This week I’m inspired to write after receiving a distressing email from a friend of mine on Saturday night. This particular friend of mine is, like all of us here, someone who knows what it’s like to be conned and manipulated. Like so many of us, she struggled to make sense of what had happened — the explanations coming just as hard to herself as to her friends and family. Particularly, of course, those who had known her sociopathic husband and had also been taken in by his charming lies.
This particular lady, though, rather than hide herself away or hope things would just disappear, instead decided to write a book about her experiences. Now translated in to several languages, her story has helped and inspired people all around the world. To this day she continues to receive emails and letters thanking her for speaking out and giving others the courage to break free. To this day she also works tirelessly to help others understand the threat of the ”˜everyday’ sociopaths who live among us. And to this day she still remains baffled as to how some people continue to be so judgemental about her situation — people who, it’s quite clear, choose to pass criticism from a point of ignorance. Because for all of us here who know what it’s like, we understand the torture. We understand the diminishing self-esteem. We understand the manipulation. And we understand how difficult it is to explain to others. Whereas other people don’t — yet they seem compelled to share their hurtful words and opinions.
My friend is Mary Turner Thomson — she is a huge supporter of this site, and you’ll find her story in the blog section. Her book “The Bigamist” is a best-seller and at the end of last year it outsold every other Random House e-book in the USA. It’s a huge achievement and I believe it goes to show how relevant her story is today.
Amazon.com
So what prompted her to send me an email on Saturday night? She had been made aware of a comment that had been placed on Amazon.com regarding her story, and it had cut her to the quick. This is what it says:
“Although i found it a little repetitive and long-winded in parts, the story was still compelling and should be compulsory reading for anyone in an abusive/manipulating relationship or in the dating scene. Having said that, I’m still finding it hard to believe that this story is true! Yes, you can be blinded by love, conned etc but to have a man who works for the government and has no money for food?? Who year after year comes up with dire, life-threatening reasons for urgent large amounts of cash?? To never actually meet any of his family in 6 years?? 6 YEARS OF THIS?? I found it eye-opening and informative but at the same time I found it almost impossible to feel any kind of empathy for this daft, gullible woman. I’m sorry but anyone that stupid for that long is just asking to be taken for a ride….it’s just plain sad. And to liken it to the abuse suffered by rape and molestation victims in terms of not being ashamed to speak up…pfft…there is no choice in rape or molestation, whereas the author did have a choice and more or less allowed herself to be a victim…and that IS shameworthy.”
I know for a fact that her story is true. I also know that her ex, Will Jordan, is still at large in the USA and is still spinning the same tales and entrapping more women in similar situations — it seems that “the powers that be” have no power to stop him. I know as well that Mary has offered support, guidance and friendship to his subsequent victims, who have tracked her down as a result of reading her book. She also helped me in the early days — openly, honestly and with love, although at the time I was a stranger and she had no reason to trust me or welcome me in to her life. I am now proud to call her my friend.
So far as I’m concerned, that kind of behaviour demonstrates that Mary is far from being a person who could be described as ”˜a willing victim’. Far from it. She is feisty, sassy, accomplished, independent and (as I’m sure you can guess) one of those lovely people who just likes sharing and giving to others. Is that such a crime”¦?
Armchair experts and a baying crowd of critics can swap allegiance and have their opinions swayed by the smallest of changes. And yet these easily influenced people can sometimes hold the power between life and death. Remember the gladiators in the Roman Colosseum? The crowd’s chants could pressure the emperor’s thumbs up or down — the life of a man quite literally hanging in the balance.
Ignorance Is Bliss”¦?
Now, I’m all for people having an opinion — of course! What saddens me, though, is when a damning criticism is forthcoming from the basis of ignorance. It tells me how much further we have to go in order to educate people against the dangers of psychopaths and sociopaths among us. Yes, of course I understand that for those people who have never been entrapped, the story we have to tell can seem unbelievable. But that’s because, as we know, they’ve never been there. As I’ve said many times before, it’s because as a human race we tend to judge others by ourselves — we see things not as they are but as we are.
That’s how a charming, manipulative, ruthless sociopath can keep ”˜normal’ trusting people in their clutches. As we know from personal experience, it is not the ”˜stupid’ or ”˜gullible’ people who are targeted. Yes, OK, once it’s all out in the open we might beat ourselves up and think we must have been naive (“how could I have been so blind? How could I have been such a dunce?”) but that is a natural reaction from anyone who’s been a victim. I was told by a physiotherapist that this is the common response from people who’ve been in an accident. Guilt, shame and self-beat up — as if they could have done anything about it in the first place!
