By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Each one of us has more power than we generally perceive we do. Some people, in fact, do not recognize that they have any power over either what happens to them, or to how they react to what happens to them. Yet, we are totally powerful people; we have total power over what goes on inside us.
Recognizing that I am a powerful person with ultimate control over my emotions and actions is a heady feeling, and a scary feeling too. It is heady because it gives us a feeling that we can control ourselves, but it is scary because we also realize that there is no one else who can save us if we fail to exercise that power fully or competently.
When we were children, if we became frightened or sad, we could call on the god-like adults in our world to make us safe and to keep us safe. They could turn on the lights to scare away the monsters that might be lurking there when we could not reach the switch.
At some point in our lives, though, we must recognize that no one can do for us what we must do for ourselves, and that is to exercise our power to keep us as safe as possible from external events and internal tidal waves.
External events
Sometimes things happen externally that devastate our internal and external worlds: A trusted friend/family member/lover dies or betrays us, or a recession, depression, bankruptcy, or war intervenes in our carefully built and safe life that we could not have foreseen. This external event sweeps us away into an abyss of loss and despair. We see our own mortality, or that our life is half gone and we have not accomplished the “you should do x-es” that we had always thought we would do.
We let our sense of devastation externally and internally push us into an abyss of grief and pain. How do we take back our power when we feel so powerless, so naked and vulnerable? How will we ever feel safe again?
Recognizing that we are not in complete control of external events is a scary feeling, yet one that we must, as adults, face. Recognizing the truth that our plans for our future may not all be possible at this point in life is also necessary, and may sadden us.
Phases of life
Just as a child grows through various stages from birth to leaving home, adults too pass through various stages of adulthood. Erick Erickson described them as x, y, z. Unfortunately he did not describe them in great detail, but left his theories for others to expound upon.
I agree with Erickson that we go through various phases in adulthood as we move through the decades of the twenties, thirties, forties, etc. We are not the same person in each of these decades of our lives. We have different wants, needs, skills and knowledge as we move through life.
While it is easy to see that it would be an inappropriate thing for a 60-year-old woman to be sad that she could not marry, conceive a child and raise a family at that age, sometimes, we are saddened because we cannot have all the options at age 30 or 40 that we did at age 20.
Taking stock
When an external event precipitates a major change in our lives, or even an internal tidal wave of regrets or realizations of our lives makes us “sit up and take notice” of where we are on the life-time continuum, we pass through a stage where we may feel powerless over our emotions.
An encounter with a psychopath may be the precipitating external event in our lives, but it can be anything, or nothing in particular. A painful encounter, though, gives us the opportunity to take stock of where we are, where we wish to go, and who we are in the next phase of our adult lives. It is a time to truly recognize that we will not live forever, and that we are subject to the natural laws of this world, and yet, to rise above this and to find significant meaning in ourselves and in our lives.
We can use the external events to grow and refocus our lives, realizing that we do have power, complete power, over some things, and that we have no power over other things. We can live while we live, and find meaning and satisfaction in each of the stages of our lives.
‘no I will do it’ lmao,
i just love the juxtaposition of these two captions, on videos right beside one another on yahoo ‘news’: ‘Bill Clinton poses with porn stars’, and ‘(Hilary) Clinton meets Sonia Ghandi’ (President of India’s federal ruling Congress party.)
Slim, NICE ONE!
henry! hey darlin! thanks for the support, everyone.
i couldnt believe my ears when i answered the phone and it was him. SAY WHO?! of course i hung up! he will never have the privilege of hearing my voice again. guess he dumped baby-mama #3 and needs someone to cook for him, amuse him, massage him, f%^k him, worship him…WHATEVER. ain’t gonna happen!
besides, i’ve gained 60 lbs, so, if nothing else, THAT will keep him away. while i’m strong enough to say a resounding EFF OFF to him, the healing continues. i was nearly dead from the extreme mindfuck. he’s the Demon incarnate and 25 years was forever. there’s so much fallout and still so much healing left to do; i don’t communicate closely with men, no sex since spath left, far more solitary, no trust, unattached to people or things. still in trauma therapy as i have PTSD. but, i’m alive.
i knew exactly where to go when this asshole called. lovefraud. because four years ago his website saved my sanity and my life.
Lostingrief,
Glad to hear you are taking care of YOU. You are very smart to come to this site when IT called.
That’s right; your still alive and doing what’s best for you.
ps. The birds woke me up at 4:45 😉 All in all not a bad way to be woken up at all.
lol. birds woke me up at 4:45 too. life is good when your spathless!
It’s great to hear that people are able to fully recover from these experiences with paths, even though I’m grief-sricken myself at how they have just plain ravaged the good peoples’ lives on this forum.
