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Holidays after the sociopath

Lovefraud recently received the following email:

It’s almost a year since I last saw my x-sociopath as a boyfriend, the real last time was in May in a court and some after.

It is hard this time of year with the Holidays around, and I have a lot of health issues and so not hearing his voice, or getting calls, has been hard—even though I know now he is liar. This time last year I did not know how much I had been scammed up til then.

Still, with all the reading I have done, and all the thinking and grieving, I just can’t understand how this person could have fooled me, or that he knew that he was doing so much wrong to me, while sometimes still saying I love you back to me after I said it.

I just loved him so much, and miss the person I thought he was so much too. I just can’t seem to understand, because I am not a sociopath, and it is still very painful.

Regardless of how we celebrate the holidays, they are a time of year during which all of our personal relationships are magnified. We have expectations about what will happen when we see the people who are important in our lives, which may or may not prove to be accurate expectations. And if we have gaping holes in our lives where healthy relationships are supposed to be, we feel the emptiness more acutely than at other times of the year.

Sociopaths and the holidays

I don’t know what sociopaths actually feel regarding the holidays, but they seem to recognize this time of year as an extraordinary opportunity for manipulation. The type of manipulation depends on where they are in the relationship lifecycle with a particular target.

If sociopaths are in the love bombing stage, they may employ the “grand gesture,” to seduce the target with over-the-top gifts and celebration.

If they’re in the maintenance stage, where the target is hooked but not yet totally drained, the sociopaths do what they have to do to keep the con going. My ex-husband, for example, always bought me at least one decent Christmas gift. He also was around for Thanksgiving and Christmas, although he was away immediately before Thanksgiving and over New Year’s. I later learned that while he told me he was handling military matters, or attending to the estate of his deceased wife on these trips, he was actually seeing other women.

If they’re in the devalue-and-discard stage, sociopaths may actively work to make the holidays miserable. Some Lovefraud readers have told me about rampages of emotional abuse, such as sociopaths saying, “Why don’t you just kill yourself—that would be a real Christmas gift for the rest of us.”

And then, if the sociopaths need a new source of supply, they may use the holidays as an excuse to reconnect with former targets, just to see if they can bleed them again.

Afterwards, coping with the loss

The Lovefraud reader who wrote the letter printed above was feeling the emptiness of not having a relationship, even though she now knows that the sociopath was lying to her. Here are my suggestions for this reader, and anyone else who is feeling home alone after getting rid of a sociopath.

First of all, remember that anything good about the relationship was an illusion. If early on, you had a magical Christmas with the individual, realize that it was all an act. The sociopath did not give you a fabulous gift, or take you on a wonderful getaway, because he or she was in love with you. The sociopath was after a prize, and was seducing you to win it.

Secondly, realize that you may never “understand” why the sociopath did what he did. The reason, as you say, is that you are not a sociopath. But you must accept what he did. Accept that sociopaths do what they do because that’s who they are; that’s what they are. They take from us because they can. They hurt us because they want to. There is no other explanation.

Finally, no matter how badly you suffered because of the sociopath, there is a gift in the situation, and that is the gift of wisdom. Now, because of your experience, you know the sociopaths are out there. You know how they behave. You know that you have vulnerabilities.

I suggest you take what you have learned, about them and you, and set a goal for the New Year—a goal of achieving real peace within you. This may require letting go of people, possessions or ideas that you never wanted to release. It also may require believing in yourself, in your inherent value and goodness—perhaps for the first time.

Yes, it may feel like a tall order, but now, as one year ends and another is about to begin, is a terrific time to take the first steps.


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140 Comments on "Holidays after the sociopath"

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Great points, Donna.

The holidays are emotionally charged for many of us.

Expectations versus reality. Wanting one thing and not being able to have it. “Everyone else” seeming to have what we would love to have and not having. The pictures on the advertisements of happy families around the tree and mom opening up the diamond necklace from the handsome man, the well behaved kids sitting around the table…they all show us this “ideal” holiday that “everyone else” is having, while we sit home alone, or without the comforts we feel we deserve and everyone else seems to have.

I think the media sales attempts to sell us this idealized view of the holidays raises our expectations and makes us feel more downcast and alone during these traditional holidays.

You’re right, we may never really truly understand just why the psychopaths do what they do, or how they feel, or why we were targeted by one or more of them…but understanding the scientific biological healing process when you cut your finger isn’t necessary for it to heal–all you really have to do is to be good to yourself, keep the wound covered and clean, and it will heal, and so will our souls heal even without us understanding exactly how it happens or why the psychopaths are what they are.

Good posts Donna and Oxy. I agree, everything is magnified during the holidays and can relate to sitting home alone trying to figure out what happened.

