By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Each one of us has more power than we generally perceive we do. Some people, in fact, do not recognize that they have any power over either what happens to them, or to how they react to what happens to them. Yet, we are totally powerful people; we have total power over what goes on inside us.
Recognizing that I am a powerful person with ultimate control over my emotions and actions is a heady feeling, and a scary feeling too. It is heady because it gives us a feeling that we can control ourselves, but it is scary because we also realize that there is no one else who can save us if we fail to exercise that power fully or competently.
When we were children, if we became frightened or sad, we could call on the god-like adults in our world to make us safe and to keep us safe. They could turn on the lights to scare away the monsters that might be lurking there when we could not reach the switch.
At some point in our lives, though, we must recognize that no one can do for us what we must do for ourselves, and that is to exercise our power to keep us as safe as possible from external events and internal tidal waves.
External events
Sometimes things happen externally that devastate our internal and external worlds: A trusted friend/family member/lover dies or betrays us, or a recession, depression, bankruptcy, or war intervenes in our carefully built and safe life that we could not have foreseen. This external event sweeps us away into an abyss of loss and despair. We see our own mortality, or that our life is half gone and we have not accomplished the “you should do x-es” that we had always thought we would do.
We let our sense of devastation externally and internally push us into an abyss of grief and pain. How do we take back our power when we feel so powerless, so naked and vulnerable? How will we ever feel safe again?
Recognizing that we are not in complete control of external events is a scary feeling, yet one that we must, as adults, face. Recognizing the truth that our plans for our future may not all be possible at this point in life is also necessary, and may sadden us.
Phases of life
Just as a child grows through various stages from birth to leaving home, adults too pass through various stages of adulthood. Erick Erickson described them as x, y, z. Unfortunately he did not describe them in great detail, but left his theories for others to expound upon.
I agree with Erickson that we go through various phases in adulthood as we move through the decades of the twenties, thirties, forties, etc. We are not the same person in each of these decades of our lives. We have different wants, needs, skills and knowledge as we move through life.
While it is easy to see that it would be an inappropriate thing for a 60-year-old woman to be sad that she could not marry, conceive a child and raise a family at that age, sometimes, we are saddened because we cannot have all the options at age 30 or 40 that we did at age 20.
Taking stock
When an external event precipitates a major change in our lives, or even an internal tidal wave of regrets or realizations of our lives makes us “sit up and take notice” of where we are on the life-time continuum, we pass through a stage where we may feel powerless over our emotions.
An encounter with a psychopath may be the precipitating external event in our lives, but it can be anything, or nothing in particular. A painful encounter, though, gives us the opportunity to take stock of where we are, where we wish to go, and who we are in the next phase of our adult lives. It is a time to truly recognize that we will not live forever, and that we are subject to the natural laws of this world, and yet, to rise above this and to find significant meaning in ourselves and in our lives.
We can use the external events to grow and refocus our lives, realizing that we do have power, complete power, over some things, and that we have no power over other things. We can live while we live, and find meaning and satisfaction in each of the stages of our lives.
hens: i was hoping you would say that…leave the stalker behind. i just know i would be okay with you around….((huggs))
right…i think when a person has been without sex for a definite, lengthly period of time, they should be considered virgins all over again. hahahahaha
thanks, hens, for the wishes and the invite….
you know i love you…xxoo
take good care of yourself, please…do it for me.
Dupey
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/05/28/if-you-feel-an-emotional-void-the-sociopath-will-step-in/#comment-162363
A post to check out and perhaps comment upon.
Louise, there are a few things in MDCowgirl’s post that I think you might relate to.
Hugs to all.
Speaking about having suicidal ideation when you first start antidepressent medications is why I ALWAYS INSISTED that anyone I started on AD medications ALSO have THERAPY so that The suicidal ideation if it arose would be detected and action prevented.
One of my foster kids that I loved dearly was started on AD meds by his family doctor and obviously not monitored well because he got better….and got the energy to kill himself andhe did.
When a person is in DEEP depression they do not as libelle said have the “energy” to kill themselves but when they start to get more energty from the AD working they are at danger for suicide. This is WELL known, but it is no “excuse” to stop antidepressant therapy it only indicates that you NEED it.
Depression is a REAL illness, a chemical change in the brain that there are medications to help….and possible side effects, like any medication, and should be monitored for those side effects.
Even a tylenol can kill you….and many people take over doses of tylenol and kill their liver or damage it, but it doesn’t mean that taken right and monitored it can’t be a great medication for pain relief.
I take antidepressants for my depression & PTSD but for the first 5 years I was monitored by a health care professional (MD) now my family doc writes the Rx’s but at this point in time (after nearly 8 years) I am not likely to have side effects, but if I did I would quickly get to a psych MD. I saw a psych MD and a therapist regularly for quite some time. Now I do “self help” and “self monitoring” but if something got bad I would go back to the professionals.
