By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Each one of us has more power than we generally perceive we do. Some people, in fact, do not recognize that they have any power over either what happens to them, or to how they react to what happens to them. Yet, we are totally powerful people; we have total power over what goes on inside us.
Recognizing that I am a powerful person with ultimate control over my emotions and actions is a heady feeling, and a scary feeling too. It is heady because it gives us a feeling that we can control ourselves, but it is scary because we also realize that there is no one else who can save us if we fail to exercise that power fully or competently.
When we were children, if we became frightened or sad, we could call on the god-like adults in our world to make us safe and to keep us safe. They could turn on the lights to scare away the monsters that might be lurking there when we could not reach the switch.
At some point in our lives, though, we must recognize that no one can do for us what we must do for ourselves, and that is to exercise our power to keep us as safe as possible from external events and internal tidal waves.
External events
Sometimes things happen externally that devastate our internal and external worlds: A trusted friend/family member/lover dies or betrays us, or a recession, depression, bankruptcy, or war intervenes in our carefully built and safe life that we could not have foreseen. This external event sweeps us away into an abyss of loss and despair. We see our own mortality, or that our life is half gone and we have not accomplished the “you should do x-es” that we had always thought we would do.
We let our sense of devastation externally and internally push us into an abyss of grief and pain. How do we take back our power when we feel so powerless, so naked and vulnerable? How will we ever feel safe again?
Recognizing that we are not in complete control of external events is a scary feeling, yet one that we must, as adults, face. Recognizing the truth that our plans for our future may not all be possible at this point in life is also necessary, and may sadden us.
Phases of life
Just as a child grows through various stages from birth to leaving home, adults too pass through various stages of adulthood. Erick Erickson described them as x, y, z. Unfortunately he did not describe them in great detail, but left his theories for others to expound upon.
I agree with Erickson that we go through various phases in adulthood as we move through the decades of the twenties, thirties, forties, etc. We are not the same person in each of these decades of our lives. We have different wants, needs, skills and knowledge as we move through life.
While it is easy to see that it would be an inappropriate thing for a 60-year-old woman to be sad that she could not marry, conceive a child and raise a family at that age, sometimes, we are saddened because we cannot have all the options at age 30 or 40 that we did at age 20.
Taking stock
When an external event precipitates a major change in our lives, or even an internal tidal wave of regrets or realizations of our lives makes us “sit up and take notice” of where we are on the life-time continuum, we pass through a stage where we may feel powerless over our emotions.
An encounter with a psychopath may be the precipitating external event in our lives, but it can be anything, or nothing in particular. A painful encounter, though, gives us the opportunity to take stock of where we are, where we wish to go, and who we are in the next phase of our adult lives. It is a time to truly recognize that we will not live forever, and that we are subject to the natural laws of this world, and yet, to rise above this and to find significant meaning in ourselves and in our lives.
We can use the external events to grow and refocus our lives, realizing that we do have power, complete power, over some things, and that we have no power over other things. We can live while we live, and find meaning and satisfaction in each of the stages of our lives.
Oxy,
What a beautiful article. You have said it all simply & succinctly.
“A painful encounter, though, gives us the opportunity to take stock of where we are, where we wish to go, and who we are in the next phase of our adult lives. It is a time to truly recognize that we will not live forever, and that we are subject to the natural laws of this world, and yet, to rise above this and to find significant meaning in ourselves and in our lives.
We can use the external events to grow and refocus our lives, realizing that we do have power, complete power, over some things, and that we have no power over other things. We can live while we live, and find meaning and satisfaction in each of the stages of our lives.”
This is enlightenment, the culmination of highly developed spirituality.
Love to you, Oxy.
((Louise)) and ((alivetoday)),
I agree with Oxy that much of what you are both describing is “NATURAL PART OF THE PROCESS OF HEALING and resolution of grief.”
As weird & strange as it may feel, please try to be loving to yourselves and give yourselves the time & space to go thru the process. A big part of healing is the resolution of grief. We feel grief because we have suffered losses. It’s painful.
But, on the other hand, we have NOW & TODAY, as Oxy wrote. Our today and now feels so different from our past. So, even though we may feel sad and angry, we also have a newly won freedom and insight. It’s almost as if we’ve been reborn to live a new life. We have the power to decide HOW we are going to live our new lives. As I’ve moved thru my grief and the healing process, I’ve begun to look for and find small joys in my life NOW & TODAY.
As skylar said, validation of our pain accelerates our healing. So, try to find some comfort in knowing that, despite the pain and anger, you are moving thru the process and healing more & more each minute, each hour, each day.
Thank you Louise, Oxy, Skylar, Clair …
I knew in my heart that i was in the grieving process..I thought this information was revealed to me now as I was in a position to receive it..I can only trust the process.
As I wrote my “airing out comment”, what I just wrote now (above)was also rampaging amongst the mass confusion of thoughts and emotions. Emotions seem to override the rational behavior that I should be conducting. I try to hold back the need for purging/relief, instant gratification and being completely honest down to the fine details. I am desperately trying to gain an understanding always(not just referring to the “P” experience)..just like a child.And this is why I have a therapist also; for at least once a week safe purging:)..This is where the “P” knew he always had the upper hand…he was always so cool to wait and watch his calculated plans play out and I was the perfect actress for the role..I would tell him every little piece of information I secured only to set myself up to a loss.I could never hold back..I was always setting myself up..ok i am rambling..goodnight to everyone..
