By Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW, located in Bernardsville, New Jersey
Last summer I got a support group off the ground comprised of clients, all of whom had been in a relationship with a narcissist, sociopath, psychopath or combination thereof. The reason I began the group is because, first of all, there appears to be an epidemic out there of conscience-free people who are destroying the lives of their partners. Just in my practice there were enough clients to start a group. Now there are many others.
“Nobody heals alone”
The other reason is that I understand and believe in the power of support groups. I heard an interesting quote last year in a workshop: “Nobody heals alone”. This is based on findings in neuroscience around the growth of mirror neurons. Mirror neurons form in the brain when we are infants and children from the interaction we have with our caretakers. When our caretakers are “attuned” to us, mirror neurons “mirror” that atonement. The implications are that we are taking in what we’re being shown — (hopefully) the feeling of love and attachment. This feeling of atonement creates a sense of safety and security, a sense of ourselves, and even a moral sense, because in it is based on the shared emotional connection.
Healing occurs when someone “gets it”
Later in life we can still grow these mirror neurons when we experience attunement of others to us. This has been found to aid greatly in emotional healing. We all know how it helps us to process our emotion and how soothing it is just when someone “gets” us. It seems perhaps that since we are social creatures, the way to heal is through social connection. Having a good friend, therapist, or healer can create this experience.
How much more so by walking into a room with many people who are struggling with or have been through the same thing? The “get” factor is tremendous — especially in the unique situation of being with a sociopath. Few really understand except those who have been through it, and few understand the Post Traumatic Stress associated with it.
Relief through sharing
Participants in our group generally experience a huge sense of relief just being there in the same room together. People share their current or past struggles, and are guaranteed understanding and feedback from others’ experiences to cope with the PTSD issues, the separation or divorce issues, the children issues, the no-contact struggle, the fears and the victories, not to mention information to gain clarity. Since getting emotional support appears critical to everyone, I hope to incorporate separate meetings to do various healing techniques to help along the healing process.
Join the group
If anyone is in the Central/Northern New Jersey area, please feel free to contact me about attending our group. You can also join by going to Meetup.com and searching for “Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths & Psychopaths” (make sure you search the proper distance around the area to include your town). Meetup sends out continual alerts and updates regarding the group.
When I get a few interested people, I hold a live online support group on the group website:
www.destructiverelationshipshelp.com
So if you are interested in this, please go to the website and fill in the contact form, and state that you would like to participate in an online group. If you need the support — no matter if you’re in the thick of the relationship and ambivalent about being there or left it 20 years ago — you are welcome!
Mary Ann, I applaud you for starting this extremely important support group. I have found that very few therapist know the true extent of narcissistic/sociopathic abuse or even know what it is, so it’s wonderful to see that there is support for all of the victims in your area.
I agree that it really does help to have a group of individuals to talk with who truly know what you endured. I have to admit that prior to marrying a sociopath I was like the rest of society wondering why two people could not logically make their marriage work, why a women would continue to be emotionally connected to an ex, and why it took someone so long to leave a abusive relationship. Sadly I like many others have found the answers to these questions = you were in a relationship with a sociopath/psychopath/narcissist…I see the world so differently, I see victims and abusers so differently now but most importantly I now know my gut was always correct about people and that you must always follow your gut.
After several attempts at marriage counseling where my ex h manipulated the counselors like he did with everyone I finally escaped (more like crawled away from) the marriage. I drove 3000 miles away from him and within weeks I was lucky enough to have found a counselor who knew exactly what I had endured within 20 mins of our first conversation. I also went to my local domestic abuse center for women group meetings. The first meeting I sat in the parking lot crying out side the building…thinking how did I get to this point…why did I not leave sooner, why did I not listen to my gut from the second I met him, it took all my might to leave my shame and embarrassment in the parking lot and go into the building. But it was one the most important step in my healing process that I did.
At the first women group meeting there were approximately 40 women each telling their personal story…when it was my time I could not utter any words except that I could not tell my story yet…I felt if I did I would just break down sobbing. What was the most important thing that I took away? the fact that all of the women had endured exactly what I endured just varying in degree. This opened my mind…it also gave me the sense that I was no longer alone in my pain and it also gave me the understanding that yes I was in a very emotional, mental and verbal and sometimes physical abusive relationship. You can sit on the couch with a therapist and have them tell you that you are being abused or were abused but it really does not sink in like when 40 women are sharing their abuse stories that are similar to yours.
The only thing that truly saddens me to this day is the domestic abuse center never talked about “narcisisistic” or “sociopathic” abuse…they just called it abuse. If women were truly educated from day one when they go to their local abuse center I believe that they would not return to their abuser again…I have read that a victims of abuse returns to her abuser on average 7 to 9 times. I look back and everyday I wanted to leave my ex h…but he had my mind so twisted up and throw in the fact that you hear from society that “marriage is hard work, you must work at marraiage” and their manipulative words l like many victims keep returning when I would leave my abusive husband. Had I been given the education about who abusers really are and that yes I was in a abusive marriage I would have left sooner but most importantly I would not have gone back to him.
One of the books that really gave me understanding about mind control that my ex h had me under and that domestic abusers are exactly like cult leaders was the book Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan (his site is freedomofmind.com). It may help your groups out too.
