Imagine you can make yourself invisible (at will) and, thereby, effectively innoculate yourself against the consequences of your violating behaviors.
This playful scenario posits a power bordering on omnipotent. You can do what you want, when you want, to whom you want, secure in the knowledge that you can get away with it.
Your invisibility effectively liberates you from the normal rules and boundaries that regulate interpersonal conduct.
Now let’s be honest”¦with this power, how many of us would use it for our own amusement, and to our own advantage?
The true answer: most of us?
Remember, I said “let’s be honest.”
None of us, of course, so far as I know, possesses this power, thank goodness”¦and let me add that, while I suspect many of us would find some temptingly interesting ways to wield it, I am not suggesting that, endowed with such superpower, most of us would use it in cruel, hurtful ways.
As a matter of fact I think that, for many of us, possessing such a power would carry a burden. I imagine, for instance, a clash ensuing—a clash between opposing forces. That is, between a first force, call it our primitive thirst for self-gratification, and a second force (and the only force with the power to keep the first in check)—our conscience (our heeding of which enables us to sleep reasonably well at night).
So what am I getting at here?
Although I’m not suggesting that sociopaths operate with a belief in their literal invisibility, many of them, I am suggesting, operate with a metaphorically comparable mindset. I call it the immunity mindset.
The immunity mindset, as I’ve implied above, is a mentality characterized especially by the audacious belief and confidence that one can transgress others with, well, immunity.
It must be a heady feeling, indeed, to harbor the conviction that you can pull off sh*t most others would simply find too risky and, more importantly, too shameful to endeavor?
By way of example, imagine that you’re on a crowded subway and are seized with the lascivious impulse to grope an unsuspecting neighbor? The non-sociopath seized with such an impulse may consider it briefly, entertain and even enjoy the fantasy, but then retires it harmlessly.
He retires it for several reasons, chief among them his fear, first of all, of being caught, and just as deterrently, because he knows that the shame that would ensue from his action would supercede, probably greatly, the gratification to be enjoyed from his exploitive act.
Shame, we know, is a powerful deterrent against antisocial behavior. And so it follows that a lack of shame is a wonderful asset to carry into an exploitative endeavor.
Sociopaths, lacking and unencumbered by shame—specifically the anxiety, self-consciousness, negative self-judgement and nervousness that accompany shame—find themselves thus freely poised to engage in exploitative behaviors from which non-sociopaths will typically desist, and to do so, moreover, with the imperturbability of supremely composed individuals.
Their lack of shame, in other words, enables their composure.
In my subway example, the sociopath will grope his neighbor because, first of all, he wants to (and sociopaths, remember, do and take what they want); furthermore, because he lacks, as noted, the anticipatory shame that typically deters most of us from “acting-out” our violating impulses; and finally (and to the heart of this column), because he is as confident as if he were invisible that he will get away with his violation.
Let us imagine, for instance, that his victim whirls around and accuses the sociopath, publicly, of groping her. The non-sociopath would find such a public accusation mortifying. The sociopath, however, just as securely as though he’d been invisible, will calmly deny the charge, or else just as calmly finger the guy standing next to him as the guilty party.
He might say, with remarkable equanimity, “I don’t know what you’re talking about”¦you’ve got the wrong guy”¦.I wasn’t even standing here”¦so it couldn’t have been me. It was that guy.”
Now what kind of world is this in which the sociopath is living?
It is a world in which others are the ultimate objects with which to jerk around, toy, menace, and entertain himself: a world in which he, the sociopath, can imagine doing pretty much anything he wants to anyone, while enjoying, if not relishing, his perceived immunity from accountability.
This is another way of suggesting that many sociopaths aren’t just playing, in fantasy, the game of imagine if you were invisible, how would you exploit your power? Effectively, they are carrying this mentality, what I call the immunity mindset, into the real world.
It is a mindset steeped in a deep, grandiose sense of omnipotence; a mindset, I would add, that leaves the sociopath feeling empowered, and at liberty, to violate others sinisterly with his strange, striking, signature lack of worry, shame and constraint.
(My use of “he” in this, and other posts, is not to suggest that females are not capable of the behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
witsend
Oxy
the other day you posted a book and you said it was better than some of the others you had read. I am trying to order a few from amozon…Can you tell me the name of it?