Medical professionals are bad about self treatment, and I’m no different,, Ii don’t like being on the “wrong side of the clip board” but I have good docs and generally I use them wisely. What self care (medical) I do is within my job description, but I know where that ends and stupidity sets in. My doc laughs at me because she says she’s “never seen a compliant patient who is a primary care specialist” And frankly, I’m the only one I know who is 100% compliant with what my docs tell me to do. We discuss it and I’m part of my own treatment team, but I go to them because I need an OBJECTIVE VIEW POINT about my care. I realize I am not always objective where it concerns myself as my own emotions play a big part in what I think I need.
Just like my new LOW SODIUM LIFE STYLE….I know I need it and I comply. It helps. Just like my SMOKING, I knew I needed to quit and I finally did actually QUIT. Really QUIT, not just pretend to quit, fooling myself. I made a commitment. Big difference.
A commitment to myself to take care of myself…what ever that takes….medication, life style changes, giving up things that are bad addictive stuff (cigarettes was only one thing) setting boundaries with others….lots of things I committed to.
It ain’t easy, but we can do it if we point our nose in the right direction, and putting our hands to the plow DO NOT LOOK BACK.
Ox: Happy to see you up and around and feeling better.
I first started on xanax two months ago and that gave me horrendous suicidal thoughts. I stopped taking that and made my MD therapist, contact my cardiologist to see what he would suggest and HE suggested lexapro. The lexapro doesn’t seem to be as bad as the xanax was…but I just don’t like the way these drugs make me feel. They almost make it all worse somehow.
Depression IS a real illness. I see my regular therapist once a week and my MD therapist, my prescriber, once a month, which I don’t think is good enough considering my heart condition. You would think he would want to keep better track of what this medication is doing to me. Although, with the shortage of doctors, these days, I can see how he might not have a lot of time to ‘follow up’ but I don’t think that is a good enough excuse.
I am on a low sodium diet myself now, as well as low fat and low cholesterol. Sometimes I cheat and I think I have to have a little fun in this life, sometimes, right?
It ain’t easy but I like your inspirational words:
“It ain’t easy, but we can do it if we point our nose in the right direction, and putting our hands to the plow DO NOT LOOK BACK.” Some days I don’t even have the strength for that anymore, Ox.
I haven’t been doing so well since yesterday, when “IT” had another ‘minion’ call my house. (::BLOCK::) It just seems like it will never end. I am totally and completely NC with it now. And, I am NEVER going back to that ugliness. NOT EVER. That doesn’t ever stop “IT” though…
I have never met or known anyone quite like this, not ever.
I thought my ‘past family’ was dysfunctional sociopaths until I met this “THING”….
Have a good day Ox.
Dupey
Dear Dupey, thank you for your very kind reply!
I can so understand your urge to need the “prognosis”. The sad thing is that there is not ONE accurate prognosis for any given disease. In cancer medicine we speak of ranges of prognoses, some people die very early in their course of the disease, and some “beat statistics” beyond belief, and then there is the big average in between.
No one MD in his/her right mind can tell you EXACTLY where you are in this bell shaped curve. At best they explain the range to you. Giving an exact number of months, let’s say Till next christmas: it would be a lie, based on a crystal ball, astrology, tarot, hand reading or the like. (no MD is God-like!)
In my experience people are not so much interested in the exact figure but want to have a tool in their hands to be able to plan in advance, to figure out how urgent things are.
Also very important is the information how changing things can shift their prognosis towards the more favorable part of the curve (for instance stop smoking, exercise, eating healthy etc).
And maybe they want to know how urgent advance planning is, for instance making a will, giving power of attorney to a relative / friend and the like.
If this is the case and of great importance, I would go ahead and just do it, and not rely on some MD who may or not may say a figure that is basically without any practical value. I would ask myself deep down in my heart if THIS is the reason, and not postponing the inevitable, when it is important (or you can leave it, things arrange themselves with time)
The link below leads you to a very good summary of all that is known about heart disease and depression, and in the very end it states that exercise is as effective if not more effective than antidepressants, and it will give you also some figures (the heart is not my speciality, I am afraid, but this article makes lots of sense to me, and it empowers the patient to become the captain of the own ship again) You may discuss it with your MD’s. 🙂
I wish you all the best! (((Hugs)))
http://www.ccjm.org/content/78/Suppl_1/S35.full.pdf+html
Hi libelle: I know they can’t give me an accurate figure, however, my cardiologist is very experienced and he has some kind of idea. He could tell me a ‘ball park’ figure; right? Of course he can. He does these things every day, for his whole life. He has some kind of idea and I want to know.
I have gone ahead and made all arrangements: will, power of attorney, ALS arrangements, etc., but I would like someone to talk to me, straight, plain and clear. It is MY LIFE and I would like to know. Not one single medical professional will give me any idea at all and that is not right.
Thanks for the link, I will check it out. Thank you so much!
Thanks for understanding so much. I feel so all alone over here, with my psycho stalker and nobody can relate. They all think I am crazy and I am not. I just am not.
Dupey
Dear Dupey, wow! You really came a long way!
Why not grab this article and go to your MD and ask about cardiac rehabilitation, whether there is such a program in your HMO and what the impact of it would be for your prognosis?
So he sees that you made some serious thinking, you want to be in the lead of your disease and you have an interest of getting better. And he can explain to you about how he could be your partner.
