By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Each one of us has more power than we generally perceive we do. Some people, in fact, do not recognize that they have any power over either what happens to them, or to how they react to what happens to them. Yet, we are totally powerful people; we have total power over what goes on inside us.
Recognizing that I am a powerful person with ultimate control over my emotions and actions is a heady feeling, and a scary feeling too. It is heady because it gives us a feeling that we can control ourselves, but it is scary because we also realize that there is no one else who can save us if we fail to exercise that power fully or competently.
When we were children, if we became frightened or sad, we could call on the god-like adults in our world to make us safe and to keep us safe. They could turn on the lights to scare away the monsters that might be lurking there when we could not reach the switch.
At some point in our lives, though, we must recognize that no one can do for us what we must do for ourselves, and that is to exercise our power to keep us as safe as possible from external events and internal tidal waves.
External events
Sometimes things happen externally that devastate our internal and external worlds: A trusted friend/family member/lover dies or betrays us, or a recession, depression, bankruptcy, or war intervenes in our carefully built and safe life that we could not have foreseen. This external event sweeps us away into an abyss of loss and despair. We see our own mortality, or that our life is half gone and we have not accomplished the “you should do x-es” that we had always thought we would do.
We let our sense of devastation externally and internally push us into an abyss of grief and pain. How do we take back our power when we feel so powerless, so naked and vulnerable? How will we ever feel safe again?
Recognizing that we are not in complete control of external events is a scary feeling, yet one that we must, as adults, face. Recognizing the truth that our plans for our future may not all be possible at this point in life is also necessary, and may sadden us.
Phases of life
Just as a child grows through various stages from birth to leaving home, adults too pass through various stages of adulthood. Erick Erickson described them as x, y, z. Unfortunately he did not describe them in great detail, but left his theories for others to expound upon.
I agree with Erickson that we go through various phases in adulthood as we move through the decades of the twenties, thirties, forties, etc. We are not the same person in each of these decades of our lives. We have different wants, needs, skills and knowledge as we move through life.
While it is easy to see that it would be an inappropriate thing for a 60-year-old woman to be sad that she could not marry, conceive a child and raise a family at that age, sometimes, we are saddened because we cannot have all the options at age 30 or 40 that we did at age 20.
Taking stock
When an external event precipitates a major change in our lives, or even an internal tidal wave of regrets or realizations of our lives makes us “sit up and take notice” of where we are on the life-time continuum, we pass through a stage where we may feel powerless over our emotions.
An encounter with a psychopath may be the precipitating external event in our lives, but it can be anything, or nothing in particular. A painful encounter, though, gives us the opportunity to take stock of where we are, where we wish to go, and who we are in the next phase of our adult lives. It is a time to truly recognize that we will not live forever, and that we are subject to the natural laws of this world, and yet, to rise above this and to find significant meaning in ourselves and in our lives.
We can use the external events to grow and refocus our lives, realizing that we do have power, complete power, over some things, and that we have no power over other things. We can live while we live, and find meaning and satisfaction in each of the stages of our lives.
Hi…. can I ask all of you for advice. I have been on the end of the smear campaign….which was directed at any and all who know me. I have not spoken to my kids in 2 years. 2 nights ago I was getting my hair done from the same woman who does all my daughters. For 2 years she has never asked what happened and I DON”T talk about it anywhere but here. So, when she asked I told her the truth. She sat there with her mouth open and it just so happens that someone in her own family is being “uncovered” 2 weeks prior as a Spath. It has the whole family in shock, and is so unbeleivabe so she believed me…..
The hard part is she said my daughter told her ” I always thought my Mother was one person, and now I found out she is the exact opposite”. Her love and respect of me which was so huge, has turned to hate and disgust.
Just hearing that has put me in a downword spiral. Because I AM the mother she always knew and loved. But, I am being made to live in the life that he has projected onto me…..he is the evil, lying, sick and crazy Spath….I was going to copy and paste the email where he is projecting that crap onto me but when I read it THAT IS HIM!! everything he says I am, is HIM! Now, he is living my life I sacrificed and work so hard to have, and i am living his sick and empty one!!
