Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
There are times when I feel completely lost in all this pain, with no way out. It is as if I have been completely abandoned in a world full of hurt. There seems to be no one, or no thing, that I can trust anymore. All of the things that I used to enjoy only bring me temporary relief, at best. My mind obsesses about what happened, what could have been, and what misery the future holds. It feels as though my very life has been taken from me. Hopelessness has become my home, and fear my constant companion.
If you recognize this state of mind, “you are not alone”. I found Hope is these simple words, and today, believe that hope is the single greatest gift that one person can provide to another. The reason these words were so comforting to me is because those that said it, did so from a place that I was seeking. That place was peace and happiness. I thought I would never experience peace and happiness again, but there it was in front of me. It was being offered by people that had been to the Hell that I described above and knew the way out. The result was Hope.
And what is Hope after all? Hope is the belief that we can overcome whatever tragedy or suffering that is in our lives at the current moment.
The past few postings here have presented some of the Spiritual concepts that lead to peace, but this week we will talk about the key to freedom and offer a way out, if interested. The key to Peace, and the invitation for a Miracle, resides in one of the simplest, yet most misunderstood of all spiritual teachings. This misunderstanding makes this simple step one of the most difficult ever taken, but by far, the most meaningful. The only way to overcome the past, is to let it go.
Our freedom resides in our willingness and ability to Forgive.
Forgive is one of the most misunderstood words in the English language. In fact, many people are “put off” by the very idea and recoil from the suggestion because of what they “think” forgiveness means. The act of forgiveness does not release the perpetrator from responsibility for their crimes, nor condone the behavior. Forgiving the perpetrator does NOT mean we trust them, or like them. Forgiveness is about Letting Go, a process that releases us from another’s destructive hold over our lives.
Many of us understand why forgiveness is important and the profound affects that it can have on our lives and the lives of those around us, but few know how to do it. Most, however, know very little about the sometimes devastating physical illnesses and damaged relationships that are caused by our inability to let go of the past.
It took me a tremendous amount of suffering before I recognized that my past was poisoning the current moment, all of my relationships, and robbing me of my Peace of mind. Without knowing it, I was using my past to harm me, and those I loved. Finally, it became so painful that I decided to stop bludgeoning myself to death and try something different. It turned out to be just The Miracle that I was looking for.
When I started this series my hope was that I could offer the step by step process of letting go through this blog, but although simple, it is not that easy. Our culture today promises everything in an instant, as if that is the solution to our problems. This often creates an expectation that suggests immediate results. This leads to more discouragement and compounds the original mistake, by adding a feeling of unworthiness and failure. The process of letting go requires willingness, sharing, and a commitment to get free that most are not yet willing to accept.
I will continue to write weekly here, but for those that are interested and willing to go more deeply into the process of letting go, please join A Course In Forgiving (begins January 19, 2012). I did not come here to promote The Course, but to offer it to those that feel moved to do something more about the pain in their lives.
This Course is designed to guide participants through the Step by Step Spiritual Process of Letting Go with weekly lessons, readings and exercises that are intended to open the pathway to healing and Peace. If you would like to donate up to $25.00 for the six week online course, thank you, but please do not feel obligated to pay for The Course.
If interested, please visit www.victorythroughpeace.com and click the link in the left hand column titled “Six Week Course Online”. For those that participate, I will be available by phone and email to share experience in addition to this weekly blog on Lovefraud.
Peace.
Travis,
You are so right about forgiveness – it is misunderstood. As the Lovefraud contributor Joyce Alexander says, It does not mean “pretend it didn’t happen.” It does mean removing the metaphorical hooks from our hearts, the hooks that bind us to the pain.
In my experience, there was a higher purpose for my involvement with the sociopath, and the entire purpose was to break the chains that bound me to him.
I had help through that process. Thank you for your offer to help others.
Yes, Travis, I do totally agree that we cannot truly and completely heal until we “forgive”–forgive both the abuser and forgive OURSELVES as well.
I was raised and taught that “forgiveness” mean we “pretended it hadn’t happened, and wouldn’t happen again.” Forgiveness meant that we had to restore TRUST to the person who had not repented of their actions and would likely repeat them. To do less than this “total amnesia” was to consign one’s soul to a pit of hell fire for the duration of eternity.
Funny, though, how those people who demanded that I have total retrograde amnesia about every bad thing they or any one else did to me, they seemed to be able to recall the most minute details of any thing that I ever did to displease them or any bad act on my part.
Most difficult though, was finding forgiveness for myself for the mistakes I had made throughout my life, and for the things I had done that I knew were wrong and did them anyway. That self forgiveness was very difficult, because I had been taught that complete perfection was the only acceptable success. Since I was not perfect, therefore I was not acceptable.
Allowing myself to be less than perfect and still acceptable, in other words to forgive myself, get the bitterness about myself out of my heart, in addition to getting the bitterness against my abusers out of my heart.
