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By | May 18, 2012 212 Comments

Taking back our power

By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)

Each one of us has more power than we generally perceive we do. Some people, in fact, do not recognize that they have any power over either what happens to them, or to how they react to what happens to them. Yet, we are totally powerful people; we have total power over what goes on inside us.

Recognizing that I am a powerful person with ultimate control over my emotions and actions is a heady feeling, and a scary feeling too. It is heady because it gives us a feeling that we can control ourselves, but it is scary because we also realize that there is no one else who can save us if we fail to exercise that power fully or competently.

When we were children, if we became frightened or sad, we could call on the god-like adults in our world to make us safe and to keep us safe. They could turn on the lights to scare away the monsters that might be lurking there when we could not reach the switch.

At some point in our lives, though, we must recognize that no one can do for us what we must do for ourselves, and that is to exercise our power to keep us as safe as possible from external events and internal tidal waves.

External events

Sometimes things happen externally that devastate our internal and external worlds: A trusted friend/family member/lover dies or betrays us, or a recession, depression, bankruptcy, or war intervenes in our carefully built and safe life that we could not have foreseen. This external event sweeps us away into an abyss of loss and despair. We see our own mortality, or that our life is half gone and we have not accomplished the “you should do x-es” that we had always thought we would do.

We let our sense of devastation externally and internally push us into an abyss of grief and pain. How do we take back our power when we feel so powerless, so naked and vulnerable? How will we ever feel safe again?

Recognizing that we are not in complete control of external events is a scary feeling, yet one that we must, as adults, face. Recognizing the truth that our plans for our future may not all be possible at this point in life is also necessary, and may sadden us.

Phases of life

Just as a child grows through various stages from birth to leaving home, adults too pass through various stages of adulthood. Erick Erickson described them as x, y, z. Unfortunately he did not describe them in great detail, but left his theories for others to expound upon.

I agree with Erickson that we go through various phases in adulthood as we move through the decades of the twenties, thirties, forties, etc. We are not the same person in each of these decades of our lives. We have different wants, needs, skills and knowledge as we move through life.

While it is easy to see that it would be an inappropriate thing for a 60-year-old woman to be sad that she could not marry, conceive a child and raise a family at that age, sometimes, we are saddened because we cannot have all the options at age 30 or 40 that we did at age 20.

Taking stock

When an external event precipitates a major change in our lives, or even an internal tidal wave of regrets or realizations of our lives makes us “sit up and take notice” of where we are on the life-time continuum, we pass through a stage where we may feel powerless over our emotions.

An encounter with a psychopath may be the precipitating external event in our lives, but it can be anything, or nothing in particular. A painful encounter, though, gives us the opportunity to take stock of where we are, where we wish to go, and who we are in the next phase of our adult lives. It is a time to truly recognize that we will not live forever, and that we are subject to the natural laws of this world, and yet, to rise above this and to find significant meaning in ourselves and in our lives.

We can use the external events to grow and refocus our lives, realizing that we do have power, complete power, over some things, and that we have no power over other things. We can live while we live, and find meaning and satisfaction in each of the stages of our lives.


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Truthspeak

Joyce, I greatly appreciate the common-sense philosophy that you’ve put together, here.

While this site discusses betrayal and healing from sociopath entanglements, this philosophy can be applied to every personal experience. From winning/losing a great employment position to surviving a 8.9 magnitude earthquake, everything is an opportunity for something to be learned.

Thanks, Joyce and brightest blessings!!!

silvermoon

I know in the marshall art of Aikido, they do teach centering the body and personal power. I suspect other Marshall arts do as well.

IN the Orient, the concept of CHI is much more common knowledge.

It speaks directly to the hidden personal power.

Very interesting and accessible knowledge.

Ox Drover

Your welcome, Truthy. glad you enjoyed it.

Silver, I think that we must “center” ourselves and take stock of where we are in time/space. I’m 65 and retired…and I’m not going to be getting any younger or climb the corporate ladder to a high profile, high paying job. That is just not in my future because of my age, etc. I’m not going to marry or have another baby at my age…but I know people who are just so sad for what they cannot have happen at this or that stage in their lives that it ruins the time they have NOW.

By taking power over what we can control (ourselves) and by realizing that we cannot control the “earth quakes” that happen in our lives we can be more secure.

The Bible talks about (paraphrased) that there is a time to plant and a time to reap, a time to dance and a time to weep, etc. There is a time for everything under the sun.

silvermoon

That same energy can heal, defend or lead.

What is in the subconscious and in the very cells of the body has incredible authority and since we connect with so little of the power of the mind and the body, its interesting to look at what is known and how it is used in other cultures.

The biblical scholars wrote a volume of incredible truths. And I don’t think that its radically different that truths discovered in other places are. What is true is true.

There do seem however to be disciplines and writings that describe what personal power is and how to access and use it in more detail. And with example after example.

Bill Moyer’s book on healing is a journey into these areas of information that are not so common to us. And its fascinating. Illuminating. And real.

What ever disciplines you practice, the awareness of the very force of life within and flowing through you is source to your very being. And the body will protect itself instinctively.

Our minds are determined in such a way as to be self preserving.

When we allow pop culture, immediate gratification and the logic of justifying either we are against these instinctual and basic powers of defense and healing.

Gather your ball of power and have a wonderful day!

alivetoday

Thank you for a comforting and encouraging article. Not to wish my experience with a “P” on anyone but I am glad about the growth I had through the pain. I struggle with the pain of the experience, but it is less and less (I have to put in the effort to bring myself back to the present moment). Appreciation for life and the good things (nice, caring people, my dogs, a roof over my head, food on the table, my health) are not taken for granted…I see how precious our time here on earth is. Even though I did not climb mahogany row like I was “suppose” to do, I believe the fact that I survived the experience with the “P” was the climb that brought me closer to understand the gift of life and the desire to do service to help others…a desire that does not have selfish motives and where the reward is in the joy of giving…Just as the writers do here in LF..It is ALL so valuable. Having a connection with such wise and warm hearted people makes me happy where I am today. I think for me, that is an accomplishment in this stage of my adult life…

Ox Drover

Silver, thanks for that wonderful wish. The power that we have flows here on LF from one of us to the others. Each of us gets power from everyone here and gives power as well.

Alive today, I too would not wish a P-experience on anyone, but we can still use it for growth.

It is difficult sometimes to keep the bitterness for what we have been through from coming through, but I continually work on it. This time I finally realized that we don’t just read a point on an internal “map” and sit there, we have to continue to GROW.

alivetoday

I just want to get this “moment of anger” out..I seem so flip flop in my moods..trying to be strong and move forward and then..that’s it then “then” happens…in split seconds..

