By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Wearing my “nurse Joyce hat” is part of what I am, although I am retired. Even though I am no longer in practice giving out specific medical advice to patients and billing insurance companies, Medicare and private payers for the advice, I still am inclined to look at things from a medical point of view.
One of the things I used to teach my diabetic patients about their condition was that I was the “coach” and they were the “team.” I could not get out on the field of life and play the “game” they had to do it. But if I were not a good “coach,” and didn’t teach them the “rules of the game,” they were not going to be able to play a good game. I told them that diabetes is a “do-it-yourself treatment plan.” They had to control their diet, their exercise and their use of medications in a wise way. It took all three things to successfully control the condition and prevent the side effects from literally killing their bodies, one organ at a time. In fact, lifestyle is one of the biggest things in any person’s health, not only in those with diseases like diabetes.
I have not always been a good patient myself ”¦ I have eaten too much, exercised too little, smoked cigarettes, and so on. I’ve put my needs last and others’ needs first. I am GUILTY of this, so I am not just throwing stones at someone else’s glass house. However, I have finally made a vow to make some changes in my life and my behavior, and put myself first. To make my own health a top priority.
Stress and illness
Back in 2007, during the “summer of Chaos,” I was living in my recreational vehicle with my adopted son D, hiding out on a friend’s property at a lake, while the man my son had sent to kill me was living in my mother’s home, conspiring with my daughter-in-law and my son, Patrick, to kill me, take over the family finances and ultimately to leave Patrick the sole beneficiary of the family trust. I was in such a stressed-out condition that I was a physical, emotional, mental and spiritual wreck. I scored about 1,500 points on the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, and a score of 300+ is over the top.
My immune system had almost shut down, leaving me prey to Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Though I was obviously “sick,” I was unable to realize that I had been running a continual fever for weeks, before I finally got to a physician to confirm my illness. He was very concerned about my condition and actually thought I had cancer, because my “labs” were so out of whack. Stress does a number on our immune system, and as well on our ability to think critically and make judgments that are logical.
Dealing with psychopathic attacks, and the gaslighting that goes along with them, as well as the doubts we have about whether or not we have contributed to our own downfall, or whether we are at fault for what has happened to us, the frustrations we have in trying to “mend” the relationships with the psychopaths, and the grief responses that we experience in coping with the losses of perceived loved ones ”¦ all these things do a “number” on our bodies and minds.
Care for yourself
When you fly on an airline, the cabin staff gives you instructions on what to do in the event of an emergency. They tell you that if you are with a child when an oxygen mask falls down, that you should put the mask on yourself first. The reason for this is that if you don’t take care of yourself, you cannot help others who are more helpless.
Many victims of psychopaths have small children that depend on them for emotional and financial support ”¦ and dealing with a psychopathic co-parent, poverty, loss of homes, finances, job changes, fear and frustration tend to make it difficult for the victim to focus on him or herself first! If our children are, or have been, abused, we would want to put them first because that is what a good nurturing parent does. Put the child first. If the child is sick, you stay up all night with them, depriving yourself of needed sleep, and then go to work the next day.
Well, let me suggest that you change your perspective and put yourself first before everyone. You cannot take care of your children or your job or your finances if you are not healthy. If you do not put your own health as a priority, mentally, physically, and spiritually, you cannot do an adequate job of caring for your other responsibilities.
Real danger
When the world was crashing down around my head, and my life was literally in danger from the “Trojan horse psychopath” my son had sent to kill me, I worried about my house. I worried about my shop and barn; I worried about my animals and couldn’t make the logical decision to get the hell out while I was still alive and walking. Then something shocked me out of my denial and I started to act.
I had trouble waking my son D in the mornings. I just could not get him out of bed. I became very frustrated with him. Why the heck was it taking me from 7 to 10 a.m. to get him to get up and get a cup of coffee and start the day? Well, finally I got it out of him that he had been staying up all night from midnight to daylight guarding me with a gun because he was concerned that the Trojan horse would come during the night and kill us. No wonder I couldn’t get him out of bed. He hadn’t suddenly just become lazy; he was exhausted from over 30 days of no sleep. Of course, he was putting me first! So we both decided to put ourselves first and get the heck out of Dodge. Leave the house, leave the farm, save our lives.