My ex chose Sunday to drop off some of my things he had been holding hostage after abruptly abandoning me (and subsequently having the locks changed on the home we shared) on Christmas Day 2009. He also left a wrapped gift for me – a lotus flower candle holder (as a “peace” offering), however it happens that it is his current girlfriend who is into lotus flowers. He said (via text msg) that he thought he was doing a “good thing”. Yeah, good for him so he can still make me feel discarded…..again.

Dear New Beginnings,

He can’t MAKE you feel discarded…you can choose to NOT ALLOW THAT. Of course that is WHAT he was trying to do! What a jerk!

That’s why he held them hostage, just to use to pull your chain ONE MORE TIME. I’m not sure why they hold on to things and pull them out from time to time to give us another “poke in the eye” but it seems that is a common factor in how psychopaths behave.

You are two years “out” of this relationship. I suggest that you go NO CONTACT…block his e mail access. voice mail access, etc. and do not reply to anything that does get through.

Make 2012 a TRUE NEW BEGINNING!!! PSYCHOPATH FREE!!!!! (((hugs))) and blessings!

That’s it right there Oxy, I have to stop letting him see me react because it just promotes the behavior. Yes, definitely looking forward to a better year in 2012! 🙂

I was in business with my ex so our regular contact dragged on until the 2010 taxes were done. Lesson learned – don’t go into business with a significant other. It works for some but the divorce rate is fairly high. Probably due to one of them being a spath and having difficulty managing their secret life. It’s what happened with mine. Moving on!

Happy 2012!

New

Dear Donna,

I liked your post…it resonated with me so much…..because you said recognise your value. A very strong message to send.

Duped no more told me a few days ago to remember my value. Whoo …it hit me. It touched me.

Donna, bless you. What a wonderful resource you have bestowed. It sounds somewhat gushing ….it has set me free. It truly has. NC ….10 weeks and counting. Even though it’s tried to contact me I have ignored. Thanks to you and this site.

Hugs everyone

Same old song…slightly altered lyrics:

Again, like “normal”, my step daughter had Christmas at her house. She hates me…honestly don’t know why, but that’s her issue, not mine. Since I rarely see or speak with her, I assume that her feelings must be based on lies that her father has told her about me… he’s a divide and conquer sort of pathetic bastard. (Sure wish I had figured that out prior to marriage…arrgh!)

Anyway, with each holiday that involves her he withholds information from me. By this I mean that he refuses to tell me dates and times when I ask, so that I can make other plans.

This year he told me 10 minutes prior to leaving to go to her house on Christmas Eve…he said I was welcome to go with him, if I wanted. Of course, I declined. (I thought poking myself in the eye with a sharp stick might be just as much fun.)

I haven’t spoken to him since he returned late Christmas Eve night. It is not because I am giving him the silent treatment. I refuse to speak to him because I know that he will somehow turn my pain against me!

Framing my sentences in the most diplomatic way possible does not work. No matter how hard I try to phrase my words, he will respond with insults and outrage. So I’ve learned to simply swallow hard and ignore him.

I can not complain to anyone, because he’s such a “nice” guy, that I truly must be nuts (like he indicates).

He has cameras around the house, set up my email account with a password that only he knows (to monitor what I am doing) and he has us on a home network so that he can see sites that I browse. The phones are in his name…so I guess he can legally spy on me. Also, he periodically goes through me stuff (when I leave to go to a class or go shopping) and confiscates everything of mine that he wants. I think I’ve figured out that by throwing my stuff away, he can purchase a replacement…so I won’t have anything to take with me if I get brave enough to leave.

I joined 80 yahoo groups to spam myself with emails!

The list goes on…oh, funny thing, he knows what I say over the telephone. He told me that he knows I’ve been looking for cameras throughout the house…(I’ve also been searching spy sights to see what to look for.)

I am sick and tired of his controlling, nasty behavior. So, rather than continue spamming myself, I’d really like to know what juicy emails and helpful sites I can get into to show him that I am no longer suffering in silence.

I am sooo tired of being bullied.
I am living in Slag Hell!

Dear Strongawoman,

Congratulations on your 10 weeks of no [email protected]@@@!!!! TOWANDA!!!! Each day will make you stronger!

Dear IMconfused,

You don’t sound so confused to me…you sound like you are living in a WAR ZONE and you know it….not a good way to live.

I suggest though that if you do plan to leave that you get a postal box, for your mail, make copies of everything that you need in the way of information, copies of insurance, titles to vehicles, your home mortgage, etc. and plan your escape.

Take your computer to a computer shop while he is at work and get it cleaned, it probably has a key logger. Get a cell phone account in your name and use the PO box for the bill, pay with money orders.

You can escape…you don’t have to live like that. God bless.