I am reading one of the 3 books that I just ordered. This is the first book that really I found makes one look at themselves and their part in this experience. Which I have been trying to do for some time now. I am filled with emotion as I write this..frustrated, angry and crying…I just read MYSELF on paper and dont understand why couldnt any of the therapist in 20 plus years that I have seen (searching to understand, find myself and grow instead of acting out and searching outside of me for something that I knew was inside of me) simply identify and discuss my temperament traits…it is identifiable by someone who is educated in psychology…I was not able to put “me” into the words myself because I was too busy blaming and falsely labeling myself in certain areas of life. With these identifiable traits, i have a guideline to measure myself, an awareness of my actions and a mindfulness. I needed an understanding. Instead, I have had self-condemnation for who I am…attempting to change, who I am..what makes me who I am..My innate temperament traits… Also, My character traits are not what needed changing but the ability to identify these traits and to focus on how to have boundaries and be with safe, kind people…loving myself, loving others within a healthy awareness of who I am….
I am not finished with this book. The next chapter is on character traits…The book is by Sandra L. Brown; Women Who Love Psychopaths..I am sure most of you have read this..I feel cheated by the therapists somehow..by the system..it is almost like “Big Pharma” …
I probably should have waited to post and let this information sink in so that I could form a rational opinion..but then I seem to forget so much of everything because my mind is always on overload…
Growing up and gaining knowledge can also be a rocky road.
I am sure, I will flip flop back to acceptance and move forward in just a bit now that I aired this out…I wish moving forward would give me the mind and courage of the authors of these great books and the wisdom of the people that care for us who are in the stages of PTSD…(if stages is the correct word, I do not know)

Louise

alivetoday:

I can relate. I stopped going to my therapist last week. I only went for a short time, but he didn’t help me and I don’t think any of them can or will. I realize some people have gotten much help through therapy, but the issues I deal with just aren’t fixable I don’t think.

I have a lot of anger…a lot. I feel your pain. Hugs to you.

Alive today,
Congratulations on your new awareness.
You may not have “got it” if you had read it at another time in your life. The experience of a psychopath is so repellant that it’s mind numbing. Being validated here on LF, probably set you up to absorb the information in a new way.

I’m learning new things about spaths and about US, all the time still — 3 years later. This awareness came at a steep price so I’m going to get my money’s worth.

Ox Drover

Alive and Louise, yes the “flip and flopping” is a NATURAL PART OF THE PROCESS OF HEALING and resolution of grief.

What we are experiencing is GRIEF and we must resolve it. The LOSS of what we had (or thought we had) must be resolved.

Google elizabeth Kubler ross and her grief process…it will explain a lot to you about your ANGER and your sadness, etc.

Louise it depends on what your issues are whether or not ANY therpist can help you, and it also depends on if the therapist is a good one or not.

clair

Oxy,

What a beautiful article. You have said it all simply & succinctly.

“A painful encounter, though, gives us the opportunity to take stock of where we are, where we wish to go, and who we are in the next phase of our adult lives. It is a time to truly recognize that we will not live forever, and that we are subject to the natural laws of this world, and yet, to rise above this and to find significant meaning in ourselves and in our lives.
We can use the external events to grow and refocus our lives, realizing that we do have power, complete power, over some things, and that we have no power over other things. We can live while we live, and find meaning and satisfaction in each of the stages of our lives.”

This is enlightenment, the culmination of highly developed spirituality.

Love to you, Oxy.

clair

((Louise)) and ((alivetoday)),

I agree with Oxy that much of what you are both describing is “NATURAL PART OF THE PROCESS OF HEALING and resolution of grief.”

As weird & strange as it may feel, please try to be loving to yourselves and give yourselves the time & space to go thru the process. A big part of healing is the resolution of grief. We feel grief because we have suffered losses. It’s painful.

But, on the other hand, we have NOW & TODAY, as Oxy wrote. Our today and now feels so different from our past. So, even though we may feel sad and angry, we also have a newly won freedom and insight. It’s almost as if we’ve been reborn to live a new life. We have the power to decide HOW we are going to live our new lives. As I’ve moved thru my grief and the healing process, I’ve begun to look for and find small joys in my life NOW & TODAY.

As skylar said, validation of our pain accelerates our healing. So, try to find some comfort in knowing that, despite the pain and anger, you are moving thru the process and healing more & more each minute, each hour, each day.

alivetoday

Thank you Louise, Oxy, Skylar, Clair …
I knew in my heart that i was in the grieving process..I thought this information was revealed to me now as I was in a position to receive it..I can only trust the process.
As I wrote my “airing out comment”, what I just wrote now (above)was also rampaging amongst the mass confusion of thoughts and emotions. Emotions seem to override the rational behavior that I should be conducting. I try to hold back the need for purging/relief, instant gratification and being completely honest down to the fine details. I am desperately trying to gain an understanding always(not just referring to the “P” experience)..just like a child.And this is why I have a therapist also; for at least once a week safe purging:)..This is where the “P” knew he always had the upper hand…he was always so cool to wait and watch his calculated plans play out and I was the perfect actress for the role..I would tell him every little piece of information I secured only to set myself up to a loss.I could never hold back..I was always setting myself up..ok i am rambling..goodnight to everyone..
Oxy, thank you for the reference regarding the grief process. I will google that in the morning.

Louise

Oxy:

Thanks…I have been flip flopping for two years now. I wish it would stop.

Louise

clair:

Thank you…HUGS.

MoonDancer

Hi Louise,
I flip flopped for four years, wonderin what if, who was to blame etc. etc. Well I recently saw him from a distance, up to his same old behavior. I threw my flip flops off. I was always right about him, I will never give him the benefit of the doubt again. You will stop flippin and floppin. I just wanted to forget and move on, it doesnt happen that way, we must remember this lesson. Peace will come in it’s own time, be patient with yourself.

Ox Drover

Dear Louise, I think Henry is right in what he said above 100% right.

It takes TIME and you can’t rush it. The grief process is a flip flopping kind of thing…denial, sadness, anger, bargaining, and acceptance but we flip and flop from 1-5 and eventually we may get to 5 and then go back to 1—but there will come a time when you get to 5 and stay there. Acceptance of what IS. Acceptance of what WAS and peace with it all.

Knowing about the grief process will help us when we find ourselves in a particular stage and we realize it and say to ourselves “Oh, I’m feeling angry at (the person) today”

The first time I remember feeling anger as a part of the grief process though I didn’t understand taht at the time was one night I woke up in the middle of the night so ANGRY at my grandfather for dying. Just FURIOUS with him for dying. I knew that wasn’t “rational” but I FELT that way anyway. Now I understand why I felt that way. It was part of the process and once I had gone through that I came to acceptance with his death. He’s been dead since 1975, and I still miss him…but I am at peace with it, I accept it and i don’t feel sad or hurt with it any more.

