By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Each one of us has more power than we generally perceive we do. Some people, in fact, do not recognize that they have any power over either what happens to them, or to how they react to what happens to them. Yet, we are totally powerful people; we have total power over what goes on inside us.
Recognizing that I am a powerful person with ultimate control over my emotions and actions is a heady feeling, and a scary feeling too. It is heady because it gives us a feeling that we can control ourselves, but it is scary because we also realize that there is no one else who can save us if we fail to exercise that power fully or competently.
When we were children, if we became frightened or sad, we could call on the god-like adults in our world to make us safe and to keep us safe. They could turn on the lights to scare away the monsters that might be lurking there when we could not reach the switch.
At some point in our lives, though, we must recognize that no one can do for us what we must do for ourselves, and that is to exercise our power to keep us as safe as possible from external events and internal tidal waves.
External events
Sometimes things happen externally that devastate our internal and external worlds: A trusted friend/family member/lover dies or betrays us, or a recession, depression, bankruptcy, or war intervenes in our carefully built and safe life that we could not have foreseen. This external event sweeps us away into an abyss of loss and despair. We see our own mortality, or that our life is half gone and we have not accomplished the “you should do x-es” that we had always thought we would do.
We let our sense of devastation externally and internally push us into an abyss of grief and pain. How do we take back our power when we feel so powerless, so naked and vulnerable? How will we ever feel safe again?
Recognizing that we are not in complete control of external events is a scary feeling, yet one that we must, as adults, face. Recognizing the truth that our plans for our future may not all be possible at this point in life is also necessary, and may sadden us.
Phases of life
Just as a child grows through various stages from birth to leaving home, adults too pass through various stages of adulthood. Erick Erickson described them as x, y, z. Unfortunately he did not describe them in great detail, but left his theories for others to expound upon.
I agree with Erickson that we go through various phases in adulthood as we move through the decades of the twenties, thirties, forties, etc. We are not the same person in each of these decades of our lives. We have different wants, needs, skills and knowledge as we move through life.
While it is easy to see that it would be an inappropriate thing for a 60-year-old woman to be sad that she could not marry, conceive a child and raise a family at that age, sometimes, we are saddened because we cannot have all the options at age 30 or 40 that we did at age 20.
Taking stock
When an external event precipitates a major change in our lives, or even an internal tidal wave of regrets or realizations of our lives makes us “sit up and take notice” of where we are on the life-time continuum, we pass through a stage where we may feel powerless over our emotions.
An encounter with a psychopath may be the precipitating external event in our lives, but it can be anything, or nothing in particular. A painful encounter, though, gives us the opportunity to take stock of where we are, where we wish to go, and who we are in the next phase of our adult lives. It is a time to truly recognize that we will not live forever, and that we are subject to the natural laws of this world, and yet, to rise above this and to find significant meaning in ourselves and in our lives.
We can use the external events to grow and refocus our lives, realizing that we do have power, complete power, over some things, and that we have no power over other things. We can live while we live, and find meaning and satisfaction in each of the stages of our lives.
Hey Ox: I stopped taking the xanax on my own, a month or so ago, before they put me on this lexapro. i just didn’t like what that xanax was doing to me and my heart. I am getting worn out on lexapro already. I don’t think it is working anymore like it used to. ALREADY. They said it would help with my ptsd symptoms as well but i see not a whole lot of difference; at first it was amazing but now that my body is getting used to it, it doesn’t seem to be working as well. With everything piling up on me the way it has been, I just want to run, screaming, nonstop.
Yah, I know ‘the calling the house thing’ is what they do but he always has one of his minions do it. And makes sure “I” recognize who it is. I have been left such horrid messages sometimes and I never bother anyone, Ox. I have changed my phone number a hundred times…..I just want to be left alone. Sometimes I think the only time this is going to stop is when I am gone. Right, how I react is exactly the intent. At first it bothered me to SOBBING; then it went into indifference and now it upsets me again….After all the death threats and ugliness I have gotten from “IT”, just what would be your or anyone elses first response at a phone call, when that person has threatened to murder you? It upsets me every time and I thought that perhaps this lexapro would help me just not really give a crap. Know what I mean? There is not one moment that I don’t think about my mortality and it’s not because I am afraid to die; I am not…I just am not letting “IT” have my life. NO MORE. In any way. I have been trying to concentrate on myself and my medical condition but like libelle said: “Murder by proxy” and yes, I can protect myself from that by changing my perspective, I am not so sure I know how to anymore.