The other thing that was part of my healing process was learning that a big aspect of PTSD is adrenal fatigue…and that you must heal your adrenal glands to truly heal PTSD. Check out the sites drwilsonadrenalfatigue.org, drlam.com, mialunin.com (read her book)…the biggest aspects of adrenal fatigue are high levels of cortisol (fight or flight response mode), vitamin/mineral deficiency and hormonal imbalance…are all out of balance because of the continual stress that abuser creates on a daily bases. A hormonal specialist is needed to balance the victims hormones again and a good clean diet such as Dr Fuhrman’s Eat to live..Dr Fuhrman office is in Hunderdon Medical Center (Hospital) Flemington, NJ…his website if Drfuhrman.com and google “Dr Fuhrman PBS you tube’ to see his pbs special on how food heals the body..his methods really do work wonders and he is a good guy too.
I am wondering if you have contacted your area’s women abuse centers to offer these group meetings to their victims…I really think what you are doing is vitally important for abuse victims as it seems that what you are doing by educating victims is not taught at the abuse centers themselves.
Thank you again for what you are doing to heal so many victims of domestic abuse.
I just logged into this chat. Wow. I am seeing great conversations about the agonizing process of “recovery.”
I wanted to respond to your comment about domestic abuse centers and the banning of the “n” word, “p word and the “s” word. Narcissist, psychopath and sociopath.
I have been attempting for the last three years to work for one of my two local domestic abuse centers to no avail. Recently, I reached out to a local domestic assault team that does community service work AND educates women about abusive relationships. When they advised me that one of the domestic abuse centers director was on their Board – I had to tell her that I had been “ignored” by this director with my efforts to volunteer.
Why you ask? The reason is that NO domestic abuse center is ready and prepared to come into the 21st century of neuroscience. They still live somewhere in the 1970s when it comes to abusive relationships. I had one of them tell me a couple of years ago that if they spoke of “mental” issues then we would be giving abusers a “pass” in the legal system.
I say poppycock! Instead, our domestic abuse centers will tout the theory that “abuse” is caused by a patriarchal culture and “violent” video games. Right. They perpetuate this babble for two reasons.
1. MANY involved within the domestic abuse community are DISORDERED THEMSELVES! That’s right! So many of these women are MARRIED to one of these bubble heads we like to call ABUSVIVE or buy into irrational thinking about the cause of abuse.
2. Fear. They fear changing their world. Of course, this epitomizes selfishness, but I find this to be a level of ignorance RAMPANT within the psycho therapy community. I have YET to find a therapist that even KNOWS neuroscience or one that wants to LEARN. They live in the past and rather like it there.
I will continue to write and speak to women about abuse. I have no intention of falling in line with the antiquated ideas of abuse that so many rant about on facebook, twitter or whatever.
I salute all women that have the courage to stand up and speak THEIR truth!
Brava to all of you! NEVER GIVE UP!
I am really interested in the online support group.I hope others sign up. I am not in the area and can’t seem to find anything in my area. I am finding it so difficult to talk to people that really can’t understand.
Hi, I am very interested in the online support group as well. As the UK is doing, it’d be so great if the US would look more seriously at illegalizing emotional abuse.
I’ve been getting this for my 3.5 years short yet so too long, from both my narc/socio (unsure) husband and his [I think] p-spath ex wife. Maybe my husband is still addicted to the p-spath ex, and takes her side while she, her husband, and his mom, dad, children, issue abuse toward me while he watches them and takes their side (names, refusing to talk to me, threatening me, lying to the community about me, my husband lying to his ex wife to put me down, downright refusing to teach his children why lying is bad or to give any consequence for this, nor for names, or breaking commitments–bonkers in my mind). It’s killer watching them raise another generation of abuse, though I’m glad the kids totally watch me while I pipe up about my requiring respect and about my feeling isolated by people refusing to talk to me, and about feeling hurt being called names, hopefully something sticks for them maybe once they start being abused, though they are not my concern any longer given my abuse is all both their parents will issue me, no connecting w me by either parent, and no ever keeping his word by my husband who is too afraid of being a man w me potentially afraid that that will anger his ex, who he still keeps all agreements to do whatever she beckons, even while she lies about needing his help, and about why she needs to have the kids for his custody days. He refuses to be a man to me [in all ways], that’s for sure. And to be kind over disrespectful, of course all while making no sense saying I’m abusively calling him abusive. I wish I had family in the area, I’ve been stereotypically isolated and abused. Abuse shelters long term are hard to get into, I wish there were hotels for this, with job-finding help (of course the husband asked me to stay home w his kids, all til his ex wife demanded I get a job then he is screaming at me to get a job). Yes I need to leave, I wish it were easier without support. I start to see why not telling the spaths any truth about yourself is the only way. I hate it here, and feel… so isolated and without resources. I just need to launch myself out by myself to somewhere where I know no one. There should be AA mtgs for folks in these/our situations so there are safe, supportive places in every city!
Yes, folks I talk to about this don’t understand it except to say that the husband, and his ex, are mean. The most I can do is to say these things to folks around me, neighbors and to folks my husband works with, and hope he’ll grow a conscience, though he has not so far, not even to protect my truth-telling mouth about his juvenile and abusive behaviors. Anyway, I would love to take part in the online version of your support group, or in your live meetings via skype. Please let me know if you’re able to respond privately, I’ll also check out your web site. Thank you so much.
