By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Each one of us has more power than we generally perceive we do. Some people, in fact, do not recognize that they have any power over either what happens to them, or to how they react to what happens to them. Yet, we are totally powerful people; we have total power over what goes on inside us.
Recognizing that I am a powerful person with ultimate control over my emotions and actions is a heady feeling, and a scary feeling too. It is heady because it gives us a feeling that we can control ourselves, but it is scary because we also realize that there is no one else who can save us if we fail to exercise that power fully or competently.
When we were children, if we became frightened or sad, we could call on the god-like adults in our world to make us safe and to keep us safe. They could turn on the lights to scare away the monsters that might be lurking there when we could not reach the switch.
At some point in our lives, though, we must recognize that no one can do for us what we must do for ourselves, and that is to exercise our power to keep us as safe as possible from external events and internal tidal waves.
External events
Sometimes things happen externally that devastate our internal and external worlds: A trusted friend/family member/lover dies or betrays us, or a recession, depression, bankruptcy, or war intervenes in our carefully built and safe life that we could not have foreseen. This external event sweeps us away into an abyss of loss and despair. We see our own mortality, or that our life is half gone and we have not accomplished the “you should do x-es” that we had always thought we would do.
We let our sense of devastation externally and internally push us into an abyss of grief and pain. How do we take back our power when we feel so powerless, so naked and vulnerable? How will we ever feel safe again?
Recognizing that we are not in complete control of external events is a scary feeling, yet one that we must, as adults, face. Recognizing the truth that our plans for our future may not all be possible at this point in life is also necessary, and may sadden us.
Phases of life
Just as a child grows through various stages from birth to leaving home, adults too pass through various stages of adulthood. Erick Erickson described them as x, y, z. Unfortunately he did not describe them in great detail, but left his theories for others to expound upon.
I agree with Erickson that we go through various phases in adulthood as we move through the decades of the twenties, thirties, forties, etc. We are not the same person in each of these decades of our lives. We have different wants, needs, skills and knowledge as we move through life.
While it is easy to see that it would be an inappropriate thing for a 60-year-old woman to be sad that she could not marry, conceive a child and raise a family at that age, sometimes, we are saddened because we cannot have all the options at age 30 or 40 that we did at age 20.
Taking stock
When an external event precipitates a major change in our lives, or even an internal tidal wave of regrets or realizations of our lives makes us “sit up and take notice” of where we are on the life-time continuum, we pass through a stage where we may feel powerless over our emotions.
An encounter with a psychopath may be the precipitating external event in our lives, but it can be anything, or nothing in particular. A painful encounter, though, gives us the opportunity to take stock of where we are, where we wish to go, and who we are in the next phase of our adult lives. It is a time to truly recognize that we will not live forever, and that we are subject to the natural laws of this world, and yet, to rise above this and to find significant meaning in ourselves and in our lives.
We can use the external events to grow and refocus our lives, realizing that we do have power, complete power, over some things, and that we have no power over other things. We can live while we live, and find meaning and satisfaction in each of the stages of our lives.
Truthspeak: Thank you so much for your love and hugs this morning. You don’t know what they mean to me. And, right back at ya!!! xxoo
I do realize that perhaps it is the medication but it is also the constant INTRUSIONS from “IT”. I have tried over the years, to not let it upset me this way, however, when it is connected to death threats and stories of your colorful demise, it becomes just a little difficult to ‘resolve’ that and deal with it in a way that it does NOT change your lifestyle…on top of already having such hefty medical conditions, I am not sure if it’s the medication or not. I am just floating and lost somewhere and can’t really seem to grab a hold of life anymore, in a physical and emotional sense.
I am the one looking for that ‘magic pill’ to help this stress dissipate. I had to fight and plod and fight some more to even get it. With my heart condition, it’s very scarey trying to find something that works but I had my cardiologist recommend this antidepressant I am on right now. IF I am getting like this, doesn’t that mean IT IS NOT WORKING?
