Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
There are times when I feel completely lost in all this pain, with no way out. It is as if I have been completely abandoned in a world full of hurt. There seems to be no one, or no thing, that I can trust anymore. All of the things that I used to enjoy only bring me temporary relief, at best. My mind obsesses about what happened, what could have been, and what misery the future holds. It feels as though my very life has been taken from me. Hopelessness has become my home, and fear my constant companion.
If you recognize this state of mind, “you are not alone”. I found Hope is these simple words, and today, believe that hope is the single greatest gift that one person can provide to another. The reason these words were so comforting to me is because those that said it, did so from a place that I was seeking. That place was peace and happiness. I thought I would never experience peace and happiness again, but there it was in front of me. It was being offered by people that had been to the Hell that I described above and knew the way out. The result was Hope.
And what is Hope after all? Hope is the belief that we can overcome whatever tragedy or suffering that is in our lives at the current moment.
The past few postings here have presented some of the Spiritual concepts that lead to peace, but this week we will talk about the key to freedom and offer a way out, if interested. The key to Peace, and the invitation for a Miracle, resides in one of the simplest, yet most misunderstood of all spiritual teachings. This misunderstanding makes this simple step one of the most difficult ever taken, but by far, the most meaningful. The only way to overcome the past, is to let it go.
Our freedom resides in our willingness and ability to Forgive.
Forgive is one of the most misunderstood words in the English language. In fact, many people are “put off” by the very idea and recoil from the suggestion because of what they “think” forgiveness means. The act of forgiveness does not release the perpetrator from responsibility for their crimes, nor condone the behavior. Forgiving the perpetrator does NOT mean we trust them, or like them. Forgiveness is about Letting Go, a process that releases us from another’s destructive hold over our lives.
Many of us understand why forgiveness is important and the profound affects that it can have on our lives and the lives of those around us, but few know how to do it. Most, however, know very little about the sometimes devastating physical illnesses and damaged relationships that are caused by our inability to let go of the past.
It took me a tremendous amount of suffering before I recognized that my past was poisoning the current moment, all of my relationships, and robbing me of my Peace of mind. Without knowing it, I was using my past to harm me, and those I loved. Finally, it became so painful that I decided to stop bludgeoning myself to death and try something different. It turned out to be just The Miracle that I was looking for.
When I started this series my hope was that I could offer the step by step process of letting go through this blog, but although simple, it is not that easy. Our culture today promises everything in an instant, as if that is the solution to our problems. This often creates an expectation that suggests immediate results. This leads to more discouragement and compounds the original mistake, by adding a feeling of unworthiness and failure. The process of letting go requires willingness, sharing, and a commitment to get free that most are not yet willing to accept.
I will continue to write weekly here, but for those that are interested and willing to go more deeply into the process of letting go, please join A Course In Forgiving (begins January 19, 2012). I did not come here to promote The Course, but to offer it to those that feel moved to do something more about the pain in their lives.
This Course is designed to guide participants through the Step by Step Spiritual Process of Letting Go with weekly lessons, readings and exercises that are intended to open the pathway to healing and Peace. If you would like to donate up to $25.00 for the six week online course, thank you, but please do not feel obligated to pay for The Course.
If interested, please visit www.victorythroughpeace.com and click the link in the left hand column titled “Six Week Course Online”. For those that participate, I will be available by phone and email to share experience in addition to this weekly blog on Lovefraud.
Peace.
woundlicker, I think we all are stuck at certain points in our individual healing journeys. I have been in a pretty dark, too.
I see a couple of places that I am stuck; and one of the biggest walls i need to bash through at this time is the one that keeps me from believing in myself and liking myself again. i need to find my way to that soft spot within myself where i am at peace with where i am and where i can dare to envision a different future. futility is still too close an acquaintance (although not hugged. everything is better if we hug it – (‘cept spaths)) and meaning in life is still elusive. BUT, i am bloody well trying.
Greetings and Gratitude to LF and all the wonderful articles and posters.