It was at that point that I started putting myself first. I realized that I could not guard this house 24/7 from sneak attacks, and that the house was not nearly as important as the lives of D and myself. So I decided that I needed to put myself first, not the house, not even the animals. In fact, as we snuck our essential things out of the house over a period of a few days, we left the outside animals in their kennels, vulnerable to the psychopath, because I knew as soon as they were gone, the Trojan Horse would know we were gone. The dogs went with the last load of important papers. In a week we had “disappeared.” As much as I loved my dogs, I knew that my life had to come before theirs.
Beginning recovery
Slowly over the summer, even though I was safe, the stress continued to weigh upon me, and then I got sick, which added more stress. It takes time for the effects of stress on our minds and our bodies to decrease. When I realized I was sick, I started taking care and seeing physicians. I also got EMDR therapy, and spent time on Lovefraud, which I had finally discovered. I consulted with a minister friend about my spiritual health as well. I started, for the first time in a long time, putting myself first. I was way behind the eight-ball, so my recovery did not come overnight.
When the Trojan horse and my daughter-in-law were arrested, in August, I waited a few months and moved back to the farm in the RV, though I didn’t yet feel safe moving back into my house. I literally lived in the RV, parked near the house.
Even with the worst of the danger had passed, I had not “cured” myself of either the lack of critical logical thought, or of lacking in boundary setting. Learning to put yourself first is a step-by-step process, and one that if you are anything like me, you have to learn from scratch, as you have probably never done much of it in the past.
I allowed some of the peripheral psychopaths and users in my life to move in on me ”¦ and when I caught them stealing from me, I was literally embarrassed that I had “embarrassed them!” DUH! I had to learn to set boundaries for everyone, even those people that I cared about. I confronted them and asked them to leave my farm. I set boundaries for my mother when she showed no desire to process the devaluation and discarding she had done to me when I was being attacked by my son. Then she started to lie to me and to send him money and support. I went essentially NC with her, except for necessary legal business as co-trustees of our family trust.
Mending my ways
I decided to quit smoking and to mend my ways on diet and exercise. Stepwise, I started putting myself first. If I needed rest, I let the dishes sit. Let the floor go unswept. Confronted people who were being unfair to me, even if it meant the cessation of the relationship entirely.
Having fewer “friends” who added stress to my life left more time for those people who added peace and pleasure to my life. Taking care of me ”¦ going to the doctor on a regular basis for checkups and follow ups, doing what my physician suggested, those were all things that added to my physical improvement. As I improved physically, I also improved emotionally and mentally.
When I did have something that was a stressor, such as some long-term relationships that I realized were not healthy, probably hadn’t ever been healthy, and weren’t going to get healthy because the other person wasn’t willing to make any steps in that direction, I was able to sever these relationships with a minimum of pain and stress.
When stressful “life events” occurred that were not connected to anyone being “out to get me—” like flat tires, the car conking out, my dog being lost, I was able to weather these storms much better than I did back when I was not taking care of myself.
Self-esteem
Not only did taking care of myself help me in every aspect of my life, from physical health to mental health, but my own self-esteem started to grow as well, because I was recognizing that I AM IMPORTANT TO ME. I am willing to do what it takes to make myself healthy. I matter to me.
Take stock of what you are doing to take care of yourself, and examine those areas in which you are not taking care of yourself. Don’t try to fix them all in one day, or one week, or one month, but do start to look at where you can make some progress in putting yourself first. Putting your own needs above all else. Get a medical check up, check into therapy, try to keep change to a minimum. Don’t make big changes unless absolutely necessary for your safety or security, and in those cases, where your safety and security are concerned, do whatever is necessary to ensure that you are safe!
God bless.
raised by sociopath
“I’m still not the same person before these 2 relationships.”