I feel hammered right straight into the ground by everyone. Except for my friends here at Love Fraud.
I just want someone to be honest with me about my medical condition. Why can’t they just do that? Hm? And why can’t PSYCHOPATH leave me alone? Hm? I have repeatedly asked him to go away and he has even had ESCORTS out of town. I do not respond anymore, at all…I don’t. It’s blocked everywhere except for the ‘new minions’ he collects along the way…I warned “IT” a month ago to STOP IT and GO AWAY. THIS IS MY LIFE NOT YOURS. I AM DONE. STOP CONTACTING ME. And, although, for the most part, it has been quiet, he manages to throw those JABS into me from time to time, just to keep the mind FARK going. I know I should be stronger than this but I just am not. Not right now and I don’t know how to stop falling apart. I don’t feel well at all.
It has been five years of this abuse in my life and I am too weak right now to fight it off. I SLEEP almost all the time and yet people expect me to get things done. I try telling my doctors how I feel and nobody gives a crap. I really have nobody to help me do anything. Sure, I have great kids, but they have their lives too and I don’t expect them to interrupt what they are doing for this old bat.
So, that’s my life in a nutshell. Soon, I may be homeless and eating out of garbage cans. I may not be able to afford my medication anymore, anyways. So…”IT” stole my ‘living life’ from me in more ways than one. And all this just skims the surface.
Sorry for you Ox, in your car experience…omg…makes me scared just reading the way you wrote it! So sorry. There are things that happen like that around me, that is going to eventually shock me right into a heart attack. I so know how that feels. I could live more and better if I didn’t have the threat of someone or more appropriately: “SOMETHING” threatening to take my life from me, while I am trying to hang onto what I have. That’s the point. I am not afraid to die. I just don’t want to help it along….letting “IT” anywhere near me is only shortening my life span and it’s already short.
Yah, those last 40 years, Ox…where did they go? I turned around and became old with lines in my face…certainly the next plane of our existence must be brighter than this one has been. I have been blessed with wonderful, good, kind, children in this life and they will live on…that was the best part of me.
I am just having a real hard time finding the point anymore.
(((thanks Ox))) for the great words of inspiration…
Hope you are doing better.
Dupey xxoo
Ox, I am not afraid of dying, I am afraid of being dead.
😛
Leave it to you, Henry, to put a smile on my face…
Dupey,
It seems like you have multiple problems hitting from different directions. I’ll give you my thoughts on them, fwiw.
First, I find that magnesium, carnetine and CoQ10 are amazing supplements for the heart and ALL your muscles. They also help with anxiety. The best part is that they give you calm energy. That’s what I would recommend as step one.
Second, it’s important to understand WHY your spath won’t go away: BECAUSE YOU TOLD HIM TOO.
We all know that they delve into mind looking for what you want and then they TAKE IT AWAY. You asked him to go away so you know you can expect the opposite response.
I would backspath him on this. Next time one of his minions calls, casually hint that you find his attention comical. Say that you know he will do the opposite of what you tell him, and that’s why you told him to go away — so that you could amuse yourself with his perpetual antics as he continues his silly attempts to stalk you.
When he hears that you like his attempts to stalk you, he will cease.
Third, I think that one thing that can help manage depression is volunteering. It takes the focus off of yourself while at the same time giving you that “feel-good” boost that’s so important to long life and immunity. You know more about domestic abuse and violence than most people in the world, because you’ve experienced it and you’ve learned about it here on LF. Imagine how much good you could do for women who are confused and afraid.
Fourth, if it is at all possible, consider moving so that he can’t find you. NC is important because any contact allows the transfer of slime. Even small contact allows his “empty being” to contaminate your “being”. It’s the nature of being human. I’ve heard that there is a thing called “psychological hygeine” but I’ve yet to determine how to achieve it without going NC.
I second, Sky’s idea, Dupey… The last a spath will do is comply with your need or desire… A spath will always do the opposite of what you desire from them, because they’ll know it upsets you and gets under your skin. It’s their big fuck you in your face.
However, if they would think that them contacting you gives you some pleasure over them (as if you win something) then they’ll cease… More, if you can also link the idea that you would be miserable if he ever “ignored” you, then chances are high that he will make an effort in ignoring you (including his minions).
