By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Each one of us has more power than we generally perceive we do. Some people, in fact, do not recognize that they have any power over either what happens to them, or to how they react to what happens to them. Yet, we are totally powerful people; we have total power over what goes on inside us.
Recognizing that I am a powerful person with ultimate control over my emotions and actions is a heady feeling, and a scary feeling too. It is heady because it gives us a feeling that we can control ourselves, but it is scary because we also realize that there is no one else who can save us if we fail to exercise that power fully or competently.
When we were children, if we became frightened or sad, we could call on the god-like adults in our world to make us safe and to keep us safe. They could turn on the lights to scare away the monsters that might be lurking there when we could not reach the switch.
At some point in our lives, though, we must recognize that no one can do for us what we must do for ourselves, and that is to exercise our power to keep us as safe as possible from external events and internal tidal waves.
External events
Sometimes things happen externally that devastate our internal and external worlds: A trusted friend/family member/lover dies or betrays us, or a recession, depression, bankruptcy, or war intervenes in our carefully built and safe life that we could not have foreseen. This external event sweeps us away into an abyss of loss and despair. We see our own mortality, or that our life is half gone and we have not accomplished the “you should do x-es” that we had always thought we would do.
We let our sense of devastation externally and internally push us into an abyss of grief and pain. How do we take back our power when we feel so powerless, so naked and vulnerable? How will we ever feel safe again?
Recognizing that we are not in complete control of external events is a scary feeling, yet one that we must, as adults, face. Recognizing the truth that our plans for our future may not all be possible at this point in life is also necessary, and may sadden us.
Phases of life
Just as a child grows through various stages from birth to leaving home, adults too pass through various stages of adulthood. Erick Erickson described them as x, y, z. Unfortunately he did not describe them in great detail, but left his theories for others to expound upon.
I agree with Erickson that we go through various phases in adulthood as we move through the decades of the twenties, thirties, forties, etc. We are not the same person in each of these decades of our lives. We have different wants, needs, skills and knowledge as we move through life.
While it is easy to see that it would be an inappropriate thing for a 60-year-old woman to be sad that she could not marry, conceive a child and raise a family at that age, sometimes, we are saddened because we cannot have all the options at age 30 or 40 that we did at age 20.
Taking stock
When an external event precipitates a major change in our lives, or even an internal tidal wave of regrets or realizations of our lives makes us “sit up and take notice” of where we are on the life-time continuum, we pass through a stage where we may feel powerless over our emotions.
An encounter with a psychopath may be the precipitating external event in our lives, but it can be anything, or nothing in particular. A painful encounter, though, gives us the opportunity to take stock of where we are, where we wish to go, and who we are in the next phase of our adult lives. It is a time to truly recognize that we will not live forever, and that we are subject to the natural laws of this world, and yet, to rise above this and to find significant meaning in ourselves and in our lives.
We can use the external events to grow and refocus our lives, realizing that we do have power, complete power, over some things, and that we have no power over other things. We can live while we live, and find meaning and satisfaction in each of the stages of our lives.
Dupey, I second Hens. Tomorrow is another day, and it will be a new beginning. Be good to yourself, tonight. You deserve it.
In 12 step groups they say,”stick with the winners.”
are the folks who post on suicide prevention hot-lines the winners? I would think that sort of negitivity rubs-off. We need to learn about how to live abundantly, not merely survive from one day to the next.
Tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning.
Dupey,
Ok, I am going to be not so nice but it’s only cause I luv’s ya..
Why have you not changed your phone number to unlisted? Yah I know you have a hundred times but guess what do it again and only give it to the people you trust.
Sometime’s I dial a wrong number and say ‘oops sorry wrong number’ and sometimes I just hang up ( not nice but i have done that )..
And then there was a time if the phone rang and it was a hang up I just knew it was him – it wasnt – when I am stressed to the max my mind goes where it shouldnt..
Maybe this lexapro is making you hyper vigilant and anxious. Yes I still remember when I thought every odd thing that happened was a sign from him…my mind works overtime sometimes and cause’s me alot of grief, not so much anymore but I wish I had not reacted and gotten myself so upset in the past. chill for me ok?
hens: You are right, I have changed it a hundred times in the past few years. It does no good. You can BUY anyone’s phone number ONLINE, for 9.95 + tax. It has been unlisted over and over again. I have this neat block feature on my phone where it lets me block the numbers as it comes in and they hear: “We are sorry, the number you called is not accepting calls.” And then it hangs up on you.