Oxy, thank you for the reference regarding the grief process. I will google that in the morning.
Oxy:
Thanks…I have been flip flopping for two years now. I wish it would stop.
clair:
Thank you…HUGS.
Hi Louise,
I flip flopped for four years, wonderin what if, who was to blame etc. etc. Well I recently saw him from a distance, up to his same old behavior. I threw my flip flops off. I was always right about him, I will never give him the benefit of the doubt again. You will stop flippin and floppin. I just wanted to forget and move on, it doesnt happen that way, we must remember this lesson. Peace will come in it’s own time, be patient with yourself.
Dear Louise, I think Henry is right in what he said above 100% right.
It takes TIME and you can’t rush it. The grief process is a flip flopping kind of thing…denial, sadness, anger, bargaining, and acceptance but we flip and flop from 1-5 and eventually we may get to 5 and then go back to 1—but there will come a time when you get to 5 and stay there. Acceptance of what IS. Acceptance of what WAS and peace with it all.
Knowing about the grief process will help us when we find ourselves in a particular stage and we realize it and say to ourselves “Oh, I’m feeling angry at (the person) today”
The first time I remember feeling anger as a part of the grief process though I didn’t understand taht at the time was one night I woke up in the middle of the night so ANGRY at my grandfather for dying. Just FURIOUS with him for dying. I knew that wasn’t “rational” but I FELT that way anyway. Now I understand why I felt that way. It was part of the process and once I had gone through that I came to acceptance with his death. He’s been dead since 1975, and I still miss him…but I am at peace with it, I accept it and i don’t feel sad or hurt with it any more.
ACCEPTANCE of what was—whether it is a loss of someone through death or a psychopathic experience–is all the same in the grief process. Loss is loss is loss.
But you will get there, be patient with yourself. (((hugs))
Oxy, I read the grief article you suggested..I look forward to be at 5 and not to have any more pity partys! I think they too are part of the flip flopping….
I remember reading about the stages of grief when I had a stillborn…I want this time to be over sooner than later…I do get embarrassed and question all myself after each comment post…I just want my confidence back…
Unfortunately complex carbs won out yesterday, rather than a healthy comfort..that seems to keep the cycle of self-condemnation rolling…//Now I must look at the good things for today…When I walked the mountain this morning, I saw a family of 3 beautiful deer..the weather was perfect..my 10 year old nephews were with me and just enjoying the wonders of life……They have had great heartache in their life already but the joy continues to radiate from their eyes and smiles…They are a good example to me…:)
Alive today, as you can well see, you are not alone. Many inspiring comments for you and for all of us who relate.
You said:
” Also, My character traits are not what needed changing but the ability to identify these traits and to focus on how to have boundaries and be with safe, kind people”loving myself, loving others within a healthy awareness of who I am”.”
Paths, btw, love people who give off this vibe of uncertainty.
I have felt this way most all of my life and between wiring and nurture, I can understand why. I have had many, many therapists and different therapies, some helpful, some not.
The “acceptance” part if SO very important. Then go and grow from there, but this self-acceptance has to happen. Work on it my dear. I still try and I’m not young.
I remember decades ago, hearing Dick Cavet say that he had a great experience in therapy because his therapist helped him like and accept himself just as he was. Then, *from there*, he was able to make changes in himself and his perspectives, ways of thinking and interpreting that helped him tremendously in all areas of his life.
I think everyone on the LF blog deserves to allow themselves to love who we are and all our perceived flaws. As Ox and others said, have patience with the grieving period. After Godzilla was fired and I never heard from him again, (except a cryptic response to an email I sent him which let him know that I knew he was only a figment of *my* imagination and never really existed…I created him), I told myself, “Hey Reeling, you are going to give yourself a chance to grieve and not go into a deep depression or beat yourself or others over this.” I have done ok..it’s been 8 months.
I do have a question tho. Having dealt with a path and others in my life that are just plain nasty, aggressive and unkind people with few redeeming qualities, I wonder…..do these people deserve to love themselves?? Sometimes I think about this and wonder in light of some of my faults and flaws, do I deserve to love myself either a la the Dick Cavet story???
Just wondering what people think about that…..does everyone deserve to love him/herself?
Hang in alive!!!! You def deserve to follow the path of love and self-acceptance. I can tell.
Reeling, yes, we do deserve to love ourselves. We deserve to forgive ourselves for our flaws…we are capable of remorse for the things we have done that are “less than stellar” and believe me I have done some things I am greatly ashamed of, and rightly so.
However, I have REPENTED of those things, made amends where I could do so, and have STOPPED doing things that are mean, dishonest, or anything of that sort. I do my best to live by the “do right” rule and if it “ain’t right” I do NOT do it.
What else can anyone do? We can’t change the past. We can’t undo anything we have done that was “less than stellar” and so we accept that we are FLAWED humans who are doing the best that we can to live by the DO RIGHT RULE in the future.
Part of doing right is TAKING CARE OF OURSELVES WELL…and that means to recognize the things we need to change and to change them in ourselves. If we are not eating right, we need to start doing it. If we are drinking/smoking too much we need to stop that. If we are not exercising or taking care of our medical needs we need to start doing that.
We need to live financially responsible lives and take care of ourselves first. then to share what we can with those less fortunate than us. Volunteer or donate.
Living “good lives” with good people and staying away from the bad people.