out with my other friends too, if anything more than I would with him.

Its sad that I had to resort to analysing my friends, why should I? If there good to me, and Im good to them, no problem! Wrong, when I started hearing the backstabs, then my observations kicked in, and hard. Naturally I wouldn’t, but the snake took a bite.

I asked him why he told my ex these things? he’s reply “She’s crazy, and save your analyzing for work!” Ahhh no! She maybe crazy, but if i saved my analyzing for work, you wouldn’t be a sociopath! 🙂

I will pick up that book, thanks.

Adelle2011

Funny these Spaths are always on these online dating sites, he told me why I don’t go online, because unlike you I buy my food at the supermarket. jk 😉 He met his previous ex online, funnily enough I am still friends with her, he knows this because he wanted me to return her dvd player that he’s been holding on to as ornanment ;). Seriously, do I look like fedex to you? This was just another give away, your married and your still holding on to a dvd player from your ex, who wants nothing to do with you. Another WTF moment!

Stargazer, I read those Carlos Castaneda books 35 years ago, I think I read all the ones that were out there then. My boss at the time got me reading them….gosh, I hadn’t thought of them in decades! LOL I don’t remember much about them now, but at the time I read them I found them interesting! I’m a read-a-holic and have been on various different “themes” of reading from pure pulp fiction to true crime to various interests through the years, the last 20 or so has been history or medical type, biology or psychology, etc. I guess I just like to learn and explore. One life time isn’t enough time to learn all I want to learn or explore all I want to explore.

Kudos to you Roger for sending his wife the “psych books”.
I found your story interesting. My ex-spath husband deserted me to marry a very wealthy woman likewise. From my experience with sociopaths they are always attracted to wealthy people and will do whatever it takes to ensnare them.
My ex actually met the rich girl before me & used me in a fake marriage scam so he could collect his prize. Her and her wealth. He lasted longer with her than me but in the end the mask slipped and they divorced too.
I too was young & naive and didn’t know the personality profile of a sociopath but if I only knew then what I know now. Don’t worry about getting revenge his marriage to the rich girl will come crashing down and if you maintain contact with a few friends you’ll hear that they split further down the road.
I too directed a friend to LF. A young girl I met at a store I frequent was all excited about her upcoming marriage. This was last year. Exactly one year later she was getting divorced. She told me a “horror story”.
I took her aside and asked her if she googled “sociopath” and she told me she did and has even read up on it and brought books. I invited her to join us here on LF. I told her many of us here are in the same boat & we can tell our stories anonymously and educate each other as well as others who read this site.
Any how best wishes to you in your new relationship. Don’t worry about him. The karma bus will catch up with him & being Pagan I believe what ever you put out into the universe comes back to you threefold.
If you do good, goodness will come back to you threefold. If you do evil, well you guessed it, your goose is cooked.

Joanie123

I had too, it was on my conscious, at least now, there aren’t any excuses I tried, my ex has all the clues, she hasn’t put the pieces together yet, in time she will, and that’s fact. I did all I could, she was warned, she didn’t listen, and I dont harbour any ill feelings about that, we need to learn the hard way.

I was warned at the wedding, in a subtle way, but i caught up with my old school friend and his wife, and they confirmed his a sociopath. My friends wife knew what he was, because her brother is one. I thanked them, as it was the final nail, that confirmed my suspicions.

The irony of it all, was he made sure he put me in the last table of his wedding, only it exposed him more. Karma? or pure supidity. I have my contacts and I’m thankful for it, it was never planned, its who I am, and was meant to be.

Why was it meant to be? My love, coincidentally( I dont believe in coincidences) happens to be friends with his ex, oh how easy it was to prove what a sociopath is, meeting me could possibly have been his gain, but at the same time his downfall! We have 4 million people in Melbourne, its small, and he’s rare, but what goes around comes around!

The reason that they want to be us is because they lead meaningless lives. They are incapable of finding meaning in their existance because they can’t bond with anyone. That makes their existance a large meaningless void that needs to be filled.

They see in our faces that we have meaning in our lives. But they can’t figure out how we got that and why they don’t have it. So they try to become us by usurping all the “symbols” of what make us unique. They will borrow our preferences, our mannerisms, and even try to wear our values by pretending to value what we value – that’s why they chase money, it’s the only value that they can almost understand.

Athena, I saw “There will be blood” with the spath. If I recall it’s based on a true story. It’s a very good portrayal of how empty a spath’s soul is. He chased money and murdered for it but he couldn’t ever enjoy it.

Star and Oxy,
I read one of the Castenada books, when I was very young. My spath brother loves those books and believes every word in them. Do you all think Castenada might have been a spath?

It seems to me he was a liar and manipulator.

InfectedPsy
I read your posts. The movie for you is “The Talented Mr Ripley”. It does have strong homo erotica tones and your “friend” strikes me as longing for you so much, SO envious, his comments sound like a jealous woman. If someone else has already recommended Mr Ripley, I second and third and the movie.

Castenada was big when I was in high school. His books got more bizarre and unreadable as time went on. He’d clearly lost it. Too many peyote buttons.

Skylar
What did you do for your self to celebrate your birth day.

Katy,
BF took me to a nice restaurant for dinner. I called ahead and asked if they could serve gluten free and they said “no problem”. When I walked in I asked again and they said, “yes, we made a note of it on your reservation.”
When we were seated, I asked the waitress, she said, “I’ll let the chef know.” When another server came with the soup, I felt confident and drank half of it. When the server came back, I asked him if he was aware that I needed gluten free food. He said, ‘No problem. But the soup has gluten in it.”