I mean, even with the intrusions, I still shouldn’t be feeling this, right? That’s what I think. I think you are right, I think most depression IS situational, however, I also think that a lot of us are BORN INTO depression and the rest is acquired along the way….the only ‘situation’ that precipitates these lows is the intrusions from the psychopath. These EXTREME LOWS, I am ‘low’ most of the time anyways, anymore.
Right, Truthspeak: it is a constant effort…’healing’.
The only hope is that we can learn to reprocess things differently, inside our own selves because we sure aren’t going to find no manual on the subject, in the library, are we?
Yes, the ‘healing’ part does stink.
Immensely.
(((Trusthspeak))) Thanks for holding me up, and letting me lean a bit…xxoo
Dupey
Dupey, perhaps, you may want to seek a third opinion – or a fourth – until someone speaks to you about your medical conditions. I mean someone who will truly “SPEAK” to you and with you.
I have an intense dislike for the contemporary medical profession which has been altered by insurance providers, IMHO. Very few practice medicine, anymore, and most are under the watchful eye of insurance providers – must move them through the offices like cattle in a feed lot.
I wish I had more to offer, Dupey – I truly understand those horrible “tides” that you speak of, and I hate them. They’re so irrational to me – WHY should I cry because the exspath’s birthday passed? Why do I get into these funks? Why to any of it?
And, with the added challenges of physical health, the stalking, and all of the rest, you have a heap to manage, I understand. But, you made it through the last tidal surge and your strength, courage, and strong words helped me weather out storms of my own. Hold on, Dupey – hold on to everyone here at LF. They’re each and every one supportive and love you for your Self.
Hugs and blessings
Truthspeak: I have spoken to everyone involved, medically, and I am told the same things, over and over again: “Why do you want or need to know? Just go live your life.” Excuse me?! It would be a lot less stressful to know, say for instance, A PROGNOSIS. I asked my cardiologist, one time: “Would you tell me, in your professional opinion, how much time do you think I have left?” He replied: “Dear Dupey, just go live your life…” I have asked my MD therapist, who prescribes me my lexapro to secure my records and to tell me the truth. He sent for them from my cardiologist, however, even though he TOLD ME he would tell me the truth, I have not heard anything. The only thing I have is what I am told. The cardiologist originally told me that the only thing that would save me now is a heart transplant. Not likely that is going to happen and I wouldn’t want one anyways…I am the kind of person who would rather see that heart go to a younger person with a full life ahead of them!
Oh yes, the medical profession is being altered by HMO’s and insurance companies to the detriment of a whole lot of people. I NEED THIS KNOWLEDGE TO MAKE PEACE WITH MY LIFE. It’s a missing piece and I am not going to stop trying.
I am sorry, Truthspeak, that you are experiencing these same kinds of ‘tides’. They ARE so irrational. It’s from the ‘conditioning’ we came through. It ingrains itself amongst the fibers of who we are. “FUNKS”, that’s a great word. That’s just what they are too.
Yah, some how I just keep making it through the ‘tidal surges’, albeit ever so shakily, most of the time. More than a heap to manage, on top of financial woes too. “IT” has stolen my life from me and I am trying desperately to hang on to it. Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I shouldn’t hang on so tightly. Hm?
I am happy that some of my ugly experiences has helped you make it through the storms, Truthspeak.
My sharing comes with nothing but unabated love and caring.
I keep trying to hold on, Dear Truthspeak…I keep trying and sometimes it is very hard to find the reasons.
Love you too…
Dupey
Well I lost my post again.
And need to get busy doing things. Darn it!
Just wanted to say *Truth*, you took the words right out of my mouth about situational depression and contemporary health care.
When something stressful or bad happens, one may develop situational depression. It would make sense, esp if one is wired thusly. They may also be prone to clinical depression…or not!