He doesn’t know what will make you feel miserable, unless you tell him. Misinform him about what makes you miserable and he might actually do what you truly want while he is convinced he’s making you miserable.
Hi skylar: I do have multiple problems slamming me from different directions. All at once too.
I don’t speak to any of the minions. They leave messages and then when they do, I block them from that point on. I do not engage with any of them, at any time. For no reason at all. There is no way to backspath him because I don’t have contact anymore and I am not going back into all the ugliness just to backspath him even though it would be GREAT ENTERTAINMENT.
“IT” has been blocked from calling my home for the past two years. So, when he gets a notion, he has a minion call ‘to check and see if she is alright for me…?” Or he uses a minions telephone. Yah, I know how this crap works. I have been around it long enough by now to know it inside and out and I have had it with it all.
I would love to volunteer, however, my medical condition ain’t so hot right now. I have a difficult time doing anything since my heart attack and heart surgeries. I just don’t have the energy anymore to fight all this stuff off. I just don’t. I am in bed most of the time because I get so weak, dizzy and tired. Some days it is difficult just getting up, skylar.
I think what is going to happen is that I might be moving to another state. I am not going to say where but it will be somewhere that isn’t here. Somewhere WHERE “IT” doesn’t know where I am. I think other than dying, that is the only other answer I have at my disposal to truly get rid of “IT”.
Psychological hygiene…hm, yes, no way to do that without going NC for sure. Least in my situation. This has gone on for ten years now and I am sick of it. Just sick of it all together. It’s not flattering and I don’t want to play his games anymore. He is not taking my life. He just isn’t. Although he is trying…
Thanks for your suggestions and for responding to me, skylar. I hope you are doing alright. You have helped me so much along the way…((((thank you))))…
Dupey
xxoo
darwinsmom: i agree with you about spaths not complying because you want them to. you would think with all the legal problems he has himself into at the moment, he would be just a little more careful of a criminal stalking charge; wouldn’t you? Especially one involving death threats, which he says he ‘didn’t mean…’ yah, right.
your backspath idea is wonderful however it won’t work in this situation. I have already came through all the backspathing I am doing in this situation. Now, I just want it to stop and am just about prepared to make any changes necessary to make that happen. Seriously.
I would LOVE to misinform him but I don’t communicate with him anymore. And I am not, like I told skylar, going back into that arena anymore. “IT” hears just nothing from me anymore. When they call, the next time they call, the phone tells them: “I am sorry, the number you are calling is not accepting calls at this time.” And it will always say that to that number. It is in effect BLOCKED. For all time. Unless I unblock them. The only way he could confront me now is in person and he has been escorted out of my town before, I am sure he doesn’t want a repeat but then it all depends on how desperate he is for the attention.
In the meantime, “I” have life problems of my own going on right now. Not including my medical condition and I am just off the edge with all this. I am just ready to pack a bag and head out on the big highway and see where it leads me…with or without heart medicine. Know what I mean?
Thanks darwinsmom for hanging with me…
Knowing I have some company right now means a lot to me.
Dupey
xxoo
still reeling
Sorry I missed read on the mother forgiving. Will have some more stuff to post later.
I think taking back our power is so important. The problem is that it’s easier said than done.
Right now I have two things going on that are external to me and making me feel powerless. First, my 90 plus YO mother fell and so that is not good. Second, it would seem the SPath former neighbor stalkers haven’t stopped stalking. These two events together worry me greatly. First, I have to be out of state for some time to take care of my mother. Second, the SPaths have a history of vandalizing my property. So I have a million details to tend to and am just flat out worried, as I can’t be in two places to control everything. This leaves me feeling powerless.
Anyway, a day at a time and time to prepare is what I have on my side.
In all of this, the N/P who really devastated me takes a back seat. I guess that is a sign that I’m moving past him and his damage done to me. He was and is the romantic N/P that I was involved with, not to be confused with the current Ps.
kathy0707
Sorry to hear about your mothers fall. Hope she heals quick. Nice that your able to take care of her.
About the house and stuff. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. Unless you have the money to put up cameras every where. So go and take care of your mother. Put the the house and stuff out of your mind. No since worrying about what you can’t do anything about. Like to be able to say put your finger in your ear and dance counter clockwise and all would be well. But all I’ve got is go be happy and when you get back home I hope all is well.
“I’m moving past him” that’s something to dance about. 🙂