Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
There are times when I feel completely lost in all this pain, with no way out. It is as if I have been completely abandoned in a world full of hurt. There seems to be no one, or no thing, that I can trust anymore. All of the things that I used to enjoy only bring me temporary relief, at best. My mind obsesses about what happened, what could have been, and what misery the future holds. It feels as though my very life has been taken from me. Hopelessness has become my home, and fear my constant companion.
If you recognize this state of mind, “you are not alone”. I found Hope is these simple words, and today, believe that hope is the single greatest gift that one person can provide to another. The reason these words were so comforting to me is because those that said it, did so from a place that I was seeking. That place was peace and happiness. I thought I would never experience peace and happiness again, but there it was in front of me. It was being offered by people that had been to the Hell that I described above and knew the way out. The result was Hope.
And what is Hope after all? Hope is the belief that we can overcome whatever tragedy or suffering that is in our lives at the current moment.
The past few postings here have presented some of the Spiritual concepts that lead to peace, but this week we will talk about the key to freedom and offer a way out, if interested. The key to Peace, and the invitation for a Miracle, resides in one of the simplest, yet most misunderstood of all spiritual teachings. This misunderstanding makes this simple step one of the most difficult ever taken, but by far, the most meaningful. The only way to overcome the past, is to let it go.
Our freedom resides in our willingness and ability to Forgive.
Forgive is one of the most misunderstood words in the English language. In fact, many people are “put off” by the very idea and recoil from the suggestion because of what they “think” forgiveness means. The act of forgiveness does not release the perpetrator from responsibility for their crimes, nor condone the behavior. Forgiving the perpetrator does NOT mean we trust them, or like them. Forgiveness is about Letting Go, a process that releases us from another’s destructive hold over our lives.
Many of us understand why forgiveness is important and the profound affects that it can have on our lives and the lives of those around us, but few know how to do it. Most, however, know very little about the sometimes devastating physical illnesses and damaged relationships that are caused by our inability to let go of the past.
It took me a tremendous amount of suffering before I recognized that my past was poisoning the current moment, all of my relationships, and robbing me of my Peace of mind. Without knowing it, I was using my past to harm me, and those I loved. Finally, it became so painful that I decided to stop bludgeoning myself to death and try something different. It turned out to be just The Miracle that I was looking for.
When I started this series my hope was that I could offer the step by step process of letting go through this blog, but although simple, it is not that easy. Our culture today promises everything in an instant, as if that is the solution to our problems. This often creates an expectation that suggests immediate results. This leads to more discouragement and compounds the original mistake, by adding a feeling of unworthiness and failure. The process of letting go requires willingness, sharing, and a commitment to get free that most are not yet willing to accept.
I will continue to write weekly here, but for those that are interested and willing to go more deeply into the process of letting go, please join A Course In Forgiving (begins January 19, 2012). I did not come here to promote The Course, but to offer it to those that feel moved to do something more about the pain in their lives.
This Course is designed to guide participants through the Step by Step Spiritual Process of Letting Go with weekly lessons, readings and exercises that are intended to open the pathway to healing and Peace. If you would like to donate up to $25.00 for the six week online course, thank you, but please do not feel obligated to pay for The Course.
If interested, please visit www.victorythroughpeace.com and click the link in the left hand column titled “Six Week Course Online”. For those that participate, I will be available by phone and email to share experience in addition to this weekly blog on Lovefraud.
Peace.
Woundlicker
4 years out and I still have symptoms similiar to yours–but it is getting better. If someone had told me this four years ago–I would not have believed them.
I have only recently started posting on LF too. I suffered in silence and burdened my my very understanding mum too although I read without fully understanding of what happened for those four years.
Keep posting. I find it helps–not only in finding yourself again–but in meeting with lovely people who care–also to trust–which is a big issue with me.
You are in the best place.
At first I struggled to find my voice as it had been completely stifled–but now with encouragement from all here I am starting to find it and join in when I can.
Take care and keep posting. You will be fine one day. I am sure of it. Call it hope if you will
xxx
Travis-Thank you, again, for your posts. I signed up for your course and am encouraged that I will finally be able to forgive and let go. It is really the one last thing I need to do in this healing process. And like Oxy says, ‘It’s not a once your there, your done. It is constant work to stay there.”
