Imagine you can make yourself invisible (at will) and, thereby, effectively innoculate yourself against the consequences of your violating behaviors.
This playful scenario posits a power bordering on omnipotent. You can do what you want, when you want, to whom you want, secure in the knowledge that you can get away with it.
Your invisibility effectively liberates you from the normal rules and boundaries that regulate interpersonal conduct.
Now let’s be honest”¦with this power, how many of us would use it for our own amusement, and to our own advantage?
The true answer: most of us?
Remember, I said “let’s be honest.”
None of us, of course, so far as I know, possesses this power, thank goodness”¦and let me add that, while I suspect many of us would find some temptingly interesting ways to wield it, I am not suggesting that, endowed with such superpower, most of us would use it in cruel, hurtful ways.
As a matter of fact I think that, for many of us, possessing such a power would carry a burden. I imagine, for instance, a clash ensuing—a clash between opposing forces. That is, between a first force, call it our primitive thirst for self-gratification, and a second force (and the only force with the power to keep the first in check)—our conscience (our heeding of which enables us to sleep reasonably well at night).
So what am I getting at here?
Although I’m not suggesting that sociopaths operate with a belief in their literal invisibility, many of them, I am suggesting, operate with a metaphorically comparable mindset. I call it the immunity mindset.
The immunity mindset, as I’ve implied above, is a mentality characterized especially by the audacious belief and confidence that one can transgress others with, well, immunity.
It must be a heady feeling, indeed, to harbor the conviction that you can pull off sh*t most others would simply find too risky and, more importantly, too shameful to endeavor?
By way of example, imagine that you’re on a crowded subway and are seized with the lascivious impulse to grope an unsuspecting neighbor? The non-sociopath seized with such an impulse may consider it briefly, entertain and even enjoy the fantasy, but then retires it harmlessly.
He retires it for several reasons, chief among them his fear, first of all, of being caught, and just as deterrently, because he knows that the shame that would ensue from his action would supercede, probably greatly, the gratification to be enjoyed from his exploitive act.
Shame, we know, is a powerful deterrent against antisocial behavior. And so it follows that a lack of shame is a wonderful asset to carry into an exploitative endeavor.
Sociopaths, lacking and unencumbered by shame—specifically the anxiety, self-consciousness, negative self-judgement and nervousness that accompany shame—find themselves thus freely poised to engage in exploitative behaviors from which non-sociopaths will typically desist, and to do so, moreover, with the imperturbability of supremely composed individuals.
Their lack of shame, in other words, enables their composure.
In my subway example, the sociopath will grope his neighbor because, first of all, he wants to (and sociopaths, remember, do and take what they want); furthermore, because he lacks, as noted, the anticipatory shame that typically deters most of us from “acting-out” our violating impulses; and finally (and to the heart of this column), because he is as confident as if he were invisible that he will get away with his violation.
Let us imagine, for instance, that his victim whirls around and accuses the sociopath, publicly, of groping her. The non-sociopath would find such a public accusation mortifying. The sociopath, however, just as securely as though he’d been invisible, will calmly deny the charge, or else just as calmly finger the guy standing next to him as the guilty party.
He might say, with remarkable equanimity, “I don’t know what you’re talking about”¦you’ve got the wrong guy”¦.I wasn’t even standing here”¦so it couldn’t have been me. It was that guy.”
Now what kind of world is this in which the sociopath is living?
It is a world in which others are the ultimate objects with which to jerk around, toy, menace, and entertain himself: a world in which he, the sociopath, can imagine doing pretty much anything he wants to anyone, while enjoying, if not relishing, his perceived immunity from accountability.
This is another way of suggesting that many sociopaths aren’t just playing, in fantasy, the game of imagine if you were invisible, how would you exploit your power? Effectively, they are carrying this mentality, what I call the immunity mindset, into the real world.
It is a mindset steeped in a deep, grandiose sense of omnipotence; a mindset, I would add, that leaves the sociopath feeling empowered, and at liberty, to violate others sinisterly with his strange, striking, signature lack of worry, shame and constraint.
