UPDATED FOR 2021. Sociopaths are hiding in all segments of society. They can be male, female, all races, all religions, all ethnic groups, old, young, rich, poor, good-looking, homely. Only one aspect of their appearance may hint at their personality disorder:
The eyes of a sociopath.
If you’ve had any type of involvement with a sociopath, you may have noticed some weirdness about the person’s eyes. You may see this in one or more ways, such as:
Intense eye contact
In my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud one of the 10 warning signs is intense eye contact. To gather information for the book, I conducted the Lovefraud Romantic Partners Survey. Of the 1,352 survey respondents, 59% of them reported that their sociopathic partner engaged in intense eye contact.
Here’s how one woman described the moment she met the sociopath:
It was the most intense eye contact that I have ever experienced. So much so that it was all I could describe years later when I recalled “how we met.” — His eyes burned into my soul even though they were brown, and I didn’t like brown eyes!
Read more: Everyday sociopaths — master manipulators who live all around us
The stare
Many Lovefraud readers also mention the eyes of a sociopath and how the sociopaths stared at them. Here’s a recent email from a man about his ex-wife:
It has been my experience with a sociopath ex-wife that there are different reasons behind the stare. I saw the angry predator stare but I also saw other stares.
Before I started dating my wife I would catch her staring at me in church and I would think that this woman is interested in me, let’s go talk to her. She had two sons by two different men; one was eight and the other was four.
The first three weeks were great, then for some unknown reason she started expressing her anger at me. At first it was over small things but eventually grew into full time hatred. I would catch her staring at me at different times and wonder what she was doing. Turns out she was studying me very closely.
I learned in church that everything was either good or evil, moral or immoral. But studying psychology, I found a third category: amoral or non-moral. Money is amoral; it is neither good nor evil, but how people use it shows their heart is good or evil. Emotions are also amoral they are neither good nor evil, but how you choose to react to them makes you good or evil.
My father when angry would raise his voice and yell, so I followed his example as an adult and as a father. I saw, however, that not everyone yelled when angry. Some got very quiet, some would leave and come back later when calmed down.
My ex-wife would provoke me to anger with insults or other unkind words. I chose one day to pick a different reaction when angry. I would blow it off or be quiet. My ex-wife picked up on this right away and said in frustration that I was unpredictable when angry: You used to yell, now you just blow it off. I was floored at how quick she pick up on this change in my behavior and how it frustrated her attempts to provoke me to anger. I thought either she has an IQ in the four-digit range, or she has experience in this area before.
The stare was her studying my emotions and my chosen reactions to my emotions. She could read me like a book, and manipulated me to get her desired reaction out of me. I was amazed. I saw that she did this with everyone and could very easy manipulate others to her will.
Lifeless eyes
This is what I sometimes saw with my ex-husband. When he wasn’t actively engaged in manipulating me or someone else, his eyes seemed to indicate that there was nobody home inside.
In two Lovefraud surveys, I asked respondents if they agreed with this statement about their disordered romantic partners: “Sometimes, the individual’s eyes seemed to be lifeless.” In the Romantic Partner Survey, 60% of respondents agreed. In the Female Sociopath Survey, 57% of respondents agreed.
Because sociopaths can be so charming, exciting and magnetic, it can be difficult to spot this characteristic of lifeless eyes. Sometimes the best place to see it is in a photograph.
Black eyes
I’ve had several people tell me that when the sociopath was in a rage, his eyes turned totally black. I’ve only heard this about male sociopaths so far — if anyone has seen this in a female, please let me know.
Here’s a letter from a woman who was married to a male sociopath.
One occurrence to this day puts chills up my spine and tears in my eyes.
The night my husband held me at gunpoint with a loaded hunting rifle, something terrifying happened. My husband’s eyes are bright, light blue. He has beautiful eyes, so bright you notice them from across a room.
But that night, when he attacked me, his eyes were black. Not just black, but so black it goes beyond words. If you’ve ever watched the movie Amityville Horror, there’s a scene when the father has become deeply possessed and he turns on his family.
MY SPOUSE LOOKED 100% IDENTICAL TO THAT MAN!
