Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Alexa.”
I’d like to tell you a brief story of something that lasted nearly 3 years ALL ON SOCIAL MEDIA and the telephone. I am a 27-year-old Law Student with a Master’s Degree in Sociology and Criminology of all things and this happened to me. A raging feminist who rarely dated somehow fell helpless prey to a sociopath. This was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life and now I can see him doing it to someone else. I went to law enforcement with no avail because of the Internet and my lack of real knowledge of who he is.
It began with love bombing he friended me on Facebook and liked almost 40 pictures on Day One. Red flag went up immediately and after I told him I don’t trust men and I figured he’s a player from his overzealousness; he told me he was a law student at Emory and an alumni from University of Florida like myself. I began to take the bait ”¦ I was applying to law schools at the time. Within one month of our first interaction we were “a couple” that hadn’t even met. He asked me to be his girlfriend after sending me bouquets everyday for 5 days straight. He also sent one to my mother and chocolate covered strawberries to my younger handicapped brother, whom I had told him was my life ”¦ That action is what made me fall and I’ll never forget my stepfather telling me, “He’s a psycho or con artist.” He acted like his compassion was for battered and disadvantage women and children, which was mine. I believed in it.
Immediate cheating
Within a few weeks of me agreeing to be his girlfriend and feeling like I was on cloud nine for the first time in my life, he began to flirt with others, which I would not tolerate. I told my mother I believed he had been abused because there was no way for a man to need as much validation as he seemed to seek. He would tell me after I broke up with him that he was sexually abused by a male and he always sought validation in the form of love and sex from other females so he didn’t feel “gay,” or to help him cope with the theft of his childhood and manlyhood, as he saw it. AGAIN, I fell for this and decided to show him the love he never had. WHAT AN IDIOT I WAS!
Months would turn to years of him avoiding meeting me he called sometimes 45 times a day and he would belittle me, call me names, and threaten to kill himself if and when I left. I never knew if he was serious, and I am so naive and compassionate I couldn’t let myself feel like I was contributing to someone doing that. I stayed ”¦ through it all. He would want me to sleep on the phone with him and I often wondered how he had time to do anything. Eventually he threatened to kill me when I began making him angry by hanging up on him and ignoring him for periods of time. All the while I still “loved” him and blamed his behavior on his past.
Fake suicide
Long story short, he faked his death and disappearance multiple times, to which I felt the responsibility to help. He faked his death (as far as I know now) in May —which I fell for. I eventually attempted to overdose after his so-called “attorneys” called me during my law finals to say he left me everything. I felt immense guilt, sadness, and hopelessness. I was hospitalized and lost my semester, only to be released from the hospital and find out he was alive.
Everyday I reflect on this experience. I see visible scars from self-inflicting wounds during my overdose. I have medical bills from seeking help during the relationship because I couldn’t handle it. I see how my family was affected and my poor friends who had tried to get me to wake up. It didn’t matter how bad things got ”¦ I always went back. It took me almost dying to really see the light.
But even now I wonder “why me?” and what did he get from ruining my life practically? I know that time heals most wounds, or at least helps us move on, but no one deserves what I went through. I went from a summa cum laude honor student to leaving law to escape a man that never faced me ”¦ I live my life between fear and regret, and trying to be okay and actually make progress. I am so grateful to see clearly now. I just wonder when the anger will leave and when I will no longer feel “crazy.”
Dear Fallen one,
one of the things that has helped me the most except reading here, is to read good books. The more I read about Spaths the more I understand, but I also read alot of self help books. When I was with my Spath, I had some reactions and feelings I didn’t understand where came from. The more I read, the more I also understand myself. That also helps with my own feelings of guilt, shame, addiction, boundaries and so on. I really recommend it. When I have more understanding it’s easier for me to make the necessary changes within my self and just by doing so I’ve the last year escaped three possible spaths who has targeted me. I’ve escaped new traps and everytime I master that well, my confidence grow, I feel stronger, my integrety grows and the selfdoubt shrink. It’s been a long road and I still struggle with some things, but the results are starting to show and it becomes better and better each time. Don’t you ever give up, work through it and you will live a healthy and good life. Hang in there, we’re all in the same boat (or have been). In here you are never alone. These people have helped me the most.
