Imagine you can make yourself invisible (at will) and, thereby, effectively innoculate yourself against the consequences of your violating behaviors.
This playful scenario posits a power bordering on omnipotent. You can do what you want, when you want, to whom you want, secure in the knowledge that you can get away with it.
Your invisibility effectively liberates you from the normal rules and boundaries that regulate interpersonal conduct.
Now let’s be honest”¦with this power, how many of us would use it for our own amusement, and to our own advantage?
The true answer: most of us?
Remember, I said “let’s be honest.”
None of us, of course, so far as I know, possesses this power, thank goodness”¦and let me add that, while I suspect many of us would find some temptingly interesting ways to wield it, I am not suggesting that, endowed with such superpower, most of us would use it in cruel, hurtful ways.
As a matter of fact I think that, for many of us, possessing such a power would carry a burden. I imagine, for instance, a clash ensuing—a clash between opposing forces. That is, between a first force, call it our primitive thirst for self-gratification, and a second force (and the only force with the power to keep the first in check)—our conscience (our heeding of which enables us to sleep reasonably well at night).
So what am I getting at here?
Although I’m not suggesting that sociopaths operate with a belief in their literal invisibility, many of them, I am suggesting, operate with a metaphorically comparable mindset. I call it the immunity mindset.
The immunity mindset, as I’ve implied above, is a mentality characterized especially by the audacious belief and confidence that one can transgress others with, well, immunity.
It must be a heady feeling, indeed, to harbor the conviction that you can pull off sh*t most others would simply find too risky and, more importantly, too shameful to endeavor?
By way of example, imagine that you’re on a crowded subway and are seized with the lascivious impulse to grope an unsuspecting neighbor? The non-sociopath seized with such an impulse may consider it briefly, entertain and even enjoy the fantasy, but then retires it harmlessly.
He retires it for several reasons, chief among them his fear, first of all, of being caught, and just as deterrently, because he knows that the shame that would ensue from his action would supercede, probably greatly, the gratification to be enjoyed from his exploitive act.
Shame, we know, is a powerful deterrent against antisocial behavior. And so it follows that a lack of shame is a wonderful asset to carry into an exploitative endeavor.
Sociopaths, lacking and unencumbered by shame—specifically the anxiety, self-consciousness, negative self-judgement and nervousness that accompany shame—find themselves thus freely poised to engage in exploitative behaviors from which non-sociopaths will typically desist, and to do so, moreover, with the imperturbability of supremely composed individuals.
Their lack of shame, in other words, enables their composure.
In my subway example, the sociopath will grope his neighbor because, first of all, he wants to (and sociopaths, remember, do and take what they want); furthermore, because he lacks, as noted, the anticipatory shame that typically deters most of us from “acting-out” our violating impulses; and finally (and to the heart of this column), because he is as confident as if he were invisible that he will get away with his violation.
Let us imagine, for instance, that his victim whirls around and accuses the sociopath, publicly, of groping her. The non-sociopath would find such a public accusation mortifying. The sociopath, however, just as securely as though he’d been invisible, will calmly deny the charge, or else just as calmly finger the guy standing next to him as the guilty party.
He might say, with remarkable equanimity, “I don’t know what you’re talking about”¦you’ve got the wrong guy”¦.I wasn’t even standing here”¦so it couldn’t have been me. It was that guy.”
Now what kind of world is this in which the sociopath is living?
It is a world in which others are the ultimate objects with which to jerk around, toy, menace, and entertain himself: a world in which he, the sociopath, can imagine doing pretty much anything he wants to anyone, while enjoying, if not relishing, his perceived immunity from accountability.
This is another way of suggesting that many sociopaths aren’t just playing, in fantasy, the game of imagine if you were invisible, how would you exploit your power? Effectively, they are carrying this mentality, what I call the immunity mindset, into the real world.
It is a mindset steeped in a deep, grandiose sense of omnipotence; a mindset, I would add, that leaves the sociopath feeling empowered, and at liberty, to violate others sinisterly with his strange, striking, signature lack of worry, shame and constraint.
