Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
There are times when I feel completely lost in all this pain, with no way out. It is as if I have been completely abandoned in a world full of hurt. There seems to be no one, or no thing, that I can trust anymore. All of the things that I used to enjoy only bring me temporary relief, at best. My mind obsesses about what happened, what could have been, and what misery the future holds. It feels as though my very life has been taken from me. Hopelessness has become my home, and fear my constant companion.
If you recognize this state of mind, “you are not alone”. I found Hope is these simple words, and today, believe that hope is the single greatest gift that one person can provide to another. The reason these words were so comforting to me is because those that said it, did so from a place that I was seeking. That place was peace and happiness. I thought I would never experience peace and happiness again, but there it was in front of me. It was being offered by people that had been to the Hell that I described above and knew the way out. The result was Hope.
And what is Hope after all? Hope is the belief that we can overcome whatever tragedy or suffering that is in our lives at the current moment.
The past few postings here have presented some of the Spiritual concepts that lead to peace, but this week we will talk about the key to freedom and offer a way out, if interested. The key to Peace, and the invitation for a Miracle, resides in one of the simplest, yet most misunderstood of all spiritual teachings. This misunderstanding makes this simple step one of the most difficult ever taken, but by far, the most meaningful. The only way to overcome the past, is to let it go.
Our freedom resides in our willingness and ability to Forgive.
Forgive is one of the most misunderstood words in the English language. In fact, many people are “put off” by the very idea and recoil from the suggestion because of what they “think” forgiveness means. The act of forgiveness does not release the perpetrator from responsibility for their crimes, nor condone the behavior. Forgiving the perpetrator does NOT mean we trust them, or like them. Forgiveness is about Letting Go, a process that releases us from another’s destructive hold over our lives.
Many of us understand why forgiveness is important and the profound affects that it can have on our lives and the lives of those around us, but few know how to do it. Most, however, know very little about the sometimes devastating physical illnesses and damaged relationships that are caused by our inability to let go of the past.
It took me a tremendous amount of suffering before I recognized that my past was poisoning the current moment, all of my relationships, and robbing me of my Peace of mind. Without knowing it, I was using my past to harm me, and those I loved. Finally, it became so painful that I decided to stop bludgeoning myself to death and try something different. It turned out to be just The Miracle that I was looking for.
When I started this series my hope was that I could offer the step by step process of letting go through this blog, but although simple, it is not that easy. Our culture today promises everything in an instant, as if that is the solution to our problems. This often creates an expectation that suggests immediate results. This leads to more discouragement and compounds the original mistake, by adding a feeling of unworthiness and failure. The process of letting go requires willingness, sharing, and a commitment to get free that most are not yet willing to accept.
I will continue to write weekly here, but for those that are interested and willing to go more deeply into the process of letting go, please join A Course In Forgiving (begins January 19, 2012). I did not come here to promote The Course, but to offer it to those that feel moved to do something more about the pain in their lives.
This Course is designed to guide participants through the Step by Step Spiritual Process of Letting Go with weekly lessons, readings and exercises that are intended to open the pathway to healing and Peace. If you would like to donate up to $25.00 for the six week online course, thank you, but please do not feel obligated to pay for The Course.
If interested, please visit www.victorythroughpeace.com and click the link in the left hand column titled “Six Week Course Online”. For those that participate, I will be available by phone and email to share experience in addition to this weekly blog on Lovefraud.
Peace.
Y’know what? I don’t “forgive” in this sense. What that person did was wrong. I’ll even kick their a** to kingdom come if I see them doing it again. But I go on in the present as if I’m still OK. Because I am. That’s the truth. They lost, I won, because I’m still standing. What a waste of time that was, trying to bring me down. Go back to playing with your toys now, little kids, I say. I have a life to live among the adults. Places to go, people to see.
Dear woundlicker,
Welcome to LoveFRaud….don’t worry about where or how you post on any thread…this is a very “friendly” site and you are very welcome here…it is also a healing site, and since knowledge is power, educate yourself by reading the archives.