When people were asking for “the figure” I was always quite defensive, but when it came to self empowerment, resilience; well that was my cup of tea!
And very important: He does not have to have “plans with you”, he has to make his suggestions for the most appropriate treatment and you both have to agree in a shared decision making process! And the good thing: you are entiteled to it too 😉 !!
Dupey,
.
Xanax is NOT a good medication for depression, it is an antianxiety medication given for panic attacks. It is NOT an antidepression medication.
Lexapro is generally a pretty good antidepressant but not for everyone.
I personally would not take xanax, even for panic attacks because they CAN BE handled without medication….but many doctors disagree with me and medicate for panic attacks with xanax. So I’m not trying to practice medicine here or tell you what to take or not to take, your medical provider and you must decide on that. Just my opinion. Xanax is also habituatiing like opium or codeine. That is different than with antidepressants which are not “addictive” OR “habituating” though you may need to stay on them, even for a life time, it isn’t the same response as “habituation.” Xanax is also frequently taken as a recreational drug or by addicts. It may have its uses but there are some big down sides to it too.
Dupey, the “calling my house” thing is what they do, but HOW YOU RESPOND TO THIS IS UP TO YOU, NOT THEM.
Okay, so they called. Hang up. Don’t allow this to pull your chain, trip your trigger. You have control over YOU. EXERCISE IT. YOU CAN DO IT!
Look FORWARD….you can’t plow a straight furrow looking back. It can’t be done. Jesus said LOOK FORWARD….do it! You CAN!!! (((Hugs)))
Since your heart problem is severe, it might be “better” for you to take it than get “really upset” (panic attack) but again, only you and your medical provider can decide.
You know, Duoey,
Everyone of us is going to die. No one knows when he will die unless he is onn death rows and no more appeals.
My step father was told “you have a fatal cancer, we can give you chemo but you’lll die anyway. Probably 4 months from now.”
Daddy LIVED 18 months. He was sad because he was leaving us, but he accepted he was going to die soon. But he decided to LIVE every day. He bargained a bit and took 2 rounds of chemo but it made him so sick he quit. He got over the chemo and started to enjoy life. We went out dancing when he was in a wheel chair. He mowed the lawn when he could hardly walk. He visited with his friends and in short, he LIVED EVERY DAY.
I’m 65. I don’t know where the last 40 years have “gone” but they ARE gone. My tiime on earth is short now. I may die tomorrow in a car wreck or I may live to 80+ but I know that the majority of my life is past. Lots of things I wish Ii had done. Lots of those I can’t do now, the time is past to do them. But I have few regrets, I did the best I k new how with the poor information and tools I had then. I have better tools now, and I’m using them better…but I am determined to LIVE EVERY DAY.
I’m learning to make low salt meals I ENJOY, and do the “doctor trot” to get my medical care needs met, and visit with my friends and LIVE EVERY DAY I HAVE.
You’ve made your “final arrangements” for your estate etc. and I’ve made mine, but I’m going to continue to LIVE, not worry about when I am going to die.
I had a CLOSE call the other day on the freeway when someone I didn’t know well was driving me, scared the be jezzzus out of me, literally left me crying and shaking. Never been that scared before when there was no car damage. I will never ride with that person again. But I know it can happen with the best drivers. Shiat happens. But in the meantime I’m still going to ride in cars and trucks and drive them. It’s life. I won’t let my fear of death make me die every day. Think about it, Dupey. Sure you’ve got a serious cardiac problem, but as long as that ticker keeps on beating, LIVE!!!!
hi libelle: i have already inquired about a cardiac rehab program and was told none exist. we are in a MD shortage, here, in Cali, and well, they sure aren’t very friendly when they are overworked. If you know what I mean.
somehow they want to get me off their insurance rolls and save themselves some money. i already see this and have felt this the whole time since my heart attack. just get rid of the old bitty and we can save some money! i haven’t even asked for a heart transplant and don’t want one. give it to someone younger. but it would have been nice, when i asked my cardiologist what would help me recover, he said the only thing would be a heart transplant. that was all he has told me. i have repeatedly asked and nobody will talk to me because of my emotional problems, i am assuming. i asked social security for a copy of their disabling determination and even they refused, saying that if they felt it detrimental to me, knowing, they would not and have the right to refuse releasing it to me. now, i ask you: WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THAT?!!! This is MY life not theirs.
This is NOT JAPAN.
i am just going steadily downhill and i can feel it. i can hardly get out of bed anymore. my life is over and finished and there isn’t any point in trying anything more. i take my heart medicines because he says they keep it working. i told him the last time i saw him that i wanted no more surgery because i don’t want to be tortured anymore like i was the last time. i have had two heart surgeries already. he replaced both arteries in my heart. i almost bled to death the first time and had to recover from that before they could go in and do the other one.
i don’t feel well and haven’t ever since. i feel like i am a walking ‘zombie’ of some kind and i just don’t want to live like this, trapped in this hell. between my heart condition and the psychopath, my life has been a living hell the past five years. i keep trying to find a way out of all this and there just doesn’t seem to be any.
(((thank you libelle))))
Dupey