(My use of “he” in this, and other posts, is not to suggest that females are not capable of the behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear Joy,
I just read your post to Rune.
You and your step-daughter are in my prayers for safety, truth and justice.
Your post reads to me as strong…and accepting where the moment is right now, today…but not defeated…and that the turn-out is still unknown. I second Rune on having some different thoughts on the child in that sometimes things just really do turn around in miraculous ways.
You can find a piece of comfort in knowing you did ALL THAT YOU COULD…that counts for so much…you have put it in Gods hands…and as you said you can rest there as well.
Good luck with the meeting with the attorney and court date. You have your “LF Network” beside you. I am inspired by your perserverance and courage in the face of an Evil human being. Take care of yourself first and foremost…God bless you Joy.
Dear Dear Joy,
You are in my prayers and yes, the situation is difficult to process, especially when you see an innocent child used as a pawn in this creature’s determination to hurt you at any cost—even to the child. Hang on and keep praying and keep taking care of yourself. I hope that your quest for justice is realized this time! ((((hugs)))) and prayers!
Very interesting post. Makes you think doesn’t it?
The other day I was reading some of what people had posted about sociopaths and how many of them had fathered several children. This deeply troubled me, although I couldn’t pin point why it troubled me on such a PERSONAL level.
Today I read the story of the young girl murdered by her husband in Texas. Heartbreaking story. The ultimate tragic ending….
Everyones story, everyones personal journeys, seem to touch me on a more emotional level, then when I first came here.
My initial compassion when reading the story of the murder/suicide in Texas went to her parents. How devistating this must be for them. I can’t even imagine?
Since reading this story, I haven’t been able to stop crying….And I wonder what is it that is bringing out all this flood of emotion? My thoughts have been drifting to HIS PARENTS.
When they were raising their child did they see alarming signs? Are they looking back reflecting on how afraid they were when they saw troubling personality traits and behavior in their son? Did they seek help for him, and there wasn’t any help to be given?
Two summers ago, (his 8 th gtade PRE high school summer) I was sitting at my sons baseball game. He was playing on a team where he was only ONE of THREE younger team mates. He felt alot of pressure playing on this team with high school team mates. His coach was coaching him to play 3rd base. Being a lefty, at first he seemed awkward at 3rd base but as the season wore on he seemed to do better.
This particular game he made a bad play on 3rd. And then another bad play followed….My sons coach, did what any good coach would do and told him to make an adjustment.
One of the players fathers was sitting on the sideline (right by 3rd base) and he was known as being very loud & verbal & rude during the games. He was especially AWFUL if it was one of his own kids. A LOUD negative comment was made by him to my son directly and I watched my sons reaction. His eyes welled up with tears. I saw him quickly wipe them away. His dismay of possibly having his peers see him cry was evident.
My heart went out to him. It was one of those moments with your kids….that you wished you could make it better.
This game was NOT by any means the turning point in my sons life. However shortly down the road there was going to be a MAJOR turning point in our lives. I JUST DIDN’T KNOW IT YET.
Baseball and soccer and all the things my son held in high regard in his life….All this things were going to come to an end…..Little did I know that was going to be my last summer sitting at baseball games.
AT WHAT POINT IS THE POINT OF NO RETURN FOR A CHILD?
Two summers ago my son showed emotion at a baseball game.
Last fall I was seeking him therapy for troubling personality traits presenting themselves.
Today I DREAD the summer ahead. HOW OUR LIVES HAVE CHANGED.
I dread the summer ahead because I have no guidance….No real solutions to the problems. I am his mother and I should be doing SOMETHING, not contributng to the disorder, not enabeling the disorder.
I know I have said this ALL BEFORE. As time goes on it becomes clear to me that all this emotion that I have is because this child of mine, he might very well be unreachable, untreatable……BUT I AM ANGRY AND HURT BEYOND WORDS that this could be his fate….
