By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Each one of us has more power than we generally perceive we do. Some people, in fact, do not recognize that they have any power over either what happens to them, or to how they react to what happens to them. Yet, we are totally powerful people; we have total power over what goes on inside us.
Recognizing that I am a powerful person with ultimate control over my emotions and actions is a heady feeling, and a scary feeling too. It is heady because it gives us a feeling that we can control ourselves, but it is scary because we also realize that there is no one else who can save us if we fail to exercise that power fully or competently.
When we were children, if we became frightened or sad, we could call on the god-like adults in our world to make us safe and to keep us safe. They could turn on the lights to scare away the monsters that might be lurking there when we could not reach the switch.
At some point in our lives, though, we must recognize that no one can do for us what we must do for ourselves, and that is to exercise our power to keep us as safe as possible from external events and internal tidal waves.
External events
Sometimes things happen externally that devastate our internal and external worlds: A trusted friend/family member/lover dies or betrays us, or a recession, depression, bankruptcy, or war intervenes in our carefully built and safe life that we could not have foreseen. This external event sweeps us away into an abyss of loss and despair. We see our own mortality, or that our life is half gone and we have not accomplished the “you should do x-es” that we had always thought we would do.
We let our sense of devastation externally and internally push us into an abyss of grief and pain. How do we take back our power when we feel so powerless, so naked and vulnerable? How will we ever feel safe again?
Recognizing that we are not in complete control of external events is a scary feeling, yet one that we must, as adults, face. Recognizing the truth that our plans for our future may not all be possible at this point in life is also necessary, and may sadden us.
Phases of life
Just as a child grows through various stages from birth to leaving home, adults too pass through various stages of adulthood. Erick Erickson described them as x, y, z. Unfortunately he did not describe them in great detail, but left his theories for others to expound upon.
I agree with Erickson that we go through various phases in adulthood as we move through the decades of the twenties, thirties, forties, etc. We are not the same person in each of these decades of our lives. We have different wants, needs, skills and knowledge as we move through life.
While it is easy to see that it would be an inappropriate thing for a 60-year-old woman to be sad that she could not marry, conceive a child and raise a family at that age, sometimes, we are saddened because we cannot have all the options at age 30 or 40 that we did at age 20.
Taking stock
When an external event precipitates a major change in our lives, or even an internal tidal wave of regrets or realizations of our lives makes us “sit up and take notice” of where we are on the life-time continuum, we pass through a stage where we may feel powerless over our emotions.
An encounter with a psychopath may be the precipitating external event in our lives, but it can be anything, or nothing in particular. A painful encounter, though, gives us the opportunity to take stock of where we are, where we wish to go, and who we are in the next phase of our adult lives. It is a time to truly recognize that we will not live forever, and that we are subject to the natural laws of this world, and yet, to rise above this and to find significant meaning in ourselves and in our lives.
We can use the external events to grow and refocus our lives, realizing that we do have power, complete power, over some things, and that we have no power over other things. We can live while we live, and find meaning and satisfaction in each of the stages of our lives.
Here is a link to an earlier article I wrote here on Love Fraud when I was writing under “Ox Drover” and not my name.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/04/30/loving-ourselves-one-piece-at-a-time/
Sometimes it is difficult to see ourselves as worthy of loving ourselves, we focus on what we don’t have, but we have many good points and we need to look at them.
I hear you Ox and will read the article this evening. Looking forward to it.
I do hear what you’re saying and this afternoon while running errands had a nice little chat with myself….it was helpful and reminiscent of the healthy way I was beginning to see things before path entered my life and I allowed him to muddy my new and better vision and outlook on life.
For me, that strongly involves stating and believing phrases like “It’s OK,” the old “Keep it Simple,” “It doesn’t matter,” etc. Anything that keeps me from getting too crazy and obsessive and worrying too much.
Then I can be the best me possible and enjoy giving of myself to others.
