I’ve been writing my next book and decided to share a piece of it. Here it is:
All my life, I’ve been surrounded by facts and figures about how many years you lose if you do certain things. Like smoke cigarettes. Or do drugs. Or drink too much alcohol. People like to threaten and motivate each other with scary statistics that encompass not only dangerous behaviors but also self-neglect. Like failing to exercise. Or skipping stress-reduction techniques.
“For every year you smoke, you take a year off your life.”
Something like that.
But I don’t think anyone knows how many years you lose to a psychopath. Not even counting the years you spend going crazy before you finally figure out what you’re dealing with; not counting the years you spend in fear for your life or for your children’s safety or whether you’ll get to see them the next day. Not counting the years you spend together, sharing a home and meals and a bed, snuggled up next to someone who could easily do you in and after a few years doesn’t hesitate to let you know that indeed, you might be done in.
Even if you don’t count all those years lost to the darkness, even if you just count the years spent trying to get away, trying to heal, there’s still got to be an enormous total impact on your body, soul, and psyche—a monumental cost to your essential being that cannot be repaid or restored even though you got out and in some way or other moved on. There’s got to be a wearing down and a wearing out that brings you to a stop years before you otherwise might have been finished with this world.
There’s a toll you have to pay when you link your life to a psychopath’s, and that toll is paid with your life.
But no one can tell you how much.
This post can also be found on hgbeverly.com.
I couldn’t believe he was so harsh and cruel
I would not compare meeting a sociopath with smoking. Smoking is something we choose consciously and we are aware of the consequences of it, so it is our fault. Meeting a sociopath and being his prey it is comparable to any type of fraud. We don’t choose to be scammed but we will have to fix the damage of it, even if it might imply entering extenuating and costly legal processes, etc.
In life there are many things we can not control, that are unfair and that we will have to fix. Sometimes there are people to blame for them and sometimes there is none, like many illnesses. How we react and solve the problems we encounter in life it is also our responsibility.
Two people with the same problem might solve it in different time delays and at a different costs. Some people might even linger all their lives on childhood issues. It would be a mistake not to realize when someone has become himself/herself part of their own problem and keeps blaming others for it. It doesn’t happen all the time, but it does happen, and we should be aware of it too.
It has been documented over and over again. The effects of childhood abuse continue well into adulthood. Blaming the victim for that fact is chillingly frightening. There should be awareness that some are prone to do so as if they know that of which they speak.
It has been documented over and over again. The effects of childhood abuse continue well into adulthood. Blaming the victim for that fact is chillingly frightening.
Kind of disagree with you, Catherine. As an adult survivor of narcissistic parents and the victim of a psychopath…trust me…it never goes away.
I am a good example of a survivor and have landed one job after another. I keep living and fighting for my life. It ain’t easy.
There is a bit of the ‘blame the victim’ in your blog. And I think you are wrong.
Just saying…
This comment was made in my opinion by either a person who stumbled on this article and has never been a victim of a sociopath and has no idea what they are saying and should never have commented, or a sociopath themselves who is trying to shame victims while also trying to mitigate the exposure and damage this site provides to the public. This site is RAID to the sociopathic cockroach. Very few expose their tactics and that is how they can so easily hide. Anyone who takes the time to comment on a subject they have no experience with, is suspect. Anyone trying to say take half responsibility for a liars. Comparing a dangerous compulsive and pathological liar with desire to harm others and has a complete lack of empathy after purposefully destroying the lives of those they feel are weak and deserve to be destroyed to a cigarette is ridiculous and exposes quite a bit about the post.
Thank you WantMyLifeBack2 for having the courage to say the obvious.
It is a triggering post.
Common sense humanity is non-existent and yes shame others seems like the most likely agenda.
Catharine, Your point is well taken that some things like drugs and alcohol may be done with our knowledge but often not. How many of us started smoking long before the health risks were known? How many addicts believed they would become addicted to drugs? How many can spot a psychopath before they innocently become a victim? Sure we are a blaming others but, in our lax and corrupt moral society, maybe they need to be blamed more. How else can we become educated and forewarned?
Great article.