I know how hard it is to speak out. I understand how painful the process is to step back, reassess and make sense of what happened — whilst also maintaining a level of personal dignity, and eventually finding self-esteem and confidence. I also know how much those of us who do choose to put our head above the parapet after such an experience can indeed help others to pull through. I also understand that by doing so, we are opening ourselves up for criticism and blame.
In some cases it feels a little to me like the Ducking Stool favoured in britain during the middle-ages — have you heard of this? In the days where women were hunted down for being witches, a crowd would tie the accused in a chair that they’d then hold over water — the village pond or similar. The poor creature would then be ducked under the water to find out whether or not she was indeed a witch. If she didn’t drown it was perfectly clear that she was a witch. So she’d be taken off and burned at the stake on the grounds that they had proof of her satanic powers. If on the other hand she did drown, well then she obviously wasn’t a witch so they’d made a mistake. Oops! Damned if you do, damned if you don’t eh?
I Salute You
Well, in a way, you could say the same about all of us here who are choosing to speak out — in whatever format we may choose. We’re once again holding ourselves up for public judgement — often by those armchair critics I mentioned earlier, who judge from a place of ignorance. Harsh words may sting, and pointing fingers may hurt”¦ But you know what? I reckon it’s worth it. Because for every badly informed comment or response, there are many more who I know benefit from shared experiences.
The Ducking Stool may be an ancient relic, but the ignorant and fearful critics remain. That’s ok. Because little by little we can help to educate them about these dangers — and hopefully save them from having to experience it for themselves before, like us, they can fully understand what it means to be trapped by a sociopath. It’s easy to point the finger at those who stand up and speak out — and Mary, my friend, remember just how many thousands of people you are helping, just by being who you are. There is nothing’ shameworthy’ in what you did then, nor in what you continue to do now. I for one salute you.
There has been a picture quote doing the rounds among my Facebook friends this week, and I thought it would be relevant to share it here: “Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you”
With love and blessings to all here at Lovefraud — I salute you too. Because without you, there would be many more people (myself included) who might never have discovered the truth. Thank you.
I would say you are probably right, or close, Joanie.
I do know that from a WHO worldwide survey, it was concluded that on a scale of zero to 10, with zero being the least compassionate people surveyed and 10 being almost GOD LIKE regarding caring and compassion…I read in that study, which people from all parts of the world, in various socio-economic status’, were asked questions regarding caring and compassion and the majority of the people surveyed rated on that scale about a 4, if I recall correctly. I don’t have the study in front of me but I am sure it can be found somewhere on the internet. I know for sure it was a World Health Organization Research Study.
If that is true, lets say, for arguments sake, that 4% of the people who are alive, score so low on that scale, do we also include those who are perhaps not advanced as our modern societies? See my point? The answer to that was that the various people from these different parts of the world were presented with information that they were a tuned too or familiar with. So that the study actually did cross all boundaries.
I thought it fascinating and it’s been a while since I read it. But, if someone would really like the BIG BIG PICTURE, you may want to look up this report. I don’t remember when it was conducted, but not too many years ago, I am guessing.
Just a thought, since Joanie was tossing her thoughts out there…
When I finally started exposing my spath….. my family was so shocked. They could hardly believe someone like me, a white collar professional with a Master’s degree, 3 kids who are all exemplary kids in the community could’ve possibly put up with what I did.
Friends went so far as to say, “Wow, you were really holding in a lot. Or, “Do you think she REALLY didn’t know he was seeing another woman?” They think they for sure would’ve known. That is what can make “US” feel stupid, duped, HAD, deceived, tricked.
“Regular” people have no idea of how the spath can have a grip on us. My hairdresser has said, “You let THAT go?” I knew in my rational mind that I was putting up with some things I NEVER would’ve had this been a boyfriend, but I felt TOO far into it with kids and a family that I didn’t want to give up. It forces you to travel down a road that has good days and bad days – which you assume that everyone and every normal marriage go through.
Until bit by bit, it becomes unmistakeable that this is who this person is. Not one more excuse is believeable. They act out EVEN more, the chaos grows, the confusion….. but I finally just knew what I had to do to survive.
I finally knew I could no longer live like I was living. That I would have to admit that things had gone terribly wrong and yes, I was putting up a facade to the neighborhood and community. Most of us that live with spaths aren’t wearing our emotions on our sleeves.
As 20 years says…………………. most of us are….feisty, sassy, accomplished, independent” lovely people who like sharing and giving to others.”
That is part of our personality to be empathic, but tough.
oh and don’t forget… one of the trademarks too of the spath is isolation. He would rarely visit my family. If I went and took the kids it was “private time” for him.