Ox Drover,

He is a computer systems specialist. He is the administrator of our home network, so I cannot escape him.
All of our money is in his name…I recently figured that out.
So, there probably is no value in making copies of things…besides he has cameras everywhere and would see me taking stuff to copy.

He has gone through my things and confiscated any “evidence” while I was visiting my son…on a trip that he “gifted” to me…while he removed my stuff.

He controls my actions…but boy would he be surprised to find out that he doesn’t control my thoughts…at least not for the past few years!

Dear confused,

There are ways around his control, contact an attorney…most states do not allow one spouse to completely control everything, so talk to an attorney ASAP!

You CAN ESCAPE him! Just don’t let him know.

“…And then, if the sociopaths need a new source of supply, they may use the holidays as an excuse to reconnect with former targets, just to see if they can bleed them again.”

DONNA: Have we been reading the same book again? 🙂
Oh yes…let me attest to that fact!

Trying to make the Holidays miserable….’reconnect’; yep…
Only one thing MY EX didn’t figure on: silence…

It was a year ago this New Years Eve that I made a promise to myself and that promise was that I was not going to spend another New Years Eve like the one I spent last New Years Eve with all of this madness in my life.

THIS New Years Eve, the promise I made to myself will be made manifest. There is no coming back from that, My Friends…

It has been a very long five year haul with this insanity in my life and with lots of hard work and self awareness, I think that just maybe I will actually be able to appreciate THIS NEW YEARS EVE for MYSELF.

Love and Holiday wishes and blessings to you all…
Thank you Donna for saying what you have. It is an immense support and validation. xxoo

Ox Drover,

Thanks for your concern. It is not easy to contact anyone when every movement is recorded. It requires making a plan, scheduling enough get away time and being able to follow through without getting caught.

A TV character said something that seemed appropriate for my silence.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. (Yeah, it’s an old saying, but it really seems to apply when dealing with a sociopath.)

After 100’s of attempts, I’ve stopped believing that it might be possible to express my feelings and actually be heard…maybe even receive some empathy from my husband…not going to happen with him.

I’ve finally learned that expressing my thoughts to my bully yields his vicious response… like I am his worst enemy, not his life partner. One more attempt to talk to him would really be insane on my part.

I’m starting to use my brain…feels good to recognize reality…then apply the serenity prayer (many times, if necessary).

Oxy,

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. It has realised I’ve changed my number and has emailed me ……utter drivel. Pathetic attempt to reconnect and start the whole roller coaster of Hell again! He’s also text via a mutual friend so Ive asked her not to forward them. He is sly and conniving. Going for the “pity me” stance with our mutual friend. How vile that he is using her to try to infiltrate. He once described her as ” too thick to realise she was being used”

Anyway, thanks again. Thanks for listening. ((Ox))

This holiday season was good because I am doing no contact with my ex spath, even though he has tried to call. Caller id is one of the greatest inventions ever. I lost my dad in November, who was a horrible man who was also a spath and who had abused my mom her entire life, up to the point she was placed into a home for altzheimers. For the first time in my life, I can go visit my mom without him trying to control the visit and her life. I’m sorry she didn’t “escape” the way I finally did. I heard from my ex after my dad died and he wanted to go to the funeral. I told him I did not want him there, that there is a stay away order and that he was not supposed to be where I was. He really only wanted to opportunity to hit my family up for cigarettes and our daughters up for money. It is so much better not to have to deal with these people during the holiday season. It was peaceful with my daughters and grandchildren and I only visited family members who I wanted to visit. My ex got ahold of me right before Thanksgiving whining about not seeing his children for Thanksgiving. I told him it is not my responsibility to help him maintain a relationship with his children and that, in the 4 years since I left him, he has spent all his money on drugs and has not gotten one present for our grandchildren. Even a card and a candy bar is better than nothing. Nope, he simply shows up to see what he can scam people out of. I am finally in a place in my life where I don’t feel sorry for these people. There is life after the spath, even though I am ungoing counseling for the PSTD I suffer from being brought up by one of these people as well as being married to one for 33 years. I have my own home that my ex has never lived in and everything I own I got on my own.

ImConfused.

Just remember one thing when you think about expressing your feelings in the hope he will care or even understand …. they dont care, they have a different agenda to you. The best policy is damage limitation and evidence collection (if poss) but most importantly personal safety and if that means time to go now then do it.

IMConfused:

I want to offer support and encouragement. I got away from my abusive ex about 12 years ago. What you are going through is just part of your awakening process. One thing that can be difficult is when you are actively wanting to get out, but not sure how, and others do not understand how difficult it is — what the barriers are. Safety is paramount. No one is living your life but you, but there will be judgment. I don’t know if this helps, but please know that others have followed this path before and succeeded. It is not easy, and hang in there and listen to your gut. If you feel unsafe, listen to that voice! It sounds from what you describe that you have some very real reasons to be cautious. You do not say if he is physically abusive to you (or to anyone, even one time! Show that he is capable…). So I do not know the physical danger you might be in, but you must take it very seriously. I am praying for you.