Ox Drover
Dear Witsend,
Yes, it is “Savage Spawn, Reflections on Violent Children” by Jonathan Kellerman. He writes novels but is also a medical school teacher and a clinical psychologist.
The book almost DESCRIBES my P son. I got a copy of it (borrowed) and I have ordered more from Amazon.com used for $4.00 INCLUDING SHIPPING. In fact, I ordered a cuople of extra copies because I have some people I want to give this book to. Dr. Kellerman is an excellent writer and gives and excellent discription of young Ps in the book. Ones that he had dealt with in person as clients, but my guess is that what prompted him to write this book may have been a very personal experience. Man, he GETS IT! It would be a PERFECT BOOK for you to give a copy of to the guy from the “tough love” group and tell him to read it and he will understand your son! I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS BOOK, but it is VERY disturbing as well. It is small and easy to read but GETS THE POINT ACROSS WELL. (((hugs)))
witsend
Thanks Oxy!
harmony
Hello all!
I have been a regular reader of Lovefraud for 4 years and have contacted Donna on a few occassions. Lovefraud and everyone here has been my saving grace and sanity and I want to thank you all.
I feel i must post today the last 3 weeks have been extremely hard but uplifting for me. I feel PTSD returing but thank goodness not to the extent it was 4 years ago when i left me ex P.
4 years ago i went to the authorities and many other departments. I told my story about fraud, drugs and murder involving the ex P but unfortunately the evidence I had sent to a friend for safe keeping had been lost. I was treated by the local authorities as a nut case (i was wondering if i was losing my mind). None of the Government agencies believed or followed up any of my claims. I had no evidence. After being threatened to have my children removed from my care by these authorities I had to give up an move on with my life. Every ageny i contacted wrote back and said there was no fraud involved. What did they do send the P a letter and ask was he commiting fraud? Did they think he was just going to ‘fess up’?
Ive worked very hard hard at rebuilding my life and have started at university doing a counselling degree. My aim to eventually become a psychologist and help others deal with the trauma of aftermath caused by a PSN and study PS and Ns.
3 weeks ago my friend had been going through her paperwork at home and low and behold my evidence was found. I didnt know whether to laugh or cry. A few days later and I got angry. I sent a letter to the authorities and agencies who all but claimed me a ‘nut case’, along with the evidence. I felt paranoia and PTSD return. No surprise I have had no response from the authorities or the agencies. I wanted to to prove to everybody that I was telling the truth. Although I do not have evidence for some of my other claims I can at least prove some of them now. Why did i have to justify my sanity to the authorities? I am the sane one.
My ex P however has so many people involved in his fraud it involves accountants, legals, family and friends. I can only hope if this does get investigated now that some of these people choose to expose him rather than cover for him as they have been doing.
I threathened to expose him years ago so i know the system he used changed and evidence was hidden at friends houses. That was at the same time i sent him a letter saying I know all about him and how he operates as a psychopath. The same time i said ‘you now have no control over me’. Funny enough that was the last i heard from him. He has been lieing low for a few years ago with no recent convictions.
He threathened my life years ago if i exposed him. Although my paranoia has returned it is crucial to me to prove my sanity most of all.
My close friends and everyone on Lovefraud has been my source of sanity. A friend said to me ‘this information has come to you now because you are stronger and ready to deal with it.’ My ex P had me close to suicide through guilt 4 years ago. I beleive he wanted me dead so he could continue he fraudulant ways without bother.
Today I want answers and apologies from every agency and authority that tried to discredit me.
If i lose my life in the process at least I know it was for good and not evil.
I need to draw strength from you all at this time whilst i sit and wait for answers.
Thankyou all for keeping me sane.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
newlife08
Harmony,
I read your post with great sadness and familiarity. While my NSH has been making UNILTERAL financial decisions for years, the impact of what he has created is just coming to light.
He has not been involved in murder and has not amassed great wealth, but he did make a good amount of money -more than I certainly ever dreamed of – his pathology got the best of him and now he is drowning us in debt. He established multiple corporations, moved money from one to the other, took loan after loan – everyone thinks he is so successful. And now I waste money stopping him by court order from selling yet another asset and taking the money for himself. It is SOOO hard to believe this is the man I married 8 years ago.