ACCEPTANCE of what was—whether it is a loss of someone through death or a psychopathic experience–is all the same in the grief process. Loss is loss is loss.

But you will get there, be patient with yourself. (((hugs))

alivetoday

Oxy, I read the grief article you suggested..I look forward to be at 5 and not to have any more pity partys! I think they too are part of the flip flopping….
I remember reading about the stages of grief when I had a stillborn…I want this time to be over sooner than later…I do get embarrassed and question all myself after each comment post…I just want my confidence back…
Unfortunately complex carbs won out yesterday, rather than a healthy comfort..that seems to keep the cycle of self-condemnation rolling…//Now I must look at the good things for today…When I walked the mountain this morning, I saw a family of 3 beautiful deer..the weather was perfect..my 10 year old nephews were with me and just enjoying the wonders of life……They have had great heartache in their life already but the joy continues to radiate from their eyes and smiles…They are a good example to me…:)

still reeling

Alive today, as you can well see, you are not alone. Many inspiring comments for you and for all of us who relate.
You said:
” Also, My character traits are not what needed changing but the ability to identify these traits and to focus on how to have boundaries and be with safe, kind people”loving myself, loving others within a healthy awareness of who I am”.”

Paths, btw, love people who give off this vibe of uncertainty.
I have felt this way most all of my life and between wiring and nurture, I can understand why. I have had many, many therapists and different therapies, some helpful, some not.
The “acceptance” part if SO very important. Then go and grow from there, but this self-acceptance has to happen. Work on it my dear. I still try and I’m not young.

I remember decades ago, hearing Dick Cavet say that he had a great experience in therapy because his therapist helped him like and accept himself just as he was. Then, *from there*, he was able to make changes in himself and his perspectives, ways of thinking and interpreting that helped him tremendously in all areas of his life.

I think everyone on the LF blog deserves to allow themselves to love who we are and all our perceived flaws. As Ox and others said, have patience with the grieving period. After Godzilla was fired and I never heard from him again, (except a cryptic response to an email I sent him which let him know that I knew he was only a figment of *my* imagination and never really existed…I created him), I told myself, “Hey Reeling, you are going to give yourself a chance to grieve and not go into a deep depression or beat yourself or others over this.” I have done ok..it’s been 8 months.

I do have a question tho. Having dealt with a path and others in my life that are just plain nasty, aggressive and unkind people with few redeeming qualities, I wonder…..do these people deserve to love themselves?? Sometimes I think about this and wonder in light of some of my faults and flaws, do I deserve to love myself either a la the Dick Cavet story???

Just wondering what people think about that…..does everyone deserve to love him/herself?

Hang in alive!!!! You def deserve to follow the path of love and self-acceptance. I can tell.

Ox Drover

Reeling, yes, we do deserve to love ourselves. We deserve to forgive ourselves for our flaws…we are capable of remorse for the things we have done that are “less than stellar” and believe me I have done some things I am greatly ashamed of, and rightly so.

However, I have REPENTED of those things, made amends where I could do so, and have STOPPED doing things that are mean, dishonest, or anything of that sort. I do my best to live by the “do right” rule and if it “ain’t right” I do NOT do it.

What else can anyone do? We can’t change the past. We can’t undo anything we have done that was “less than stellar” and so we accept that we are FLAWED humans who are doing the best that we can to live by the DO RIGHT RULE in the future.

Part of doing right is TAKING CARE OF OURSELVES WELL…and that means to recognize the things we need to change and to change them in ourselves. If we are not eating right, we need to start doing it. If we are drinking/smoking too much we need to stop that. If we are not exercising or taking care of our medical needs we need to start doing that.

We need to live financially responsible lives and take care of ourselves first. then to share what we can with those less fortunate than us. Volunteer or donate.

Living “good lives” with good people and staying away from the bad people.

Ox Drover

Here is a link to an earlier article I wrote here on Love Fraud when I was writing under “Ox Drover” and not my name.

http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/04/30/loving-ourselves-one-piece-at-a-time/

Sometimes it is difficult to see ourselves as worthy of loving ourselves, we focus on what we don’t have, but we have many good points and we need to look at them.

still reeling

I hear you Ox and will read the article this evening. Looking forward to it.
I do hear what you’re saying and this afternoon while running errands had a nice little chat with myself….it was helpful and reminiscent of the healthy way I was beginning to see things before path entered my life and I allowed him to muddy my new and better vision and outlook on life.
For me, that strongly involves stating and believing phrases like “It’s OK,” the old “Keep it Simple,” “It doesn’t matter,” etc. Anything that keeps me from getting too crazy and obsessive and worrying too much.

Then I can be the best me possible and enjoy giving of myself to others.

Thanks for your thoughtful comments, well agree with all of it, Ox. Well agree. Again, will read your link tonight.
Blessings

alivetoday

Hi, I wanted to share with you my thoughts while at the movies with my nephews (which seem to be so inline with your comments above!!) I told myself to be kind to myself…that in fact, I was grieving and that reading that chapter triggered many many memories which opened a floodgate of emotions. I also looked at both the “P’s” personality disorder as well as my contribution of my behavior..(dysfunctional and apparently a profile of “P” victims) … I told myself that a new self -awareness has taken place and this was growth or birth of something new and we all know that birthing something brings pain before the joy…

Oxy, I will read your article hopefully after I put my nephews to bed later unless I crash with them!! 10 year olds:) ….
I am so so so appreciative of ALL of you…a support system has never worked for me before but I know without a doubt that this one IS working for me..filling up a lot of voids in my heart…thank you:)

Truthspeak

Alivetoday, gentle hugs to you. Time to take back what’s yours – meaning, your very “SELF!”

still reeling

Ox, did read your article about your personal, and probably ongoing, journey with self-love. It was beautifully done. I recall when I was in my 30’s, single and had a great friend, who lived in my apt bldg at the time. She had been through a lot of nurture-driven, serious mental and emotional issues and was constantly challenged by demons. Being a strong, highly intelligent and courageous person helped greatly. We had many long walks and talks during our friendship and one thing she used to do that made me laugh was take ahold of her belly (it wasn’t all that large but she did have a little fat there) and say “See this? I love this belly!” She was learning, as are you, to love herself piece by piece. She had to or risk falling apart or at least, not living life fully.

We both went on to marry and despite a damaging relationship with her mom that almost brought her to suicide, she longed to have kids. Not being able to conceive, she adopted 4 “unwanted” kids which is another story of bravery, inspiration and courage unlike almost any other I’ve encountered. Point is that she learned early on that she had to love and embrace herself just as she was. Then and only then could she go on and do the incredible things she has been able to do with her life and the lives of others.

