Imagine you can make yourself invisible (at will) and, thereby, effectively innoculate yourself against the consequences of your violating behaviors.
This playful scenario posits a power bordering on omnipotent. You can do what you want, when you want, to whom you want, secure in the knowledge that you can get away with it.
Your invisibility effectively liberates you from the normal rules and boundaries that regulate interpersonal conduct.
Now let’s be honest”¦with this power, how many of us would use it for our own amusement, and to our own advantage?
The true answer: most of us?
Remember, I said “let’s be honest.”
None of us, of course, so far as I know, possesses this power, thank goodness”¦and let me add that, while I suspect many of us would find some temptingly interesting ways to wield it, I am not suggesting that, endowed with such superpower, most of us would use it in cruel, hurtful ways.
As a matter of fact I think that, for many of us, possessing such a power would carry a burden. I imagine, for instance, a clash ensuing—a clash between opposing forces. That is, between a first force, call it our primitive thirst for self-gratification, and a second force (and the only force with the power to keep the first in check)—our conscience (our heeding of which enables us to sleep reasonably well at night).
So what am I getting at here?
Although I’m not suggesting that sociopaths operate with a belief in their literal invisibility, many of them, I am suggesting, operate with a metaphorically comparable mindset. I call it the immunity mindset.
The immunity mindset, as I’ve implied above, is a mentality characterized especially by the audacious belief and confidence that one can transgress others with, well, immunity.
It must be a heady feeling, indeed, to harbor the conviction that you can pull off sh*t most others would simply find too risky and, more importantly, too shameful to endeavor?
By way of example, imagine that you’re on a crowded subway and are seized with the lascivious impulse to grope an unsuspecting neighbor? The non-sociopath seized with such an impulse may consider it briefly, entertain and even enjoy the fantasy, but then retires it harmlessly.
He retires it for several reasons, chief among them his fear, first of all, of being caught, and just as deterrently, because he knows that the shame that would ensue from his action would supercede, probably greatly, the gratification to be enjoyed from his exploitive act.
Shame, we know, is a powerful deterrent against antisocial behavior. And so it follows that a lack of shame is a wonderful asset to carry into an exploitative endeavor.
Sociopaths, lacking and unencumbered by shame—specifically the anxiety, self-consciousness, negative self-judgement and nervousness that accompany shame—find themselves thus freely poised to engage in exploitative behaviors from which non-sociopaths will typically desist, and to do so, moreover, with the imperturbability of supremely composed individuals.
Their lack of shame, in other words, enables their composure.
In my subway example, the sociopath will grope his neighbor because, first of all, he wants to (and sociopaths, remember, do and take what they want); furthermore, because he lacks, as noted, the anticipatory shame that typically deters most of us from “acting-out” our violating impulses; and finally (and to the heart of this column), because he is as confident as if he were invisible that he will get away with his violation.
Let us imagine, for instance, that his victim whirls around and accuses the sociopath, publicly, of groping her. The non-sociopath would find such a public accusation mortifying. The sociopath, however, just as securely as though he’d been invisible, will calmly deny the charge, or else just as calmly finger the guy standing next to him as the guilty party.
He might say, with remarkable equanimity, “I don’t know what you’re talking about”¦you’ve got the wrong guy”¦.I wasn’t even standing here”¦so it couldn’t have been me. It was that guy.”
Now what kind of world is this in which the sociopath is living?
It is a world in which others are the ultimate objects with which to jerk around, toy, menace, and entertain himself: a world in which he, the sociopath, can imagine doing pretty much anything he wants to anyone, while enjoying, if not relishing, his perceived immunity from accountability.
This is another way of suggesting that many sociopaths aren’t just playing, in fantasy, the game of imagine if you were invisible, how would you exploit your power? Effectively, they are carrying this mentality, what I call the immunity mindset, into the real world.
It is a mindset steeped in a deep, grandiose sense of omnipotence; a mindset, I would add, that leaves the sociopath feeling empowered, and at liberty, to violate others sinisterly with his strange, striking, signature lack of worry, shame and constraint.
(My use of “he” in this, and other posts, is not to suggest that females are not capable of the behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear Witsend,
My dear I have so been where you are, and it is, for me the worst sort of pain I have ever experienced….I went through it over and over though…back when he was 16, then again at 17, then again at 19 and was first sent to prison for a felony, and then when he was 20 and went to prison for murder.
