This week I’m inspired to write after receiving a distressing email from a friend of mine on Saturday night. This particular friend of mine is, like all of us here, someone who knows what it’s like to be conned and manipulated. Like so many of us, she struggled to make sense of what had happened — the explanations coming just as hard to herself as to her friends and family. Particularly, of course, those who had known her sociopathic husband and had also been taken in by his charming lies.
This particular lady, though, rather than hide herself away or hope things would just disappear, instead decided to write a book about her experiences. Now translated in to several languages, her story has helped and inspired people all around the world. To this day she continues to receive emails and letters thanking her for speaking out and giving others the courage to break free. To this day she also works tirelessly to help others understand the threat of the ”˜everyday’ sociopaths who live among us. And to this day she still remains baffled as to how some people continue to be so judgemental about her situation — people who, it’s quite clear, choose to pass criticism from a point of ignorance. Because for all of us here who know what it’s like, we understand the torture. We understand the diminishing self-esteem. We understand the manipulation. And we understand how difficult it is to explain to others. Whereas other people don’t — yet they seem compelled to share their hurtful words and opinions.
My friend is Mary Turner Thomson — she is a huge supporter of this site, and you’ll find her story in the blog section. Her book “The Bigamist” is a best-seller and at the end of last year it outsold every other Random House e-book in the USA. It’s a huge achievement and I believe it goes to show how relevant her story is today.
Amazon.com
So what prompted her to send me an email on Saturday night? She had been made aware of a comment that had been placed on Amazon.com regarding her story, and it had cut her to the quick. This is what it says:
“Although i found it a little repetitive and long-winded in parts, the story was still compelling and should be compulsory reading for anyone in an abusive/manipulating relationship or in the dating scene. Having said that, I’m still finding it hard to believe that this story is true! Yes, you can be blinded by love, conned etc but to have a man who works for the government and has no money for food?? Who year after year comes up with dire, life-threatening reasons for urgent large amounts of cash?? To never actually meet any of his family in 6 years?? 6 YEARS OF THIS?? I found it eye-opening and informative but at the same time I found it almost impossible to feel any kind of empathy for this daft, gullible woman. I’m sorry but anyone that stupid for that long is just asking to be taken for a ride….it’s just plain sad. And to liken it to the abuse suffered by rape and molestation victims in terms of not being ashamed to speak up…pfft…there is no choice in rape or molestation, whereas the author did have a choice and more or less allowed herself to be a victim…and that IS shameworthy.”
I know for a fact that her story is true. I also know that her ex, Will Jordan, is still at large in the USA and is still spinning the same tales and entrapping more women in similar situations — it seems that “the powers that be” have no power to stop him. I know as well that Mary has offered support, guidance and friendship to his subsequent victims, who have tracked her down as a result of reading her book. She also helped me in the early days — openly, honestly and with love, although at the time I was a stranger and she had no reason to trust me or welcome me in to her life. I am now proud to call her my friend.
So far as I’m concerned, that kind of behaviour demonstrates that Mary is far from being a person who could be described as ”˜a willing victim’. Far from it. She is feisty, sassy, accomplished, independent and (as I’m sure you can guess) one of those lovely people who just likes sharing and giving to others. Is that such a crime”¦?
Armchair experts and a baying crowd of critics can swap allegiance and have their opinions swayed by the smallest of changes. And yet these easily influenced people can sometimes hold the power between life and death. Remember the gladiators in the Roman Colosseum? The crowd’s chants could pressure the emperor’s thumbs up or down — the life of a man quite literally hanging in the balance.
Ignorance Is Bliss”¦?
Now, I’m all for people having an opinion — of course! What saddens me, though, is when a damning criticism is forthcoming from the basis of ignorance. It tells me how much further we have to go in order to educate people against the dangers of psychopaths and sociopaths among us. Yes, of course I understand that for those people who have never been entrapped, the story we have to tell can seem unbelievable. But that’s because, as we know, they’ve never been there. As I’ve said many times before, it’s because as a human race we tend to judge others by ourselves — we see things not as they are but as we are.
