Imagine you can make yourself invisible (at will) and, thereby, effectively innoculate yourself against the consequences of your violating behaviors.
This playful scenario posits a power bordering on omnipotent. You can do what you want, when you want, to whom you want, secure in the knowledge that you can get away with it.
Your invisibility effectively liberates you from the normal rules and boundaries that regulate interpersonal conduct.
Now let’s be honest”¦with this power, how many of us would use it for our own amusement, and to our own advantage?
The true answer: most of us?
Remember, I said “let’s be honest.”
None of us, of course, so far as I know, possesses this power, thank goodness”¦and let me add that, while I suspect many of us would find some temptingly interesting ways to wield it, I am not suggesting that, endowed with such superpower, most of us would use it in cruel, hurtful ways.
As a matter of fact I think that, for many of us, possessing such a power would carry a burden. I imagine, for instance, a clash ensuing—a clash between opposing forces. That is, between a first force, call it our primitive thirst for self-gratification, and a second force (and the only force with the power to keep the first in check)—our conscience (our heeding of which enables us to sleep reasonably well at night).
So what am I getting at here?
Although I’m not suggesting that sociopaths operate with a belief in their literal invisibility, many of them, I am suggesting, operate with a metaphorically comparable mindset. I call it the immunity mindset.
The immunity mindset, as I’ve implied above, is a mentality characterized especially by the audacious belief and confidence that one can transgress others with, well, immunity.
It must be a heady feeling, indeed, to harbor the conviction that you can pull off sh*t most others would simply find too risky and, more importantly, too shameful to endeavor?
By way of example, imagine that you’re on a crowded subway and are seized with the lascivious impulse to grope an unsuspecting neighbor? The non-sociopath seized with such an impulse may consider it briefly, entertain and even enjoy the fantasy, but then retires it harmlessly.
He retires it for several reasons, chief among them his fear, first of all, of being caught, and just as deterrently, because he knows that the shame that would ensue from his action would supercede, probably greatly, the gratification to be enjoyed from his exploitive act.
Shame, we know, is a powerful deterrent against antisocial behavior. And so it follows that a lack of shame is a wonderful asset to carry into an exploitative endeavor.
Sociopaths, lacking and unencumbered by shame—specifically the anxiety, self-consciousness, negative self-judgement and nervousness that accompany shame—find themselves thus freely poised to engage in exploitative behaviors from which non-sociopaths will typically desist, and to do so, moreover, with the imperturbability of supremely composed individuals.
Their lack of shame, in other words, enables their composure.
In my subway example, the sociopath will grope his neighbor because, first of all, he wants to (and sociopaths, remember, do and take what they want); furthermore, because he lacks, as noted, the anticipatory shame that typically deters most of us from “acting-out” our violating impulses; and finally (and to the heart of this column), because he is as confident as if he were invisible that he will get away with his violation.
Let us imagine, for instance, that his victim whirls around and accuses the sociopath, publicly, of groping her. The non-sociopath would find such a public accusation mortifying. The sociopath, however, just as securely as though he’d been invisible, will calmly deny the charge, or else just as calmly finger the guy standing next to him as the guilty party.
He might say, with remarkable equanimity, “I don’t know what you’re talking about”¦you’ve got the wrong guy”¦.I wasn’t even standing here”¦so it couldn’t have been me. It was that guy.”
Now what kind of world is this in which the sociopath is living?
It is a world in which others are the ultimate objects with which to jerk around, toy, menace, and entertain himself: a world in which he, the sociopath, can imagine doing pretty much anything he wants to anyone, while enjoying, if not relishing, his perceived immunity from accountability.
This is another way of suggesting that many sociopaths aren’t just playing, in fantasy, the game of imagine if you were invisible, how would you exploit your power? Effectively, they are carrying this mentality, what I call the immunity mindset, into the real world.