Today, when I say how hurt I am that there is not help available for my son I almost feel like I am right back at where I started…
But today there is another layer to this…As I see him grooming this disease, this disfunction, this disorder, I see the bigger picture.
Today he has the most impact on my life. It is slowly tricking into the lives of others. Some interactions with teachers. I have noticed his interactions with his few close friends changing. He seems to care about their presence in his life less and less…I have observed those that he tends to manipulate. (besides myself)
The days of “helping” him seem to be slipping away even in MY EYES, and the days of him being more enpowered in this disorder seem to be the reality of the situation.
Today my tears keep flowing because I read a story about a sweet girl in Texas that was murdered. By a man, who ONCE was a little boy, and then a teenager, and then a husband who did the unthinkable.
AND I AM SURE THERE WERE SIGNS WHEN HE WAS A TEENAGER. In the big old state of Texas was any help available to him as a child? Did his parents go through the frustration that I face? Did anyone offer them any answers to their questions of how to DEAL with his problem?
DID THEY FACE A SUMMER looming ahead that they dreaded?
I can’t help but ask myself these questions…..Because this end result was the ultimate tragedy. FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED.
Dear Witsend…
We were posting at the same time… sharing the same type of thoughts…In fact, I thought of you…
What is going on with that Drs. appt…what is going on with court or the director of the program…did you decide to not write to your son? or how did that go if you did? I encourage you to find someone, even a “big brother” or his own brother who is involved in an upcoming wedding..perhaps if you shared with him some of your letters here and asked for his advice…he on is own will stepup to the plate or a girlfriends husband to reach out to your son for companionship…
something…anything…
In all of our questioning of whats been done or what people do with this…I can only think of WHAT COULD I DO..NO MATTER WHAT EXTREME TO TRY TO REACH HIM, STEER HIM IN ANOTHER DIRECTION. His visit with his older brother was uneventful…more time like that might be helpful…I just dont think we can keep saying “its unfair to his older brother” or perhaps time with Grandfather… people who may have a shot of reaching him/bonding with him/guiding him… again I am just trouble shooting with you with far out options…but at least options at this point regardless of how they turn out… ((HUGS))
Can you think of anyone (male) you can print your posts and share then with…
that might be able to help become involved…
they may “get it”
they may make a difference…they may not…
it may be too late…it may not
He may need medication…he may need a whole different approach to life…he is 16…we just dont know what exactly his diagnosis is…so placing him into the category of a potentially violent S is just too much to do right now. Live in the moment as much as you can…one day at a time…troubleshooting and being proactive as possible…
CREATIVITY is going to be key if there is any chance of a resolution…I really believe that.
Dear Witsend,
I am the mother of a son who killed a young woman who got involved with my son. She made him angry by “betraying” him when they got caught in their illegal activities. This young woman was a troubled teen, who was into illegal things herself, and was giving her parents “fits” with her bad behavior, but she did NOT deserve to die.
She obviously got involved (as this young woman did) with a scum bag (my P son) that she had NO idea of how dangerous he could be when she “provoked” him by betraying him to the law and her parents. Shovign the “blame” for her bad behavior off on his influence.
While HE blames others for his bad behavior and that is fine with him, he soure does NOT like to either assume his own blame or someone else’s either. There is in his mind one set of rules for him (lie, lie, lie) and another for others, protect him at all costs!
He gets FURIOUS if you treat him like he treats you! If you lie to him, it is a grave betrayal, if he lies to you, that is fine.
Yep, two sets of rules and they cannot see that that is not only not acceptable, but that we don’t have to stand for it.
They will use force against us to make us do their will.
Obviously that young woman’s parents were devestated, and HIS PARENTS were probably also devestated. Both sets of parents lost their child. There was a time I would GLADLY have had my son dead and their daughter in prison for killing him. It would have been easier on me! There would have been comfort and support for the parents of the murdered boy, where there was NO support and comfort for the mother of the MURDER-ER!
