By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
I often go to auctions and flea markets looking for “hidden treasures” to add to my collection of pottery and handmade baskets of split oak. One of the things I have learned to do is to look for subtle or hidden flaws in the things that I like to collect.
It isn’t uncommon to find pottery items that have been chipped or broken and then carefully mended. Sometimes the cracks are very subtle and difficult to detect. It isn’t unusual for me to see an item and get all “excited” about it, then upon closer inspection, find that there are some hidden cracks.
I got to thinking about the “hidden cracks” that are found in dysfunctional families as well. In my own, for example, we as a group tried to keep our “cracks” hidden from the community. As a teenager I frequently had something I wanted to do nixed by the adults with the phrase, “what would the neighbors think if they knew you did X, Y or Z?” It didn’t seem so much to be the actual act of doing something, but more about what the neighbors might think. Usually the thing I wanted to do that was denied was going to a school dance.
As I was growing up, I never thought of my own family as “abusive” or “dysfunctional,” though I did see other families with problems, such as alcoholism, infidelity or wife beating. My family would gossip about these people derisively, and I thought that our family was “better than” these other families because we didn’t engage in such antisocial behavior. (Little did I know!)
My uncle, the alcoholic wife beater
However, my mother’s brother (who I believe was a psychopath) was an alcoholic and a wife beater, but these facts were kept hidden from me and from the community at large until I was an adult. At that time, my uncle and his wife had (gasp!) gotten a divorce and he moved from out of state, where he and his wife had lived for many years, to our small farming community and built a house on part of my grandparents’ lands. (The part intended for him to inherit after my grandparents died.)
Of course, with him living in the community and being a “public drunk,” it was now no longer possible for my grandparents to hide either his alcoholism or his beating of his frequently changing girlfriends, who would run to the neighbors with black eyes, seeking immediate shelter. The cat was out of the bag and the community knew about my uncle’s antics. Even with this exposure in the community, my grandparents and my mother tried to keep up the façade, and seldom talked about what was going on with my uncle.
On the infrequent occasions when he would show up at our little local church and sit through a sermon, the hope was that he was finally getting sober. When he would go to rehab at the VA and spend a few days or weeks, the hope was again rekindled that this time he would change. Of course he never did.
My son, the murderer
When my son Patrick was arrested in Texas for murdering Jessica Witt in 1992, I, too, tried to keep up the facade of “being a nice normal family,” and kept the facts secret from all but my closest friends. If one of my extended family of cousins, or someone from the community, asked about my kids and where they were and what they were doing, I said that Patrick “lived in Texas and worked for the State of Texas.” This actually was “true,” as he was required by the Texas prison system to have a “job” inside prison. It wasn’t a “lie” I told myself, just not “the whole truth.”
Of course it was deception; it was hiding the crack in my “pottery” and trying to pass it off as “whole.” I felt shame that my son was a criminal. Somehow him being a criminal, a psychopath, reflected on me, and on my family. We weren’t really a “nice normal family,” but as long as I could keep the truth, the whole truth, from the community, then I didn’t have to feel the public shame of my son, my beloved son, being a common criminal, a monster. We could pretend to be a “nice normal family.”
Afraid to admit
When I first started writing articles here on LoveFraud, I posted them under my screen name of “Ox Drover,” because I still wasn’t ready to come out of the “closet” and admit publicly that my family was not “whole” and “normal.” Not ready to admit that I, as a mental health care professional, had failed so miserably in my own life.
As I healed, though, I came to realize that the shame is not mine, and should not be mine. I have done nothing “wrong.” I am not the one who killed Jessica, and I am not the one who should feel shame for Patrick having done so. Patrick is the one who should feel shame, though I know that he is actually proud of how violent his crime was.
I still don’t walk down the street with a sign of my back proclaiming “my son is a criminal,” but I no longer pretend that he isn’t, and if it is appropriate, I tell someone the whole truth, rather than cover it up.
Speaking in open court
Like many communities, especially small ones, the gossip flows hot and heavy. I have no doubt that people “talk about” the things that happened to our family back when the Trojan Horse psychopath, that my son sent to kill me, was arrested and caught having an affair with my other son’s wife. Both he and she went to jail/prison for trying to kill her husband and stealing money from my mother.
