Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we’ll call “Lillian.”
Yes. It happened to me. It took him six years but he left. He left me holding two mortgages in both our names. He left me once I ran out of cash. He left me when I got laid off. I am almost 50 years old and I have nothing. I haven’t heard from him in over a year. He encouraged me to buy a bigger, more expensive house than I would have on my own and came up with half the down. He moved in. Wouldn’t pay anything. Got us a joint account and credit card. I worked. He didn’t even buy groceries. He bought himself a boat after three years of hell as I got angrier and angrier because he just lay on the couch. Then he sailed to Mexico and didn’t come back. His rich widow of a prominent heart surgeon called me one day. He had told her he owned property up here and that he had ended a relationship—which he hadn’t. He got really angry then and cleaned out the joint account of my funds, of course, since there was never any joint about it. He lives in Mexico on his boat and has a house in Oakland. She feels like Cinderella right now and thinks I am the evil stepsister.
I had $400K in cash. No revolving debt. Two retirement accounts and supported my husband and kids. Well fast forward. I have no cash. No retirement accounts. $70K in revolving debt and no job. I am ruined. I am so traumatized and messed up that I can’t function. I just cry. I reach out and no one is there. I am extremely isolated. I want to die. He is living in Mexico and suing me for half the house. He isn’t done with me yet. And I am just two months away from living in a tent. No one cares. No one understands. Everyone thinks that somehow I either deserve this and or it’s my fault. I am done for. I don’t know that I can be helped even if I knew someone who could help me. That’s the story. Sad but true. I wish I were dead.
After a devastating encounter with a sociopath, the most important thing we have to do is stay alive.
We may have lost our money, our homes, our jobs, our health, our self-esteem, our hopes and our dreams, but we cannot lose our selves.
This is basic, but crucial. We cannot die.
Not everyone succeeds at this essential task. Not everyone is able to continue living in the face of monstrous personal betrayal. In these cases, the sociopath truly wins. Dr. Leedom calls it “murder by suicide.”
There is an old adage, “Where there’s life, there’s hope.” When dealing with the aftermath of a sociopath, this is the truth. A sociopath’s goal is always to win, and sometimes to destroy us in the process. When we stay alive, we deny the sociopath’s victory.
We can also start a process that, over time, will enable us to claim victory for ourselves.
It doesn’t seem that way in the blackness of despair as we survey the wreckage of our lives. But as many of us have learned, amid the wreckage we may discover that our broken ideas and beliefs actually needed to be broken and thrown away. We were operating under false conceptions of ourselves, conceptions that made us vulnerable to the predators.
We learn that if we stay alive, we can begin to rebuild our lives, and when we do, we will be living our own truth.
So how do we do it? We keep putting one foot in front of the other. We cry when we need to, then we pick ourselves up and push on. We keep going forward, even though we don’t believe we can.
The road to recovery takes time and patience. It takes recognizing that we may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PSTD). It takes caring about ourselves and being kind to ourselves.
The first step is staying alive.
Please, Lillian, we know your situation is very, very bad. But don’t let him win.
Im sorry for what you are going through. But Im so damn glad you are going to get through this. Especially knowing you have kids, and you have a spirit and soul that is truly alive inside waiting for you to open whatever doors come your way —
He did a god-awful thing to you. But now that he is gone you can start to slowly pick up the pieces. If he had stayed or had you allowed him to stay Im most certain you would be walking around worse than you are now. You are right..the other woman many feel like Cinderella temporarily, but soon she will have to start behaving like his Wicked Step Mother (picking up the slack of the spoiled selfish sick child she has hooked up with)….
Meanwhile – you can be the real Cinderella of this story, picking up the pieces and slowly doing whatever it takes to get your life back. Because you can. And what are we peanuts over here? 🙂 If you reach out here any time of day or night…we will reach back to you and support you and help you get through what we all cant relate to on many different levels – you are not alone, and never have to be isolated with LF here for you. We care. Because we know. Or we are learning. Or you are teaching us…
You most certainly dont deserve this. Nobody does. YOU CAN GET OUT FROM THIS. YOU WILL. BUT YOU HAVE TO START TO TRY AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AGAIN. The only thing that could ever be possibly our fault here is if we let ourselves down. Enough people have let us down, we really shouldnt let ourselves down too. We have the most to give ourselves Lillian. You know someone who can help you. Shes with you right now as you read this. ((HUGS)) Keep the faith with all of us!!!
And I cant help but go here….goodness forgive me for what Im about to say…but yours was a really a bad man….so Did you say Mexico? Because maybe just maybe….just mayyybeeee…. .they didnt have a mask for him!
Your loss seems “total” to you right now….but take it from one who almost didn’t get out with her life, actually two of my family barely skated out of that with our very lives….if you are ALIVE, there is HOPE…..
You not only lost your “financial security” (and I lost much of mine) but you lost much or even ALL of your “self” in the arson of his burning of your world.
I am so glad that you came here to LoveFraud, while at first glance this may seem “just another web site” but LoveFraud is ANYTHING BUT “just another web site.” This is an intentional community of caring, UNDERSTANDING support, advice, love, and HOPE.