Thanks for your thoughtful comments, well agree with all of it, Ox. Well agree. Again, will read your link tonight.
Blessings
Hi, I wanted to share with you my thoughts while at the movies with my nephews (which seem to be so inline with your comments above!!) I told myself to be kind to myself…that in fact, I was grieving and that reading that chapter triggered many many memories which opened a floodgate of emotions. I also looked at both the “P’s” personality disorder as well as my contribution of my behavior..(dysfunctional and apparently a profile of “P” victims) … I told myself that a new self -awareness has taken place and this was growth or birth of something new and we all know that birthing something brings pain before the joy…
Oxy, I will read your article hopefully after I put my nephews to bed later unless I crash with them!! 10 year olds:) ….
I am so so so appreciative of ALL of you…a support system has never worked for me before but I know without a doubt that this one IS working for me..filling up a lot of voids in my heart…thank you:)
Alivetoday, gentle hugs to you. Time to take back what’s yours – meaning, your very “SELF!”
Ox, did read your article about your personal, and probably ongoing, journey with self-love. It was beautifully done. I recall when I was in my 30’s, single and had a great friend, who lived in my apt bldg at the time. She had been through a lot of nurture-driven, serious mental and emotional issues and was constantly challenged by demons. Being a strong, highly intelligent and courageous person helped greatly. We had many long walks and talks during our friendship and one thing she used to do that made me laugh was take ahold of her belly (it wasn’t all that large but she did have a little fat there) and say “See this? I love this belly!” She was learning, as are you, to love herself piece by piece. She had to or risk falling apart or at least, not living life fully.
We both went on to marry and despite a damaging relationship with her mom that almost brought her to suicide, she longed to have kids. Not being able to conceive, she adopted 4 “unwanted” kids which is another story of bravery, inspiration and courage unlike almost any other I’ve encountered. Point is that she learned early on that she had to love and embrace herself just as she was. Then and only then could she go on and do the incredible things she has been able to do with her life and the lives of others.
This whole appearance thing has me in a tailspin. I’ve always looked younger than my age and considered very pretty. Now I’m older and there is no denying it. I was brought up to value looks over all else. After a horrible childhood, then adolescence to follow (easy target for teasing and bullying), I blossomed. All of a sudden, I was getting attention from guys and more respect from girls as well. I did not know what to do with all this, when before I had been mocked and ridiculed.
With my mom’s emphasis on the importance of looks (and she was my goddess – I was so sure everything she spouted was true-so damaging-I was not allowed to have an opinion) I just went for it and spent all my time and efforts on my appearance. I didn’t learn anything, I was not intellectually curious, did not cultivate any real hobbies, etc. Not being a stupid person, I realized how limiting and unfulfilling this outlook was and how it was going to lead me down a path of despair when I began to lose my looks. I dreaded that day.
I finally found a couple of things I really enjoyed: tennis, aerobic dancing, needlework, reading, hiking, biking, and most importantly, purposeful work. I loved work and everything I was able to do as an employee. I could focus on other than my looks or other worries, I learned many, many things, I could reach out and help others. Work was my life. All I wanted was a partner in crime and my love life was terrible. I just didn’t know what I was doing. Too many expectations, did not understand how to compromise without losing myself, had no self-esteem, no confidence. Very jealous.
When I finally did get married, I knew it wasn’t a good match. We were just too different and I was just plain stupid, not young either, just stupid. He was and is a good person, just emotionally constipated. I see things a lot more clearly now and that is a good thing. Growth. But I can’t go back and change things. I’ve spoken here about him before. I know what I have to do to make my life ok, but I don’t seem to be able to do it.
When I met path, I was ripe for the distraction and the complimentary and appreciative way he treated me. I focused on him and forgot my worries. I fell for him, I guess, altho it never was more than talk and email. I knew, once again, as I had so many times in the past when I did things that my gut told me not to, that I was going to really suffer in the not too distant future. And of course, that’s exactly what happened. I have no idea what would have happened had he not been fired. I do know he was in trouble for months so acted even more strangely during those months than when we first met.