Good morning. Newstepmom, I echo everything that Jan7 has expressed about having a “plan” and seeking support.
Most women in these volatile marriages/relationships live in situations similar to prisoner of war camps! The importance of education and creating a plan of escape from this “hell” on earth is critical.
I would also support buying a book written by Sandra L Brown entitled “Women Who Love Psychopaths”. I am sure you can buy it online. Be careful if you make this choice.
This book was my bible for the first year after my separation from my psychopath. It not only provided necessary neuroscience information about the human being (sic) you are dealing with, but also the traits that you have that have attracted and now stuck with this individual. Another helpful book is entitle “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft.
Please reach out to the women on this page for support. We are here for you always!
All the best!
Newstepmom
If he is not getting his kids, why do you care? They are abusive to you, right? It’s his problem not yours. So do not worry about if he gets his kids or not. Worry about yourself at this point.
Hi Newstepmom, reading your post breaks my heart that you are still with your abuser.
First I want to tell you that your husband is triangulating you against his ex wife and vise versa to control both of you and to prevent both of you from comparing notes about his behavior and to get both of you to do what he wants. This is classic sociopathic control technique.
Google “sociopath triangulation” and “narcissist triangulation’ to read up on this abusive manipulation.
You need to educate yourself on how sociopaths mind control their victims to prevent the victim from leaving them.
Google: “gas lighting abuse” and “no contact rule narcissist”
I would highly recommend that you go NOW to your local abuse center for free counseling and free women group meetings this will help you to free your mind. DO NOT tell your husband you are doing this for your safety.
Also ask the counselor for an EXIT PLAN to help you out of your abusive marriage and google “Dr Phil Exit Plan”, “EXIT PLAN domestic abuse”, “Exit Plan you tube”. Remember the most dangerous time out of a domestic abusive relationship is when the women leaves so you must have a Exit Plan to keep you safe.
Sociopaths are the Dictators, cult leaders, child molesters, serial rapist, drug dealers, pimps and domestic abusers of the world = they are all narcissist/sociopath narcissist/psychopath narcissist = they are all the same and all use the same techniques to control people. Dont try to figure out what your husbands mental disorder is as it really does not matter, what matters is he is abusive and you need to leave him.
Your husband is never going to change for the better but he will get more abuser as time goes on. Talk to his ex wife about triangulation and also why she divorced him…i think you will find your story and her story will be extremely similar. Think of your husband as a cult leader and then you will understand why you not only need to leave him but you also need help out of this relationship and most importantly need help in opening up your mind from his brain washing.
Your husband like all of these evil people is using mind control, brain washing, gas lighting abuse, reward and punishment, isolation, manipulation, lying, love bombing etc to control you so you must educate yourself on these things to open your mind up to “YES I am in a abusive relationship and I need to leave”.
I am going to tell you that you should get a job now…let your husband and his ex wife figure out how THEY are going to take care of their kids…..YOU take care of yourself and worry about how to leave your abuser.
google “the sociopath next door by Martha Stout you tube” and listen to the audio version of this book for free.
Also read Donna’s books and read everything Donna has at the top of this site and watch there excellent videos…plus see lisascott.com the path forward surviving a narcissist, psychopathyawareness.blogspot.com, freedomofmind.com, after narcissist abuse there is light, life & love, baggage reclaim (this is a UK site contact them to see if there is a support site in your area they also have a facebook page)
Dont waste anymore of your life with this evil man. I wasted 14 years of my life with my ex h and he will never change…my regret is that I did not listen to my gut from day one when I met him and that I did not leave my marriage sooner.
YOu should be very proud of yourself for coming here and posting your story that is a huge step in the right direction for your new freedom life with your abuser.
Take care
Hi Jan7, gosh thank you for all these additional resources, I really appreciate that. Yes, my concentration currently is on my getting a job! The ex wife however refuses to speak with me, and that has been her wacko-ness/child abuse from the beginning, hence my guess that she’s the p-spath, my husband her narc support (societal approval + my husband’s money was her support til it was gone, then she destroyed her boss’ marriage and married him and now feeds off his ceo-pay; it’s a soap-opera over here). I’ve always voiced my observations out loud to both of them, so neither of them tell me the truth, and my husband’s ex even blocks the driveway with a truck facing out if she knows I’m going to drop off her own kids so they need to trek up a long driveway in snow. Their kids will def have a hard time in life, and yes, I know they are not my responsibility nor am I taking them as such. If I’m in the area though, I make sure to voice things bc otherwise this is swept under the carpet by every other of their relatives. I’m on my way out though, and my resolve will not weaken; I’m too decent a person to allow myself to become these folks. I set up my own agreements with myself to ensure that, and check them daily.