That’s how a charming, manipulative, ruthless sociopath can keep ”˜normal’ trusting people in their clutches. As we know from personal experience, it is not the ”˜stupid’ or ”˜gullible’ people who are targeted. Yes, OK, once it’s all out in the open we might beat ourselves up and think we must have been naive (“how could I have been so blind? How could I have been such a dunce?”) but that is a natural reaction from anyone who’s been a victim. I was told by a physiotherapist that this is the common response from people who’ve been in an accident. Guilt, shame and self-beat up — as if they could have done anything about it in the first place!
I know how hard it is to speak out. I understand how painful the process is to step back, reassess and make sense of what happened — whilst also maintaining a level of personal dignity, and eventually finding self-esteem and confidence. I also know how much those of us who do choose to put our head above the parapet after such an experience can indeed help others to pull through. I also understand that by doing so, we are opening ourselves up for criticism and blame.
In some cases it feels a little to me like the Ducking Stool favoured in britain during the middle-ages — have you heard of this? In the days where women were hunted down for being witches, a crowd would tie the accused in a chair that they’d then hold over water — the village pond or similar. The poor creature would then be ducked under the water to find out whether or not she was indeed a witch. If she didn’t drown it was perfectly clear that she was a witch. So she’d be taken off and burned at the stake on the grounds that they had proof of her satanic powers. If on the other hand she did drown, well then she obviously wasn’t a witch so they’d made a mistake. Oops! Damned if you do, damned if you don’t eh?
I Salute You
Well, in a way, you could say the same about all of us here who are choosing to speak out — in whatever format we may choose. We’re once again holding ourselves up for public judgement — often by those armchair critics I mentioned earlier, who judge from a place of ignorance. Harsh words may sting, and pointing fingers may hurt”¦ But you know what? I reckon it’s worth it. Because for every badly informed comment or response, there are many more who I know benefit from shared experiences.
The Ducking Stool may be an ancient relic, but the ignorant and fearful critics remain. That’s ok. Because little by little we can help to educate them about these dangers — and hopefully save them from having to experience it for themselves before, like us, they can fully understand what it means to be trapped by a sociopath. It’s easy to point the finger at those who stand up and speak out — and Mary, my friend, remember just how many thousands of people you are helping, just by being who you are. There is nothing’ shameworthy’ in what you did then, nor in what you continue to do now. I for one salute you.
There has been a picture quote doing the rounds among my Facebook friends this week, and I thought it would be relevant to share it here: “Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you”
With love and blessings to all here at Lovefraud — I salute you too. Because without you, there would be many more people (myself included) who might never have discovered the truth. Thank you.
I have read Mary’s book, plus I interviewed other people who were taken in by Will Allen Jordan. As I said in my article on the topic, this guy was very, very good.
He did have accomplices, although I don’t know if any of his victims discovered who they were. He was adept at psychological manipulation. And he had superior IT skills. He was doing IT work in the office of a high-ranking British official – this was true. He created facsimiles of online banking websites that showed his accounts to have millions of dollars in them.
So he was manipulating his targets, getting other people to vouch for him, and showing evidence of his claims. I think he could have convinced anyone.
Furthermore, I also think anyone can fall for one con or another. I have seen con artists experiment to see what tactic will work on a particular target. They just keep probing for vulnerabilities until they find one.
Look at all the people who fell for Bernie Madoff.
Oh yes, Donna: very masterful and very skilled.
I have seen it the past ten years I have known this “IT”.
Oh yes, they all have ‘accomplices’, even if they are only ‘minions’ in the ‘good little worker bee army’…what they don’t realize is that as soon as “IT” is done with them, they get thrown away too!!!!!!!
Yes, anyone can fall for a con, one kind or another, but you have to look out for the red flags and they aren’t easy to spot. Someone earlier, in this thread, asked: ‘what is the answer, then?” Do I not date; do I not associate with people and stop looking for companionship?
I would say that I am quite happy being on my own, not in any relationship. I have my medical issues that keep me quite enough of company! Trust me.
Right: look at all the people who fell for Bernie Madoff…
prime example of one of the largest scams in history, ever!
And, ppaths and spaths are even more skilled because most of them has had this ‘difficulty’ from childhood on…
I was scammed in love and a little bit in money and a whole lot medically. They are just foul people with no appreciation for anyone but themselves nor do they have appreciation for life.