I can’t fault internists/shrinks for wanting to try anti-deps. It’s s a quick fix, (even worse now with instant grat gen) and they don’t give a rat’s ass if you have a bad experience with it or not. “We’ll just adjust it if you have undesirable side effects.” Shrinks like them because they say talk therapy is easier when you aren’t depressed. I can see that and it makes sense for some people.
I have had every anti-dep available pushed at me and had such a bad time with tricyclics, not willing to go with SSRI’s. I don’t want it. My depression is mainly situational, maybe clinical, too…NO ONE really knows when depr comes and goes on its own. I have such bad panic and anx that I have been basically afraid to take anti-deps just on the offchance they will trigger an anx attack. Because I’m so obsessive, I can remain in high anx/panic for weeks or even months at a time. That has not happened in years, but the fear of it….well, not even something I want to think about. It impacts my life, travelling, self-esteem (makes me feel weak-minded).
The other thing you said, Truth, was about today’s shoddy, incompetent medical care. Bears repeating:
“I have an intense dislike for the contemporary medical profession which has been altered by insurance providers, IMHO. Very few practice medicine, anymore, and most are under the watchful eye of insurance providers ”“ must move them through the offices like cattle in a feed lot.”
Exactly, herd ’em in, herd ’em out. I get so frustrated trying to figure out how to say things to drs in the most terse but meaningful way possible so I have a tiny chance that they will respond the best that they can, it’s just plain stupid and pathetic. I laff at articles about writing down a list of your issues before you go and making sure your doctor answers all your questions. That is a HOOT! 15 min appts and NO leeway inbetween. I know for a fact, NONE of my drs would find something that was not obvious. I do my own research and tell, not ask them what to do for the most part.
They *love* it.
Most drs got into the business, imo, because they were smart and wanted to make a lot of money. Some really cared about people, some not. They are pissed purple over the ins paperwork, what they consider low reimbursement, etc. I, too, hate the greedy and disgusting health care industry. Always stayed away from HMO’s but now I see that it makes no diff…all that money I’ve spent over the yrs for the same shoddy care HMO patients were receiving.
I know docs have huge loans to repay and if in their own offices, high rents, out of the roof malpractice ins (this is the fault of filthy attorneys who are at the bottom of my respect list these days-heartless and greedy) and some have very expensive equipment costs. There is nothing I respect more than a good doc, but with the crappy care today, I am ready to go socialized.
I would move out of this country in a minute, prob to Denmark or another European country where healthcare, eldercare and education are free. I know the taxes are higher, but who cares? I’m tired of worrying about health care costs, etc. It really affects my quality of life and I suspect others are just sick and tired of it too. We are a very greedy country with no pride in anything that doesn’t make us rich.
I recently read that my pedicatrician died. He was in his late 70’s, practiced out of his modest home for years. Loved his profession and of course, made house calls. He had a heart condition but didn’t let it stop him from working almost until the day he died. He was doing what he loved to do. Wonderful man and someone I truly respected. When I was growing up, docs were gods.
His daughter included, along with his death notice, a letter he had recently written for a medical publication. In the letter, he said he was distraught by the lack of caring and commitment of contemporary physicians. It was so moving and described so eloquently how I feel about today’s docs, I felt like crying and punching a hole in the wall at the same time. He basically begged drs, both in practice and upcoming, to examine their motives for being docs and if they were not committed or became uncommited to their patients and making them well, to please find another avenue of work. He knew you could make a decent living and still be a thoughtful, thorough and caring doctor.
I have had nothing but lousy experiences with doctors because I know enuf to know they suck and don’t care. It’s laughably obvious.
Here’s my advice: Don’t get sick.
Dupey, you hang in there gurrrrrrl….You will be OK. Read some of your posts over the last few weeks and how strong and resilient you sounded…this was not phony baloney!! You are going thru a depressive stage and it makes full sense. I can add nothing to what your long-time buds have said except to offer hugs and support to you to get through the next few hrs/days till you feel better. If you can swing it, try to find at least another doc who has a decent rep (Ratemds.com) and get another opinion and tell her/him that you need someone who has the time and cares enuf to listen. You may mention that to whoever answers the phone. Ya gotta try.
xo to you, Truth and the rest of the gang. Enjoy the day.
