By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Wearing my “nurse Joyce hat” is part of what I am, although I am retired. Even though I am no longer in practice giving out specific medical advice to patients and billing insurance companies, Medicare and private payers for the advice, I still am inclined to look at things from a medical point of view.
One of the things I used to teach my diabetic patients about their condition was that I was the “coach” and they were the “team.” I could not get out on the field of life and play the “game” they had to do it. But if I were not a good “coach,” and didn’t teach them the “rules of the game,” they were not going to be able to play a good game. I told them that diabetes is a “do-it-yourself treatment plan.” They had to control their diet, their exercise and their use of medications in a wise way. It took all three things to successfully control the condition and prevent the side effects from literally killing their bodies, one organ at a time. In fact, lifestyle is one of the biggest things in any person’s health, not only in those with diseases like diabetes.
I have not always been a good patient myself ”¦ I have eaten too much, exercised too little, smoked cigarettes, and so on. I’ve put my needs last and others’ needs first. I am GUILTY of this, so I am not just throwing stones at someone else’s glass house. However, I have finally made a vow to make some changes in my life and my behavior, and put myself first. To make my own health a top priority.
Stress and illness
Back in 2007, during the “summer of Chaos,” I was living in my recreational vehicle with my adopted son D, hiding out on a friend’s property at a lake, while the man my son had sent to kill me was living in my mother’s home, conspiring with my daughter-in-law and my son, Patrick, to kill me, take over the family finances and ultimately to leave Patrick the sole beneficiary of the family trust. I was in such a stressed-out condition that I was a physical, emotional, mental and spiritual wreck. I scored about 1,500 points on the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, and a score of 300+ is over the top.
My immune system had almost shut down, leaving me prey to Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Though I was obviously “sick,” I was unable to realize that I had been running a continual fever for weeks, before I finally got to a physician to confirm my illness. He was very concerned about my condition and actually thought I had cancer, because my “labs” were so out of whack. Stress does a number on our immune system, and as well on our ability to think critically and make judgments that are logical.
Dealing with psychopathic attacks, and the gaslighting that goes along with them, as well as the doubts we have about whether or not we have contributed to our own downfall, or whether we are at fault for what has happened to us, the frustrations we have in trying to “mend” the relationships with the psychopaths, and the grief responses that we experience in coping with the losses of perceived loved ones ”¦ all these things do a “number” on our bodies and minds.
Care for yourself
When you fly on an airline, the cabin staff gives you instructions on what to do in the event of an emergency. They tell you that if you are with a child when an oxygen mask falls down, that you should put the mask on yourself first. The reason for this is that if you don’t take care of yourself, you cannot help others who are more helpless.
Many victims of psychopaths have small children that depend on them for emotional and financial support ”¦ and dealing with a psychopathic co-parent, poverty, loss of homes, finances, job changes, fear and frustration tend to make it difficult for the victim to focus on him or herself first! If our children are, or have been, abused, we would want to put them first because that is what a good nurturing parent does. Put the child first. If the child is sick, you stay up all night with them, depriving yourself of needed sleep, and then go to work the next day.
Well, let me suggest that you change your perspective and put yourself first before everyone. You cannot take care of your children or your job or your finances if you are not healthy. If you do not put your own health as a priority, mentally, physically, and spiritually, you cannot do an adequate job of caring for your other responsibilities.
Real danger
When the world was crashing down around my head, and my life was literally in danger from the “Trojan horse psychopath” my son had sent to kill me, I worried about my house. I worried about my shop and barn; I worried about my animals and couldn’t make the logical decision to get the hell out while I was still alive and walking. Then something shocked me out of my denial and I started to act.
I had trouble waking my son D in the mornings. I just could not get him out of bed. I became very frustrated with him. Why the heck was it taking me from 7 to 10 a.m. to get him to get up and get a cup of coffee and start the day? Well, finally I got it out of him that he had been staying up all night from midnight to daylight guarding me with a gun because he was concerned that the Trojan horse would come during the night and kill us. No wonder I couldn’t get him out of bed. He hadn’t suddenly just become lazy; he was exhausted from over 30 days of no sleep. Of course, he was putting me first! So we both decided to put ourselves first and get the heck out of Dodge. Leave the house, leave the farm, save our lives.