It is a mindset steeped in a deep, grandiose sense of omnipotence; a mindset, I would add, that leaves the sociopath feeling empowered, and at liberty, to violate others sinisterly with his strange, striking, signature lack of worry, shame and constraint.
(My use of “he” in this, and other posts, is not to suggest that females are not capable of the behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Tilly:
Thanks. Why didn’t I remind GoodGrief of that yesterday????
It just shows how easily I can move my boundaries around for other people. That has been my problem with men all along.
And it is NOT Good Grief’s fault. It is my own!!
Dear Blueskies,
This is a tough one…this really is a tough one…
None of us really know GGs situation. We can speculate, and guess and make bets all we want but the truth is we just dont know. But I do know its not our place to judge or be detectives or prosecutors or saviors.
I do know that at one time I was in a very bad place myself – I just couldnt come to terms with it…it didnt want to believe it…my strength of conviction and determination to get back “the illusion” (didnt know thats what it was at time….but the messedup place I was in afforded me an unhealthy strength and determination to do all the wrong things (write a letter, try to get in his head, if only I had been different, surely we can work this out, I will prove my love can withstand anything (oyvey on that one), I JUST WANTED IT BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS… I even went back a few times until I learned the hard way that love and friendship is absolutely none of the above, nor is it doing any of the above. The above was unhealthiness on my part and a lifetime of unhealthy selfish choices on my xtox part. But my goodness did I ever get caught up in “essentially everyone has goodness in them at the end of the day” thinking…. fairytale!
Even the couple that Donna posted about where he murdered her and took his own life… the same unhealthy, unreasoning, unbelievable “inability to see the truth” was prevalent … as her mother writes about the beatings and financial issues and emotional/physical abuse her daughter endured…her daughter only wanted one thing
“Wanting to believe Jarrett’s promises and not his actions”
THIS IS THE PROCESS THAT FOR SOME, EITHER GETS US OVER THE HURDLE OR SETS US BACK FOR MONTHS ON END…
If GG was actually in the frame of mind to be open to suggestions to let go and move on…then LF is the place for him as much as it is for anyone else. But if GG is seeking to “get her back” “get her to talk to him” “start over” then LF is not the place for GG to seek advice in THAT REGARD.
There have been many others here who have “fallen back into that deep dark abyss with their extox…we have shared our concerns and well wishes and expressed our understanding of the unhealthy thinking process they are in….we have listened to untold attempts of contact and breaking no contact…but what we havent dont and should not do is engage in seeking ways to “help/assist” someone to get back a person who is the reason they ended up at LF to begin with…
GG really needs to look within, look to therapeutic assistance and look at the big picture. I cannot say enough how much we ALL KNOW ITS A PROCESS. He is in a REALLY BAD PLACE…becoming unhealthy himself with his thought process – on top of being involved with an unhealthy person. I was in that place too.
GG – you have not contacted her. BRAVO. you have not sent the letters. WAY TO GO… and at the same time you have not heard or it goes in one ear and out the other (unless its something you want to hear) kind of the pattern you took on with your ex to stay afloat…this is something you must recognize and work on and I encourage you to begin to surrender to yourself…the REALITY of so many things… and look within (potential abandonement issues in your past or extreme naivity or a terrible fear of rejection or WHATEVER IT IS THAT IS ALLOWING YOU TO STAY IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL PLACE OR ACCEPT A DYSFUNCTIONAL SITUATION — all because you once loved someone – IT IS NOT GOOD. IT IS GRIEF AT ITS FINEST… grief you are single handedly bringing on and causing for yourself at this point.
We cannot tell you what to do or guess what she will do or how she will react. She is not healthy. You were not involved in a healthy relationship from the first six days to the last two months — it was not strong balanced grounded secure… from what you have shared it was alot of goodness from you and alot of manipulation from her including verbal promises or vagueness about where you two stood with eachother…you were in over your head (in love, financially, emotionally, as well as being a victim of a toxic person) and from what you say, she was in it for fun, a good time, willing to take what you gave, but not willing to be a woman of her word and certainly not wanting/not willing/or never intending to move in or on with you. It is all her choice. Respect it whether she is an S or disordered or a ” hot mess” as some people would say….