When you are the object of the smear campaign I could give a rats arse what others think of me, I KNOW who I am and what I stand for in my heart. EXCEPT FOR MY LOVED ONES. My children have been blinded. They had no idea that there were people like Spaths that would do the unthinkable and lie and smear and cry to get you to change your perception of another….. their love has turned to hate and they feel they need to protect their kids from me, rather than him!!
I pray and tell myself “one day”..but somedays, like today when I heard this, it just hurts so much!!!! The grief is so deep, as though she has died.
My daughter is not a Spath, so I will not just write any of them off. The have been targeted by this evil I brought into our home, as much as I was targeted by him. They have the same heart of empathy, and blind trust I had when I met him. They cant even comprehend there are people in the world like him. They honesltly believe his scenario of what he set-up and he played it out over several months so that when it happened it LOOKED real.
I do not blame them, I blame myself for having navigated all of them through all the years of protecting them from the boogie man to bringing him full into my home, and giving him direct access to the children.
I knew that was what she believed these past 2 years, but just HEARING that is what she is saying is a knife in my stomach. I LITERALLY feel the blade in my gut today.
I feel powerless. I refuse to vindicate myself. I have decided to not contact them and try anymore as my calls and emails are blocked. I hold my head up and work and “live” everyday but truthfully my life has been murdered and there is not one thing I can do other than live in the moment. Living, and not committing suicide or any other thing he wanted for me IS what I am doing, and it takes ever ounce of strength i have to not let the shame that others are trying to project onto me…..shame that should be on HIM, but is sent my way any time someone looks at me in this community, to not paralyze me.
It is a literal battle everyday. To FEEL paralyzed, but have to get up and walk. To know the truth of who I am, but live in the life that he created for me through his lies and sheme to destroy me.
I know others are living and walking through the same, and my heart goes out to you. I do not think there is anything more painful that to know that the very ones you love, think one way about you….but that you are the opposite…..and you watch the days roll one into another, not seeing any change or him exposed. This is such a hard life lesson!!
The spath projected EVERYTHING of him onto me, and it sickens me to know that ALL look at me as though that is who I am. I am not.
I hold my head up, but they used to say I was Mother of the Year. I dont need that, I only say it because of the life I had….. I was cleaning out a drawer this passed weekend and came across all the Mothers day cards through he years…..and now, ???? It all changed in one day, the day he determined to destroy me.
I am choosing to not be a vicitim everyday I get up when I dont want to, when I go to work, when I cut the grass and tackle all the impossible tasks that are never ending. But I now do it all alone, with no holidays or loved ones to share my life with. To do it with grace, and not become bitter is another thing that takes all my strength.
I will not become him, but it is so hard! I am not what he has convicned everyone I am. I am the opposite.
Truth, to live life to its fullest, that’s what we all need to do, whether path’d or non-path’d. One day, one hour, one minute.
I’m sorry you don’t feel strong right now. You exude strength in a very real and palpable way. It comes right out of the screen and grabs me and I’m sure others. Hey, read your own posts and inhale it. Why should we garner strength from your words and not you? You are much stronger than you think you are. Even if you are 100% certain you are trying to sound stong on “paper.” I can read right through that. You *are* strong. If not, you couldn’t have come this far.
Big strong hug. XO
Bella,
You’ve spoken before about how your spath drove you to do things that were out of character. That’s typical, they do that to us. Still, we ARE responsible for our own behavior.
I think that the dichotomy between what you have presented yourself as, your entire life and what your daughter believes you did, has shattered her illusions of you.
You can’t go back to those illusions. You are human with human frailties but she had come to know a “perfect” mother.
My own experience with my mother is similar.
She seemed to me, to be a saint. Then I found out that she was envious of me and reveled in my pain. That’s far from sainthood. I do understand that she has her OWN pain and probably CPTSD from my father’s abuse of her. But it doesn’t excuse her abuse of her kids.
The problem, for me is that I can’t forgive her because she’s not sorry. She won’t accept responsibility. She won’t stop making the choice to be envious. So I can’t trust her not to hurt me again.
