By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Each one of us has more power than we generally perceive we do. Some people, in fact, do not recognize that they have any power over either what happens to them, or to how they react to what happens to them. Yet, we are totally powerful people; we have total power over what goes on inside us.
Recognizing that I am a powerful person with ultimate control over my emotions and actions is a heady feeling, and a scary feeling too. It is heady because it gives us a feeling that we can control ourselves, but it is scary because we also realize that there is no one else who can save us if we fail to exercise that power fully or competently.
When we were children, if we became frightened or sad, we could call on the god-like adults in our world to make us safe and to keep us safe. They could turn on the lights to scare away the monsters that might be lurking there when we could not reach the switch.
At some point in our lives, though, we must recognize that no one can do for us what we must do for ourselves, and that is to exercise our power to keep us as safe as possible from external events and internal tidal waves.
External events
Sometimes things happen externally that devastate our internal and external worlds: A trusted friend/family member/lover dies or betrays us, or a recession, depression, bankruptcy, or war intervenes in our carefully built and safe life that we could not have foreseen. This external event sweeps us away into an abyss of loss and despair. We see our own mortality, or that our life is half gone and we have not accomplished the “you should do x-es” that we had always thought we would do.
We let our sense of devastation externally and internally push us into an abyss of grief and pain. How do we take back our power when we feel so powerless, so naked and vulnerable? How will we ever feel safe again?
Recognizing that we are not in complete control of external events is a scary feeling, yet one that we must, as adults, face. Recognizing the truth that our plans for our future may not all be possible at this point in life is also necessary, and may sadden us.
Phases of life
Just as a child grows through various stages from birth to leaving home, adults too pass through various stages of adulthood. Erick Erickson described them as x, y, z. Unfortunately he did not describe them in great detail, but left his theories for others to expound upon.
I agree with Erickson that we go through various phases in adulthood as we move through the decades of the twenties, thirties, forties, etc. We are not the same person in each of these decades of our lives. We have different wants, needs, skills and knowledge as we move through life.
While it is easy to see that it would be an inappropriate thing for a 60-year-old woman to be sad that she could not marry, conceive a child and raise a family at that age, sometimes, we are saddened because we cannot have all the options at age 30 or 40 that we did at age 20.
Taking stock
When an external event precipitates a major change in our lives, or even an internal tidal wave of regrets or realizations of our lives makes us “sit up and take notice” of where we are on the life-time continuum, we pass through a stage where we may feel powerless over our emotions.
An encounter with a psychopath may be the precipitating external event in our lives, but it can be anything, or nothing in particular. A painful encounter, though, gives us the opportunity to take stock of where we are, where we wish to go, and who we are in the next phase of our adult lives. It is a time to truly recognize that we will not live forever, and that we are subject to the natural laws of this world, and yet, to rise above this and to find significant meaning in ourselves and in our lives.
We can use the external events to grow and refocus our lives, realizing that we do have power, complete power, over some things, and that we have no power over other things. We can live while we live, and find meaning and satisfaction in each of the stages of our lives.
darwinsmom: thanks for your post.
Whatever the depression IS, doesn’t matter. What does matter is trying to cut it down with my heart condition because the stress is not going to allow me to live long like this.
The reason they were hesitant to give me an anti depressant was because of my heart condition. No other reason. I had to fight to get it too. My MD psychologist/neurologist didn’t KNOW what to give me until I asked him to contact my cardiologist for a ‘suggestion’. Imagine that. I wasn’t allowed to take A TYLENOL for six months after my heart attack and surgeries. I am on several different types of heart medication and other medicines interact adversely with my heart medications. My heart medications are keeping my heart functioning for now.
Does situational depression last a lifetime? Does it?
SPATH IS PLAYING on that to decimate me. That’s all I know.
I have been in therapy for the past FOUR YEARS NOW and nothing seems to work. NOTHING. It’s not ME promulgating it, IT IS HIM CONTINUING TO STALK ME. If I was TRULY off his radar, the stalking wouldn’t continue. It would cease completely.
I don’t bother him and HIS MINIONS…he needs to cease!
