UPDATED FOR 2021. Sociopaths are hiding in all segments of society. They can be male, female, all races, all religions, all ethnic groups, old, young, rich, poor, good-looking, homely. Only one aspect of their appearance may hint at their personality disorder:
The eyes of a sociopath.
If you’ve had any type of involvement with a sociopath, you may have noticed some weirdness about the person’s eyes. You may see this in one or more ways, such as:
Intense eye contact
In my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud one of the 10 warning signs is intense eye contact. To gather information for the book, I conducted the Lovefraud Romantic Partners Survey. Of the 1,352 survey respondents, 59% of them reported that their sociopathic partner engaged in intense eye contact.
Here’s how one woman described the moment she met the sociopath:
It was the most intense eye contact that I have ever experienced. So much so that it was all I could describe years later when I recalled “how we met.” — His eyes burned into my soul even though they were brown, and I didn’t like brown eyes!
Read more: Everyday sociopaths — master manipulators who live all around us
The stare
Many Lovefraud readers also mention the eyes of a sociopath and how the sociopaths stared at them. Here’s a recent email from a man about his ex-wife:
It has been my experience with a sociopath ex-wife that there are different reasons behind the stare. I saw the angry predator stare but I also saw other stares.
Before I started dating my wife I would catch her staring at me in church and I would think that this woman is interested in me, let’s go talk to her. She had two sons by two different men; one was eight and the other was four.
The first three weeks were great, then for some unknown reason she started expressing her anger at me. At first it was over small things but eventually grew into full time hatred. I would catch her staring at me at different times and wonder what she was doing. Turns out she was studying me very closely.
I learned in church that everything was either good or evil, moral or immoral. But studying psychology, I found a third category: amoral or non-moral. Money is amoral; it is neither good nor evil, but how people use it shows their heart is good or evil. Emotions are also amoral they are neither good nor evil, but how you choose to react to them makes you good or evil.
My father when angry would raise his voice and yell, so I followed his example as an adult and as a father. I saw, however, that not everyone yelled when angry. Some got very quiet, some would leave and come back later when calmed down.
My ex-wife would provoke me to anger with insults or other unkind words. I chose one day to pick a different reaction when angry. I would blow it off or be quiet. My ex-wife picked up on this right away and said in frustration that I was unpredictable when angry: You used to yell, now you just blow it off. I was floored at how quick she pick up on this change in my behavior and how it frustrated her attempts to provoke me to anger. I thought either she has an IQ in the four-digit range, or she has experience in this area before.
The stare was her studying my emotions and my chosen reactions to my emotions. She could read me like a book, and manipulated me to get her desired reaction out of me. I was amazed. I saw that she did this with everyone and could very easy manipulate others to her will.
Lifeless eyes
This is what I sometimes saw with my ex-husband. When he wasn’t actively engaged in manipulating me or someone else, his eyes seemed to indicate that there was nobody home inside.
In two Lovefraud surveys, I asked respondents if they agreed with this statement about their disordered romantic partners: “Sometimes, the individual’s eyes seemed to be lifeless.” In the Romantic Partner Survey, 60% of respondents agreed. In the Female Sociopath Survey, 57% of respondents agreed.
Because sociopaths can be so charming, exciting and magnetic, it can be difficult to spot this characteristic of lifeless eyes. Sometimes the best place to see it is in a photograph.
Black eyes
I’ve had several people tell me that when the sociopath was in a rage, his eyes turned totally black. I’ve only heard this about male sociopaths so far — if anyone has seen this in a female, please let me know.
Here’s a letter from a woman who was married to a male sociopath.
One occurrence to this day puts chills up my spine and tears in my eyes.
The night my husband held me at gunpoint with a loaded hunting rifle, something terrifying happened. My husband’s eyes are bright, light blue. He has beautiful eyes, so bright you notice them from across a room.
