Imagine you can make yourself invisible (at will) and, thereby, effectively innoculate yourself against the consequences of your violating behaviors.
This playful scenario posits a power bordering on omnipotent. You can do what you want, when you want, to whom you want, secure in the knowledge that you can get away with it.
Your invisibility effectively liberates you from the normal rules and boundaries that regulate interpersonal conduct.
Now let’s be honest”¦with this power, how many of us would use it for our own amusement, and to our own advantage?
The true answer: most of us?
Remember, I said “let’s be honest.”
None of us, of course, so far as I know, possesses this power, thank goodness”¦and let me add that, while I suspect many of us would find some temptingly interesting ways to wield it, I am not suggesting that, endowed with such superpower, most of us would use it in cruel, hurtful ways.
As a matter of fact I think that, for many of us, possessing such a power would carry a burden. I imagine, for instance, a clash ensuing—a clash between opposing forces. That is, between a first force, call it our primitive thirst for self-gratification, and a second force (and the only force with the power to keep the first in check)—our conscience (our heeding of which enables us to sleep reasonably well at night).
So what am I getting at here?
Although I’m not suggesting that sociopaths operate with a belief in their literal invisibility, many of them, I am suggesting, operate with a metaphorically comparable mindset. I call it the immunity mindset.
The immunity mindset, as I’ve implied above, is a mentality characterized especially by the audacious belief and confidence that one can transgress others with, well, immunity.
It must be a heady feeling, indeed, to harbor the conviction that you can pull off sh*t most others would simply find too risky and, more importantly, too shameful to endeavor?
By way of example, imagine that you’re on a crowded subway and are seized with the lascivious impulse to grope an unsuspecting neighbor? The non-sociopath seized with such an impulse may consider it briefly, entertain and even enjoy the fantasy, but then retires it harmlessly.
He retires it for several reasons, chief among them his fear, first of all, of being caught, and just as deterrently, because he knows that the shame that would ensue from his action would supercede, probably greatly, the gratification to be enjoyed from his exploitive act.
Shame, we know, is a powerful deterrent against antisocial behavior. And so it follows that a lack of shame is a wonderful asset to carry into an exploitative endeavor.
Sociopaths, lacking and unencumbered by shame—specifically the anxiety, self-consciousness, negative self-judgement and nervousness that accompany shame—find themselves thus freely poised to engage in exploitative behaviors from which non-sociopaths will typically desist, and to do so, moreover, with the imperturbability of supremely composed individuals.
Their lack of shame, in other words, enables their composure.
In my subway example, the sociopath will grope his neighbor because, first of all, he wants to (and sociopaths, remember, do and take what they want); furthermore, because he lacks, as noted, the anticipatory shame that typically deters most of us from “acting-out” our violating impulses; and finally (and to the heart of this column), because he is as confident as if he were invisible that he will get away with his violation.
Let us imagine, for instance, that his victim whirls around and accuses the sociopath, publicly, of groping her. The non-sociopath would find such a public accusation mortifying. The sociopath, however, just as securely as though he’d been invisible, will calmly deny the charge, or else just as calmly finger the guy standing next to him as the guilty party.
He might say, with remarkable equanimity, “I don’t know what you’re talking about”¦you’ve got the wrong guy”¦.I wasn’t even standing here”¦so it couldn’t have been me. It was that guy.”
Now what kind of world is this in which the sociopath is living?
It is a world in which others are the ultimate objects with which to jerk around, toy, menace, and entertain himself: a world in which he, the sociopath, can imagine doing pretty much anything he wants to anyone, while enjoying, if not relishing, his perceived immunity from accountability.
This is another way of suggesting that many sociopaths aren’t just playing, in fantasy, the game of imagine if you were invisible, how would you exploit your power? Effectively, they are carrying this mentality, what I call the immunity mindset, into the real world.
It is a mindset steeped in a deep, grandiose sense of omnipotence; a mindset, I would add, that leaves the sociopath feeling empowered, and at liberty, to violate others sinisterly with his strange, striking, signature lack of worry, shame and constraint.
(My use of “he” in this, and other posts, is not to suggest that females are not capable of the behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear Good Grief,
Yes, to all those emotions, but let me give you some information, and you may NOT want to believe it. You can control what “voices” are in your head (your self talk, not “crazy” voices)
When you find yourself thinking about her, start to sing a song, if you are not in a pklace you can sing out loud, sing the song in your mind. Something simple and snappy, even “Mary had a little lamb” or “Happy birthday”—it is impossible to think of two tbnngs at once, or for your “inner voice” to be thinkiong of two things at once. It will take some practice, but you can do it.
As for the emotions, you can control them as well. EXAMPLE: You are driving along a road and in a hurry, you get behind a very slow driving old man and you cannot pass him. You are going to be late for your appointment. You have two choices, you can sit there and be angry at him and your inner voice can say “You old cogger, move over, get out of my way, I’m in a hurry” or you can say “Well, nothing I can do about this old cogger, might as well enjoy the scenery.” Believ eit or not it works. It is HARD WORK sometimes, but it works.
You are NOT without POWER. You have GIVEN her the power to control you, TAKE IT BACK!
