Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
By Ox Drover
Jesus said to “treat others as you would have them to treat you.” I have tried to live more or less by this rule most of my life. I have tried to treat others as I would have them treat me. I have shown compassion, pity, love, consideration, caring and kindness to those who I hoped would also treat me with compassion, pity, love, consideration, caring, respect and kindness.
Unfortunately not everyone that I treated as “I would that they treat me” reciprocated my treatment of them. I always paid back any money that I ever borrowed, but I loaned money to those who would not repay me. I was kind and understanding to others when they didn’t pay me back the money they owed me. I was caring and compassionate when they treated me badly. I found excuses for why I should not be angry at them for their bad treatment of me, even though I had always treated them well.
While I tried to live by this precept of “do unto others as I would have them do unto me,” somehow it didn’t work on the “them doing unto me part.” Finally I realized that I had only gotten half the concept. I noticed that while I treated others well, and they in turn treated me poorly, I realized that I had one set of expectations for me, and another set for them.
Now, I am not saying that I should start treating them the way they treated me, or that I should borrow money from them that I have no intention of paying back, however, I did learn that I should have the same expectations for my friends that I have for myself. I should expect that others treat me well if they are to remain in my life. I do not have to treat others well and then bend over backwards to continue to allow them to treat me badly and not think “something is wrong here,” or as Kathy Hawk says, “this is just not working for me.”
I don’t have a pass to treat others badly, but at the same time, because I do try to treat others as I would that they treated me, it does not follow that I must allow them to abuse me. I would expect myself to act better than they are acting, so why do I think that me acting well and them not acting well is acceptable?
The Silver Rule
So I developed the second part of the “Golden rule” the Silver Rule and that is to not allow others to treat you more poorly than you would treat them. Do not allow others to treat you with disrespect and abuse if you would not treat them that way. Expect others who interact with you, who are intimate friends and relationships, to treat you with the same respect, caring and kindness with which you treat them.
I know we will encounter people at work and in our social lives who do not treat anyone well, and sometimes we can’t change that situation. But we do not have to allow ourselves to interact with these people. We can distance ourselves from them, not allow them to treat us poorly. For those people of more “importance” in our lives, our family and our closer friends, we can challenge them on this and say, for example, “John, I loaned you $50 with the expectation that you would pay me back this Friday as you had indicated you would. I expect you to repay me.” If “John” does not repay you, you are not expected to pretend he doesn’t owe you the money. Of course, you would never again loan him money.
My beloved stepfather had a “joke” he used to tell about a man who was always asking for and receiving frequent favors from a friend and never repaying them. One day he asked for a favor and his friend refused and said, “Look at all the things I have done for you in the past and you never repaid any of these things.” The man (obviously a psychopath) replied, “Yeah, okay, but what have you done for me lately?”
If we believe in and practice the “Golden Rule,” I think we should also start to believe in and practice the “Silver Rule,” and expect that others treat us with the same respect that we treat them. If people do not treat us as we treat them, the problem is obviously not ours, but theirs, and they should not be allowed inside our circle of trust and intimacy. The positions within our sacred circle of trust and intimacy must be earned by treating us as we treat them.
Oxy – this is so appropriate to where I am at in my learning.
I am surrounded by people that do love me and treat me with respect and I am learning when someone doesn’t how to gently – depending on who they are and why to either discard the relationship or gently put more distance between us – whether they are an N/P/S or not.
The thing that was like a whoosh to the belly is that joke you mentioned – that actually was something that occurred with my relationship to the ex. We actually had a conversation just like that and he said that to me.
He also told me one time – very very angry when I said I can’t do x,y & z (errand or chore he needed done) for you right now – he yelled violently angry at me – “I don’t give a F^@& about your life” and I knew he was telling the truth. I don’t know why I did not turn on my heel and walk out the door that very moment. I just will never understand how I did not leave. I knew with every fibre of my being it was the truth but i so wanted to prove it wasn’t and that I was worth caring about. It makes me sick to think of it.