This article can initiate a deep conversation about the health toll of interacting with spaths. There is lots of research on effects of childhood abuse (stress) – John Ratey’s books on the brain and Deepak Chopra’s Superbrain are a two books that address it. Gregg McBride wrote in “Weightless” about his “huge” weight/food issues and describes the abusive behavior of his parents. Nowhere in the book does he identify his mother as a s’path, though she exhibits all the traits. I feel for the guy … As a child all you know is “this” and though it may not feel right, it is a powerless position, and the effects can carry well into adulthood, and they can manifest physically as well as any other way. “S’path Stress”. the next health epidemic (that’s not meant to be serious, though I do think it is serious issue.)
Catherine,
You’re so right about some people lingering and dwelling all their lives on childhood issues.
As an example, I have a friend who suffers with very severe depression. Among other things, she remains upset about a Nun who called her Sweepea over sixty years ago. She was the shortest child in her classroom (still is under 5′ tall) and felt that Nun was picking on her. She didn’t tell anyone about that Nun’s name calling, so no one could intervene on her behalf. She felt singled out and bullied every day she attended that Nun’s classroom…and continues dwelling on that to this day. It’s not possible for her to even consider that this Nun might have thought that Sweepea was a term of endearment.
As I deal with my #2 sociopath’s erratic behaviors and lies, I’ve been slowly recalling childhood events that make me realize where I came from. Both of my parents had psychological issues. Observing their behaviors likely became my “normal”. As I used to say about my first sociopath spouse…real men drank beer and watched football (among other things), and I married a real man.
Flicka, my parents never warned me to avoid having close relationships with people like themselves. I’ve come to believe that I might have married sociopaths because that was what I was taught to look for…my parent’s version of normal. Maybe I saw some of the red flags and became gleefully drawn in like a moth to a flame.
One can differentiate between bullying and endearment by tone and so many other factors, which can only be picked up by being present at the moment. If any of my ‘friends’ ever invalidated me in such a manner that would be one boundary crossed putting an end to relations with the blame oriented frenemy.
PTSD can ‘linger’ years down the road.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/liza-long/5-reasons-i-wish-we-would_b_6502318.html
Thank you, Canuck. Catherine seems a bit misinformed about ‘PTSD’, which is a very real side-product of this kind of abuse.
Much harder for us to get out from under…
Not picking on you, Catherine, but I am a bit upset by your blog.
The cost of a Sociopath has been a long time coming. Thank you for an outstanding article.
The post below eloquently puts into words that which I wish to convey regarding victim blaming.
Catherine, at your convenience, please read and thanks.
http://emergingfrombroken.com/is-there-such-a-thing-as-justifiable-anger-for-victims-of-child-abuse/#more-5284
Sorry. This is the appropriate link…. http://emergingfrombroken.com/spiritual-abuse-when-the-name-of-god-is-used-to-guilt-and-shame/
It is not just childhood abuse that causes lasting effects. Yes there is emotional damage in all victims, and it can threaten the victim’s life but there are very real health concerns that affect the victim’s life span.
There is not enough education about the effects of the constant stress of being in an abusive relationship.
I have always been slim, I had a physically demanding job and could work as hard and lift as much as most men. I didn’t have high blood pressure or cholesterol, there was no history of heart problems in my family. I had no reason to have a heart attack yet one year after leaving my ex I drove myself to emergency thinking they would send me home saying I had gas or something. They put me on a heart monitor and whisked me away, I was in the middle of a heart attack.
They did all the tests, I had no blockages, no high blood pressure, or any of the other typical symptoms of heart disease but my heart was “broken”. They asked me if I had a prolonged illness, something that would have put a huge strain on my heart. I hadn’t, just 10 years of abuse.
I now have chronic heart failure and will live the rest of my life on medication and have had another heart attack and 2 strokes. I am limited in what I can do for work and live on welfare. After the financial abuse of my ex I struggle daily and face homelessness. A stress my heart sure doesn’t need.
Looking back I can see the heart condition started about a year or more before I left my ex N. Heartburn, irregular heart beat, dizziness, out of breath, more tired. But living under that kind of stress with a man who totally disregarded any on my health concerns I simply ignored any health issues I had.
