Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
By Ox Drover
Jesus said to “treat others as you would have them to treat you.” I have tried to live more or less by this rule most of my life. I have tried to treat others as I would have them treat me. I have shown compassion, pity, love, consideration, caring and kindness to those who I hoped would also treat me with compassion, pity, love, consideration, caring, respect and kindness.
Unfortunately not everyone that I treated as “I would that they treat me” reciprocated my treatment of them. I always paid back any money that I ever borrowed, but I loaned money to those who would not repay me. I was kind and understanding to others when they didn’t pay me back the money they owed me. I was caring and compassionate when they treated me badly. I found excuses for why I should not be angry at them for their bad treatment of me, even though I had always treated them well.
While I tried to live by this precept of “do unto others as I would have them do unto me,” somehow it didn’t work on the “them doing unto me part.” Finally I realized that I had only gotten half the concept. I noticed that while I treated others well, and they in turn treated me poorly, I realized that I had one set of expectations for me, and another set for them.
Now, I am not saying that I should start treating them the way they treated me, or that I should borrow money from them that I have no intention of paying back, however, I did learn that I should have the same expectations for my friends that I have for myself. I should expect that others treat me well if they are to remain in my life. I do not have to treat others well and then bend over backwards to continue to allow them to treat me badly and not think “something is wrong here,” or as Kathy Hawk says, “this is just not working for me.”
I don’t have a pass to treat others badly, but at the same time, because I do try to treat others as I would that they treated me, it does not follow that I must allow them to abuse me. I would expect myself to act better than they are acting, so why do I think that me acting well and them not acting well is acceptable?
The Silver Rule
So I developed the second part of the “Golden rule” the Silver Rule and that is to not allow others to treat you more poorly than you would treat them. Do not allow others to treat you with disrespect and abuse if you would not treat them that way. Expect others who interact with you, who are intimate friends and relationships, to treat you with the same respect, caring and kindness with which you treat them.
I know we will encounter people at work and in our social lives who do not treat anyone well, and sometimes we can’t change that situation. But we do not have to allow ourselves to interact with these people. We can distance ourselves from them, not allow them to treat us poorly. For those people of more “importance” in our lives, our family and our closer friends, we can challenge them on this and say, for example, “John, I loaned you $50 with the expectation that you would pay me back this Friday as you had indicated you would. I expect you to repay me.” If “John” does not repay you, you are not expected to pretend he doesn’t owe you the money. Of course, you would never again loan him money.
My beloved stepfather had a “joke” he used to tell about a man who was always asking for and receiving frequent favors from a friend and never repaying them. One day he asked for a favor and his friend refused and said, “Look at all the things I have done for you in the past and you never repaid any of these things.” The man (obviously a psychopath) replied, “Yeah, okay, but what have you done for me lately?”
If we believe in and practice the “Golden Rule,” I think we should also start to believe in and practice the “Silver Rule,” and expect that others treat us with the same respect that we treat them. If people do not treat us as we treat them, the problem is obviously not ours, but theirs, and they should not be allowed inside our circle of trust and intimacy. The positions within our sacred circle of trust and intimacy must be earned by treating us as we treat them.
Dear one step. Thanks! Yes, posting for me is very cleansing, and the process of doing so is very healing for me. Letting it go into cyberspace, knowing there will be understanding souls who read it maybe, but that is not so important for me. I am a huge supporter of the concept of “Elaborating the thought while talking about it”!
And while I was writing the post I had to interrupt it as my father (P and MY source of all evil!) showed up and did his very best to devalue me in my own flat by peeping and commenting on my taxbills that were on my desk, commenting on my orderliness, my shoes (I own considerably less than my sister, to his big surprise!), and the value of the paintings in the flat, and this all happened in whirlwind of 20 minutes in front of an accompanying friend of my sister’s whom I barely know and who payed her first visit to my flat. In the end he used the bathroom and had me clean it completely afterwards! Just disgusting.
And THEN I returned to the post and finished it in a completely different mood. I literally felt a HUGE anger kicking in. Interesting you noticed it, one step! Thanks.
And many thanks for the congratulations; I am looking very much forward to it!