((still reeling)) Thank you for your kind words. Thanks for saying i am strong and resilient sounding. I sure don’t feel like it these past few days. I know I am depressed. I have been all my life, actually. This situation with “IT” has really brought everything to the forefront for me in a huge way. Not only do I have this stalking to contend with, I am also trying to survive a really bad heart condition, that most days, just really sucks the life right out of me. I just am not doing really well.
Thank you for wishing I feel better. I do too. There is just so much. I like your suggestion of finding another doctor, unfortunately, I am insured through a managed care program now and I am not allowed to do that without prior permission. Another thorn of insurance companies. Right. I need someone to check me out and give me the answers I am seeking. I just have to find the answers because it is the missing piece to my mortality — IT IS MY LIFE NOT THEIRS.
Thanks ((still reeling)) maybe the next intrusion won’t upset my life the way this last one has. I can see that even though I have blocking features on my phone, it’s best to change my number, AGAIN, and then the calls will stop for a little while, I suppose, but then, YOU CAN purchase other people’s numbers online for ten bucks, so I don’t know how long that will work. Maybe I will just pull the plug entirely and go with a cellphone.
Hmm: thought…
Love you all for hugging me and helping me hang on.
It’s so horrid. Most days I don’t even want to get out of bed.
Sorry for being so much bother and troublesome…I hope you all try to have a really great Holiday Weekend, in the United States!!! To all our brave men and women in military service to our country, THANK YOU – I appreciate you so very much. To all of you who have served, around the world, in the pursuit of freedom and that which is right, THANK YOU as well. The world is a ‘collective effort’, no matter the politics.
With gratitude ~ Dupey
xxoo
Dupey,
A pill cannot control your thoughts or give you insights… Anti-depressants do NOT give you insights. What they do though is create a chemical environment for the brain to be more active and in this way become an environment to aid the insight process.
I agree with Truthspeak that most depressions are “situational ones”… this means they were caused because of life situations where the person ends up feeling hurt and hopeless. These are NOT pathological depressions.
With regards to therapy and pills this is a very important distinction:
* Someone who’s pathologically depressed has a chemical/mechanical cause that requires chemical aids to prevent the pathological depression state, comparable to someone who’s bipolar needs medication. Therapy can be helpful to deal with the effects their pathological depression had on their lives, but it cannot remedy the pathological state itself.
* It is the OTHER way around for someone who’s situationally depressed because of what happened to them in their lives. Even thought, temporarily, the situationally depressed may have a chemical imbalance in their brain, the cause of the depression is not chemical, but the events in their lives. So in order to truly deal with the depression, the trauma itself needs to be tackled with THERAPY. Pills are a secondary aid then to help the situationally depressed in having the power and energy to tackle the trauma itself and start the healing process.
Dupey, I’m not a doctor, but from what you have told us about the spath as well as your heart condition chances are very high that you have situational depression. So, your PRIMARY need is THERAPY! Not anti-depressants. And I suspect this is why the doctors wre RELUCTANT and OPPOSING the idea of you taking anti-depressants.
That the cause is situational is underlined by your response to the medication: it doesn’t take the pain away, only gives you more energy to act on it. So, the cause is’nt your chemical imbalance, but trauma, and NO PILL CAN HEAL TRAUMA! Only therapy can!
skylar:
Thanks for the link, Good Country People. I have bookmarked it and will read it when I have time and then let you know what I think!
kim:
I have read many things on the Internet about Trauma Bonding…I even read one of the books that was recommended on here. I think that is what happened to me among many other things.
kim:
I will try the 12 Steps. I am willing to do anything at this point. Thank you.
still reeling:
Yes, I think I am obsessive-ish about other things in my life so maybe that is why I became obsessed with the spath. At this point, I will never know. It’s all so overwhelming, daunting and exhausting. I hope you are well.