But that night, when he attacked me, his eyes were black. Not just black, but so black it goes beyond words. If you’ve ever watched the movie Amityville Horror, there’s a scene when the father has become deeply possessed and he turns on his family.
MY SPOUSE LOOKED 100% IDENTICAL TO THAT MAN!
AFTER THE INCIDENT I BEGAN TO QUESTION MY SANITY. BLUE EYES DON’T TURN BLACK. EYES CHANGE COLOR, BUT NO HUMAN HAS EYES LIKE THAT.
I researched it, and lo and behold there have been numerous cases dealing with narcissists and/or sociopaths where blue eyes were noted to have turned black when they were enraged!
How horrifying is that? It’s as though there is another being inside these people!
I still have nightmares. Never before nor since has he ever demonstrated that behavior. He says he doesn’t remember any of it. (No, I don’t think drugs and I know no alcohol was involved.)
Please warn your readers.
There’s a physiological reason for eyes turning black. Anger activates the sympathetic nervous system. This is the part of the autonomic nervous system from the primitive, cave man part of the brain that creates the “fight or flight” response. It triggers rapid breathing, increased heart rate and blood pressure, more adrenaline in the bloodstream and dilation of the pupils, which are the black parts of the eye.
The dilated pupils make the eyes seem black. They indicate that the person’s brain perceives a threat and is preparing to respond with aggression. You don’t want to be the object of possible aggression.
Pay attention to the eyes of a sociopath
If you experience intense eye contact, or see the predatory stare, lifeless eyes, or frightening black eyes, know that these are the only possible physical signs that you are involved with a sociopath.
You may only see the scary eyes of a sociopath for only a moment, before he or she regains control and starts love bombing or manipulating you. Do not doubt your perception. Do not tell yourself that you are imagining things.
It’s said that the eyes are the windows of the soul. If you see eyes that make you doubt there is a soul inside, pay attention. You may have just seen the truth.
Lovefraud originally published this article on Oct. 27, 2014.
How to Overcome Negative Messages and Improve YourSelf Worth
When I saw this photo, I was stunned as the path in my life had exactly that stare. EXACTLY. I knew when he looked at me like that, usually with chin in hand, it didn’t feel like a “warm caress” or a bonding experience at all. It was devoid of feeling and creepy. In my cloud of stupidity and infatuation, I thought he was thinking, “What is it about this woman that attracts me SO much?” I could NOT have been more inaccurate. Most everything I thought about him was wrong, wrong, wrong and it’s frightening and humiliating that I wouldn’t allow myself to put the pieces together until he was gone.
Satya
Spathzilla is 18 months older than me and has an unjusified sense of entitlement. I remember we were about 15 and 13 and I was watching something on TV after school. “It” came in and wanted the remote control (which I had) to change channels. I said “no” and suddenly, without warning, “it” lunged at me, attacked me with such viciousness (ripped out chunks of my hair, scratched my face and ripped my clothes.)I was in shock. I submitted to her because at some sub-concious level I sensed “it” WOULD have killed me and blamed me. It’s only recently that I’ve understood my actions at the time as self-preservation.
Prior to reading this post, I had written in my journal about an incident involving my 17 year son, Zack. “Reverse pathologizing” occurred in my family when I identified my husband as a sociopath. I wrote, “Zack has called me a relentless liar tonight as I looked into the wooden eyes of his father. ‘Steve,’ I implored, ‘you know me. You know that I’m not a liar’. His eyes grew even darker. I saw no light.”
I think this story is equally creepy. I guy I had dated a few years ago. He smiled this horrible smile. I didn’t realize he didn’t have teeth until he did this awful smile. His eyes got huge while he opened his large black hole in his mouth. It was only for a brief second. Afterward I wondered if I imagined it. I remember thinking it looked like something out of Warner-Brothers cartoon, that wide-eyed toothless smiling Indian cartoon character.
The dating with this guy only lasted a month. He was angry about the money he spent dating me, because he was spending money he didn’t have. He wanted to keep on dating after me, but he was out of money, and was he MAD !!!