Thank you for all you do here for all of us. Thank God for your generosity of spirit and wisdom.
With an attitude of gratitude, Breckgirl
Dear Breck girl,
You are entirely welcome, this site has saved my sanity I think, because when Ifirst came here a couple of years ago I was a WRECK, and the people who were here then (most don’t post any more or at least very often) were life saving support to me.
That is funny what you said about your x saing “what have you done for me lately?” My daddy thought that was teh funniest thing, but he also used those old jokes and parables to teach me (or try to teach me lessons as well). I didn’t appreciate how much teaching he did for me until lately when it finally has started to have some positive effects on my life, his words will come back to me and I say “He was trying to teach me that when I was a kid or young mother or whatever.”
Back when my egg donor was becoming “dependent” on me for her every wish and to entertain her I tried to set some limits and explain that I needed some time for my own life, my own business interests (i had already lost a great deal of equity in various things because I had neglected them in favor of doing things for that could eithe rwait or she could find someone else to do them.) But she was furious that I didn’t want to be at her immediate beck and call any time she got a wild hair up her arse to go to town or anything else she wanted. I explained I would do NON-emergency things at my convenience, but that wasn’t acceptable to her. That was right before she got the Trojan Horse into her house and devalued and discarded me because in “love bombing” her to get her trust, he was jumping every time she said “frog.” She really liked that!
I am glad that you too are learning to set boundaries and not let people treat you disrespectfully. Those that don’t accept reasonable boundaries don’t need to be in our intimate life. (((hugs))))
If you feel like someone is testing your boundaries and pushing your tolerance to its limits, I suggest saying something like, “Don’t mistake my KINDNESS for WEAKNESS.”
The person on the receiving end of this statement will get it.
Especially if they have sociopathic tendancies.
They usually retreat immediately, and act surprised or completely unaware that they were being too pushy, or coming on too strong.
Don’t fall for that act, either. People who push usually know exactly what they are doing. If they don’t, then they need to do some self-evaluation.
Sometimes you have to PUSH BACK a little, to let certain people know that you are not someone who can be toyed with.
The earlier the better, as far as I am concerned.
We all know what happens when you wait too long, and give someone too many benefits of the doubt, right?
YES! Rosa – YES… Waiting only gets you pushed back even further and then they say – “well how was I to know you never said anything before” – like now that you are finally protesting it is too bad because the rules of how you will engage together have been established.
UGH
Dear Breck and Rosa,
I sat some limits (again) with some X-friends of ours (my son D’s and mine and my late husband’s) and the new limit of boundaries is NO CONTACT.
I had done everything I could to help these people (the man is disabled) but they had used and abused me, the wife of the pair had actually stolen from me, etc. (though she loudly denied this) but they had stuff stored in an old storage shed of mine and I told them to get it out by June 1, I last heard from them in April saying they would get it out. They had a key, so no need to contact me. Well, over the holiday weekend I got an e mail from the man saying that he wanted to meet me to make arrangements to get his stuff out, adn saying that he hadn’t notified me he wasn’t able to get it out in June because he didn’t have my phone number, he had lost it, and my son D wouldn’t answer his phone when he called him. Well, he obviously DID have my e mail address so could have contacted me if he had wanted to. LOL
I didn’t answer that e mail, but later gone one indicating that he might show up at my door, which I did NOT want to happen, so I answered his e mail with a frank but not nasty one telling him that there was NO NEED for him to contact me or D, that he had a key to the storage, (for what is left, not much) and that if he wanted to pay back the $500 he owed D for the last two years, he could mail that as I knew he had the address memorized.
This man, while he is disabled, (in a wheel chair) had sat in a marijuana fog of self pity, poor financial planning and spending what money they had for “toys” to amuse himself, so I do not “feel sorry” for him not doing all he can to meet his own needs. He expects my son and/or me to figure out what he needs and without him asking, to provide it for him because he is “disabled.”