Even though I did have my own life, people would say he was hard to get to know, but what I did see was a nice guy (charming) but my family found him distant.
His family never had a “real” conversation.
I love waking up early to see what people have posted while I’ve been asleep! 🙂
It is interesting to think of where folks might lie on a scale of compassion, or a scale of good boundaries… I don’t know if this has come up before on this forum, but I’ve been interested in a long time about the message(s) in Shel Silverstein’s book, The Giving Tree. My interpretation of the book’s meaning has changed over time, as I’ve awakened more with regard to boundaries and sociopathy. I’m curious what others think of it.
honestkindgiver, you are right on!!!
Oxy, I loved your example above about the frustration and judgment you used to feel towards the women at the DV shelter. I have often thought on this topic, something along these lines… “sure, these women are pitiful, weak creatures… NOW… but I wonder what they were like before they met this person who abused them?” I realized, I really don’t know, and I also realized, I bet that stereotype is waaaaaay off.
This actually made me realize (and made me angry!) that this perpetuated stereotype (the “type” of woman who is an abuse victim) was one of the very big reasons I DID NOT RECOGNIZE THAT I WAS BEING ABUSED. Because my experience did not look like what I’d seen portrayed… anywhere. I saw myself as a very strong person, a very kind, caring and compassionate person, with a good sense of humor, with a strong ability to assert myself when my husband was disrespecting my boundaries. I had a history of being this person, for 30 years before I met him. But you see, he is not normal. so the normal boundary-asserting I would do with him, which would work with a normal person, didn’t work with him! It worked *sometimes* or seemed to, and that’s what kept me hooked. Other times, though, it failed badly. And so I just mistakenly assumed that I wasn’t doing it “good enough” and I needed to try harder. This was NOT due to low self esteem. Rather, it was because I saw myself as a compassionate person with very good people skills, and I thought I could just keep trying and it honestly never occurred to me that HE was doing this. Randomly messing with me. (after awhile I figured it out… thankfully I was not TOO isolated… so I was able to maintain and continue some friendships outside of the marriage, where my “good communication and people skills” still worked quite well, thank you very much!).
So I began to see that it was maybe NOT me, NOT my failure to communicate or be compassionate or empathetic enough (to be able to read his mood well enough to know exactly which shape to twist myself into, so as not to spark a rage attack from him).
I was always SO calm around him. But inside, shaking. And occasionally… I’d go off and hide in the back of the closet and cry.
Wasn’t that nuts?
Thank God I got out. Thank God you guys did, or are getting out, too.
But what DO you all think of the book, The Giving Tree?
20 years, good morning.
I’ve always liked the story, The giving Tree.
The boy is selfish and the tree is selfless and never tires of giving. Interesting though, is that I always felt the moral was that we should be giving like the tree, so as not to be selfish like the boy. But I also thought that being like the tree was too giving, because the tree ended up being a stump. Yet, it’s like the story is only giving us 2 options: be selfish or be a stump. I chose to be a stump. It never occurred to me that one could just be a tree that says no.
I’m not sure that my interpretation of the book has changed. I’d be very interested in hearing how your interpretation has changed.
Good morning, Skylar!
When my kids were little and I was still living in my fantasy of having a happy, intact family, I thought it was a “beautiful story” of the selflessness of the tree, like the type of mother I thought I should be. Always giving, helping, sharing, nurturing.
It seemed to me that there was a sacrificial aspect to being a mother, but all I needed to do was “surrender to” that. And all would be cool. In fact, a book came out around that time, “Surrendering to Motherhood” and I thought it was a good book that applied to me. Another book, “The Sacrificial Mother” — anyway, let’s just say I gave Very Deep Thought to how to be the Very Best Mother to my children. And I was open to allowing the process to unfold. But I always wanted to be “exactly right” — I didn’t want to raise spoiled children! I didn’t want to raise neglected children! I wanted to do it “just right.”
I didn’t have a great role model in my own mom. She did the best she could, of course, but there were missing pieces. That’s just to say, I had to invent myself as a mother, taking a piece here, a piece there, and always with the very best of intentions.
Over time, I began to HATE the book, the Giving Tree. I started to see the stump aspect. I thought — how on earth could I ever have seen this as a good thing, something to aspire to? You know, a sainted Holy Mother of selflessness to the point of utterly disappearing, with ungrateful children who couldn’t even see that they’d turned their mother into a stump! (and the mother had allowed, even encouraged it!)
But now, I have a more benign view of it. I think the book is BRILLIANT. I think it is a cautionary tale, of how the impulse to be loving, kind, generous, giving, selfless can tip over into becoming a stump — if you are not vigilant.
it’s not good to be a stump. It’s not good for YOU, and it’s not good for your CHILDREN.