You haven’t said what else your X did to you besides dump you really without notice, which I admit was a sort of nasty thing to do. It obviously hurt you. As Jen said though, your posts have inidicated that you want to “control the situation” and to “win” and other power/winner issues.
Sometimes even normal people who want out of a relationship that makes them feel controled or smothered by the other party will just leave without notice, more in the line of an “escape” than a devaluation or discard.
Is it possible that with all that you did for her, helping her and so on, that you “smothered” her? That she DID care for you, as a friend, but for whatever reason wasn’t “IN love” with you, but tried to get out of the relationship that YOU wanted but she didn’t?
Years ago I was in a relationship with a guy that was MUCH more in love with me, I “loved” him, but realized I wasn’t IN love with him, and though I had been telling him that I wasn’t in love with him, he still hung on to the idea that if he was “good enough” to me, did enough for me, etc. that I would fall “IN love” with him. Looking back now, I realize I hurt him very badly when I broke it off and I was very sorry that I broke his heart, because I DID care for him.
Sometimes it is best to just CUT IT OFF all at once rather than a little at a time. Sort of like cutting a puppy dog’s tail off, it doesn’t make it any easier to cut it off once inch at a time, it hurts less to just get it done in one “swell foop!”
I do not doubt that you love her, and that you did wonderful things to help her and I don’t doubt that she dumped you pretty suddenly, but at the same time, just “dumping” someone, even without explanation, doesn’t make her a psychopath.
Some people just are not “able” (they think anyway) to confront someone and tell them, “This isn’t going to work between us” because they DREAD the tears from the other person. Just like some people are not able to “cut the puppy’s tail off” at all. They don’t want to “hurt” someone else, but they don’t really realize that they ARE hurting the other person by not TELLING THEM UP FRONT. But, at least they don’t have to see the other person’s pain, so they don’t have to face it. It is a COWARDLY thing I agree. Not a thing I endorse at all. But at least if you TELL the person who is in love with you and that you are not in love with in return, they do oget some form of closure. Your X dumping you without an up front confrontation, without an up front explination, was NOT a nice thing. It is possible though, she didn’t realize this.
At this point in time, you are very very hurt, because you loved ehr and thought that the things you did for her would make her love you in return. YOU BELIEVED she loved you in return.
OR:
there is the possibility that she is a psychopath and that she only used you to help her out because she had no one else to help her and she needed help. That she pretended to love you so that she could use you and then when she no longer “NEEDED” you, she just dumped you.
The problem is, you don’t know which one it is. You will most likely NEVER know.
My point is that it DOESN’T MATTER WHICH IS TRUE, the bottom line is that SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU and YOU CANNOT CHANGE THAT.
Whatever her reason, you gave to her and expected that she would return your love because of all you did for her. Unfortunately, sometimes no matter how much we love someone and how much we DO for them, they do NOT return our romantic love. Psychopathic or normal doesn’t make any difference we can’t DO ENOUGH to make them love us.
I think you are finally “getting it” that you can’t change the situation, you can’t change her, but you can CHANGE YOURSELF. You can heal over this, and even with the psychopaths who have abused us, it finally quits being about THEM and becomes about US—about healing ourselves.
Good luck!
That’s the thing that keeps me hanging on… The fact that you are very right and possibly she knew I didn’t deserve to be dumped and she knew her unasked for promises if marriage to me and she knew I’d be blindsided by it and she just chose to not face the music, cuz yeah, it wouldve been ugly ANC I wouldve been pissed off and hurt and other ugly emotions. But that’s what has me wondering, the vagueness, not knowing for sure whether it was me or it was moving here. If it’s me then I can’t change that, but if it’s moving here and maybe she does miss me but is too proud or doesn’t want to face the music then maybe I can fix that by that email reaching out and saying I’m not mad, I miss u, if this was the problem I understand, hope ur doing well and it’d be cool to hear from u…
All that after not contacting her of bothering her and thru my actions respecting her decision but really just reaching out to see what’s up
Dear Good Grief,
You do realize that there isn’t a “perfect letter” that will change who she is or how she feels?
You keep trying to come up with the right words to CHANGE the situation. And there are none. You can’t change someone.
The time has come to really take a LONG LOOK at yourself.
Do you want CLOSURE with this girl or is it CONTROL with this girl that you want?
Your relationship involved alot of you “rescuing her and taking care” of her….Is that a role you often take in your relationships with women?
Have you ever reacted to a breakup of a PREVIOUS relationship, like you are reacting to this one? Have you ever been this obsessed after a break up?
These are all questions you need to ask yourself…And you have got to realize that you are NOT GOING TO GET WHAT YOU WANT.
If you want closure she isn’t going to give it. If you want control, you have lost it, and it is SOMETHING for you to work on for your next relationship. If you are “picking” damsels in distress to “rescue” (first) and “control” (later), this is how these relationships often end up. So this is something you really need to take a LOOK at within yourself.
Your perception of this relationship is not her perception. That is the bottom line. She is done and you are left feeling hurt.
It is time for you to FOCUS on that pain you feel and FORGET about her. She might have inflicted that pain but YOU are the one that has to HEAL your pain. If you continue to focus on its “all about her” then you will continue to wallow in this pain.