When and if you are ready to accept and move on and let go…share your journey with us at LF… your pain, your place, your view.
But as far as asking for advice on how to get her to talk to you or come back to you or see if things have changed for her…LF is not the place to seek ways to get her back… you are right mostly we are all wanting to get away from them – because some of us have been in your shoes a time or two – and some of us have written letters or try to reach out – or even agree to go back – and it is true — we all end up here again — once the unhealthy cycle begins again.. Because they dont change and NC is the ONLY way to go.
Blueskies, you are so sweet and growing and learning too…when you recognize something is wrong you move away from it now…or you allow yourself to be vigilent in protecting your most valuable gift given to you in life — YOURSELF, while accepting others who treat you well and honor their words with actions and goodness. No more settling or saving others or losing your own self-respect and self-trust and self-awareness. ITS COMPLETELY FAB!!! ITS EMPOWERING!! ITS NOT EASY, IN FACT HARD TO REALLY PUT IT INTO ACTION AT TIMES WHEN WE ARE SO DO-GOODERS…BUT WE ACTUALLY DO SO MUCH MORE HARM TO OURSELVES AND SENSE OF SELVES…WHEN WE ‘TAKE ON’ ANOTHERS ISSUES OR ACCEPT SIMPLY WORDS OVER ACTIONS…WE MUST PROTECT OURSELVES FIRST AND WE CAN CHOOSE TO LET OTHERS IN OUR LIVES BASED ON THEIR ACTIONS AND COURSE OF DIRECTION TO WANT TO GET TO A BETTER PLACE AND SUPPORT THAT…AS LONG AS THEY ARE WILLING TO GROW AND LEARN ON THEIR OWN.
BUT ITS A PROCESS…A NEVER ENDING PROCESS..ONE THAT IS PRIMARILY UP TO THE INDIVIDUAL EXPERIENCING A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP AND MAKING THEIR OWN CHOICES ON HOW TO LET GO, MOVE ON, AND EVENTUALLY LIKE YOU ARE DOING MAKING POSITIVE CHANGES WITHIN AS WELL AS WITH YOUR OUTER SURROUNDINGS…CHOICES THAT WILL SURELY HELP YOU TO LIVE SOCIOFREE!! GOOD FOR YOU! YOU MADE ME SMILE THIS MORNING!! :)) THANKS…
So a guy comes into the emergency room complaining about a hangnail. The ER doc focuses on the little toe and ignores the knife sticking out of the guy’s back?
When we are caught up trying to help someone with what THEY THINK THEY NEED, we may forget to step back long enough to question whether that’s what they really need or if there’s a different issue that’s more significant. (And even if we try, we can miss something!)
This forum allows us all to work on many aspects of ourselves, even as we help others.
I don’t know the truth of GG’s situation (and none of us really can), but I do know that a lot of people got very caught up and spent a lot of time trying to “help.” And maybe I missed something, because I didn’t read everything, but I didn’t see GG giving back to others in anything like the measure that he was taking. The transaction was out of balance — and that’s a big issue for most of us, we tend to let things ge out of balance before we realize what’s going on.
For the most part, those of us here are compassionate, non-judgmental people who are ready to help others who are in pain. It is our great glory and our downfall.
I don’t see that GG was deliberately trying to hi-jack the site, and I disagree that this was something so clearcut that Donna needed to intervene.
I think our collective wisdom has brought the light of truth to this situation, and I respect and appreciate that GG has gained from this, and is willing to step out of the spotlight and let some of this generous and loving advice soak into his own awareness.
And for anyone who went “above and beyond” in offering compassionate assistance — as I said, it’s our glory and our downfall. Ain’t we wonderful!