As I’ve recently discussed with Stargazer, the clue is to know thy self. Know who you are and stick with it no matter what.
Fallenone, you’ve had some superb responses and where you are, right now, is “normal.”
I still have intrusive thoughts, and probably will for the rest of my life. But, I guarantee that this is true: over time, the further away from the exspath that I’ve moved, the fewer and further between those instrusive thoughts have become.
I was desperate for the shock, grief, and anger to hurry up and go away, and I often posted about it on this site. I was also engaged in strong counseling therapy, which helped me tremendously. Healing takes time and patience. And, it also takes a lot of courage and resolve.
For the next hour, if the exspath (or, his misdeeds) enter into my mind, I will “redirect” my thoughts into what I’m doing at that very moment. I’m going to take note of where my feet are placed and whether I’m wearing shoes or my feet are bare. I’m going to examine what I’m touching with my hands and fingers – is it textured, cool, warm, solid, or liquid? I’ll pay attention to the temperature of the air – is there a breeze or aroma? If necessary, I will say aloud, “My hands are in the dishwater and the soap smells pleasant. I can feel the plate beneath the dishwater and I can feel how the scrubber is removing debris from the dish.” And, so on.
I know that this may sound like ridiculous hocus pocus – it’s precisely what I believed it was when my counselor first taught me this technique! Really? Talking to mySELF is going to take this horror away? Well………yeah, it does. After a while, it really works to redirect my thoughts, especially intrusive ones.
Fallenone, you’re experiencing a type of grief and recovery that defies comprehension. Be kind to yourself and be patient. In due time, your experiences will cease being the focus of what crimes and sins you endured, and become the focus of how you will reconstruct your boundaries and address personal issues that the spath used as tools of the Spath Trade. You’re going to be okay, Fallenone. You are a valuable piece of this vast and mysterious Universe, and precious to the world. You’re going to be okay.
Brightest blessings
Sunflower i greatly admire that you manage to spot them, seems they are a lot more around than i had imagined.I read betrayal bond by dr Patric Carnes and i was shocked to see the stages he describes to face the trauma werent just stages to me they were my life.I agree that understanding oneself is the key but i am not happy with what i see so far i must say.Truthspeak yes the responces are superb indeed i couldnt imagine i would find so much support ever the moment i entered here.I dont think your techinque is ridiculous at all i used to do sth like that whenever i wanted to stop myself from crying in public like counting the red cars that would pass but never actually thought of using it for spath.I start to realise that the spath was so addictive because it felt known and comfortable the abuse i mean.my whole family are spaths.for example 5 days ago my father wanted to meet him since he lives in another town and came to mine but i had school and denied.he got hell angry started yelling told me i am a liar and a hypocrite if i wanted i could have skipped university to meet him and hasnt spoken to me since.my mother keeps calling me in random pretexts and justifies his behavior and says i am ungrateful while he cares so much for us while i hurt him and make him angry and it is my fault.
Fallenone, the most priceless thing that I learned about myself very early after the marriage ended was that all of my guilt and shame were core-based beliefs. I highly recommend reading “Healing The Shame That Binds You.” It specifically discusses addictions and how shame-core beliefs leave us open to predators, and how to begin the processes of ridding ourselves of our shame-core and replacing it with HEALTHY “Self-isms.” Self-esteem, self-worth, self-acknowledgement, self-value, etc.
I learned that I had been raised with a tremendous shame-core and that all of my actions and decisions were based upon a system of very faulty beliefs.