This post really spoke to me on many levels, in many ways. As I was reading all the posts, I was thinking about my past, and I realized that I have forgiveness in my heart for my spath ex’s (3 of them) abuse, except for one act that I feel in every fibre of my being as UNforgiveable (My kids sperm doner raped them while I was away at my dads death bed) while reading and thinking, I had a “wow” moment, and realized i haven’t given myself the same level of forgiveness as i had to the abusers in my life. Forgiveness isn’t a one off process it’s an ongoing process and i now see I have much work to do on Me for Me. Blessings to all 🙂
Dear Dragonleigh,
Welcome, and I agree with you totally, forgiveness is NOT a one off process, but an ongoing process….and it isn’t how vile the crime is, even the most vile crime can be “forgiven” if you look at forgiveness as “getting the bitterness out of your own heart” it does NOT mean that what they did was in any way OK, but we cannot hold on to that BITTERNESS without it eating US like a cancer, or a tumor, or acid, or poison. Forgiveness FREES US, not the bad guy!
Freeing ourselves from the bitterness against them is important, but also freeing ourselves from the bitterness against OURSELVES is also a difficult and on-going fight! Forgiving MYSELF for “being so stoooopid!” for “going along with them” for “letting them do it over and over again” for “not seeing it sooner” and so on. THAT was difficult, IS DIFFICULT, but I will continually work on it.
Blessings to you too, and God bless. (((Hugs)))
I struggled so much from being pressured to forgive, particulary from people with a Christian background and especially since the P and the S are members of my family, that one day I finally decided to find out what the Bible had to say on the subject.
After a lot of reading, it came down to this – according to the Bible, forgiveness comes AFTER the perpetrator (sinner) has fully recognized how the victim has suffered and expressed genuine regret for his or her actions, i.e., the pain of somebody else. Out of this insight and regret, the perpetrator sincerely resolves not to harm again. The request for forgiveness will be sincere. Under those circumstances, how can somebody not forgive?
That rules out psychopaths.
I now use this information, if somebody suggests that I need to forgive, to make a statement something like this, modifying it, of course, to the circumstances and individual:
…..I cannot forgive if the person has expressed no regret. There is nothing to forgive. Regret has to come first and without any regret, what is any different?
What I can do, and I have done, is accept that people are where they are. Some people enjoy hurting others and there is nothing that I can do to change them.
If by “forgiveness,” you mean that you would like to see me empowered, I think I have done that. I have released them and moved on with my life. I have accepted the incident and the person for being the kind of person he or she has shown themselves to be. I do not try to force them to be somebody that they are not.
I know that I did not deserve the abuse because nobody deserves to be abused, therefore, nobody is entitled to abuse.
I prefer to reserve “forgiveness” for the people who sincerely regret the hurt they have caused and have resolved their best not to do that again. I forgive gladly, quickly, and willingly in those cases. It’s just with this particular person, until there is some demonstration of sincere regret, there is nothing to forgive. I am with you; I would like to see things between us as bettered, but apparently, at least for right now, that wish isn’t shared by the other side.
Actually, what I would be doing, if I were to “forgive” without any sincere regret on the part of the perpetrator, is participating in the abuse cycle. The cycle needs two people, and it continues because the victim repeatedly believes the apologies and takes the abuser back. Studies have shown that the only way that the abuse cycle is broken is when the victim gets out of it because the perpetrator has no incentive to change. Perpetrators like the arrangement; it is a position of power for them to bully and abuse. I cannot envision anyone expecting me to continue to put myself in harms way. For the sake of my welfare and sanity, I had to get out of it…..
I agree with Travis. “Forgiveness” is a much misunderstood and overused word.
G1S, to me “forgiveness” does NOT include restoring TRUST or a RELATIONSHIP. I also read the Bible and looked at the story of Joseph, whose brothers sold him into slavery…..when he recognized them,, he did NOT immediately open his arms to them and embrace them, restoring a relationship with them. The story indicates that he had realized that he had a purpose in Egypt and had apparently gotten over the bitterness he had held toward what his brothers had done to him.
HE TESTED THEM PRETTY HARSHLY to see what kind of men they had become in the 20-30 years since he had seen them. He saw by his testing that they did REGRET what they had done to cause his father pain, and that they would in fact NOW sacrifice themselves to save Benjamin and save their father more pain for losing the only remaining (that he knew about) son from his beloved wife. So those men were TESTED and shown to have repented and become better men BEFORE he restored a relationship with them.
So I think you and I are talking about the same thing….I do NOT restore a relationship with someone who is not willing to admit what they did was wrong, promise and show that they are not going to do it again, and aware of the hurt they have done. IN other words, they have repented. THEN and only then can or will I restore a relationship. TRUST has to be EARNED and once earned and betrayed, it is difficult to be restored.
G1S – Thank you for your truly eloquent statement. Many sociopaths, and their enablers, use so-called religious teachings to browbeat victims into “forgiving,” and the bad behavior continues. Your explanation and analysis can be very helpful for people who know that something isn’t right, but feel conflicted because of their religious values.
