Imagine you can make yourself invisible (at will) and, thereby, effectively innoculate yourself against the consequences of your violating behaviors.
This playful scenario posits a power bordering on omnipotent. You can do what you want, when you want, to whom you want, secure in the knowledge that you can get away with it.
Your invisibility effectively liberates you from the normal rules and boundaries that regulate interpersonal conduct.
Now let’s be honest”¦with this power, how many of us would use it for our own amusement, and to our own advantage?
The true answer: most of us?
Remember, I said “let’s be honest.”
None of us, of course, so far as I know, possesses this power, thank goodness”¦and let me add that, while I suspect many of us would find some temptingly interesting ways to wield it, I am not suggesting that, endowed with such superpower, most of us would use it in cruel, hurtful ways.
As a matter of fact I think that, for many of us, possessing such a power would carry a burden. I imagine, for instance, a clash ensuing—a clash between opposing forces. That is, between a first force, call it our primitive thirst for self-gratification, and a second force (and the only force with the power to keep the first in check)—our conscience (our heeding of which enables us to sleep reasonably well at night).
So what am I getting at here?
Although I’m not suggesting that sociopaths operate with a belief in their literal invisibility, many of them, I am suggesting, operate with a metaphorically comparable mindset. I call it the immunity mindset.
The immunity mindset, as I’ve implied above, is a mentality characterized especially by the audacious belief and confidence that one can transgress others with, well, immunity.
It must be a heady feeling, indeed, to harbor the conviction that you can pull off sh*t most others would simply find too risky and, more importantly, too shameful to endeavor?
By way of example, imagine that you’re on a crowded subway and are seized with the lascivious impulse to grope an unsuspecting neighbor? The non-sociopath seized with such an impulse may consider it briefly, entertain and even enjoy the fantasy, but then retires it harmlessly.
He retires it for several reasons, chief among them his fear, first of all, of being caught, and just as deterrently, because he knows that the shame that would ensue from his action would supercede, probably greatly, the gratification to be enjoyed from his exploitive act.
Shame, we know, is a powerful deterrent against antisocial behavior. And so it follows that a lack of shame is a wonderful asset to carry into an exploitative endeavor.
Sociopaths, lacking and unencumbered by shame—specifically the anxiety, self-consciousness, negative self-judgement and nervousness that accompany shame—find themselves thus freely poised to engage in exploitative behaviors from which non-sociopaths will typically desist, and to do so, moreover, with the imperturbability of supremely composed individuals.
Their lack of shame, in other words, enables their composure.
In my subway example, the sociopath will grope his neighbor because, first of all, he wants to (and sociopaths, remember, do and take what they want); furthermore, because he lacks, as noted, the anticipatory shame that typically deters most of us from “acting-out” our violating impulses; and finally (and to the heart of this column), because he is as confident as if he were invisible that he will get away with his violation.
Let us imagine, for instance, that his victim whirls around and accuses the sociopath, publicly, of groping her. The non-sociopath would find such a public accusation mortifying. The sociopath, however, just as securely as though he’d been invisible, will calmly deny the charge, or else just as calmly finger the guy standing next to him as the guilty party.
He might say, with remarkable equanimity, “I don’t know what you’re talking about”¦you’ve got the wrong guy”¦.I wasn’t even standing here”¦so it couldn’t have been me. It was that guy.”
Now what kind of world is this in which the sociopath is living?
It is a world in which others are the ultimate objects with which to jerk around, toy, menace, and entertain himself: a world in which he, the sociopath, can imagine doing pretty much anything he wants to anyone, while enjoying, if not relishing, his perceived immunity from accountability.
This is another way of suggesting that many sociopaths aren’t just playing, in fantasy, the game of imagine if you were invisible, how would you exploit your power? Effectively, they are carrying this mentality, what I call the immunity mindset, into the real world.
It is a mindset steeped in a deep, grandiose sense of omnipotence; a mindset, I would add, that leaves the sociopath feeling empowered, and at liberty, to violate others sinisterly with his strange, striking, signature lack of worry, shame and constraint.
(My use of “he” in this, and other posts, is not to suggest that females are not capable of the behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
housie
Good Afternoon LF all,
Have missed all of you precious souls – Life has been filled with helping Mom paint her chicken shed, to son moving out on his own, etc. It has been wonderful to visit and see where some of you have been on your journey.