Good Grief,
I hope that you continue to read….
Was proud that you said that when you post you step backwards and when you read you progress.
My wish for you is that you will post one day real soon about your progress without ANY mention of a “new letter” on the draft board…
“kind of crazy to me how everyone kind of came out of the woodwork and piled on how terrible I am.”
I would like to comment on this as I don’t want you to feel that everyone thinks your terrible. I don’t think your terrible.
I will speak for myself:
What I thought is exactly what I said in one of my post.
SOMETIMES 2 PEOPLE IN A RELATIONSHIP CAN BRING THE WORST OUT IN EACH OTHER.
And the truth of the matter is if you were MY son obsessing over a girl the way you were I would have been on him if HE
asked for my advice just like I was on YOU.
And the truth also would be if I had a daughter and a young man was obsessing over her as you were obsessing I would be terrified for her. And my advice to her would be NOT to talk to you, PERIOD.
For me that is bottom line. Obsession can lead to disaster.
All of us can find ourselves in an obsession mode.
BUT STAYING THERE…..that is spending to much time in your own head.
And its dangerous. Obsession can lead to DISTORTED thinking. Obsession can lead to domestic violence. Obsession in its highest form can lead to murder.
The thing that scared me the most in your post was not the denial, or anything you said particularly, it was the obsession.
The truth is you won’t always hear what you want to hear at LF. But you certainly might hear what you need to hear.
Learnthelesson,
Welcome back! Hope you had a nice visit with your father…
As always, your compassion and your wisdom in your post is so….I can’t even come up with the right word.
YOU are so SPECIAL.
Rune and Witsend,
Both very on-point posts thank you. Since I made the reference to Donna… it was in her list of Site Rules and Regulations to not engage in “negative posts or posting concerns directly to the person you are feeling uncomfortable with or questioning his/her true intentions or if in fact you feel he/she is as S/N/P (or I would imagine anything that just generally makes you question the comfort level of the thread)…
I did not feel Donna needed to step in an intervene at all or that anything was clearclu… my suggestions was if we are feeling uncomforable about a poster we dont address it with them in a post…we let Donna know and she does what she feels is appropriate. (I have actually phoned LF on one particular occassion and left Donna a message about a concern I had…we never spoke, but I brought my concern to her attention and that worked well). She was able to do whatever she felt was best for the site and I didnt have to get involved with “crossing my boundaries” with anyone.
Good Grief always responded to my posts and suggestions…his vulnerability was there AND his inability to move past the place he is in (obsessing, determination, unhealthy thoughts) was there. He continues to go back and forth in his mind and posts…and he is stuck….none of us can “pull him through” – he has to get there (or somewhere) on his own free will and understanding.
Yes ALOT of time and energy was spent/given/offered to GF… I wanted to “reach” goodgrief so as to enlighten him on his journey before he reverted to darkness and confusion again…he didnt overstep any boundaries with me at all…he just needs to sort it out and not ask for any advice/suggestions on LF on how to get his x back.