I RECOGNIZED THE NAME hens….I know who it is.
It’s alright…I am not afraid anymore, it’s just upsetting to have this happening to me when I just really want to be left alone!!!
WHY doesn’t it just STOP?!??
I have completely shut the phone right off at times.
“Minions”….more worker bees for the cause calling….there is nothing left to say, least of all to strangers…right?
Nope: :::BLOCK::: I have nothing to say. “IT” does this to inject itself into my head. It’s all a big game to “IT”…hahahahaha…..
right…it’s not a game to me. 🙁
I love ya hens…
Dupey,
Everyone here gave you such good advise, now please take it!!
Kicked off the suicide hotline? OH WELL…better you should be kicked off the HOMICIDE hotline.
Hello: Yeah, I’m going to kill this mofo socio, can ya help me??? Sorry, Ma’am were busy right now…OH GOOD!!
Dupey you’ve been through it ALL. Stand up, stand tall, value you. oh, yeah….love ya. 🙂
(((Ana))) Thank you. I have taken all the advice I have been able to muster and just nothing seems to make it stop.
Not even in the ‘twilight’ of my very life, Ana.
Yah, hahahaha, I got kicked off the suicide hotline.
Isn’t that HILARIOUS?
hahaha: the homicide hotline….
Thanks for your caring and encouragement, Ana…
it means a lot to me. I just don’t think this is ever going to stop, sometimes. It’s not me doing the stalking….
xxoo
hens:
Me, too!! Two years ago almost to the day, I was on Lexapro for only ten days (due to spath) and I thought I was either going to kill myself or someone else…it was dreadful!!!!! I was told by my doctor that almost everyone responds well to Lexapro…well, not me! HA! And now I hear not you, either. Good to know I guess.
Dupey, maybe not you either! Maybe it’s starting to kick into where it’s not the right SSRI for you.
(((Louise))) Thanks for your reminder…I must make a mental note to speak to the doctor about this ugly day I have had today. I felt like I have been pushed off the cliff all over again, somehow.
Hope you are doing well, Louise…
Blessings and love to you ~ Dupey
Dear Dupey. It is a well known side effect of antidepressants that they can enforce suicidal ideations after they start showing effect. Reason for that: when you are in deep depression you are unable to act, and when you start seeing an improvement i.e. start being able to act again it might give the drive to act on the suicidal ideation. That every MD should know of, and one should make frequent appointments to check for these symptoms and not leave the patient alone in this critical times.
I suggest that you come here regularly and blog let’s say every 12 hours or so, to overcome this critical time. It is NORMAL and a sign that a) you have been in a terrible depression and b) the medication is working.
Suicide will be the ultimate victory of the spath, murder by proxy so to speak. Think about that.
And think about one soul who is caring for you (on LF we are LOTS!!), and what that would be for us being not able to help you.
Well in the end nobody can help you but you yourself; you have to do what you consider being the best for you, and you have complete freedom to do as you please, but for me personally I would miss you a lot, your wisdom, your courage, your good example of living on despite all the odds you experienced.
(((((Hugs))))
Dupey, mighty hugs to you. Libelle (and, others) are absolutely right: “antidepressants’ actually can make matters worse! Now, I feel that nearly all cases of “depression” are situational – the “depression” seems to be a normal part of coping with tremendous stressors. I also believe that doctors hand out antidepressants like M&M’s. Having a tough time with your grief over losing your infant to SIDS? Here! These little pills will make everything go away and you’ll feel like a million bucks……we hope. Oh, but in the event that you feel like your world has ended and that you just don’t want to continue living, I can increase the dosage for you.
We tend to medicate things that aren’t in need of allopathic remedies. The only remedy for me to get beyond my experiences is to drop onto this site, talk to my counselor, work it out, write it out, and allow myself to feel it – every ugly, painful part. And, I do certainly hate this healing process. It stinks.
HUGS TO YOU, DUPEY…..strong, fierce hugs
lilbelle: thank you so much for your caring and your post and words. I needed to hear what you said about the antidepressant. Together with that and the constant stalking I seem to be plagued with, in very cruel, cold psychopathic ways, too, has just turned me inside out and upside down. You would think that after all this time, and the many, many, many, times, I have chased it and all it’s ugliness away from me, that “IT” would just go away now. There is nothing left here, for “IT”. “Go, make a new life, turn a new leaf, I am finished and I want it all to stop now. There will never be an ‘us’; make whatever you have going on work for you because I am finished….”