This whole appearance thing has me in a tailspin. I’ve always looked younger than my age and considered very pretty. Now I’m older and there is no denying it. I was brought up to value looks over all else. After a horrible childhood, then adolescence to follow (easy target for teasing and bullying), I blossomed. All of a sudden, I was getting attention from guys and more respect from girls as well. I did not know what to do with all this, when before I had been mocked and ridiculed.

With my mom’s emphasis on the importance of looks (and she was my goddess – I was so sure everything she spouted was true-so damaging-I was not allowed to have an opinion) I just went for it and spent all my time and efforts on my appearance. I didn’t learn anything, I was not intellectually curious, did not cultivate any real hobbies, etc. Not being a stupid person, I realized how limiting and unfulfilling this outlook was and how it was going to lead me down a path of despair when I began to lose my looks. I dreaded that day.

I finally found a couple of things I really enjoyed: tennis, aerobic dancing, needlework, reading, hiking, biking, and most importantly, purposeful work. I loved work and everything I was able to do as an employee. I could focus on other than my looks or other worries, I learned many, many things, I could reach out and help others. Work was my life. All I wanted was a partner in crime and my love life was terrible. I just didn’t know what I was doing. Too many expectations, did not understand how to compromise without losing myself, had no self-esteem, no confidence. Very jealous.

When I finally did get married, I knew it wasn’t a good match. We were just too different and I was just plain stupid, not young either, just stupid. He was and is a good person, just emotionally constipated. I see things a lot more clearly now and that is a good thing. Growth. But I can’t go back and change things. I’ve spoken here about him before. I know what I have to do to make my life ok, but I don’t seem to be able to do it.

When I met path, I was ripe for the distraction and the complimentary and appreciative way he treated me. I focused on him and forgot my worries. I fell for him, I guess, altho it never was more than talk and email. I knew, once again, as I had so many times in the past when I did things that my gut told me not to, that I was going to really suffer in the not too distant future. And of course, that’s exactly what happened. I have no idea what would have happened had he not been fired. I do know he was in trouble for months so acted even more strangely during those months than when we first met.

Perhaps his getting in “trouble” earlier rather than later was a blessing in disguise for me. I just know that altho I loved the attention and positive strokes he provided, the other path behaviors he displayed were enormously confounding and tapped into my sense of inadequacy, low esteem, vulnerability and lack of a core or center.

I began to feel jealous and sick because I was sure he turned on me time after time because he was pursuing younger, smarter, more hip women. Heck we didn’t even have a relationship. It was all my fantasy. I lived on crumbs when he felt like throwing them. Oh well, that story is a dead end and doesn’t matter.

The deal now is that I am hard put to love myself, piece by piece or any other way. I have a bad feeling of dread all the time. I don’t want to take medication for depression. I’m just constantly worried and down. I feel sorry for my husband. I can’t even relate to the person I was before. I have no interest in anything now that I’m not working. Job hunting, for the first time in my life, I feel is not going to pan out. I am very afraid of becoming ill since I had surgery last summer. Illness is my trigger for anxiety and worry. I’m very, very frightened about health insurance. This is NO way to live life.

Believe me, when I got laid off from my corporate job of 20 yrs, I felt rotten and scared but nothing like this. I felt so much stronger and more confident that with my experience, even though older, I would find a job.

And I did! I had a job before my last formal day with the Fortune 500! It was incredible but the boss lady was nuts, prob a path and I had to leave. In talking with a few folks who left before me, she was not going to change. My life was hell. Then I got the job with path. OMG…what a couple of years it’s been. I am so hard-pressed to forgive the F 500 that laid me off, knowing full well that I was a respected, hard-working and devoted employee and one who needed the job so badly, esp at my age and in this job market today. They full knew my story and my life. We were family. It was age discrim. I did all I can do. I will NEVER forgive or forget. No way. I would be fine today if not for them. I hope that somehow, someday I am able to understand what good has come from these past couple of horrifying years.

Ox, again, your article is impressive, makes so much sense and most importantly, what alternative do we have. The train? I just don’t know if I can get there.

Louise

hens and Oxy:

Thanks for that. I know…peace will come; it is just taking a long time.

I have gone 5, 4, 2, 1, 5, 3, 2, 1, 5…a million times! I just can’t seem to settle at 5, but ONE DAY I WILL!!! It may take a very long time, but it will get here.

Thanks to both of you.

alivetoday

Still reeling, i remain continually amazed that each of your post feel as if I am the one writing them…
I dont know if you know this or not, but you are doing great works in just your “doings”…I for one am finding acknowledgement and hope for a direct understanding that someone has just about “walked in my shoes” although, we both know they are not Jimmy Choos..(something like that!!LOL!) …
Where you are today, as I am sure many of us here are (i dont want be alone in this), may be frustrating, filled with racing thoughts and extreme polar ends of emotions, but it is a season of growth…// I have read this on other post regarding “seasons” and if I look back on my life, I know seasons do and are happening…I know I go up and down, in and out, stand firm and faithful, then question it all…I just know that I want “5” to get here soon..(stage 5 of grief cycle) ..I get tired of all the quotes and the directions provided but then I gain peace in them as well….
I wish so much that I had put myself in a position to succeed in a field that I could resort to for mental, emotional and financial support…I was guided as you in the area of prim and proper, etiquette, attractiveness, well-groomed and to be the best at supporting the breadwinner of home, a husband…..I never believed that I could finish college, that I “knew” that I did not have the discipline…(I understand that frequently, children of alcoholics dont finish what they start) however, my older sister, who had a whole other set of expectations put upon her, was able to have a successful and complete education..she always strived for perfection in all she did…she had drive that I could not even touch in my thoughts…..I never measured up in the words my mother…I repeatedly tried though…and here another failure…going outside of my marriage for value and love..feeling that the love-bombing from the “P” was what it was all about..Finally life had brought me the person that was going to make me feel the joy to be alive and to have the faith in me so that I could succeed…that I did have it…and this is the person who took me further down and shredded my soul……Now if that is not a season of learning!!!! I dont know what is?!?!?
I toggle daily with emotions about every aspect of my life..my past, present and future..I hate the fact that I STILL secretly deep inside, wish to be the heroine for the path…then, I see his present victims Youtube diary and I see who her believing that she will BE the one to prove undying love to him…I see her in the depths of the web…I see what she can not and what she would not, even if explained to her or if she was warned..I see how the P is killing her soul….and I could only imagine what is and will be happening to his wife and child…There is no place for warning them..
So, i guess with all that said, give gratitude for where you are now and have faith in where you are going, for this is only but a season…this too shall pass:)

Ox Drover

Dear Reelilng,

I hear a lot of despair and depression in your post above. That negative attitude of “I can’t” is holding you back from making any progress. as long as you BELIEVE THAT that is what will HAPPEN.