Perhaps his getting in “trouble” earlier rather than later was a blessing in disguise for me. I just know that altho I loved the attention and positive strokes he provided, the other path behaviors he displayed were enormously confounding and tapped into my sense of inadequacy, low esteem, vulnerability and lack of a core or center.
I began to feel jealous and sick because I was sure he turned on me time after time because he was pursuing younger, smarter, more hip women. Heck we didn’t even have a relationship. It was all my fantasy. I lived on crumbs when he felt like throwing them. Oh well, that story is a dead end and doesn’t matter.
The deal now is that I am hard put to love myself, piece by piece or any other way. I have a bad feeling of dread all the time. I don’t want to take medication for depression. I’m just constantly worried and down. I feel sorry for my husband. I can’t even relate to the person I was before. I have no interest in anything now that I’m not working. Job hunting, for the first time in my life, I feel is not going to pan out. I am very afraid of becoming ill since I had surgery last summer. Illness is my trigger for anxiety and worry. I’m very, very frightened about health insurance. This is NO way to live life.
Believe me, when I got laid off from my corporate job of 20 yrs, I felt rotten and scared but nothing like this. I felt so much stronger and more confident that with my experience, even though older, I would find a job.
And I did! I had a job before my last formal day with the Fortune 500! It was incredible but the boss lady was nuts, prob a path and I had to leave. In talking with a few folks who left before me, she was not going to change. My life was hell. Then I got the job with path. OMG…what a couple of years it’s been. I am so hard-pressed to forgive the F 500 that laid me off, knowing full well that I was a respected, hard-working and devoted employee and one who needed the job so badly, esp at my age and in this job market today. They full knew my story and my life. We were family. It was age discrim. I did all I can do. I will NEVER forgive or forget. No way. I would be fine today if not for them. I hope that somehow, someday I am able to understand what good has come from these past couple of horrifying years.
Ox, again, your article is impressive, makes so much sense and most importantly, what alternative do we have. The train? I just don’t know if I can get there.
hens and Oxy:
Thanks for that. I know…peace will come; it is just taking a long time.
I have gone 5, 4, 2, 1, 5, 3, 2, 1, 5…a million times! I just can’t seem to settle at 5, but ONE DAY I WILL!!! It may take a very long time, but it will get here.
Thanks to both of you.
Still reeling, i remain continually amazed that each of your post feel as if I am the one writing them…
I dont know if you know this or not, but you are doing great works in just your “doings”…I for one am finding acknowledgement and hope for a direct understanding that someone has just about “walked in my shoes” although, we both know they are not Jimmy Choos..(something like that!!LOL!) …
Where you are today, as I am sure many of us here are (i dont want be alone in this), may be frustrating, filled with racing thoughts and extreme polar ends of emotions, but it is a season of growth…// I have read this on other post regarding “seasons” and if I look back on my life, I know seasons do and are happening…I know I go up and down, in and out, stand firm and faithful, then question it all…I just know that I want “5” to get here soon..(stage 5 of grief cycle) ..I get tired of all the quotes and the directions provided but then I gain peace in them as well….
I wish so much that I had put myself in a position to succeed in a field that I could resort to for mental, emotional and financial support…I was guided as you in the area of prim and proper, etiquette, attractiveness, well-groomed and to be the best at supporting the breadwinner of home, a husband…..I never believed that I could finish college, that I “knew” that I did not have the discipline…(I understand that frequently, children of alcoholics dont finish what they start) however, my older sister, who had a whole other set of expectations put upon her, was able to have a successful and complete education..she always strived for perfection in all she did…she had drive that I could not even touch in my thoughts…..I never measured up in the words my mother…I repeatedly tried though…and here another failure…going outside of my marriage for value and love..feeling that the love-bombing from the “P” was what it was all about..Finally life had brought me the person that was going to make me feel the joy to be alive and to have the faith in me so that I could succeed…that I did have it…and this is the person who took me further down and shredded my soul……Now if that is not a season of learning!!!! I dont know what is?!?!?