EACH time I grieved and grieved harder each time, but let myself get pulled back into THE FANTASY that everything was going to be okay….I was trying to be kind to him and TO MYSELF by “cutting the puppy’s tail off an inch at a time” If I had known what I know now, I would choose to GRIEVE IT ALL ONCE AND FOR ALL, and then ACCEPT whatever TODAY’s reality is, rather than get hooked back into the FANTASY of it will all be okay.
I liken it to the anxiety you feel if you are waiting to find out if you have terminal cancer—it is awful, but even if your diagnosis is “Yes, you have terminal cancer” at least you can deal with it head on and grieve about it ONCE. ACCEPT IT ONCE. The over and over part is I think what makes it horrible or worse than horrible…if that makes any sense to you.
As you are living now EVERY DAY is a new expectation a new hope that is dashed daily to the ground, but if you ACCEPT how he is TODAY, but don’t let your expectations get falsely optimistic (I am NOT saying give up hope, just keep your hope and expectations REALISTIC…if that makes any sense.
I did it by saying to myself (self talk)” He is the way he is today, and I have to accept that, I can’t change it. I WISH and I HOPE that he is going to get better, I will do what I can to ASSIST him, but IT IS UP TO HIM, :”
Witsend, it is out of your control, it is in his control. Accepting that it is NOT in your control, and putting it in to God’s hands and realizing that all you can do is pray and do the best you can to take care of yourself. ((((hugs)))) and I AM praying for you sweetie!
witsend – holidays are not good days when we feel so hopeless and alone. I cant imagine what you are dealing with. I have 2 son’s – they are good productive men, good fathers. But they put me through some trying times, when son 2 was 13 he got involved with a bad kid who is now in prison. My son was drawing demonic pictures and being very disrespectful to his mother. I asked for complete custody and got it, I think the discipline and tough love was what he needed. His mom would always bail him out and avoid confronting him. Well he turned out ok, not going to be running for president but he knows he is loved and ON HIS OWN now. He has a good job – good wife – sweet happy daughter…oh I remember those teenage years with my sons, I think between about 9 and 21 they are not even human. Try not to obsess about things and just do what you can. And by the way I give the biggest bestest ole bear hugs around I just gave you one….take care of you..
Witsend,
My prayers are with you at this time – so many people care about you and what you are experiencing at this time. I have been there as have many others. Know you are loved and cradled in a safe place as you move forward into a new normal. There is hope, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now. Be Blessed, Honey!!
Good Grief, I hope you feel the door is open for you should you decide you need the support here. I think if you feel strongly that you need to try and work out your relationship, then there is probably no one who could talk you out of that. However, I did find some of the best advice I’ve ever seen on “second chances”. I saved it from a dating forum (I did not write it). And I post it once in a while when I think it is helpful. Naturally, this advice is totally moot with a sociopath because nothing works with them. However, this is good general advice on getting someone back who has left you:
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Ok, here’s some information I have gathered about second chances. Now, understand that even under ideal conditions, the odds of a second chance actually working is about 5%. The odds go up, however, if you keep the following information in mind.
(Disclaimer: I’m not a relationship expert. I will say that I have read, studied, talked to countless “so called experts” and see first hand what works and what doesn’t. There is no guarantee if you following my guideline you will win your ex back. Some people are able to move on from a failed relationship quite easily, others are not. These are my theories (and theories from others) and as such, will have variations depending upon the circumstances.)
1. LET GO: Yes, I said LET GO. No matter how much you love and care for your ex, as long as you stay attached to them and are hoping/praying for a second chance, you will not follow the rest of the guideline and heal completely unless you first truly let go. The reason for this is allow your heart to heal, to focus on self-reflection and improvement and to get your mind and body in a state of happiness. No second chance will work if you are still pining and miserable over losing your ex.