The day that I stood in front of the judge at the bail hearing for my daughter-in-law and the Trojan horse psychopath, and told in open court, in front of people I knew, what had happened, that they had been caught trying to kill my son, stolen money from my mother, and had taken “dirty pictures” in my mother’s home, I was so nervous I literally couldn’t see further than the ends of my eye lashes. My heart must have been beating 500 beats per minute as I stood there, baring for the entire community, the shame of our family falling apart.
It shouldn’t have been my shame, though. The people who did the bad acts should have owned it, but they didn’t. In fact, when the judge spoke to my daughter-in-law about her ties to the community (before he set bail), he asked her who she had in the community and she actually said, “Well, my husband’s family.” I almost choked that she would say such a thing after trying to kill her husband. The judge set her bail at $150,000. The district attorney said that without my “speech” to the judge, the bail would probably have been $2,500 or less.
The dysfunctional cracks in our family became totally public in that courtroom, and then again, a year later, when I had to testify at my son’s divorce hearing. I never did figure out why my daughter-in-law even showed up for the divorce hearing, along with the “support person” from the domestic violence shelter, where the court had released her when they let her out of jail, because she was homeless and had no other place to go. I found out later she had told the people at the shelter how she had been “abused” by her husband and his terrible family, especially me, the “mother-in-law from hell.” I never did understand why the support person with her from the shelter couldn’t figure out that my daughter-in-law was the one on probation, not her family.
Focusing on myself
Time has passed now, and I have started to focus on myself, my own enabling, my own cracks, and how I have patched them. The whole thing started out by focusing on “them” and how to cope with “them,” but now I am focusing on myself, focusing on the things I need to do to heal myself.
While a pottery vessel that is cracked can never be made “whole” again, it can still be functional and beautiful. I even sometimes now buy a piece of pottery I like, or a basket that has been mended, or one that needs mending, because I realize that being marred by chip or two doesn’t distract from either the beauty or usefulness of an item. Just as the “mended cracks” in my spirit and in my life I think don’t detract from either my own beauty or usefulness.
I also realize that the patina of wear and use in an antique item doesn’t make it less valuable than an identical item that is “new,” instead, they add to the value. We may not be a “nice, normal family” like my grandparents and my mother pretended we were, but there are some fantastic individuals in it, and those that are not “fantastic individuals” aren’t going to slime the rest of us with their shame. I’ll hold my head up both in my home and in my community, and if others gossip about us, that’s okay. If they are talking about me, they are leaving some other poor soul alone!
If you look closely you may see my Mended Cracks, but I’m no longer ashamed of them.
God bless.
Star,
Rules by themselves without any spiritual insight behidn them are silly. It depends on people involved. The question is whether this man is a shy man? If he isn’t, then he won’t need any coaxing.
For example in my own personal case I know he’s a man who both likes to plan and surprise. He likes the maximum effect. If I were to plan for him and us, then I’d spoil the surprise and actually make him insecure. All he wants from me is to rebuild my life and concentrate on that, and not be busy with his. He’s an introvert, and he has his own fears, but he isn’t shy.
You will know for yourself if he’s a planner and likes to take initiative. If he is, then it is best to sit back and enjoy yourself.
Yes men can be insecure and doubtful, but the above type of man will act when he fears another man might take the prize away.
The first time we ever kissed, he was flirting with other women and I with men that night. And while some woman sat in between us, making eyes at him, as we posed for a picture, and he had a woman in each of his arms, he ended up extending his arm beyond the physical possible almost to touch me. I had no interest in games and avoided him for a while, flirting with other men on the dancefloor… the moment I nearly ended up being the prize for another man (I was a bit drunk and actually had kissed this other man), he moved right onto the dancefloor. At first I hadn’t even noticed him. I was just dancing and suddenly ended up looking into his dazzling eyes, without realizing they were his, and I smiled. He smiled back. We each took a step and were locked in an instant. And he made damn sure that he had his arm around me the whole night, wouldn’t let me go. Admittedly he made a remark about his prior competition, expressing relief of the outcome.
