Imagine you can make yourself invisible (at will) and, thereby, effectively innoculate yourself against the consequences of your violating behaviors.
This playful scenario posits a power bordering on omnipotent. You can do what you want, when you want, to whom you want, secure in the knowledge that you can get away with it.
Your invisibility effectively liberates you from the normal rules and boundaries that regulate interpersonal conduct.
Now let’s be honest”¦with this power, how many of us would use it for our own amusement, and to our own advantage?
The true answer: most of us?
Remember, I said “let’s be honest.”
None of us, of course, so far as I know, possesses this power, thank goodness”¦and let me add that, while I suspect many of us would find some temptingly interesting ways to wield it, I am not suggesting that, endowed with such superpower, most of us would use it in cruel, hurtful ways.
As a matter of fact I think that, for many of us, possessing such a power would carry a burden. I imagine, for instance, a clash ensuing—a clash between opposing forces. That is, between a first force, call it our primitive thirst for self-gratification, and a second force (and the only force with the power to keep the first in check)—our conscience (our heeding of which enables us to sleep reasonably well at night).
So what am I getting at here?
Although I’m not suggesting that sociopaths operate with a belief in their literal invisibility, many of them, I am suggesting, operate with a metaphorically comparable mindset. I call it the immunity mindset.
The immunity mindset, as I’ve implied above, is a mentality characterized especially by the audacious belief and confidence that one can transgress others with, well, immunity.
It must be a heady feeling, indeed, to harbor the conviction that you can pull off sh*t most others would simply find too risky and, more importantly, too shameful to endeavor?
By way of example, imagine that you’re on a crowded subway and are seized with the lascivious impulse to grope an unsuspecting neighbor? The non-sociopath seized with such an impulse may consider it briefly, entertain and even enjoy the fantasy, but then retires it harmlessly.
He retires it for several reasons, chief among them his fear, first of all, of being caught, and just as deterrently, because he knows that the shame that would ensue from his action would supercede, probably greatly, the gratification to be enjoyed from his exploitive act.
Shame, we know, is a powerful deterrent against antisocial behavior. And so it follows that a lack of shame is a wonderful asset to carry into an exploitative endeavor.
Sociopaths, lacking and unencumbered by shame—specifically the anxiety, self-consciousness, negative self-judgement and nervousness that accompany shame—find themselves thus freely poised to engage in exploitative behaviors from which non-sociopaths will typically desist, and to do so, moreover, with the imperturbability of supremely composed individuals.
Their lack of shame, in other words, enables their composure.
In my subway example, the sociopath will grope his neighbor because, first of all, he wants to (and sociopaths, remember, do and take what they want); furthermore, because he lacks, as noted, the anticipatory shame that typically deters most of us from “acting-out” our violating impulses; and finally (and to the heart of this column), because he is as confident as if he were invisible that he will get away with his violation.
Let us imagine, for instance, that his victim whirls around and accuses the sociopath, publicly, of groping her. The non-sociopath would find such a public accusation mortifying. The sociopath, however, just as securely as though he’d been invisible, will calmly deny the charge, or else just as calmly finger the guy standing next to him as the guilty party.
He might say, with remarkable equanimity, “I don’t know what you’re talking about”¦you’ve got the wrong guy”¦.I wasn’t even standing here”¦so it couldn’t have been me. It was that guy.”
Now what kind of world is this in which the sociopath is living?
It is a world in which others are the ultimate objects with which to jerk around, toy, menace, and entertain himself: a world in which he, the sociopath, can imagine doing pretty much anything he wants to anyone, while enjoying, if not relishing, his perceived immunity from accountability.
This is another way of suggesting that many sociopaths aren’t just playing, in fantasy, the game of imagine if you were invisible, how would you exploit your power? Effectively, they are carrying this mentality, what I call the immunity mindset, into the real world.
It is a mindset steeped in a deep, grandiose sense of omnipotence; a mindset, I would add, that leaves the sociopath feeling empowered, and at liberty, to violate others sinisterly with his strange, striking, signature lack of worry, shame and constraint.
(My use of “he” in this, and other posts, is not to suggest that females are not capable of the behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Endthepain:
If Matt said go for custody then do it. But you need to think seriously about moving from “around the corner” too. Your right, the P’s wife and the ten year old are none of your business and honestly, endthepain….THANK GOD FOR THAT!!!
Can you visualise your life in ten years with all of them still running your life???? HELL NO!!!
Get out! Move! Go for Custody! Use all of your anger and resentment energy to get these crazies out of your life once and for all!!