Here are some things that I did, and please know that I am not PROUD of these sneaky things, but I think, looking back, that I needed to do them for my own Self-preservation and my own safety. Once you are out and have some distance, you will look back in amazement that you found yourself in that situation. You will forgive yourself for getting into it, for not recognizing it, for not knowing how to quickly extricate yourself. But you will do all of these things if you want to. It will take however long it takes. Each person’s path is different. You are NOT alone. There are people who understand what you are going through.

One thing I did: I got a PO Box. I paid cash for it and it was anonymous. This is so I had an address for my secret bank account. I had a secret bank account because he controlled all of the money. He was a stickler for neatness, and he wanted a housekeeper, so I “pretended” to be the housekeeper and I cleaned the house each week and paid myself from HIS account. That way, I saved some small amount of money which I ended up not needing, but it helped me feel safe. I do not know if you have a job or not, but if you can find ways to earn some money, sneaky ways or not, you can put some money in this account. I am not saying I am proud of it — and no, it was not a lot of money. Nothing compared to the money he had.

Be careful if you have a cellphone with a GPS — sounds like he really spies on you. Maybe you can get another cellphone that is yours, that he doesn’t know about. A pre-paid one.

Definitely go to a lawyer. If you don’t think you have the money for this, see if you can get some money from someone — get a Very Good Lawyer. It makes a difference. Take a trusted friend or your son with you, if you can, to help in case you lose focus.

Check your state laws. As far as I know, all money earned during marriages is considered “marital property” in a divorce, and may be entitled to half of it — community property state or not. Doesn’t matter if it is in his name.

I definitely WOULD make copies of financial statements, if I were you. You can get a cheap safe deposit box (again, pay cash and be anonymous) and keep them there. Or with your lawyer.

Check out domestic violence support groups in your area. Even if there is no physical violence, domestic violence groups “get” emotional and psychological abuse.

You do not say whether or not you have children. Or how much freedom/time/space you have during the day. You can go to the library to read and think and write (use their computers and get a free and private gmail account).

I’ll write more later, if I think of more things. Hang in there. You sound like you are in a lot of pain and that is normal, for being a prisoner in your own home like that.

Dear Confused:
What your daughter feels is parental alienation. Imposed upon her by her father. May I encourage you to do some reading on the subject. You may never have a relationship with her again as is true for me and daughter now 25 years old and gone for nineteen years! Her mother an ultra diabolical sociopath.

Argg i had a stumblle….I stupidly responded to the spath….I need a good tongue lashin people..when we were together he had given me his visa to purchase flights for his job and when i discovered mr. spath was on thirty five dating porn sites i kicked him to the curb….when he started his projection nonsense and calling me ‘the whore’ I was fuious and got caught up in his game and retaliated…..Now he is trying to blackmai me back into the relationship….ugggh what a mess…I am so sick of him i could vomit i would never go back to him in a million years…I did not realize they pounce harder on holidays to break the no contact….i need to spend the next holiday here reading and staying out of his stupid game….

I divorced a spath and lost my son in the process…his birthday is christmas day and thats my most vunerable time of the year as i cry and miss my child each and every year…what the hell is wrong that i keep finding these idiots….

Dear Cathyann, I am so glad that your P sperm donor is out of your life….and that you can visit your mother. I’m sorry too that she didn’t escape like you have, but she is most likely past remembering much of it at least. I am glad that you had a good holiday at Christmas with the kids and grandkids. Glad that you have a life filled with peace and stability.

Yes,, they will come around with the pity ploy seeking to weasel things out of others, but sounds like you have got it under control! Good for you!!! TOWANDA!!!!

Jordeez,

Welcome to lovefraud….to answer your question “what the hell is wrong that I keep finding these idiots..?” is that the road to healing after a brush with a psychopath is longer than we’d like to think, and while we are healing from one onslaught, we are vulnerable like a wounded animal to the next predator that comes along…so we must completely heal before we get into a new relationship or we are very likely to be “love bombed” by a psychopath into thinking he is “prince charming.”

The healing starts out learning about what a psychopath is and how to spot them,, but ends up being about ourselves.

I suggest that you read the archives here and start out under the “what is a psychopath/sociopath” category and read just the articles, leave the comments for later. Read all the articles and there are hundreds of articles but KNOWLEDGE IS POWER and learning about them will help you and will also teach you about yourself. Welcome to LF. God bless.

Thank you ox drover…I will do that…read read and read some more…in the meantime i felt the need to connect with someone who understands the crazymaking…thank you for responding…

20 Years,
Thanks for the advice. It is good to hear what others have done…especially since none of the people I associate with seem to relate to my living(?) conditions. I’ve learned to not discuss my home situation…people believe that an outgoing person must have a happy life… could not be under constant house arrest. Unfortunately, my happiness only comes out when I’m away from him…then I take glee in being me.