You say you don’t want to take any medication for your depression. Well no one is going to force you to. But I think that is like saying “I don’t want to take any medication for my heart condition” or My diabetes, or any other medical condition you can name.

Medication for depression doesn’t “make you happy” it just helps level out your moods and is a REAL medical problem that cannot be over come with “wishful thinking”

Your description of your thinking, moods and attitudes shows to me that you have serious clinical depression and I advise you to be evaluated by a TRAINED MENTAL HEALTH PROVIDER. I would also suggest that you get some counseling to go along with the medication. it sounds like what is going on with you is not something that is going to be fixed by Love Fraud therapy or self help alone. Please consider a mental health eval. (((hugs)))

slimone

Alivetoday,

I had a very similar experience! In therapy for 20+ years, and didn’t ‘get it’ until I found out about personality disorders, and started reading books, like Women Who Love…..

Now, looking back from a bit of distance, I see that the each piece of my healing played a it’s part. No particular piece (books, therapy, friends support, maturing) was THE answer. They worked in ‘concert’ with one another.

And everyone is SO right. New awareness, and new feelings can send us into another storm of healing. It feels like we are going backwards, but we’re not.

You are getting there…..YAY!

still reeling

Alive…you are correct, we have much in common….I think the upbringing situation affected us similarly, esp our moms. My dad was a func. alc. Not sure who in your fam was alc.
My brother, like your sister, tremendously successful.
We really have walked similar paths and “enjoy” the same type of vulnerablities and the need for validation. Enter the path.
You sound very upbeat and I very much appreciate your thoughtful comments. I hope you stay in the groove – I’m not sure what the 5 seasons of grieving are, but will Google it.
I like what you said about moving in and out of grief and I think it’s a good thing to try and accept where we are and know it’s a kink in the hose that will straighten out…a temp slide backwards.
I have sought inner peace since I was a young 20-something. It’s “all” I want, ever wanted, finding a way there is difficult for me. Not a meditator and don’t like relaxation/breathing techniques tho I consider myself spiritual in some ways (not religious) and very much align with Buddhist-type beliefs.
Sometimes I feel there are so many routes to peace, I don’t know which way to go. Then I just get overwhelmed. The multi-tasking mentality along with a generous dose of ADD (self-diagnosis).
Hey, alive, keep on keepin’ on. You sound good.

Ox, thank you for your perspective on this. You are correct. I am depressed, clinically and situationally. Been in therapy for years and I will be OK. I know I am not myself but honestly, Ox, aging is, as they say, not for the weak. I have always had a hard time saying goodbye to anyone or anything I care about and waving to my youth hurts. It really hurts and I feel a deep loss and pain that I think for me, is normal. There is a lot more I won’t bore you with, but know that I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Love you guys..hey Lou!!!!!!!!!(ise!) You prob HATE “Lou”!!

Ox Drover

Dear Reeling,

I too was a very beautiful young woman, great figure and big boobs! I didn’t realize it though, and didn’t focus on my looks until they were waving bye to me! LOL

I look in the mirror now and I see my grandmother’s face…and I don’t know where the years…where the decades….went!

But I have since come to the realization about aging and that my worth doesn’t depend on my looks or how “desirable” I am to the males in the area.

I realize that the people who love me don’t love me for my looks but because of WHO I am. How I treat them.

If people only wanted me for my looks or were only attracted to my looks then why would I want them in my life anyway?

Some of the best friends I’ve ever had were grossly obese, or not what one would consider “attractive” but they were wonderful people and I didn’t “see” their looks or their weight I saw their spirits of love and light. I think we sometimes measure ourselves by the wrong yard stick and we should measure our worth by what kind of people we ARE not what we look like.

There’s a book called “Crones don’t whine” and it is about becoming what used to be called a “crone” which actually was a the word for a WISE OLDER WOMAN and was not a put down.

To revel in our cronehood, to really become the crones with wisdom and no longer troubled with the child bearing or rearing, but having freedom in our later years.

I am working to revel in my crone years!

spoon

still reeling

Hi. Sorry to hear about your depression this might help.
Not saying this is the answer but CAROL S. DWECK book “Mindset” is a good book that explains “fixed and growth mindsets. Lots of stuff on the net about it.

http://depressiontreatments.net/mindset-and-how-it-can-help-you-overcome-depression/
http://experiencelife.com/article/mindset/

I’d agree that acceptance of ourselves is paramount to our ability to move forward. We can’t unfortunately start at the finish line. Tried that many times. We got to accept all the good and all the not so good about ourselves.

Get better

My 2 Cents

still reeling

Ox, of course I hear you. I raised my daughter with the mindset that you are who you are *inside*, not outside, and tried hard not to appear too vain or worried about my looks. Of course, society had different plans for her with the emphasis on appearance, et al, ad nauseum. We all know how that works.

Thankfully, she is not like me, does not measure her self-worth by her looks/appearance. She is adorable, great figure, etc., but looks are not paramount in her life. Thankfully.

I have not and may never get to where you are…..the affect that my nurture had upon me along with the wiring, the way people viewed and reacted to me before and after I became “hot,” left a deep, deep impression. I am very senstive to it even today when I should be cutting myself a break. I still wince when I see guys look past me. That is a terribly embarrassing thing to admit and to feel, esp at my age. Path was so taken with my looks….I just don’t get it. But I was surely loving it!! And played to it. G-d only knows…I’m sure I reminded him of his mother (thank you Dr Freud).

Let me just say, I have today, in my possession, the photo album that my mother diligently put together, one of me and one of my brother. She gave them to us when she was in her 70’s. On the inside cover of mine is a picture of a baby, about a year old, with dark brown curls, big blue eyes, an adorable sprinkle of freckles. She cut it from a magazine and placed it in my photo album as the baby she wanted to have. It was all about looks. Even after all the health issues my brother had as a baby, (he’s 7 yrs older than I), she was still stupid dazed about looks, looks, looks. Her father was nuts and mean and had the same obsession with perfection and looks. He had 8 kids!! And all he cared about was how they looked. He treated all of them and his wife like shit. None of them got alone or even saw each other as adults. Hate was rampant.

The baby in the picture that served as an introduction to my photo album looks nothing like me, of course. She couldn’t be more opposite. But mom decided to leave it there anyway. I know she loved me, but true to her enormous self-hate and that for her father, she was always looking for a way to twist the knife. This was one of the ways she did so with me. It still hurts today because she brought me up to believe looks were everything, then let me know I didn’t measure up.