Hecates path – I must say you are a very gifted writer. Welcome to the club 🙁 – I look forward to hearing your story…
Endthepain:
Remember this feeling of how “disheartening and sad and pathetic” it is to feel how the P can still control your feelings by not ringing!! Do you want to feel this feeling every few weeks for the rest of your life, AND YOUR SON TOO?? Because that is what will happen if you don’t get rid of him out of your life.
Tilly.. so true..Tonight I was with my boys….I have a 10yr old son from a previous marriage and he and my 3 yr old are VERY close….my 10 yr old was talking about his dad….my 3 yr old looks at me and says….” I wish I had a nice daddy”…..sums it up pretty much dontcha think!!
I have read so many posts and am truly moved by everyones stories and outpouring of love and su[pport…so thankful I have found this site….
I have a question….I have read..and firmly believe as I have witnessed this myself…sociopaths do not care about the children…if they think it will hurt you to leave them …they will…
My S knows how much I live and love for my son…in that case..I would think he will do what he can to take him as he has threatened…not to my face…but to his wife…(when she didnt know the truth about me) how do I do the opposite and let him see his son as much as he wants knowing it will hurt me son but in fact make the socioapth go away as that is not truly what he wants..he only wants to hurt me….
Between my bouts of tears, self pity, and napping, I have checked in some today and want to say that I have been moved to tears, good ones, by the outpouring of love and support. Still playing turtle and hiding in my shell, but I’m here just less expressive. Welcome Hecate. I can tell you will be another beautifully talented addition to our club. ((hugs)) to all.
If it wasn’t for people like you all on here, I’d be in a mental institution or suffering from depression if I’m not already. It’s amazing how you all don’t have to do this but you willingly take time to help others out going through these immense crisis. And I realize that mine is low on the list of crisis at this place. Doesnt hurt any less but I do realize that.
I still spend a lot of my time in a fog but I swear the reality is sinking in and the even bigger reality is sinking in that I don’t want to face reality, if that makes sense. The fact that this girl still hasn’t taken a measly few minutes out of one day over the last 2 and a half months to talk to me just really hurts, to be made to feel that valueless in her life. I never expect her to call, but it would be nice to feel like I’m worth something to her thats all and be pleasantly surprised. Its so strange to be on the opposite side of the spectrum as most people here are trying to NC there S and I’m trying to figure a way to get through to her. I still can’t believe she just stopped talking to me tho because there just wasn’t any reason to, unless of course as everyone says and it s so fun to hear, that my usefulness was up.
I cannot deny that her cousin said that to me. I cannot deny that she sent those emails one week after I left her. I cannot deny that she only called me once or twice a week to say hi and if she ever texted they were so weak and boring like “goodnight” when it used to be “goodnight sweetheart I love you— I cannot deny that she probably cheated on me maybe more than once, and I can no longer deny that she is a disordered person and it makes me sad that she is cuz I didnt know it before. The disloyalty she has shown me even as a friend is flat out wrong. The deceit, the lies and empty promises. I re-read my letter to her saying I’m done a little while ago and that was before I knew any of this stuff about her, and it was like a sociopath checklist. I used the words deciet, benedict arnold, cold, cruel, inconsiderate, uncaring, empty promises, told her she had a screw loose, that I didn’t understand, disappointed, dumb excuses, toy with and tease me and using me, and immature among others” WOW”and yet I still think about her way too much. Talk about not understanding, that is something I dont understand. I still talk to her in my head, and I still would love for her to “wake up” (LOL) and recognize what she did and is doing and tried to make it right. I’m sure that very letter I sent her before I knew these things, the letter that I thought she’d undertand cuz she was normal prob. gave her all of the ammuntion she needs to be like “F*ck him, he sucks Im not talking to his ass again”
and to top it off, this person who hasnt shown a speck of interest in my existence, is taking up time in my day as I think of what to say to her, and when and how to say it”this is what I wrote today”after all I just posted it is f*cking embarrasing, but its like I dont even care. All I know is I miss her a lot and I very disappointed still and those emotions trump every amount of sense in my brain to not feel the way I express that I feel in this stupid ass letter. Rosa mentioned a great term the other day and it applies to me big time, its called cognitive dissonance. Sometimes I’ll write something like this and then I’ll write another one to her for myslef that has like all capital letters and blod print and it’ll say “WTF happened to your loyalty, why did you sell out on me and you dont even care that your a sell out!!”” stuff like that, and then I’ll go to somehting like this which is a joke”