Mind you, I didn’t do it on purpose. I was having fun and didn’t want to compeat with other women for his attention, so ended up giving him none and got me my own attention just to have fun, all with innocent intentions.
Other men would have been intimidated. The question is whether he’s an easily intimidated man or not? If he isn’t I wouldn’t worry to much about what he thinks of your flirting. At the most he might think you may not be ready to date yet, and is waiting in the background for the opportunity.
Darwinsmom: My ex was continually purchasing top-of-the-line merchandise only to lose it shortly thereafter, at which time he would replace it with either the same item, or the newer model, or possibly something “ultra de luxe.” Our credit card debt was staggering — close to six figures in the late eighties. My attorney said that he had never seen credit card debt at that level.
He also broke things all the time. If it was HIS, he replaced it immediately. If it was mine, it didn’t matter to him at all.
Divorced from gaslighter,
He lost and broke stuff all the time too. A walking disaster really. Even once broke the fridge!
darwinsom,
He is not shy about asking women to dance and so on, but he may be shy about making a move on me because of the unusual circumstances – that he sees me dancing and flirting with other guys and he sees all these guys hitting on me at the club. He could be a little insecure about this. For instance, a few weeks ago, I was dancing a few dances with a very advanced dancer, and we were flying all over the floor like dancing with the stars. Afterward, I danced with J, and he made some comment like he was thinking about taking a few private lessons. It almost sounded like he was a little insecure. I really don’t know what is going on, but I know he likes me. He just may be scared to make a move because we are stuck in classes together for the next year, and also because of the potential awkwardness at the clubs. He may be intimidated and feel he doesn’t stand a chance against all these younger/ or hot latin guys who flirt with me. Or the guys who are better dancers. Or maybe he’s just taking his time. Or maybe there are several woman he likes a lot? I just feel that the more time goes by, and the better of a dancer he becomes, the more women he will be dancing with, and I may be missing an opportunity for a really good man, while someone else comes along and puts herself out there. Life is short, and I’m too old to play games. I feel I gotta strike while the iron is hot. After too much time has gone by, it will just be awkward. We have some momentum going now. But it’s already getting awkward because I felt jealous when I saw him dancing with other attractive women at the club. It’s the first time that has ever happened. I wouldn’t be jealous if I knew his feelings for me one way or the other.
A friend of mine has sent me $300 for therapy to see if I can release some of this anxiety. While I’m not 100% keen on either of the two therapists I’ve had in the past year, I got a referral to an excellent hypnotist who helps with anxiety. The cost? A year of sessions for $300. I think I will do this – it seems to be meant to be.
I don’t want to scare him off by being too forward. But mostly I just wish I didn’t have to play games and just say how I feel. Either he’s on the same page or he isn’t. Like I said, several married couples I know said, they “just knew right away” that this was the person they were going to marry. It does happen to people, and it’s not always a bad thing – at least not for other people.
I know I can’t keep this up for much longer – if I continue to feel this way, and I can’t say anything to him, I may have to drop out of the class.
Star,
As I said, I think most people who feel a strong sudden attraction ‘know right away’… they won’t tell you though afterwards when nothing came off it. ANd you only end up hearing of the success stories afterwards.
It seems that you feel like you must do something, and your mind is set on that. I do think it’s unwise and you are rationalizing everything to support that need to act. And when people want to force the situation then that makes it a lost cause already. Especially since emotional relations develop over them, and do not do well long term when forced. I think you would benefit more in the long run for yourself by learning how to balance conflicting (fear and desire) feelings.
Nonetheless, I wish you luck.