It was at that point that I started putting myself first. I realized that I could not guard this house 24/7 from sneak attacks, and that the house was not nearly as important as the lives of D and myself. So I decided that I needed to put myself first, not the house, not even the animals. In fact, as we snuck our essential things out of the house over a period of a few days, we left the outside animals in their kennels, vulnerable to the psychopath, because I knew as soon as they were gone, the Trojan Horse would know we were gone. The dogs went with the last load of important papers. In a week we had “disappeared.” As much as I loved my dogs, I knew that my life had to come before theirs.
Beginning recovery
Slowly over the summer, even though I was safe, the stress continued to weigh upon me, and then I got sick, which added more stress. It takes time for the effects of stress on our minds and our bodies to decrease. When I realized I was sick, I started taking care and seeing physicians. I also got EMDR therapy, and spent time on Lovefraud, which I had finally discovered. I consulted with a minister friend about my spiritual health as well. I started, for the first time in a long time, putting myself first. I was way behind the eight-ball, so my recovery did not come overnight.
When the Trojan horse and my daughter-in-law were arrested, in August, I waited a few months and moved back to the farm in the RV, though I didn’t yet feel safe moving back into my house. I literally lived in the RV, parked near the house.
Even with the worst of the danger had passed, I had not “cured” myself of either the lack of critical logical thought, or of lacking in boundary setting. Learning to put yourself first is a step-by-step process, and one that if you are anything like me, you have to learn from scratch, as you have probably never done much of it in the past.
I allowed some of the peripheral psychopaths and users in my life to move in on me ”¦ and when I caught them stealing from me, I was literally embarrassed that I had “embarrassed them!” DUH! I had to learn to set boundaries for everyone, even those people that I cared about. I confronted them and asked them to leave my farm. I set boundaries for my mother when she showed no desire to process the devaluation and discarding she had done to me when I was being attacked by my son. Then she started to lie to me and to send him money and support. I went essentially NC with her, except for necessary legal business as co-trustees of our family trust.
Mending my ways
I decided to quit smoking and to mend my ways on diet and exercise. Stepwise, I started putting myself first. If I needed rest, I let the dishes sit. Let the floor go unswept. Confronted people who were being unfair to me, even if it meant the cessation of the relationship entirely.
Having fewer “friends” who added stress to my life left more time for those people who added peace and pleasure to my life. Taking care of me ”¦ going to the doctor on a regular basis for checkups and follow ups, doing what my physician suggested, those were all things that added to my physical improvement. As I improved physically, I also improved emotionally and mentally.
When I did have something that was a stressor, such as some long-term relationships that I realized were not healthy, probably hadn’t ever been healthy, and weren’t going to get healthy because the other person wasn’t willing to make any steps in that direction, I was able to sever these relationships with a minimum of pain and stress.
When stressful “life events” occurred that were not connected to anyone being “out to get me—” like flat tires, the car conking out, my dog being lost, I was able to weather these storms much better than I did back when I was not taking care of myself.
Self-esteem
Not only did taking care of myself help me in every aspect of my life, from physical health to mental health, but my own self-esteem started to grow as well, because I was recognizing that I AM IMPORTANT TO ME. I am willing to do what it takes to make myself healthy. I matter to me.
Take stock of what you are doing to take care of yourself, and examine those areas in which you are not taking care of yourself. Don’t try to fix them all in one day, or one week, or one month, but do start to look at where you can make some progress in putting yourself first. Putting your own needs above all else. Get a medical check up, check into therapy, try to keep change to a minimum. Don’t make big changes unless absolutely necessary for your safety or security, and in those cases, where your safety and security are concerned, do whatever is necessary to ensure that you are safe!
God bless.
Oxy – you have been through so much – I am so glad you are far along the journey of healing, and willing to share the lessons you have learned with the rest of us. Thank you so much.