AFTER THE INCIDENT I BEGAN TO QUESTION MY SANITY. BLUE EYES DON’T TURN BLACK. EYES CHANGE COLOR, BUT NO HUMAN HAS EYES LIKE THAT.
I researched it, and lo and behold there have been numerous cases dealing with narcissists and/or sociopaths where blue eyes were noted to have turned black when they were enraged!
How horrifying is that? It’s as though there is another being inside these people!
I still have nightmares. Never before nor since has he ever demonstrated that behavior. He says he doesn’t remember any of it. (No, I don’t think drugs and I know no alcohol was involved.)
Please warn your readers.
There’s a physiological reason for eyes turning black. Anger activates the sympathetic nervous system. This is the part of the autonomic nervous system from the primitive, cave man part of the brain that creates the “fight or flight” response. It triggers rapid breathing, increased heart rate and blood pressure, more adrenaline in the bloodstream and dilation of the pupils, which are the black parts of the eye.
The dilated pupils make the eyes seem black. They indicate that the person’s brain perceives a threat and is preparing to respond with aggression. You don’t want to be the object of possible aggression.
Pay attention to the eyes of a sociopath
If you experience intense eye contact, or see the predatory stare, lifeless eyes, or frightening black eyes, know that these are the only possible physical signs that you are involved with a sociopath.
You may only see the scary eyes of a sociopath for only a moment, before he or she regains control and starts love bombing or manipulating you. Do not doubt your perception. Do not tell yourself that you are imagining things.
It’s said that the eyes are the windows of the soul. If you see eyes that make you doubt there is a soul inside, pay attention. You may have just seen the truth.
Lovefraud originally published this article on Oct. 27, 2014.
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Oh that predatory stare…if only I had known what it was when I first saw it. When I first started accepting that I had been in a relationship with a spath, I quickly had flashbacks to the day I was “captured” by those eyes. There was a look in those eyes I had never seen before but at the time, I thought, “wow – he must really like me!” As Donna states at the end of her post – pay attention to the eyes and looks as they tell a lot!
I’d also like to suggest that spaths know very well the power of their eyes and know how to use that power. Right before the breakup I discovered some online correspondence from by my ex-spath to a “friend” of his wherein he says “I felt like a sorcerer when I learned how powerful my eyes could be”
In my case, his eyes weren’t powerful, but they often had an empty, blank look to them which creeped me out a bit when we dated, and is really creepy now. His mug shot shows the emptiness that’s in his mind. It’s hard for me to look at. When I attend his parole hearings I see the emptiness whenever he is asked questions that involve feelings or thoughts about victimizing me. He just has this blank look as if he doesn’t understand the questions, which I’m sure he doesn’t.
People in my life were uncomfortable around him from the first time they met him, even though nothing happened that should have bothered them. I believe it was their natural instinct warning them about him. Some people would tell me they were uncomfortable around him, others just distanced themselves from him. At the time I kind of felt bad for him, but I felt it too, I just pushed it out of my mind.
Our minds are equipped with the natural instinct that recognizes danger when it is present. Don’t ignore the warnings.
It was the same way with both of the sociopaths I married. The first one had a look that came over him, almost like a demonic stare, like his face would change from “empty” to “satan” for lack of a better description. It was the scariest thing. The second one was different. From almost the moment we met, his eyes stared into mine, said he couldn’t get over how beautiful I was. He could stare for a long time at me when we were dancing or eating dinner, always acting like he just was so in love he couldn’t take his eyes off of me. Not knowing the signs, I thought he was (doh). Anyway, as the “relationship” progressed, his expressions and “stares” totally changed, especially after he “had me” and we were married which was NOT long at all after we met since he rushed it and made me think he couldn’t stand to be without me. For the years after that (almost 11) the only times he would then stare at me were when he was very angry to intimidate me and at other times I would think it was the old “admiration” coming back and then he would make a really really stupid face, like cross his eyes or something. I think it was a way to make me feel bad and stupid. I know this sounds totally weird but it’s the only way I know how to describe it. The rest of the time he just sort of stared into space or at the TV unless he was trying to win someone over to his side.