I think, Witsend, that your grief is starting to flow for your son’s wasted life ahead unless he changes 180 degrees, and for the emotional death of all of YOUR hopes and desires for your son that you have held, I am sure, from before he was born. The hopes and desires we all dream of when we are pregnant with the child, as we see him grow.
Psychopaths are not emotionless, they feel and their feelings can be hurt and they can cry—their emotions are not the same as ours, but they do have emotions. They can be injured by an insult or by frustration, but the usual response after they hit puberty or there abouts is anger, frustration entitlement, and rage. Not compassion and concern. During the teenaged years my son was not good at faking other emotions than those above, but now he is much better at faking the “kindness and concern” However going back and re-thinking his “act” I also see where he isn’t as good as I gave him credit for, except that I was an EASY MARK because I WANTED SO BADLY TO BELIEVE him. NO MORE. His pleas and his fake “love and concern” don’t even move me now. He doesn’t move me now, the MAN inside his body doesn’t move me now. That little boy I loved is gone, never to return, and the MAN IS A MONSTER. I fear the man I cannot love him.
My memories of my young son are prescious to me, and I love and cherish those memories just as I would if my son had physicallty died. Like I cherish and love the memories of tiems with my husband….but I grieved for my lost son. That son I had so many dreams for, but they were not HIS dreams.
Witsend, do your grieving, cry, cry cry, and let it all out….if later you find he does reform and get his act together, still you will be better off, but if he doesn’t, you will have at least saved yourself years of false hope and continual grief.
Accepting what IS THE TRUTH TODAY, doesn’t mean that truth can’t change for the better tomorrow, but not accepting the truth today requires a lot of energy better spent, I think, on yourself. ((((hugs))))) and always prayers for you. (((hugs))))
Oxy,
What special words to Witsend…
“Accepting WHAT IS THE TRUTH TODAY, doesnt mean that the truth cant change for the better tomorrow”…and if his life worsens or doesnt change you will be in the moment and not left with false hope…
Oxy your ability to be who you are and where you are with your situation is profound… You said The son I had so many dreams for, but they were not HIS dreams…. so true and in fact we can interchange the word son for mother, father, sibling, friend, lover etc….
Thank you Oxy..
Dear Learnthelesson,
The one thing ahead in the near future is the parenting with love and limits class. My petition to the courts for the incorrigible teenager fell to the wayside however the director of this program did say that my son & myself was eligible for this program. It starts the first Tuesday in June.
I was given some conflicting information early on about the incorrigibility petition and being interviewed by pros. att. office first and finally going in front of a judge for the petition itself. In my case (for whatever reason?) the petition went from the prosecuting att. office right into the hands of the director of this program. So I was denied the courts involvment as far as going in front of the judge and possibly getting a probation officer involved in coming to the house and holding my son “accountable” for whatever was ordered by the courts. Such as school, following rules at home etc.
With that denied, he was still given the opportunity to have an assesment made by the director of this program. He came to the house and interviewed me and he is suppose to return and interview my son.
The program sounds like a “hands on” intervention program. There are group classes to attend for parents and the kids. And during the week there is ALSO private family counseling where they come to your house so they can help you to IMPLIMENT what you have learned in the group class.
I have hopes for the fact that there is SOMETHING in the near future to embrace in the direction of intervention…..Something I have been an a mission for.
This man (the director) is a doctor. I am hoping that he will be the man in my sons life that DOES “get it”.
I am also being very careful with my expectations of this program. WANTING to embrace it but also not think of it as the the miracle I used to pray for?
Just to be able to enter into it with an open mind and heart.
Oxy,
I think you are right….I think today I am grieving…..I just can NOT stop crying. Its like the flood gates have opened. I feel like I am having a break down.
I see bits and pieces of my life just flashing before me.
I want comfort that NO ONE can give me. I want someone to tell me everything is going to be alright. I WANT TO BELIEVE everything is going to be alright.
I cry because I think I know everything is not going to be alright.