Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
By Ox Drover
Jesus said to “treat others as you would have them to treat you.” I have tried to live more or less by this rule most of my life. I have tried to treat others as I would have them treat me. I have shown compassion, pity, love, consideration, caring and kindness to those who I hoped would also treat me with compassion, pity, love, consideration, caring, respect and kindness.
Unfortunately not everyone that I treated as “I would that they treat me” reciprocated my treatment of them. I always paid back any money that I ever borrowed, but I loaned money to those who would not repay me. I was kind and understanding to others when they didn’t pay me back the money they owed me. I was caring and compassionate when they treated me badly. I found excuses for why I should not be angry at them for their bad treatment of me, even though I had always treated them well.
While I tried to live by this precept of “do unto others as I would have them do unto me,” somehow it didn’t work on the “them doing unto me part.” Finally I realized that I had only gotten half the concept. I noticed that while I treated others well, and they in turn treated me poorly, I realized that I had one set of expectations for me, and another set for them.
Now, I am not saying that I should start treating them the way they treated me, or that I should borrow money from them that I have no intention of paying back, however, I did learn that I should have the same expectations for my friends that I have for myself. I should expect that others treat me well if they are to remain in my life. I do not have to treat others well and then bend over backwards to continue to allow them to treat me badly and not think “something is wrong here,” or as Kathy Hawk says, “this is just not working for me.”
I don’t have a pass to treat others badly, but at the same time, because I do try to treat others as I would that they treated me, it does not follow that I must allow them to abuse me. I would expect myself to act better than they are acting, so why do I think that me acting well and them not acting well is acceptable?
The Silver Rule
So I developed the second part of the “Golden rule” the Silver Rule and that is to not allow others to treat you more poorly than you would treat them. Do not allow others to treat you with disrespect and abuse if you would not treat them that way. Expect others who interact with you, who are intimate friends and relationships, to treat you with the same respect, caring and kindness with which you treat them.
I know we will encounter people at work and in our social lives who do not treat anyone well, and sometimes we can’t change that situation. But we do not have to allow ourselves to interact with these people. We can distance ourselves from them, not allow them to treat us poorly. For those people of more “importance” in our lives, our family and our closer friends, we can challenge them on this and say, for example, “John, I loaned you $50 with the expectation that you would pay me back this Friday as you had indicated you would. I expect you to repay me.” If “John” does not repay you, you are not expected to pretend he doesn’t owe you the money. Of course, you would never again loan him money.
My beloved stepfather had a “joke” he used to tell about a man who was always asking for and receiving frequent favors from a friend and never repaying them. One day he asked for a favor and his friend refused and said, “Look at all the things I have done for you in the past and you never repaid any of these things.” The man (obviously a psychopath) replied, “Yeah, okay, but what have you done for me lately?”
If we believe in and practice the “Golden Rule,” I think we should also start to believe in and practice the “Silver Rule,” and expect that others treat us with the same respect that we treat them. If people do not treat us as we treat them, the problem is obviously not ours, but theirs, and they should not be allowed inside our circle of trust and intimacy. The positions within our sacred circle of trust and intimacy must be earned by treating us as we treat them.
Yay for you, one step! You’re taking care of YOU. I’ve run into the same with presciptions. I have a pre-existing condition that keeps me from having insurance. I make too much money (which isn’t all that much) to qualify for aid.
I am liking the Bronze Rule too. I am certainly guilty of that, treating myself worse than those who care about me do. Those who care are good reminders of what I’m REALLY worth in this world.
Hugs,
Cat
Cat,
thanks cat!
re:’making too much money’ – there is a line where helping people up and out would change the drain on so many systems in the long term. It is outrageous, that people are not able to access funding, from SOMEWHERE to help them through dark times.
I am sure there is literature on development and social welfare that addresses this and suggests other models – we need some sort of BRIDGE funding. I am having a hard time focusing on what i need to do, and I know that if tings don’t come together I could end up on the street. An infusion of help re housing right now – not even necessarily money, but services and support, could make all the difference. But it isn’t htere.