It is not a “chat” site so you may not get an instant answer if you post a question, so don’t get your feelings hurt if it takes a while. There are USUALLY 1-2 people here from around the world different time zones most of the time, but sometimes not…so just wait until someone comes on to answer your question.
I check in and out several times per day as I am retired so it may look like I am on here 24/7 but actually I just come on when I am between loads of laundry or other things around the house.
Again,. welcome! Glad you found this site! God bless.
Dear Ox Drover, thank you for clueing me in…AND for responding. I was hoping you of all people would comment. Yours have been the most effective words of encouragement and advice (and information) of all I have read thus far. Not that everyone else has not moved me and helped me, but collectively you get the ball rolling, so God bless you.
I’m 41 and still talk to my mom with all my problems. She had told me from the beginning he was evil, she always senses things like that. I’m convinced she has a sixth sense because she has always been right about everyone, whether good or bad. She also told me when I finally wised up about the psychopath that forgiveness was one of the most important steps in healing. I suppose I misunderstood that forgiveness does NOT mean the predator is redeemed, it means that I move past him and let this massive burden go. He has had power over me because I was a willing victim and even though he is long gone, I still give him control of my life because I haven’t forgiven. My desire to see justice served has blinded my progress in healing myself.
I’ve shed gallons of tears to the point I actually had cardiac arrest and had to be shocked with 200 joule’s twice, had heart surgery (I am absolutely convinced the stress and pain and self-hatred I suffered brought on my heart problem), walked hundreds of miles to think and try to make sense of whet happened and why, written hundreds of pages down in my journals to help myself through the bitterness and resentment only to tear up each page in a rage. I’ve even written his name on toilet paper right before a B.M. and nothing has helped much. Yes, wiping with his ugly name (13 letters I might add- just saying) did make me smile for a moment, but for the most part I have been in a very dark place. I pray a lot and stay as far away as I can from the areas he frequents, absolutely no contact or communication, and as of this year I even stopped looking at his arrest record online to see if he has been in jail again. I think trying to keep track.of even.his crimes and convictions brings a negative energy into my house that lingers.
But of all the different types of methods I’ve tried to utilize in my healing process, the single most important personally has been prayer because it lead me to this forum and I see I am not alone, and knowing that has helped tremendously.
Knowing I’m not crazy or evil myself for allowing him in my life, knowing there are others like him out there and others like me has set my wheels in motion to truly move on, to forgive, and to forgive myself for once. I have to realize I will never be whole if I don’t like myself. I believed all of the horrible, demeaning things he called me. I believed I was sick in the head and messed up (I’m putting it nicely), that I needed help, I was worthless and a lot of other things I can’t say here. He completely broke me, sucked out my life, my spirit, my energy, and when I was at bottom he kicked dirt on me. I can only remember only one truth he ever said. Of the countless lies, only one thing he ever said rings true and that was when he said he thought he was unlovable. I look back and realize not only did I never respect him (gave me anSTD, stole from me and everyone, sold drugs, drug and alcohol addict, sexual predator, etc., etc.) But I didn’t even LIKE him!!! So my biggest challenge is understanding why with all the obvious I stuck by him for so long. What’s wrong with ME?! I’m starting to realize I am not those things he had me believing about myself. I see now that others have been in my shoes in different degrees. I feel like there is safety in numbers. Everyone who has experienced a psychopath has had to deal with the destruction. And its possible to get passed it. I see a light at theend of this long dark tunnel.
Wound licker, what’s wrong with you? You fell victim to evil honey bunch. You were duped, gas lighted, abused. I stayed with mine also despite irrefutable evidence that he was/is a total piece of shiat. And yes I have beaten myself over my loyalty to him.
What you gona do? Go outside get a big stick with a nail in the end and beat yourself with that?
No my friend! Keep reading …keep your eye on the light at the end of that tunnel.