I, like you — WANT JUSTICE. His family does not call me or the kids – after 22 years of being a good wife, they congratulate him on his NEW business venture – which he would not have accomplished without me. And now – his lawyer says I have no right to the business he just started – !!!!! Where do they think he got the money – he’s stashed it and sold assets to start it.
I am afraid for my future and my kids – I relied on his BS for retirement – and he has taken it all for himself now.
Between what he spent over the years on himself and other women – I am just sick. All the while he gave me the same house money every week and not a dime more.
I paid the majority of household bills from my salary – never taking much for myself.
I pray you get someone to listen and recoup some of what you have lost. I have little hope for myself and have a hard time accepting what he has already taken.
ember halo
i wrote a poem about my S that touches on his “immunity mindset”….
you fucking rip my heart out
and scorn me when i bleed
won’t hear me even if i shout
to tell you what i need
my soul is filled with pain & doubt
i wish that you would see
i’m filled with pain, unbearable pain
tears soak the page like acid rain
my broken heart in pieces bleeding
i try to push it together so desperately needing
your love & compassion & for you to be heeding
the pain that i feel is true & real
but you won’t acknowledge, so it won’t heal.
and yet… i love you still?!?
does it not matter
my heart here shattered
do I not matter
my life in tatters
all because i want your love
all because it’s you i love
even when push has come to shove
i sat by the phone wishing you’d call
i sit & i wait, have given you my all
so empty i have nothing left to give
& you won’t even give me enough to live
a simple “i love you, i’m sorry you’re hurting.
this is what happened, i’m not sitting here smirking!”
instead you’re so callous
and you say ‘rightfully so’
no love… malice for me is all that you show…
i’m thinking i need let go
let you keep what you’ve taken from me
broken hopes, shattered dreams
all that i am, all i hoped we would be
idyllic image of family…
delusional thoughts, all fantasy.
never will be, never could be
you don’t want to deal with me.
so… goodbye ‘my love’
i will let you be
happier, i’m sure
not dealing with “we.”
newlife08
Truthonmyside,
Thank you for sharing your story.
I cannot imagine the pain of him getting the kids and being strong enough to know that someday they will come to their own truth. It is so horrible to be up against someone you loved and realize they are a formidable enemy now – they have no interest at all in our welfare.
I never thought it could be this way between us – but somehow in a strange way I feel like I have lived this before and should have known better. Maybe I am just seeing what I could not before – he has been ruthless and horrible to me for a very long time. But it was more covered up and behind my back. I chose to too easily forgive the affairs and decisions he was making. I was afraid of losing him – never knowing about PD’s until after he was gone. It is so inexcusable that they get away with whatever they want – NO ONE has held him accountable yet.
I am hoping the courts will – I have worked all my life and contributed just as much if not more – yet he has set of businesses and investments – all in his name.
However, the debt – remortgage- loans – that he was good enough to charm me into signing .
It is so demeaning to even hear how he speaks to me now – his contempt is all out in the open as long as no witnesses are around.
I want sole physical custody – not joint. He set himself up around the corner so it would all look good. But he is not a fit parent . He is a 250 lb 6 ft KID himself.
I am on this site because I belong here with all the other tragic mind bending stories of loving the wrong person.
And all I ever wanted was a family………..now I have my kids but he will make me miserable till I die.
hens
Harmony – There is an old white haired man out in the boonies of oklahoma puttering out in his yard and listening to the birds and thinking about you………henry
hens
Ember Halo – You made me stop breathing for a moment as I read your poem – I remember your pain – but I dont feel it like you are now – give your self time and write more poetry for us please….
Iwonder
Hi LF gang. Just checking in and writing to let you know I still read the posts. I’m a year post-S. Still in financial ruin and am now looking for a new job but do not miss the ex one bit. I remember the pain and feel for all who are going through it now but let me reassure you all that this will pass. I last heard from the S 3 months ago. He told me he wanted to stop living off of women and get his own place, yadda, yadda, yadda. Also said he was sorry for what he did to me, yadda, yadda, yadda. I have been dating a great guy since January. No drama. And he has a job, a car and is a lawyer. It is so hard to trust again but I’m giving it a go. Sometimes I look back at the nightmare and wonder how I got sucked into the mess…the tangled web. I can’t express how much this blog helped me. Thanks guys.