2. NO CONTACT: That means exactly what it says. For the first month or two, you must never contact your ex under any circumstances. If you do, you will have to start the process over again. That means no emails/text/drunk dialing, etc. Now, that doesn’t mean if they contact you that you should never reply (chose wisely) but if you do, make sure to keep any replies short, sweet and to the point. Take your time before replying, even several days. It’s good to sleep on an email before replying so you have a clear head and are not replying with a ton of emotion. Never discuss the relationship during your healing phase and above all, DO NOT STALK YOUR EX. Do not try and find information about them. Whatever is going on in their life, you can’t handle the information right now. Stay away from their web pages, blogs, etc. Don’t talk to mutual friends (trust me, they will share any negative comments) Ignorance is bliss. Don’t focus on who they are with and what they are doing. It will only torture you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and while they may be living it up with the new person in their life, chances are it’s a rebound for them as well. It may take up to six months to a year for their new person’s bad side to show through. In the meantime if you screw it up by clinging to them, bad mouthing them or otherwise stalking them, you will only serve to push them away even further. If you share a child with an ex, complete NC will be hard. Any conversations with your ex should focus on the child(ren) and remain, short, sweet and to the point. Absolutely no talk about the relationship. Remember that any conversations with your ex should be a pleasurable one. That is what they will remember. If you are constantly arguing with them or otherwise trying to cling to them and force them back to you, you will make it a painful experience and that is what they will associate with you. Happy/Fun/Pleasurable is good. Arguing/Clinging/Whining/Crying is very, very bad.
3. DO NOT BE FRIENDS: It is impossible to be friends with someone you are deeply in love with. It just won’t work. All it will do is show your ex that you will accept second class treatment (in which any respect you had at that point from them will be lost). In addition it will delay your healing process. The longer you cling to hope, the longer it will take for you to truly let go and complete the healing process. I realize to some degree this is counter to your goal, winning them back, but is essential. Your ex doesn’t want you all broken and shattered. Have you ever met someone on the rebound and dated them? If so, it probably didn’t last long as you saw yourself feeling sorry for them. Their lack of confidence and self-respect is not attractive. Respect precedes love and you can not respect someone who doesn’t respect themselves first. Also keep in mind you can not expect someone to love someone who doesn’t love themself. And you can not make someone happy if you can not make yourself happy. Remember, all the good/healthy feelings you want your ex to feel about you will only come if you feel them about yourself first – and believe it.
4. FOCUS ON YOU: Allow for the normal grieving process, of course. How long it takes it completely dependent on you. The period of NO CONTACT will go a long way toward helping you focus on yourself and your healing. It doesn’t matter what your ex is doing right now or who they are seeing. You need to let go of things you have no control over and unfortunately in your case, you are no longer dating so all you have left is you.
5. RE-ACQUAINT YOURSELF WITH FRIENDS: Pick up your phone book or email list and start making contact with friends you haven’t hung out with lately. Get out of the house and go hang out with them. Right now you’re feeling down and out and a little quality time with your friends will go a long way towards healing your spirit. Do talk about the relationship with them if you wish, but don’t dwell on it. If they are friends with your ex, realize anything you say (good or bad) will get back to them. Focus more on what they did to get over and ex and listen to any positive advice they give you. Primarily though you want to invest the time with friends to get your mind OFF your ex and more on fun and bonding. Make new friends as well.
6. GET TO THE GYM: It’s a proven fact that no drug works better at getting someone out of depression faster than endorphins. I do not believe the old adage “The best way to get over someone is to get UNDER someone else.” If your head is not in the right place, some meaningless sex will only make you miss the ex even more. While you have the feeling of being lonely, sex isn’t the answer. At least not right now. Companionship is what you are missing and in the interim, talk to you friends and work out.
7. DIVE INTO HOBBIES: Now that you have some free time on your hands, rather than sitting around at home feeling sorry for yourself, engage your mind. Do something you’ve always wanted to do as a hobby. Fly model airplanes, take up hiking or mountain climbing, start biking, take a college course in computers, play video games. Your mind can usually only focus on one thing at one time. Keeping your mind engaged on hobbies will take it off your ex.
8. PUT THE DRINK/DRUGS DOWN: Yes, it’s ok to occasionally go out with friends and have a drink, but don’t over-do it. Drinking heavily leads to depression which will not only delay your healing process, but quite possibly throw you into an un-recoverable downward spiral. Not only that but it will put you out of shape and you will lose any gains from working out.
9. REBUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM: It’s normal to be dumped and have your self-esteem and confidence take a hit. Those who recover the fastest are those who have the strongest self of self-worth. Many relationships end in failure and not all of us were meant to be together. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you focus on your needs and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem, the sooner you will recover – and be stronger.
10. UNDERSTAND WHAT WENT WRONG: Instead of focusing on what your Ex did to cause the demise of the relationship, focus on learning a lesson and improving where you can. If you became clingy, then rebuild your confidence. Understand that you don’t NEED someone in your life. You can and will live fine without them. You must never NEED someone, only want them. I can not emphasize personal improvement enough. Almost every aspect of our life in regards to success can be directly attributed to our confidence and self-esteem. At healthy levels, we will find much success in everything we do. When the levels are below healthy, we often find failure. Not because of the situation, but because of how we viewed ourselves. If you are a clingy guy, some essential reading: “No More Mr. Nice Guy” and any of “David DeAngelo’s” stuff. Pay less attention to the pickup lines and focus on his insistence on confidence and self-esteem. He’s dead right on everything he says in regards to confidence. Remember boys: No woman respects a man who constantly kisses her ass. The same can be said of women. If you kiss a mans ass, he will lose interest in you quickly. You must have mutual respect for each other and that can not be had with ass-kissing.
11. LEARN BOUNDARIES: Boundaries are essential for anyone with healthy confidence, self respect and self-esteem. Learn to make boundaries clear from the start of a relationship and have repercussions for crossing them. When you set a boundary, it is imperative for you to follow through on your actions. If you make it clear to someone you are dating that if they say they are going to meet you somewhere at a certain time and don’t, make it clear it better not happen again. People whom you allow to cross your boundaries with no repercussions will lose respect for you and continue to cross them. Remember again, RESPECT PRECEDES LOVE. Without respect, there can not be love. Read “Love Must Be Tough” for more information on boundaries and why they are essential. Boundaries are not just for relationships. They are essential at home, at work and throughout your life.
12. NEVER TELL YOURSELF NO ONE WILL LOVE YOU: That’s a self-defeatist attitude that not only will keep you down, but is just outright WRONG. There is someone out there that will love you in the way you want. You just have to find them. And you certainly won’t find them if you are wallowing in self-doubt and pity. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps! You have plenty to live for and while no one likes to go through a bad breakup, it’s almost an essential part of life. How else are you going to learn the lessons of love without going through the hard knocks? Trust me, as long as you learn something from the relationship and self-improvement you are almost guaranteed greater success the next time. You will have learned valuable lessons to guide your future relationships. And, if you have rebuilt your confidence and self-esteem you will naturally attract those with the same qualities. Remember (especially guys) that attraction while initially might be based on looks will never last without you have strong confidence and self-esteem. However, you can attract and keep a great woman in your life without having great looks, as long as you do have strong confidence and self-esteem.
13. ACCEPT THAT SOME THINGS JUST AREN’T MEANT TO BE: Keep in mind that you may follow this guideline to a “T” and in the end and still the may never come back. Some people are just not meant to be together. But don’t get discouraged. Use this experience to guide all future relationships. How much do you love your ex? Do you love them enough to want them to be happy even if it’s not with you? To me, that is the true test of love. Not only do you love them unconditionally, warts and all, but that you want them to be happy with or without you. There is someone out there for you, but until your confidence and self-esteem is at healthy levels, until your life is full of happiness and fun, until you realize that you have to be happy before you can make anyone else happy, you won’t find them. People with all those positive attributes don’t have to look for a mate, they usually find them 😉
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Again, I did not write this myself, but I wish I had. This guy helped countless people on the dating site deal with broken hearts.
Stargazer: That is a very helpful list for anyone who is hoping for a second chance in a relationship that DOESN’T involve a sociopath. I really do appreciate the advice.
I have another comment for GG and everyone to consider: I notice that virtually all of us balance our requests for help with our generosity toward others. We ask for comfort, but we give it to others. We respect that we should honor all of us here by being reciprocal and not just taking.
I did not see GG giving back generously, while I saw him receiving tremendous generosity from others, and often not even acknowledging it. Respectfully, I suggest that we step back and consider the whole picture here.
I hope that GG is taking in the wealth of concerned and bighearted advice that he was given, and I appreciate that other people have had a chance to bring their own issues forward so they can also have comfort.