what is wrong with me to still be doing this. I know its because I havent said anything to her for so long and have no feedback from her so all of these thoughts are still inside of me. Today for the first time I told myslef to put it all aside for a week and come back to it. there’s no hurry. but I dont know if I can, thoughts pop into my head so often and I just write them down to get them out so I dont know if I can stop right now cuz the thoughts dont stop. maybe ill put something up after dinner that isnt so oblivious, its like I’m stooping to her level to get through to her and it doesnt even phase me to do it”hope everyone is doing well. I realized today that my business is doing almost double the business as this time last year so that almost brought a smile to my face. I do laugh tho, stuff is funny to me again, but I’m not happy at all but I’m trying to be by reminding myself that she is a sick little girl”
—”“what a joke—”“where is my self anything?——”“how could I say this to someone who destroyed me——-and the only way I see to fix it is for her to come back instead of face it head on———
————-
Hey…
Just wanted to see how your doing…Everything with me is going great. This time apart was necessary and it’s been real good for me, it’s allowed me to focus on shit I needed to focus on, but I honestly miss you and beaner and sparky…I’m not mad at you or upset as it’s all in the past and I’m over the past and don’t want to talk about the past…f*ck the past. I made mistakes and assumptions and I apologize for that as well as whatever I did to push you away and the things I said, I hope your not mad at me. I really thought we clicked, that we were tight and you were like my best friend and I had a lot of fun with you. The only thing that I can think that got between us is you didn’t want to leave your family and especially your grandma (who I hope is doing OK) and I get that. But maybe it doesn’t have to be all or nothing that’s all. Look, you are an intelligent girl and you’ll take this info and do with it what’s best for you and I’ll respect that, but you meant a lot to me and there is nothing you can do to make me not care about you, maybe you just got sick of sharing all of your chocolate with me 🙂 I really hope things are going well for you out there. ya know, you never even said goodbye. Be cool to hear from you…
————”“
what?? smiley face’s???? WTF is my head to talk to her as if nothing ever happened (which it did but it was something)”she will read right thru it and she’ll know im still all wrapped up in her. and she still wont call me. so now im on to the idea of calling her and leaving her a voicemail saying kind of the same thing. My head is a pretzel, I still find myself trying to make sense of it all even though I know it never will”It made me sad to realize that this was a letter worthy of her responding to, it would be painless for her and its an opportunity for her just in case she actually did want to talk to me which you all say she doesnt which seems obvious. But it made me sad cuz if she didnt respond to this, then she wont respond to anything and that sucks. Things get all twisted up in my head and I deny to myself that she isn’t normal. This might work on a normal girl or maybe it wouldn’t. I want to write to her as if she’s normal. I’ve only sent one short email in the last month and a half and I haven’t mentioned being with her at all…I’ve gotten so wrapped up in this that I fail to be able to write her from strength. This letter is whiney and weak. I don’t even know how to say anything like this and not sound that way.
oh yeah, one more sentence at the end…
“It’s just the vagueness of how this all ended that leaves me wondering where your at with all this these days…”
And it’s true!! but I’m sure Oxy will come in here and say THERE IS NO VAGUENESS. SHE DOESNT GIVE A RATS ASS WHAT YOU THINK! 🙂
and she’s probably right, and I appreciate all the tough love and I have remained NC. I just don’t think I’m remaining NC for the right reason. You all say remain NC cuz she’s toxic and I think I’m remaining NC a little bit for that but more so to let some time pass cuz I looked on this stupid website about how to get your ex back a few weeks ago and it said to go NC for awhile and then contact the person coming off as upbeat and strong and indifferent. just seeing what’s up kinda thing. I doubt I seem indifferent. You guys must roll your eyes at me all the time, and I roll my eyes at myself sometimes. I havent seen this girl for 3 and a half months, havent talked to her for 2 1/2 months and “officially” broke up with her a month and a half ago. But you all know I never wanted to do that, she forced me hand. Sometimes I regret sending that letter cuz it’s like we ended on bad terms. I just get confused and I’m sure it shows. I’ll be OK if I dont get to talk to her, I truly just wonder where she’s at these days cuz I wouldn’t think that she’d hate me so much to not even care how I’m doing?
and yes, I’m prepared to get ripped apart for that letter from you guys so let it fly! 🙂
now that I think about it, what did you guys write in your letters????
You have all mentioned writing letters to your ex-S. Some of you say you sent them, others haven’t, but what did you all say?