I have come to believe that my short non-relationship w/Godzilla, who I do believe to fit the mold of a sociopath, was absolutely zero compared to the years of torture many have endured, not just the emotional trauma, which is horrible enough, but to be left financially drained and have to start all over as well, is just beyond horrifying. I’m truly in awe of those of you who have grown from these experiences and are so courageously pulling your lives back together day by day.
It’s as if a sinister tornado ripped through your mental, physical, emotional and financial well-being and stole most, if not all, of it. The re-building and re-shaping of your life in all aspects is no small feat. I am in awe of anyone in this position and think of you with full hope, respect and love. This is what you deserve and nothing less.
I know Godzilla was a path. However, he also was just not that into me. It hurts beyond belief and as I look back at his weak attempts to get together, after the initial hit and my complete rejection of it (I was shocked and fully not expecting it so kind of walked away). I so wish I had handled things differently. I believe from there, I spun a fantasy around his emails, well wishes when I had surgery, little compliments, even asking me over once when my husband was out of town. These things meant nothing. He ignored me most of the time and didn’t even listen to anything I had to say that didn’t scan as something from which he could benefit.
I am so disgusted that I basically fell for this guy as I did for his ilk when I was young. I knew he was totally inappropriate and not in the way of a guy who has quite innocently fallen in love. Yet I allowed myself to act like an unhinged schoolgirl and accept his crumbs, while basically ignoring my family. I am obsessive and he was all I thought about. It served as a nice cocoon and distraction, as I’ve said before, from all my anxious worrying about anything and everything imagineable.
He always offered to help me with whatever I needed and told me to make him my direct focal even though he was mgr to my mgr. This really sucked me in.
At the end, he ignored me for a week. Wouldn’t even say hello. I ran into him in the hall and told him I was ill and needed to go home. I was at the beginning of a horrible flu and didn’t know it…just thought I was anxious. He looked so serene and handsome.
He called after I got home, then 2 more x that week, but as usual, he was unable to spit out whatever it was he wanted. I just thought he was calling to find out if I was ok. That confused me too throughout the f.ship and kept me hanging in because I realized how hard it was for him to express himself….subtle hints and the occasional short, small outburst of complimentary or appreciative comments. It was noted more than once by other mgrs that he needed to “make up his mind and spit it out.” I’m sure this trait goes back to his childhood but I have no idea.
On Friday of that week, I received an email from his underling saying that Godz was leaving to do other things and he would be taking his place and what did I think of that.
Approx. 1 hr after I got the email, I saw on caller ID Godz was calling, twice in a row. I couldn’t answer it. He sent me an email that said in the subject line, “Call me.”
I email’d him back (he had stopped emailing me that week as well – I guess he was too afraid or whatever being in so much trouble to leave any email trail) saying that I heard the news, if he had an emergency, to email me but I was too sick to call him back. The truth was I was afraid I would sound too nervous and stupid on the phone. How pathetic is that?
I have never stopped wondering what in the world he was going to tell me. More lies? Ask a favor of me?
*When the day comes that I can stop caring about what he wanted on that call *or* ever, I will be over him. When certain songs stop enveloping me in the fantasy I created around him, I will be over him. *
I did email him in January to let him know that I realized he was a fantasy of mine and was not anything like the person I had created. He just sent a cryptic stupid meaningless note back, 7 or so words. I replied in a very nasty way that his note disgusted me as it was done in a supercilious way….a loser pig like him daring to offer me healing and comfort. I ripped him a new one. That was the last I heard.
When I get over that I will know I am over him. He was a path, but he also was not into me. He just tried to use me for a short time, then get me on his side so I wouldn’t turn him in for sexual harrassment. I can’t understand why I can’t get out of this fog.
Thx to anyone who reads this pap. I’m as sick of myself as you are. Believe me.
the best information i have received in getting over the spath is that ‘it’s not personal.’ my initial reaction to this was, ‘It is VERY personal! the notion infuriated me because it even negated — in a way — that i existed. when i was able to realize that he has treated everyone this way, and really had never shown remorse for atrocious acts, then i understood that it really had nothing to do with me. it was the most freeing experience.
this morning i found it interesting that in his rambling voicemail and text –while telling me how great his life is now– he didn’t once say ‘how are you’ or ‘i hope you’re doing okay.’ it was ALL about him.
freakin’ alien pod dweller!
lostingrief:
It’s true. It’s not about us…it’s ALL about THEM and what is wrong with THEM. I am glad you realized that 🙂
Still reeling, I have posted this link before, and I fear I have unintentionally offended some. After reading your above post, and because of some of the 12 step banter going on around here lately, I will post it again. I think it might be helpful to you, in understanding what happened to you with Godz. I have found it to be helpful to me, in my search for answers concerning, both, my own issues, and those of the N sexaddict that had me wrapped around the axil. Hope you find it helpful.
http://loveaddicts.org/laahome.html