The sociopath in my life (female) had blue eyes. They were not particularly frightening or soul-less, but that did not matter as her behaviour was odd and discordant. I don’t mean ‘odd’ in a quirky/cute sense, as you know, but acting out in extreme ways.
I used to hate to listen to her stories (astrology indicated she had ‘illustrative talent’, but I did not witness that…) She bored me senseless.
She tried too hard. Most of all, she made a big issue out of every single human encounter…every tiny event. And she went on and one with it…
Her manipulations and mechanizations permeated everywhere. I still remain confounded as to how she was able to get so many of us to do her bidding.
Barb – I can relate with you. I still don’t understand how the sociopath has anyone left on her side. She has burned all her bridges with everyone. Mine actually has no one left to manipulate and steal from and bully, except for her mother and sister. Why her family puts up with the abuse they go through EVERYDAY, I don’t know. I was able to cut my ties and refuse to have this person in my life because I have no blood connection to her.
But if I had anyone in my family who was so manipulative and evil, and caused constant chaos and disrupted my life every day. I would cut ties with them. family or not. My sociopath truly thinks that her actions are justified, that she is entitled to Whatever she wants.
But the only people she has left to bully and manipulate is her immediate family. Other family such as her aunts and uncles and cousins, they will have nothing to do with her. They will not even attend family holidays or get togethers, because they don’t want to chance running into her.
I am very familiar with that stare. If I had never been a victim of a sociopath I would not know or recognize the sociopathic stare. But the only thing that has helped me to get through all that I’ve been through is knowledge and the more knowledge I have is how I have been able to protect myself from that same sociopath. Maybe I’ve had other encounters with sociopaths in the past and never knew it. It wasn’t until I became the target of one that I noticed the eyes. And even now knowing what I’m dealing with it, I don’t think that people recognize how cold it empty the eyes are. A lot of people have told me that my sociopath looks unstable and has crazy eyes.
The only other person that said there was an emptiness look about the sociopath, was the victim before me.
I don’t usually go around telling everybody about my ordeal and the horrific things that were done to me and my family. I’m just still trying to put it behind me.
After reading this article I started to think is it just after being targeted and victimized that we notice the coldness of the eyes. Or is there evidence else where, like pictures? And then I suddenly remember my sociopaths mug shot. Normally blue eyed, in that mug shot picture the eyes are dark. And there is absolutely nothing in those eyes. Not even anger. Not fear, sadness. It kinda gives me a chill up my spine to look at it again. I so wish I could everyone could see this picture/mugshot. It is probably One of the creepiest and most frightening things I have Seen.
But the strange thing is, it is really that mug shot that shows the true deadness behind my sociopath. Other pictures Look “normal”
I accidentally pushed publish, so the last part of that probably did not make sense. But what I was saying is until this article, I never thought about if there were pictures that showed the eyes being so blank. Until I remembered that mug shot and it is a scary picture. There is nothing behind those eyes there is just nothing there… I have to wonder, what is there? Again it puts me back into thinking why is this person so evil, what motivates them to be so ugly and nasty..
That is something I have thought too many times. And even obsessed over it. And I am done obsessing and thinking because I know I will never get the answer and I have accepted that. and I realize that it’s probably better that way
This article gave me cold chills, because my ex-spath’s eyes were such an issue… with so many people, after his dark, secret life came to light. Prior to his exposure, I never noticed it. We were together 26 years, and his eyes “lit up” every time he looked at me, til the last day, when I had to end the marriage. I remember his eyes so warm, and full of “love” before he was exposed.
Now, 3 years out, I have realized that our kids and I were just medication to him. He has to medicate himself with companionship daily, so his eyes lit up when he got home to his medication. That’s why he kept us so long, while he lived a secret life full of hookers.
Once he was exposed, he totally cracked apart and that’s when his eyes became lifeless at times. A casual acquaintance saw him at a gala and wrote me, “I saw your ex. I told my husband, ‘Stay away from him. He has dead, scary eyes’.”
Like so many of your experiences, after he cracked apart, part of my life became him getting arrested. His mugshot had such lifeless eyes that his brother called me and said, “My wife and I were shocked. He looks so dead inside. His eyes are completely lifeless.”