GG is welcome here in my opinion, esp. when he feels he needs support, advice and understanding because he was involved in a toxic relationship and WANTS TO AND IS READY TO MOVE ON… but I cannot support anyones cause to want to GO BACK. Thats an individual choice and something Lovefraud is not here for…its here for healing, positivity and reality and new beginnings…
Witsend,
Thanks… Had a very nice visit with my father… THE BOAT WAS OUT OF COMMISSION!! :)) Little did I know whats worse than fishing…. Crabbing off of the dock…. string and raw chicken necks and all!!!! Finally he remembered he had a REAL CRAB TRAP that encloses the crabs as soon as they enter ! So we got some keepers :)…and my son had the time of his life!! (Caught a bullfrog at the pond…have a picture of me “kissing” me frog prince — thankfully he said Mom that stuff isnt true its pretend 🙂
Got some rest (my sister took our boys out for a few hour stretches at a time – shes a nurse – so I feel safe and secure with him under her supervision…weather was wonderful…company perfection…and did I mention the FISHING BOAT WAS OUT OF COMMISSION! 🙂
I am going to catch up…I was so exhausted last night but caught glimpses of your posts about your son and the next 6 days are coveted by you..I was touched by your honesty and openness of your journey and how you are handling your son (water story – good for you)…and everything else you are going through with him…I plan on unpacking today and catching up, so I will get a better understanding of whats unfolding for you and your son (obviously unfolding daily at this point… hope you are doing as best you can. ) It has to be so challenging…Im so glad you are and POSTING! xoxo
Rune,
Well said… I just know that my gut was having a HUGE check in it, and that I have learned not to rescue people. I can companion them if they are doing their work, but I can’t waste my time on someone who isn’t ready or is unwilling to move ahead, if only a little. I cannot judge, but I can sure DISCERN. When I was still in denial, I had two parts of me to deal with – the part that wanted to be free, and the part of THINKING I WOULD DIE without him.It was only when the pain of staying the same was worse than the pain of letting go, that I was truly able to let go, and it was then only by the grace of God. But there was always, even in the worst of my pain, a desire to be free and a willingness to learn. I wanted to do the right thing, but I didn’t have the power. I had to realize that I was powerless over the P in my life, that my life was unmanageable by me, that there was a Power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity (for my actions and beliefs were surely not sane), and that I was ready to turn my will and my life over to that Power because I had FAILED MISERABLY with my own actions – I didn’t even have to define that Power. Really, it was about surrender, but even then it happened when I could finally see.
Rune, You asked what I need and really the support and love I have felt from here is beyond words. It has touched my heart and made me cry. Good healthy tears and then opened the flood gate for all the bad stuff to pour out to. I don’t often cry and when I do it is usually because of anger or frustration but seldom grief. And Now as the last glimmer of the fantasy that I did matter that he wasn’t a total SP burn away in the harsh light of my new reality, there is so much pain to feel. And fear as I am now so aware of his desire to lie and attempt to destroy me because of an innocent child her desire to contact me and my fear for her as I honesty evaluate his words, behavior, and abuse instead of pretending that my gut was wrong that I was stupid or paranoid about who or what he was. Nothing like pulling a criminal background check and seeing 18 charges to open the most closed eyes to the awful truth. Now I just need prayers for safety, truth, and justice. And acceptance that the child is lost to me forever and will likely suffer and turn out badly under is sole possession. Because he has said that she is simply property that he took from her bio Mom and now from me and that he doesn’t care about what she wants because he owns her til she turns 18. I’m willing to bet that at that time she will be what has been termed a hot mess. But it is beyond my control. I made my calls to CPS and my Mom went to her school and told the Guidance counselor all of it the whole ugly story. Now it must be placed solely in God’s hands as I must rest there as well. Thank you all. I’m not gone from here but a busy week. I will try to keep up with the reading. And will definitely post after the meeting with the attorney and court for sure. So glad to hear of others progress. And GG there is nothing good about grief it totally sucks. I still think you need to have a good long hard cry. I still welcome you here. NC is hard when you aren’t ready. I know. I learned the hard way. Sometimes we just need to know, but I think that you never will get your answers any clearer than you have already. Peace to you and all as we continue on the journey collectively and individually toward recovery and new lives.
Joy: I know the pain of realizing how horribly wrong a situation is, and knowing you can’t just step in and change things. I’m glad you are getting clarity.
I have some thoughts on the child, though. I don’t know how long you were with this man, but I do know that sometimes things turn around in miraculous ways.
As you say, we can pray for safety, truth and justice. I know that Rosa faces a similar situation. We can work on educating others, and getting the truth into the right hands about who these people are. And we can stand ready, if anything changes, to step forward in the future.
Please stay close, and take care.