I actually don’t believe he is a “full blown” psychopath, but he is a very self pitying, envioius of others, and does feel some entitlement for others to take care of him. He wanted to place blame for not contacting us in a timely manner about his stuff, but to put the blame on us. Not accepting that.
No longer pretending that he is acting appropriately or that it is okay for him to act this way. He and his wife have violated (or tried to) every boundary I have set for them and highly resent any boundary being set that doesn’t give them access to anything I have that they desire or need. They do not feel a need for reciprocity of any kind, but somehow think because I have “more” than they do somehow that makes me responsible for their poor financial choices. Not accepting that either.
When I sent the e mail to him, I OPEN copied a mutual friend of ours (who is also fed up with him) but whom he had called to complain to about how poorly we had met his needs and how we had “abandoned” him. I did this because I wanted him to KNOW that I knew about his badmouthing us behind our backs and that I wasn’t going to hide anything from anyone including our mutual acquaintences. I am DONE playing “let’s pretend X is a great guy.” We are DONE with him. He didn’t make any effort to get his stuff out of our way by June 1 as he said he would, and he made no effort to repay the money he borrowed from my son, I am sure because he thought “oh, he doesn’t really NEED it and I do”
Normally I would have mantained NC with them, but though they are high in entitlement traits I don’t think they are psychopaths, I actually think, from the reply e mail that I got back that he GETS it that we are done with him, and I doubt that we will ever hear from them again. If we ever run into them, in a store or whatever, I will just keep on moving.
As far as my feelings about them, I am over the grief about losing what I thought was a close relationship, though when I found out she was stealing, I felt like I had found my best friend in bed with my husband. It hit me like a ton of bricks and the grief was terrible, but that is long past now, and I no longer grieve over this, I am just more firm im my resolve to stay away from them, but not heart broken. I didn’t really lose a friend. While I do have compassion for anyone in a wheel chair from an injury, at the same time, I worked in spinal cord rehab long enough to know that lots of people can function and live full lives from a wheel chair and dont’ sit in a blue haze of marijuana smoke and Rx morphine and feel sorry for themselves. So I won’t pity him that he has chosen to not live a good life. He is reaping the consequences of his life choices.
Love this!!!!!!!!!!!!
Standing. Applauding and cheering… Oxy!!!!
Dear Oxy, thank you so much for your blog entry. I need the help of LF, I am afraid.
I am kind of puzzled and in internal uproar today as I got a letter from X this morning.
In this letter X was stating that he wanted to thank me because he is now in psychotherapy due to personal difficulties (circumstances and history of his partner, professional problems). His partner urgently said to him to get professional help with psychotherapy. He is in one for some time now and is getting finally to the point and the roots of his disturbances and he is working on the causes of his difficulties with relationships. He is now realizing what I have done and that he aknowledges that I am a very important person in his life and that with the help of the book on fear I sent him together with the last e-mail, with his partner (the psychiatrist he is still with) and the therapist he is doing progress. He now understands what I was trying to tell him all the time, and he has way to go to solve all his problems, but he has started to see clearly now also with the help of this book on fear. He was writing this emptying one of the fine wine bottles I gave him which he opened on my behalf and to honor my efforts! He also sees what happened between us and to me in special and that he wants to say thanks and he is sorry FOR ME what happened. But it happened and he CAN’T and he does not WANT to change that. (Highlights by me).
If I want to talk about we can do so and he will be glad about it, as he has now a good distance he thinks, but of course just if I want to. Else I just do not reply. Kind regards X
The point is that I am kind of glad, that X finally is making progress, that he aknowledges me and that I tried to help him. I am sad that I am not profiting from this progress as I still seem to have some longing for X, me thinks! But in the same time the old scar is breaking up, all the psychological beatings of X are resurfacing, quite fresh to my horror, and I realize that I am not healed AT ALL!
