Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we’ll call “Lillian.”
Yes. It happened to me. It took him six years but he left. He left me holding two mortgages in both our names. He left me once I ran out of cash. He left me when I got laid off. I am almost 50 years old and I have nothing. I haven’t heard from him in over a year. He encouraged me to buy a bigger, more expensive house than I would have on my own and came up with half the down. He moved in. Wouldn’t pay anything. Got us a joint account and credit card. I worked. He didn’t even buy groceries. He bought himself a boat after three years of hell as I got angrier and angrier because he just lay on the couch. Then he sailed to Mexico and didn’t come back. His rich widow of a prominent heart surgeon called me one day. He had told her he owned property up here and that he had ended a relationship—which he hadn’t. He got really angry then and cleaned out the joint account of my funds, of course, since there was never any joint about it. He lives in Mexico on his boat and has a house in Oakland. She feels like Cinderella right now and thinks I am the evil stepsister.
I had $400K in cash. No revolving debt. Two retirement accounts and supported my husband and kids. Well fast forward. I have no cash. No retirement accounts. $70K in revolving debt and no job. I am ruined. I am so traumatized and messed up that I can’t function. I just cry. I reach out and no one is there. I am extremely isolated. I want to die. He is living in Mexico and suing me for half the house. He isn’t done with me yet. And I am just two months away from living in a tent. No one cares. No one understands. Everyone thinks that somehow I either deserve this and or it’s my fault. I am done for. I don’t know that I can be helped even if I knew someone who could help me. That’s the story. Sad but true. I wish I were dead.
After a devastating encounter with a sociopath, the most important thing we have to do is stay alive.
We may have lost our money, our homes, our jobs, our health, our self-esteem, our hopes and our dreams, but we cannot lose our selves.
This is basic, but crucial. We cannot die.
Not everyone succeeds at this essential task. Not everyone is able to continue living in the face of monstrous personal betrayal. In these cases, the sociopath truly wins. Dr. Leedom calls it “murder by suicide.”
There is an old adage, “Where there’s life, there’s hope.” When dealing with the aftermath of a sociopath, this is the truth. A sociopath’s goal is always to win, and sometimes to destroy us in the process. When we stay alive, we deny the sociopath’s victory.
We can also start a process that, over time, will enable us to claim victory for ourselves.
It doesn’t seem that way in the blackness of despair as we survey the wreckage of our lives. But as many of us have learned, amid the wreckage we may discover that our broken ideas and beliefs actually needed to be broken and thrown away. We were operating under false conceptions of ourselves, conceptions that made us vulnerable to the predators.
We learn that if we stay alive, we can begin to rebuild our lives, and when we do, we will be living our own truth.
So how do we do it? We keep putting one foot in front of the other. We cry when we need to, then we pick ourselves up and push on. We keep going forward, even though we don’t believe we can.
The road to recovery takes time and patience. It takes recognizing that we may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PSTD). It takes caring about ourselves and being kind to ourselves.
The first step is staying alive.
Please, Lillian, we know your situation is very, very bad. But don’t let him win.
Thankyou so much matt for your advice.
1. I have stopped trying to get my things back through him.
2. I have written two brief letters to the tax people and the Australian Dentist Association, saying i am willing to be interviewed and appear in a court of law if they ever need me. But I did not supply any details.
3. The reason I did not supply any details is a long story.
4.To abbreviate the story: I had a “relationship” with a solicitor who was doing the legal papers for the house my grandmother left me, on the Gold Coast, in 2000. The solicitor ended up with my house. He was already a millionaire.When i tried to have the solicitor struck off the through the ombudsmen,and get my house back , the solicitor involved the Gold Coast Corrupt Police and had me put in prison and a mental institution. I found out my lawyer representing was his best friend.
Eight years later in the court of appeal all charges were dropped against me. Too late. I have still lost my home, my sanity and my dignity. But now i don’t have a record – but solicitor psychopath was never charged, nor my crooked lawyer that was representing me.
The dentist new all this of course. As soon as my charges were all dropped he called the police on me and tried to have it done all over again to me. Up until that day I believed his facade. i thought he was an alcoholic and a narcissist, but i hadn’t noticed he was a professional psychopath too.
This time I didn’t have a house to lose. Only the stuff in it and a little money and my dog,which the dentist now has.
I have been totally triggered and am now paranoid and sometimes homicidal towards the dentist. A lot of it is transference from the other p’s in my life who took much more. But I figure as long as I keep saying how I feel then I won’t go mad and actually do anything.
I am so glad this site exists. I got a rap on the knuckles from Donna the other day for saying similar stuff about the dentist..but it was good, I need to keep saying how I feel no matter what. Last time, with the solicitor, I didn’t and it all backfired.
I worry that the p’s will find this site and know where we are at with our affairs and so legally abuse us again or kill us (which as far as I am concerned is the same thing!).
I guess that is PTSD.
The Gold Coast is a great place, you can get out of the sun because their are shady people. You have to go to Brisbane to find a lawyer who is not corrupt in Queensland. The Gold Coast is a hive of evil.