I do have a safety deposit box with some evidence…will see what else I might find. Even if it seems to have no value to me now, it might be needed in the future.

“I just loved him so much, and miss the person I thought he was so much too. ”

Greeting, all.
To me, this letter writer simply nails it with the words ‘the person I thought he was’ – the sociopath is a great pretender. And when I write ‘great pretender’, I mean brilliant liars and cheats. These people are smart, really smart. And they adapt like chameleons.
I am so happy we have Love Fraud et al to help us realize we are not alone.
Thank you to all who contribute the this site. You saved my life.
Happy 2012.
OneB

This is the first year in a long time that I was with my family, he would not let me go around them. My gift this year, I got my family back, he did not win. He wants them to hate me so I have no support, but they know what he is. I also went to my new friends house and I watched how his family functioned and how warm they were, it was very different. His father was warm, kind and so was his wife. They gave me a gift card to Macys which I thought was kind. My Path parents were cold, and unkind, not only to me but to their own younger son. They would allow my Path to beat him up and lay in their room and do nothing, and the next morning blame it on the younger son. He was much smaller and was 4 years younger, they always blamed everyone else for the Paths bad behavior.

Dear Jordeez- I lost my 3 grown daughters and my 2 Granddaughters…..and my 17 year old son who is caught in the middle I see gravitating towards the rest of the family just so he has them, even though he SAW what the P did to me. I understand and feel your pain! I was completely alone for Christmas too….. but that is better than the gasllighting, ambient abuse,emotional and physical abuse I was living in! Hang in there!

Donna

Thank you for a really excellent post.

This part hit home the most for me: The sociopath did not give you a fabulous gift, or take you on a wonderful getaway, because he or she was in love with you. The sociopath was after a prize, and was seducing you to win it.

What WAS he after? My self esteem? I guess so.

So many times I told him that I felt like he “sucked me dry” and that I “wanted to die”.

He wasn’t horrified. He never apologized. He never came running to the rescue wanting to fix what was upsetting me, or fix what was broken. No, he did nothing of the sort.

I wanted to DIE. And that’s exactly what he wanted.

How sick.

Athena

“I just loved him so much, and miss the person I thought he was so much too. I just can’t seem to understand, because I am not a sociopath, and it is still very painful.”
Boy, did this ever hit home with me! For so long, I loved the person I thought the ex-spath should be. I learned the hard way to NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH POTENTIAL. And when I would begin to pull away, out would come all of his tools for manipulating, our son, family members and so on.
For so long, I was afraid that if I understood him, I would become like him and that isn’t true at all. It was this very site that taught me differently. I still don’t understand all of the “why’s” and today that’s OK with me. I’m indifferent and it’s a truly great place to be.

Jordeez, Christmas this year was very poignant for both myself and my youngest son. For the first time in years, we were with my older children and my entire family. Previously, ALL of them had alienated themselves from my life. I so GET where you are right now. I can’t tell you how many Christmases I spent alone. It hurts, but as time goes on, as you get stronger, others will come back into your life. Whatever they believe right now is due to the spath’s manipulation. Trust in yourself and your value as a person. And the rest will just happen. And if they don’t come back, it’s on them, not you.

Amelia, I know the feeling and it’s a darned good one, isn’t it? Once we are rid of the spath, our life becomes filled with good stuff. It may take awhile to understand we deserve it(spath speak has messed with our heads), but it’s AWESOME when we are finally free!

Confused, good stuff on here! I went through much of the controlling behaviors with the ex-spath: lying to friends and family, insisting he knew where I was at all times, not telling me friends had called and on and on and on…
You CAN get out of this. I walked away from almost everything I owned and it was more than worth it. I can replace “stuff” but I can’t replace myself or my son. Donna is right on…they can’t read our minds! Our thoughts are still ours and the more we see the reality of the situation we’re in, the stronger we become. And you can do this!