My psychopathic son hired another psychopath to murder me and I had to leave my home and literally run for my life!
I can imagine the pain you are in, the feeling of there is “nothing left to live for” but there IS the most important thing to live for —YOURSELF!
STAY here, and read and read and read, learn all you can, both about him, and also ABOUT YOURSELF.
Reclaim YOUR POWER, which right now, I imagine is feeling very low, but it isn’t gone, the batteries are just needing recharging and this is one of the best recharging station for depleted batteries I have found.
I am so sorry your experience was so devestating, but you and I are alive, and I am so glad for both of us that we survived. ((((hugs))))) and my prayers for your healing and recovery.
Welcome to the Club! Sorry You are A Qualified member!
I did move into a tent, spent months in it at state parks! Was evacuated four times because of Huricanes. And I still was Hooked on the Psychopath , he was still living off of me, making life miserable!
At one point , driving back from the Keys I thought If I could just get back and drop him off somewhere! I thought about leaving him in the Keys!
It finaly took the threat of lossing my life to Let GO!
So If your alive and safe then you have won the battle!
Kickback TRUST God! He brought you through this far He will never fail you! LetgoletGod!
You have come to the right place sit back and make yourself at home!
I am sorry what you are going through.
I’m a criminal defense lawyer. If anybody should know that a lot of criminals are sociopaths, it is me. When I met my S, he had been released from prison 3 weeks earlier (I didn’t know that at the time). Once I found that out, I should have had my guard up. But, I never knew what hit me.
People on this site sometimes use me as a sounding board. So, if there’s any legal questions you might have feel free to run them by. As for the house, if it is “underwater” (you owe more than its worth), I’d go into court with an appraisal showing that and see if you can get you S’s lawsuit tossed.
You are stronger than you know. Keep reading and writing- you will rise again. Don’t let this sub-human define you.
Everyone who posts here KNOWS the hell you lived through and continue too. BUt we are thriving.
Early on I decided to give the psychopath not one bit more of me. Living and thriving is revenge to them – they want us broken down because of them. Psychopaths are truly bothered only by those who are indifferent to them- they feed off of positive/negative attention.
Dr. Leedom you are so correct, they desire murder by suicide. I have written on rich and famous psychos commited “murder by suicide.”
NSH called to tell me i need to THINK about what he is telling me and make a settlement NOW.
Creditors are closing in, his Construction business is laden with debt (from putting the b-b-que together) and i had better take the shore house now and put it in my name before the creditors take it. House is in Con. Co name – this is the only clean asset we have.
I suspect he is getting ready to declare bankruptcy on Const CO. bevause now he will live off the b-b-que and resurrect his construction business if he so chooses. All to not let me have my fair share !!!!
I know i cannot accept a settlement without records and the forensic being complete. Also, I don’t think he can be so premeditated by converting the house to my name fraudulently right before declaring bankruptcy.
In addition, I can’t $$ carry that house right now.
sorry – The first post didn’t make it
Ah, yes. The classic sociopath urgent emergency. This sudden “urgency” on the part of NSH for you to settle now is making me very suspicious. Did he call you directly or did he call your lawyer? Something tells me he called you directly, trying to circumvent the process.
My first concern would be if he transferred the asset and then filed for bankruptcy within 90 days. I’m not a bankruptcy attorney, but I seem to recall that any transfers of company assets away from the company during the 90 days preceding a bankruptcy could be deemed a “preference” and called back by the trustee overseeing the bankruptcy. That would be my concern off the top. Plus, as I understand it, if you got past the 90 day period, the trustee can still call the transfer back if he suspects fraud.
Double check with your attorney on the transferring of the one “clean” asset, but if he wants to commit fraud, don’t you be a party to it. Also, at a minimum I would bet that his “friend” who sunk 100K into the construction business will assert a claim on the beach house if NSH puts the construction company into bankruptcy.
You don’t think he can be so premeditated by fraudulently conveying the house to you right before he files for bankruptcy. I think he does. Before he’ll convey the house, he is going to demand you sign a settlement agreement then and there. He defaults during those 90 days, the house will probably be called back by the creditors. And now you’re going to have to fight to get the settlement agreement reopened.
My second thought is that the forensic accountant may have turned over a few rocks that have information that is going to blow him out of the water. So, if he can win the race to the settlement, his nefarious doings won’t have to come to light. Because if he’s been committing fraud and this comes to light in court, don’t be surprised if the court announces that it is going to turn his name over to the DA.
My third thought is, without seeing what his various agreements etc relating to the business entities is that he may very well have had one entity guaranteeing the debts of another or, he may be personally on the hook for the debts, since banks, when lending to “closely-held” business entities generally do not lend to the entity without the personal guarantee of the majority owner.
I’d start by talking to your attorney and getting him up to speed. I think the two of you should touch base with the forensic accountant and see where she is at — his creditors may be closing in, but, as I said, she may have stirred up the hornet’s nest and that’s what has him chomping at the bit. She should be able to give you some kind of interim report.
In any case, you’re on the right track — you can’t accept a settlement without the records and the forensic being complete. One other thought. Although you said you don’t have the money to carry the house right now, could you move into the house or rent it out for the summer?