Thanks Donna, putting ourselves FIRST is hard to do, and especially for medical personnel…we are the worst patients in the world! LOL We neglect ourselves in taking care of others.
http://www.youareatarget.com/
They have a book titled “respect-me R·U·L·E·S.” You can read the first chapter on line. They also have it set up as a tutorial.
About the Verbal Abuse Tutorial
This tutorial is designed to provide helpful information for anyone in a distressed relationship (man or woman) who feels:
* as if your home is not a sanctuary, but more like a concentration camp.
* that you are never good enough to please your spouse.
* that you are walking on eggshells around your spouse.
* that you may eventually convince your partner that you are worthy of love and affection.
* that the rules are always changing and you won’t know it until you violate one.
* that your partner always twist things to make you wrong.
* that if you treated them like they treat you, you would have hell to pay.
* as if your partner is unrelenting in his/her criticism, annoyance, irritation, and disapproval of you.
* that you can bring out the underlying good in your partner if you can find just the right combination.
* as if your spouse is accusing you of things they are actually doing.
* you are confused about why you can never seem to get it right.
* that you want to be your partner’s best friend but they keep making you the enemy.
* as if your partner controls everything, or tries to.
* like your partner has convinced you that you are going crazy.
Saw this last week. It’s suppose to be on PBS soon. ‘Tales From a Ghetto Klown’ Documentary On John Leguizamo’s. It’s a one man show about him growing up. Which wasn’t pretty. The end of the show has him talking to his dad. And he discovers something big.
Don’t know if I should give the ending away? It’s worth seeing just for the one line. The show is great.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/08/john-leguizamo-documentary_n_1577546.html
Ox Drover
Yes we must take care of ourselves. No one else will.
My 2 Cents
Spoon,
That book is right on as far as how we feel if we live with a psychopath or other abusive person…or have any kind of relationship with someone like that.
Because we are so busy BUSY trying to placate them we don’t take care of ourselves and the stress we experience hurts us more. It is ONLY by taking care of ourselves we can regain the strength to become healthy in all ways.
I wish I could get PBS, there is a channel near us here, but for some reason my TV won’t pick it up and I do not have cable. I bought a newer bigger antenna but it still wont pick it up.
Ox Drover
I saw it on one of Dish movie channels. Just happened to run a crossed it. When I checked to see when it was playing again since I didn’t see the opening of the show. I got nothing. Checked the web and all I could find was Air Date 07/06/12 on PBS.
I can tell you about his talk with his dad. But it is a spoiler.
Also read, well listening to a seminar titled “Going Beyond Automatic Response” by Danie Beaulieu, Ph.D. a lady from Quebec. Still processing the information. But it is an eye opener. Have read a little bit about the topic before but not put as well as this. It is another level to the problems with beliefs that are part of everyone’s genetic programing of survival and how it effects us later in life. For this programing is about our survival not our well being. But it to can be retrained and that is part of growing up at least it is suppose to be but can be short circuited, lousy childhood ect.
Fight or flight
Amplify the negative
Economy Theory spare your energy.
Following the person or group that has more certitude
Perceptional Blindness – Concentrated focus on one thing an exclusion of everything else. The need to tell the story of the spath over and over.
She is working on a book that will identify 50 of these genetic programs that everyone has.
A lot more to this then what I wrote.
My 2 Cents
Something that I learned in my recovery as an adult child is that adult children often live “from the neck up.”
They disassociate from the neck down because that is the part of the body that most endures the physical and sexual abuse.
When you are a child and have no control over what is happening to you, such as what was described below at the Jerry Sandusky trial, you shut down.
It’s a survival mechanism.
http://sports.yahoo.com/news/ncaaf–jerry-sandusky-prosecution-jurors-strong-case-weekend-alleged-victims.html
As someone who was raped as an adolescent, my mind has blocked out most of what happened, but some part of me still rejects me. I know that, but it is so deeply buried that despite years of therapy and intellectually understanding what is going on, the fear and rejection are still embedded somewhere.
To a child, and this can happen even to an adult who develops a life-threatening disease, it is common to assume somehow the body betrayed the person. While that isn’t logical, it happens.