Have a very relaxing weekend!
libelle,
I know my anger is visible, and I am WAY angrier than what is visible. WAY.
your father named, ‘psath of destruction.’ (for his indelicate use of premises and daughter’s heart and mind)
I have too much difficult to deal with this weekend, but if i deal with SOME of it, that is good.
best
one step
Ooh, excellent essay OxyPooh, as they all are.
As a now devoted Christian, I can totally understand the confusion created by striving to live a life following Scripture and yet, seeming to fail with some folks.
The problem is not ours but the exploiters, the parasites, the dominating and controlling people. They demand and command more from us than they are even willing to give themselves.
Thank the Lord above for helping me, guiding me to the most beneficial sources in an effort to educate myself to destructive, selfish terms such as entitlement, gaslighting, projecting and deflecting and a myriad of others.
Virtuous people DO NOT have to bend over for abuse from anyone. DO NOT have to remain silent and compliant when accosted by a childish bully. We DO NOT have to give, give and give some more of ourselves til we’re basically dry husks just so an abuser, a parasite, an exploiter can have his/her primitive, self serving, selfish wants fulfilled.
See, that’s what I’ve learned, big time in the years researching PDIs. That I DO NOT exist to care for anyone who seeks to distort, to take what is intrinsically mine: my self worth, my core values and beliefs, my sense of purpose, my loving and compassionate spirit.
I have one authority in this universe and it most certainly is NOT a human being. I can respect and admire many people but I still will always rely on the mind, the heart and the soul that my beloved Heavenly Father bestowed upon me.
Hey, if Jesus wanted us to hang with evil people, to do their bidding as basically slaves, why would the Holy Bible be literally overflowing with detailed, clear as glass descriptions of evil behavior/actions?
He doesn’t. He proposes NO CONTACT. I get it, finally, and will continue to strive to live a righteous life so as to not disappoint the Lord.
And in doing so, be an independent, liberated, happy, content, serene, and joyful woman.
**HUGGS**
🙂
Dear Janey,
YOU GOT IT SISTER!!!! ABSOLUTELY!!! Christianity does NOT mean DOOR MAT! Unfortunately, too many people believe it does….but when the Bible talks about the WHOLE ARMOR OF GOD, I think it also means that we are citizen soldiers as well, and soldiers FIGHT for the right! They protect themselves with the armor of righteousness and goodness and do not lightly give in and lie down to allow others to butcher them.
Jesus himself made a weapon, the whip of cords, to drive out the unrighteous from the Temple and their livestock with them. He became justifiably ANGRY at the ones cheating the poor (the money changers) so though he did not fight the cruicifiction, he is painted as a wimp who we are expected to mirror by being wimps, but that is not the case at all I think.
I’m not with going around and burning down the houses of the “unrighteous” but I am sure not for lying down like a door mat either. NO CONTACT to those that would abuse us, no matter who they are. Treat them as heathens.
Ox, I have read this several times. Remember the saying, “Fool me one, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me”? I forgot that more often than I remembered. I like the Silver Rule. Part of healing is about learning to set boundaries and that’s what this is to me.
I read your story about the couple and the storage and know it’s been something you had to deal with. I find it interesting that he was disabled. Might be off the subject, but my X is very diabetic and claims to be debilitated by an arm/shoulder injury. It’s his justification for a lot of his behaviors. I think there are some who use anything and everything physically wrong as an excuse for what they do. (I can’t do the dishes, I just got a hang nail.) I’ve come to be skeptical of those who claim they have this or that and don’t give to them as I once did.
Dear Cat,
Oh, yes, those that would find SOME excuse to keep from doing things for themselves, ALWAYS will find some “disability.” Years ago I worked in Head and Spinal cord rehabilitation. One of the things I found out in doing this kind of work was that you must do the best you can for yourself with what you have. Of course we would never expect someone who could not walk to WALK, but we could expect them to use the talents and abilities that they had left to make a life for themselves. We were always pushing them to use what they had left, and to still have healthy and productive lives. some, of course, never accomplished this and in fact, used their “disabilities” to sit in a fog of self pity and dysfunction, and others became very successful people IN SPITE OF THEIR DISABILITIES.