He broke in on me one day, early on a Saturday morning. I went downstairs to confront him (at this point I didn’t realize how dangerous he was), and as I talked to him, I began to scan him all over, analyzing him, because something was SO “OFF.” I couldn’t put my finger on it, all I could think was, “His eyes are so dead.”
His normal voice was somewhat loud, and upbeat, but it was now low and quiet. I went back to his eyes, thinking, “What is wrong with his eyes?” It was a sunny morning and his eyes were that pretty blue…. but they were empty, dead. “Something is so wrong with his eyes….,” I kept thinking.
It is scary. Thinking of how all pictures taken looked normal. And actually some what like the sociopath was a fun happy person. But that was a picture. I remember when the pictures were taking. Yes, smiling for the camera, looking happy. But every occasion, get together, holiday was miserable and filled with chaos, fighting and the majority of us walking on egg shells, hoping and praying that she would leave soon.
Like I said earlier though. That mugshot picture is the true sociopath I know. There is nothing there… It’s disturbing that there is REALLY NOTHING there – not an angry look, not a desperate look, no shame, no nothing!
My personal 49 years’ experience with the eyes of sociopaths were quite different. Just to remind everyone, my “ex” as well as all five of my now-adult children, are undiagnosed sociopaths. In only one instance were the eyes of any significance and that was with my youngest and most abused son, who is now a pediatric endocrinologist! When young and challenged in any way by a sibling, parent, teacher or playmate, his ensuing rage or temper would manifest itself in a temporary “glassing over” of his eyes, as though they were covered with a thin film of glass or plastic. The specific “look” was unmistakeable. At these times he became “super” strong as though in some other terrifying world. He would momentarily develop what I can only describe as a “killer” mode, lashing out violently against everyone around, physically threatening their lives. The only “safe” way I could deal with him at these times, was to “fork” the fingers of my extended arm to his neck, to “pin” him to the floor, bed or wall until, within a minute or so, I would see his eyes return to normal and those glassed-over eyes somehow mysteriously disappeared. Only then was it possible to “reach” him with any rational thinking or reasoning. But in this “glassed over eyes” state, he became almost insane-like.
When a person becomes enraged, his/her pupils will dilate up to four times their normal size (http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/eye-opener-why-do-pupils-dialate/), likely the reason a person’s blue eyes became black.
You MAY be able to discern when someone is lying to you by watching their pupils. If they dilate, the individual could be telling a lie; however, unless you are trained to distinguish facial ‘micro-expressions’, using these telltale signs can be a slippery slope.
I agree with lAfraud’s experience – – empty, not lifeless eyes – – a blank stare into space – – hello, anyone home in there? Sadly, we all know the answer – – no.
sykntyrd – what an interesting article. Thank you for the link. It makes sense – all the descriptions I’ve heard about “black eyes” were associated with the sociopath’s rage.
@Wini,what an amazing article and observation!! I am astounded by your astuteness as usual. Even professionals do not come out with these gems!
Now that you said it, I can go back and recollect ALL these eyes in my P… the intense eye contact (piercing.. and not just with me, I saw it being given to other young females too).. the lifeless stare, the predator assessing stare, the sharp studying gaze when he thought no one was watching him…yes, these are definitely different from what we see in normal people..
and yes, when posing for a photograph, specially in public, the face is full of laughter or even the eyes are smiling etc, the absolute opposite of what he really is in private life…. but in unguarded photographs with me or my son he does NOT have that laugh, he has a scorn, a steely guarded closed look that gives away nothing, almost as if saying “you get nothing from me’, a contemptuous look that says “I have more up my sleeve than you will ever know”.. hope I am not rambling now.. but all this has made sense only just now..while there I am next to him looking either clearly miserable or actually really smiling depending on the circs (as I did not know what I was dealing with then)….but not a closed look.
So maybe we can add a closed/ complacent/ contemptuous/”something up my sleeve”/ “wont give it (whatever you want most) to you look”/ arrogant/ sneering look as well to our observations?
Thanks again Donna and others who posted here..