By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Each one of us has more power than we generally perceive we do. Some people, in fact, do not recognize that they have any power over either what happens to them, or to how they react to what happens to them. Yet, we are totally powerful people; we have total power over what goes on inside us.
Recognizing that I am a powerful person with ultimate control over my emotions and actions is a heady feeling, and a scary feeling too. It is heady because it gives us a feeling that we can control ourselves, but it is scary because we also realize that there is no one else who can save us if we fail to exercise that power fully or competently.
When we were children, if we became frightened or sad, we could call on the god-like adults in our world to make us safe and to keep us safe. They could turn on the lights to scare away the monsters that might be lurking there when we could not reach the switch.
At some point in our lives, though, we must recognize that no one can do for us what we must do for ourselves, and that is to exercise our power to keep us as safe as possible from external events and internal tidal waves.
External events
Sometimes things happen externally that devastate our internal and external worlds: A trusted friend/family member/lover dies or betrays us, or a recession, depression, bankruptcy, or war intervenes in our carefully built and safe life that we could not have foreseen. This external event sweeps us away into an abyss of loss and despair. We see our own mortality, or that our life is half gone and we have not accomplished the “you should do x-es” that we had always thought we would do.
We let our sense of devastation externally and internally push us into an abyss of grief and pain. How do we take back our power when we feel so powerless, so naked and vulnerable? How will we ever feel safe again?
Recognizing that we are not in complete control of external events is a scary feeling, yet one that we must, as adults, face. Recognizing the truth that our plans for our future may not all be possible at this point in life is also necessary, and may sadden us.
Phases of life
Just as a child grows through various stages from birth to leaving home, adults too pass through various stages of adulthood. Erick Erickson described them as x, y, z. Unfortunately he did not describe them in great detail, but left his theories for others to expound upon.
I agree with Erickson that we go through various phases in adulthood as we move through the decades of the twenties, thirties, forties, etc. We are not the same person in each of these decades of our lives. We have different wants, needs, skills and knowledge as we move through life.
While it is easy to see that it would be an inappropriate thing for a 60-year-old woman to be sad that she could not marry, conceive a child and raise a family at that age, sometimes, we are saddened because we cannot have all the options at age 30 or 40 that we did at age 20.
Taking stock
When an external event precipitates a major change in our lives, or even an internal tidal wave of regrets or realizations of our lives makes us “sit up and take notice” of where we are on the life-time continuum, we pass through a stage where we may feel powerless over our emotions.
An encounter with a psychopath may be the precipitating external event in our lives, but it can be anything, or nothing in particular. A painful encounter, though, gives us the opportunity to take stock of where we are, where we wish to go, and who we are in the next phase of our adult lives. It is a time to truly recognize that we will not live forever, and that we are subject to the natural laws of this world, and yet, to rise above this and to find significant meaning in ourselves and in our lives.
We can use the external events to grow and refocus our lives, realizing that we do have power, complete power, over some things, and that we have no power over other things. We can live while we live, and find meaning and satisfaction in each of the stages of our lives.
How often is Narcissism passed from parent to child? I discovered something last night that I found interesting. Work was slow so I got on N’s company website-hoping to find a message that she had been fired. I think it could happen this year, due to her inability to work/play well with others and picking fights with her “important” people. Anyway, I came across a photo from her big formal gala last September. It was her, the sister, and the mom together with mom in the middle of the two girls.
I decided to compare eyes and smiles. Both N and the sister have very dark, almost black eyes and mom’s are ice blue. The sister had a big fun natural looking happy smile on her face-like she was having a lot of fun. Her eyes smile with the rest of her face. N’s eyes look flat and dead on don’t match her smile. Her smile looked forced and fake. When I looked at the mother I realized that she and N have the identical smile and cold dead eyes that don’t smile with the rest of their faces. It’s such a strange feeling to see those eyes so differently. I used to think they were the most beautiful intense eyes I had ever seen-couldn’t take my eyes off of her. I would almost get lost in them. Now I see them as cold, dead, unfeeling and a little scary. Weird, but glad I noticed.
Hey Spoon,
Just wanted to clarify…the “hard pressed to forgive her” was meant for another blogger’s situation regarding her mom. Not that there aren’t similarities but that comment was for her.
The book you are reading sounds phenomenal..would love to hear your take on more when/if you feel like posting it.
WOW, I can relate directly to all of that completely.
Yes the “insecure attachment style” and I have an intimate relationship. Everything you wrote below that is so relative to my thinking pattern and choices, down to why the self-help books don’t (help). So many aha moments, such wonderful freeing fixes and none of them worked. Exactly, because where it hits the intellect, it doesn’t sift thru to the gut. Insights and awareness are great but they do not cure. I truly do go with re-wiring, but have not found a way to do this..