I thank God every day for the progress I have made, and for the fact that even though I will never be the same, I am moving forward to a better place.
It seems the farther away I get from the Psychopathic maneuver, and the more safe I feel, I glance back (NEVER STARE), and see what a terrifying nightmare I was in for the 25 years I was with him, and the 17 years I was stuck in the most horrendous trauma bonding imaginable. I can feel the trauma – almost like a place that is still frozen, because if it thaws all at once it would kill me. Like many others of my dear friends on here, I feel as if my soul has been raped and tossed to the side of the road for the vultures to devour. I believe the glancing back is helping me to process what REALLY happened to me, and it is so healing to share my story, a few pieces at a time. That is all I can digest at once. Some days I can move through my day with only the trauma feeling in the background, and others I must sit with it and feel it. It is then, like today, that I must write and process.
OXDROVER, I have found a woman with excellent credentials, who will be using EMDR with me. My daughter has had excellent results, and you spoke of the benefits of it for you as well.
Rosa
Housie:
“I feel as if my soul has been raped and tossed to the side of the road..”
Have you ever seen the movie, “The Accused” starring Jodie Foster?
In the movie, Jodi Foster gets gang raped in a bar and each guy takes a turn while the other guys stand around laughing & chanting.
That is exactly how I felt ON AN EMOTIONAL LEVEL by the end of my ordeal, too.
I felt like somebody worked me over good, even though no one actually laid a hand on me.
It was the worst feeling in the world.
endthepain
Matt….quick question..my ex conveniently moved out of state when I had my son…..he did not see him for 2 1/2 yrs…he has since been back to the state I live in and as I said..attempted to bond for 3 months..remianed in this state for another month with no contact and has since been back several times and has seen him once…what can be done if he tries to state he wants the relationship and didnt have it as he was residing in another state..would that grant him and easy out, so to speak or excuse as to his horrible negligence?
witsend
Oxy,
I think it is a GOOD checklist. I think there is ONE more important one to add that usually “adds up” to trouble.
8) No one who wants to “rush me” into something outside of my comfort zone. Regardless if it be rushing into, sex, moving in together, marriage, borrowing money etc.
Many of these things represent a certain commitment to that person, or you feel they have a type of “hold” on you if they owe you money and you have to “stick around” until they pay you back. ALL RED FLAGS in my book.
And it seems the toxic ones are always the ones who are moving to fast…….
Even if they are not an S/P/N. Alcoholics, addicts, and just plain old loosers, always seem to be in a “hurry” to snag you one way or the other…
Matt
endthepain:
The facts cut both ways. The fact that he was out of state does not excuse his neglect of a child, although a judge who is so disposed could take the position that since S is “trying” to have a relationship now, that you should see how that plays out.
Personally, I wouldn’t even go near what he is or isn’t doing relationship-wise. Think dollars and cents, girl. Dollars and cents.
Your position is as follows: (A) Today, you are going to fight his request for a reduction in child support — what does he think you have to pay the bills? A money tree? (B) On a going-forward basis, for the next 15 years he should expect — every time he gets a pay raise, every time he marries a wife who works and has assets, every time something results in an improvement in his circumstances — your are going to haul him into court for an increase in support — and that is a promise; and (C) One time offer — Good only today — He must agree — in open court — to surrender his parental rights today and never come near your son or you again, and you, in return, will release him from all past, present and future support. obligations.
That’s it. Plain and simple. Do you have an attorney working for you on this? If so, give him the particulars of this and tell him what you want. If not? Lay it out for your S before you go into court. And make it clear that once you enter that courtroom, your offer is off the table.
endthepain
Another question..can visitation be denied if the noncustodial is behind in child support for over 7 months..and is living comfortably…not working and not showing any concern or well being for his son? can it be stated that once he pays some support THEN he could see his son…also what if during the times he had his son..he was speaking negatively about the mother in his presence while speaking to other women??? also I believe he is doing drugs and popping pills altho he denied …can that be brought up..drug testing?? Im trying to pull things together..Im pushing for the full support and back pay and for him to GET A JOB…
endthepain
matt..I posted the above before I read your response..trying to keep it dollars and sense..dollars and sense..no I dont have an attorney…
jfog1
Hi everyone,
Great post, Steve.