I really love how you express yourself. There is a gentleness and warmth that I find so comforting. I am thankful that your spirit enttered my “online” life. Blessiings to you.
Woundlicker-Welcome to LF. I, like you, have found profound inspiration and help on this site. Like you, I had the same perceptions about Sociopaths before I came onto this site. My eyes have been opened and it hasn’t always been easy facing the truth of my experience. But trust in the journey. It is worth it.
I have suffered and still suffer from many of the symptoms you described. At first, I didn’t understand why. I went through 12 years of suffereing before I was finally diagonosed with CPTSD 3 years ago. It wasn’t until that time that I faced what had happened to me and that I was involved with a disordered person so many years ago. It was only until I had that initial understanding that I began to heal.
I wish you strength and courage on your journey.
Thank you sisterhood! I too am happy and grateful to be here. Peace and Happy New Year to all.
Sisterhood,
I know just HOW HARD it is to “forgive” (get the bitterness out of your heart) for what was done to you, and would be done again if they had the chance. The problem I had with “forgiveness” was my “definition” of the word was wrong!
My egg donor had raised me to believe that “forgiveness” means that we have to PRETEND IT DIDN’T HAPPEN, even though the person hadn’t repented, and would likely do it again, and then we had to “forgive” them AGAIN and AGAIN, 70 X 7—And if we didn’t accomplish this impossible task, then we would burn in God’s hell forever.
What I FINALLY came to realize was that her DEFINITION WAS WRONG. Forgiveness does NOT mean (to me) that we pretend it didn’t happen, or pretend that you are sorry or pretend that you won’t do it again….DUH!!!!
Well, once I realized that a NEW DEFINITION of “forgiveness” was in order, the one I came up with (and that met my interpretation of what the Bible teaches) is that
Forgiveness means to get the bitterness out of YOUR heart against the person(s) that abused you, but it does NOT mean that you also have to trust them or have a relationship with them, or that you PRETEND IT DIDN’T HAPPEN.
I also realized that once I reached the place of “forgiveness” that if I were to dwell on the bad things people have done to me, the bitterness would creep back into my heart. Now that doesn’t mean I “forget” that the person(s) have abused me, not at all, I just don’t go into a “poor me I got abused” pity mode, I just go NO contact with the person inside my head, I don’t rent them space to live inside my head, to take up my thoughts and my emotions. I reach that nirvana of indifference. I work to stay there by not going over and over all the nasty things they did to me or said to me inside my head. I think on more positive things.
So it is an on-going process…but it does get easier as you go! (((hugs)))
I agree with the definition of forgiveness. I believe knowledge is such an important tool for people who need healing (and who DOESN’T need healing of some sort). I was wrong in my general assumption of what a sociopath/psychopath was and in what forgiveness truly meant. Makes a person very humble when they have to wonder what else they were wrong about.
At least you can learn and grow once you’ve hit bottom because you’re STARVED for knowledge, understanding, support, and help. What better place to come then here, I say.
I can hear strength in the people on this forum, not weakness and confusion, self-loathing, etc. I can see how its a very real possibility that one can recover from a psychopath and come out better for it. It gives me immeasurable hope that I will not feel this low for the rest of my life. The posts have opened my eyes to so many new and wonderful revelations and I have found so much encouragement in the people who care enough to share what they know, I cannot say thank you enough. You are all truly God-sends!
Dear Woundlicker,
I suggest that you go to the archives, they are listed by category and start reading the articles, just for now, JUST the articles (leave the comments on the old articles for later) there are about 700 of them I think at last count, each 1-2 pages long. Read them, and some of them will “hit home” and some won’t mean so much to you right now, but later, that will “kick in” when you are farther along the healing road, and you’ll have an “ah ha” moment! I’ve been here going on 5 years and I still have “ah ha!” moments daily!