Be thankful.
That person got you into the 2 relationships and would get you into the next one.
The person you are now doesn’t want to need the crazies.
What got you to this point is not as important as where you want to get too.
Mels new article “Reclaiming Our Power ”“ One Decision At A Time” talks of the importance of our decisions. Our outcomes. What we get [want.] Is in the decisions that we make. We are where we are because of the past decisions that we have made.
Like I said be Thankful.
My 2 Cents
G1S-speechless over your story. Amazed by your outlook on life after all that horror all thru your impressionable youth. I’m sure your humor helps, “You can change your life. Live healthfully. It will so annoy the Ps.” You go for it, girl.
Raised by a sociopath..you have provided for me an aha moment: “they aren’t picking me; I’m picking them. I didn’t know what the hell he meant. Now I’m learning that he’s right.”
So completely correct. I totally believe now that *I* chose path. Just as I chose all the rest of the inappropriate people in my life before path.
Being raised by an obsessive, narc mom and alc dad, (both also had wonderful traits, so I got a lot of good and bad), I walked right from the frying pan into the fire. It makes complete sense. My husband, passive-aggressive but a good person. Very critical, unable to be affectionate, can’t give a compliment, loves to put me down and calls it a joke, says I have no sense of humor. I brought this on.
I don’t treat him well either…find myself saying things that makes me hate myself. Find that I am selfish towards him and my daughter because I am afraid I won’t get enuf sleep or will have a panic attack. Compromise my rships with them because of those fears.
I take full responsibility for my behavior, something I did not do until therapy. Always saw myself as the victim.
Now I detest that in myself. Loved and revered my mom until I had therapy…then it changed. I still loved her but did not revere. This was in my late 20’s and I still don’t know if perhaps I was being too hard on her with that Freudian therapy.
When I was in my 20’s, I recall going to therapy (2x/wk for 7 yrs – group led by psychiatrist) and telling the group that I was talking to my mom on the phone (at the time I was a smoker) and while talking, exhaled some smoke. She asked me if I was smoking. I said I was. She chastised me. I got very angry at her. Stop running my life, no talking about what I “should” do or not do, etc. However, as pt’d out by the psych in group the next day, *I* invited it. I exhaled, then coughed, then admitted I was smoking. I supposed maybe he was wrong and he should have said, “Hey, mom, I smoke. Working on it tho. Love ya.” Taking responsibility for myself from her.
His pt, however, was deeper. He wanted me to understand that I was *looking* for her to chastise me. That I was still wanting to be the little girl. And that I was now an adult and didn’t need that. I did not get it at the time…this was many years ago. I did not want to get it.
I get it now. But it has taken a path’s abuse to get me there. He chose me because he could tell I was an already playing the abused victim role. Even tho I have tried over the last several yrs to appear strong, it came thru.
And true to my nature, I am so obsessive about not playing the victim, I am still finding balance. It may not happen during my lifetime, I am sorry to say.
I want so much from people in my life. Always have, so it’s hard to draw lines, set those boundaries with others, ask for what is mine from others. As I write even this I ask myself, “are you looking for pity, for kindness, for an uplift, for compliments, for whatever from these posters?”
Am I reaching out to them with kindness because I really mean it or because I just want to please them???????????
This is a HUGE struggle.
As Ox’s great commentary tells us, we need to take care of self first, and Ox, yes, yes, yes, you surely did have to do that to survive. I do believe in taking care of that body and mind we’ve been given. That is not selfish.
My own answer to myself about this victim thing may have to be:
1. Humor-so I’m a people-pleasing, pathetic, over-sensitive love grubber…so what.
2. Keep working on it and give others credit for seeing thru that to the good stuff you don’t believe you have. In my mind, it’s the old story…..if they only knew how I really was.
Yes, “raised by a socio” you sparked something in me today. “I chose him,” because i knew he would abuse me and I could be a victim.
I need to keep plugging. My poor daughter.
