By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Each one of us has more power than we generally perceive we do. Some people, in fact, do not recognize that they have any power over either what happens to them, or to how they react to what happens to them. Yet, we are totally powerful people; we have total power over what goes on inside us.
Recognizing that I am a powerful person with ultimate control over my emotions and actions is a heady feeling, and a scary feeling too. It is heady because it gives us a feeling that we can control ourselves, but it is scary because we also realize that there is no one else who can save us if we fail to exercise that power fully or competently.
When we were children, if we became frightened or sad, we could call on the god-like adults in our world to make us safe and to keep us safe. They could turn on the lights to scare away the monsters that might be lurking there when we could not reach the switch.
At some point in our lives, though, we must recognize that no one can do for us what we must do for ourselves, and that is to exercise our power to keep us as safe as possible from external events and internal tidal waves.
External events
Sometimes things happen externally that devastate our internal and external worlds: A trusted friend/family member/lover dies or betrays us, or a recession, depression, bankruptcy, or war intervenes in our carefully built and safe life that we could not have foreseen. This external event sweeps us away into an abyss of loss and despair. We see our own mortality, or that our life is half gone and we have not accomplished the “you should do x-es” that we had always thought we would do.
We let our sense of devastation externally and internally push us into an abyss of grief and pain. How do we take back our power when we feel so powerless, so naked and vulnerable? How will we ever feel safe again?
Recognizing that we are not in complete control of external events is a scary feeling, yet one that we must, as adults, face. Recognizing the truth that our plans for our future may not all be possible at this point in life is also necessary, and may sadden us.
Phases of life
Just as a child grows through various stages from birth to leaving home, adults too pass through various stages of adulthood. Erick Erickson described them as x, y, z. Unfortunately he did not describe them in great detail, but left his theories for others to expound upon.
I agree with Erickson that we go through various phases in adulthood as we move through the decades of the twenties, thirties, forties, etc. We are not the same person in each of these decades of our lives. We have different wants, needs, skills and knowledge as we move through life.
While it is easy to see that it would be an inappropriate thing for a 60-year-old woman to be sad that she could not marry, conceive a child and raise a family at that age, sometimes, we are saddened because we cannot have all the options at age 30 or 40 that we did at age 20.
Taking stock
When an external event precipitates a major change in our lives, or even an internal tidal wave of regrets or realizations of our lives makes us “sit up and take notice” of where we are on the life-time continuum, we pass through a stage where we may feel powerless over our emotions.
An encounter with a psychopath may be the precipitating external event in our lives, but it can be anything, or nothing in particular. A painful encounter, though, gives us the opportunity to take stock of where we are, where we wish to go, and who we are in the next phase of our adult lives. It is a time to truly recognize that we will not live forever, and that we are subject to the natural laws of this world, and yet, to rise above this and to find significant meaning in ourselves and in our lives.
We can use the external events to grow and refocus our lives, realizing that we do have power, complete power, over some things, and that we have no power over other things. We can live while we live, and find meaning and satisfaction in each of the stages of our lives.
Thanks hens…
This was like a long distance hug…
“hens says:
take 2 ”“ Dont be angry for loving someone, you would never have stayed as long as you did if it all was bad. I have good memories of my X, at time’s he (acted) like the perfect partner..hey if I had known he was just acting from the get go I would of done things differently..Life aint always gonna go the way we planned, so we got to live the life we got waitin on us.. ”
xxoo ~ Dupey
it takes 2 – good to see you have made it to the self protective/ homicidal stage. 🙂
i didn’t like who i was after. still don’t, not really. i was absolutely toyed with. by a master. THAT fact is probably one of the ones that kept my sanity from completely cracking. she’s so good at what she does that getting caught in her net was almost inevitable for me. (note that i say ‘almost’).
the shame i am left with is pretty intense at times. i see it more clearly now. there i was, laughing all the time with the person who i thought was the funniest person i had ever known, supporting some poor lost soul ill from abuse and genetic deffects, was gonna save that person. ha.ha. ha. I got conned so deeply, and in such a BIG way that the axis of the earth tilted.
one of the things the people at lf did for me was to dissuade of going after the spath. i am prone to action. i am glad they were effective. i now know that her smear campaign would probably have ruined my mind and my reputation at that time.