Learning is a continuing process not just a “do it and done” thing, and we continue to grow each day! There are some roller coaster moments as well when we hit a new low, or a new high, but over all the journey is upward and onward! This is a wonderful place and a godsend of information and support to help you heal! So just keep on reading and absorbing what fits that day’s need, and as you grow you will be able to absorb more information and help. The journey for healing starts out about them and ends up about US. It is physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual in nature, and is all about “finding meaning” after trauma! So be kind to yourself, forgive yourself and life will get better. I promise you that! (((hugs))) and my prayers as well.
woundlicker: you are doing wonderfully; welcome…
if you ever need someone to talk with, we are here and understand. I am praying for you…
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THANK YOU TRAVIS for sharing your ‘gift’.
On the subject of ‘forgiveness’ for “IT”….
I CAN feel and see and hear myself stepping past this in a huge way but I have locked my ‘forgiveness’ away in complacency instead. A typical PTSD symptom, as I am told…and I think that is fine. It is not my job to ‘forgive’ “IT”. Only GOD can ‘forgive’ “IT”. I cannot and never will. But what I CAN do is walk past “IT” with a greater sense of purpose and value and worth.
I am learning how to NOT allow the bitterness to overtake my life nor ruin it, although the “IT” keeps trying to barge in and ruin it for me. It just doesn’t work anymore. “IT” has been completely neutralized. What I see before me now is a life that I have no clue how to put back together at the age of 60! 🙁 But I do know that locking it out from my life was the absolute right thing to do or I would not be here, this moment, writing this. No, I do not believe forgiveness for it is required. I never shall so perhaps I am a challenge. 🙂
To me, ‘forgiveness’ is not required to heal from this.
I am ‘okay’ with that ‘unforgiveness’ for “IT” because of the overwhelming vile and purposely harmful things “IT” has done to me over the years and which I accepted having been conditioned so masterfully…forgiving myself? For what? For loving and for caring and for being kind and STUPID? We should never be ashamed nor feel ‘sorry’ or ‘stupid’ for ‘caring’….THEY are the ones who should be ashamed and feel sorry and stupid. Their lack of awareness of their selves is exactly the problem here, not our lack of forgiveness for them. I shall NEVER forgive it but I SHALL move on and forward with what life I have left. “Forgiveness” is not a requirement to heal from this. I have nothing to forgive myself for other than my stupidity. “IT” knows I shall never speak another word to “IT”, ever and I shall NEVER ‘forgive’ it. That is “ITS” beacon to deal with, not mine.
I do not believe ‘forgiveness’ for “IT” is necessary nor required to ‘heal’ from this. There is no way I CAN ever forgive “IT”. Not and stay true to myself.
I am sooooo eager to join your course Travis and I appreciate you so much for being here, contributing to all of our lives. We are all collectively such an amazingly strong force, you would think the devil would have ran away by now; hm?
Woundlicker: welcome to our understanding group. LoveFraud walked me OUT OF AND PAST a complete state of dysfunction, mentally, emotionally and physically. I have sudden heart failure disease now and was told 95% was due to the stress in my life. So, when the decision came to go NC 8 months ago, it truly was, in more ways than one, necessary for my survival.
LoveFraud is the “HEALING PLACE”. 🙂
Like Donna and Joyce, too – they are the global huggers. 🙂
*Happiest of New Year’s to you all…
May we find the peace and acceptance we need this New Year.
*GROUP HUG*
Dupey
Dupey,
I am so sorry that you’ve suffered such severe health issues. Good for you for recognizing the need to focus on peace and acceptance.
Forgiveness always seemed impossible for me to consider, because I also thought it meant denying that past events never happened. Pretending that everything that happened was “normal” seemed like lying!…and I refused to live in denial…just to make everything and everyone around me seem acceptable. Many things that happened, were said, or were done to me were not even a little bit acceptable to me, so I would not forgive…I would not let anyone off the hook…not even myself!
I’ve learned to forgive myself for obsessing that past could ever have have been any different. I could not have done anything differently that would have changed events that happened. I need to forgive myself for believing that things might have been better…because I was not God…I could not control others behaviors…still can’t.
Accepting that I could not rewrite past history has allowed me to understand that the past can never be changed…only accepted for what it was. I forgave myself for thinking that I could have rewritten history and made things better for myself and others..if only I’d…if only…
To me, forgiveness means accepting that the past could not have been any different that what it was. I accept what was and forgive myself for thinking that I could have been responsible for controlling others actions. I do not deny the past and do not dwell on thoughts that it could have been changed by me.