I don’t know if any of that will help you. All I can offer is my own story and experience. ((hugs))
Bella, your story is awful but I agree with Skylar. Your daughter(s)? are disappointed that mom is not what they thought is/was…as Skylar said. I hope you can come to resolution. It’s such a shame and waste of a precious relationship. Only you know how to fix this. And I hope you will and that your daughter(s)-(orry I’m not sure if there is more than one) will somehow accept mom is not G-d.
Agree with you Skylar. I thought my mom was a saint too. Until I went into therapy. OMG. That was tough and still I’m on the fence at times. *Knowing* your mom envies you and causes you pain is heinous but at least you know! And you are correct, she may have reason for her crazies but it does not excuse her treatment of her children.
I would also be hard pressed to forgive her. I am so sorry you are living this. It’s tough as moms are supposed to be our rocks, then they age and we become theirs.
Big warms hugs to you both. This is not fun.
still reeling
Glad that it’s hitting the right key for you. The majority of what you wrote your seeing it pretty clear. And if nothing else you sound better. Some things we can go ahhhhh and catch it and others things can take a little time before we can wrap our brains around it. Many of these took me a long time of beating my head against hard objects.
What I’ve been writing about are the basics. We all do what we do for our own reasons. Where we can mess it up is by putting our reasons on the other person. Because they too are doing what they are doing for their reasons. And the two don’t always mesh well.
There is one thing you wrote about you that I’d like to give a different perspective on.
I don’t have all the answers. Just have what I’ve learned. Life for me became simple and easy when I made my rules [boundaries] simple and clear. Like words and deeds have to match or the words are a lie. And it was thought up long before I ever heard it. But by making it part of my beliefs they became mine.
Also had to get rid of all the emotional garbage that was theirs, not mine. We are what we think. And that garbage was me until I saw that it was theirs, not mine. Then it was no longer me. It didn’t just spill out of me. That took time. But from that point on it wasn’t me. I was at war with this other thing who thought I wasn’t good enough etc. But that was them, not me. There can be only one.
Same for the spath it’s his garbage.
“But we welcome the path because we know we can and will be punished and hurt as we throw out the red carpet for their abuse and open our hearts to only them. Hell, you can spend the entire rest of your life suffering over these people.”
From my experience most of our behaviors have good intentions tied to them. Don’t always work out that way. But we are trying to fill our needs/wants/desires as best we can. The problems we run into is the how we choose to fill those needs/wants/desires. So even if the reasons are not all good for why we get tangled up with the spath. There are some good there.
As the spath was there for his reasons. And with the spath his reasons, don’t includes the preys reasons.
“I will be the first to admit that I am of the limited mindset.” A great starting point.
“She didn’t do it to me………Don’t forget that we always have a choice. That is one of our greatest powers. We can always walk away. Or if that isn’t fast enough run.
“we suffer and they don’t” One has a conscience the other is just an a..hole.
The one thing I don’t think you see is what the technique of ripping off the emotions and thereby destroying the hold that, in this case your mother has over you. Can do. All the bad emotional memories that you keep running through your head. Arguments with your mother. Those put downs your so good at giving yourself etc. It will shorten your time on this by years. It also works for the emotional crap left over from the spath. If your still feeling love for the spath why let it stay and feel bad. It was all a lie. No reason to ponder the existence of the light blub. Even the good times were a lie. It was all based on a lie. Grip it and rip it.
Note did just see right before I was going to post this where you wrote “hard pressed to forgive her.” Understand it’s like she’d be getting off easy. But who is the winner. The one that lives as she did in never ending emotional turmoil her whole life. Or the one that did what she couldn’t do of getting “them” out. And being free. To me your better off by forgiving her and letting it go. Or forgiving her and ripping it out. Just a different way to see it.
Also will be glad when your no longer still reeling…………
My 2 Cents.
Bella, when I was married to the first exspath, I was NOT a good mother. The shit rolled downhill, so to speak, and I was not a good mother. Having said that, I spoke to both of my sons and told them that I realized that I deprived them both of many things that they needed, emotionally, and that I was horribly sorry for having been so self-absorbed.
