By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Each one of us has more power than we generally perceive we do. Some people, in fact, do not recognize that they have any power over either what happens to them, or to how they react to what happens to them. Yet, we are totally powerful people; we have total power over what goes on inside us.
Recognizing that I am a powerful person with ultimate control over my emotions and actions is a heady feeling, and a scary feeling too. It is heady because it gives us a feeling that we can control ourselves, but it is scary because we also realize that there is no one else who can save us if we fail to exercise that power fully or competently.
When we were children, if we became frightened or sad, we could call on the god-like adults in our world to make us safe and to keep us safe. They could turn on the lights to scare away the monsters that might be lurking there when we could not reach the switch.
At some point in our lives, though, we must recognize that no one can do for us what we must do for ourselves, and that is to exercise our power to keep us as safe as possible from external events and internal tidal waves.
External events
Sometimes things happen externally that devastate our internal and external worlds: A trusted friend/family member/lover dies or betrays us, or a recession, depression, bankruptcy, or war intervenes in our carefully built and safe life that we could not have foreseen. This external event sweeps us away into an abyss of loss and despair. We see our own mortality, or that our life is half gone and we have not accomplished the “you should do x-es” that we had always thought we would do.
We let our sense of devastation externally and internally push us into an abyss of grief and pain. How do we take back our power when we feel so powerless, so naked and vulnerable? How will we ever feel safe again?
Recognizing that we are not in complete control of external events is a scary feeling, yet one that we must, as adults, face. Recognizing the truth that our plans for our future may not all be possible at this point in life is also necessary, and may sadden us.
Phases of life
Just as a child grows through various stages from birth to leaving home, adults too pass through various stages of adulthood. Erick Erickson described them as x, y, z. Unfortunately he did not describe them in great detail, but left his theories for others to expound upon.
I agree with Erickson that we go through various phases in adulthood as we move through the decades of the twenties, thirties, forties, etc. We are not the same person in each of these decades of our lives. We have different wants, needs, skills and knowledge as we move through life.
While it is easy to see that it would be an inappropriate thing for a 60-year-old woman to be sad that she could not marry, conceive a child and raise a family at that age, sometimes, we are saddened because we cannot have all the options at age 30 or 40 that we did at age 20.
Taking stock
When an external event precipitates a major change in our lives, or even an internal tidal wave of regrets or realizations of our lives makes us “sit up and take notice” of where we are on the life-time continuum, we pass through a stage where we may feel powerless over our emotions.
An encounter with a psychopath may be the precipitating external event in our lives, but it can be anything, or nothing in particular. A painful encounter, though, gives us the opportunity to take stock of where we are, where we wish to go, and who we are in the next phase of our adult lives. It is a time to truly recognize that we will not live forever, and that we are subject to the natural laws of this world, and yet, to rise above this and to find significant meaning in ourselves and in our lives.
We can use the external events to grow and refocus our lives, realizing that we do have power, complete power, over some things, and that we have no power over other things. We can live while we live, and find meaning and satisfaction in each of the stages of our lives.
I have been spending a lot of time on this forum, which is actually a suicide prevention hot link. People who come there are feeling frustrated and in a spot, needing someone to listen and to be there and it has not only helped me but has also helped others who join in the discussion. It is an online chat which is open 24/7 and it doesn’t matter what country you are in, you will always find someone there who is extremely empathetic and understanding.
It is completely anonymous but you do have to sign up in order to access the site and the chat features. I wanted to share this place with all of you because it has helped me so much, just like Love Fraud has, on my journey…
This link will mean that you always have someone there to talk to…for us ruminators, that is a HUGE DEAL. hehehehe
http://www.suicideforum.com/login.php?do=logout&logouthash=1335056810-d8f51b79a9dcbdf98531d310e11da9707d2ffdcd
Truth, your strength is enviable and I’m sure builds upon itself. That’s the beauty of rising above….not that there are not *those* “teeth-gnashing” days (to steal your phrase) but path or no path, weak, strong or inbetween, we all have those.