I have been able to do a number of things covertly to help others and to throw a wrench in here and there. maybe in the future, when i am stronger still, i will be able to do more. but for now, it is about taking care of myself and getting myself back on track. think it will take a couple more years at least.
the more balanced i feel the less i care that the lying sack of crap c* spath knows me. Although, i do think I would still punch her silly if i came face to face with her. Anger and fear both tell us we are in the presence of danger, and feel threatened. Some day i may get to indifference, but i no longer strive for it, as this pile of shit she left me with has some potential to be compost.
As a new user to this site, I don’t quite know what to say. I am in the process of ‘taking back my power’ so to speak, and thank those who have written and posted all the information that I have been reading in order to propel myself along this path of ‘healing’. It’s been all quite helpful and I’m now feeling the need to do some blogging of my own. I am actually starting to feel a tiny bit of my former self coming back, anger towards the spath and myself subsiding, and the despair and confusion slowly melting away, some sort of ‘acceptance’ is setting in. One thing that I would like to share, and maybe it will bring a smile to others if they can see the ironic humor, is that yes I truly did fall in love with a ‘fictional character’. The ‘mask’ you have all been talking about was truely complete and fictional, molded intrically with all the outlandish lies. That being realized by myself now, I look back and can actually laugh a little as my spath has only one tattoo on his body, a ‘fictional character’, the cartoon character of ‘scooby do’. How fitting and humorously ironic I find this now!!! Hopefully finding the humor in some of the little things is what will help me ‘take back my power’. Laughter is good medicine! I also have shared the link to this site with many of my friends, in an effort to help others become informed and avoid the very devastating experience I have gone through in this last year. Don’t forget to try and laugh, find some humor in all of it, and take back your power!!!
Wow, lots of new posts, some new people, very insightful and heartfelt comments. Wish I had the time to really read and comment…lots I’d like to say.
I do want to thank Ox, Spoon and Alive for directly responding to my posts regarding depression, mom, path.
Spoon, that is quite a comprehensive explanation and one I will print and use. Thank you and please know that will not only be helpful to me but also to others.
Ox, I hear ya. Sounds like we have had similar experiences with mothers. After 7 yrs, twice a wk Freduian therapy, I really have no choice but to agree that the impact is huge. I’m not sure that my mom didn’t love me…I think at this pt, I don’t really care and am more interested in hoping that my daughter feels that I love her. I don’t know how capable I am of loving…I just don’t know. I do think mom loved me as much as she could. At least I always felt she did. She just had so many negative and toxic emotions due to wiring and her own upbringing. Her outlook was twisted and confused and I feel she spent so much time justifying her behaviors to herself, borne of her own conflicting feelings of guilt and entitlement, there was no way she had a moment’s peace.
It’s only through so much therapy, self-help and people like yourself, others on this blog and friends that I am able to see these things in her and sadly in myself. Yes, it is very difficult and complicated to be the daughter that I am and still see life clearly and peacefully. It’s a constant anger-guilt-justification cycle that wears on me and brings me down. I find that when I can just let go of it all and say F it, I am much better.
It’s good that you have your own situation figured out. When I think of those who leave this earth never having lived because an auth figure (mother or otherwise) rejected or abused them, it makes me sick. I know people like this and there is no getting through to them.
Path brought out many insecurities and my need to please him just makes me want to vomit. When I look back, I can’t believe I took his sh*t.
Alive, I hear that you know where I’m coming from.
Hope things continue to go well for you.
Again, wish I could go back and comment on new folks (lurkers come to the fold?) but I know there will be all kinds of helpful insights coming your way from the terrific and caring people who post here.
Again, many thanks.
still reeling
Mine was my dads sister. After leaving there the hardest thing was to stop the cycle of abuse not to others but to myself. I was trapped in her cycle. And nobody understood. It was like everything would be fine then everything would start to spin out of control. I’d melt down. Then I’d be fine again. Then one day I realized that I was acting as if I was still there. Cause everyone in the house knew when it was time for her to explode. And it would get real tense until it happened.