Another thing I do is to discount almost anything good that anyone says about me…in this way, even tho using a very wide brush, I am being sure that I haven’t reeled anyohe in with pity or acting pathetic. It’s also an extension of mom so it’s very very easy for me to do.
People are amazing…I amaze myself with all this hard work when I could be using it to do something good for someone. ARGH
Excellent posts – so helpful. It is also useful to remember from Donna’s book that spaths are also attracted to strong and independent women. I would place myself in that category. I have been financially independent since 17, have a good reputation in the marketplace, run my own business, was fortunate enough to be blessed with a great education with opportunities to go to university for undergrad and postgrad study etc. We all know that spaths want to destroy people they see as happy and successful. Rather like ripping off the wings of a butterfly just for the sick ‘fun’ of it.
But there was another part to the story, which I believe holds the key for me. It is that I was wounded at the time I met the spath – mourning the loss of my best friend to emigration. She was truly like a soulmate for me & we shared so much together – including her loving ‘godparenting’ of my children. I was also mourning another loss. I had been financially stressed for a while, as contracts that I expected to materialise had not done so, as a result of the global recession. For many years, it has been a source of sorrow to me that my chosen life partner has not been able to ‘spell me’ when needed and carry half of the load. My husband is a very good, kind and decent man – a million light years from the spath in every way. But he has never been very good on the provision front and the pressure has always been on me to earn the bucks. I have found this very difficult at times, especially when my children were small.
Being the predators they are, these people watch and wait until there is the slightest trace of blood in the water….when they move in like a shark. Or, to use another analogy, they wait until our ‘clockwork mouse’ mechanism starts running down & we are physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually depleted. And then they move in. It is much harder to fight off a virus when you are deplated – and what could be a worse virus than the Spath variety!! All of which simply highlights the points so many have made on the blog: that we have to look after ourselves first and be hyper vigilant to mistreatment and unacceptable behaviour in any form.
Hang in there all. I don’t think I would have stayed sane over the past while had I not had Love Fraud and its wonderful resources in my life.
Ash phoenix,
Yes, we DO have to put ourselves first and meet our own needs before we can meet the needs of anyone else (even our own children)
It is so important that we look after ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. ALL the aspects that make us truly human need to be addressed…Maslov’s pyramid is a good example and we must address the base of food, air, water, shelter and so on up the pyramid.
Keep on working at looking after your own needs and you will find I think that the rest of the world falls into place much more easily.
Ox,
Unflipping believable. You should write a book. It is a testament to the goodness in you that you have healed as much as you have.
When I was in the end stages of being with P, I was so very sick and run down all the time. P was a doctor. He smirked at my complaints. Said everyone was tired. Then he was kind enough to refer me to a doc – in the same building as him, someone he was friends with. Convenient, eh? I did go to the doc, still not seeing the manipulation and intent to spy. I wonder what conversations went on between those two.
Since being NC, I am feeling better, have improved my diet and take all sorts of supplements, even exercise once in a while. I went through a phase of ‘losing time’. I would realize I didnt really know what’d I’d been doing for the past however long, sometimes 5 minutes, sometimes much longer. I would say something to my son, and he’d say, ‘geez Mom, you JUST told me that’. I had no recollection. It happened at work a few times too. That has passed, thankfully.
I am sorry for the things you have been through, I still have trouble taking it all in, the evil and malice is so hard to grasp.
Karma,
“losing time”? yep, check on that one
That’s part of the PTSD and it made me crazy, made me feel I couldn’t count on my brain, or my grasp of what was real and what wasn’t. That’s a scary feeling. My short term memory is still not 100% but it has improved some. At least I can read, but not as fast, and can’t remember what I read as well, but at least I have improved through the years.
Between the “gaslighting” and our own “losing time” it is difficult to realize what is real and what we are imagining. Hyper-alertness, all the things that make us as “jumpy as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs” come together it seems all at once.