I toggle daily with emotions about every aspect of my life..my past, present and future..I hate the fact that I STILL secretly deep inside, wish to be the heroine for the path…then, I see his present victims Youtube diary and I see who her believing that she will BE the one to prove undying love to him…I see her in the depths of the web…I see what she can not and what she would not, even if explained to her or if she was warned..I see how the P is killing her soul….and I could only imagine what is and will be happening to his wife and child…There is no place for warning them..
So, i guess with all that said, give gratitude for where you are now and have faith in where you are going, for this is only but a season…this too shall pass:)
Dear Reelilng,
I hear a lot of despair and depression in your post above. That negative attitude of “I can’t” is holding you back from making any progress. as long as you BELIEVE THAT that is what will HAPPEN.
You say you don’t want to take any medication for your depression. Well no one is going to force you to. But I think that is like saying “I don’t want to take any medication for my heart condition” or My diabetes, or any other medical condition you can name.
Medication for depression doesn’t “make you happy” it just helps level out your moods and is a REAL medical problem that cannot be over come with “wishful thinking”
Your description of your thinking, moods and attitudes shows to me that you have serious clinical depression and I advise you to be evaluated by a TRAINED MENTAL HEALTH PROVIDER. I would also suggest that you get some counseling to go along with the medication. it sounds like what is going on with you is not something that is going to be fixed by Love Fraud therapy or self help alone. Please consider a mental health eval. (((hugs)))
Alivetoday,
I had a very similar experience! In therapy for 20+ years, and didn’t ‘get it’ until I found out about personality disorders, and started reading books, like Women Who Love…..
Now, looking back from a bit of distance, I see that the each piece of my healing played a it’s part. No particular piece (books, therapy, friends support, maturing) was THE answer. They worked in ‘concert’ with one another.
And everyone is SO right. New awareness, and new feelings can send us into another storm of healing. It feels like we are going backwards, but we’re not.
You are getting there…..YAY!
Alive…you are correct, we have much in common….I think the upbringing situation affected us similarly, esp our moms. My dad was a func. alc. Not sure who in your fam was alc.
My brother, like your sister, tremendously successful.
We really have walked similar paths and “enjoy” the same type of vulnerablities and the need for validation. Enter the path.
You sound very upbeat and I very much appreciate your thoughtful comments. I hope you stay in the groove – I’m not sure what the 5 seasons of grieving are, but will Google it.
I like what you said about moving in and out of grief and I think it’s a good thing to try and accept where we are and know it’s a kink in the hose that will straighten out…a temp slide backwards.
I have sought inner peace since I was a young 20-something. It’s “all” I want, ever wanted, finding a way there is difficult for me. Not a meditator and don’t like relaxation/breathing techniques tho I consider myself spiritual in some ways (not religious) and very much align with Buddhist-type beliefs.
Sometimes I feel there are so many routes to peace, I don’t know which way to go. Then I just get overwhelmed. The multi-tasking mentality along with a generous dose of ADD (self-diagnosis).
Hey, alive, keep on keepin’ on. You sound good.
Ox, thank you for your perspective on this. You are correct. I am depressed, clinically and situationally. Been in therapy for years and I will be OK. I know I am not myself but honestly, Ox, aging is, as they say, not for the weak. I have always had a hard time saying goodbye to anyone or anything I care about and waving to my youth hurts. It really hurts and I feel a deep loss and pain that I think for me, is normal. There is a lot more I won’t bore you with, but know that I appreciate your thoughtfulness.
Love you guys..hey Lou!!!!!!!!!(ise!) You prob HATE “Lou”!!