Today I’ve decided to tackle a different subject. Why? Because once again, just this week, I’ve been horrified by the sociopathic behaviour of a corporation towards one of my dearest friends. This friend of mine, I’ll call him Jack, is a hugely talented, dedicated professional who has worked all his life in the people industry. He is a Managing Director, and has the most incredible people-skills. Teams who work with him — even those who may have been somewhat disparate before his arrival — will galvanize together and with him to deliver outstanding results. He is, in my opinion, a superstar who genuinely cares for people and who gives his all to his employers. He’s always been that way. Oh — his input also ensures that his teams win countless national awards for their efforts.
Pretty good credentials eh, wouldn’t you think? Well, I would. And so would his team. And so does just about everybody who knows him – he has an incredible reputation, is well-liked, and fantastic at what he does, because he loves what he does. His most recent employer is a massive and well-respected organization who list among their values “honesty, integrity, courage and fairness”. Yes, they are big words. But those big words can be found in so many typically cheesy mission statements that are stuck up on so many walls of global businesses — and ignored. Jack and I are no strangers to corporate-speak. We’ve both played in the professional arena for most of our lives and have experienced many kinds of corporate animal along the way.
“But you know what, Mel?” he’d enthused at the beginning of last year “This is such a refreshing difference, because this company actually means what they say. They’re true to their values, and I’m really glad to be here!”
Pathalogical Lying
But”¦ and it’s a huge but”¦ his faith was mis-guided because, these values on which my dear friend and so many others had hung their hats, turned out to be nothing more than pathological lies.
“Oh, come along now Mel, isn’t that a bit harsh?” Yes, some people may well say that. And the thing is, it’s because so many people continue with that line whenever corporations behave badly towards their employees (and suppliers, and customers, and so many human beings who are touched by their actions) that they continue to get away with what I now term text-book corporate sociopathic behaviour.
“It’s a dog eat dog world out there!” “It’s not personal, it’s just business!” “Well, you’ve got to be tough to survive in this industry!” Those are typical examples of the excuses for poor behaviour that I hear time and time again during my professional career as a leadership and team development specialist. And it concerns me that it’s deemed “ok” to treat people in the business world in a completely different fashion from the “real” world. It’s “ok” to squeeze every last drop of loyalty from employees. It’s “ok” to promise great rewards, and then cull people at the whim of a new board executive who “didn’t like somebody’s face”
In business, human beings often become faceless numbers — and ambitious, hard-hitting leaders can get away with being ruthless manipulators. “The bottom line is king!” is a mantra that seems to excuse what I would deem inhuman behaviour towards the lifeblood of the organization – the human beings who make it happen. Figures, statistics and profit have taken over — yes, I realize, of course, that these elements are what make the wheels of industry turn. Don’t worry, I’m not turning in to some flakey hippy-type, burning josticks and spouting free-love and peace to all (well, not yet in any case!). I am a successful businesswoman myself. Of course I work to create money — that’s why I’m in business! But”¦ and here’s the important difference”¦ I know that my business depends on the people within it. My team. My clients. My suppliers. We have a simple mission statement “To create raving fans”. And that’s what we do. And in order to do that, we therefore have to be honest courageous, fair — and whatever other number of values Jack’s employers spouted as their guiding values. Makes sense, doesn’t it?
No Conscience
Jack’s employers, however, like so many other companies I have come across in my time, have proven themselves as little more than conmen who will manipulate the truth, believing themselves to be above the law, and turning on the very people who have upheld their banner for them — showing no remorse and no empathy. Hmmm”¦ does this ring any bells here?
Fine, some may suggest that I’m merely jumping on the sociopathic bandwagon to make a point. Others may say that I will spot psychopaths everywhere since I now know what to look out for. I say that my personal experience has now simply allowed me to pinpoint more clearly where those sociopathic tendencies are showing themselves within an organization. Whether it’s seeped in to the culture, whether it’s led and encouraged by the board, or whether it’s just the specific behaviour of an individual. How far it may have spread, and what steps can be taken to counter it. And, trust me – these behaviours can be so hard to spot, and can lull so many wide-eyed and loyal employees in to a false sense of security, that by the time they realise what’s happening it’s too late. Another all-too familiar story perhaps…?