Knowing how I was raised and how my responses, reactions, and decisions were based was a personal epiphany. I didn’t “like” these truths, one iota. I didn’t like the healing process, at all – I still don’t. I don’t like the fact that healing is painful and grueling. In my mind, I always believed that emotional healing would be gentle and kind. Well, the truth is that it’s the furthest thing from being gentle and kind. It’s uncomfortable and daunting. But, here’s the upside to this truth: the pain, discomfort, and unpleasant feelings lead to empowerment, enlightenment, and strength.
No, I’m not the same person that I once was. I’ll never be that same person, again. And, it’s sad that I’ve become hardened and wary – I was never hard or wary, and it’s out of my zone of comfort. But, being “hard” doesn’t necessarily have to equal being “mean.” It just means that I’m no longer an easy target and that I don’t EVER have to be afraid to say, “What you’re doing is WRONG,” because speaking the truth might cause someone to disapprove of me or dislike me. Today, I don’t give two shits who likes me and who doesn’t. I don’t need anyone else’s approval or acceptance, so I don’t have to base my choices and decisions upon those ridiculous fears, anymore. Today, I can pick and choose what I will and will not tolerate. And, truth be told, I don’t tolerate ANYTHING that is even remotely toxic to me.
With this understanding and newfound knowledge, I’ve severed a number of toxic relationships with people who may not have had “an agenda,” but were wholly draining and false. Yeah, it’s not fun to cut these people out of my life, but it’s necessary for my self-protection and self-preservation.
So, this will all come in due time. It takes time, hard work, a lot of tears, a lot of anger, and a lot of resolve. You’re going to be fine.
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak i never actually thought that healing would be so hard but i believe you are right.i have many toxic relationships in my life.worst thing is i believe society is on their side i mean when i was a kid i tried many times to speak about my parents abusing me hitting me,calling me fat and ugly and that noone would ever want me and every time they were like: oh they are your parents they love you you shouldnt hate them it is unnatural.all this every time left me in deep shame until i stopped talking about it.and i want all of your opinions pls as for the first time after many years i dare to ask again: i admit i hate my parents deeply for abusing me.i tried to get them to therapy when i was younger but always left it saying it doesnt help them.is it really so unnatural and wrong to hate your abuser?
Truthspeak i download the book you recommended me and start to read RIGHT NOW!! since we all agree it is such a long road i need to do my best
Fallen one, In traumatic bonding, intermittant reinforcement is a powerful tool the abuser uses to reel you in and keep you put. That is exactly what this guy is doing to you. It is more psychologically binding than consistant reinforcement is. The fact that he provides a few crumbs of goodness, sprinkled in between the abuse and neglect, is a powerful force to be reckoned with. I’m sure you are expereincing a lot of cognitive dissonance, as well.
I used the first 3 steps of the twelve steps to get through this phase of recovery.
First you recognize your powerlessness over this addiction.
Then, you “come to believe in something” out-side yourself, that can and will restore you to sanity. (Insanity, in this case, is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.)
Third, you turn your will and your life over to the care of a higher power, or, God, or perfect love, or truth, or something, and you develope a way of life that relys on faith, you reject fear, and turn to faith in your higher-power.
I said, “please” every morning, and “thank-you” every night. I asked for strenth to get through each day, one day at a time.
People here, know that I love to interpret symbols, and one of the ways I practice this, is by reading tarot cards.
I have posted a link to the major archana cards, the devel, which means, “bondage” and to me specifically, “trama bondage” and also one to the lovers. I want you to look at the cards and notice, structurally how similar they are. There is a man and a woman with a huge figure looming over them. In the lovers card it is an angel. In the devel card it is the presence of evil.
read the descrptions.
This devil card vs. the lovers card, can be intrereted as the insanity of the cog-dis, and choosing to turn away from the devil and toward the angel, is taking the third step. Look into it. It might help a little. I think it’s profound.
Sorry, forgot to post the links.
http:/http://www.learntarot.com/maj06.htm
/www.learntarot.com/maj06.htm
Don’t think that’s right. Try this:
http://www.learntarot.com/maj06.htm
And this one:
http://www.learntarot.com/maj15.htm