This guy was starting to trash me and then is where it ended. He was taking out his problems on me. Getting crappy with me when I had nothing to do with what his boss told him. He was losing his apartment because the building was up for sale. I think he is now homeless. I saw his profile on dating site and I think his profile picture is a selfie in a public bathroom.
Opps, I got long winded and forgot to go back to that wide open mouth smile. Nobody smiles like that. He was showing his toothlessness in a scary way. This is Adams County Wisconsin and there are a lot of toothless people here and none make their smile scary like that.
There are so many references to evil and “the devil” in posts on this site, I have to say that was my experience as well. I really felt on a couple of occasions that I was sitting in the same room as a demon. I had a very vivid dream one night, after spending the previous night with the spath, that a black human-like form was trying to sink into me from above. I wrestled with it and yelled out, get off me, Satan! I couldn’t tell whether I’d yelled it out in my dream, or in reality. Or if it was a dream, or something that had come to me in my sleep. If there is a devil, I’m sure they’re in contact somehow. Certainly, many, many people have the sense to avoid him, and he has a pretty revolting energy much of the time.
Long before I knew anything about mental illness, I recall meeting my mother-in-law and something deep within me just knew that she was the most wicked person I had ever met. We never had “words” or anything but a cordial relationship…somehow I just “knew”. In subsequent conversations with my “ex”, he often said that she always seemed to come between marriage partners. He was convinced that she had somehow caused her daughter’s divorce etc. and we decided to never make our home anywhere near her. Now I look back and am bewildered by my ignorance regarding the power of genetics as my “ex” later developed NPD or full-blown psychosis. The signs were all there, only I was too ignorant to realize their importance.
An acquaintance of mine is a psychopath, I’ve concluded. She is entirely lacking in conscience and morals, with her measure for decision making boiling down to “does this benefit me?” She does not care about the consequences of her actions to other people, their lives or careers. Oddly, it took me a while to figure her out.
Basically she comes across as homely, passive, and lethargic, but nice and down to earth — an aging hippie who is prone to depression, but with a bright smile, someone who always says “hello.”
Quickly I discerned that something was off. It became clear she was a pathological liar, a wanton thief, and degenerate, always scheming to take what another had if she wanted it as well. She was an expert at gaslighting and studying people, playing one off against another while feigning friendship to all, only to gossip about each behind their backs.
She had no morals whatsoever and mocked those who were religious as idiots, despite being an underachiever stuck in minimum wage jobs. I remember watching her howl with laughter over the misfortune of others and boast of various campaigns she had launched against those who earned her contempt for being more ambitious, successful, beautiful, wealthy, whatever — this animal was determined to put them in their place whether through snide, passive aggressive comments, aggressive harassment, battle of wits (which only she was playing as others ignored her.), sabotage, passive, discreet abuse that couldn’t be traced to her.
Yet you wouldn’t suspect her of this on meeting her or through casual acquaintance as despite her disheveled appearance, she was always nice, with a bright smile plastered on her face, and “helpful.” I felt sorry for her, thought she couldn’t hurt a fly, was nice and intelligent despite being a low achiever.
I am an empath, the prime target of psychopaths. They think they can control us by controlling our emotions and feed off of our good will, patience, and abundance of positive, loving energy. One day, after putting the pieces together, and realizing who/what I was dealing with, I cut off all contact.
That is the point at which her mask came off and she emerged as full blown psychopath. Not only had I caught her stealing from me, but she stalked me, harassed, and gas light me for months on end. Each time she would do it with a bright smile on her face and intense, predatory eye contact. For a passive person who shuffled along in life, with rejection, she became aggressive, intense, and manic, cornering me to force interactions in an effort to get me to conform to her will.
She only stopped when others observed what she was doing and she needed to save face as she risked being fired, thrown out of her accommodations — at which point she retreated into her quiet, mousey hippie shell with her crazy, wild-eyed smile plastered on her face.