Is it really right that people should come in to work and behave completely differently as human beings? There is an advert on British TV at the moment, asking why we behave aggressively when we’re driving cars, if we wouldn’t behave that way walking down a crowded street? It conveys its message in an amusing and clever way. And to me, it’s exactly the same thing in business. For many years (way before I knew anything about sociopathy!) I have been banging on about the dangers of what I call “corporate double-speak” — the business-babble language that seems to exist purely in the business world. Why say, for example, “we must secure more resources” when what they mean is “I could do with some more people—¦? In my mind, that kind of distancing terminology at the very least merely serve to depersonalize, and in the worst cases desensitizes to the point where we forget we are dealing with human beings. Real people who have real feelings and real lives! It’s clever and it’s subtle – but it’s brainwashing.
Control and Manipulation
Let me ask this in another way. How ‘just’ do you think it is that a company hires a highly respected and experienced people-manager on the promise of long employment and great rewards? That the same company encourages this manager to go out on a limb and “do things differently” in order to get the job done? And that at the flick of a switch, that same company then tells the manager (who has succeeded in achieving the impossible, through dedication, devotion, and putting years of valuable experience in to play) that they have decided on an organisational re-structure and that his role is no longer valid? Fair enough, you may say, business changes. Of course it does. I agree. But what I don’t agree with was the fact that this manager was then accompanied off the premises like a criminal, but wasn’t allowed to say anything to his team. In fact, he wasn’t given any further information — nor was he allowed to share his news or voice his fears to anyone else within the company. He was forbidden to answer calls and emails from his concerned staff. He was given no opportunity to ask for detailed explanations (“your case will be discussed at next week’s meeting — not before”). He was isolated in every sense of the word. Or, as another person put it, was treated to “Mushroom Management”… kept in the dark and fed on shit.
Now, I’d call that kind of behaviour abusive — wouldn’t you?
This treatment went on for over three weeks — can you imagine how his team must have been feeling, deserted by a boss they respect and admire? Are they really going to be willing or able to give their heart and soul again in the future — once bitten twice shy and all that. On top of that, does this kind of short-sighted decision-making really take in to account the long-term health of the company? Surely this is just another example of impulsive behaviour, and a failure to accept responsibility for such actions — you can bet your bottom dollar my friend will be paraded as the scapegoat, while ”˜those at the top’ continue to twist and turn their decisions, re-defining the goal-posts whenever boredom strikes again? Leaving the teams to wonder “what did I do wrong? Is it going to be me next” and forcing people to keep their heads down and walk gingerly over the scattered eggshells.
Does this sound familiar”¦?
At the end of the three weeks, by the way, this particular “values-driven” company went back on what they had promised in the first meeting, ultimately implying that my friend is a liar.
“There’s nothing we can do” said my friend’s solicitor “There were two of them in the meeting and one of you. It’s their word against yours.”
He is finally out of there, with a pretty measly pay-off, having been forced to sign a legal contract promising that he will never say anything derogatory about the company or about his treatment at their hands. His team, however, still have to wait another few days to be told the truth.
Corporate sociopathy to a tee, wouldn’t you agree? There are so many more examples, and I’m only just starting to get my teeth in to this massively unexplored area. So the business world had better watch out, because as you know, I’m not one to stay quiet.
Lizzy,
This guy coming to you rather than going to the authorities if he is feeling endangered seems to me to be TRIANGLING into a situation where he is Asking you to RESCUE him from his partner….which is a 3-handed game of “emotional musical chairs” of PERSECUTOR, RESCUER and VICTIM, with him playing the “victim” role, assigning the “persecutor” role to his partner and YOU get to be the “rescuer” and take on responsibility for the victim’s safety.
So if you consent to “play” this game then you are opting into another big DRAMA RAMA….how are YOU supposed to keep him safe if he will not speak to the cops? Is your role to CALL the cops when he is attacked because he doesn’t want to make that call? Then the partner can get mad at YOU instead of the current victim, when the VICTIM takes him BACK after the big fight where YOU call the cops. Sounds like a really good script for a big drama rama to me.
That’s why cops hate to get involved in domestic violence issues because when they start protecting the “victim” the victim then turns on THEM and the abuser ANDE the victim attack the cop.
Supposedly 85% of the PHYSICALLY ABUSED WOMEN take the abuser back, even after calling the cops, so I imagine that this is one of those cases where there is at least an 85% chance that the “victim” will take the abuser back.
Look at Hens, how many times did he and his X get into fights and violence and he took him back, and BACK AND BACK?????
So, you need more drama in your life WHY?
Hens is a guy or girl? I just got confused.
Hens is a guy.
Hens is a gay guy, who had a relation-shit (he coined that word!) with another gay guy who was most likely a psychopath. The guy would threaten to kill himself if Hens tossed him out, and would scratch his wrists in a suicide gesture, etc. would cheat on him, etc. just “typical” drama-rama. Hens kept feeling sorry for the jerk and kept trying to “help him” but at the same time enabled the guy by taking him back and back and back, until FINALLY (like most of us) SAW THE HANDWRITING ON THE WALL and started to heal and learn about psychopathic behavior and people who displayed this kind of PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR.