I haven’t had contact with the spath in awhile now. And we get better slowly. When I look back now, I see what a mess it all truly was and I thank God for this site and the people on it. I’ve said before that this site saved my life and it did. I’m still healing and will be for a long time yet. That’s OK too. I look at as life lessons.
I attend the University of Life and class is in session!
Love and Laughter
Cat

Athena, I think it’s all about control and their attitude they’re entitled to whatever someone else has. They are NASTY! No conscience=not caring about the pain they inflict on others. Good question!
L&L,
Cat

Hi friends,

I have been away for a while, I have holding strong with NC. My last court date was back in Nov with my ex spath. When I went to court I didn’t even look at him. I thought to myself that is it… no more will I have to set eyes on him. Well, he called me several times on Christmas day. Then he showed up to my house. Now, some of you may remember me, I was devasted by my ex spath earlier this year when he left me a note on my night stand and went off and married another woman only a day after he asked me to marry him and we were looking at engagement rings the night before. Just a couple days before that, he bought me a necklace with 2 hearts connected together. That represented us. Yes, he told me that are hearts will always be connected. He left me back in Feb. He took my car and title that he had not finished paying for. I was able to take him to court and get money for my car, but I lost my case for the money I paid for his back chid support.
I was devasted beyond my wildest nightmares. I layed on the floor in the fetal position and wept for days… I could barely function. I am not the same care free woman I used to be. I am jaded…. but I have made progress.
So, he shows up on Christmas day around 9:30 at night. He had been calling me but I did not answer. He showed up on my front porch. I probably should have called the cops, but I just had to hear what he had to say for himself. So after 10 months he tells me that he is sorry that he left me the way he did. His marriage was falling apart and that he should have never left me. He asked me if I still had the necklace and I told him that I burned it with everything that had to do with him. I told him that I had moved on. His wife showed up at the house and demand that he give her his wedding ring and phone. She called me and left a message saying that she was divorcing him and that she should have listened to me. He is a mess and now he has messed up another womans life.
I feel that seeing and hearing it all falling apart helps me with my healing processes. I know him apologizing was just a way to see if he could get his foot back in my door so that he could bleed me more… I do know that and I will not, can not let him back into my life for I know that he will only cause me pain. It is so very sad that he is so sick, but that is what he is…SICK.
So, I am witness to the fact that sociopaths use the holidays for manipulation. Even though I know that we will never be together again, for I now know what he is. I am sad for the loss of what I thought I had. Even thought I got an apology that was really not an apology, I feel closure. He can’t hurt me anymore.

sadme,

I think he wanted to know if you had the necklace because he wanted to get it back…and maybe gift it to someone else (ok, I’m thinking he is not trust worthy…my bad…lol!).

I’m happy that you told him you don’t still have it…if you said you still had the necklace, what would his next statement have been? Might he have thought that there was still some hope that you had a soft spot for him and could be manipulated and swindled by him once again?…then he could steal even more from you…all because you wanted to believe that he truly saw the errors of his ways…and would never deliberately harm you again..duh!

Once a scorpion…always a scorpion! They’ll bite you every chance they get…but only after they take what they can get and are (at least temporarily) finished with you!

Why do we hold on to false hope that these SP’s can possibly feel any remorse (other than remorse when they’ve been caught).

I really believe these SPs come back because there might be something financial to gain…or to find evidence that they later realized they had forgotten to confiscate and destroy.

I’m glad you stood your ground…you should be proud of yourself. If a good friend was in your position and turned him away, wouldn’t you praise her actions? Now try to become your own best friend and celebrate every victory.

calmeathena,
Last year I told my husband that I have realized that when I married him I “settled”…I got so much less than anyone deserved.

That was the worst thing I could imagine saying to anyone…and I am still in awe that I actually said it to him!

He didn’t respond…but then why would a rock respond? (You know…there’s nothing dumber than a rock).

Hello sad me,

What a tale of woe and despair. I’m so sorry for your pain and totally understand the feeling that his downfall helps your healing process.

Coming from a background/up bringing where we were taught to turn the other cheek, see the good in everybody, I am learning through this site that actually there are some people in the world who are evil. I would enjoy knowing my ex is having a shiat Christmas…..is that a bit spathy of me?
And yes he has tried to contact me over the holiday period. Pure unadulterated self pity. He HATES being on his own, he’s spineless …….as well as emotionless

Imconfused, agree with your thoughts on the necklace. He would get off on the idea that Sadme still had it or would ask for it back to keep as a sick trophy.

My ex wanted the cheap engagement ring back. He wanted it soooo badly but I still have it. My daughter loves my idea of selling it and giving the money to charity or just giving it to charity.

YYeeaaahhh! My spath husband LOVES me!!

After being NC, having time/distance and space to get perspective, sometimes I question myself that I was grasping at anything, that REALLY our marriage troubles were just one big miscommunication thingy.

And THERE it is! My Christmas Day Email from my precious! I’d thought there wouldn’t be one b/c he hated me so much and erased me like the nothing I was to him. But, true to Spath form, he was PREDICTABLE.

JUST like Imconfused, my husband ignores ALL the carp he did to me, he knew that the consequence of life with him left me so devastated that I wanted to die, (he was SO concerned that he even tried to help by setting up lots of “accidents”, including the last one where I barely escaped being murdered).

My husband’s lamented missing the Christmas’s of times past. As usual, he knows what MATTERS and lazer zoomed right in that. What matters? Him. What he no longer receives b/c mean ol me deserted pppoooooorrrr him for NO Reason at ALL!