I did discover though that “forgiveness” (i.e. getting the bitterness out of my heart) is an ONGOING process for me, not a “one and done” thing, but something that I must continually work on when bitterness rears its ugly head.
I wish you great participation in your course on forgiveness! I think it is a sadly neglected part of the healing process and one that is necessary for full and complete resolution. Forgive them, but don’t trust them any further than you can throw a cow by the tail! Forgive yourself, and learn to trust yourself again! God bless, Travis! Thanks for this great article and for the class as well!
Ox Drover – I really appreciate your posts. You seem to be doing a lot of good here.
Yes, self forgiveness is the end game in all of this. With that comes real peace.
I do two things that are very helpful. If I find myself agitated during the day, I will pause, breathe and invite God in, then forgive myself for 3 things. Usually they are simple, like “Travis I forgive you for being tired and wanting to take a break from work”, or “I forgive you for making this mistake”. I then follow with 3 thoughts of things that I am grateful for in myself and my life. It helps change my attitude quickly and also makes me aware of how I treat myself. When I am grateful, good things happen.
Then, at the end of the day, before bed, I quietly review my day and look at where I might have been kinder, or more present, accepting that I can do better tomorrow, but forgiving myself, knowing that I did the best that I could do for the day. I sleep like a baby and wake in the morning in Gratitude.
In the morning I will often forgive myself for everything that I might do wrong during the day before leaving the house. A funny thing happens when I do this…I am much less likely to make mistakes! Funny how that works. Peace
Travis,
I am glad that you brought up gratitude as well. Gratitude is also very healing. When we are grateful for anything good that happens – even something as minor as finding a good parking spot – it invites more good things into our lives.
Donna, I grew up with enough food, enough clothing, shelter, education, and reasonable safety as a child….my sojourns in third world countries made me realize that having clean water, enough food, and a safe place to lay your head at night is NOT A UNIVERSAL thing for the people of the world.
When we become used to having these things and the people around us seem to all that that or more, sometimes we lose the “attitude of gratitude” that we should have for even the most mundane of our blessings.
Sometimes it is scary to realize that the very things we take for granted, our health, our loved ones, our job, home, our safety can “disappear” in a moment via no fault of our own. The stories on the news this holiday weekend about the woman in Conn losing her house, her three children and her parents in a house fire and the little girl 9 yr old girl who was killed by the “male baby sitter,” and Santa Claus killing himself and 6 others on Christmas morning! The world is NOT a “safe place” and it also isn’t a “fair” place. The gratitude we have for the things we are blessed with is a huge part of the healing we need to do. We may have lot a lot, but like Dr. Viktor Frankl said, we must FIND MEANING IN LIFE no matter what we have lost—even if it appears to be that we have lost “everything.”
As long as we have gratitude for what we do have, we have meaning in life…we have peace, enjoyment and contentment!
Thanks Travis for sharing your wonderful philosophy!
After some prayerful thought, I would like to offer The Course in ForGiving to anyone that would like to participate. For the January Course I have made the fee or donation optional. If you would like to register please visit http://www.victorythroughpeace.com
Grateful to be here with you all. Peace, Travis
Travis, thank you for that wonderful gesture of giving!
Thank you Travis.
Hi, I’m completely new to the blog thing. This is my first posted comment on the Internet and not sure if I’m talking to myself at the moment. I am about as green as they come when it comes to anything computer (or technology!) related, but I am inspired to join in on the discussions on this website because I have come farther in my healing process from a psychopathic since reading these comments than in the almost 3 years since shaking off the psychopathic. And I have only “discovered” he was a psychopath /sociopath in the last 6 weeks. Just to sort of fill anyone in.who might be like me and looking for answers, I had no clue what a psychopath truly was. I thought they were crazy institutionalized murderers, the kind who make the news or are the villians in movies. Not until very recently did something urge me to look up the word ‘sociopath’ on the Internet and my shock, my whole world and belief system, my LIFE did a screeching halt and slowly I have been turning a 180 with the articles and blots and comments I have read about this very real entity that plagues our world. I don’t know where to even begin relating what I’he been through. Most of the time my energy is totally drained when my mind tries to wrap around what happened for more than a few minutes. Even after the psychopath has been gone for several years, I have physical problems due to stress, depression for which I take antidepressants, drained energy, confussion and short term memory loss to name a few. I cant seem to cope well enough in my self recovery to function at an acceptable level. I’m a mess, but I try daily, hourly, to get on track with my life and continue the healing process. I have done more healing in the shirt month of reading all of your comments, though, then in 3 long years, so THANK GOD
for sending me here to all of you. See, I posted this too early before finishing (still trying to learn how to use my Kindle that I got for Christmas and my fingers keep slipping). Makes me look like I cant spell, but anyway, thank you all for sharing your experiences and advice. It has helped me so very much and I have been praying for just this type of help and support for a long time. This is actually a big step for me to get on and register and post a comment. I hope others in my shoes discover this website and get as much out of it as I have. Thank you all so much.