Imagine you can make yourself invisible (at will) and, thereby, effectively innoculate yourself against the consequences of your violating behaviors.
This playful scenario posits a power bordering on omnipotent. You can do what you want, when you want, to whom you want, secure in the knowledge that you can get away with it.
Your invisibility effectively liberates you from the normal rules and boundaries that regulate interpersonal conduct.
Now let’s be honest”¦with this power, how many of us would use it for our own amusement, and to our own advantage?
The true answer: most of us?
Remember, I said “let’s be honest.”
None of us, of course, so far as I know, possesses this power, thank goodness”¦and let me add that, while I suspect many of us would find some temptingly interesting ways to wield it, I am not suggesting that, endowed with such superpower, most of us would use it in cruel, hurtful ways.
As a matter of fact I think that, for many of us, possessing such a power would carry a burden. I imagine, for instance, a clash ensuing—a clash between opposing forces. That is, between a first force, call it our primitive thirst for self-gratification, and a second force (and the only force with the power to keep the first in check)—our conscience (our heeding of which enables us to sleep reasonably well at night).
So what am I getting at here?
Although I’m not suggesting that sociopaths operate with a belief in their literal invisibility, many of them, I am suggesting, operate with a metaphorically comparable mindset. I call it the immunity mindset.
The immunity mindset, as I’ve implied above, is a mentality characterized especially by the audacious belief and confidence that one can transgress others with, well, immunity.
It must be a heady feeling, indeed, to harbor the conviction that you can pull off sh*t most others would simply find too risky and, more importantly, too shameful to endeavor?
By way of example, imagine that you’re on a crowded subway and are seized with the lascivious impulse to grope an unsuspecting neighbor? The non-sociopath seized with such an impulse may consider it briefly, entertain and even enjoy the fantasy, but then retires it harmlessly.
He retires it for several reasons, chief among them his fear, first of all, of being caught, and just as deterrently, because he knows that the shame that would ensue from his action would supercede, probably greatly, the gratification to be enjoyed from his exploitive act.
Shame, we know, is a powerful deterrent against antisocial behavior. And so it follows that a lack of shame is a wonderful asset to carry into an exploitative endeavor.
Sociopaths, lacking and unencumbered by shame—specifically the anxiety, self-consciousness, negative self-judgement and nervousness that accompany shame—find themselves thus freely poised to engage in exploitative behaviors from which non-sociopaths will typically desist, and to do so, moreover, with the imperturbability of supremely composed individuals.
Their lack of shame, in other words, enables their composure.
In my subway example, the sociopath will grope his neighbor because, first of all, he wants to (and sociopaths, remember, do and take what they want); furthermore, because he lacks, as noted, the anticipatory shame that typically deters most of us from “acting-out” our violating impulses; and finally (and to the heart of this column), because he is as confident as if he were invisible that he will get away with his violation.
Let us imagine, for instance, that his victim whirls around and accuses the sociopath, publicly, of groping her. The non-sociopath would find such a public accusation mortifying. The sociopath, however, just as securely as though he’d been invisible, will calmly deny the charge, or else just as calmly finger the guy standing next to him as the guilty party.
He might say, with remarkable equanimity, “I don’t know what you’re talking about”¦you’ve got the wrong guy”¦.I wasn’t even standing here”¦so it couldn’t have been me. It was that guy.”
Now what kind of world is this in which the sociopath is living?
It is a world in which others are the ultimate objects with which to jerk around, toy, menace, and entertain himself: a world in which he, the sociopath, can imagine doing pretty much anything he wants to anyone, while enjoying, if not relishing, his perceived immunity from accountability.
This is another way of suggesting that many sociopaths aren’t just playing, in fantasy, the game of imagine if you were invisible, how would you exploit your power? Effectively, they are carrying this mentality, what I call the immunity mindset, into the real world.
It is a mindset steeped in a deep, grandiose sense of omnipotence; a mindset, I would add, that leaves the sociopath feeling empowered, and at liberty, to violate others sinisterly with his strange, striking, signature lack of worry, shame and constraint.