Thank you so much for your references though. I’ve read most of the books, but I appreciate the UK site and your feedback. Thank you… it is super hard to find people who understand the incessant crazy-making; only one book out about it. I have found a few folks who have encountered this in their lives though. It would be great for any people here to write some book/s on effective ways to deal with it. I recently read a good one, Taming Your Gremlin, which from what I hear about many abuse victims is they will blame themselves, which this book can help you un-do very directedly. I don’t blame myself for my husband’s or his ex’s abuse of me or their kids, even while they blame me for this kids’ being cruel to me, but I do have doubts about my abilities internally, and this has helped with those. Another good one is Positive Intelligence, on the same subject (even though its title sounds totally different). Thank you again! 🙂
Hi Newstepmom,
Sociopaths suck you into their tornado of destruction so quickly dont they, even though you know that you need to get out they have your mind so twisted up with lies, manipulation, gas lighting abuse, triangulation etc…it’s very hard to just walk out of their tornado too.
For me one of the biggest factors of not leaving sooner was the fact my ex h literally had me so mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted…this was all intentional on his behalf to keep me from leaving him or thinking on my own with out his input or control.
Sociopaths want you worn out because it is easier for them to control their victims. It’s great that you see his and his ex wives behavior…I saw my husbands behavior clear too…but what I did not do was disengage from his behavior meaning I should have not allowed him to suck me into his triangulation of others, or his manipulation…what I needed to do more then I was doing was slowly without him noticing started doing things for me only to escape from him, I wanted to everyday but did not have the strength to go through with it. Slowly tell him that you wont be able to drive his kids to ie their mothers, a soccer game etc…slowly step away.
This is what I am encouraging you to do now…dont engage with him and his ex wife children’s affair step out of their family tornado of chaos and drama…just laugh in your head and thank your luck stars that you dont have to deal with their tornado learn to bit your tongue because it does not help to vent your frustrations to them since nothing has changed with them . When you start to do this You will see a big change in your stress level and with your new focus of you when you stop trying to make everything peaceful in your home or right…there is no peace with a sociopath or any one they are getting supply from they will never do things normal either or logical. Also every victim has to stop solving the sociopaths problems they are grown adults who need to deal with their own issues ie your husband needs to take care of his children’s needs. A lot of times a sociopath will quickly remarry because they want control over the children from their ex but they dont want to take care of the kids this is why they remarry so the new wife can take care of his children.
My ex husband has everyone from friends, to family, co workers solving his problems…but he does it to control everyone and monopolize their time so they dont have an outside life from his control! He loves that everyone is at his beck and call. Sound like your ex is doing this too. Sociopaths no that good people feel good about helping others but the sociopaths will push the victims to having a “addiction” to helping the sociopath…its a brain chemical that is released much like when a dog is trained to fetch a ball.
Work on your exit plan out of this marriage and everyday do something on the list so that you can leave him. You will see that your mind will open up and you will realize that because you were trying to have a happy, loving home with a crazy man you forgot to focus on you but you will also notice that you forgot that their is a whole outside world that you had to let go of because you were engaged to deeply into your husband tornado of activity.
The other thing is most target victims of sociopaths are people that will step in and help out…help solve problems…this is one of the things sociopaths love of their victims…they love that they can push other people into the bull pin to fight their battles while they sit back and watch in their minds “the fun game” they created or they love that other people are doing their daily chores or taking care of their children while they do what every they want…
once you recognize everything is a mind game to them then you will stop engaging in their manipulative ways. It’s a conscience decision, when around them you must always be mindful (in the moment) and not give them an answer to their needs right away ie he says “I need to to drive the kids to where every”…you tell him well I will have to think about it or say NO I cant because I have things that I need to get done. When you start to do this You will start to see how very manipulative he really is with you….you will see him using Pity play, gas lighting, blame shift, guilt etc to get you to do what he wants done. My husband would run into the room in the morning and need “help” finding what ever he lost…he lost everything and always needed help…at the end I just told him “I have a hard enough time keeping track of my own things so you will need to keep track of your things by yourself”….I said this continuously and refused to help look for what ever he needed guess what eventually he caught on that Iwas not going to help him…once I left I realized he never really lost anything but he wanted to control my morning and he wanted me stressed before I went to work = to control me.
Thank you also for your book suggestions…I want to pass a book on my counselor gave me called Women who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown she interviewed 75 victims and it really gives a excellent descriptive of how the sociopath/psychopath manipulates, controls, abusers their victims and there are also stories from victims.
Newstepmom,
Try to get out while you still have the energy from righteous anger. It is easy to lose that and lose confidence and find it much harder to go.
On internalizing, one book I found very helpful is the book on shame by Brene Brown. We all have been pushed into behaving in ways we wish we did not and we all have suffered a hit to self-esteem.
Here is a link to her video on shame at a TED talk. http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame
and another one on how vulnerability helps open us up again, here at http://blog.ted.com/2012/03/16/being-vulnerable-about-vulnerability-qa-with-brene-brown/
Yes your right the kids are going to have a hard time in life, they have 2 dysfunctional parents it sounds like. BUT REMEMBER THEY ARE NOT YOUR CHILDREN – at this point you need to be concerned with yourself. Your safety. Because there is nothing you can do for these kids. Especially if they are abusive and against you. Their crazy mom is not going to let you “save” her children. She doesn’t care about her children. She only cares about using them to gain control of her ex husband and others.
I use to be very concerned for my husbands children. But I had to detach and let him handle it. The nicer
I was to them and the more I did, the more their mom made life hell. So I detached and I do not pick up, I do not discipline, I do not care. That may sound harsh, but the consequences for doing and caring were much more harsh on me. Of course I am always nice to them when they are here. I just keep my distance. I do my own thing. My husband handles everything. After all they are his kids. They come to see him, not me.