P.S. The reason I wasn’t charged with anything so far was I had his messages and I don’t trust anyone in the whole world, except my 19 year old son. Sad but true, that is what it has come down to!
“Lillian”: Don’t give up. I imagine that it must be devastating to have had so much in material assets built up and for that to be lost, now, but don’t give up. Your life is worth more than money.
It sounds like the three big areas of pain are:
1) Devastation over the loss of money, property, etc, and the resultant fear for your future.
2) Emotional pain, feelings of worthlessness and despair.
3) Feelings of panic over being disbelieved by those around you, feelings of isolation.
You can do a lot to mitigate #1; protect yourself legally, do as much research as you can, find a local legal aid group if you can’t afford a lawyer, etc.
For #2, get yourself into psychotherapy immediately, even just for the feeling of safety knowing that in just a few days you will have someone to talk to. Make sure that the therapist is knowledgable about sociopaths.
For #3, the best I can suggest is to provide the people around you with information about sociopathy and to ask them to be more respectful of you. If they continue to engage in victim-blaming (Google it), then CUT THEM OUT of your life and seek support among people who are compassionate and understanding.
Do not give up and please think of all the people who lose their homes to things like natural disasters, and think of the people who lose their money to business failures, serious illness and medical bills, etc. You are not the only person to experience financial loss. Your worth as a person does not change with the numbers in your bank account.
jofary
“I so badly wanted to give up. I turned to cigarettes and alcohol – at mid-life!! If it wasn’t for my kids, I’d probably have done much harder drugs because I wanted to die, too. I so desperately wanted to give up but couldn’t because of my kids. They, alone, are what saved me.”
Our children themselves are both a “blessing” but also a tie to our ex s/p. Depending on the age of the child it can be very hard for them to understand why mom/dad does the things they do and the pain and hurt they also caused us. I always felt lucky that my children were old enough to see for themselves how selfish and cruel their mother was and then understand the abuse cause by her. Because of the ages of my children NC was able to be agree on by all of us which made it easy to enforce. jofary, I too agree that without my children I wonder if I would have survived the journey? I do believe I would only because I am a survivor coming from a very dysfunctional family even as a child myself.
Lillian,
“That’s the story. Sad but true. I wish I were dead.”
What others (and I hope you are reading these) are telling you is what we all have been through. I too try not to think about all the time effort and money lost to this relationship. But to die (Dr. Leedom calls it “murder by suicide.”) would in fact give them what they prize the most. To win all! They do hate exposure, so if one was to die then who would be left to exposure them? The person is lost and the story too is lost and so is the history with that person. Truly, this would be a win win for them. But if we survive and become stronger then we can go on to exposure these parasites and then warn others. I for one can stand before you and tell you that yes I too “wish I were dead”. But found that there is always something to live for albeit our children our families and of course ourselves.
ember halo
“one thing i’d like to add”“
my S knew that a child could be the ultimate weapon against me”
but he didn’t realize that my love for her would come with such huge reserves of strength & perseverance.
because he doesn’t understand the concept of love, he underestimated it.
that is the S’s greatest weakness.”
Ditto! And Amen to that!!!
oh…I cant stop crying..I am so angry!! I loathe him right now…please someone ..tell me this will get better….
endthepain
Yes, it does through understanding compassion and love of one’s self. You are in a bad place right now but it will end. It takes time to heal and time to move on. One thing my ex asked me once was “why didn’t her children want to talk with her”. I told her, maybe they just need time and then went on to tell her I needed time, Hell! We all need time! Yes, it will be better but in all honesty at times it can be worst. It’s like a hill we climb. It’s hard going up the hill but it easy when we go down that same hill. Just hang in there! It will get better with time and remember to climb only one hill at a time..
end the pain – it gets better I promise – crying is releasing the pain…I cant think of anything to comfort you – I seriously wanted to die – not kill my self but dying would of been better..I think I will stick around and live with a better understanding of myself and why i do what I do and why I did what i did.. at first it was all about him – I plotted revenge – considered murder – to hell with him now – it really really stops hurting – stop trying to end the pain and just process the pain – you have a lot of life to live – the day will come when you think to yourself – damn that was a hard lesson – glad that is over – what did i learn from this? you will be ok – and this is coming from a hopeless romantic that was full of doubt about everything especially my self – but slowly it is coming together to something I can live with that will prolly always be a thorn in my ass – but scars do heal – give it time – and meanwhile do something – bake me some cookies – peanut butter will do…..
endthepain
You can also try this. Think about all the emotional triggers (ET) like a movie. Okay now you can slow down this movie rewind it or even stop this movie. What you can do if the ET’s get too bad is to slow down that part of the movie and think only about that part. Don’t worry about the beginning or the end of this movie. Just one part that you can slow down and then think only about that part. Remember it’s your movie and you can do whatever you want! You are in control not the movie.
Rune: THANK YOU! ! Really a lot.