During that phase were we are like “rabbit on the run” we just run pell-mell like the devil is after us. At some point though we must stop and assess the situation and see what we need to do, which direction we should go in to be the safest. Putting our own health and well being FIRST is what we have to do in order to heal. It isn’t easy, and we have to do it just a bit at a time but we can do it.
It is difficult to grasp that some people can just be evil. E V I L for no reason that we can truly grasp. I don’t think we can truly understand how they FEEL any more than they can understand love and how we feel.
Ox,
I had no idea on the losing time issue. How awful for you to lose so much memory. It happened to me again today just briefly when I came out of Walmart and could not remember where I’d parked. Not the usual type of ‘oh darn, where is that car’, but a panicky feeling because I didn’t remember actually parking. Of course I found it ok. I think I’m triggering a lot due to deciding to write on this blog. I think its cathartic.
There were 2 incidences of violence in my relationship, I left after both, but was lured back. This is very hard to accept, that I willingly put myself into danger. I have a child to raise, what was I thinking? This is not the first relationship in which there was violence for me, but I left the other one immediately and pressed charges. The P I just left liked to push me around when my son was in the other room. He knew I would not alarm my boy, and he was right.
There was so much deviance of every sort, I can’t even write about it. I’ve lost track of how many times I went back, thinking this time would be different, but of course it was not. The way I let him into my head, the way my thinking changed, it makes me want to cry that I was too weak to enforce my own standards and suddenly I had no standards. Who was I? It took being abandoned when I was going through a stressful move, and being treated in a snide and callous way when I had a cancer scare (both occured around the same time) to make me end the relationship, but then I was willing to be friends! If I had a friend who behaved as I did, I would lecture her until the cows came home about how she was being manipulated and mistreated! I am an educated woman for Pete’s sake!
Anyway, it’s good to be able to vent and get validation here. I do appreciate the kindness.
I’d also like to add that during the entire bizarro relationship, I never cried. Not once. I would go into some wierd fugue state, I’ve never experienced anything like it, except once when I was told my grandmother was very ill. It’s like everything was numb, but that doesn’t really explain it either.
I suspect the P is cyber stalking me now, my bank account and several other accounts have been impacted and I feel it’s him, but still, even after getting the call from my bank, I did not cry. When we were together, I had found bank receipts from his last gf at his house but didn’t ask him about it. Wouldn’t have mattered if I did, he had an explanation for everything.
Tonight was the first time I experienced any tears. I’m hoping that’s a good sign?
Good night. 🙂
Thanks Ox – that is exactly what I am going to do. Put myself first.
I have had two more ‘aha’ moments since posting about why I was vulnerable to SP, which I thought I’d share with everyone. In addition to the previous 2 emotional issues I described (a sense of woundedness due to grief, loss/lack), there was also a third thing which made me vulnerable, namely Distraction! This is a key strategy for any conman. Here’s how it happened.
One of my clients of 4 years’ standing is a state-funded organisation, subject to strict procurement regulations with regard to recruitment/hiring/purchasing etc. I came across a flagrant abuse of these regulations and made the decision to ‘blow the whistle’. This was very stressful as it involved gathering evidence and submitting a formal complaint to the Chairman of the Board, who happens to be a businessman of some standing in his own right, who works for a large multinational corporate company. To cut a long story short, my actions were akin to throwing a grenade into a pond, because the trail led straight to a prominent Board member, who was himself involved in the corruption! His defence was to rubbish me, my reputation and my integrity. Fortunately the evidence was overwhelming and he was fired by the Board. And I was invited to lunch and thanked for my actions! So the story had a happy ending.
My attention, however, was taken up with the case for several months. It was terribly stressful, as the individuals implicated in the wrongdoing are very powerful people and could have caused a lot of trouble for me in the marketplace. So during the period of the case, I did not pay attention to what was going on right next to me – ie the spath manoevering closer and closer. Rather like a pickpocket relies on distraction to steal your purse while you are looking elsewhere! The moral of the story is therefore to Beware of being Distracted! And to be ever vigilant. There may be more than one enemy out there at the same time. Watch your backs all!