My X friend used to be productive in his life, but in the last 5-6 years he has become very dependent, passive, self pitying, and expecting others to solve his problems “because he’s disabled”—well, he had made many bad decisions that resulted in his financial situation going from bad to horrible, and his physical situation going from fair to horrible, but it is NOT my responsibility to allow him to impose on me for fixing his problems physically or financially. Just because I made better decisions and am not in his financial abyss does not mean I should take responsibility to pull him out, and therefore put myself into the abyss for HIS BENEFIT.
Yes, you are so right, the “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on ME” and I have tended to forget that myself and try to “fix” another’s problems which were made by poor decisions and for which they could improve their own decisions but don’t choose to, and instead want to throw a pity party and have me bring all the refreshments. LOL
This sort of thing I think tends to sneakk up on me, and I try to “help a friend” and then when things don’t get better, I try again to “help” them. I ALLOWED this couple to become dependent upon me, and did not set boundaries like I should but instead worried about appearing “cold hearted” or some other thing, after all, I did have resources they did nto have. But when I got to really EXAMINING the situation, I realized I was again “walking on egg shells” around someone and trying hard not to “offend” them by doing for them what I didn’t want to do and neglecting my own needs. I can’t tell you how much energy my sons and I have expended trying to “help” these people—to say nothing of the “loan” my son gave them.
They are not psychopaths I don’t think, though the woman might be close, she is a thief though, I do know that, and they both some how feel “entitled” to wahtever efforts they believe we should extend to them for their benefit.
Because my son D has had a close relationship through Boy Scouts for almost 20 years though, and looked up to this man as a mentor and example, etc. it was very difficult to accept that these people were using us. The man was an employee and close friend to my late husband, and I considered both the man and his wife as “friends.”
When I realized the wife was actually stealing from me, I cut off any relationship with them until after my husband died, and then in the chaos and pain of that, I let them creep back into my life as the man had another surgery on his back and was more disabled than he had been.
But, I am starting to get my head on straight now, and though I stil lhave compassion for his spinal cord problems, I do not hve PITY for his failure to take care of his own needs as best he can.
Dear Ox,
Thank you so much for your excellent response. This is an issue I had been turning over in my mind, thinking about a lot, given the ex Spath’s illnesses. And then, of course, you write this great piece on that very subject. I can see clearly where he has used them to stay in a fog of self-pity and he thinks it works to his advantage in that it makes him a victim. I realize I’m watching him do it now with others and of course, they’re falling for it. I can’t blame them. I fell for it myself, though at times I DO want to rant and rave. I gave so much money to him for insulin and now I found out, he gets his insulin FREE. I have a good guess where my money really went, but it won’t happen again.
I’ve already been called cold-hearted, selfish and mean by my ex Spath. Others have said the same, but as I pointed out to them, it’s not THEIR money he took. It was an epiphany of sorts; I didn’t die when called these names because I wasn’t wrong in saying NO. I know in my heart I’m not those things; I’m simply very careful who I help these days and how I help them, very careful. I also realized it had become the “norm” that I automatically pay for everything and when that changed, it totally upset his life. Oh well.
I have a cousin who is a quadriplegic. 10 years ago, at the age of 41, he fell and knew as soon as he hit the ground that he was paralyzed. He does EVERYTHING! He travels, goes where he wants when he wants, is at every family function with his grandchildren and he smiles all the time. He allows someone to help him only with the things he absolutely cannot do for himself. He doesn’t whine or feel sorry for himself. He took adversity and made it into a platform for a better life. And then I look at X. Whining and crying and “poor, poor me”. I cannot summon up pity or empathy for him at all, anymore.
I LIKE helping people when they need it, but I’m watching that fine line very closely between enabling and helping. Sometimes I can’t see it, but I know it’s there. In time, my ability to see the difference will become more keen. Right now, I’m still in practice mode. Thank you!
Hugs,
Cat
Dear Cat,
I am glad that you are seeing yourself and JUDGING YOURSELF rather than letting others judge you for your actions. I know that there will be people we know that think we are “being mean” to this couple, but I KNOW I have done all I can for them and none of it has made their life any better.