This is just my perspective of forgiveness.
WWII happened…we can’t deny the war happened…now let’s learn from those terrible events and create a better future (so to speak) for ourselves.
Thanks IM for your condolences. I am surprisingly doing very well and it has somewhat ‘stabilized’ but that’s how it works…
Yah, my whole life, healthier than anything=add one evil spath and almost lost my life THAT time, not to mention a couple of other times along with all the death threats, etc. – it’s been an out of control ride the past 10 years I have known this “THING”….
Every evil thing you could possibly conceive things being, they were. It was only my persistence that has kept me alive. And that is a straight up fact. There is a lot of back up behind me too. I see the ‘paper trail’ and criminal record growing and compiling constantly. The authorities will wait until someone is murdered or GOD FORBID a string and then they will intervene? Yah, right. Sure they will NOT. I mean, they WILL back you up and save your life if necessary but to make “IT” do anything about itself…nope…and that is because WE ALL HAVE CHOICE.
That is something we have to accept: that is their choice to be the way they are. If they are cruel from afar, don’t allow them near and I have never allowed it right up too close and personally involved in my life and for that I was hated and targeted…because I AM STRONGER than “IT” and “IT” knows I am…
I am completely protected and shielded by the law in all ways conceivable and IT knows it. YES: FOCUS. That dawned on me the other day, that I was completely forgetting to FOCUS my thoughts when the need arises. Like keeping a leather shoe polished… 🙂
When you FOCUS you realize how strong you truly are.
There will never be forgiveness for him, from me. I absolutely mean I shall never forgive him. I won’t let hate devour my life but I don’t feel it is my place to forgive him and I am not. I never will as long as I live. THAT has become a virtuous thread now within my being, indiscernible as anything other than an instantaneous reaction on my behalf anymore. I just know myself and I don’t believe my forgiveness of “IT” is holding up any healing in my life. It is not my place to forgive him for being the way he is. IT IS my place to recognize who I am and my value and my worth and to stay away from “IT”. To forsake it and to banish it from my life. THAT is my place. Not forgiveness.
Yes, trying to forgive myself for ruminating the past five years. For allowing this to steal and rob what little life I have left in this world. I so hate him for the things he has stolen from me but not to the point that it chews up what little I have left. Of life, I mean. At least I am starting to taste, feel, breathe and ‘chill’ now for the first time in ten years and only two weeks ago, it threw a ball of fire at me…trying to barge in again…trying to LOVEBOMB only once more, unbelievable!!!!
Yes, the past could have been different. It is different than the way “IT” planned it all to be. “I” made it different by making choices in what I think and believe and value and what I consider acceptable behavior and non acceptable behavior and when a person tries to intentionally harm you and you realize it, that is somehow completely unacceptable to me. There is no understanding that; no reconciling that…that pretty much speaks for itself………When all you have been guilty of is loving and caring. But that is the poison the bite from that scorpion has left inside our veins…it is up to US to treat the wound and to administer the proper medications and care to save ourselves.
I am resilient and strong – more resilient and more strong than “IT” could ever only dream of being. For me, it’s very difficult to see a future, considering my medical condition, but, the NOW in peace and quiet is pretty good, actually. 😉 8 months of complete peace, despite ITS intrusions. And I am still holding strong and am resolved and I feel sort of like I may do a little ‘time warp’- time travel kind of thing at the stroke of midnight; ahahahaha – if I don’t return, I went to find SPOCK. 🙂
What was, was meant to be or it would not have been.
What is, is the way it is for a purpose and reason.
What will come is what we allow it to be.
*Hug to you IMconfused*
Happy New Year.
MY SINCERE APOLOGIES, BUT THERE WAS IN ISSUE WITH REGISTRATION FOR A COURSE IN FORGIVING FROM MY WEBSITE. IF YOU REGISTERED FOR THE COURSE OR ARE INTERESTED IN JOINING US, PLEASE REGISTER AGAIN AT http://www.victorythroughpeace.com.
I will be posting this again the next two weeks. Beginning the new year asking for forgiveness…kind of funny! Peace