What happened to you is ever so shameless and just plain despicable. My hat is completely off to you for your attitude and ability to accept what occurred and go on. I’m glad you have friends to stay with, they are equally blessed to have you. Hoping that the time will come when you can get your own place again and a car, if you so desire. That this thing was able to rip off all your assets, along with the emotional heartache is just beyond any rational belief, then to get off with a hand slap.
One who has not been there might ask, “The hard work is ahead? Of course there is NO way you will ever get involved in any situation with this type of person again, after what you’ve been thru.” But those of us on this blog and millions of others know that we have to be vigilant and at the ready to turn and walk, no, as you said earlier in your post, RUN the other way at the first sign of pathic behavior. When we feel we are compromising our integrity, sense of right and wrong, moral conviction, et al, anything that doesn’t *feel* right in exchange for the approval, acceptance, appreciation of any other individual, it is our prime obligation to ourselves and family to get the hell outta there as quickly as possible and no looking back.
Hugs back at you and know how much I respect you and your attitude and hard work…strong lady.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ur3xu43Fols
Just passing on a share that was shared with me from someone else sharing it with somebody else that turned around and shared it with me so I could share it with all of you.
still reeling
Thanks for the thoughts. The past is just the past for me, thankfully. Triggers are gone for the most part. Haven’t seen one in a long time. But they are easily dealt with. Anchor it and kill it. No reason to leave it there. It servers no purpose but to trip me up some where. No need or desire to feel bad. The more of these I killed the more I became me.
No need for apologies say what you need to even if you have to say it over and over.
She didn’t do it to me the kid because of who the kid was. She did it because of who she was. And it’s the same thing for the spath. He does it because of who he is. There is nothing I could have done to change what she was doing. It wouldn’t have matter if I had done it all perfect. She was who she was. Doesn’t make it right. Just what it was. It would have been nice if she hadn’t been that way. It would be nice if the world was a fair place. But if frogs had wings they wouldn’t thump their butts when they jumped. But there was one choice I walked away.
Back to the part of your mother. She probably came by it natural. Just like we all do. Did the best she could. So here is where it can get tough, she isn’t the problem any more. And it’s not that she has pasted away. It’s the fact that the problems are in us. We can let her go. We are doing it all just fine without her. We don’t need her promoting. It’s all nicely preprogramed. We’re not broken or damaged. What we do we do well. There is no perfect childhood. Of course some seem better then others. But that is a moot point. We are all where we are. And every where we go there we are. Ladada and all that stuff.
🙂
Also it wasn’t the kid that was at fault. They did what they could with what they had. Let the kid have fun. Some have a problem with this. They keep saying if I had only… Meaning the kid is still at fault.
Just like with the spath who imprints his reality on to his prey. It becomes part of ones beliefs. Same thing that happens to a child that grows up. He takes in the beliefs of his surroundings. If it’s limiting beliefs then he will run off of these limiting beliefs until he either decides to change them or some events spurs the change. Works the same if he is brought up in a growth environment. The effects of these limiting and growth belief systems are very different. With limiting we tend to be defensive, unable to move forward, either or thinking etc. With growth we tend to expand and become more then what we were. With a spath it is limiting beliefs. The longer we’re with them the more of this craps gets into our own thinking.
Limiting beliefs put us in a box. If one believes they are unlovable for example. Then when someone expresses real love towards them they will not believe it because they are unlovable and there has to be something wrong with the other person. They might not even notice it. Or they may grab on to anything that seems like love with everything they got. I’m not worthy, I’m not good enough, I’m not important, I’m not deserving, etc. are more example of limiting beliefs. They become self-fulfilling prophesy. The I’m not worthy person can only feel worthy for a split second or 2. When they get a lot of praise etc. But they will also feel very unconformable because they ain’t worthy. It will end with them feeling more unworthy. Same goes for all of these. It can be very painful as they see small glimpses of the love or worthiness. Knowing it exists but not for them. But the same thing works for those who have a growth mindset it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. We are not all one or the other but a mixture of both. It’s just that some limiting beliefs are more destructive then others. As will as some growth mindsets are more liberating.