May have to get this book..haven’t even started the ones I have tho! And must job hunt…these nitty “chores” just keep getting in my way. But then, I like to eat and electricity is nice to have esp in this mucky, nasty weather, so job hunt, I MUST!!
Please do share more of your insights on this book and anything else you feel like sharing. Such good stuff.
Truth, great that you spoke to your sons. How did they react? I am greatly disgusted that hard as I tried, I kind of dissed my daughter (and def my hub) during those horrible dark fake fantasy months. It took all my strength to think of or be around anyone but him and I was never really around him…only a few x in the office, but there was email and a couple of phone calls (awful-hated talking to him on the phone). That’s how invested I was in NOTHING.
I also went to dinner with my daughter and explained to her about him…she dated a path too but hates his guts and now has a very nice, loving BF. I’m so thrilled. She’s like me and also different – much better off than I. Complicated.
I did do some bad things when I was stressed during her teen yrs. Silent treatment mainly. I promised myself i would never ever because it killed me when my mom did it to me. I have never stopped apologizing for it to her. She swears that she understands but there is not hardly a day that goes by when I don’t hope and pray that it did not harm her.
Truth, sorry you feel weepy today. Whatever helps you feel better, please do it. You are so awesome and such an inspiration to others. Sure wish you could turn that around onto yourself. Many warm hugs.
Shouts and hugs to you too, Spoon.
Hey Skylar and Truthspeak, I just want to clarify….. I was not doing anything out of my character when this happened. I had a failure 10 YEARS prior…… which I immediatley followed all the steps laid out for me to be forgiven and restored. When this happened I was loving and serving everyone, including the God I love….and a newly married bride to a Psyco who systematically destroys each woman he comes in contact with. After threatening me and drugging me,he had me make a phone call, THAT is what they are hurt about, and what they are angry about! I can’t very well own something I did that he drugged me to do. But I want to if they will take my calls….. their stipulation is I have to put myself under this Pastor who is still snowballed by the Spath. It would be the same as me putting myself under him! SO I can;t. It’s not that I WONT. From the second he handed me a drink and I left a msg I have no remembrance of, the door has been slammed shut to me. He continues to feed them the poison of lies mixed with everything entrusted to him by me,. It is because they can’t believe their Mom would ever do THAT, and do not know there are people such as spaths that are evil that has caused them to block me!! You would have had to kill me before I ever would have made any call hurting my kids in anyway!!! Nothing in me would have never lashed out at my kids…. I would LOVE to ask forgiveness, and have tried everyway I know to reach out to them…
I have to say that I have reached out here because I have chosen not to speak to anyone, but to try to pick the pieces of my life up and go on. I thought this was a community of people that would not judge.
I have been hurt the last two times I have posted. Read the postings after mine,comparing me to your mothers, or your own mothering…. and you don’t even know me. I chose to put my kids first. They knew that, and so the phone call they can’t even process.
Not everyone is at the same place as you.
Unfortunatley we are all “victims” of the spath and then have to turn that around to become survivors out of the ashes of what is left…… that is a process. That does not mean that those of us who are new to this cannot feel, or grieve, or seek counsel without looking like we have not owned our stuff, are terrible mothers and “victims”. Which you applauded in the last post around Easter when I reached out,and I felt so hurt by that.
I have in every way wanted to own my stuff, ask forgiveness of anything I ever done to hurt anyone. The spath set up a scenario to isolate me, was selling my house out from me in secret, had told the neighbors I would not be living in the home after 2 weeks time ( where was I going?)….I do not know what his entire plan was but I know it wasn’t good…. the only control he has is my kids, and he is working it hard. Just took a daughter on a missions trip with kids, while I have nudist family camps on his computer with NAKED kids!!
Spaths destroy and they project.
I am not your mothers.
I was a mom that never once fought with my daughters, called names, abused or in anyway abused them. I actually was the Mom who was trying to hold the family togehter in the midst of a man who had a HIDDEN addiction for 28 years. Believe it or not we were a loving family, my daughters are Christians and they never even had to turn to drugs or premarital sex! When I divorced the first man of 28 years even after 3 years of standing by him after he stole all my business money, uncovered he hated all women, had secret affairs and was only using me to keep the “front” up to all . …. After the divorce my children totally surrounded me, and we still had a strong family!
We loved eachother immensely and it remained that way until I met this spath and in 10 months he turned everyone against me.
I saw the look in the spaths eye of envy for the family relationships I had. That is WHY he destroyed us. He couldn’t stand the love we had….. I knew something was wrong,I saw him watching us, studying us…… but never dreamed he was planning to destroy it so that I could never enjoy my kids and grandkids again!! He saw, as well as everyone who knew us what a loving family we WERE.