I keep soldiering; I gotta figure it out.
best,
one step
one step, more than welcome, but it’s because I’ve been there, am still there and heaven only knows when that will improve. I truly believe if I keep doing the footwork, God will do the rest and it will all work out.
I know there is help out there somewhere. FINDING it is another story. I found this site though, and that’s proof enough to me everything else will fall in place.
I know you have a ton on your plate and if you’re anything like me, I tend to get lost in the emotional stuff and then I don’t focus on what I need to be focusing on. That’s still a work in progress for me. I’m practicing focusing on the things I need to do and putting the emotional, ie him and all his garbage outside where it belongs.
Remember the Silver Rule and your own Bronze Rule. They help weed out those we just don’t need around and a good reminder to take care of ones’ self first.
Keep soldiering, you’ll figure it out.
Hugs, Cat
<p>Oxdrover: I too can benefit deeply from the Silver Rule as I certianly live by the Golden one and it has gotten me little except for a shred of self respect now and again. I agonized over the fact that the P had done these things and how I would never treat anyone that way. He took, took and took some more. When I asked him something simple like pick me up at the airport it was asking too much. I can go on and on with these examples. When he gave it was purchased with my money. Unbelievble now that I look back at it. I kept treating him the way I would want someone to treat me but allowed him to treat me poorly. When I would call him on any of these behaviors he refused to acknowledge my feelings as valid but validated his reasons (whatever they might have been) for behaving in such a way. I am now a Silver Rule girl. There is no harm in treating ourselves the way we want to be treated now is there? Great post. Lots’ of love and hugs. Lillian</p>
Dear Lillian,
TOWANDA for you! GOOD GIRL! ATTA GIRL! Yes, yes, yes!!!! Treat yourself well, and expect others to treat you well too, and if they don’t, as Lady McBeth said, “Out! Damn spot!”
Tear their card out of your Rolodex, scratch them off your Christmas card list, and give them the old HEAVE HO! RIGHT OUT THE DOOR!
(((Big Hugs)))) and my prayers for a P-FREE new year!
Dear On step, Cat, Oxy, and Lillian,
Have you heard a bout the Irish athlete who won a gold medal? he loved it so much, he had it bronzed!LOL! We are so hard on the Irish, but, hey, they dont mind, they have a great sense of humour!{Luckily!}
or the one about the irish setter dog. he was chewing a bone in the corner of the Pub, and he got up, and fell over!
An Irishman comes into a Pub, with pig under his arm. The barman says,”Get out! You cant bring that in here! Where did you get it? the pig says,”Ah, dont be hard on him now,! I won him in a raffle!”Dont you love the Irish! Love, gem.XX
RANT COMING:
i have been asking a tennant’s right activist for some advise re my housing situation (i have withheld rent, which is illegal here, cause the landlord isn’t dealing with a smoke problem and i am really sick with it, and am now facing an eviction notice).
okay – this manipulative little d**K. “i am the only one who can help you, and if i am impatient (after he cut me off mid sentence) it is becuase i am tired and you’ll have to be patient with that if you want help, it’s up to you.”
one step hits the little off button on her phone.
f***wad.
Dear Gem,
What got you off on dis-ing “Paddy?” LOL My best friend is blonde so I know all the blonde jokes in the world. She knows all the Maxine ones (I”m Maxine!)
Some one sent me a funny today, said “98% of the people who run off the road in icy conditions say “Oh, chit!” the other 2% are from Arkansas and they say “hold my beer and watch this!” LOL
Oxy, It was all the talk of gold silver and bronze rules that rminded me, LOL! Love, Gem.XXPs. My real name is Maia.
By the way,the Irish dont mind people having a go at them, as they do it to themselves!!
Dear Maia,
That’s a pretty name! My name isn’t a common name any more, but I do know a couple of people with my same name. I was named, believe this or not, for my sperm donor’s first girlfriend when he was in first or second grade in school, or at least that’s what he told my egg donor. My middle name which I like much better, my great grandmother gave me but I’ve never been called by it. I guess too late to start now! LOL