Your “motive” here is to get this girl to give you what you want….And the truth is should be no underlying MOTIVE in a healthy relationship.
Her MOTIVE was to take what you had to give and then REJECT you. Does that sound healthy to you?
Now your MOTIVE is to get her back at any cost by manipulating her through the “perfect” letter, voice mail, text.
Does that sound healthy to you?
I agree with Oxy. At some point this has to STOP….It isn’t about her anymore it has to be about you now.
Good Grief,
OMG…..There is NOTHING vague ABOUT what she did.
What she did speaks VOLUMES and you my friend have got to take a long hard look at that.
You have given her excuse after excuse and it is time to STOP.
“That’s the thing that keeps me hanging on”
Your quote….The only thing that keeps you hanging on is that you keep HANGING ON….She is NOT SENDING YOU A MIXED MESSAGE.
Her message is loud and clear.
One of the many things that you continue to ignore here is your own FEAR.
In your heart you know she isn’t going to respond to your letter, your text or your phone call. You KNOW how she treated the LAST guy. And I think you KNOW that is how she will treat you. IGNORING….
You don’t want to hire a PI, because you already know what the result of that will be.
There is a difference in the “fog” that someone like herself has created in your life and the “fantasy” that you YOURSELF are creating now. The fog is lifting, now it is time to get down to business and start the healing journey. ONLY YOU can do that for yourself. YOU deserve that.
Dear Good grief,
It isn’t about the fact that you “didn’t deserve to be dumped” the fact is that SHE DID DUMP YOU. Her motive in dumping you is NOT IMPORTANT AT THIS POINT. The point is that she DID DUMP you.
I agree with Tilly, it is time for you to start working on YOUR situation, and look at what happened in the relationship with YOU. Answer those questions—you don’t have to answer them to US, but answer them to YOURSELF.
Everyone here eventually gets to the point, IF THEY STAY ON THE ROAD TOWARD HEALING, that they realize it (healing) is NOT about THEM, but about US.
If the person was an abuser, then WHY did we STAY and STAY and STAY?
I’m not sure, like I said in my post above, that your X is an abuser. All you have said so far was that she dumped you without much notice, and with lots of EXCUSES…and those excuses are NOT necessarily from a psychopath. A woman who just didn’t love you, and “didn’t want to hurt your feelings” or felt “smothered” (controlled?) might have said those things.
Were you controlling with her? Did you, as you stated in some of your posts “rescue” her and then want her to be “grateful” to you by “loving” you and letting you control her?
Looking HONESTLY at OUR part in the relationship is what allows us to heal. Even if our X’s were the WORST kind of abuser, we still stayed around and let them abuse us, hoping that they would change.
In your case, unless you can tell us some evidence that shows she ABUSED you while the relationship was going on, then I can’t label your X a psychopath. Maybe she “took advantage” of you in that she pretended to care more about you than she did in order to get you to do things for her, but sometimes people who are in a BIND will grab at any straw in order to keep from sinking.
But her motive DOES NOT MATTER, she has discarded you, she does not want you or she would be with you. Accepting that there is NOTHING you can do to change that, and that the ONLY person you can change is YOU, is painful, but it is the first step in getting better.
No one OWES US love for whatever we have done for them.
SRS – Severe Rejection Sensitivity – I am at 14 months no contact and I still half ass look down the road when I hear a vehicle, maybe thats him…took me along time to accept that I was used, but i volunteered to be his victim. All the fact’s are here in front of me, i got involved with a bad person that lied and promised me the moon. I was a stepping stone for him. Helped him so much and he when I had done all I could, he knocked me down and stepped on by back to get to the next best thing. They leave a big hole in your heart, and we will never forget the pain, but at least I know how to avoid it in the future…
GoodGrief:
“now that I think about it, what did you guys write in your letters?”
Believe me, Good Grief. You have already covered it in YOUR letters! No need to even go there.
When it comes to letter-writing, you have definitely “SKINNED THAT CAT” 1000 times. In fact, the cat has NO SKIN LEFT! The cat is SKINLESS!
rejection is a powerful painful emotion that can be confused as love. In the 3 years I was with him he rejected me and i rejected him countless times, it hurt and we kept taking each other back but we were not good for each other, I really dont think there was love at all, just the hope of it on my part. If anything I feel disapointed and cheated and pissed at myself for staying in that cage with him for so long.
Good Grief,
Are you asking yourself the questions? ALL the questions are about YOU. There should be no she, her, or anything else in referance to a female in these questions your asking yourself right now.
In AA they call this taking an inventory of yourself. Take one, if your honest, you might have yourself an “ah ha” moment?
Is this about ego, fear, rejection, addiction, (obsession can be considered addicting) control, rescuing, then later being the victim?
Do this on paper INSTEAD of writting YET another letter and as thoughts come to you write them down on your inventory sheet.
Henry:
“rejection is a powerful painful emotion that can be confused as love.”
Yes! Especially when your abuser is feeding you crap like “love hurts sometimes” and “you have to go through the bad times to get to the good times”, and “hang in there” (as if things are ever going to change).