It is very obvious to me and my husband how dysfunctional it is at their mothers home. The youngest is 13. And he failed pretty much every subject except P.E. and elective this school year. But it’s not my place to say anything about it. It’s my husbands. He knows that his ex wife doesn’t help the kids with homework and barely get to school on time. So if my husband decides to say something that is his decision. It is not mine. I have my own child who is only 9 and I have to worry about her. She makes straight A’s and is super smart. And since detaching from my husbands children, and taking her out of the school his kids were in, her behavior has done a 180° Turn around.
I think you have to focus on you right now. You must realize that there is nothing you can do to change the situation you’re in. But leave the situation
I hope you will share more on “how to” start a support group in our area for those of us who are not psychotherapists (though I imagine we need to enlist one in order for it to be safe and helpful).
I also would love to find someone doing retreat long weekends for victims/survivors. I find immersion to be a good way to think about all this, without the hassles and distractions of daily life, and to give one time to process what comes out without running to the next appointment. Being with others who get it and are grappling with the same problems would be refreshing.
And either online support groups or weekend/long weekend retreats would be even better grouped by stage. For example stages might be:
o Just learning about sociopaths and narcissists (basically most Cluster B PDs)
o Not leaving, continuing to live with, or having trouble staying away from sociopath — designed more for coping and making that decision
o Those who have left to pick up the pieces, perhaps divided into those still amidst the trauma (divorce, co-parenting, etc.) and those who feel more recovered and that they are past it, but still trying to get over its effects
I would also find some kind of guide to translating between what we have been conditioned to do and think, to a more “normal” way of being. Some of us may have fallen victim because we never did live in a fully normal environment. I find as I move on that I really do not know how “normal” people “normally” handle a lot of daily things, large and small.
Thanks so much for reaching out with an online support group. I may look into it.
Thank you for creating a support group. Although I don’t live in the area, I would definitely look into participating in the on-line version. Finding this site is an absolute GOD-SEND to me, as I need to be with people that completely understand how I feel. Most don’t get it, frankly, and I desperately need to connect with peers who can relate to my pain, the dark, venomous rage I feel towards him, and the shame/self-blame I have taken on – with all due thanks to him working on me for so long. No matter what I intellectually understand, I have blamed myself for everything – even though I know I am not wholly responsible – and I feel like I can’t move forward emotionally.
As I traverse a horrific divorce – one that I finally initiated after he verbally (and in writing, since we have been unofficially separated for some time and don’t live together) harassed me for a year for an indefinite legal separation (one that included LIFETIME medical and financial support, 1/2 of my entire pension, etc.), I find myself feeling a combination of inordinately confusing emotions while I work on the “discovery” portion of the divorce for the next court date.
I weep for the man I actually did love, weep for the fact that I stayed too long at the fair, for the years I wasted with him. I feel fury and jealousy over the woman he is now with (his next victim), while at the same time feeling sorry for her…wanting to reach out to protect her..that is until I sneer to myself, “he is her problem now.” I question whether or not he loved me at all – to the extent a friend and I argue about it – and, after all these years, wonder if I was set up from the beginning. I kick myself for being so blind I couldn’t see through his lies and the horrific emotional abuse I experienced.
Then, obsession takes me over – I comb the Internet for facts night after night, hour after hour – and have found a lot (which has helped my case), but it is not enough for me. I keep checking out of habit, out of need to see him, even if only from a far. And yet, there is the loathing that morphs into indifference, which in turn morphs into venomous rages and a desire to destroy him until he falls and breaks apart. Worse still, I wonder how I will go on in my life without him….wonder why I feel like I cannot go on.
In truth, I loathe him. I have never hated someone in my life, but I truly DO hate him and wish him nothing but pain. Despite my understanding of his psychological issues (BPD, NPD, Bi-polar (unmedicated), the hatred is palpable. Friends say I have to take care of myself and forget about him, but I can’t. All I keep saying is “why??”
I feel crazy and know that I need to seek counseling (working on it) about the trauma of it all, but it all seems so unbearable.
Thank you for reading, even if I was rambling.
Jan7, thank you again. There is a retreat offered by Patricia Evans for women either in or recovering from emotional abuse; she has I think three books about this. Our 3rd marital counselor essentially fired my husband when he walked in saying, “I am abusive,” she could see he has zero intention of ever changing, it obviously works for him as his anger management group also confirmed.
I feel so angry he will face zero consequences, that is until I open my mouth to everyone at his work which I intend to do bc it’s my life I’m talking about, and I have to neighbors. Support? Yes, he knows he isolated me, and knows I have none. The truth is so ugly I fully understand folks do not want to believe it given the guy is so “likeable” externally, a big boss, etc. Hideous. His ex wife is the same, a high exec who makes “friends” with pawns she uses as cover, same as she uses her kids just as my husband does as well. It’s neauseating, isnt’ it? The ex wife has her CEO husband running around town picking up kids, I see him late afternoon, instead of working; really? She’s good. I’ve put my own boundaries around this nonsense which has my husband screaming and hypocritically putting me down sometimes, but after 3-4 weeks of this, gets it, and I’m sure will change his game soon enough (his job responsibilities are increasing) — I refuse to pick up his kids or cook when he has hung up on me in the last week.