That the hairdresser opened that can of worms is nasty business, to be sure, but it may have needed to be excised and that was the way that “fate” determined that thing to be cut out and examined.
We are not perfect, not one of us. It’s not about forgiving someone else, it’s about forgiving ourselves. Facing down the things that I did when I was being abused was ugly. It was ugly, painful, and it reeked in every way.
So………….we make mistakes and errors in judgement. So………….we learn that we don’t want to be that person, anymore.
Bella, you ARE powerless…..over everything except yourself – your soul, your choices, your decisions, your healing processes. We cannot force other people to “get it.” We just can’t. We don’t have that kind of power or control. What we CAN do is to wade through the muck of sociopathy from one side of that cesspool to the other and emerge. Yeah, it’s nasty. Yeah, it stinks. Yeah, it’s full of parasites and diseases. But, there is another side to work towards. There MUST be another side or there’s no point in waking up, anymore.
Brightest healing blessings to you, Bella
still reeling: Hi!
“the fix is the same” Yes. The book below might help in the understanding of “The path picks up on our vulnerability, emotion, compassion….”
And it has been nice talking about all this with you. And thanks for the X’s
There is a new book just out “Rewiring Your Brain For Love” by Marsha Lucas. Had a friend tell of this yesterday and downloaded it last night. So haven’t finished reading it. This might help explain why one is more susceptible to the spath then others. Plus it may go to what happens to one that goes through the “pathcrap” they become either the “insecure attachment style” or more of the “insecure attachment style” depending upon the starting point. She states that we are either “secure attachment style” 55% or “insecure attachment style” 45%. This happens in early childhood. And it can be changed.
“insecure attachment style”
“We tend to have either an ambivalent/anxious feeling about seeking comfort or closeness (we want it, but we perceive it as risky) or a desire to minimize or avoid relationships altogether.”
“Why is knowing about early attachment so important?”
“Because the style of attachment we develop in childhood is most often a lifetime deal. It drives and influences how we interact with others and how we see ourselves in relationships, and, as much as we might not like to believe this, it deeply influences the kinds of partners we attract and are attracted to. All too often, they end up being precisely what we don’t need, despite our best efforts.”
“Having an insecure attachment style isn’t the equivalent of being broken, deranged, wacko, or some other label that falls in the realm of “pathological,” but it does cause us quite a lot of pain, confusion, and unhappiness.”
“Coming to that awareness, though, wasn’t enough for Diane to break those “habits” her brain had wired up when she was a kid. Despite her intellectual understanding, and in spite of her best efforts to stop herself, the pattern kept repeating in all her relationships with men. Being really smart, putting ideas together, and other higher-level thinking strategies aren’t enough on their own to bring about lasting change in how you live your life. (That’s why reading self-help books is often so unhelpful in making lasting changes, even though they make so much sense.) You need to change the underlying wiring itself, and insight alone doesn’t do that. It can shine a light on the issue—aha!—but it doesn’t do the rewiring.”
More on this when I get through reading it. Some times this stuff just drops in your lap. Goes well good with what I was writing earlier.
Everybody enjoy the weekend
My 2 Cents
Truthspeak Hi!
My hat is off to you. “I spoke to both of my sons…” That is tough both excepting it and the doing it. Great that you where able to do it. Excepting of ourselves very important but not always fun to do. Healing can be painful but so good when we get to the other side of it. And the rest of what you wrote is priceless. Again my hat is off.
Spoon, thanks – it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Healing isn’t always warm and fuzzy and part of my healing process (in the past) has been to stand accountable for my choices and decisions – and, I’ve made some really bad ones, to be sure.
Not in the best space, today, and I’m feeling weepy all of a sudden. These cycles get so tiresome. UGH!!!
Hugs to ya, Spoon
Truthspeak
Yes the cycles are a pain but they will end. And from what you wrote and have written your headed down the right road. Only I can be responsible for what I do, for how I feel, think, the actions I choose to take……Being a grownup can suck sometimes.
A big HUG from me.