After my heart attack I researched heart disease in abusive victims and there is a thing called Broken Heart Syndrome and it can kill you. 70% of domestic abuse victims end up with heart disease or some other chronic life threatening health concern.
We are literally talking about dying, shortening your life, not “just getting over it and moving on” or “choosing to stay a victim”.
In a society that barely acknowledges domestic abuse or psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists and has the attitude that victims should “just leave” we seldom hear that 75% of domestic homicides happen within 2 years of the victim leaving the abuser and 70 % of the victims will end up with life threatening health issues.
Domestic Abuse Kills! one way or another.
Here is a link http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/asc/faqs.html
They say it is curable if treated early enough. Like I said I ignored my symptoms and even after my first heart attack went back to work after one week instead of taking 6 weeks off (someone had to pay the bills) my meds were expensive so I didn’t take them and I am now paying a heavy cost for that. Please do not poo poo any health concerns you have.
You are right Ladywithatruck, unfortunately it is not just childhood abuse that causes lasting effects.
Please may we not substitute the term ‘childhood issues’ when referring to child abuse. For some reason the first post subtly differentiates between adults being abused and children being abused as different… (linger all their lives on childhood issues). Why would children be immune to abuse?
Just want to say Ladywithatruck that I am so very sorry your health and life have been destroyed. How many stories need to be heard for society to take heed of THE COST OF SOCIOPATHS?
Those with the power to make a difference do not believe, do not care or perhaps are unaware? But then again are not a lot of politicians snakes in suits? The power hungry become the powerful, which I believe makes this a sad place.
Canuck, I didn’t mean to sound woe is me. I feel quite good these days and I have an inner peace now that I am 4 years out of the relationship. I was suicidal when I left my ex and attempted but failed much to his chagrin. He encouraged me to try again because no man would ever want a psycho bitch like me anyway.
It was then that I vowed to live, thrive! I enjoy life so much now I can’t believe I ever wanted to die.
I agree totally on the childhood “issues”, I don’t know if my father was a narcissist but I know I cut him out of my life when I was in my 30’s and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I went to counselling for years, I made sure I was independent, self sufficient and I worked on my “childhood issues” for years. I checked with counselors when I was raising my son as a single mom to ensure I was raising him in a healthy way and not passing along the dysfunction I grew up with. I never let a man ever disrespect me and felt very healthy and past any scars from my childhood.
Then in my early 40’s I met my ex, he was nothing like my father, he was kind, gentle and never got angry. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.
I was not desperate for a man, I had lots of dates etc. but we just “clicked” it was the most romantic courtship I had ever experienced. Then we moved in together and everything changed. About a year after we got together, I had lost my job because he tampered with my vehicle and I couldn’t get to work, (of course I didn’t know he was responsible at the time) we were living in a remote area and he had started to physically abuse me but it was the emotional abuse that really got to me. I remember standing in his shop, his back was to me and I said, “You know when you talk to me like that I feel like I am 6 years old again and my dad is mad at me.” and he looked at me with such hatred in his eyes and said, “Your dad was nothing compared to me. I am 10 times worse.”
Why did I stay another 8 years? too long to get into now. All I mean to point out is, you can think you are healed and past it all until something triggers it and in a heart beat you are back in your childhood feeling helpless.
My dad always used to say that an adult can’t blame their parents for their hangups, if they can identify why they have hangups they can fix them. I say bullshit.
Especially in a child, when their whole personality, their beliefs about themselves are being formed. That never goes away. My dad used to call me Susie Q when he was happy with me and by my name when I was bad. I still hate being called by my name by the people who love me. I automatically think I am in shit.
You are so right, Ladywithatruck!
To not understand that people do not ‘choose’ to ‘remain a victim’ is strange to say the least!
I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother and the ex wife of 2 Ps. I have done counselling, fought against depression to the point even therapists told me to ‘take it easy’, worked hard and brought my 2 children up whilst doing all the above.
They are reasonable, well adjusted citizens despite all the odds…
And still…I still have unwanted memories bad dreams and moments of depression… even when others do not know.