Like you giving the guy money for insulin, and him getting insulin for FREE, if I were to give $10,000 a month to this couple they would spend $11,000! Yet somehow they feel cheated by me because I don’t take care of them. They are envious of me because I am NOT destitute, but the reason I am not destitute is that I ONLY SPEND WHAT I CAN AFFORD and not every last dollar I have for “toys”—There is NO ONE who is more frugal than I am, and I live nicely, because I plan my spending and don’t live above my means.
In working with hspinal cord injuries I know what you are talking about your cousin living a full and good life even as a quad. But at the same time, there are others who literally wither up and die with less serious injuries. I’m as sorry as I can be that this man (x friend of mine) has chosen to live in a marijuana fog and an Rx pain-pill high while “enjoying” a big pity party that NONE of his friends are attending any more. He is an extremely intelligent man, but he lives in a fantasy world of poor self esteem and pity where everything is “not fair” and there is no one to takek care of him any more.
It is a shame, too, because he is so bright. But those are his choices, NOT mine.
There is a difference Cat in giving people an OPPORTUNITY and a HAND UP, rather than a HAND OUT. I’m also just learning in this boundary setting thing, and it is a little over 2 years now that I started setting boundaries with this couple, who at the time I was allowing to park their RV out here at my farm, until they decided that the deed must have been transferred to their names because they started treating me like I was the one who had to toe the mark and “not offend” them as they pushed and pushed.
When I finally decided that I had “walked on egg shells” long enough I told them they had to go it “just wasn’t working out” I remember that they never asked “Why?” which I thought was strange.
Not everyone who is a mooch is a psychopath, but at the same time they are toxic and it is not our responsibility to help them or to feel guilty if we don’t. I too LIKE to help people, but I am DONE enabling people. I am learning and I’m not nearly as much of a pushover as I once was.
Hang in there Cat, and you will make some progress just like I am making progress. I no longer expect myself to be “perfect” and that hellps too! (((hugs))))
Dear Ox, I never thought of it that way, but yes, it’s ME judging me and not others. Hey, I kinda like that! (Light doth beckon on yonder head.) Thank you! I hit that wall that says, “I’ve had all I’m gonna take and I’m not taking anymore!”
It IS interesting that they didn’t even ask you “Why?” when you told them it was “just wasn’t working out”. Perhaps, unlike a true P/N/A, they already knew they had pushed it to the limit. Yet, if you allowed it, they would continue it forever. My ex would not have said that. He would have tried to tell me that somehow, the deed was in his name as well, I couldn’t just kick him out (yes I can and I did). I don’t know, just guessing on that one. It IS sad that here is this man who is so smart and yet chooses to sit in his “weed world” with a kick from the meds and not do anything with is life. Having worked with those with injuries like this, you, more than anyone, is going to know what he’s truly capable of. I know when I talk to my cousin, he’s a source of courage and renewed strength. It’s all in the attitude.
I had someone who GETS my ex make the following observation about him; “The problem with —– is that he thinks his money is his money and everyone else’s money is his money. He’s entitled to it in his mind.” Yup, that’s him! The whole insulin thing blew my mind. Some of this stuff is close to $140 a bottle and there were times that money came from the rent or grocery money. Did he care? NO. After all, in his eyes, my money was his money. Not today, however.
My money is my money and I value each dollar I earn because I worked hard for it. If he wants something, let him get up and get a job, though I know right now, he’s just using others. Whatever he’s doing, at least it’s not affecting me.
I’ll keep practicing. It’s interesting that one of the strongest words in the English language only has two letters in it. NO.
Hugs!
Cat
Think this is the right thread to place this comment – perhaps it is the bronze rule that i want to develop: not to treat oneself worse than those who truly care about us treat us.
I just got off the phone with a pharmaceutical company’s comapssionate care program rep. I know, I know there seems to be an oxymoron in that last sentence, but bare with me.
I take prescriptions that i cannot afford. They are not covered by the compassionate insurance where I live. I have been just lobbing these scripts on to my cc and looking the other way. I needed them and I couldn’t afford them.
So, today, finally, I set the ball rolling. Now, if my doctor’s office gets on board quickly enough (hahahahahaha) I could have my medication by xmas. I have given up one – and I can’t get it covered anywhere as it is compounded, but this one I have a good shop at getting from the company.
taking care of myself is grindingly hard at this time. so, yay for me.
one step