She continues to impose on others as it’s all about her.
How do you recognize these people?
It’s all about them. Decisions are based on their gain. Solely.
Immoral. No conscience. No concern for anyone but themselves
Parasitic existence. Advances by taking what others have
Passive aggressive put downs
Intense eye contact and predatory stare
They study you to gain information on how you can be of use to them.
Psycho smile — fake, exaggerated, too many teeth, anxiety-driven
Intuition — you can sense the danger. Listen to your inner voice!
Rosebythisname – It is amazing, isn’t it? I’m glad you figured her out.
Thank you, Donna.:)
I saw the Black eyes today for the first time. I didn’t believe it until i saw it myself. This is not an enlarged pupil, not even close. The whole eye, all of it turned pitch black. I have never seen anything like it.
I was instinctively scared of this person, it sent cold chills down my spine. I was overwhelmed with my desire to get away from this person, to run. Its plain and simple evil. I dont think these is any other explanation.
I am convinced there are things in this world that science cant explain. It seems to me that there is a opposites phenomenon in nature. The existence of something means its opposite exists also. Like light and dark, and more specifically good and evil. Physicists say now that a large part of the universe is comprised of dark matter and dark energy. They dont know what it is, but they know it exists because all the math proves its existence.
My ex narcopath also had very blue eyes and would often have a look that I called his, ”F*ck off” stare. I’ve also seen his eyes go black on two occasions – both times he was venomously spitting some lie at me, e.g. that I had slept with 2 black guys (totally untrue). These two times only lasted for a split second and I was absolutely shocked – at this look and at what he had said.
absolutely the freakiest thing about the spath, and the first overt sign i was in deep trouble, was the night he flashed from being sweet, attentive, and fun to a savage physical attack that came out of nowhere (so it seemed at the time; looking back i was probably being punished for any number of infractions). he got home around 2 am, we talked, i probably tried to set some limit on some behavior earlier in the night (long story), and he suddenly grabbed my neck, head-butted me hard, and started to choke me on the bed.
his attack didn’t stop there, but luckily the cops broke it up only minutes later. i was left with two hugely swollen black eyes, a gigantic egg on my forehead, bruises on my neck, and probably a concussion. i hid from public eyes for two weeks.
anyway the most vivid memory i have, of that night, is how his crystal blue irises went totally black. i have wondered since then whether it was dilation of the pupils. my one-room apartment was kind of dimly lit. it’s hard to say, objectively, but i can tell you i’ve never seen anyone’s eyes dilate that far. regardless, his irises were completely black, with no blue rim at all. savage. terrifying. i’ll never forget it, him bent over me with his hands around my throat, hair swinging in my face, and those black, black eyes staring down at me while he grinned and growled in the most hateful way.
no sign of the lover i’d had only minutes before. i don’t think some demon came and inhabited him; i think his mask slipped off and i got to see the black, raging, horribly soul-dead creature that he truly was. sadly it took me two years to accept this loss. i read somewhere that choking is a big red flag for future homicide in domestic violence. i am lucky i finally got away. why oh why did i let him stay so long? i understand better, but i’ll never fully forgive myself.
I want to add here that while contempt or rage may change the eyes it’s possible for the words to not match. I kicked my ex out after being caught in a huge lie, but didn’t yet kmow he was a sociopath . He returned for his things later and realized he basically still had me hooked…I was crying, wishing this and that. As he was leaving he said, “look at me”, when I did he said “I love you”. His beautiful blue eyes turned huge, marbeley and near black. It was extremely weird and with a bit of time became a flashback that was upsetting. The eyes are what led me to start doing background searches and eventually finding out that EVERYTHING was a lie. I confronted him on the phone and he admitted he has aspd. I think I saw the contempt in his eyes, but his words and actions were not anywhere near contemptuous. Just like actions speak louder than words, so do eyes.