We all have done the same thing to one extent or another unless we GOT OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP the very first time the P cheated, lied, or abused us…but if we had done that, none of us would be here. I kept making excuses for MY son, my egg donor, my boy friend, and enabling them to continue their dysfunctional behavior.
Playing the “rescuer” of the “poor victim” and taking the consequences for THEIR BAD behavior. It is only when WE decide that we do not want to be involved in another “3-handed game” of DRAMA RAMA and either play the rescuer, victim, or persecutor….and in most relationships the game is played like “musical chairs” with the 3 people changing chairs from time to time.
The rescuer who is saving the victim from the abuser, gets tired of it and then criticizes the victim for not living their life the way the rescuer knows is the best way…..so then the rescuer becomes the persecutor, and the abuser becomes the victim….and round and round it goes….and it only stops when someone says ENOUGH I will not rescue you, or persecute you, and I refuse to be a victim either.
That is what we are here at LF to learn, how to stop being victims, or participating in the DRAMA RAMA at all in ANY capacity. We can’t save anyone else, we can only “save” ourselves. We can reach out a hand to someone else, but we can’t pull them to safety, they must do it themselves FOR themselves.
PANTHER or anyone else with the answer to my question…
Do you have a link or source for the ENRON documentary that you referenced? The one I found does not connect for me.
I read the book Conspiracy of Fools. Blew me away but think it a NORM for a lot of corporations. I have worked for great hospitals and for crappy ones. It was clear that spath attitude was top down. In my great hospital, spath attitude might dominate in a department but only for a short time. In my crappy hospital, spathy reined b/c it was so hard to fire someone. If ya can’t get rid of an spath, they manage to spread the misery until they cross a bigger spath. Obviously there was no solution, just an exit plan.
So how to retain the benefits of corps without the mindblowing damage? It seems the larger the organization, just the likelihood of spath infection is enough to undermine even the best of businesses. And we know it only takes one to mess a WHOLE lotta people.
Congratulations ElizabethBennet for the job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well done!
Feel reserved about the neighbour drama across the street as well.
Oxy-I was surprised that he came to me but I think he did cuz I have that police department connection. I definitely don’t want to be involved in that drama but I really hope that a violent situation doesn’t end up happening over there. It kind of puts me in a rock and a hard place. I just hope that nothing bad happens because I can’t rescue ANYONE from a situation like that. Cops do hate DV calls because they’re dangerous too. I don’t want the guy to come after me over anything.
I am just too busy being happy about my new job right now!
Lizzy,
Anytime you get involved with a situation where someone is ASKING YOU TO RESCUE THEM….when they ARE ABLE TO RESCUE THEMSELVES…then it is a SET UP FOR DRAMA.
I had a therapist tell me one time that “the ONLY legitimate ‘rescue’ is when you drag an UNCONSCIOUS person OR a YOUNG CHILD out of a burning building.” No matter how we try to JUSTIFY rescuing someone else, or giving them advice and they refuse to take it, and we then get angry….it is always a DRAMA RAMA.
I am throwing “stones” at your “glass house” but at the same time, I HAVE BEEN THERE LIZZY, I have been programmed to rescue others at my own COST, so I can see your tendency to do the same thing.
Just like the situation down the road from me with my 83 yr old neighbor that I call “grandpa” here. He was lonely so he hooked up with a psychopathic alcoholic, drug addict, “meth ho” he met in a Wally World parking lot. He is GONNA SAVE HER from her alcoholism and he LUVVVVVVVs her.. Well, she shows up every first of the month when he gets his check, and she gets him to spend it on cigs and booze and drugs, and then in a week or two she moves on down the road to the next stop on her mooching route, leaving him, with NO PHONE, NO ELECTRIC, NO FOOD, NO WATER….etc. and he is there alone, and he walks up the road trying to get others to loan him money or gasoline so he can go get her and beg her to come back.