Had this Spath not comein to this family we would still be loving and in relationship, so…….please do not compare me to your mothers.
So once again, this is the second time I have attempted to blog to others that have felt the ramifications of a spath,,,,,,but instead I am told I am the vicitim, and am compared to your abusive mothers and that I am not owning her stuff.
I will continue to grieve and grow, with God….. I just needed loving arms around me. Words of councel and encouragement.
Maybe you have been on here too long when you can no longer connect or identify with someone who is still reeling from the shock, betrayal, and total destrustion that the spath creates for you to live in. Most of us may be codependant, but that does not make us all abusive.
Physical pain will heal, but they know that emotional pain will be with you forever, and mine revels in the fact that I no longer have the one thing that I devoted everyday of my life to. My Children who I love with all my heart! That doesnt make me a victim. That is the truth.
Sorry you had such terrible Moms, but my daughters and I were crazy for eachother, and I will not take blame for something the Spath did to destroy us.
Thanks,….. you won’t see me posting on here again. It feels lick a cliche’ and it feels like you judge people before you even know them.
Blessings to all on this path of healing…….
Bella,
I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.
You asked for advice and it was very difficult to assess what your daughter was angry about from the little you said. I thought I remembered you had an affair? and thought she was referring to that. (Though it would be none of her business anyway)
If you read my posts to everyone, I’m all about figuring things out to see where WE have power to make changes. Because we can’t change anyone else but ourselves.
So, my post to you was to try to figure out what was in YOUR power to make a difference.
Because I have very little to go on with your story, I ended my post to you with: “I don’t know if any of that will help you. All I can offer is my own story and experience. ((hugs)) ”
That’s all it was. my story, for you to look at to see if there was anything you can use out of it. It was the story of my own feelings about my own mother.
Honestly, I can’t imagine how your daughter could break off a relationship over ONE phone call, regardless of how over the top it was. My own attachment to my mother is still so strong that I can’t completely sever it after 3 years of understanding that she had undermined me and reveled in my pain for my whole life. They laughed when I asked them why they didn’t tell me what they knew about my spath.
“Well, how much money did you give your mother?” was my dad’s response after the third time I asked him.
“Oh about $500! bwahahahahahaaha!” my mother replied for me.
WTF?
And still I can’t detach from them completely. My dad cries when he sees me.
So you see, I can’t really make sense out of your daughters behavior. I can only offer my own story to you, to see if there’s anything useful there that can help you make sense.
As always, Bella, I offer my compassion too. That’s always there. I just don’t see my compassion will get your daughter back, so I thought I’d try something else.
((hugs))
hi everyone. remember me?! 4 years no contact almost to the day. took that long to not be half-dead, to stand up straight, to turn around the death of my body and spirit. and right on cue. a phone call. a hang up from me. another phone call with a message. a text.
‘long time no talk, baby! just wanted you to know i’m doing really great and i need to talk to you about something that’s really important. i know i was a bad boyfriend, but i know i can be a better friend. you can’t still be upset with me. i’ll never call you again, but this is my cell number and you can call me any time. i just needed to get some people out of my life — oh, no, i don’t mean YOU! — but i’m free from crazy women in my life and i think you should call me because i’m doing really well.”
no shit.
my heart has been racing for two hours. i’ve already blocked the number. they NEVER give up.
sigh.
lostingrief:
Oh, nooooo!!! Yikes. Four years is a long time. Wow. Be strong.
lost in grief – I remember you well, this is henry..I am also at four years no contact. a month or so ago he moved back into my neck of the woods, I have seen him but he has not made any contact and I doubt he will…All the same I was very unnerved by seeing him. I can only imagine what your feeling right now…delete his number, dont give it time to imprint on your mind, dont go there lost in grief..hang in there and stay cool this will pass…no contact is power,,hang on to it.
lostingrief:
I don’t know your story. Do you mind rewriting it? Please don’t do it if it’s going to bring the feelings back. Thanks.
lostingrief – now, if only he would keep his promise to never call you again! LOSER.
my n x called last summer. the reception was bad (she was doing her usual passing through town, calling from the road shit) and it was hard to hear her. I asked who was calling and she said her name. I went dead silent and thought about what i wanted to do. I decided on this, ‘no can do.’ and hung up.
I am really glad the LOSER didn’t actually connect with you via phone. i would be hard pressed not to whack the phone on the nearest hard surface.
Lostingrief,
GOOD for you for coming here. What a loser. I had one come back eleven years later. When I figured out who it was I said ‘Oh NO!’. He asked ‘Do you want me to hang up’. And I said ‘NO, I’ll do it’.
And did.
They are such giant disgusting lying losers!
Slim