Yes, I cannot emphasize that enough, that there is no such thing as a second chance with a sociopath. However, I think a lot of that advice is timely for anyone going through any kind of break up. The part about letting go and no contact are especially poignant, when you consider that most do the opposite after a break up.
Thanks again everyone for your love and support and especially your prayers. The right judge on the right day may see him for who and what he is and order counseling for the child as it was previously court ordered and he ignored it or request CPS to actually investigate. It can happen it just rarely does. But it could be a miracle day for all. Regardless it is out of my hands, I rest in the knowledge that I spoke my fears and my truths as best I could for the child to be safe. The judge should see that his fear of me is really fear of prying eyes and he claimed fear as a way to punish me for interfering. To see us standing side by side little ol me and big ol him is a joke and he should ashamed for using a system designed for real victims but he doesn’t ever feel shame. Not capable of such an emotion.
Stargazer I love your post it is good advice for getting over depression and rejection even if you have no desire to get the ex back it is great advice. Hope GG is still here reading and learning. Hugs to all. And a big one to ((witsend))
Thanks, Joy, that is what I was trying to say…couldn’t get the words out. I was not implying that anyone should try to get back with a sociopath.
It must be a relief to have spoken your truth. I don’t know the whole story, but you sound to be at peace. I know when I turned in my S to the army, I didn’t know if he would be charged or punished for his crimes. I just knew I had to try every avenue I could. Once I did that, I let go of the outcome. There is only so much we can control, but doesn’t it feel good to have done what you could?
Dear Rune,
I absolutely agree with you. It simply amazes me how many of the “newbie” posters on here who come here really frantic and in Chaos, are with in a week or two, welcoming other newbies here to LF and reaching out to them with concern, caring and support. It simply AMAZES me how people in such pain still reach other to others like “old pros.” Most do, and some don’t, but the ones that DO are what make LF so special.
One of my pet peeves when I go on to a blog as a new poster is that you post a comment or a question and the “regular” posters ignore you and post around you and no one responds to you, sort of like a clique in high school. They shut you out. That is why I have tried to welcome people here on LF when I see a new or returning poster. I know how it feels to post on a blog and be ignored…it hurts, and especially when you are posting on a SUPPORT BLOG.
Thanking people for their advice, even if you don’t agree with it, is a good thing too. That is one of the things that makes LF special too. We’ve all got our own opinions, but the accepting and JUST PLAIN GOOD MANNERS of sharing, giving, taking, and “being polite” like you would if we were all in the same room together is what makes LF WORK!
IN addition to “beling polite” I think we all should also be truthful in our opinons—-and that may be saying something that the other party may not agree with, but also may be an angle the other person might not have seen.
A SMALL example the other day was when Elilzabeth conley and I were chatting and she mentioned that her son was dawdling with his math and she was delaying his AND HER lunch because he was dawling….and I wrote back to her that “He is manipulating YOU”—why should you go without your lunch and be punished for HIM dawdling? It was a simple thing, but she hadn’t “caught” it and I did and she came back with a “thank you” for pointing out something and some aspect she hadn’t seen.
We need to be able to trust each other to tell the truth AS WE SEE IT, and to take the truth as THEY SEE IT—WITHOUT OFFENSE. Sometimes though, people are so RAW that saying “good morning” is offensive to them. Or they misunderstand the angle you are coming from…or they have been so beaten by others that they assume everyone is out to get them.
So, we should also be patient, but when we observe bad behavior or very poor choices, I think if someone is coming ehre and say for example they are in AA and say “I’m going out to bars every night” that they could expect someone to say “I don’t think that is a wise choice for someone who is trying to stop drinking.”
No one here is required to take my advice, and I am not required to take anyone else’s advice. We are all adults here, but I like hearing different opinions and different angles because sometimes people see something I had “felt” in my gut but not seen clearly. It is all a learning process, and I am still learning….learning to set boundaries and enforce them. Learning to be patient. To not judge but to discern (as someone else said today).
Good luck Joy, I’m keeping my fingers crossed and am so glad that you are at peace with all this. ((((hugs))))
hey LF Fam–
I don’t even have time to read.
started new job– and I forgot how exhausting it can be to work with seniors all day–
Love to you all and I just want to say hello.
Hope I will have time to write later!
looks like a great post.