If a person wants to live that way, then,by all means STAY with them; if you foresee something other in your future than lies, being constantly confused, lied to and manipulated…THEN GET OUT and DONT LOOK BACK at these losers as soon as you are on to them because it never changes.
Dupey
WOW, Oxy, that’s a LIBRARY! Fifteen feet of books on psychopathy alone! I wonder if even Dr. Hare has that many himself!
Yes, I do agree. Individuals can be very different, and the kind of person who would fall for one kind of predator may avoid another kind of predator entirely. Looking beyond outright scams, I’ve often suspected for instance that the kind of person who would be taken in by a psychopath might be rather different from the kind of person who would end up with certain other kinds of abuser. Then too, one person might find themselves partnered with a jobless addict and out-and-out loser who constantly leeches off them, while another person might end up with partners who are far more competent in life but still oppressively controlling or abusive in other ways. The first type, obviously, would appeal more to someone whose weakness was “looking after needy people” and trying to “fix their problems”; the second, possibly, to someone who was looking for “security” of some kind, even at the cost of being mistreated.
Still, I’m sure there are some traits that make certain people more vulnerable across the board to the machinations of any kind of predator or abuser. One such trait is the tendency to doubt oneself and one’s own judgment—or conversely, to put too much trust in others, or in an intimate partner at any rate.
Another such trait is in the excellent article you wrote just a few days ago, about “saying yes to others” too often while ignoring one’s own needs. I suspect it’s the relative absence of healthy self-interest and self-caring that’s behind it all. If more people who are so absorbed in “doing” for others would stop and ask themselves “What is this doing for me?” and “What am I getting out of this relationship?”—or possibly “How will this affect me if such-and-such happens?”—then fewer people would end up being victimized.
Yea, Red, I’ve compulsively studied psychopaths and everything I could get my hands on about how they work, how they think, research into the brain and how it works…etc. and still I wonder about things….even read J. Reid Meloy (or tried to) to the point I finally came to the conclusion that the problem with me understanding his writings wasn’t with my understanding it was HIS problem with “word salad” and him trying to sound “imposing” with his 50-word sentences that didn’t make a lot of sense. I’m the queen of run-on sentences myself. In any case, I think his narcissism is a bit much for me and there was only one of his books actually made sense. LOL
It is also interesting that many of the “experts” or PhDs anyway who specialize in “studying” psychopaths don’t seem to recognize one unless it has on prison stripes. I won’t go into how I came to that conclusion in this forum but I’ve personally experienced an episode where an “expert” didn’t recognize the psychopath that spit in their eye.
As for my own falling for spaths….I have several shortcomings that left me vulnerable to the various cons, lack of boundaries with those within my “close” family and friends is only one of them. In the meantime, I keep on trying to learn what those short comings are, and to also learn to spot them “in the wild.” (learn the red flags if you will).
It’s all a learning process I guess, learning about them, but also learning about ourselves.
Skylar
There is a book that you may be interested in reading-perhaps you have already done so. It is by Carol Pearson and is called ‘The twelve archetypes-awakening the heroes withiin’ and comes from a spiritual/psychological viewpoint.
I haven’t read it in a while but one example is the Caregiver archetype. It gives the shadowside which is enabling and rescuing and the light side which is to ‘give without maiming self and others’.
You may find it interesting as well as others who are on a spiritual/psychological path.
Just thought I would mention it as I found it quite a healing book when I needed it.
http://changingminds.org/disciplines/storytelling/characters/pearson_archetypes.htm
It also expalins the psychopath in the villains category.
STJ
xxx
STJ,
I have heard of the book and would like to read it.
The website you linked is pretty interesting too. thanks!
Skylar
The reason I recommended it to you is because I KNOW that you are a fellow intuitive and may be interested in archetypes.
Hope you don’t mind-the caregiver-as I know you to be because of your family history made me think of you.
Take care
STJ
xxx
STJ,
yes, you’re right. I’m an INTP and I fit the caretaker. I also like the idea that we don’t have to stay in one archetype.
Skylar
I also think you are heavily influenced by the sage and the creator.
I fluctuate between the orphan-caregiver, creator and sage.
STJ
xxx
STJ,
I also resonate with the magician. there is a need for external and internal transformation.