The criticisms were constant almost until the day she died, but only about me, not my brother. She adored and idolized him. There is no photo of another kid on his album. She would tell me how great he was, how he never gave them a minute’s trouble, how she protected him because he was short, had eczema on his face and she knew he was probably getting bullied at school. I completely bought this, idolized him, thought (still do think!) he’s amazing, brilliant, strong, thoughtful, caring, etc. I didn’t understand how she was twisting the knife with these comments because yes, they were true, but she was using them to put me down as much as she was to praise her son.

All through my young adulthood until today, I have struggled to understand and release myself from the shackles of low-esteem, confused identity and miserable lack of confidence my mother instilled in me. I still have not had success. So yes, I have been depressed for awhile as I’ve watched my looks fade. She truly cursed me and my ability to know and accept myself except in dribs and drabs. I believe this and where, at times, I have had better luck blowing it all off and feeling pretty good, today, after corporate America has seen fit to blow me off and not look back, then the experience with path, well who wouldn’t be depressed? Work was my one place of fairly constant support and focus. I was becoming a person of value to others and to myself, irrespective of my looks.

Sorry to have gone on, but I’m so irritated with myself for allowing this person to turn me inside out all my life, keeping me an eternal child with no confidence, no center. Godzilla just helped bring all that back to me and nail it into place. I know he and my mother are/were both sick but I have not been able to rise above this and be whoever it is I’m supposed to be without fear of rejection.

Therapy after therapy has not helped. It will not be taken into my gut. I do not like myself. I have accomplished nothing in my life. I do believe in many small ways I have made peoples’ lives better, maybe a little happier in my lifetime, but generally I’ve just tried to look good and get people to like me. This is why the focus on work has always been so important to me. It was a place to forget everything else, bad feelings, incompetencies, etc. I was a good worker. Now I don’t have that and haven’t since my 2010 layoff. The year at Godzilla’s place was a joke…made me despise myself in terms of the job, which was really a non-job, so disorganized, run by 20-somethings who they paid no $ and who had no idea how to work with people. It’s not their fault. They had no experience. Definitely smart kids but so lacking in maturity, even for their ages.

Spoon, thank you for your post and the links. I read both and definitely agree that I and all of us need to focus on the growth mindset and move away from the fixed, unless we are happy there. I’d take any mindset that will lead to peace.

Sorry to have again rambled, but if anyone has had this experience with a parent and is wired like I am, they will get it.

still reeling

PS – as long as I’m being obnoxiously selfish and wordy, just want to say that another big issue for me is that I am constantly fighting the urge to do exactly what my mother did and still does in my head….twist the knife. It causes me huge discomfort and simultaneous feelings of self-hate and zero self-esteem. Sometimes I will praise one of my daughters’ friends (a huge success in life way beyond any of the other girls in their wonderful group) on FB for another of her incredible ongoing accomplishments and I know that it hurts my daughter. Or at least I think it hurts her…it may not. So WHY do I do it? I also praise my daughter hugely and openly to compensate. But I still know I am twisting the knife by praising the friend.

My mom would say similar things around my husband who doesn’t have a college degree and has worked hard to get into IT without it. She’d talk about her friends’ sons who were doctors, lawyers, had prestigious degrees, etc. There was no reason to do this. When something like this slips out of me, I just detest myself more.

I want to get back into that mindset I was in before I got canned by the fortune 500. I was enjoying growing older, still worrying about death, etc., but was cutting myself breaks right and left and because of that, my attitude, outlook and mindset were so much healthier. I blew off so many negative feelings, just saying, “Hey, I’ve been there, done that and it’s all OK.” When someone said something that I might have considered hurtful at one time, I blew that off too, thinking, hey, they probably didn’t mean it as I took it, remember whose daughter I am!!! Persecution complex to the nth!!

It is my goal to get back there and without the inclusion of a path or anyone else. I have the tools – I just need to choose to use them. And stop thinking about death. BTW, I have read Kubler-Ross. Those arethe 5 stages I think you were referring to alive, correct?

OK, again, my apologies for rambling, but again, hope it resonates with some of you and you know you aren’t alone.

Ox Drover

Still reeling I found some contradictions in your post above as well as some self defeating things I will list them here and then comment underneath when I am done listing.

1)I know she loved me, but true to her enormous self-hate and that for her father, she was always looking for a way to twist the knife. This was one of the ways she did so with me. It still hurts today because she brought me up to believe looks were everything, then let me know I didn’t measure up.

My comment: I do NOT think your mother “loved” you, I think she was disappointed in you for whatever reason and the family ROLE that you filled was the one of the SCAPE GOAT, and your brother who could do no wrong was the GOLDEN CHILD.

In dysfunctional families this family “drama” has set parts for various members to play and in the children there is the “golden child” who can do no wrong, my son Patrick plays that part in my family for my mother. Even in prison for murder he is the golden one, and must be protected at all costs–the family enabler is the protector and protects him. The SCAPE GOAT is the role I fill now since I refused to accept the enabler role. My son C was the family failure and would have been the scape goat if I had accepted the enabler role. He and I both chose to opt out of our assigned roles but my egg donor goes along playing to an empty stage…alone on her stage and the community is her audience.

She never loved me either…and I filed the family whipping boy post for quite some time but due to the fact we have a small family, she needed someone to fill the family enabler role when she died.

In role theory people may change roles when a piviotil role goes unfilled in the family through death or leaving the family.

It isn’t about love…your mother didn’t love you…she really didn’t love anyone, even your golden child brother. It was all just a family play, a drama.

2.Therapy after therapy has not helped. It will not be taken into my gut. I do not like myself. I have accomplished nothing in my life.

ANSWER: Obviously you haven’t found the right one, or you haven’t gone into it with the proper mind set. As long as you BELIEVE it will not help, it will not help, it is a self fulfilling prophecy. You must change your thinking before it CAN work.

3.It is my goal to get back there and without the inclusion of a path or anyone else. I have the tools ”“ I just need to choose to use them. And stop thinking about death.

ANSWER: yes, you need to CHOOSE to use them. Just because you got canned from your fortune 500 job doesn’t mean you are a failure or worthless….your worth does NOT depend on anything outside yourself, unless you let it.

4.)as long as I’m being obnoxiously selfish and wordy, just want to say that another big issue for me is that I am constantly fighting the urge to do exactly what my mother did and still does in my head”.twist the knife.

ANSWER: You make a reference to being OBNOXIOUS and SELFISH because your post is long. I say WHY? Why do you think you are obnoxious or selfish? Do you really think this or are you just saying it because you think it is expected to say this?

Why are you allowing a woman who is dead to determine how you feel? (you don’t have to answer any of these questions to me or anyone else, but only to yourself.)