I couldn’t believe it. I got glutened on my birthday! 🙁

Your story reminded me of something I discovered my ex-spath had been doing very early on in the relationship.

I had paid his tickets to be in Belgium with me for 3 months. And we spent 2 weekends in those 3 months visiting his Belgian ex-gf who dropped him for another imo spath after neglecting her in an outrageus manner.

The first time we stayed at her house, we arrived in my car where the whole right side was damaged by an accident, caused by my mother. She and I share the car once in a while, because it used to be a car of my parents. It’s still theirs, though I may the insurances, taxes and gass of course for the major use of it. Anyway, my mom had the accident after picking it up from the garage for a check-up. It was dark, and she had not correctly calculated the depth of a parked truck in that street, and drove too close. After that accident, she finally agreed to get an eye test and was diagnozed with glaucoma.

Anyway, of course the couple asked me WTF happened with the car and I told them the truth.

On the second stay-over, about a month later, his ex-gf, told me at a private moment that the spath had told her husband that I had been lying and that I had been driving badly and that I had caused the car accident.

I just could NOT understand why he would lie about me when he knew the truth (the accident happened when he was already here… he was there when my mom confessed it to me).

Knowing what he is of course I’m not even surprised about it anymore. He lied and made me look bad because he wanted to start smear-campaigning me behind my back, so that just in case when I would turn to them for support they would assume I’d be lying and blaming him, like I “blamed my mother” for the car.

darwinsmom,

The smear campaign I believe begins, when their paranoia kicks in and they think you are on to them, even though you may not have any clues as to what they really are. And in the opposite direction (the support group) they put on the “pity play”. As I’ve observed I’ve been on both sides of the fence with this particular spath.

Having said that, being on the other side, I never experienced the spath smearing anyone else (apart from calling my ex crazy, only once though), but before that nothing, apart from realising they are lies, but I wouldn’t put it down to pure smear.

Which leads me to believe, they are careful at what they say to others, and that they seem to stick to the same lie. When they lie about you\us, its best to keep civilized about it, acting out on their lie makes it look like they are honest. Trully sad isn’t it?

I was smeared for 4 years, I can guarantee that if I acted out of line, the first time, it would have been over within a few months. Once again, its as if you have to react in the opposite direction, because if you think about it, they are the opposite of us. Once again its sad!

infectedpsy,

I believe that the smear campaign begins from day one. It’s part of the predator’s behavior. They do it to separate the prey from the protection of the herd.

I still can’t figure out what my spath said to all my neighbors to get them to hate me enough to want to see me dead. They all knew about his desire to make me commit suicide and they were gleeful about it.

Before I met his mother, I already didn’t like her. He never said anything bad about her, he acted like a loving, devoted son. But somehow I got the impression that everything that ever went wrong in his life was his mother’s fault. He told me he ran away when he was 12 because he felt he was old enough to take care of himself. Later he said, he ran away because his mother put him in Juvy because he was constantly truant from school.

He described how his family broke up. While his father was away working on the Alaskan Oil Pipeline in order to support the family of 8, his mother began going to dances and fell in love with someone else. They divorced and spath couldn’t stand living there anymore without his father, so he ran away.

Though he never said these things in an angry tone, he made sure to plant seeds of disgust toward his mom, so by the time I met her I didn’t like her. I thought she was a selfish bitch. She wasn’t really.

The truth was that his father was a spath who cheated with myriads of women and enjoyed seeing his wife’s misery.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that they can be very devious in how they pit us against one another. They will find a partial truth and twist it without seeming to be saying anything. If you think back to all the people you came to dislike during the time with the spath, you might find that the spath had a hand in creating your perspective.

I’m not saying that all these people are actually good people, but that spaths will use whatever opportunity they can find to isolate you from everyone.

skylar,

I didn’t lose any “friends” during the time I knew him, infact he was hanging around me and my friends, the friends he had were the ones that mysteriously disappeared which were mostly males at the beginning. I never despised them though. Maybe our situations were different. He literally had no friends, looking back he was an A grade loser.

I noticed his patterns though, he’s smear campaigns were always women he went out with or wanted, never the men, and he kept them away from me as much as possible, probably as they would see through his lies, as his ex did. I don’t know, looking back our peronalities were very different. He couldn’t hold a woman for very long.

I still talk to his ex once and a while, and yes he just told her a bunch of lies that she didn’t believe. He told her that I was doing drugs, she didn’t care whether I did or didn’t.

It wasn’t until he hooked his current wife that I started experiencing problems with my ex. His love bombing and BS was done away from me, never in front of me.

At the beginning he mad her cry so many times in front of me, until I told him off, he really was anti-social, was he testing them to see how much they would put up with? Or was he really that bad with women?

He smeared me against my ex from the beginning, but that was a few years before she ended up hating me, and that’s because he was saying that I cheat and I still see my ex. His lies always came back to me though, but I never reacted to them, I still acted the same, intentionally or untentionally.

He used me to meet women, and would in turn use them against me. Thats how my spath was.

Towards the end he said to me “they love you for your personality” I think he was being honest here.

I don’t know how the other spaths are, but they definately are selective at what they do. They find your strengths and try to bring it down.

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