(My use of “he” in this, and other posts, is not to suggest that females are not capable of the behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
hens
long time no see Iwonder – and good to see you here – we are both at one year – I think we know how we got sucked into the mess – at least i do – good to see you….
Rune
NewlifeNow: I think of you often. Yes, of course you belong here, along with all the other strong, wonderful, and blindsided people who tangled with pathological liars who had a hidden agenda.
No, sweetie, you couldn’t have “known better.” What! Did you have a Ph.D. in Psychology? Oh, wait! They can fool those just as well! You loved and trusted, just as a good and loving wife would, and he’s just something so far outside of normal that you couldn’t have guessed.
I’m glad to “see” you. I know this is so dreadfully difficult, but every day that you get up, hug the kids, pack lunches, keep breathing — every day that you keep going with your integrity intact is another win. And you are allowing for the Universe to make other solutions possible.
Stay strong as you stay patient.
Joy
Wow, Great new posters tonight! I came on solely because I was driving in my car and out of the blue I wondered if any one had heard from Akitameg. And tada here she was herself. Not just wearing her crown and some dancing shoes but newly employed. Way to go Girl! So happy for you. Had worried and prayed over you when you were so sad. Glad you are on the path to healing.
Stargazer, It is a bittersweet acceptance that I have done all I can. It is a bit of feeling like too little too late and why in God’s name was I so blind and in denial so long and at what cost now to the child I was half responsible for bringing here by helping her Dad pretend we were a happy family when it was all for show on his part and me blindly believing he wanted a real family again. All just a lie to complete his con to social services.
Ember Halo, What a voice, what a truth you have written. Been there. Felt that.
Harmony, truthonmyside, yellow rose So good to hear from others. We all just need to hang in together and keep supporting one another. There may not be justice in this world but I believe we will all one day have the perfect judge and he won’t be making mistakes or falling for the BS. Those Sp knees will bow and I can’t wait! And yep, I’ll be asking forgiveness for wishing my Fat ex with the big gut keels over and dies from his evil ways and his love of red meat! LOL!
I think we all belong here. Like Learned says the LF network like the verizon commercial all standing behind each other invisible but present and important in getting the job done. Service to others, better communication with ourselves, reaching out across distance to bring news and support.
Iwonder, Thanks for showing us a happy chapter in your book. We all need that hope of a brighter future. GG hope you are still here. Got a tissue for you if you need it:). I was there once upon a time. Only my perfect letters were written to be perfect answering machine messages because I wasn’t worthy of him actually answering and engaging me in conversation. I had been deleted. I felt your pain. Hope it is less.
Ox Drover
EmberHalo,
Your poem is one of the MOST MOVING poems I have ever read. It ought to be the “Official LF Poem” If that is not THE EXPRESSION of ALL OUR FEELINGS at one time or another in all this, I can’t think of what would be.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING IT! (((hugs))))
Ox Drover
Dear Iwonder,
Glad to hear from you sweetie! I am so glad that you are doing well. I’m glad your new beau is treating you well and if he ever shows up a RED FLAG, you take an iron skillet and BOINK him on the head as you kick his arse to the curb! Tell him you have a friend in Arkansas who will “clean his plow!” if he doesn’t treat you like a queen!!
Ox Drover
Dear Joy,
You sound so strong! I am glad,. so glad you are taking back your POWER! And, YES, we don’t ever need to forget that they will face the ULTIMATE JUDGE, as we all will, and he won’t accept their escuses. (((hugs)))
ThornBud
Stargazer, great post, and helpful too 🙂
I would like to add something to the part 3 (DO NOT BE A FRIENDS). It is not just about posibility to be friend with someone we are in love. It is more an issue about base of friendship (trust at the first place, respect, feeling security, having someone to lay on when u need a shoulder), and most of those things are absent after breaking up. The reason for not being a friends lies in reasons for breaking up love relation.
GG: U wrote many letters to ur ex, but still i guess u will never reach the amount of letters i wrote . Its medicaly known that writing is kind of relief, letting things out. We do feel we need to throw some things out, we need to be heard, because deep down we feel its an injustice what happened to us.