PEOPLE! DO NOT QUESTION the depths of their evil! You are not wrong! Nobody questions their whole world b/c of a little spat. Even when your life gets back to looking normal and you aren’t in a daily struggle with deceit and destruction, and perhaps you think (momentarily) maybe it wasn’t that bad… it only takes ONE email to remind you… YES IT WAS THAT BAD and worse, b/c you were so TRAUMATIZED you were unable to deal with how bad it REALLY was all at once and so it dragged out for quite a while.

Katy, Who is SO happy to report that aftre a while, going NC lets you have NORMAL thinking back… but DON’T EVER let your boundries down!!!

Strongawoman,
I’ve seen women get their wedding rings reset into divorce jewelry. What not get your ring reset into something to celebrate your new growth and wisdom?!

I’m Confused.
Funny thing about spaths. They get FURIOUS over nonsense, and the stuff that would make normal people really upset doesn’t phase them. Your comment to your spath was a comment aimed at his heart. No wonder it missed! Now if you’d have aimed at his image….

SadMe
Am so sorry that after everything he did to you and went between you, his thing was getting back a gift from you and he did that Christmas night? Whatta piece of work! (um. “sorry for what i did to you. can i have your property?” gez o pete, that is typically COLD and CALLOUSED. ) (BTW, ain’t you glad you’re not his WIFE, hunting him down on Christmas night at your house?)

Am SO happy for you to not be with him any more. NOW you have the possibility of LOVE, which you NEVER were gonna have when you were with him. Moreover, you have LOTS of possibilties of GOOD things in life, NONE of which were gonna happen while you were with him.

Katydid, good advice “…..don’t let your guard down”

Yep this time I’m not going to let him crack my nice new armour. I would copy the email my ex sent me over Xmas but it’s so sickening and spelt really badly too lol. He loved to say he was dyslexic that’s why he couldn’t spell. Another lie …another pity ploy?
God what a sucker.
Oh well, Katy you get the last laugh on your ex and me too. I take my victories in the smallest ways. I’m not bitter …. I have been very angry over the past few months but it’s just starting to get better.

And thanks for the idea for the ring.

Decided to share it after all. Oh dear!!

good morning my love gutted am i you have changed your number now I
know you are totally done with me.
as so upset for the way ive been to the bestist woman ive ever none,i look back at regret on the way i was with you not noing just how much you meant to me before it was to late .
am a fool for the way ive been and see so much wear i went wrong with you.
so sorry if only i had a change to proof just how much you mean to me now and
for ever i think i will never stop loving you,even now when am about to move
on your still in my mind and my hart,i will never forget you and you will always be my biggist regret,,,the regret off losing the best woman to ever no me.your love was the deepist ive ever none and i miss that so much.please for give me for being a twat if theres any way i can help you please i will always be ear for
you no matter if your with some one or i am.i owe you everything i am.have a
great xmas and new year .your in my thoughts every min of every day i think of you and what a c** t ive been
i will always be yours and will drop everything to be with you but i no you will
not ever talk to me again and i dont blame you really love you more now than ever before.
take care
your Spath.xx

Strongawoman,
Your spath is funny. Mine said similar, that he would change. I told him, “I don’t WANT you to change! I want you to BE the person you said you were!”

…. also funny how they offer to change but if they REALLY meant it, they don’t need our PERMISSION before they become truthful, faithful, and honorable, do they?!! rotflmafo. LOL.

Strongawoman-

Do you think you were the only person who received a message like this from him?

I think that Spaths need to feel important…they need to think that they did something that takes them off the hook for their (misunderstood) actions. They blessed each of us by showing up in our lives…so we must be pathetic if we don’t admire their deeds and want them out of our lives.

If you fail to respond to his “heart felt” ramblings…well he tried to apologize… he can’t be held responsible if you’re too heartless to forgive him. (At least now he has a partial truth to spread to his next victim…she will think he’s been done wrong by you…until it’s her turn to go!)

Thanks for sharing this message that’s filled w/ a lot of BS!

Although you see right through his pathetic lies, he can now brag about how he tried… to everyone who will listen. (awe…the tales he could fabricate)

He tried to make things right w/ you…he’s sooo considerate…such a sweet guy…really sad story…he needs love…gag!

What an excellent article – I don’t have the opportunity to be on this site as much as I wish I could, but this was necessary for me to read, today.

Indeed, the Holidays are the most profitable time for spaths – they either over-indulge, or they ignore and discard. For the past 4 years, it was the latter – no decorations, no trees, no gifts, no special meals, etc.

Every moment that I am away from the worm is a moment to be grateful for, Holidays, or not. I have the opportunity to start completely from scratch and develop new, and more meaningful traditions that involve true, honest, agape love and joy. This year, there was a distinct lack of joy, but that will be mended in due time.