Why is it bad to praise one of your daughter’s friends? Why not ASK your daughter if it hurts her when you praise her friends rather than ASSUME (mind read) what she thinks by passing it through the filter of what YOU feel or think?

Reeling I hope you will look at these points I have made and THINK about them…and then go back to therapy with a different mind set….

Sure your mother labeled you the family failure, you failed to live up to her expectations, and your brother was labeled the golden child who could not fail.

YOU CAN opt out of that role, or playing it inside your head.

I was labeled that in my family I never lived up to my mother’s expectations or demands. I was never perfect and only perfection was good enough.

You said you have the tools, I hope you will USE them and not to stay in a self defeating…I CANNOT DO IT. You CAN do it, but only if you bring yourself to BELIEVE you can do it. Good luck.

spoon

still reeling

Sorry for the pain. Do know what it is like there. Good thing is it’s not permanent. And no need to apologize. We feel what we feel. Doesn’t mean that what we feel is true. But we do have to work from where we are.

The reason it didn’t get into your guts is you didn’t change how you saw [beliefs] the past events. As Ox pointed out about your mother. What she did had to do with her. How she felt about herself. It was never about you. Yes it was dumped on you. And as a child we normally take it as we’ve done something wrong to cause this and if we can’t, as a child come up with a reason like we broke this or that then all that is left to us is we are bad. But that is the understanding of a child. Now we can’t change the events. But we can change the meaning of the events. My mother was full of crap and didn’t know how to love a child. Her crap is hers. Her crap is not mine. Lots of different ways to say it.

The beliefs we have are mostly half truths. And most of our beliefs we created when we where kids. So if we ever want to see them in action go watch some 5 to 7 year old’s. Ask them about how they see the world.

Now one of the problems we run into is the emotional side of the equation. And by what you wrote I’d say that is where your trapped. You can’t move forward because you don’t know how to or don’t want to let go of all the emotions associated with your mother. Sometimes we can even get some sense of satisfaction with the constant arguments in our heads.

The other thing about the emotional state is it can over power our intellect. The higher the emotional state the harder it is for us to negate it.

For the emotional stuff I know of a technique that will remove the emotions from past events. When you strip the emotions from the event it becomes like any over none meaning event. It has no effect on us.

To remove the emotions from a remembered event.

The reason to do this is, it is not the event but the meaning we gave the event that we keeps us reliving the event. And what is causing it is the emotion(s) that we have attached to the event.

The higher the emotional state the harder it is to over come it intellectually. So in most cases the emotional state will always trump our rational thought process.

The simple explanation of the removal process is you are going to play the memory in reverse. This can also be used on the crap we say to ourselves. And any emotional state that is causing problems.

The steps.

1) Sit down and replay the event in your head. When you feel the emotions from the event reach over and pinch yourself, doesn’t matter where and hold it. It doesn’t have to be hard, just so that you feel it. What this does is anchor the emotional state.

2) Now let your mind go back in time to where the event happened. Now go past the event if the emotional state drops off then go back to the event and go to the next step.. If it doesn’t then continue going back in time till you hit the next event and check passed it. What we are looking for is where this emotion first started. But if you don’t get the first one it’s no big deal. If the emotional state shows back up just go kill it again.

Now that we have the problem event we want to Killing the emotions hooked it.

Pretend your setting in the projection room of a movie theater. There is a thick glass window and nothing can get to you. [you can let go of pinching yourself.] Now play the movie of the event backwards about double speed. When it ends, the screen goes blank. Play it again. Screen goes blank. Play it again faster. Each time it ends the screen goes blank. Now around the fourth time let the movie screen start sliding out and keep running the movie and just let it keep sliding until it disappears.

When it has disappeared step back into the event right before it happened and follow it back to the present then watch it continue on into the future. This will clear out any other events that use this emotional state in the past and in the future.

If you have trouble seeing the movie not a big deal. You know it is there. The effects will be the same.

If you have trouble finding the seed event. This is where you have followed it all through your past but you can still feel it out there beyond you. Simply turn your head toward the feeling. This one you will kill by turning your head through the feeling. You will feel the pressure of it like a bubble. With this one you’ll butt it up against your temple and then move your head until it is passed the other temple. For most left to right. And you will feel it as it passes from temple to temple. Do this repeatedly. Then when you can push it out and let it slide out just like the movie exercise.

The effects is you can still remember the event but you will not have the emotions. So no more need to relive it. Plus you’ll have a hole in your head. You may be more emotional, cry, angry etc.. Sleep can be messed up for a few nights. The bigger the emotional state that was killed the greater the effects, will be. And it can open up other things you have suppressed or forgotten about. This is a good thing. If it is in you then it will effect you until it is dealt with.

And each time you kill something. Smile that crap is no longer going to bother you. Tell yourself good job, way to go etc. Then bring on the next one. Because the sooner they are killed the sooner you can have your revenge. And that is to have a happy life.

The steps will shorten as you do this a few times to the point that you will no longer need to do the projector room you will just play the move backwards, letting it slide out of sight and follow it back to the present and let it move on out to the future.

Another pointer is any time you find one that you want to kill but you can’t do the exercise at that moment. Just anchor it with the pinch and with this one pinch a little harder but don’t bruise yourself. Now when you have the time pinch the same place and the emotional state will pop up and you can follow it back and kill it. Make sure that you pinch a place you will remember. Like squeeze the middle finger. In a sense your flipping off the emotional state.

For a test you can use one like this “I still wince when I see guys look past me.” Run this one through the technique. Then go test it out. If you still get a wince anchor it. Then follow it back and kill it.

There is another if your having problems getting the picture of someone out of your head. The exploding smurf.

Let the picture of the psycho or who ever you want out, form in your head. Now turn it blue or any bright color(s) will work. Now start shrinking the picture of the blue psycho until it is very small-tiny and if it talks make the voice squeaky where you can’t even hear or understand it. Now grin and push the button that makes the psycho smurf explode, very very violently, a massive explosion. The blue covers your whole field of vision. Open your eyes. Now try and see the picture of the psycho.

Hope this helps

alivetoday

Still reeling,

yes, that was what I was referring to from Oxy’s site reference..