The mind rejects the body because being in touch with the body, feeling the feelings, the sensations, and becoming “upfront and personal” with all the bodily fluids etc. are illogically identified by the brain as danger areas, i.e., go there and you’ll get hurt again.
So, many abused children live “from the neck up” because they want to shut out and forget what is happening to the body below the neck.
Many times, then, not taking care of oneself is actually the mind’s frantic, distorted belief that it is protecting or taking care of itself.
If a victim believes that being physically unattractive, perhaps by poor body hygiene and/or putting on an excessive amount of weight, dressing poorly, not getting enough sleep etc., will keep the abusers at bay, he or she will create these barriers that they can hide behind and protect themselves. It is a perverse form of self-caring.
Of course, this isn’t true. Some perpetrators wouldn’t be stopped by those things.
What often does happen, though, is the victims are criticized and rejected even more, which sets off a self-perpetuating cycle of trying to escape from oneself even more, which can result in neglecting oneself further.
Then, too, there are the helpless victims who simply want to die.
Alcoholism has been identified as a “slow suicide.” Not taking care of oneself can also be a slow suicide and a cry for help and protection.
How do the abused escape the pain? By neglecting the one thing that endures it the most – their bodies.
G1S
My heart goes out to you. I hope there is a very special place in hell for these animals.
Once we dissociate some time it is difficult to re-associate with the event.
After I posted, I remembered other things that happened which would leave a child with the impression that their bodies were not worthy of attention.
When I was 14 or so, my mother told me that she thought that I had hypoglycemia and that I should get myself tested when I go to college. Why then? I did ask. Because she’d have to pay for health insurance anyway and it would save her the cost of a MD.
I remember another time when I was horribly ill. My parents had to go to a wake and there was a pediatrician’s office across the street from the funeral home so they took me there. It was the dead of winter, horribly cold with lots of snow and ice.
My temp was so high that the MD yelled at both of them right in front of me. I will never forget him tearing them apart for taking a child as sick as I was out on a night like that.
And then there was the time that she dropped me off at a Friday night ballroom dance lesson (I was in the 6th grade.) Again, it was the dead of winter, one of the coldest nights of the year, with lots of snow and ice.
All the other parents had picked up the kids. The dance teacher was itching to go. People-pleasing me said I was sure that my mother would be there at any moment and to go ahead and leave. She said she had somewhere to go or otherwise she would have stayed.
I stood and waited in the dark for I don’t know how long.
Finally, my brother showed up. He was livid. He said he had come downstairs and asked where I was. My mother did an oops-I forgot to go get her. He drove over to pick me up.
Things like that-they leave a kid thinking that there is no real reason to take care of oneself.
Oh, yeah, and the other stuff, like when you try to do something nice for yourself and get shot down with, “What makes you think you’re so special? Who do you think you are?”
The Ps do so much damage.
Not complaining, feeling depressed, or looking for sympathy. Just stating the facts because I used to really get annoyed when people assume they know why you turned out the way that you did. They have no idea.
I’m past that. I don’t have time or interest to go around correcting people. It serves me better just to do my thing and keep pushing on.
And I just want those who might have trouble doing what Oxy suggested, not understanding why it is so difficult, to think back. You got messages, but that’s all they were-messages. They are not facts.
You can change your life. Live healthfully. It will so annoy the Ps.
Oxy-thanks so much for that article and showing us all that you can live through and make it through some horrible circumstances.
I started taking your advice. I am on a diet and have been trying to work more exercise into my routine. I am in a weight loss competition at work and I am determined to be the first place woman with the highest amount lost. I am down thirty two but kept gaining and losing those last two lbs. Smoking was the big problem. I kept starting and stopping, always re-starting when the N was upsetting me. Apparently I wasn’t able to think about quitting in terms of my health, but I did it out of anger for her. I finally realized recently that she was having a good time making me twist for a year, and was actually seeing my increased smoking in response to her bad behavior. Quitting was showing her that she didn’t have power anymore, and since I show virtually no emotion or interest when I see her, I am letting her know that she doesn’t get to me anymore.
Now, if she would just move away, then it would help me stop being angry. For awhile she was planning on it and then changed her mind-DAMN!!!