He won’t let his daughter help him, in fact, he steals from her as well, but I CANNOT SAVE HIM. I wish I could, but I can’t. I do check on him starting about this time each month when she is not there, to make sure he has food and water, and I will take him a meal, or a jug of water, but NO GAS, AND NO MONEY….and if she is there, I keep on driving past. He is about “one bubble off of plumb” or “one sheet shy of a set of sails” or one “brick shy of a load” on his way to senility. He was a good friend and a good neighbor before his wife died and he was left so alone and lonely, but I can’t save him from himself or from her, and I won’t enable him to chase after her, but I would give a stray dog a meal and some water, and I think I owe it to him to feed him if he needs it, even if he is hungry because he is allowing her to take it away, but I won’t give THEM a single bite of food or water. If she is there, NOTHING, NADA, ZIP, ZERO—
Oxy-I don’t wanna be involved in it and I don’t want to rescue him. I can’t. I just talked to him again and I just listened to him and he said that helps. If they police officer calls me back I can run it by her but tell her that I don’t want to be a part of their issue. If he talks to me again I will tell him that he needs to call 911 if needed. He is very isolated and doesn’t have anyone to talk to. He has AIDS and has been sick a lot. I actually thought he wouldn’t be alive when I got back from Missouri. He was THAT sick and looks a lot better than he did. I don’t think he is at the point where he is ready to take any action. He is in the stage where he is just tolerating stuff but does get bothered my the temper displays.
Unfortunately he seems very spathy. He said that he is very secretive and he has caught him in some lies. He said they are basically living as roomates now and the guy is on dating type sites. I’m not going to get involved in it any further than just listening to him. He is going to have to be the one who finally gets sick of the behavior and gives him the boot. I think there could end up being a lot of drama surrounding it until it gets to that point. I won’t put myself in any kind of danger by getting too close to it. He only comes over and talks to me when the guy isn’t there.
Dear Lizzy,
It sounds to me like ONE BIG DRAMA RAMA, and while you may feel some empathy for him and the situation he is in, sometimes even LISTENING TO the pity ploy of someone who IS INVOLVED and CONTINUES TO BE INVOLVED with an abuser is more energy than we need to devote to others, when we NEED THAT ENERGY FOR OURSELVES.
While I do “feel sorry for” anyone who has AIDS and is SICK who has “no one to talk to” since he is obviously NOT ASKING FOR LEGITIMATE HELP because he intends to either throw this person out, or to actually DO something, you may only be feeding his need to “bad mouth” this person, and it very well may be a case of TWO ABUSERS alternating who is the victim this week, and who is the abuser.
There is also the thought that due to his illness being so far progressed that he may not be having his “elevator go all the way to the top” as well, since senility is part of the disease in the final stages.
My friend’s wife who is the drama queen and he is quite ill (stage 4 cardiac CHF and COPD as well as poorly controlled A-fib) LOVES to create drama and “vent” about how HE MISTREATS her, and she can find more diseases to “have” than a Merck’s manual. LOL I now refuse to listen to her vents….and set boundaries for her mouthing off….I change the subject and say “well, let’s talk about something more pleasant.” In order to see our friend (her husband) and I know there is not going to be a divorce or any changes in their dysfunctional relationship due to his poor health etc but I enjoy HIS COMPANY, and tolerate her because in order for my son and me to visit HIM we have to tolerate her. It NO LONGER BOTHERS ME AT ALL…she she says just goes in one ear and out the other. I couldn’t change HER, SO I changed the way I react to HER.
Right now, there is another person who is a distant situation who is bad mouthing me behind my back (actually every word she says about me has gotten back to me so it really isn’t BEHIND my back) but I am totally NC with her and intend to remain that way. It isn’t even an irritation because it is NOT IMPORTANT to me what she thinks about me, or how she behaves. I hated to admit it, but I think she is a co-abuser in her own life, and I don’t doubt that she has been abused, but at the same time, I realize now that she is ALSO an abuser.
Many times in our lives we come into contact with people who are involved in a CO-abusive situation, where the TRIANGLE GAME is the PATTERN OF THEIR LIVES. In fact, I have LIVED in that “game” way too much in my own life.
I am no longer willing to do that, and either cut those people out of my life entirely or just IGNORE their attempts to get me involved in their DRAMA. That also includes my neighbor, and the ONLY “reason” (or excuse) that I have anything to do with him even when his “girlfriend” is not around is that I realize he is in the EARLY STAGES of SENILITY. But, I am emotionally distant enough from him that I am not upset by it all like his daughter is. With my OWN EGG DONOR there is some emotional ties there that trigger me much more than “grandpa’s” situation does, plus, Grandpa’s situation does not ENDANGER ME.
I suggest that you make some HEALTHY relationships with HEALTHY people and avoid anyone who is deeply involved in the DRAMA RAMA. I think it sucks your energy when you need to be focusing on YOU and your new job. Maybe you can get yourself back on track financially and focus your energies on more positive things and less on the emotionally volitile people in your life. Good luck to you with your new job! When do you start?