Many things become true not because they are. But because we choose to believe and make it so. A person with the unlovable belief is not experiencing love because they are unlovable. But because they are stopping themselves from being able to experience love. To develop any real love. How because they are preprogramed to see unlovable. And if someone is treating them with love they start the program up I’m unlovable and in the end screw it up. In their mind it is them. They are deemed unlovable. They don’t realize it’s their preprograms that is make this so. In most of this we become this way because our parents didn’t know how to love so the kid did the best he could with what he knew and protected himself. And became just like them. There are the kids who have good parents but take on destructive beliefs.
“I think love is definitely felt emotionally…” Yes but only if we are preprogramed to feel love. For we are the one’s that put the emotions on the act. It is not coming from the person who is doing the action. That’s why the love bomb works. The spath is playing his preys preprogramed falling in love sequence.
The one thing about killing limiting beliefs is there is always a statement tied to it like “I’m unlovable.” “She didn’t love me enough.” These have to be killed too. Anchor and follow it back to where it was created in one’s timeline and run the recording backwards. You do this along with ripping the emotions from it.
Truthspeak
Thanks for the book. Think I’ve seen it if not. Just check yep read that one. But it’s been a long time ago. So don’t remember all the details about the book.
This is not about this book just in general. All this stuff can be good but I have one problem with most self help books. Is they tell you. That’s point B and that’s where you want to go. But offer no real way to get there. It can be very frustrating. I remember dealing with the concept “TO BE.” I’d read a small book about not trying but being. I was 16 or 17 and I beat my head on a telephone pole over this one. But they can help us to see possibilities. And many have been helped.
Sorry for what you lost. But I’d say your seeing the situation very well. Your alive. Always a good place to start. Plus it’s nice to have friends that will help out.
The worst day I ever had was wonderful.
My 2 Cents
still reeling
Some times well probably most of the time I get to writing and forget a few things.
“The emotion I feel most is fear, followed by anger and then guilt.”
Anchor the fear, the anger, the guilt when you feel it. Follow it back. And kill it. Or in the words of Tin Cup “grip it and rip it.” Of course after a while you won’t be able to say ” your chalked full of inner demons.”
My 2 Cents
My story in a nutshell –
I met a lady on a dating website.
We went to a hotel and talked for 4 hours.
We “clicked” instantly and she kissed and
even told me that she’d like to meet up in future.
I was stoked. Elevated. I felt ALIVE.
Quickly, she “dug her claws in” and started
asking me for commitment within the first 3 weeks.
I told her that I’d need some more time and she
took offence to this saying that I was ruining my
good chances.
Then she went straight to my money and
wanted me to pay for almost everything.
Thats when I said “enough is enough” and
when I did that the abuse began.
At the end of the day I gave her too many
chances and stuck with her to the very end.
But because the money was running out
and because she didnt want to “take care”
or “mother” me, I got dumped.
This is such a contradicition because I was
the one who was paying for everything.
To this day I miss her terribly.
Its like I’m addicted to a drug.
I know it sounds crazy and I know it
is illogical but she just had this affect on
me which swept me off my feet.
Sometimes I feel like re-establishing contact
with her but I know she’d hang up if I did.
Shes a very conservative “Right answer,Wrong answer”
person and she gives NO second chances.
Thats a pity since I gave her so many chances.
Then when I tried to distance myself she got
ahead of me first and punished me through
leaving me without any explanations. Strange because
when I tried to distance myself she wanted every
explanation under the sun and then called me
“pathetic” when I didnt provide enough explanations.
When it came to her turn to dump me she gave me
no explanation at all.
I find that hurtful to this day and I really wonder
if I will ever get over this.