I just wanted to tell you, that yes I do understand you and I feel all the same emotions as you. I want to share with you that Ox makes direct and great points that for me are hard to swallow because I dont want to believe anything different than what I perceive and how I can excuse and protect myself…or protect my mother (and father, for that matter) for raising me the best they knew how to in that era….

however, today in therapy, and actually for the first time in years, was filled with anger (a lot the anger surfaced with the reading of Women who Love psychopaths) (my therapist was happy about my anger:))….but before we actually started into the depth of the session, she expressed herself (which she normally does not give opinions, only education) she said that I should have been raised in foster care and that I was completely neglected as a child!! I thought, no..i was always groomed well in my youth and maybe in my teens she was not there because my father died and she had to work and would come home every day raging!! and yes I was the scapegoat…but the point is, I dont want to believe that is true…I dont want to see the bad, when she told me with her words and hugs how much she loved me and then she would tell me what I needed was a good beating and proceed to do so….I thought I must deserve it because I fought back to express myself…

Personally, today, I think I had my first major breakthrough in therapy after years and years and years…My therapist said above all to be kind to myself and not to shame myself by blaming myself and telling myself, that I should have known what the “P” was doing and doing to me…that I stayed in for the long run regardless…etc, etc…

I also have been on antidepressants for at least 18 years and struggled to get off of them as the “P” said I was crazy when laughing at me and being cruel to showing how much he loved me, telling me to get off of them and he was going to be there the whole time as I got off of them and love and support me through it…I tried, but could not as the one I was on was very difficult to get off of…however, 2 years later from his demands, I finally somehow did get off the strong one while I had added a nonaddictive (or one that does not build up in your system, a much lighter one?) simultaneously…I am still on this light one (although I told him I was completely off of all med) I really like this one because I lost 10lbs with it and my eating issues really keep me on it…my point is, they do help and until I feel that I can manage “life” and my bouts of depression do not go so deep etc, I will remain on them…they do keep me from totally sinking although, i usually thought they were not working because I felt that I was sinking..I just never went down for the kill…..and yes, over 18 years, I had been on many different meds until I found the one that worked for me…

I do recognize and relate to all that you are saying about your life…but our perspectives have to change…and they will if we keep on keeping on!! 🙂

It Takes 2

Hi All,
I have been reading LF for over a year now and thought I could manage the roller coaster emotions alone by reading and learning.
While I’ve been somewhat able to put the S episode behind me (2.5 years of his nonsense)… I haven’t been able to fully function as I was before I met him. He really did a number in my life.
I’m angry, feel alone (even w family around), and lost. Ive been taking anxiety meds for almost ten years. While they might supply a little ray of hope each day….I just keep getting sucked back into memories of despair regarding Him.
I’m going to try the mental imaging as posted above and Posting here. I haven’t really posted before and it’s worth a try, huh?
So, “hi”! 🙂

Ox Drover

Dear it takes two, welcome to LF and glad you are posting not just lurking! Knowledge is power, so take back your power and keep on learning! God bless, and again, welcome!

It Takes 2

Thank you Ox.
Last July, after much reading here, I decided to go total NC. He lives in the UK while I’m in the USA so at that time only email exchanges as I hadn’t seen him well over a year. I finally felt relief without too much despair as I was happy and felt I could finally move forward without him.
then….
I continued reading comments here about how the S will probably try to contact his victim again and I thought, No way! as the last emails had gotten off track and rude on his part all of the sudden (probably had his next victim then) That is when I went NC.
Sure enough, mid January I get an email saying he’s working in the USA and that I could call him if I want to chat.
I was shocked to hear from him again! He’s high functioning, ‘CEO’, NS variety creep.
At that moment I felt very powerful and proud of myself for keeping NC. I knew he was expecting me to call or email him back and I didn’t do either.
It is because of this blog and all the people here that turned on the lightbulb for me, that I have rid myself of the biggest Rat in the UK. I hope his huge Ego burst into a splatter when I never responded. I’ll just have to imagine that it did.

MoonDancer

Hi It takes 2,
I have said before that I will never be the same person again after the encounter with the Xspath BF. I understand your feeling of loss because we lost who we were before. As much as we want to undo all the madness, we can not forget this lesson. At first it was all about him and how could he do that. Then it became more about me and how and why did I allow that to begin with. Your core being is still there, just give yourself time to grow new wings and you will fly higher than ever before.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

it takes 2 –
a long time ago, oxy posted a few phrases that really stuck with me. ‘no, there aren’t always two sides to every story’, is the one that comes to mind when i read your screen name. the other is, ‘no, there ISN’T good in everyone.’

I am sorry you are in the pain you are in. spaths suck – in every way imaginable. you have taken a good step by reaching out and posting. getting out of isolation is so important.

it’s been 2 years and 8 months since i spoke to the spath. it takes a lot of time to get over, past and through this experience. it goes so deep, and effects every aspect of our lives and beings – that’s a lot of sorting to do!

keep posting, it will help a lot.

best,
one joy

one/joy_step_at_a_time

hey hens – my package of new wings came in the mail the other day, and one of them is on back order. i just keep flying around in circles. 😉

It Takes 2

I hope you are right, Hens.

While I’m happy to not be missing the creep, I still feel angry. I try so hard to replace the ‘good’ memories with the current reality of what I now know he is and what he was really doing. It hurts.

Why would he contact me after not hearing from me since July? He yo-yoed me for 1.5 years and when I finally wised up and discarded him in July….And I’m sure he was shocked. And I’ll never tell him I discovered he’s a NS either. He must think I’m so angry and bitter that I won’t talk to him… when in fact I’m relieved that he’s not in my life anymore.

At least I can separate the two things. Angry about having ‘good’ memories. Happy he is out of my life.

MoonDancer

onesteprs, at least yer flyin – dont get to dizzy tho…

one/joy_step_at_a_time

as long as i keep one eye shut and the other on one point on the horizon, i’m good. 🙂

one/joy_step_at_a_time

peace out- time for bed.

It Takes 2

One Joy,
Thanks. I think in a normal relationship it’s easy to say It Takes Two to make a happy union. But when dealing w a NS etc., there’s really no chance of having an equally happy union. How could there be?
Once I read LF and realized he was only going to get worse over time, then I knew getting away was the only answer for me. Thank goodness I kept reading here until it completely soaked in. He was never who he portrayed himself to be. So I know I’m lucky to be away from his nonsense.
I feel I need to post and feel connected. I have no one that really understands what happened to me. When I look back, it feels as if I’m watching a movie, just unreal. People that haven’t lived it just can’t relate. I used to be one of those before I met him….(sigh)..

MoonDancer

take 2 – Dont be angry for loving someone, you would never have stayed as long as you did if it all was bad. I have good memories of my X, at time’s he (acted) like the perfect partner..hey if I had known he was just acting from the get go I would of done things differently..Life aint always gonna go the way we planned, so we got to live the life we got waitin on us..

It Takes 2

Well, but then you wake up and realize you were a puppet that was played and toyed with.
I still like who I am and what I stand for, knowing I’m capable of giving real love. But finding out that the puppet master at the controls has a hidden agenda- just makes me sick.
I hate he even knows me. But if anything good has come out of this puppet show it’s that I don’t allow strings tied around my wrists anymore. I carry scissors!

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