It’s pitiful, I love the escape plan though; I’d love if some were shared, or if we can connect privately to share yours so I can sort of copy it to create mine. I love your idea to check off one thing every day, that’s great. Thank you for that tip.
Re books, I’m trying to do less research now that I feel like i know most of this stuff, hoping to find solutions for myself. One book I loved initially it’s got great gems is Happiness Advantage, also a TED talk. Naively when I still had a modicum of “hope,” I sent the other two high achievers, my husband’s ex and her ceo husband a link to this, the ex wife responded saying, “Happiness is propaganda”. It’s like living with 3 other Hitlers in my inner circle, not to mention both of their parents, all abusive, all without conscience. Good god. I really do need positive support though, which is hard to find, at least of folks who understand. I tend to think this is more pervasive than is outwardly spoken of or known. What do others here think about that? The 1% spoken of seems low to me when I start mentioning things and hearing about other situations, either that, or I somehow attract it, yikes! How to change that, I want to know. One decent way I’ve tried is to incant I am loving, both to ensure you stay that way, and to attract it. I do see effects when I do it, sometimes it’s hard to keep up on, kind of crazily often, like 10x, 5x a day. Easy to get into while shopping or driving though. Highly advised, it makes you feel good about yourself.
thank you for this site, again, I appreciate everyone here. 🙂
Hi Newstepmom,
here is Dr Phil’s exit plan…you can also google “exit plan”, “exit plan you tube”, and look on the National domestic abuse hotline website for their exit plan list….and you can also call the hotline to talk with a free counselor 24/7 800-799-SAFE…keep reaching out.
With regards to contacting his office..I would not advise this because if you plan on getting the court to give you divorce court temporary alimony or any future alimony then you dont want him to get fired.
An Exit Action Plan: Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Planning a safe exit from an abusive relationship is a necessary and important step before breaking the ties with your partner. The National Domestic Violence Hotline suggests following these steps to improve your chances of leaving safely.
Know the phone number to your local battered women’s shelter.
Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble.
If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.
Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made.
Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures.
Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.
If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape.
Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver’s door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape.
Hide an extra set of car keys.
Set money aside. Ask friends or family members to hold money for you.
Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money ” anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor’s house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends.
Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc.
If time is available, also take:
Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.)
Titles, deeds and other property information
Medical records
Children’s school and immunization records
Insurance information
Verification of social security numbers
Welfare identification
Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
Know abuser’s schedule and safe times to leave.
Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial.
Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.
After Leaving the Abusive Relationship
If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving:
Change your locks and phone number.
Change your work hours and route taken to work.
Change the route taken to transport children to school.
Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.
Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.
Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender.
Call law enforcement to enforce the order.
If you leave:
Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number.
Change your work hours, if possible.
Alert school authorities of the situation.
Consider changing your children’s schools.
Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them.
Use different stores and frequent different social spots.
Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.
Talk to trusted people about the violence.
Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system.
Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.
Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.
Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.
Hi Newstepmom,
Your welcome 🙂 ….Yes I have heard good things about Patricia Evens books/retreats also Lundy Bancroft retreats too (his book is why does he do that?)…think about going to Evens retreat yourself or even the original poster here by Mary Ann who has online support. Emotionally where you are now it’s vitally important to get all the help you can get before you leave…every thing will help to open your mind from his mind control and make the transition away from your abuser easier.
If your marriage counselor quite because of your husbands behavior call her and go to her for individual counseling…keep reaching out for all the help you can find!!
I can not stress this enough…like I stated I was so exhausted mentally, emotionally & physical that I could not get out of the marriage even though I wanted to every day. Looking back I needed to ask for help out from friends/family etc. Reaching out for help from friends/counselors/retreat is the best gift you can ever give yourself. Dont wait like the old Nike commercials stated “JUST DO IT” (I always like their slogan 🙂
Small steps everyday = miles in the long run!
Find out what court your husband got divorced from and without him knowing get his divorce papers from the court…see what his ex wife put in papers to see what abuse he did to her. Put them in a safe place or get a bank safety deposit to put them in along with other things from the EXIT PLAN List. Your local abuse center can help explain an exit plan to you and help you get everything ready. So you dont have to do it alone!
Abusers are so masterful at manipulating people that no one will believe what he does behind closed doors…same with my ex and all the other abusers of the world until it happens to them and then and only then is their mind wide open to the evil in this world.
I think you are right about your husbands ex, she seems to be missing the sensitive chip. Get out and find a women’s group or club that you are interested in this way you can connect with good people now and have positive people in your life…I would stick with women groups because you have to be careful of predator lurking around looking for vulnerable people….meetup.com is a great site…it’s free and it list all your city groups, clubs, organizations and the times they meet. So if you are interested in say gardening you can find a garden club on this site, or a dinner club, running/walking group.
I have read that 1 in 5 people are narcissist 75% being men and 1 in 25 people (4%) are sociopath or psychopaths…According to Dr Martha Stout Harvard professor and author of The sociopath next door states that we met a sociopath/psychopath is passing everyday without even knowing it and have a family member/friend who fits this category without even knowing it…scary world. But this is why it is so important to throughly educate yourself on who abusers and how to spot them…Lovefraud is excellent at providing this info and so are Donna’s books.