I just came back from the mediation with my (S). Before I tell
you about that, I will tell you that he started emailing me a
couple of weeks before the mediation, writing that he missed
me, etc.. I knew that he was just trying to soften me up so
that I wouldn’t want too much from him. He even hinted that
he needed me to take care of him after having spine surgery
this summer. He had no attorney at the mediation, even
though I and the mediator advised him to have one present.
Now for the shocker. My attorney told the mediator that (K)
had tried to swindle money from me and my elderly parents,
had lied about his education, both to me and his employer,
had been involved with other women during our relationship
and had even emailed an ex-girlfriend a love letter on our
wedding night. He also brought up the fact that my house
was about to be sold due to foreclosure, because (K) had not
made any payments since I left and prevented me from
having any access to the mortgage account. He also had not
followed the pre-nuptial agreement and had stolen several
things from me.
When it was (K’s) turn to speak, he said that I used him and
that I had wanted a very expensive home, promising that my
parents would pay off the mortgage, that I lied about that, and
that I didn’t contribute anything and that he was stuck
with all of the expenses. He also said that I had no intention
of moving there and that when I did come, I did nothing
except talk to my sons, my ex, and my parents on the phone.
He claimed that I was the reason for all of the problems and
thant I used him!
The problem for him was that I had documentation for
everything that the attorney brought up, and (K) had none,
because nothing he said was valid.
My attorney made him send the necessary papers to halt the
sale of the house so that I could try to get the mortgage in
name. The deed is now in my name, and James, you were
right about leaverage, we had to use the fraudulent degree
to get him to pay me back for the back payments.
We have a back up plan if he does not comply. Even after
all of this, (K) says that to “his dying day” he never did the
things that he was accused of, especially emailing his
ex-girlfriend on our wedding night. He is in complete denial
about his wrong doings, even though we have the emails,
the documents from the private investigator, etc..
He now says that it doesn’t matter anymore, that he is “done”
with me.
He still thinks that he has done nothing wrong and that
everyone else is just out to get him.
I do owe my attorney an apology for getting upset with him
before, because he was very effective on Thursday.
Sorry to have gone on so long, I just had to write about how
even when they are caught, the Sociopath blames everyone
but themselves, and I am sure that they are thinking about
their next victim.
Matt
endthepain:
You’ve got to be careful and separate the issues. The issues, as I understand them are:
1. Child support.
2. Visitation.
3. Drug testing.
4. Behavioral controls.
Child Support. You want full support. However, he already isn’t paying child support at this stage of the game. Do you really want to playing HIS game for the next 15 years? If he runs across state lines, do you have the resources to chase him down for support? Even if he stays in your state, you wll be chasing him. ‘
You say you want him gone, so that means you also have to do a “costs versus benefits” analysis. That means, what is it worth to have him gone versus what is it worth to have the money and not have him gone. Because the sad fact is, if you want him to pay, he will continue to play with you and your son. If you want him gone, the termination of parental rights for financial freedom is the way to go.
Visitation. You can try to leverage back support and visitation, but good luck. If courts think there is any chance of a father-son bond, they will do their damndest to try to foster it. That’s why I encourag the termination.
Drug testing. If you have evidence that he is using while he has your son in his custody, bring it to the judge. You can ask the judge to impose testing, for what good it does. Problem is, any addict with half a brain knows how to beat the tests — especially if they are scheduled, as opposed to random. And even if they are random, they can be beat — as proven by my S who managed to beat the tests — and he was going though probation.
Behavioral controls. Not talking about you. Not having his girlfriend present. All these things can be ordered by the court. Problem is, unless visitation is supervised, almost impossible to monitor.
YOu can do this without a lawyer. Most people going into family court go without lawyers. YOu just need to be really, really clear on exactly what you want.
James
jfog1
Thanks so much for fulling us in. There isn’t always a good ending so it great whenever I get the chance to read one. So thanks again from the bottom of my heart!
Coming to meet without a mediator! Not a very bright person or was it maybe because he thought it could do it better then one he would hire???