(I don’t want to set the example for my children to one day become stumps — right???)
So… for me now the message is that it is good to be giving, but it is neither good for the giver nor the receiver, to have it so unbalanced that one is always giving and one is always on the receiving end. I think it is my duty as a mother to teach my children that I am a human being, and they need to learn the joys of giving as well as the joys of receiving.
I also think that I was not taught this as a child. And that is why this is such an important book.
I am interested in how different people get different things from the book.
I was on the path to being a stump. No longer! 🙂
Hurray 20 years on not being a stump! Me too.
That’s a great interpretation.
Yes, it’s a sad story that’s for sure. A sad story about an unhealthy relationshit. For people who didn’t have healthy upbringings, and no guidance, it would have been better to make that more clear so that we can see that we don’t have to be one or the other.
For people raised by spaths there seems to be only two choices: enabler or selfish spath.
Kudos to you for realizing that your kids need balance. The sacrificial mother is the one with spath kids, especially if they had a spath father. As I learn more about this dynamic, I’m convinced that I would have been the WORST mother, with the most screwed up kids on the planet. With no boundaries, an enabling mentality and the most evil spath as a husband…only God could have saved my children. I’m glad that I didn’t have any. The spath didn’t want any and I’m grateful now.
What astounds me, though, is how many people think The Giving Tree is a lovely example of what TO do.
My kids attended a parochial (Christian) school in middle school, and once a year this book was trotted out and read in chapel to all of the kids, as an example of the “wonderful love” between the boy and the tree. I would nearly barf! But my interpretation was not the common one.
But I didn’t get the irony of the story when my kids were very small… and Shel Silverstein IS a very ironic writer anyhow… so I’m surprised I missed it!
Except that… I had been raised to be self-sacrificing and enabling and didn’t realize it.
It’s subtle stuff, at first. And then it is loud and clear. Took me awhile to catch on, though.
I think there are a lot of very subtle and profound messages in the book. For example… it starts off saying something like “the boy loved the tree… the tree loved the boy…” so it is clear that they both DO love each other. It’s not like one or both are evil.
I don’t think the story ends up necessarily with either of them being evil. I think they were just very misguided. Both of them.
But the tree is full of what it thinks is love and good intentions, and ends up screwing up badly because of those qualities.
I have found it so interesting that so many people can think that the tree turning into a stump at the end, is a HAPPY ending. That it’s like, you know, a “cycle of life” thing, like we are supposed to allow others to feed off of our energy until our souls and lifeforce are depleted, sometimes causing our deaths. A death of one sort or another.
Not good.
Unfortunately, dying is a part of living – an inevitability that cannot be forestalled or bargained away. Life is full of “deaths:” either outright passing of a loved one or the disintegration of an important relationship. All of these experiences can teach me something positive if I choose to remain open to learning.
The reference to others feeding off of our energies is a good example of a possible Life Lesson: are we really supposed to allow others to consume our Life Force from us, willingly? If that were so, then wouldn’t a sociopath be the “perfect” organism: no remorse, no conscience, no feelings, no regrets, ONLY existence? I cannot even conceive of how empty their lives are – I cannot wrap my head around the concept.
Interesting thread………..
This is a very interesting story and about an interesting book.
I can see a Christian school trotting this out as an example of how we are supposed to be….all giving and no taking. But…for what it is worth, I do NOT think that is what the Bible teaches.
Even about “forgiveness” we are told by many “Christians” that we must restore trust and must restore relationship with these people, but in fact, I think the examples in the Bible given show just the opposite, until there has been TESTING of the person’s remorse or repentence. The story of Joseph and him finding his brothers decades after they had sold him into slavery in Egypt. He is now a high official, second only to the king, and he recognizes his brothers but they don’t recognize him. He has long ago forgiven them (gotten the bitterness out of his heart toward time) but he wants to know WHAT KIND OF men they had become in the decades since he had seen them. He TESTS them by accusing them of crimes, throwing them in prison, then releasing them, until he saw what kind of men they had become under adverse circumstances and that they would now sacrifice their own freedom and lives to save his younger brother Benjamin and to prevent his father’s grief over losing Benjamin as he had lost Joseph. The brothers show they have changed, grown, and are not the same evil men they had been. So all ends well. But it is about restoring TRUST before we restore a close relationship.
As for the giving and giving….I think we need to under most circumstances take care of ourselves so we CAN continue to give SOME to others. If we give it all, we have nothing left to give later…or to take care of our own needs. I think we are encouraged to SHARE with others, but not to give everything and leave ourselves nothing.