I’m not trying to rationalize anything. I’m just expressing my feelings because this is really what I need to do. If I don’t do it with him, I need to do it elsewhere. I am tired of walking around not expressing myself. As for the people I know who said they “just knew” when they met their future husbands, they are all happily married and have strong marriages, and have been that way for years. I realize this is a site where many people got burned by having that feeling. But sometimes the gut feeling about someone can be an accurate indicator. There *can* be happiness in the world. There *are* good men out there. Not all people you feel attracted to in the first 6 weeks of knowing them are psychopaths. And it’s not always bad to say what you feel. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do if anything. I guess I’ll know on Thursday. I just would feel very upset with myself if I let an opportunity slip away because of fear. I’m tired of letting fear dictate my life. I would hate for us to start drifting apart from each other now after the momentum has built up – because no one wanted to make a move. It’s ridiculous. I am way too old to play games. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to let a guy know you really like him. Sometimes it takes more energy to hold it in, and that bound up energy prevents you from moving forward in your life. I realize that sometimes people you feel strongly about can be spaths, can hurt you, or can reject you. Love is always a risk. I don’t think this guy is a spath.
As I read about healthy relationships and talk with a lot of people who are in them, I have come to see that it’s really drama that scares men off, not feelings. We sometimes just cannot help how we feel. 🙂 I just don’t want to show my fears and insecurities to this guy. I don’t mind him knowing how much I like him. I’ve been showing it all along, and it has brought him closer. I’m mostly concerned about the fear and anxiety taking over. This is what I need to manage.
I have no reason to try and change how I feel or detach myself. It feels good to be excited around someone and to have all those nice feelings. The worse that can happen is that I’ll feel disappointed if he doesn’t feel the same way. Then I’ll move on. But if I just sit on the sidelines, I’ll never know, and I’ll never reach for that silver ring. I don’t have a problem with thinking big.
oops double post – see next one.
@Kim- you write: But, even as we are talking about the lovely pitcher, the one with the crack in it, it is also my experience that at some point I have to stop pouring myself into something that can’t absorb, or hold what I offer.
I wholeheartedly agree – that was what my dream was about – I was pouring into a cracked vessel and it was being wasted.
And for anyone who forgot – while I mention my lovely yellow old pot – it is the paint that is chipped but the pitcher itself has no holes or cracks…It is quite solid and strong and earthy. In my meditation I am a pitcher that is clean and white, gracefully shaped and purified -spotless- because my prayer is to be simply a conduit of God given blessings. Obviously people have their own imagery and interpretations but I want to be clear about mine and the difference between the real pot and the imagined one. (And I probably resemble my real pot in it’s earthy strength than the beautiful clean one but both are lovely and my chipped paint gives me character I suppose)…
@Stargazer – I completely second Kim’s message to you and Darwinsmom… and Skylar and so on…
You are giving this situation far too much emotional and mental energy. I caution you – and please understand – I am reading words on a computer screen and so I color them with my own experiences – but from what you are posting you sound ripe for being manipulated and hurt.
It sounds like you are in danger of losing yourself in the hoped for relationship because you have built up what you think he is more than really knowing. You may have danced with him for ten years and still if that is the only environment – which is rife with sexual heat – then you do not really know him at all. And the truth is you only know what he tells you and his actions in that cauldron of sexual energy.
You say J is everything you want and a real man. I would submit you do not even know this to be true – he is to some degree a blank slate and you have filled in what you want him to be – made small things mean much bigger things than they can possibly mean. (Please note – I say this not knowing every detail of your communication but base this on the idea that all you know him from is salsa dancing…) Sky nails it with this: Maintain proper emotional boundaries, just get to know him better outside the salsa setting….
If he agrees to meet with you outside the salsa setting, remember to maintain emotional boundaries. It isn’t just for your protection, boundaries are also to help HIM feel comfortable. Eventually, you will probably become closer, but take it slow.
A few things I would say to you about your concern and wanting to “speak your heart” to him. Healthy relationships generally do not start with such intense heat as you speak of here. That is generally a signal that somehow you are being attracted by some unconscious trigger that is pulling you into the powerful attraction that is also powerfully painful. You do not want to be in a relationship where you give up your power to another person. It sounds so nice to be able to be vulnerable and feel safe and almost child like protected emotionally by another.
As an adult – you need to stay strong and healthy and able to cut a person loose the minute they do any serious boundary crossing. For me that would start with lying or deception or physical and verbal aggression of any kind (towards another or me) and also any kind of unkind or cruel selfish behavior – no matter how innocuous seeming at first. Drugs, alcoholism and flirting with other women in front of me are right there at the top of the list as well.