(My use of “he” in this, and other posts, is not to suggest that females are not capable of the behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
All I can say is one phone call that I wrote as a letter first and read into an answering machine plus reaching out to a child who unblocked her Dad’s private unlisted number to call me got me a restraining order, could cost me my nursing license if it is upheld in court come June 9th, is costing me 1100 dollars for legal defense, and GG thinks he’s got hurt and wants answers. Almost 10 wasted years to be devalued, discarded, and deleted when future wife number 6 made her appearance and kindly replaced me. Yep it sucks. Hurts like HELL! I have spent the whole weekend crying and sick with myself and the state of my life. But now I know what lengths he will go to, the extent of the lies he will tell, all because he can because he wants control and he wants to win by destroying everything that I have worked for. Wasn’t enough to break my heart, now he wants to destroy my reputation, my career, my future. GG thinks she might be an S, but hey I love her so I’ll offer her another go at me. Stupid man! Run from this! Count yourself blessed that she is gone. She either is weak and hates confrontation and long sad goodbyes, or she used you, or you freaked her out it some way. Doesn’t matter. Even if she was a normal girl there is too much angst on your part to make a good stable relationship happen ever again with her. So fantasy time is over. Pick up the pieces and move on. Or just pick up the phone and make the call already. Man up and make a move or move on. There is no wrong or right thing to say. Speak your heart. If she loves you, it will work. If she doesn’t, nothing said or unsaid matters. But I think you know the truth and that is what you fear and why you are searching for approval and perfection in prose. CRY CRY CRY. It will help far more than letter writing and posting here will.
all of you are absolutely amazing individuals!!
As far as being alone…I think that is the best gift ANYONE can have..when you are comfortable being alone..you can focus on yourself..become comfortable with your weaknesses and learn to draw on your own strengths…become comfortable in your own skin….being alone is a far cry from being lonely….after you learn to NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY..which is a long and hard road..and you learn that the rejection is actually a projection….then being alone to find yourself can most definitely be viewed as the gift it should be : )
JOY..my heart goes out to you…((hugs))….Im so sorry for your pain and suffering!
Rune,
Thank you for your 6:08 post! This was starting to feel like a nightmare game of monopoly. I know that patience is not one of my strong points, & I was beginning to think the GG was only bothering me. I think that everyone tried to offer up sound advice. That’s all we can do.
Sstiles: Y’know, most of us are here because we spent a lot of time “helping,” and pleasing, and “trying to understand” someone who had “been victimized” at some point in his/her life, and who also “RIGHTFULLY” had control issues.
I may be a little slow to see the red flags, but I’m not color-blind, and I was starting to feel like someone was only here to get narcissistic supply.
If we can recognize it and call it out when it shows up in other places, we’ll be better at recognizing it in our up-close personal lives.
I’m always ready to give the benefit of the doubt, until I’m certain far beyond the shadow of a doubt.
If I’m wrong, I’m sure we’ll see growth, change, and a willingness to care about others from our “advice addict.” If change doesn’t happen, then I’m betting I called the right shot.
S-Chic: Hoist a strawberry for me! These are the lovely sins we can indulge when we’re “alone, but not lonely.” (Did you eat the ice cream out of the carton? Don’t tell anyone, but I think Ben & Jerry’s tastes best that way. If it’s Godiva, I’ll put it in a small crystal bowl, one that I bought at an estate sale!)
Joy: You need some attention. You broke some “rules,” jumped a fence, and you got connection with your child. You may have had to do all of that to help clear a path for justice to occur.
Is there anything you need now, other than being acknowledged?
Hugs to you.
Dear Stiles,
Because we have been INvalidated by those that we hoped and thought might see th epain we were/are in, we tend on this blog to ACCEPT PEOPLE AT FACE VALUE, if they say they are in pain, we accept that they ARE in pain and the “reason” they are in pain we believe is the reason they say it is.
However, as the stories “unfold” sometimes we can see dysfunction there as well as the pain.
Even the Ns and Ps feel the “Narcissistic injury” when they are “abandoned” (i.e. we go NC) and they are furious about their “injury” and of course it is ALL the fault of the other person. Many times the full blown Ps themselves paint themselves as “victims”—I know my P-son paints himself (as he sits in his prison cell for murder of which he even admits he is guilty of, and actually PROUD of) that he is the victim of his horrible mother who wants to keep in him prison forever! Oh, boo hoo.
Well, if he was on LF posting, I bet his story would bring TEARS TO YOUR EYES and you would paint me as the Wicked witch of the West! To hear him tell it he has done so much for me and i did not appreciate it at all. He told me how to spend my money (send it to him) my time (do this for him, do that for him) and how to even WRITE MY WILL!@.......!!! My gosh, how that boy worked hard for me! And I didn’t appreciate it at all. Of course he was a bit controling because I did NEED his telling me how to run my life and that it was time for me to “get over” all the grief so I could get on with doing things for HIM.
So sometimes, on the internet, even here on LF, not everything is how it appears at first glance….as you get to “know” someone better, you start to see the “real them” emerge. Ps are sometiems like that too, they actually TELL you what is going on with them, but usually in real life we are so “in love with” and “trusting” with them that we ignore these RED FLAGS.