“forgive myself for once”
I applaud that. Good for you girl.
Dear Woundlicker,
Your post above brought tears to my eyes, and is the very reason I am still at LoveFraud going on five years now….this place is healing and I felt wrung out, strung out, and wounded past healing.
The healing process starts out, I believe, in us finding out what they are and realizing what they have done, and once that part is well on the way, we start to realize that the process is about US and healing ourselves. Finding out why we were vulnerable to their “love bomb” and their “devalue and discard” and why we “stuck with them” and why we kept on trying/wanting to “fix” them.
Healing is also a grief process (look up Elizabeth Kubler Ross) she was a researcher on grief and how we process through the SENSE OF LOSS we have….denial, bargaining, sadness, etc. until we come to acceptance. Of course it doesn’t go, 1-2-3-4-5 bingo! done! It actually goes 1,4,3,2, 5, 4, 1, etc. and we get to “acceptance” but we don’t get to stay there at first, we go back to the previous stages over and over…until one day we wake up and realize that we are at acceptance and we’ve been there for quite a while.
Knowledge is power! Learn, educate yourself. I had to go back through “psychopath 101” several times before I got the lessons.
“Life is a tough teacher, she gives the test first, then the lesson” and we have to get the lesson or we have to repeat! There is no “passing” the class until we have LEARNED the lesson.
We also must realize that harboring bitterness is not a good way to heal, and in fact, that very bitterness at them or at ourselves, will impede our healing.
Keep your faith, and continue to pray! I believe that God will not give us more to bear than we can bear. Sometimes he calms the storm, and sometimes he calms the frightened child. God bless (((Hugs))) Joyce
Ox,
Joyce, can I call you that? Amen to your words. You are such a God send you truly are. Bless you, you welcome the battle worn and weary with your big heart. I love reading your posts.
As someone once said, “Never, never,never give up”
God bless you. Towanda wise woman
Lord knows I needed to hear all of that. For years I have been trying to get better by myself. I try not to put too much on my mom because I can see ithurts her that I’m still in turmoil. But talking to myself and having no one to vent to, no one to get advice from, no shoulder to cry on has stagnated my efforts to recover.
I am more motivated now to see that I WILL grow and learn from this, and not just keep SAYING I will.
God does work in mysterious ways. I see things a tad more clearly lately. Thank you. I hope one day I can be the one giving advice and support.
Thanks, Strongwoman! True, NEVER NEVER NEVER GIVE UP!!!
Woundlicker, the ONE thing that truly started me on the road to healing was when I came here and found that I was NOT ALONE, and that I was NOT STUPID…it may sound silly, but the fact that a smart woman like Dr. Liane Leedom and a smart woman like Donna Andersen were conned made me realize that I was NOT just dumb….and also that I was NOT alone.
I had felt so alone….so dumb….you name it, I felt it…but coming here where there was real support and caring from Donna, Liane and other bloggers I started to heal, started to feel stronger. Some days I felt strong, and other days I felt weak, but I never felt ALONE.
Eventually, though, I learned that While it was wonderful to have support from others, ultimately I had to LEARN TO VALIDATE MYSELF. I had to examine myself, my own feelings, my own motives, my own anger, rage, sorrow….(again, name the emotions!) and come to my own peace with myself. It was 2 steps forward one step back, three steps forward, four steps back, etc. and I kept on “seeking the light” even when it was really dark…just keep the faith that you will recover, that you will heal, that you will get better! and as Strong woman said, NEVER NEVER NEVER GIVE UP!!! (((hugs)) and God’s blessings on everyone of us here!
ps, Strongwoman, you can call me Joyce or “Oxy” or whatever you please, just don’t call me late for supper!
woundlicker: you sound like me when I first arrived here.
I have walked many miles since then and still am walking…
right past “IT” and out the door…
Blessings and prayers to you for the New Year…
Dupey Doo
P.S. Like “Joyce” said: NEVER NEVER NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!