I think the only way I am ever going to get any peace, finally, is if I just move and embed myself in a different life completely. That seems to be the only answer. Maybe a nice HOLE somewhere to hide out in, where nobody knows me or my name.
Thank you for your response and concern.
I hope you have a nice Holiday weekend.
Dupey
Dupey,
Have you been depressed before the spath without much of a trauma or conflict in your life? If not, then it is most likely situational.
Can a situational depression last for years/lifetime? I think it can last for as long as little or no progress is made about the trauma. Being kept in a traumatized state by the spath wouldn’t help either. It is the main reason why the no contact is such an important step to the healing. And him continuing to make contact is preventing you from healing, despite therapy, despite anti-depressants. It only adds, I suspect, to the feeling that you cannot escape him so much that it feels like an inescapable tunnel that you would idealize suicide.
I truly wish you can find some peace from the stalking spath and his minions. And if the only way to do that is moving away, then you’ll have my full support on that.
darwinsmom: Yes, much trauma. I was in public service for a long time with lots of ugly things seen. Almost like ‘wartime destruction’ and devastation. I had a two and a half year old grandson, viciously murdered in 1995. I was sexually abused at the young age of 3 years old up until about 12. I was physically abused and beaten as a small child. I have what they classify as major post traumatic stress disorder, along with major depressive disorder and agoraphobia. I have been through EMDR and hypnosis treatments. I have been in therapy for the past four years because of this incessant stalking. I just removed all the stress and chaos out of my life, from a young child, and chose my own path in life. A path of rightness and quiet and peace and have had a really great life, actually. I left all the dysfunction behind me until “IT” came along and blew my entire world apart and it was so amazing to me, how they get to know you, inside, and then use those as weapons against you later….
For the past five of the ten years I have known spath, I have had to deal with his violence and threats and ugliness. It pushed me into a major heart attack that almost took my life. NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT only “IT” doesn’t think “IT” must abide by that. “IT” is very impulsive. Like hair trigger impulsive.
Yes, being kept in a traumatized state by the constant stalking is not helping at all and it is meant to not be helping. It IS preventing me from healing. It is. And, although I KNOW this, I am stuck in this spot. I suppose I will slowly learn how to come out of it, however, when you have evil like this breathing down your neck, constantly, it’s kind of difficult to be anything but in SURVIVAL MODE.
Yes, making a life somewhere else, where nobody knows me.
Not leaving any trails behind me. None.
Thank you for your understanding and support. Nobody would believe what I have experienced. If I had enough time left in my life, I would write a made for t.v. movie about my experience because nobody would believe it. And that is what “IT” told me, “Go ahead and tell whoever, whatever, they won’t believe you because you are insane.” ~ with that giggle and smirk on “ITS” face….
Dupey
Dearest Dupey,
Come to Yorkshire my friend …..plenty room here. He won’t be able to stalk you then will IT. What a creep!
Sending you hugs and extra strong “muscles” to beat him into a small insignificant wart on the backside of humanity. Yes?
Lots of love xx
(((strongawoman))) Thank you for your wonderful invitation to come to BEAUTIFUL YORKSHIRE! Thank you so much! I know you mean it too. mwah!! xxoo
Hugs and love to you, My Dear.
Oh yes, extra strong muscles to beat him into the small, insignificant wart that he IS on the backside of humanity, YES!!!!
Please be well, my Friend.
Dupey
Dupey McSnoopy – You can come to oklahomaphobia and help me beat up some rednecks.
aw shucks, hens…mwahhh!
Beautiful Oklahoma. Haven’t been there in years….
hahaha: oklahomaphobia…sorry, hens…
I apologize for people and their smallness.
are you sure you would want me there?
you would have to adopt my stalker too, ya know. hahahaha
xxoo
no you leave the stalker behind dupey – thats why you need to get away darlin – leave all that drama behind ya..
I mite be surrounded by rednecks but they leave me alone cause i leave them alone..its the homosexuals that cause me grief..beside i am not gay any more – you got to be sexual to be a ____sexual anything – right now i am just me..
hens:
You are way too funny!! 🙂
🙂