It’s TIME that is required to process my experiences and feelings, that’s all. Time and self-love, and I’m not talking about the narcissistic type, either. I’m talking about recognizing that I am unique in all of the world, and worthy of loving my Self for who I am. We all need this, and desperately if we’ve been had by a spath. We ARE worthy of love, compassion, trust, and healing. We DESERVE to live and progress.

Thanks, again, for the exceptional article. Much needed, for me! 😀

I’m confused,

You are right on the money. My ex is master manipulator and yes I think he will try to make out HE is hard done by. I mean, how could I not forgive him? Sweet lovely guy ……that he ain’t.
Yikes when the mask slipped it wasn’t pretty …..and I used to call him gorgeous man. I know it’s not good to bash myself but I do still carry a lot of shame that I allowed him to abuse me.

No, I don’t think I was only one to get a message like that. It only took me four years of this BS, as you aptly put it, to realise this “man” is a loser and a leach. I have got off lightly compared to some, however and
am grateful for that.

Katydid, yes he’s funny….and conniving. Did you notice the bit where he says” now I’m about to move on”……trying to make me come back because some other woman will snap him up. Hmmm, slick!

Yak

Katydid,
You’re right…image means everything to a Spath.

My husband was a commissioned officer who served in Viet Nam, flew planes, had a HS friend die in his arms and then burned his medals on Bismark’s court house steps…so he can’t produce any proof that he is a vet…can’t tell military time either…what a hoot!

He has three wounds from serving in Viet Nam…he told a minister about them while we were on a flight to Spokane. I questioned him later…of course I heard him wrong…how could I hear anything he said when I was sitting in the seat right next to him…so very far away. (flying in coach is so roomy…grin) He pointed to one wound where his appendix was removed, another on his chest has had a number of stories about it’s cause (now a gun shot wound that left a scar that is so close to his heart that a mere mortal person would have died instantly), and a final wound at his ankle…I’ve never seen this one, but we’ve only been together(? is that possible…together?) for twenty years, so I must have just missed seeing it! (lol!…how pathetic!)

Oh…he also was on a retainer from the US government…as a hacker…of course he can’t prove that either…top secret government stuff!

Oh…he would go out of his way to be kind to a stranger in need…when we were dating….how sweet was that!

Oh…he had cancer…needed to go away for treatments…not safe for me to go with…Sloan Kettering is in a BAD neighborhood and I could have been mugged…by someone besides him!

That is just the tip of his accomplishments. His resume seems very impressive…and almost endless…but no proof…still very impressive to everyone who will listen.

I must have been on drugs when I fell for this fraud…maybe just under a false illusion about who he was. He could win an academy award for his acting ability!

oh strongawoman,
with that kind of offer… how could you not??

they are SO stupid. they know enough to hide what they truly are b/c you’d never go out with them if they were truthful. yes, some other woman will snap him up, but only b/c the pitiful woman knows not what comes with him.

Katydid,
succinctly put. The pitiful woman knows not what comes with him. Feel very sorry for his next ” victim” …….as he used to say. Yes he did threaten that he would leave me and “move onto his next victim”.
Because ….the main reason? I didnt love him enough. Ha!

IMconfused, Strongwoman, KatyDid,
Thank you for the words of encouragement. When he asked about the necklace, I think it was more to find out if I still had it that it meant that I still cared for him… It gave me great pleasure to tell him that I burned it with everything else that reminded me of him. I set him free into the universe. All the notes, all his clothes and the necklace. He said ” but it was White gold” I said so…. It came from you and and by burning it I freed myself from you.
( I was told by a tarot card reader that I will always have a connection to this man, that I had to except it and then let the thought go into the universe) I freed myself that evening, when I decided that is what I needed to do to release him, to free me.
I am a Christian woman… and I questioned myself about how I was getting some pleasure out of knowing that his life with this new woman is falling apart. He has let his mask slip with his new wife and it is not pretty. I feel a little bit sorry for his new wife. Her life is being turned upside down. She has a long haul in front of her. She married him. It is going to be much more difficult for her to get rid of him. And now that he knows that I don’t want him back, he is going to go to plan B. Whatever that maybe… it will not be good for her.
The ultimate smack in the face for her was for him to come to me on Christmas day. She is a very religious woman that told him he could not have a drink on the Lord’s Birthday. He did and then came to me. How horrible that most be for her. She has to be devastated. My ex spath told me that he was sick of her controlling him, that he can’t go anywhere without her going with him….I had to laugh and say ” oh, a taste of your own medicine” I doesn’t feel good not to be trusted, does it? You did that to me all the time” Sad thing is I was trustworthy.. he wasn’t, nor is he ever going to be.

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