By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Each one of us has more power than we generally perceive we do. Some people, in fact, do not recognize that they have any power over either what happens to them, or to how they react to what happens to them. Yet, we are totally powerful people; we have total power over what goes on inside us.
Recognizing that I am a powerful person with ultimate control over my emotions and actions is a heady feeling, and a scary feeling too. It is heady because it gives us a feeling that we can control ourselves, but it is scary because we also realize that there is no one else who can save us if we fail to exercise that power fully or competently.
When we were children, if we became frightened or sad, we could call on the god-like adults in our world to make us safe and to keep us safe. They could turn on the lights to scare away the monsters that might be lurking there when we could not reach the switch.
At some point in our lives, though, we must recognize that no one can do for us what we must do for ourselves, and that is to exercise our power to keep us as safe as possible from external events and internal tidal waves.
External events
Sometimes things happen externally that devastate our internal and external worlds: A trusted friend/family member/lover dies or betrays us, or a recession, depression, bankruptcy, or war intervenes in our carefully built and safe life that we could not have foreseen. This external event sweeps us away into an abyss of loss and despair. We see our own mortality, or that our life is half gone and we have not accomplished the “you should do x-es” that we had always thought we would do.
We let our sense of devastation externally and internally push us into an abyss of grief and pain. How do we take back our power when we feel so powerless, so naked and vulnerable? How will we ever feel safe again?
Recognizing that we are not in complete control of external events is a scary feeling, yet one that we must, as adults, face. Recognizing the truth that our plans for our future may not all be possible at this point in life is also necessary, and may sadden us.
Phases of life
Just as a child grows through various stages from birth to leaving home, adults too pass through various stages of adulthood. Erick Erickson described them as x, y, z. Unfortunately he did not describe them in great detail, but left his theories for others to expound upon.
I agree with Erickson that we go through various phases in adulthood as we move through the decades of the twenties, thirties, forties, etc. We are not the same person in each of these decades of our lives. We have different wants, needs, skills and knowledge as we move through life.
While it is easy to see that it would be an inappropriate thing for a 60-year-old woman to be sad that she could not marry, conceive a child and raise a family at that age, sometimes, we are saddened because we cannot have all the options at age 30 or 40 that we did at age 20.
Taking stock
When an external event precipitates a major change in our lives, or even an internal tidal wave of regrets or realizations of our lives makes us “sit up and take notice” of where we are on the life-time continuum, we pass through a stage where we may feel powerless over our emotions.
An encounter with a psychopath may be the precipitating external event in our lives, but it can be anything, or nothing in particular. A painful encounter, though, gives us the opportunity to take stock of where we are, where we wish to go, and who we are in the next phase of our adult lives. It is a time to truly recognize that we will not live forever, and that we are subject to the natural laws of this world, and yet, to rise above this and to find significant meaning in ourselves and in our lives.
We can use the external events to grow and refocus our lives, realizing that we do have power, complete power, over some things, and that we have no power over other things. We can live while we live, and find meaning and satisfaction in each of the stages of our lives.
Sebbo
I understand in your previous posts
about when you say you “miss her”.
I live with that feeling every day.
Unlike you, I dont have a restraining
order threatened on me but I still
need to hold back for my own sanity.
I came very close to visiting her last
week as she only lives 10 minutes away
but I didnt allow myself to do it because
i knew that she would see it as a sign
of begging.
Still, I feel how long can this continue?
Will I have to grow old or die before I ever
see her again? Its best we just cut our losses
and leave Sebbo. You had a loss, an indescribable
loss and so did I.
When someone leaves, they take a part of you.
When they enforce NC on you it shows their
cruelty and neglect.
Wouldnt it be great if we were the ones deciding NC?
You dont have a choice Sebbo and neither do I.
We are “prisoners” of sociopathic witches.
How is best to handle NC with someone who is in very close proximity to you? I did it with the egg donor and I have been over a year strict NC with her. The N who brought me here initially discarded me and I never had to see him again-easy. What is the best way to go strict NC with someone you normally see at least once a day? I’m scared.
Elizabeth
I also live about 10 minutes away from my sociopathic ex.
I am in the same situation. Its like they are so close yet
so far away.
NC is ok if YOU start it, but if your partner (the dumper) starts it is a whole different ball game.
Just like you and Sebbo – I feel used, abused and silenced into submission.
Tony-mine is next door-on the other side of my wall. We live in a double. We are in mutual avoidance now but it was instigated by me. She came out the house in a dress looking all gorgeous and for the first time, I didn’t comment at all and didn’t ask where she was going. That upset her cuz it wasn’t my usual behavior. She got bothered and came back and alluded to someone on the phone where I could hear that there was a guy in the picture. This was coming from miss “I’m never dating a guy ever again”. If there really is one or if she’s faking it, it’s all to hurt me. I had increased my smoking since all this started and she’s aware of that. She uses it as abarometer for how much she’s upsetting me and it makes her feel powerful. I really need to quit for that reason. I am afraid of what will happen when I am strict NC. I am a nurse and she has manipulated me before to come over there my using illness/physical ailments to get me to come over-even when things were good. She couldn’t just say I really want to see you-I want you to hold me. She had to make things up. She will try that again for sure. I’m afraid cuz she is super vindictive/vengeful and manipulative. It is so hard with her bedroom on the other side of the wall from mine.
lizzy – you are so addicted, eh? one step at a time. if she is sick she can cal 911, like the rest of us. you don’t have to sacrifice yourself at the feet of the not so golden relationship. Believe me, i know ALL about this one. Spent 7 hours on the phone one day on suicide watch. To hell with them and the pity ploy! My n father tried to pull one on me recently. I just looked at him.
btw – move your bed into the living room.