But this is vicious circle which inhibits u to accept the reality and move on. Someone here wrote: when u start thinking on that injustice and ur ex, START SINGING. It really helps. When u feel like writing letters, START SINGING INSTEAD.
She went NC, and NC results in NOT READING MAILS/LETTERS. What makes u believe she will read them? Would u feel better if u get to know that she threw ur letter without opening it???? And i am pretty sure she is doing it.
Stop writing mails/letters. U can not make her see what she doesnt want to see. Even if u get her back, it would be mercy or gratitude she (maybe) feels for u, not love. Do u really want such relation? I am sure u can get better. U can get only respect u feel for urself, and never expect others to respect u more than u respect ownself.
U just need to get ur selfrespect and selfesteem, and the best way to get it is to emerge urself in some social work, welfare, by helping helples people or even animals.
Gratitude for ur good deeds is not patr of LOVE, do not mix it. What u did for ur ex, u did it from love, u gave from love, and thats what counts. If she took it as granted or even used u , that is not ur fault, and if she really acted that way, she is never gonna accept it as reality. So, u are wasting ur energy and feelings, and all u are gonna get is more hurting.
We do not believe a lier becauze he is good in lies, but because we want to believe. So does she, so do u. U believe what u want to believe, she believes what she wants, and there is no power to change it.
If u are dreaming about unconditional love, forget it. The only unconditional love is parental love. We are giving to our children without any expectations to get something back, and the only thing we really want and need to get as feedback is THEIR HAPPINES.
Please, stop writing letters, it is ur quick sand..GO OUT from it, and that will be ur first step to healing. Consider ur ex dead..grive and cry…time will do the rest..but stop trying to get her back. She is dead for u. Full stop.
James
ember halo thanks for sharing your poetry. I enjoy reading it very much! I believe poems help us let go some of this internal emotional pain and then the healing starts….
I like to share one of my own…
The New Year for me
By James
Once abused and batted and used
My NPD just left me
A year of pain and dark days ahead of me
Crawling at first, then walking so slow
Wondering why my NPD left me
What more could I do!
What more could I give!
To save my NPD from leaving me
So now I walk a lonely road
So dark and cold, for I am so alone
But what is this I see!
A book on this road given to me
About a thing called NPD
I open the book and what a surprise
it is to me!
That other suffered by their NPD
Oh, what joy it’s to be
That other’s know about an NPD
Soon, I grow and feel stronger with each path I see.
Studying from my book on NPD
Learning from each page I read
Walking much faster, then before
When my NPD who left me
Now I look ahead with pride and joy
Knowing why my NPD could just use me
And throwing away our dreams that
can never be with any NPD.
I now look forward to the New Year
With knowledge of my NPD
Stronger and wiser then my NPD
Running not walking to meet my
New friends who also knows about their NPD
You can’t hide any more my NPD
You can’t take my heart and dreams away from me
No, my NPD, you will never take that From me
No never again for now I am free
from you my NPD
Blindsided
The immunity mindset (in my case) was exacerbated by the lack of help from the court system. In Missouri, it is a fact that female sociopaths (like my ex) can get away with anything — and the judge will not do anything about it. As I wrote in my, April, 2008 post. There were 5 different times during my 18 month long divorce where my ex violated restraining orders – and the judge did nothing each and every time.
I have seen this behaviour (from the judges) 100’s of times over the years. It is well known (in Missouri) by most female sociopaths / personality disorders that they can get away with lying and any other type of behaviour without fear of retribution.
Elizabeth Conley
The ironic thing about the Immunity Mindset is that most of the time the Sociopath is dead right about what he can get away with.
My children tend to wail “No fair!” a lot, when it seems like the sibling is getting away with something.
When I think about what the Cluster Bs I know of have gotten away with, I want to wail “No fair!” Unfortunately, it makes me sound like a whiny, spiteful child.
All we can do is distance ourselves from the problem person and refuse to play any more with them or their dupes.
When you go to court against a Cluster B, you stand a good chance of losing.
It’s “No Fair!”, but that’s life.