Your mother may have had some kind of love for you. All I know is that one of the rules I go by is action speaks loader then words. If the words don’t match their actions, then the words are a lie. That love is not an emotion it is action. Without the appropriate actions there is no love. It doesn’t matter how many times someone claims to. Without the right action it’s all a lie. Another one to watch is the pattens. They always tell what is happening.
When you kill something as in the technique you can still do whatever it was. You are just no longer compelled to do it. The emotion is the trigger to the behavior. The one thing you will notice is that if you do the behavior that the emotions were tied to it will feel weird, odd. A lot of people say that we need to swap things out. Bad programing with good programing. In some areas they are right. But for the most part what I’ve found is that we normally know what the right thing is. It’s just this garbage is clogging up the works and we are compelled to act that way. But remove the trigger and we no longer have to do that or feel that way. So anything that you kill you’ll be able to remember. But there will not be the emotional anchor to stir you up. The memory will be a non-issue.
95% of our decisions are made by the unconscious mind. Another way to say it, 95% of our daily activity comes from our preprogramed beliefs. We only use about 5% of our conscious mind on any give day. [Dr. A.K. Pradee, neuroscientist]. Then there is Dr Bruce Lipton [Stanford University], “explains that there are two separate minds that create what he calls the body’s controlling voice. There is a conscious mind that can think freely and create new ideas ’out of the box’. Then there is the subconscious mind, which is basically a super computer loaded with a database of programmed behaviors, most of which we acquired before we reached the age of six. The subconscious mind cannot move outside its fixed programs ”“ it automatically reacts to situations with its previously stored behavior responses. AND (here’s the rub), it works without the knowledge or control of the conscious mind. This is why we are generally unaware of our behavior, in fact most of the time we are not even aware that we are acting unconsciously.” Add this to that kids learn more from what they observe then what their told. So the kids will pick up all the good and bad behaviors they see. Even if they don’t want too. So be easy with yourself it was all acquired naturally. The good thing is it can be changed.
If you or anyone has any questions on this just ask. Or throw a rock at me. I’ll always help if I can.
My 2 Cents
Spoon, terribly sorry about the abuse and its aftermath. I’m sure it’s still tough when you see/hear triggers not to feel anxious, cringe or duck. Thankfully you have worked hard to avert these reactions by learning and employing the techniques you so thougtfully explained.
I like your take on love…actions, not words. Yes, very, very true. I don’t think anyone would argue that. I like, “… love is not an emotion it is action”. I think love is definitely felt emotionally, but it definitely is expressed through actions. The words are nice, but if the treatment doesn’t match, then I concur the words are lie. Perhaps the heart is even in the right place at times, but the “lover” is not capable of treating the beloved (child, spouse, SO) as such…the path being one of many creatures who live by this behavior. It is not their choice.
I definitely buy the conscious/subconscious theory. I do think people use more or less of these parts of the brain depending on their brain chemistry. Nurture affects people in different ways and to different degrees. I believe that I myself have a very active subconscious because of my high degree of vulnerability and a self-concept that is almost entirely missing.
The emotion I feel most is fear, followed by anger and then guilt. I can feel great about myself for awhile, then one little slight can deflate my entire being. So I have become a very cynical person. Moreso after path. I truly have a difficult time believing anyone anymore and am convinced my husband, daughter and brother would not miss me one iota if I died. It’s tough to live in the same house with my husband knowing that, but fear won’t allow me to leave. He is not a bad person, just one that also probably deals mostly from the subconscious and will not let any emotions either penetrate or come forth…only negative ones. I know this is from his wiring and also his upbringing.
I chose very well. It took a long time but I found someone who is a good person but can’t even come close to a compliment or a hug unless there is a huge reason for it. But I am not perfect either and I have not been easy to live with, ergo his comment “I would never marry again, it’s too hard.” He chose well also…someone who would allow him to stay in his comfort zone. The few times I was able to penetrate his emotional shield were so exhausting, honestly, it was not worth it. I notice he hides his wallet from me. I wonder if he’s cheating..does not seem like the type…look at my paranoia. It’s all fear because of what it would take to live alone. We don’t have the funds.
It was easy to make path my world, he appreciated me…big LOL.