Tony77: I am so sorry you have had to come through this. I completely understand you and what you must be feeling but you have to realize this “THING” is poison to you. You know that; right? You must get it away from you and keep it away from you or else she will suck your very soul from you, when she is finished with your pennies.
She sounds like a typical sociopath to me. She trapped you under her spell and then took complete advantage of you and all of your weaknesses, the same way the psychopathic stalker has done to me the past ten years. It doesn’t matter what you think and/or feel, all that matters is what they think and/or feel. You have to accept that and digest that.
The most hugest piece of advice I can give you is to not let go of YOURSELF right now. Take all this negative energy and turn it into positive and direct it at yourself. Realize WHO you are and what you stand for. If you already know what you don’t know, how can you say you don’t know it? Right?
Don’t break NC, let it go. Take my advice. You will only be playing into her hands and giving her more opportunity to mess with your head. The best thing to do is just to get away and stay away. Preserve your sanity and the hurt will eventually subside…we will find other ways of processing it so that it makes sense to us.
Once again, I am sorry this happened to you.
I send you prayers and happy thoughts,
Dupey
I came back to edit to add this: I met my psychopath on the internet as well. The predators lurk on the internet and can play their con so well. You can be anyone or anything you want to be online…I have sworn it all away from me. I learned my lesson.
Hey Dupey
Thanks for the great advice.
No I’ll defintely stay away.
Its just the inner turmoil I feel
at the moment that is getting me down.
She was very financially orientated with
grand plans to buy houses etc but did
not have any money herself.
I miss her for her personality and the
times she really made me feel on top
of the world.
I’ve met a couple of women since our
breakup but they dont seem to have
that “spark”.
Unfortunately sociopaths know how to
put on the charm and I was definitely sucked in.
I feel very angry and upset and I know
that the more I play into her hands, the more
ego-centric she will become.
Its terrible how these people get into our
lives. Expose our greatest needs and secrets
and then use those fears as a emotional blackmail
bargaining tool to ruin our lives.
I am just hanging on by a thread Dupey.
I’m a very sensitive guy and I’m trapped
in myself and thoughts of despair.
I try my best to be open and honest with people
because that’s what I’ve been brought up
to do by my parents but at the same time
I cant help but feel a bit more “guarded” these
days considering I’ve been through this
traumatic experience.
She basically came in my life, took my money,
gave me attention to continue her supply
and then eventually discard me.
My experience is very similar to Sebbo Ricadonna’s.
Infact sometimes I wonder if he met the same woman!
Just goes to show that females can exact the same
amount of pain on a man as the male sociopaths do
on women.
Tony77: right, women or men, they still create the same kinds of devastation in our lives. I don’t know what you have read about me and my ‘experience’, but it has been a very long, drawn out, harrowing one, for sure. I have been trapped in a mindset that psychopathic conditioning wrought upon me. I couldn’t see it coming but when it did, wow: I was immediately pushed off the cliff. They don’t like being exposed. Yes, I understand the ‘missing part’ but what is it you really miss?
I don’t miss anything about mine. None of the drama, none of the chaos, none of the death threats and gaslighting and manipulating. I would rather be alone than to sell my soul to the devil and that’s just what it was.
We will come out alright; we just have to remember who we are and what we stand for and believe in. As long as we don’t give up on ourselves, we will make it to the other side, just fine.
Blessings to you Tony77….I will say prayers for you that your pain and sorrow will just instantly disappear…just remember who you are and “WHAT” “THAT” was…
Dupey
Tony i am sorry to hear your story.
Yeah your right sounds very very similar to the woman i dated. I was trapped in a vicious cycle of lost money, excess flirtation and using sex as a weapon. She’s still out there meeting guys, luring them in with sex and robbing them not only of money but also self esteem.
How do I feel now?
I feel GUTTED. ABsolutely GUTTED.
I really want to speak to her just one more time
and find out ALL the reasons why but if I do that
I get a restraining order. That means that I have to
face losing somone forever or getting a criminal record.
How do you think that makes me feel?
Think about it Tony, you’re lucky!!!!!