I know it must look daunting to you now to leave your abusive husband…been in that state of mind (for way to long) but the day I packed my car and drove away I felt like a weight literally lifted off my shoulders…it’s not easy mentally & emotionally when you leave but I knew once I was told who my husband was, I was done with the marriage for ever.
Look into adrenal fatigue…see drwilsonadrenalfatigue.org see his symptoms list/read, drlam.com see his symptoms list, mialundin.com read her book…this is a big issue for victims of domestic abuse…it’s easily healed…you may be suffering from it now and that may be preventing you from thinking about leaving.
Take care 🙂 🙂 🙂
Well, my husband cannot be fired but for from his recent promotion, and my saying anything to anyone about it would not be a fire-able thing nor would his treating me this way, only if he started treating work folks the way he treats me, which of course he self protectively would never do.
I love Dr Lam’s link, thank you so much! Unfortunately Dr Wilson’s link is not longer live, I think.
I felt that same weight lift off me after just starting the Taming the Gremlin book, even though intellectually I knew I was not the cause of none of this family’s abusive treatment of me. I’d been waking daily with really severe head neck pain, which disappeared over night at reading this. Maybe the published verification of my own thoughts verified; I am certain I have learned to doubt myself more, I have felt it in my body, which I’m sure is my delay in leaving also! Eek. Those darned Catch 22s, even when one route is so clearly the better-for-you route. I guess I also fear how abusive he will get in the divorce, and how abusive his ex wife may continue to be by my pursuing any work. She is super nasty, covertly, but no less super. First year we were married, her son would tell me, “Mom hates the neighbor,” while I knew she was going for drinks with that neighbor. Why else but to spy on the house we were living in at that time. She loves to control people and I think is still doing so to my husband and her husband and all her other pawns. My husband loves controlling me or abusing me thinking he will control me.
I’m not in fear for myself physically any longer, and have warned all counselors and police that in the case of anything untoward happening to me they need to look at his ex wife and him, and have told them that. I don’t even really feel safe simply moving cities, at least his ex being as crazy-butting into my business as she has been. Insecurity in the extreme, as all these -pathies are regarding defensiveness, no?
Thank you so much, Jan7. I need a softer action plan re hiding/sneaking things out etc, sneakily finding a new job, new friends, etc. I need to get into a witness protection program, more like! Yes, my telling neighbors, friends, family, has gotten me no support. So, concentrating on finding loving people is at the top of my list; why I think an AA-type group for recovering from this would be really great. Hmmmm… ! 😉
Thank you Jan7. How long did your leaving plan take? (And yes, while I’m planning it, I vacillate still on when and how and where, which delays me of course. I also have the “he needs to pay” problem, which while I reach out to those who have some say in that, legally, I’m not getting anywhere and yes, can’t dedicate my life to that instead of to saving myself. But I’ll get there, I swear!)
Newstepmom,
Your welcome. I just looked for Dr Wilson’s site…just google adrenalfatigue.org.
I really did not have an Exit Plan out of my marriage unfortunately…in my mind I had a list of what I needed to get done but like I stated I was so utterly exhausted that it was hard to get moving mentally. The day I packed my car because I had enough of his abuse I did get important paperwork ie taxes, investments, etc.
After I left I found a counselor who was extremely informed about abuse and told me who my husband was and I also when to my local abuse center for counseling and women group meetings. I wish though that I would have done these things prior to leaving him….I did not know there was such a thing as an “EXIT PLAN’ nor did I fully understand that I was in a emotional, mental, verbal abusive marriage since my ex husband had mind so twisted up by his lying, gas lighting, and blame shifting.
This is why I am encouraging you to go to your local abuse center for women group meetings & counseling now and also find a good counselor outside of the center who is extremely knowledgable with domestic abuse to guide you in opening your mind up from your husband mind control and brain washing. YOu can call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline 800-799-SAFE to talk with a free counselor 24/7 and also they can give you your local abuse center numbers. The local center usually has a hotline 24/7 that you can speak with a counselor too.
Shift your mind focus away from your husband and his ex wife as they are not going to change and only focus on you now…victims of abuse end up in tunnel vision and can not see the big picture because their abusers has limited their thinking. So you need to keep opening your mind up which is difficult if you are focused on other people remember your husband did triangulate you against his ex wife and vise versa despite her behavior.
The other thing I would recommend is go to your big box book store and look in the divorce section for books on finical divorce & your local library and start looking for a good divorce lawyer now who understands narcissist abuse….facebook page One Moms battle and her other site onemomsbattle.com which keeps a list of lawyers and can give you advise on how to plan for your divorce now. That facebook page is a great page to ask about court issues even prior to leaving your husband, if you dont have a facebook page open a fake email acct say with gmail then open a fake facebook account with that fake name this way you can be anonymous for your safety …even if you dont have children you can still ask questions on one moms battle fb pg it’s a very good support site. Get a safety deposit box to put things of importance in their and dont bring the books into your home for your safety. Also clear your history on your computer every time you use it just look up at the top bar and find “history” then clear history so that your husband does not find out what you are looking at.
Make a list of things for your EXIT PLAN like I stated before you dont have to do this on your own your local abuse center can help you.