I for one would not allow anyone to tell me that I ‘don’t know how to let go’, or am ‘clinging to the past’, or any of the ‘beauties’ that the insensitive ones bestow on us.
This post potentially triggers me. Or perhaps some comments do, I don’t know.
I sometimes do have intrusive memories despite my hard work to beat PTSD. Presently I have come to accept that those moments will happen, that they will not go away forever. PTSD is a very perplexing syndrome.
Some people may seem to ‘give up’ but I for one do not think that my assessment of them is the right one. What others feel no one has the slightest idea either, so we should not have too many ‘opinions’ of them!
Really, I have enough trying to manage my life, specially because I too am ill after years of emotional abuse. I have fibromyalgia and the chronic fatigue syndrome. I suffer severe pain every day, but I manage, yes.
I feel compassion for anyone who suffered this abuse, and I am far from ‘judging’ anyone!
I find this article timely as recently or over the past few years since I came to understand what I had been put through in a marriage I basically thought was a nightmare. It is also the never ending stress whether you can divorce or actually get away. I felt great relief when I actually did find out what it was that was wrong with my husband and why I felt so worn down and that every day was another issue.
It hasn’t changed things and I spent most of the marriage in therapy which I am sure made a difference. My husband is in an industry that gives him long hours on projects and to a degree I was thankful for that. I released that all the things I had wanted to do with my life or have had never materialized. What I wanted for myself or the kids unless I fought or gave everything I had did not happen.
I find that a bitter pill to swallow and money I had tried to save or having savings always seemed to be needed elsewhere over the years leaving us in financial difficulties.
My family has gone also and I never had the energy or time to see them as I felt humiliated by the issues I faced and could not talk to them about it. They would have never believed me or just ignored what I said. I think that is one of the biggest issues the isolation.
Even my children who seem to think Dad is fun and to them he is humorous but to me it is always having to deal with all the stress including his family who I realize have his issues and more. It is just never about you in a marriage to them. Ever comment they talk about themselves.
I also discovered it is not one disorder but several that you are dealing with in these type of people.
All you can do is look after yourself the best way that you can and minimize the impact. I have had to put my foot down about his family and a long lost niece who returned to start causing issues.
As sorry as I felt for her I realized I was no longer up to taking care of them or their issues. She had similar issues to my husband and I could recognize them in her.
I think that is also a matter of importance the you learn to recognize the issues these people cause to prevent you from waltzing back into the same patterns of behaviour.
My emotional, mental health and my physical well being has suffered but I did get help for myself.
My future is not going to include most of his family or people who try and suffocate me with their agenda.
It is a case of preservation and after having to deal with this in my own family and marrying a person with worse issues and his family it is time for me to have the peace of mind I deserve and rest from the strain of dealing with them.
I call it being once bitten like in the saying, ‘ once bitten twice shy.’
Thank you, Donna for your ability to enlighten people about the world of personality disordered.
This is a thoughtful excerpt of the book, bringing awareness of the destruction and the cost to many lives by even one sociopath. I personally appreciate this validation. The path of my spath father included evil behaviors, gas lighting, manipulation, criminal activities and turning extended family members against his own children, etc. The cruel behaviors of sociopaths have long term consequences for their victims, especially their children. Many of the spath’s crimes go undetected for decades because the spath is so charming and cunning. This serves as another feather in the cap for the spath; it is thrilling for the spath to again get away with their evil deeds.
As the daughter of a spath father, I paid emotional long term costs with panic attacks/anxiety, nightmares and memories of homelessness, threats and growing up in poverty. And the narcissistic spath father came to visit me in his sports cars to show off and laugh at our financial ruin. He knew my immigrant mother had no education, no car, no job and no family support. I think the heartlessness of my biological father is what hurt the most. These are all forms of trauma.
Being the child of a spath is also a bit more complex than a spath who is a lover, boyfriend or spouse. Children typically adore and love their parents. They share the DNA of a spath parent and the spath parent took part in their creation. I really had to do much soul searching on this fact in order to be at peace and have no contact. It is necessary for my well-being, and for my life!