OK, I am wandering off into pity party land again.
Thx Spoon for your excellent insights.
I will go back to job hunting and thinking about who will win American Idol…TV is a big escape for me. Sorry if I’ve been repetitive.
Spoon & Stillreeling, one of the best suggestions that my counseling therapist made was that I read that book (I CAN NEVER REMEMBER THE TITLE), “Healing The Shame That Binds (Us, You, The Dog, Whomever).”
Noting that we do our decision-making on a subconscious level only validates the “inner child” view even more. If I was damaged early on, then my subconscious is going to override common sense in relation to what I’d already experienced. The feelings and fears became truths, rather than just feelings.
Good discussion….
Hi Truth, thx for the book recc. You said, “If I was damaged early on, then my subconscious is going to override common sense in relation to what I’d already experienced. The feelings and fears became truths, rather than just feelings.”
This would at least partially account for jumping into some things that we know intellectually are wrong for us, while making rational, sound decisions about other things.
Quite frankly, I believe that whatever makes an individual feel better and function as fully, healthily and happily as he or she can, is/are the “answer(s).” After decades of reading, soul-searching and outside help (professional and otherwise), I have changed almost completely in my outlook. I used to think I had epiphanies and life-changing moments, but for me, that was not the case. Time and experience has been my teacher. Making mistakes, sometimes the same one over and over and over and over. I don’t deny anyone their moments of clarity or aha and I do believe that rainbow of understanding does exist for some people..just not for me.
I do believe that nature and nurture affect us but to what extent, I do not know. I, like my favorite Beatle, George, have a difficult time believing that which I can’t see. But like I said, I embrace for any individual what works for that individual.
This theory picked me, I didn’t pick it. Finally realized that too.
Stillreeling, yepper – whatever works is the ticket! And, who would ever choose to experience sociopaths, really? If I knew THEN what I do NOW and all of the ramifications that came with them, would I have made the better decision and run for my life? I can’t answer that.
The one thing that I can say with conviction is that I hope to emerge from this mess with enough self-confidence, self-worth, and self-love to never, ever, EVER choose another spath as a friend or companion, again.
I will say that finding this site long before I discovered what the exspath was and had done probably prepared me for the worst experience of my life, to date. I’ve lost everything tangible: house, vehicle, investments, etc…..and, the emotional toll continues. But, had I not found this site, I would be going on and on about how sad I was rather than see it for what it was and HATE the truth, yet accept it.
Don’t get me wrong – I really and truly hate that the exspath is what he is. I hate that he stole my financial resources. I hate that I have to live in a room in the home of friends and that I do not have a place to call “Home” for the first time in my life. I hate that the exspath is going to walk away from what amounts to a Federal Crime with nothing more than a finger wagged in his face about what a naughty boy he was. Yes, I hate all of these things because they’re true and I can’t change them.
On the other hand……….that energy is powerful and can be better spent doing something productive rather than whining, moaning, and gnashing my teeth. So he stole…so what? So he lied….so what? It happens every day to many, many people in MUCH worse ways and I must count myself lucky to have gotten out with my life.
NOW……….the hard work is ahead. Regardless of why I chose spaths as partners, friends, or business partners, I need to work on me so that I don’t ever tolerate what I know is wrong for me just because I want people to accept me and approve of me.
Yepper………….whatever works is the ticket….. HUGS!
openeyes123: welcome to LF and thank you for your kind words and comments. I am sorry for the rotten experience you have come through but you can find healing here, if you just look for it. I have been in an abusive relationship for ten years and finally got out. It was a horrid experience filled with threats and all sorts of ugliness, just like you see in the movies.
Thank you for posting. If you ever need a good, honest opinion, this is the place to come for it. We are all attempting to help one another through the murky waters. After five solid years of my ‘affliction’ with “IT”, I am starting to heal but that has only come after NC and ceasing the incessant stalking that was always a part of this roadshow.
You are absolutely right: find as much humor in it as you possibly can…the laughter will help keep you sane.
Welcome and feel free to post and chime in whenever, wherever. I am sorry you have had such a bad experience but this is a good spot to be…lots of understanding here.
Dupey