I was today at my hairdresser’s who is kind of very old male friend to me now, as we know each other for 35 years now, he is the hairdresser of the whole family and close to all of our lives and problems as mother and my sister are also going to him. He also got his fair share of being mistreated by my mother and my sister, they were both not keeping appointments, and he also has a long story of being abused by his wives and parents and the like. He is also in therapy.
We talk always at lenghts about all our mutual problems, in a very relaxed atmosphere, as I am alone with him in his “hobby room” as he is retired and does hairdressing just for his pleasure, and he has finally gotten to the point to allow himself setting boundaries with my mother and my sister. By not accepting their late coming any more. Good for him!
When he asked me whether I had loved X I felt tears coming in my eyes. He also told me to trash the letter. I told him that I wanted to know what you all at LF were thinking about X’s ulterior agenda writing me this letter.
I kind of feel validated but also feel puzzled because I see no point to talk with X about anything anymore as I told X everything I had to say last year in a final e-mail, and more importantly X has his partner, the psychiatrist and his female therapeut also a psychiatrist. It will just deepen the flesh under the scab that is coming off right now. The hairdresser told me not to fall back in the role of the rescuer! So true.
I also know that X is now working in the town I live at present, and maybe he tries to keep me on the backburner to have a bed at night. He still lives in the town my sister lives in, 50 miles away, and to whom he should have been bringing the wine ages ago if he wanted to (he expected me or my sister to get it from him; they are some very good French Burgundies 1990; well worth opening them in honor of me)
(Just for your information: my last email prompted X to write me a very nasty letter where he did a final resume of our relationship that could not be read other than me being a good escort! I got VERY angry!!!)
Thanks for letting me vent, I will trash the letter at once and focus on now. I feel MUCH better now!!
I will meet my future partner this afternoon to talk about our new offices we will have next year!In Europe Santa is coming tomorrow, and I will be at my sister’s who celebrates with a big party. It will be horrible and devaluing but I will endure this to see my small nieces.
Have you all a very pleasant second advent weekend.
Hi Oxy–
I love that term – ‘my egg donor.”
My counselor gave me some chapters from The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, and I noticed this line “Interestingly, in Christian thought, Christ was the last victim and the last scapegoat. He died for all humanity.” (emphasis in text on “last.”) I stopped at that point and thought: “boy can Christianity be a scam.” I thought something similar when I read your blog here.
Now don’t get me wrong – I think the teachings of Jesus are some of the most beautiful teachings EVER. What’s really sad is how those teachings can be manipulated and used to control people — the concepts of the suffering savior and the golden rule have produced an entire civilization based that believes that if you suffer and give of yourself, you will merit in the afterlife. Unfortunately, those in power on this planet are the ones that realize that you get power by manipulating people who are waiting for their final reward. To manipulate that is evil, you know, but that’s of course how the Vatican became so rich. And that’s what, it seems to me, a psychopath/sociopath does — in fact, I’m beginning to the think the entire American political system is based upon psychopathic/sociopathic ethics.
I do agree with your Silver Rule – it’s one I tend to live by. I slipped a bit in my relationship with Yours Truly (my ex-psychopath) I gave SO much. I think he found it frustrating, because I generally matched his giving or exceeded it – and his kids even picked up on it (those poor kids; I think I know now that they had seen their dad in action many times before. His daughter would play the game with him; his son put up a big stink. In many ways, his son provided one of the cracks in his performance, by refusing to participate in the efforts to make me absolutely part of their happy, kinky home life.)
But I digress — the one thing I’m also applying in my version of the Silver Rule is the idea that if I do give too much, and find that my gifts have exceeded silver and become golden, I don’t expect repayment for them. In those events, my gift was the joy of giving, even if that joy (in the case of the P/S) was an illusion. For awhile, at least, it was real for me.
libelle – nice to see someone work it through in their own post. 🙂
congratulations about your business!
one step