Yes, every MD should pay attention, unfortunately, MINE is not. I had to FIGHT to get the antidepressant at all, it took weeks. And since I started it a month ago, I have not seen the doctor one time. I suppose I could call him, but why? I am not breaking out in rashes; no rapid heart beat. I have been looking for symptoms of rejection and I haven’t seen any at all. Like I know, though, once that medicine starts building up in your system, side effects and/or symptoms can present themselves. I will have to monitor it more closely.
I agree with you: suicide IS the ultimate victory of the psychopath. You are the only one who ‘gets’ this….they would prefer we kill ourselves so they don’t have to ‘dirty’ their hands and they won’t be responsible for anything and that is the main reason I have hung on so very long, despite the extreme emotional and psychological abuse. IT IS NOT GETTING MY LIFE. PERIOD.
However, when these ‘tides’ wash over me, there is no reasoning nor rationale – only raw, ugly, painful emotions. Overwhelming stress to the point that it is almost unbearable. It’s more than just the psychopathic stalker in my life, I know this but “IT” sure brought the firestorm on…
Sometimes, with my heart condition, it makes me feel horrid anyways. It’s like being a living ‘zombie’. I haven’t felt ‘right’ nor well since my two heart surgeries. The thing that really gets me is that NONE of my medical providers will give me a prognosis, although I have repeatedly asked. I have also asked for my medical records and they have them locked up on me. Refusing to tell me. I know bits and pieces and I have a discharge summary…other than that, all I know about MY OWN MEDICAL CONDITION is what they ‘permit’ me to know. I get the same old things: “Why is it so important to know this? Would it change anything?” Things like that. YES: I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW; IT IS MY LIFE NOT THEIRS.
It’s not just spath precipitating my depression and ptsd and agoraphobia…”IT” was just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. It’s from a lifetime of disappointments and ugliness I have endured along the way; constant stressors that I have been trying to obliterate from my life starting as a very small child and I have been trying to heal from my heart attack and not have to deal with any of this at all and it just keeps coming, wave after wave, after wave….I do think he is trying purposely to drive me deeper into that black hole, through more control.
I know you understand me because of what you said about ‘murder by proxy’….I am NOT crazy…HE is. As long as they can interject themselves into your thoughts, they are winning, BIG TIME. You have to beat them out of your thoughts.
I know all about ‘murder by proxy’, libelle…thanks for letting me know you ‘get it’. That is exactly what has been going down and I have nobody who ‘gets’ that…that all this stalking; all these torments and tortures and ‘infliction’ of itself upon my thoughts, is being done on purpose and with ugly intent. I tell my therapist this and they look at me like I am truly insane. Perhaps I am. I have tried to hang on to myself. I lost myself somewhere in this ocean of psychopathy and it wasn’t mine in the first place – it belongs to someone else. I have proven it to myself by staying locked up in my apartment. I bother nobody and yet I have everyone reaching in and bothering me.
Right, in the end nobody can help you but yourself. A person must do that which they consider being best for themselves. We do have the freedom to do as we please, and that is exactly why this is so NOT ACCEPTABLE to me. WE ALL HAVE CHOICE. The psychopath has the same choices we all have. I don’t know what makes them CHOOSE the low road instead of the high one. I will never understand that. We all have choice and IT is ITS choice to emotionally and psychologically torment me for no reason. There never has been a reason. That’s the whole thing.
When I started spurning its attentions, after finding out more and more and more about the monster I let near me for so very long and confronting…that is when it started getting ugly. Imagine that.
Most people THINK that would be flattering, to have someone so ‘connected’ to them…at first, the attention was like something out of a storybook but the dominance slowly crept into the relationship. No, when it gets to that point, it’s not flattering at all. There is nothing flattering about having a psychopathic and very prone to violence, STALKER, stalking you for ten years. NOTHING. Just recently, I have really grasped a hold of the fact that yes, I have been manipulated and criminally stalked for the past ten years and controlled through my own thoughts for just as long. “Groomed” as it were. I have heard it in the voices of his ‘minions’ when they call to leave their foul messages…
Thank you for saying that you would miss me a lot.
And all those sweet things that make me blush….
Thank you too for the ‘happy tears’ you created….
(Someone in the world really does see me and appreciate me…)
Your understanding means the world to me, libelle…
Dupey
xxoo