Dear Ox Drover, thank you so much for the warm welcome to this lovely space.
Your words and observations are always so spot on, ‘a difficult and on-going fight!’, this is so true for me. It seems like it’s not only a on-going fight for Forgiveness but a fight for Peace, Safety,joy and recovery as well. Like you and every other here I will continue to work on it as well.
Blessings to all 🙂
Travis: I am sure I speak for us all when I say that we forgive you but that was very ‘smiley’….thanks. 🙂
I cannot see myself ever forgiving this monster.
I do not believe my forgiveness of “IT” is required to heal from this. In fact, it is that ‘steadfastness’ and ‘perseverance’ that I think springs-forth HOPE sometimes.
Let me explain like this: if someone is ‘peeling the skin’ off your body and they are leaving you lay there while you watch them trying it on, do you FORGIVE “THAT”? No. Certainly not. What you DO “DO” is get away from it and educate yourself and train yourself and discipline yourself to STAY AWAY FROM IT.
It does not take MY HEAD ending up in “ITS” freezer to realize where this situation with “IT” was headed. I am straight up SERIOUS about this folks.
I can forgive MYSELF…for allowing my kindnesses to become weaknesses. In fact, “IT” taunted me once:
“You know how difficult a time you have getting over men…you will always love me and want me around you…you are a whore, like all the rest; you will always let me back.” Kind of difficult to forgive all that; isn’t it?
But, yes, I believe we can forgive OURSELVES for a whole lot. I forgive myself for being deceived and for trusting someone I used to think was my best friend in the world. And pretended to be so for a great many years. Someone I used to trust was intentionally trying to harm me. I forgive myself for allowing my life to be raped away from me. Only by the Graces of the Angels, I have another shot at this life and IT is NOT getting it. Do you guys hear me?? 🙂
I WILL NEVER FORGIVE IT. NEVER.
And I have told it so, many times.
DRAGONLEIGH: yes, ongoing struggle but it does culminate. The Disney World ride that has been spinning within us eventually starts to slow down…then comes that acceptance. It is resounding and it was a rough landing but when you educate yourself, it softens all the blows. When you look and seek and find explanations and answers for the unexplainable…
That is something they aren’t doing – they like how they are or they would change it. Remorse and repentance can be so feigned. Trust me, I became a master at recognizing the ‘mocking’ gestures of “IAM SORRY”. I still am. I wish not to be antisocial to anyone but I am not leaving my life open ever again for this kind of ‘roadshow’. Trust me. WITH SPATHS remorse and repentance does not exist. Because in their minds, they think WE ARE the crazy ones for not being LIKE THEM. Just think about that…it’s true.
I wish you all the very best in this New Year.
Happy Day to Everyone = thanks again Travis.
Dupey
I do NOT FORGIVE my EX husband. If I think of him or if he were here in front of me, I would tell him to “GET BEHIND ME SATAN.” (I have looked up all the examples in the bible where God or Jesus forgave Satan. Maybe I missed those parts???) I turned over ANY forgiveness of my EX husband to GOD.
What I HAVE done is understood my EX Husband’s EVILNESS, and what was done to me by him and by others because of him, and how I got sucked into giving up my life for that EVIL. My EDUCATION solidified my determination to be FREE of him. That means FREE of his control of me and FREE of emotions towards him. I don’t wish for anything to be different between us. I have what I desire, HE is BEHIND ME.
I have no use for people who judge me and condemn me for not “forgiving” b/c they say I can’t move on unless I do. That’s only true in their world. I turn those kind of people over to God to deal with too.
In MY world, I have moved on. My soul is so FREE, I feel light and joyous and connected to my Lord God. I forgave myself AFTER I understood my wrongdoing, it was IMPOSSIBLE to do when I did NOT UNDERSTAND. And b/c I have “MOVED ON”, I leave behind ALL contempt and condemnation of me. My soul belongs to God, not human oppressors. Free Free Free Free Free Free Free Free Free La lal lala la. Dance Happy Happy Dance. Blessed Blessed Blessed. I am so Blessed and that makes me so happy. Happy. Joy in God. Peace to all.
KatyDid: I love it! Thanks so much for validating me.
Yes, we have moved past that turning point…
Your words so resonate with me…truly…
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU..
YAYYY!!!!
*BIG HUGS KATYDID*
Dupey