One of my regrets was not reaching out for help and thinking I was alone but I was not…keep reaching out for help. Cut/copy/past/print all this info out that I have posted, hide it and start taking small steps each day to Exit your abusive relationship.
You are going to be fine without your husband…you are going to thrive again.
Take care
Jan7- The information and support you are giving to Newstepmom is amazing and I applaud you! Each of our stories are different but all of us have experienced the same themes within the context of our marriages. Thank you for your suggestions and sage words of advice.
Newstepmom, the first rule of thumb here is to protect yourself first and foremost even if all they do is hurtful. Regardless of anything he or his ex-wife does to you or says about you, do not engage and do not engage in any retaliatory measure, including revealing any truths about him to his office. If you need support from him, this could backfire on you. People like this are consummate actors and actresses, as they are merely playing roles to society as a front for their actual selves. As such, they are skillful at the art of “illusion” to the outside world and will do their best to make you look like the crazy one, or the mean one, etc. Quite honestly, my husband has attempted to convince the world that he is the reincarnation of Mother Theresa, especially when I was sick a few years back. He was a savior! He did so much for me, but I abandoned him”..wahhhhh. Truth is he did NOTHING for me save for lamenting about how no one called to give him, “the loving and giving CARETAKER”, support. The fact that I was the sick one was immaterial.
In any case, his/their actions and behaviors may hurt and anger you, but you have to remain calm and keep your thoughts to yourself. This is what I call the art of “disengaging.” Do not respond to anything he or she says in writing or verbally”.it will make them nuts because they are losing control over you. (I used to respond TOO much, but I stopped a while back, which drove him nuts.) The more you remove yourself, the more lunacy they will create in order to regain control. Stand strong. Be an actress. By now I should have won several hundred Academy Awards for my performances. Behind the scenes I told my truth to those closest to me.
You must operate in “Stealth” mode”.never, ever, EVER revealing your hand or your feelings. I used to do that too much ”“ I used to tell my h ALL of my feelings in great detail ”“ verbally and in emails – including how I was afraid of him. I was a damn fool, but I didn’t see his truth then”sigh. He loved it and tried to use it to his advantage and DID. Once I woke up from my fog ”“ one that I had been in for 7 LOOOOOONG YEARS since I had cancer ”“ AND filed for divorce, I was freer than ever. I caught him off guard and he couldn’t handle it. In effect, YOU have to be one step ahead of the game, because it IS a game about power and control.
As for exit plans, my husband actually left me, so my exit plan was somewhat easier than it might be for most. He left while I was psychologically and emotionally recovering from cancer purportedly to “give (me) space to heal” because I was depressed. He did not know that I was depressed because I realized he did not love me (I was too exhausted from treatment to take action), or that I suspected he set me up as a measure to use against me down the line if we divorced. In any case, I was stuck holding the proverbial bag at this time, hanging onto to promises that never materialized. Worse still (and since all of this happened) I have learned the truth about what he did while he was gone.
In any case, regardless of what occurred, because he is a master manipulator, I have operated in “stealth” mode ever since. This is a guy who thinks he is the smartest person in the room ”“ and he will go to any length to prove it ”“ so I had to keep 12 steps ahead of him, all while pretending to be the same vulnerable dork he enmeshed in his life to begin with. Stealth mode is of the utmost importance, as it does give one a measure of control in an insane situation. Most importantly, you cannot discuss this with anyone, as that reveals your hand. Never reveal your hand to anyone ”“ this includes friends, future colleagues, etc., as you don’t know who he is aligned with, nor do you know if people will truly support you. Trust yourself first and foremost. Only reveal it to a therapist, a potential lawyer, a support group. I am serious about this.
Some thoughts:
1.Even though I was the only one employed, I opened up a separate bank account (without him added as a beneficiary) and began having money from my paycheck directly deposited into it.
2.I also began having money directly deposited into another job account to help fuel my “save my life” fund.
3.For purposes of illusion, I kept our original accounts intact to pay him his unofficial support (which I paid out of sheer fear of his usual intimidation and control tactics), as I knew he would check it from time to time.
4.Now that I am in the actual divorce process, every week I am paid I squirrel cash away in a lock box should I need it to pay more legal fees. My husband is deliberately churning legal fees as a measure by which to ruin me, so to ensure I have money on hand to pay my lawyer I am forced to do this. The key to this lock box is with me at all times.
5.I also paid for and ordered missing copies of my own legal documents (e.g. birth certificates) as well as our marriage license, and 3 years’ worth of tax returns. More so, for the past year and a half I began saving and printing information about him that I found on the Internet (he is an avid blogger since he is too lazy to work) to use in my case. I saved all of the emails he sent me – some loving and many vicious and cruel – along with those I sent in my email folder, which he did not have access to since he did not live here. I printed every one of his emails for use in my case as well.
6.I have changed the locks and use a Life Lock GPS security device that I keep with me at all times “just in case” he decides to hurt me. He has threatened me in the past (it may be just bluster but I can’t presume this) and though he is behaving now since we are in the divorce process, I can’t be sure he won’t flip out if he loses. He is nuts beyond all rhyme or reason.
7. If you can, get a p.o. box to have your mail sent to it.
8. Open up a security box in bank to hide all important documents. Hide the bill from him and keep the key with you at all times.
And definitely, seek support from others in a group or one on one format.
You will be fine. We all will be.