I would suggest that you think of any dates as “practice dating”… You are practicing until you get it right. Go into any situation with the very clear intention that IT IS NOT A FOREVER DEAL…. THIS IS NOT TRUE LOVE… Because true love is built over time when a person can demonstrate they are there for you in thick or thin – like in Mel’s post about the brown eyed girl.
Star – I am reading all your comments and feelings about “letting THIS opportunity” slip away. I think you have no faith that the right relationship will come when you are ready. I know that when I finally was healing from my Malignant N I dated a few men. At first each presented as a potentially very desirable partner BUT for the first time in my life I was not willing to overlook nonsense and so I would fairly quickly stop seeing them. I kept the space open for someone better so that when that someone better came along I was not wasting time with someone who was not right for me. There is now someone wonderful filling that space but as much as I hate to admit it it did not happen until I gave up caring about it. That was so hard to do. I looked at others relationships like you do and was filled with worry and despair that I would ever know the peace and joy a real loving relationship can bring.
Lastly – your J sounds like he likes to dance and get out and meet people – and not all that shy. You are looking at your behavior and wondering if you are doing something to prevent him from approaching you – STOP THAT. You are making about you and how you are – if he wants you AS YOU ARE – then he will approach you. If you are jealous now and you say is you knew how he felt you would not be I believe you are fooling yourself. You sound obsessed with him rather than what you want… A loving relationship.
There are only a few possible outcomes to the situation and you are overly invested in one result with one man – J.
What you really want is a loving relationship with a man you find attractive. You need to detach from the idea that J is it – he has done nothing to prove he is it except for that you both have a biochemical reaction to each other. THAT IS NOT ENOUGH.
I am sorry to say this ladies but LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. You need integrity, kindness, a grown up – or you will be miserable.
So I am sure I have been too direct and off-putting but maybe someone else reading this has received some value if you have not.
I think the work you need to do is not with a therapist as it seems you have gone that route – rather with a notebook and a pen and do some personal inventorying of yourself to get yourself clear. Susan Elliot of “Getting Past Your Past” has a terrific book with a wonderful personal inventory that helps you clear away the emotional wreckage of your past so you can step forward into your future clean and free – which I see you expressing a desire to do – if only being full of regret and thinking your fear is holding you back.
I think what you fear is that you cannot trust yourself to not lose yourself in a relationship.
PS – just saw your post – he is a man not a silver ring.
Thanks, I will think about all the comments. BTW, I wasn’t referring to a man as a silver ring, but to a really wonderful relationship. I’m not sure what to make of all the comments. My concern personally is not how much I like him or all the feelings I feel around him, but the fear and anxiety due to self-doubt, like why am I not good enough for a really good man? I don’t usually have a problem around men I like – I speak freely around them. I’m just suddenly nervous with him because I like him so much. It’s never really happened before quite in this way. I will continue writing about it – maybe not here. I am not especially looking for advice on this site, but just an outlet to express myself, as this seems to be what is blocked right now. I have a lot of self-doubt and self-esteem issues about not being worthy, and this is what is coming up in the face of meeting a potentially really special person. Though it’s true that you don’t know the particulars of someone’s life by hanging out with them in a salsa class, I do sense people’s energy, and I give myself credit for knowing when someone radiates a type of energy that I respond to. It doesn’t happen very often.
Anyway, thanks everyone for taking the time to read my posts and to respond so thoughtfully. I really do appreciate it. I’ll keep you posted.
Star – you deserve a really wonderful relationship – I really do identify with what you are going through… I think that whatever has you thinking you are not good enough for a good man is the primary block to that relationship.
You do not need to feel excited or grateful for attention from someone interesting – you deserve kindness and love. It is just that not all people are capable of giving it.
Breathe and become secure that by yourself you are enough and can be happy and watch what the men you meet do – how they treat you and others – do they have personal integrity? Do not get attached to just one – take your time – understand that THEY ARE INTERVIEWING FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF BEING WITH YOU.