Sometimes on teh internet and especially in a place were we do tend to accept people at face value, our GUT INSTINCTS start to say “WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?”
At elast with the printed words on a screen, you can go back and say “did he say that?”
Though I occasionally come out with the “cyber skillet” and BOINK people because I do care! It is with love and caring, and not anger or malice. And so far no one has ever taken offense at my “BOINKING” because mos tpeople who have been on here a while know who and what I am and that I DO CARE.
Sometimes though, things bother me too, and I wonder if I am the ONLY one that they bother, like you said you felt. Yet we all I think “live in fear” of someone’s feelings being hurt. I think in a way that is the way I at least lived around my egg donor and my P-son….I knew something was wrong but I was afraid to confront it head on and say WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?
I’m working very hard not to be “judgmental” about people’s problems or feel “better than” or “smarter than” because I have been tyhrough that stage where I did feel superior to the women at th eDV shelter, because I would not let my husband or BF hit me, but I was hypocritical, because I WAS letting my son and my egg donor manipulate and use me. DUH! So I also live in a “glass house” and hesitate to “throw stones.”
ONly once on LF did someone “go off on ” me and I almost left LF because of her attack on my “motives” and my honesty, and I actually had not done or said anything nasty. fortunately that situation resolved itself and the “nut case” woman left here, not me. I am glad I didn’t let her run me off. I also do NOT ever want to “run off” anyone else because I know how good this place is and how caring 99.9999% of the people here are. I’m here because I still get support and healing and I want others to get the support and healing and advice that they need and deserve here too.
It is the MANY voices here that make LF what it is. Each of us sees a situation a bit differently than the next guy/gal and we get such a wide range of support and caring and ideas. That’s to me what makes it so good.
Sometimes I feel like we are all sitting in a big room and having a group therapy session. But sometimes even in a therapy session someone isn’t ready to accept reality, no matter how many times it is presented in different words. If that one person hijacks the entire session, the others in the group don’t get their fair share of time and healing.
I think too, that a good lesson is learned by us all when we realize that not every victim is ready for the truth at this time, theya re in a “pre-contemplative stage” (I love that higher-ed word, it means “haven’t thought of it yet” LOL ROTFLMAO) We were all in that stage once upon a time.
I rermember when I couldn’t accept that my egg donor would lie to me, or that she was acting like a psychopath—I just couldn’t accept it and a blogger on another site hit me with my own “cyber skillet” and said “WAKE UP OXY!” I did, and I am so glad she beaned me between the eyes. It was an unpleasant truth, but the truth none the less.
For my entire life I fantasized tha tmy egg donor was my “best friend”—sheesh! Really! Looking back now I can see how deluded I was, how far in denial. I was in De River DE-NILE so long there is a boat dock there called the “Oxy Memorial Boat dock”
The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off!
I love that line, I think it is from one of Donna’s essays! Anyway, it is great and soooo true! I dont’ want to pith anyone off or run anyone off from LF, for sure, but I think sometimes the truth has to be stated very PLAINLY.
This is an interesting article because the world Steve Becker is asking us to step into reminds me of lucid dreams I used to have. In the lucid dreams I know I am dreaming and know the characters will do whatever I want them to do because I dreamed them. So I have had all kinds of interesting sexual experiences in my dreams. I guess if I ever woke up and found myself a sociopath, I’d be the sexually seductive kind.
However, in real life, there is this thing called empathy and also respect for others primarily as human beings rather than objects. I imagine if I was missing this element, I could just have fun like in my lucid dreams, except there would be very real consequences. It never occurred to me to compare a sociopath’s state of mind to lucid dreaming. But that’s the closest I can compare it to. I often long for the kind of freedom I have in those dreams (which also includes being able to fly). But I don’t see a way to approximate that in waking life. Even if a group of strangers got together and decided to enact those situations, it would only take a few brief conversations before the people became multi-dimensional and not just objects. And then there are things like STD’s and so on.
In summary to my long essay, :), I think that as human beings we fantasize about all kinds of things that we want for self-gratification. But we don’t just go out and use people to fulfill those needs because to us, people are more than objects.
Oxy/Rune/Joy: Yes, today I was reading about N’s again because of all the posts but I thought it might just be ME thinking about it (I’ve been thinking it for days) and I could write a book about what I don’t know, so I didn’t feel like I should say anything, I am glad you did, but it was my gut instinct. If I knew how to write a letter to a user who would then turn around and tell me what was wrong and then I was in control of the situation… well, I wouldn’t be sitting here by myself. I’m the Queen of Denial, ha ha.