Spoon, I want to comment on your last post..have a busy day today, but there is so much there that is both illustrative and comforting. Things one might know but bury when they are transfixed by a path. At least, that’s what I did. I really find much of what you said jolting in a good way. I will comment later when I get back home.
Thanks so much for sharing.
Onestep-not planning on letting her manipulate me that way but I am preparing myself for what could possible be coming. Can’t move my bed into the living room though-then I’d never get any sleep-she plays the tv loud til all hours of the night while she’s “working”. At least I get a solid amount of sleep in the bedroom and it’s a hell of a lot more sleep than the little princess gets. You know what they say about N’s not needing barely any sleep.
OK Spoon, I want to comment on a few things you said.
“She didn’t do it to me the kid because of who the kid was. *She did it because of who she was. And it’s the same thing for the spath. He does it because of who he is. There is nothing I could have done to change what she was doing.* It wouldn’t have matter if I had done it all perfect..”
Beautifully said. Exactly. Needs to be read by anyone who is maltreated by a path, parent, perceived auth figure, etc.
For the purpose of this site, the path..yes, he/she finds a victim and twists them into a pretzel because that is what they do. It has nothing to do with the victim other than for whatever reason, (nature and/or nurture) we fell prey to their doing the insidious, vile things they do. Generally veiled and hidden at first, then the velvet claws emerge and one day you realize you are ripped apart and bleeding.
Then there is no way to go but to heal. As you say Spoon, it is because of who *they* are and the vile sickness they have.
About parents, guardians, auth figures that screwed up…no matter whose fault it is, the fix is the same. Accept what they did and let it *go*. We have to be the ones to cut the cord if they didn’t. That means letting go of all that they did, thought, their behaviors, punishing comments, perceived and obvious putdowns…..how much of a disappointment we were to them. All that goes in the s.can. Gotta happen. Just being aware is helpful – and gotta be on top of that all the time until it becomes a habit.
Everything you said about being programmed to feel lovable v unloveable is so worth reading and re-reading…many x. I can’t even re-quote it here because it’s all good and needs to be read in full, not piecemeal. Limiting and growth beliefs…all so true.
We are what and who we think we are. If we feel worthless and unloveable, we *will* push away anyone who genuinely cares. It’s uncomfortable as it goes against our limiting mindset. So we blow it. But we welcome the path because we know we can and will be punished and hurt as we throw out the red carpet for their abuse and open our hearts to only them. Hell, you can spend the entire rest of your life suffering over these people. I will be the first to admit that I am of the limited mindset. I knew what I was getting into because I could tell from the moment I met path at interview that he was smarmy. He made an inappropriate comment which I just shelved.
Once I went to work there, it escalated but he was a master at it so I fell hook, line and sinker. He did nothing, I did everything. His crumbs allowed me to “prove” to myself that he was trying and it wasn’t all me, but I knew better. He was giving nothing and I was becoming a zombie. Thankfully once he was fired, he disappeared from my life.
Grief set in but the worst part was not his being gone, it was that I felt angry and ashamed that I had played into his game even tho I knew and let him know I knew, he affected me and I felt sad and frustrated. This is how good they are.
But folks, they are only as good as you allow them to be…if you listen to Spoon and others, it is important to examine how we feel from this pt forwards in r.ships and fships of all sorts so as not to be sucked into another grief-riddled situation…spending time angst’ing for a psycho who is empty inside and evil inside and out is a horrible waste of time.
Spoon said, “… *we* are the ones that put the emotions on the act. It is not coming from the person who is doing the action. That’s why the love bomb works. The spath is playing to his/her prey’s preprogramed falling in love sequence.”
The path picks up on our vulnerability, emotion, compassion, the slightest interest they think we have in them, whatever it is they want from us, throw out the bait and just wait for us to grab on. Then it’s all over and they have the power. There is no emotion on their part. It all comes from us. Ergo, we suffer and they don’t. So the grief has to happen and then we have to let go. Sure, it’s a choice but you can be limited or you can grow. Staying limited means you will hurt as long as you are in that mindset. Choosing a growth mindset will allow the hurt to stop because you will want to get past it to enjoy and live life again. It is a choice.
Spoon, if I have interpreted wrongly, my apologies.
Thank you for all the very helpful insights. And I hope others will grab on. It makes so much sense.
Stillreeling, thank you for the boost of confidence. I don’t feel any strength, at all. Right now, I’m just taking it a day at at time. HUGS